07x09 - Calendar Girl

[bunniefuu]

Well, we're movin' on up
Movin' on up

To the East Side
Movin' on up

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

Movin' on up
Movin' on up

To the East Side
Movin' on up

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

Beans don't burn
on the grill

Took a whole lot of tryin'

Just to get up that hill

Now we're up
in the big leagues

Gettin' our turn at bat

As long as we live,
it's you and me, baby

There ain't nothin' wrong
with that

We're movin' on up
Movin' on up

To the East Side
Movin' on up

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

Movin' on up
Movin' on up

To the East Side
Movin' on up

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Well, I'll see you
later, Mrs. Jefferson.

I'm going to
choir practice.

All right, Florence,
have a nice time.

Oh, I'm sure I will.

Today's the day
I get to rehearse
my solo.

You know, it sure is
nice to have
the Lord all to yourself.

You know, I always
wanted to sing in a choir.

But I was afraid
I wouldn't be good enough.

Oh, no!
As a matter of fact,

there was an opening
just last week.

Would have been perfect
for your voice range.

Really?
Mmm-hmm, old man
Murphy died.

Hey.

Come on, come on.

Say, who's your
little friend?

His name's Rover Roll Over.

I was asking Rover.

Get her!
LOUISE: George!

George, put those
on the sofa.

Lionel and Jenny will
be over with the baby soon.

Great. I'm glad
the Willis's
are out of town.

They'd be pestering little
Jessica to death

just like they
always do, acting silly,
making dumb faces,

playing stupid games.

I know.
Now we'll get
to do all that.

Hey, look what
I bought Jessica.
A Florence doll.

A Florence doll?

Yeah. You wind it up...

...and it doesn't work.

You should have bought her
a George Jefferson doll.

You wind it up and
you want to return it.

Oh!
Oh, hi!

LOUISE: Jessica!

Hi, Jessica!

You come to spend
the day with grandpa?

You want to borrow
my earmuffs?

You'll need 'em, child.

All right,
I'll see you.

Have a nice time!

Okay.

Oh...

Oh, my, don't you
two look nice.

You're going to be
the handsomest couple
at the wedding.

Who's getting
married, anyway?

Oh, Ed and Judy, a couple of
friends of mine from college.

Yeah, they finally decided
to tie that noose.

Oh? Did they have
a long courtship?

Uh, you might say that.

They've been living
together for six years.

Living together?
Why are they bothering
getting married?

Because the baby's
due tomorrow.

Mom, do you have
anything to snack on?

Well, there's some fruit
in the refrigerator.

But won't there be some
food at the reception?

Oh, there isn't one.
They're leaving right
after the ceremony.

Oh, for the honeymoon?
For the hospital.

Hey, what's this?

Oh, the ad agency
across the street

is having some kind
of baby contest.

They were handing those
out to anybody with a baby.

Oh, hey, Weezy,
listen to this.

This diaper service is
having a pin-up calendar
for baby girls.

Oh, "Diapers, cleaning and
wipe. We've got 'em.

"All we need's your
baby's bottom."

Oh!

Oh, that would be
perfect for Jessica.

Yeah, 'cause
her bottom's tops.

Oh, George,
let's enter Jessica
in this contest.

Great idea, Weezy,
but with Jessica entering
there won't be no contest.

Oh, thanks for
the food, Mom.

Hey, we better get going.
We don't want to be late.

Oh, good. We'll go down
in the elevator with you.

Oh, where you going?

Oh, we're going to take
Jessica across the street
and get her on that calendar.

Oh, no!

I don't think so,
Mrs. Jefferson,
not Jessica.

Well, why not?
She's so cute!

Well, see, we discussed
this on the way up,

and we don't want
Jessica on that calendar.

Yeah. We don't want her
embarrassed later in life
by posing naked now.

Don't be silly!

Naked ain't embarrassing
until you got
something worth hiding.

Look, how about if she was
just Miss February,

and then she'd only
be naked for days?

Mom, forget it, hmm?

Mrs. Jefferson,
when Jessica gets older

if she wants to be
in Playboyor something,
that would be different.

It would be
her decision.

Right. We'd wring her neck,
but it'd be her decision.

Oh, I'd love to have her
on a calendar to show
my friends.

You know
Catherine Mannings?
Yeah.

Well, her granddaughter was
in an ad for Baby Booties,

and she never
lets me forget it.

All I hear is,

"Look at those
pretty little feet!

"See those lovely feet!

"Oh, what a lovely
set of feet!"

Yeah, and you
know something?

Her kid's feet couldn't hold
a candle to Jessica's behind.

Forget it, Pop, huh?

Forget it? Look,

I say we take Jessica
over there and get her
on that calendar.

You know, Jenny, I think
we ought to take the
baby with us.

You can't take the
baby to a wedding.

Why not? The bride's
bringing hers.
Oh!

You can leave her here.

Okay, but, Pop,
promise you won't do anything

to get Jessica involved
with that calendar.

Lionel!
George.

Okay, I promise,
I promise!

Boy, you sure are bullheaded
and stubborn, Lionel.

I'd like to know where
you got that from.

Lionel, come on, let's go.

I don't want to miss Judy
waddling down the aisle.

See you later.
Bye!

Have fun!
JENNY: Okay.

Huh, there ought
to be a law.

You shouldn't have to
have kids to have grandkids.

One day it'll be changed.

Oh, she'll really look
great on the calendar!

Yeah, she's a natural,
all right.

Can't you just see it now,
Weez? Ms. July.

A bathing beauty
on a beach blanket.

Hey, where you going?

I'm going to take Jessica
and see about this calendar.

But, Weezy, I promised
not to do that!

I know, but I didn't.

All right, Weezy, now you're
starting to think like me.

Please, George,
don't try to talk me
out of this!

Pardon me.
You're next.

Man, do you believe
the nerve of some
of these women?

They all came here
thinking they got

the most beautiful
baby in the world.

But we are here too,
George.

Yeah, well that's different.
We do have the most beautiful
baby in the world.

May I help you?
Yes.

We'd like to get our
granddaughter
on your calendar.

Name?

Uh, Jessica Jefferson.

She's the cutest baby
girl you ever laid eyes on.

Well, just have a seat
until her name is called.

Yeah, okay. Oh, um,
make sure she gets
a month with days.

Save the short months
for the ugly babies.

Excuse me?
Is that seat taken?

Oh, no, it's all right.
Go ahead.

Help yourself.
Thank you.

Oh, isn't she adorable!

Oh, thank you!

Hey, Louise, quit
collaborating with the enemy.

I'm Linda Wong.

I'm Louise Jefferson,

and this is my
husband, George.
Hi.

Good to meet you.
You have a
very pretty baby.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, yours ain't bad.

Oh, you got a
Chinese one, huh?

That's nice.

Look, Weezy,
I think I'm gonna check
on the competition, okay?

Yes, please go.

Oh! Hey, it's a cute
kid you got there.

Gorgeous!

Hey, you got
a real winner there!

Oh, see that's what I like,
a baby with some substance.

Uh, George, can I talk
to you for a minute?

What's the matter with you?

Look, Weez,
it's a bad crop.

George, all babies
are beautiful.

Oh yeah? You should've
seen that last baby.

I've never seen
a mouth so big on something
you couldn't ride.

Excuse me, may I have
your attention, please?

I'm sorry, but we have
all the babies we need
for this year's calendar,

but thank you all
very much for coming.

What?
What?

I'm sorry but
all months
have been taken.

Well, then,
add another one.

I'm sorry, I...

Oh, come on, now.
I saw some of those babies
you had to choose from.

What do you want to do,
depress people for
a whole year?

Don't you think it's
only fair to look at
all the babies

before you make
a decision?

Ma'am, please,
it's out of my hands...

All right. Look.
Now, look, hold on, look.

Look, you look
like a pretty
reasonable woman.

Uh-huh.
Okay.

I'll give you free
dry cleaning for one year,

if you give my granddaughter
a spot on the calendar.

Tell you what,

why don't I just give you
directions to the door?

What?

You do know what a door
looks like, don't you?

Yeah, it looks
just like you.

Only with more personality.

Come on, George.
Forget it.

But, Louise,
I can't even believe it.
Jessica's so cute.

Oh, I know.

I know.
Cutest baby in the city!

I know, I know!

She's adorable!
I know, I know!

I know! I know!

I still can't believe it,
Weezy.

I know! I know!

I mean, those other babies
can't be cuter than Jessica.

I know! I know!

I mean, she's so cuddly.

But she's so feminine!

Yeah. She's so perfect.

And she's so...

Chinese!
Chinese!

Hey, you're not Jessica!
What did you do with Jessica?

Uh, George, she can't
understand you.

Oh, yeah, Weezy.

What you do with Jessica?

George!

Come on, Weezy!
We got to do something!
We've got to find Jessica!

Uh, wait a minute.

Mrs. Wong at the
advertising agency.

She had a carriage
just like ours.

She must have Jessica.

You mean you took
the Wong baby?

No, you took the Wong baby!

The wrong baby!

I mean... Oh, I don't
know what I mean!

Oh!
Oh, you're so cute!

Look, Weezy, why don't
you call the ad agency?

Maybe Mrs. Wong
is over there.

Rock the baby.
Sure.

Oh, we've got to get
Jessica back
before the kids get here.

And if we don't,
they'll never let us take
care of the baby again.

Oh, hello? Look,

my name is
Louise Jefferson and I...

What'd they say?
They put me on hold.

I'm listening to muzak.

Nobody puts George Jefferson
on hold. Give me that phone.

Hello, I want to speak
to somebody now!

All right.

Uh, what's happening?

Well, at least
they're playing Sammy Davis
singing Candy Man.

Oh, this is all my fault!
I should have known better!

No, Weezy,
it's my fault.

No, it's my fault.

It's my fault.

No, it's all my fault.

Okay, you win.
It's your fault.

No, it's...

Shh! Wait,
somebody's coming on.

Hello?

Damn!
What?

Now they're playing
a song by Donny Osmond.

Get the carriage.
We're going out
to the agency

and seeing if we can find
the lady who took Jessica.

George, remember,
you took the wrong carriage!

Weezy, this is no time to
point the finger of blame.
Let's go! Come on!

Think they know
we're home?

They just saw us, George.
What are we going to do?

Well, um...
I got it.

You take the baby
to the bedroom.

Wait until
the coast is clear,

you sneak through
the living room then you
go across the street,

you find Jessica
and you
bring her back here.

And what are
you going to do?

I'll just whistle and...

Lionel, Jenny,
what a surprise!
Come on in!

Wow, Pop, you almost
took an inch off my nose.

Hey, what are you
doing back so early?

Well, the wedding
was cut short.

You see, halfway down
the aisle, the bride
went into labor.

Yeah, they finished
the ceremony in
the ambulance.

At least you got a
chance to look at the church.

Tell me about it.

Oh, no. Look, Pop,
we're kind of tired.

We just want to pick up
the baby and go home.

No, you can't go.
You know I love churches.

If I was going to be a
building, I'd pick a church.
Okay.

Sit down and tell me
about this church.

Well, see,
it had this cross.

No kidding! A cross?

Yeah!
Damn!

And that's not all, Pop.
It had an altar!

No!
Yeah!

And some pews!
Pews?

And hold onto
your hat, Pop.

It even had a minister!

Oh, yeah!

What a coincidence, man!

I got married in a church
just like that.
Don't you remember, Lionel?

I wasn't there.

Really? Oh, boy,
you don't know
what you missed!

Let me tell you about
this church, now.

It had a, uh...
Mrs. Jefferson!

Where are
you going?

Going?

Nowhere.

Uh, Jessica likes to take
a tour of the apartment
every so often.

See, baby?

There's the sofa,

the coffee table...

Grandpa George,

Daddy, mummy,
the wall, the patio...

Hey, Weezy, why don't you
take her outside? She hasn't
seen the hallway yet.

And give her a real treat,
show her the elevator.

We really have to be going...
Hey, wait a minute!

Did you two tell
us about the church yet?

Pop!

Oh, nothing's wrong.
Nothing's wrong!

Oh, but, you know,
maybe she needs
to be changed.

Oh, she's changed.
Believe me,
she's changed.

Look...

Isn't it funny,
but Jessica sounds
different to me?

That's because her
voice is changing.

Pop, she's less
than a year old!

Jessica's an
early starter.

She's a Jefferson,
remember!

Hey, you know something,
I'm just thinking.

We don't see enough
of each other.

Why don't we go down to
Charley's bar for a drink?

Ah, a drink?
Yes!

And in the meantime,

Weezy's going to take
the baby out for a walk.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, babies
love to walk.

A little fresh air
and Jessica will come back
as a whole new person.

Oh!

There was
a lady out there.

Oh, where?

In the corridor!

What corridor?

Mr. Jefferson, is there
something wrong?

Wong? Nothing's Wong.

No!

Weezy, will you get that?

Pop, we're right here.
No, no, that's woman's work.
Let's go to the kitchen.

What about the drinks?
On an empty stomach?

You got to be kidding.
You better eat
something first.

Oh, Weezy, uh...
Mr. Jefferson, I really
don't think that...

I don't feel
like eating!
Hey, Weezy,

there seems to be
somebody at the door.

Why don't you answer it
so maybe we can get
things organized?

You know,
straightened out.

Oh, I'm sorry!

We didn't hear the bell
the first time.

Oh, I see.

Well, I sure am glad
you're home, Mrs. Jefferson.
Do you have my baby?

Oh, yes, I do.
Ooh.

And I'm so sorry
about the mix-up.

Oh, Jessica!

Oh, thanks for bringing
the baby back!

And it's a shame you don't
have time to stay to chat.

Oh, but I do.

You know, Mrs. Jefferson,

it's a good thing you
left your purse inside
the baby carriage.

Otherwise I never would
have known where to find you.

I guess it was
our lucky day.

Uh, no, I wouldn't say,
"Lucky." Mrs. Wong,

why don't you just
call me tomorrow

and tell me all the things
you don't have time to
tell me today?

Life sure can be crazy!

I never thought anything
like this could ever
happen...

Oh, I am sorry,
Mrs. Wong!

Uh, you see, my husband
does that, not me.

LIONEL:
Hey, Pop, we've really
got to get going.

Oh, man, what is
going on around here?

What's going on?

Yeah, Weezy,
what's going on?

Oh, nothing's going on!
Everything's fine!

Nothing's going on.
Everything's fine.

Fine. Take a look
a your baby. You haven't
seen her in a long time.

Who was that lady?

Lady?

That was Mrs. Wong

and she was here to, uh...

To...

To do some research.

See, her husband's opening
a dry cleaner, and she wanted
to speak to Weezy.

Ah, but wouldn't she
want to speak to you?

No, she's the wife
of a dry cleaner!

So, she wanted to speak
to the wife of a dry cleaner.

Because the hardest thing
in the world is being
married to a dry cleaner.

Amen to that.

Well, Jenny and I
are kind of tired.

Are we allowed to leave now?

Hey, free country!

Oh, yeah...

How's my cute
little Jessica?

You know,

I can see why you
thought she'd be a
beautiful calendar girl.

I'm so glad you understood
the way Lionel and I
felt about it.

Thanks for being such
special grandparents.

Oh, well,
don't mention it.

Oh, well we know that
you really wanted
Jessica on that calendar

but you respected us
enough not to take
her over there.

Yeah, but I got
to admit, Pop,

for a minute there,
I was afraid you might
go behind our backs and

take Jessica over
there anyway.

Boy, that hurts.

Now, you know we'd never
do anything like that.
Right, Weez?

Uh, don't mention it.

Well, I just wanted
to say thanks.

Oh, hello!
Hi!

What's so funny?

Oh, I can't
believe you two!

I just ran into
a Chinese lady
on the elevator

and she had the cutest
little baby.
And she was telling me...

Yeah, yeah, great story!
Good night, Florence!

Oh, she told me how she
ran into both of you

over at the agency.
You know, for the
baby contest?

Good night!

Good night, Florence.

No, no, no.
Uh, wait a minute, Florence.
What were you saying?

Oh, didn't
they tell you?

Child, they went to
the baby contest.

And brought home
the wrong baby!

I sure wish I could've
seen your face.

I'd like to see yours
when you look
at your next paycheck.

The wrong baby?

Oh, Lord, you two
are a mess!

Well, I think I'll go
down to Charley's for
that drink now.

I'll join you.

LIONEL: Hold it!

Don't you two have
something to say?

Uh...
Uh...

Well, at least they both
have the same story.

Look, Pop,
how could you do that?

She made me do it.

Mom, you were
in on this too?

Uh, well, it's...

It's just that first
there was Miss July,

and, uh,

then, you know,
bare bottom...

And then George,

uh, you know,
uh, bad crop.

That's pretty much
what happened.

That's right.

Look, Pop,
you promised you wouldn't
take Jessica over there.

Now, I thought we could
trust you with her.

Come on, Lionel,
I'm sorry!
Oh, man.

Okay, then,
I ain't sorry!
What?

Look, Jessica's
my granddaughter!
I'm proud of her

and I want the whole
world to know it.

Oh, we understand that.

But we asked you not
to take Jessica over there.

All right, we're sorry
for going against your wishes.

But we are not sorry
for being proud grandparents.

Look, Mom...
Look, Lionel, don't you
remember when you were a kid,

and you wanted a hobby horse
and I said no because
I was afraid you'd get hurt,

and your grandmother went out
and bought you one anyway?

Then when I saw your eyes
light up, boy, I couldn't
be mad at her anymore.

'Cause she was
your grandmother and she loved
you till the day she died.

Now I know how she felt.

That's right.
George and I feel the same
way about Jessica.

Well,

you know, Lionel,
there was really
no harm done.

Yeah, I guess not.

Hey, let's just forget
the whole thing.

Come on, let's go home,
Jenny, I am starving.

Hey, why don't you two
go out to eat? On me.

Well, who's going
to watch Jessica?

We'd love to.

Mmm...
Oh, well, then we would
love for you to.

She'd be with the two
best babysitters in the
whole wide world.

We'll see you in
a couple hours.

Okay.
LIONEL: Yeah, see you later.

You know,

I can just see you riding
that hobbyhorse.

Yeah.

Pop, wait.

I never had a hobbyhorse.