03x08 - Met Gala

[bunniefuu]

- DAVE: Oh, my God.
- Is this garlic hummus?

- DAVE: I like it.
- Should we, like, switch to tahini, or...

- I think we should, like, uh,
- ... ketchup?

abandon all condiment-based
hand jobs just for a moment.

- You could be right. I don't know.
- We can reconfigure,

come up with something new fun to do.

What do you want to do next?

Uh, wash my hand?

Right this way.

- Yeah.
- You think you know my home, right?

- I think I do.
- You think you know me.

You think you know what I stand for?

- Where you going?
- Turns out you don't know anything

about my home.

Shut up!

Turns out... I'm a
little bit of a mystery.

As is this secret passageway.

This is so much cooler
than a hummus hand job.

- DAVE: Yeah, we should probably wash up.
- ♪ Hi, I'm Dave ♪

♪ I'm Lil Dicky ♪

♪ Hi, I'm Dave ♪

- ♪ Who's Dave? ♪
- DAVE: I got her right here.

Yup. I have her. I have... Huh.

No, I got her. She's a half-white,

- half-Chinese Jezebel.
- (LAUGHS)

Beautiful. Yup, got her.

Really dainty tattoos. Yeah.

I don't know what to do
with my body right now.

Oh, you're doing all the right sh*t.

This is like The Notebook,
but, like, way grittier

and way less idealized.

Is she gonna actually see this footage?

- Who's she?
- Oh. Emma.

Oh, I don't know. She
just left this here.

- Look at you.
- You know, The Notebook is such a basic...

- You're basic for saying.
- You're better than that?

The Notebook is basic.
No, you're just a contrarian, you know?

Come here. I'm gonna shut you up.

Oh, what the f*ck is this?

What?

That's my bear mace.

- Your bear mace?
- Mm-hmm.

(LAUGHS): To be fair,

that was supposed to go next to the bed.

Yeah, look, we'll put it in the closet,

'cause things like this
don't belong out in the...

- This is not how we do it in Los Angeles, okay?
- Good call, Captain.

Yeah. And I'm not above
what I preach, you know?

We can't have crossbows
in the closet, either.

This was from tour. This will be moved.

- Oh, look at this.
- (CLOSET DOOR CLOSES)

- Is that my elephant?
- Yes, he made a friend.

- Oh, wow.
- Look.

DAVE: Oh, which one is he?
He's... Oh, he's the sturdy one.

ROBYN: You know that you
don't actually own him, right?

You just... you finance his survival.

And one day, me and you
are gonna go to Africa,

and we're gonna visit our boy.

- Stop.
- Yeah, it's our son,

and we deserve to see him,
and he deserves to see us.

You're such a good hands-on father.

- Oh, yeah?
- We need more of you these days.

- Mamma mia.
- (BOTH LAUGH)

(PHONE BUZZES)

- DAVE: Will you go one day with me?
- To Africa?

- Yeah.
- Are you kidding? Mm.

DAVE: Little bit of
a phone call going on.

Oh, my God. Mike will not
leave me the f*ck alone.

What is it?

He wants me to get
fitted for the Met Gala.

- Uh, I got invited, and I...
- Wait, what?

- Yeah.
- Wait, what?

- You're...
- Oh, come on.

You got invited to the Met Gala?

(HIGH-PITCHED): Yeah. Yeah.

Why are you so high-pitched?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- That's crazy. Wait, that's huge.

I-I don't get wrapped
up in this superficial

Hollywood pecking
order bullshit anymore.

That's old me. New me, way more into...

something like you.

Turns me on thinking of
you walking up those steps

- with that ass. (LAUGHS)
- Yeah?

- Grab my ass.
- Mm.

- I can't believe you're going.
- I'm gonna grab your ass.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

I mean, I asked him to
take it down, but he won't.

So, this is Beau Newman's TikTok?

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm so sorry, Delaney.

This stuff shouldn't
happen, but it does,

because boys are the worst.

Well, there's actually one of you, too.

- Of me?
- Yeah.

BEAU (ON VIDEO): Man,
Ms. Wernick, oh, my God.

Look at her titties.

I don't care how old she is, man.
I want to f*ck her so bad.

They're popping while
I bend her right over.

♪ ♪

Beau!

Beau, need to speak with you.

- Yeah, what can I do for you?
- I just saw your TikTok.

- Dope.
- Okay.

I need you to delete the video of me

and of any other faculty
members or any other students.

Okay? Or you're taking
it up with the principal.

Is that clear?

Yeah, you want me to
delete it, Ms. Werdick?

- It's "Wernick," Beau.
- Yeah, that's what I said.

Uh, Mrs. Werdick.

- I said it right, right?
- (OTHERS LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING FORCEFULLY):
You're so f*cking funny.

Funny Beau who wants
to bend me over a desk

and f*ck me, right?

- Um...
- Well, here I am.

Here are my big titties for the taking.

Right? Oh, you want to f*ck me, Beau?

- You want to f*ck me, Beau?
- PETERSON: Ms. Wernick?

My office. Now.

(SIGHS)

_

(MUFFLED CHATTER)

DAVE: Al? Al? Al!

- Yes. Sorry.
- Clock in.

You know I don't pick an
outfit out without you.

Uh, sorry.

It's... it's amazing. (CHUCKLES)

- It's the Met Gala we're talking here.
- Yeah.

We need to make a splash, okay?

- Yes. Yes.
- We need to do something big.

Like what Jack Harlow did.

Oh, my God. When he said "I love you"

to Emma Chamberlain on
the red carpet, I freaked.

I recorded it, rewound it,
recorded it, rewound it.

- I kept watching it ov...
- What is the deal with this guy?

- Oh, my God.
- I don't understand.

It just doesn't make sense to me.

It's like, he's tall,
he's good-looking.

He makes Gen Z's p*ssy quiv. Who cares?

- Dave.
- JOHN-PAUL: Sounds like this guy cares a little bit.

This is my first reentry back
into society since the whole...

- You didn't hang yourself?
- DAVE: Oh, no, not ha...

- Yeah, yeah.
- You know b... Like, whatever.

Everyone's gonna be wondering,
like, what is he up to?

What's his next move?

Who is Lil Dicky . ? Right?

Are we missing an opportunity to
make some kind of statement here?

You can bring attention to a-a cause,

- you know, that you care about.
- A cause.

Use your platform for good.

I used to not care at all
about what to care about.

Now I care about what to care about.

I just have no idea what to care about.

Ghosts.

Ghosts, it's ghosts. I'm sorry.

Right now? Right now, it's ghosts.

I've never encountered
any sort of ghost issue.

Okay, then I'll f*cking k*ll myself.

What about climate change?

- Climate change?
- Hmm.

We have years to stop the temperature

from rising . degrees Celsius,

and if we don't do that,
it will lead to catastrophic damage

that will lead to the
destruction of the Earth's...

- Are you kidding?
- JOHN-PAUL: It is what it is.

How is no one talking about this?

- ALLY: People are talking about it.
- Everybody's talking about this.

How is this not, like,
leading SportsCenter every day?

Like, breaking news, we have ten years,

days left, like we have...

Ooh, I love this for you.

Okay, yes, a look about climate change.

- Okay, okay, okay. Earth.
- Save the Earth. Save the Earth.

- I have it. I can't tell you.
- DAVE: What is it?

It's got to be a rush job.

- It's gonna cost you five times as much.
- Five?

But it's gonna be good, and
I really need this right now

- psychologically, like...
- Al! Will you be in charge

of making sure that I
use my platform for good?

- From here on out?
- Wait, are you serious?

Yeah, I need someone to do
that. Who better than you?

You're the moral compass of life for me.

Would you take that honor, or
do you not have the bandwidth?

(CHUCKLES): Ban... Bandwidth? Yeah. Yes!

I have bandwidth. I have bandwidth.

- Yeah?
- Yes, yeah, please.

- DAVE: Great.
- ALLY: Yes. Yeah.

CEO of morality.

Whoo!

- GATA: Yeah.
- CATHERINE: Okay, there we go.

- Don't scratch my baby.
- No, I promise you I will not.

- All right.
- (LAUGHS)

CATHERINE: All right.

- Aw...
- All right, Moms.

- You want it back by : or : ?
- Oh, it's all good.

Do what you got to do. I'm-a
just get a ride from Elz.

Okay.

They really stole your sh*t
straight out the driveway.

I can't believe they took the car.

The whole block is getting worse.

- It's getting tricky over there, Moms.
- Yeah.

But don't you worry about me, baby.

You just focus up, okay?

They got me on this panel, just me.

- (LAUGHS)
- No LD.

- Can you believe that?
- Yes, I can.

- I love you, baby.
- All right, I love you, Moms.

You have... Mm. You have fun, okay?

Ey, pray for me now.

- Oh, child... Always.
- GATA: Whoo!

(LAUGHS) Oh, sh**t.

Oh, yeah, look at this here, bruh.

I'm about to get my
William Shakespeare on

up in this m*therf*cker, bro.

- Thanks for coming, dawg.
- Of course. This is crazy.

This is like a real event.

I know, bro, they got stars
coming out, make a cameo and sh*t.

Dude, I didn't realize you were
like such a mental health expert.

What? (SCOFFS)

I'm about to win this sh*t, bro.

Gata, you know it's a panel.
There's no winners. There's just losers.

Bro, there's always
room for some gander.

I'm Black and bipolar, bro, seriously.

- They need a real n*gga out here like me giving perspective.
- Do they?

What the f*ck, dawg? I
thought you was out here

- supporting me, bro.
- I'm here to support you,

but I'm saying do they need
"a real n*gga" perspective?

Or do they just need a
n*gga up there, you know,

- to fit in with all the white people.
- I'm locked in for this sh*t, bro.

Cognitive dissonance. You hear that?

Cognitive dissonance.

Took me about a week
to memorize that sh*t.

I'm about to go backstage.

All right, bro. Good lookin'.

- Hey, I'm-a win this sh*t, bro.
- (EXHALES SHARPLY)

♪ ♪

DAVE: Great call on the
contact lenses, John-Paul.

I love this sh*t. I feel
like Bradley f*cking Cooper.

Imagine someone walking
down the red carpet

with brown eyes? (LAUGHS)

- You look hot.
- I'm gonna send

a little pic to Robyn. She's
got the house to herself,

she might want to masturbate.

- (CAMERA CLICKS)
- Oh, Dave.

I didn't realize you had a girlfriend.

Eh... not my girlfriend.

Definitely a special
person in my life right now.

But she lives in Wisconsin,
and we're kind of like,

in this, like, experimental
new phase of dating,

I suppose, but, uh...

I'd say it's like casual sex
with, like, a fuckton of heart.

But you're thinking about her.

You're thinking about her all the time.

Even when you're not with her, right?

Eh, I don't think about her
at every moment, no. Should I?

I don't know, I feel like
casual sex is awesome, right?

It's kind of like, like
it's loose, it's hippie.

It's freeing, you know?

I mean, the specificity
in which they make love,

it's more than that,
it's uniquely intimate.

It's almost primal in its execution.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

It's such standard fare with me and her.

It's like, missionary, girl on top.

It's good. I mean, sometimes we sweat.

That's emotional. That's a connection.

- There's something deeper.
- I look her in the eyes.

- And that means a lot.
- I haven't looked anyone

in the eyes before when-when I f*cked.

We're the only animals
on earth that do that,

other than bonobos and gorillas.

- A bonobo?
- Mm-hmm. Like the pants.

You think she's sitting
over there, like, thinking,

"When's the day he's gonna
ask me to be his girlfriend?"

MIKE: Well, ma... or-or wife.

Whatever. I can't really
focus on that right now.

There's too much potential
energy in the Big Apple.

Look at this. I'm getting f*cking
dolled up for the Met Gala.

This is your new beginning,
a new birth for you.

- This is a big moment for my rebrand, and...
- MIKE: Huge.

- Dave.
- DAVE: Yeah?

- Dave, my sexy boy.
- Yeah?

It's time to see the suit.

- (GROANS)
- I haven't slept in three days,

- but we got this all figured out.
- Show me.

- Okay. Well, you wanted big.
- Yeah.

I can give you bigger than
you've ever seen, baby.

- Okay.
- Okay, so,

here we have you.

You're walking down the red carpet.

You're looking cutie,
you're looking sexy,

- you're looking gorg-eanica, you're slaying.
- Well animated, yeah.

But is that all it is?

No. Not in John-Paul's world.

I don't do sh*t like that.

So, you're gonna get
to your trigger point.

- Trigger point?
- And you're going to yank on this chain,

which is gonna be in the back

attached to the accelerator
that will fire up,

and then you're gonna inflate.

Holy sh*t.

- JOHN-PAUL: Big. The world.
- DAVE: So... okay.

- You're. The. Globe.
- The globe, yeah.

- Yes. Yes. Yes.
- Very cool conceptually.

So, big enough to where
it's knocking all that...

JOHN-PAUL: We're talking feet.

It's gonna take up
the whole entire space.

So if I was here, and
I pulled the thing,

and like, he was here, he would...

Not quite like a b*mb, but
somewhere in the middle.

- Like an airbag?
- Yeah, don't say "b*mb."

- Like an airbag, exactly, yeah.
- Oh.

- Don't say "b*mb" to the press.
- AVA: Don't say "b*mb."

It looks like it's gonna
hurt a-a little bit.

- Yeah.
- For a few people.

It would hurt more if
the world wasn't saved.

- Yeah.
- Dave, I just need you to know

that you're gonna get
permanently banned.

So? You think I give a sh*t about...

MIKE: He does not give a sh*t.

...the Met Gala and all
these g*dd*mn celebrities?

The world is exploding!

- Yeah.
- Or... ending or you know...

Whew! Oh, my God, we're
gonna be, like, the most...

talked-about people in the world.

- In the world. Yeah.
- But for the world.

("DIES IRAE" BY MOZART PLAYING)

REPORTER: What are you wearing, Emma?

It's Versace.

Oh, my God, it's fabulous.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)

REPORTER: Megan! Megan! Oh, my God!

- You're so hot!
- REPORTER : Megan!

Megan, how?!

MGK! MGK!

You got to have a huge cock, right?

- Uh... Okay.
- How big is it?

The people need to know.

♪ ♪

MAN: Oh, sh*t.

Are you Lil Dicky?

Don.

- Hi.
- (LAUGHS) Oh, man!

- What's up, man?
- Man...

- Nothing much.
- Oh, I'm a fan, bro.

- Yeah?
- Man, I got to tell you, that death sh*t? Dope.

Oh, it was, uh, you know,
no. I mean, yeah, but no.

- It wasn't like that.
- Don't let anybody steal your thunder.

It was amazing.

- Yeah, oh...
- Okay. You're amazing.

Look, I got to go in here
and do my thing, but, uh,

you want to hook up later?

I'm meeting Denzel in
there and we can, like,

smoke a J and just get f*cking crazy.

- It's the Met Gala, right?
- Smoke a joint with you and Denzel Washington?

- Yeah, man, you with it?
- Uh, yeah, yeah.

- All right, Lil Dicky, good to meet you, bro-bro.
- You, too, Don Cheadle, bro-bro.

- Stay up, bro.
- (CROWD CLAMORING)

♪ ♪

Don! What's next for you?

Uh, you know, some Marvel sh*t.

(REPORTERS SHOUTING, CLAMORING)

REPORTER: Who are you?!

REPORTER : You faked your death, man!

REPORTER : Who are you now?

(SHOUTING, CLAMORING)

Hey, Dave, are you dead or alive?!

- Over here! This way!
- (SHOUTING, CLAMORING)

We have years to not make it...

(SHOUTING, CLAMORING)

No, we have years left

to make the world not
be . degrees Celsius...

more temperature-wise...

but can't go over the...

or it's irreversi...

- Um...
- (SHOUTING, CLAMORING)

♪ ♪

REPORTER: Right this way, Jack!

Oh, my contact!

Oh! (GRUNTS)

(SHOUTING, CLAMORING)

Can we pause for the contact?

g*dd*mn it. Do you see it?

He can wait his turn!

He'll wait his turn!

(MUTTERING): f*ck it. f*ck. f*ck.

As I was saying,

if we don't get our sh*t
together right now as a world,

we'll never do what we need to do to...

L-Deezy! What the f*ck, man?

This blunt ain't gonna
smoke itself. You in or what?

What's happening?

Let's go!

("REQUIEM IN D MINOR,
LACRIMOSA" BY MOZART PLAYING)

(GRUNTS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(GONG CLANGING)

Please take your seats.

Certainly are the beautiful people.

(CHAIR SQUEAKS)

(GROANS) g*dd*mn it.

Welcome...

to the Met Gala.

You are all here because
you are the elite, but...

who is...

most?

Look around.

Who do you despise?

Who is your rival?

Tonight we shall find out.

Olaf!

The ball!

("REQUIEM IN D MINOR,
LACRIMOSA" BY MOZART CONTINUES)

♪ ♪

ANNA WINTOUR: There
is only one Met Ball.

- (GONG CLANGING)
- First up,

Travis Barker.

(GONG CLANGS)

- Oh, sh*t.
- WINTOUR: And...

Finneas!

(GONG CLANGS)

- Who is that?
- Billie Eilish's brother.

(MURMURING CONTINUES)

(WHISPERS): Who's Finneas?

(DRUMS PLAYING)

♪ ♪

(BOTH SHOUTING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You f*cking idiots.

WINTOUR: Just a little prank
we play for the first years.

Yeah, we just get f*cked
up and have a good time.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Yeah! f*ck yeah!

WINTOUR: Enjoy yourselves.

Everything's free.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

This dude really f*cking
believed that sh*t.

(HARLOW LAUGHING)

I mean, what world are
you living in, dawg?

Uh, hey, youngin.

I'm living in the world
that's only got years left

unless we make the
three and a half de...

or two and a half degrees
Celsius not reach that point.

What world are you living in?
One that's TikTok-based?

(LAUGHS)

My name's Jack. What's your name?

- What's your name?
- Like, my legal government name?

'Cause I know you know my artist name.

The whole reason that you're even here

- is because I came first.
- Mm.

Look at how you've modeled
your whole physicality.

I mean, surely you must hear it a lot.

I do know who you are,
and you're actually...

the worst thing that's
ever happened to my career.

Hard to compete.

You know, just being
associated with you at all is...

it's tough. I can't lie, but...

I get through it, as you can see.

It's hard to be
associated with this level...

of art.

It's a breeze at the end of the day.

- (BOTH LAUGH)
- Don't touch.

You can look, but you can't touch.

I'd rather touch almost.

I'll give it to you, you got hot.

Some people want to be hot,
some people don't, I get it.

"Ooh, I put earrings in."

If I wore those, I'd look like a woman.

- (SNIFFING)
- What are you doing?

Mmm.

You stink, bitch.

I like that.

(SCOFFS) Got beef?

'Cause I got a whole slab.

(HARLOW SCOFFS)

p*ssy.

Okay.

"Slab"?

Thank you all so much
for joining us here today.

So, Demi, tell us, where do you stand

on the media's portrayal
of mental health?

Well, look, I've made my
fair share of mistakes.

And I love you, media,

but you love to tear us down.

Still if you've got a platform,

you have to stay open,

keep yourself accountable,
you know what I mean?

I agree, you got to
put your sh*t out there

- every day.
- Wait, we can curse?

- I want a do-over.
- (LAUGHTER)

Oh, yeah, you a fool, Demi Lovato.

And you got a cold-ass falsetto, but...

that's what it's about though,
you know? Share your pain,

and somebody else
will share theirs, too.

Lot of people connect with me, honestly,

'cause I am bipolar.

- (AUDIENCE MURMURING)
- Oh, me, too.

I feel you on that.

I think it's about staying
true to your feelings.

For me, at least. You know,

when I was younger, things
were a little confusing.

I had to understand my gender identity,

my sexuality...

Sexuality? Oof!

That sh*t got me going crazy.

Did y'all know that
I'm a sex addict, too?

Check this story out.

One time, I was in
my car, bored as hell,

so I, you know, slide in a chick's DM,

tell her to come through, she pull up,

whoop-deep-whoop, yada, yada, yada.

But she didn't look nothing
like her pictures though.

That's when I realized

I got sucked by a fat bitch
just to feel something.

And after I bust, I'm like, "Damn.

n*gga really got a problem."

(AUDIENCE WHISPERING, MURMURING)

What the f*ck is Gata talking about
in front of all these white people?

Hey, do you, do you know him?

Uh, unfortunately.

Aw, man, your friend is awesome.

Uh, my name's Ted Shunim.

- I make reality TV.
- Elz.

I've got this new show.

It's a mental health
show called Nut Haus.

- He would be great.
- I mean, you could talk to Gata.

He'd do anything to be
famous at this point.

What, I'm supposed to be up
here keeping it real, right?

No need to whisper.

- Right.
- (AUDIENCE MURMURING)

And, um...

uh, Mr. Steer, you've talked about...

And I never met my dad.

And I call my aunt my
mom because she raised me.

Oh.

- GATA: That sh*t kills me every day.
- Mm.

I'm not gonna allow y'all
to sit up here and judge me.

Only God can judge me.

That's cognitive dissonance.

- That's beautiful.
- (APPLAUSE)

Thank you so much for
sharing that with us.

He's gonna be famous.

I want to save the Earth,
too, Al, I really do,

but, like, Don Cheadle's
here, Harlow... (STAMMERS)

It's like, it's a lot. It's
an overwhelming situation.

ALLY: Look, it's not a lost cause.

Because the most visible
picture at this thing

is always the bathroom selfie.

I have no idea what that means.
What is the bathroom selfie?

Every year the coolest celebs

go to the bathroom at the same time

- and take a selfie.
- (SIGHS)

You've got to find out
when they're doing it,

get in there and pull that cord.

Well, how does it, how do I do that?

- I don't know how that f*cking sh*t works.
- Um...

excuse me, do you, do
you mind if I, um...

just, uh, plug in here?

Thanks, Olaf, bye.

- Is that okay? Okay.
- Yeah.

- Thank you. Sorry.
- Yeah, take a seat.

There's, like, one outlet
in this whole place.

- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, I could use a seat.

- Whew!
- Whew.

Oh, that feels better.

(EXHALES)

You okay?

Yeah, just...

- can't see anything with this thing on.
- Oh, yeah.

I'm Rachel.

- Hi, Rachel.
- Hi.

- I'm Dave. Nice to meet you.
- Dave, nice to meet you.

You having fun?

Uh, not particularly.

- (LAUGHS): No.
- To be frank with you, no.

It's my first Met Gala,
and it's just not going

anywhere close to how I envisioned it.

Hey, honestly, these
things really stress me out.

- Yeah?
- I only came, my publicist forced me,

so I could promote my next movie.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

I will go see that movie.

So the promotion actually worked.

Tell your publicist you've
got one customer locked in

to go see that new film.

- All right, I will...
- Yeah.

- I'm gonna let her know, thank you.
- Yeah.

My publicist made me come here, too.

- Really?
- Yeah, I've got a publicist, as well.

What do you do, Dave?

I'm a rapper.

- Yeah.
- A rapper?

- Cool, right?
- Very.

- Yeah.
- So, like, you could write a rap about us

meeting like losers on the ground.

Couple of people chitchatting,
sitting Indian style.

I would knock it out of the park.

(LAUGHING)

I'm really bummed that
you're not having fun

- at your first Met Ball.
- Uh, well...

What can we do to turn that around?

How can we make it better?

I mean, do you know anything

about this bathroom selfie thing?

- I feel so lame asking that.
- No, don't feel lame.

I felt the exact same way.

You just need someone
to get the ball rolling.

- Okay.
- So I'm gonna corral everybody up.

And you're gonna go to the bathroom.

Everyone comes in, and it's
gonna down just like that.

You really have that
kind of influence, huh?

I got them eating out
of the palm of my hand.

- Yum, yum, yum.
- Ah!

- Are you gonna be in this picture with me?
- No, God no.

No, no, no. I don't take
pictures in bathrooms anymore.

The elephant in the room is,
like, getting up is gonna be,

like, borderline
impossible in this outfit.

- Really?
- Yeah, will you help me up?

I can't.

I was hoping you would help me.

Ah, let's combine...

- the inertia of...
- Where are our publicists?

I know. Here, we can...

if we just... (GRUNTS)

- (SCREAMS)
- I got you.

- Sorry, sorry. Yes, I'm up.
- You okay?

- (LAUGHS)
- Should we do the plan now?

- Yes. Okay.
- Okay, copy you.

- Copying that.
- Rachel's on the move.

- Roger, you.
- I'm gonna go to the bathroom downstairs.

- Okay, yes.
- Across the hall.

- Go get 'em, tiger.
- Third door. Okay.

No, that's what I'm saying, I
just did it a couple hours ago.

Just handle it, please. Jesus Christ.

So I need you to get in there and...

Hang on a second.

Okay, yeah.

I need somebody to get in
there and get rid of it, okay?

Get it out of there
before it opens tomorrow.

Yeah, big red letters
right by the crown.

Yeah, on the inside, Carla, you think

I scaled the outside of the
f*cking Statue of Liberty?

No, you don't yell at me, okay?

This is your f*cking job!

It's what I pay you for.

Why do you need to know what it says?

It doesn't matter what it sa...

It says "f*ck white people," okay?

Just get...

No, I wasn't on fentanyl
again. Jesus Christ.

(WHISPERS): "Fentanyl"?

(STAMMERS)

f*ck.

(FARTS)

(SIGHS)

(FARTS)

(SIGHS)

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SNIFFS)

(WHISTLES)

- You crushed it out there.
- Thank you.

(OVERLAPPING CONVERSATIONS)

- So I'm saying it's like, it's like pickleball.
- Yeah.

- But it's better than pickleball.
- Okay.

CHEADLE: Because you can,
you don't have to be dressed.

- Right, that's true.
- Exactly.

KELLY: Dude, this has
become my favorite part.

- Let's do the selfie.
- Up yours.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Man, that food sucked.

Whoo! We look good, baby.

- Let's do it.
- (TOILET FLUSHES)

- Selfie time?
- What the f*ck?

Whoa.

DAVE: No?

Wait... (CHUCKLES)

Are we doing the bathroom selfie, no?

Were you waiting in the
stall for the selfie?

- (LAUGHTER)
- DAVE: No.

If you must know, I was taking a sh*t.

So...

- Ah.
- Ew.

sh1tting, he says.

(SNIFFING)

It's fine, guys.

Yeah, uh...

I don't think this
guy was taking a sh*t.

- Wow.
- And I'm from Kentucky, so I know sh*t.

- That's facts. - Yeah.
- Yeah, he does.

What? What the f*ck does that even mean?

Why would you lie about
that? That's so lame.

I'm not lying.

Do you guys want to smell
my assh*le for proof?

- Uh, what do you want?
- No, gross.

- FOX: Ew!
- I'm sorry.

- Ugh.
- Criticism aside,

I owe you an apology from Germany.

I am sorry about what happened.

I don't blame you for the
Holocaust just 'cause you're

- a tall Aryan guy.
- That's not at all what I'm talking about.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I've never even been to Europe, dude.

Oh! You've never been to Europe?

- Wow. Really?
- Whoa.

HARLOW: Oh, God.

You would love Europe.

Okay, you don't know anything about me.

None of us do.

BARKER: You guys, shut
the f*ck up, let's take

this f*cking picture
before I lose my mind.

Please, please.

- Let's do this.
- Yeah.

Why don't you guys stand
right next to me, no, stand

right next to me.
Stand right next to me.

- Okay.
- DAVE: Right here.

- Yeah.
- Okay, remember...

- You're gonna remember this sh*t forever.
- Okay.

- Whole world's gonna see this sh*t.
- KELLY: All right.

All right, so, uh,

how about "we run this city" on three?

Nice!

CHEADLE: All right, here we go. One,

(DISTORTED): two...

three!

- ALL: We run this city...
- Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Sorry. (GRUNTING) One more.

Oh, sorry.

You said you didn't want to
be in the bathroom selfie.

Oh, well, well,

one more for old time's sake.

Does my hair look okay?

It looks perfect.

CHEADLE: All right, all
right, let's do this.

One, two, three.

ALL: We run this city!

- (CAMERA CLICKING)
- All right.

- Another one?
- KELLY: Yes, sir!

CHEADLE: All right, I'm gonna go
hang out with some Black people.

Man, that was an exhilarating
mission, wasn't it?

Uh, yeah.

Thank you for, like,

going all out to set me up

- for success.
- Oh, yeah, of course.

I mean, you're just... you're so cute.

- And funny and...
- Oh, thank you.

Yeah, I, um...

do you live in L. A.?

- Yeah.
- Really?

- Yes.
- Okay.

Um, do you want to get a meal sometime?

- It'd be fun. Do you want to give me your phone?
- Yeah, yeah.

- And I'll put my...
- Sure.

Number in the old, uh...

- Digit in the old...
- Box of, uh...

- magic box.
- That would be...

- everything.
- (PHONE BUZZING)

Oh, sorry, you're getting a call here.

Yeah.

Sorry, here you go.

(CLUCKING TONGUE)

All right.

Well...

- Okay.
- Okay.

You'll be hearing from me.

- Okay, sounds good.
- Okay.

Oh, and I want to
hear that rap about us.

I'm on it.

Good night.

(QUIET CHATTER)

(PHONE CHIMES)

♪ ♪

(DEVICE WHIRRING, BEEPING)

Oh, f*ck!

(YELLS)

Move! Move!

Oh, no, I'm in flames, ah!

- I'm gonna roll!
- (CLAMORING)

Help!

(SHOUTING, SCREAMING CONTINUES)

- (TIRES SCREECH, HORN HONKS)
- I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING, CLAMORING)

(HORNS HONKING)

- (SCREAMING)
- (CRASHING)

♪ ♪