08x04 - My Maid, Your Maid

[bunniefuu]

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

Beans don't burn
on the grill

Took a whole lot
of tryin'

Now we're up
in the big leagues

As long as we live,
it's you and me, baby

There ain't nothin' wrong
with that

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

a piece of the pie

Oh!

Weezy, what are you
doing down there?

Panning for gold.

What does it look
like I'm doing, George?

Just get up.
I don't want my
wife doing that.

There's a mess.
Do you expect me
to just let it sit here?

Why not? Florence would've.

In case you haven't noticed,

Florence doesn't
work here anymore.

Florence never
worked here.

Look, Weezy,
you shouldn't be doing
that kind of work.

I mean it!

Oh, you missed a spot
right over there.

Besides, it ain't good
for a woman your age.

You're at that
point now where
if you bend over

you might not be able
to stand up again.

What happens
if your knees lock?

They are not
going to lock.

But with any luck,
your jaw will.

Weezy, this ain't
no laughing matter.
We need a new maid.

No, we don't.

And besides, nobody could
take Florence's place.

A trained seal could
take Florence's place.

George, there's only
the two of us here now.

Besides, maids
are expensive.

Good. We're rich.

And rich people have
an obligation to spend money.

Poor people are too
busy working to do it.

George...

Look, Weezy,
I don't wanna
hear another word.

I'm gonna go call
a maid's union now.

George!
Weezy, I don't
wanna hear it.

My mind's made up.
George!

What?

My knees are locked.

Oh!

What's the matter?
Did you step in something?

Oh, no.

No. You see,
I was...

Oh, never mind.

Is there something
I can do for you, Miss...

Cepeda. Carmen Cepeda.

Hi. I'm Louise Jefferson.

Sit down.

Now, uh, tell me,

why are you here?

Well, your sign said
"Help Center". Help me.

So, uh, what kind of
help, uh, do you want?

What kind of help
do you got?

Well, that depends on
what your problem is.

Yesterday, in a dark alley,
I was robbed.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Was it you?

Oh, no, no.

But I'm sorry anyway.

Thanks.

You see,
three weeks ago,

I left Puerto Rico
with all the money
I had in the world...

$ .

You moved to
New York with $ ?

I know, that's a lot.

But I wanted to have
plenty of money.

And now some, um,

how do you say,
uh, mugger

is living like a king
off my savings.

Yeah.

He's probably bought
himself a t*nk full of gas.

Uh...

Carmen, it sounds like
you need money.

Uh, do you have a job?
No, but I've been looking.

Every employment agency
tells me the same thing.

"We ain't got nothing.
We ain't got nothing."

I'm sick and tired
of hearing it.

I know what you mean.

Do you have
any jobs here?

We ain't got nothing.

Oh, I mean,
uh, you know
what I mean.

Yeah, I know
what you mean!

Well, that's one way
of looking at it.

Uh, look, Carmen,
exactly what is it
you want to do?

I want to be Streisand.

I beg your pardon?

Streisand. You know...

Peoples, peoples
who need peoples

Oh!

Oh, that Streisand!

Oh, I'm sorry,
Carmen,

but I'm afraid
that job's already
been taken.

Just my luck.
I'm always a day short
and a dollar early.

Well, you don't expect
to be a star overnight.

I don't. I know.

It takes
a lot of hard work.

But I'm a hard worker.

Mrs. Jefferson,
don't you know anybody

who needs anybody
who'll do anything?

Carmen, I'd really
like to help.

I'd like you to, too.

Tell you what.

I'll make some calls,
see what I can do.

And why don't you
check back in
three for four days?

Three or four days?

Oh, well, these
things take time.

It should not take time!

A man falls off a ship
and he yells for help!

You don't say that

"Check back in
three for four days".

Carmen, you are
not drowning.

I might as well be
for all the help
I'm getting around here.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Carmen, here.

Carmen, how are
your knees?

Oh, so now you want me
to get down on my
knees and beg you.

Some Help Center.

And by the way,
you are not in the center.

This building is
on the corner.

Wait!

Uh, you... Oh! Oh!
You don't understand.

I was wondering
if you'd be interested
in a maid's job.

Ah, I was already
turned down
for a maid's job.

I asked
Mr. Irving Braddock.

He owns a steel company.
But he wouldn't hire me.

Why not?

He said I had
no experience.

He said no person
in their right mind

would want someone like
me to be their maid.

Why do you ask?

Uh, I was gonna ask
you to be our maid.

Oh. Good move.

I mean it, Carmen.

Uh, my husband and I
were just talking
this morning

about hiring
a new maid.

Oh, Mrs. Jefferson,

this would be perfecto.
I don't believe it.

Thank you!
Thank you!

You're beautiful!
Oh, thank you.

You're wonderful.
Oh, it's nothing.

And your husband,
he's a saint.

Well...

Hmm.

These are very impressive
credentials you got here,
Miss Prud-Hom-a.

That's Prudhomme!

Oh, Prudhomme.
Oh. Sorry.

Please sit down.
I prefer to stand in
your presence, sir.

Oh, nice touch.
I like that.

Okay, let's see.
It says here,

you worked years
for Winthrop Sinclair.

Where've I heard
that name?
Jets, sir.

Of course. He plays
halfback for the Jets, right?

No, sir.
He builds jets.

Right. Just testing you.

Very good, sir.

So, why ain't you still
working for Mr. Sinclair?

One evening,
he asked me into
the library where he

forced his
attentions on me.

On you?

Indeed, sir.

Well,
you ain't gotta worry
about that around here.

I mean, we don't
have a library.

Do tell.

Uh, will these
be my quarters?

Um, no.
These be our quarters.

I mean, uh...

Which wing will I occupy?

The Florence wing.
It's right off
the living wing.

And, sir,
will I be cooking?

Well, if you don't,
we'll be starving.

Very good, sir.

I love it
when you say that.

Very good, sir.
Yeah.

Then you're hiring me?

Yep. You got the job.

Congratulations, sir.
Thank you.

I think you'd be the
perfect maid for a man of
my standing and great wealth.

I'm a very
rich man.

And my salary, sir?

Hey, times
are tough.

George, I've got
a big surprise.

And I've got
a bigger surprise.

BOTH: Meet our new maid.

Okay, okay, no big deal.
Just a little mix-up.

I'm sure we can
solve this as adults,

without hurting
anyone's feelings.

You. Leave.

Now wait
a minute, George.

This is Carmen Cepeda,

and she's gonna be
our new maid.

So, I'm sorry
for the mistake

but the position
has been filled.

Weezy, are you crazy?
This is Miss Prudhomme.

She's got
great credentials.
Look at this.

Well, what about Carmen?

She's got great...

Knees.

All right, listen, ladies,
would you excuse
us for a minute?

Weezy, I'd like
to talk to you
in the kitchen, please.

We'll talk this thing
over intelligently,

weigh out
the pros and cons

and then, Carmen will leave.

Now, George,
listen to me.

No, you
listen to me.

Look, Weezy,
I'm easy going

and I don't like to
make a fuss, and I'm
a broadminded kinda guy.

But the enchilada's
gotta go.

Her name is Carmen
and she's staying!

Prune Face
has got to go.

That's Prudhomme, Weezy,

Prudhomme.

LOUISE: Well, I want Carmen.
GEORGE: Prudhomme.

LOUISE: Carmen,
Carmen, Carmen!

Lovely people.

Oh, I'm Carmen Cepeda.

Well, I suppose
somebody has to be.

Well, ladies,
it's all settled.
Yes!

Carmen, you're going to
be my new maid.

And, Prudhomme,
you're going to
be my new maid.

Sir.
Oh, thank you.

Your breakfast, sir.

Mmm, boy that smells...

Smell that, Weezy.
That smells good!

Oh! Prudhomme,
this is great.
Fantastic.

What is it?

Eggs Benedict, sir.

Oh, of course,
of course.

I just wanted
Weezy to know.

And of course this
gunk on top is, uh...

Hollandaise sauce.

Good. Good.
I hate it with ketchup.

Oops.
Sir.

Class, Weez.

Thank you, Prudhomme.

Weezy, ain't you
gonna eat?

Uh, that's my
maid's bell.

Carmen!

That's your maid's bell.

CARMEN: Hold on
to your hats,
it's chow time!

What's so funny?

It just so happened
I woke up this morning

with a craving
for dry cereal.

No, not just
any cereal!

Corn Flakes!

Wow!

Doesn't that just make
your mouth water?

Look out, Tummy,
here it comes!

Mmm, man, these
eggs are delicious.

How's your cereal, Weez?

Tasty.

Look how beautiful
she set up my table.

Mmm, I feel like
I'm eating in
Buckingham Palace.

So, how's everything
over there at
Mac's Truck Stop?

GEORGE: Prudhomme!
Get some coffee out here.

Oh! That voice cuts
through me like a buzzsaw.

I like Mr. Jefferson.
He has a lot of spirit.

He's a small, loud
pimple of a man.

Prudhomme! Coffee!

The pimple calls.

Mmm.

This cereal is
so fresh, George.

Would you like some?
Nope.

Mind if I try
your eggs?
Not a chance.

Mrs. Jefferson, you have
such a lovely apartment.

And this table,
it's beautiful.

Oh, thank you.
I picked it out myself.

Prudhomme likes it too,
don't you, Prudhomme?

More eggs, sir?

Prudhomme, I'm interested.
What's your opinion?

Well, I think this table
goes very well with...

...with, uh...

More eggs, sir?

See, Weezy, I told you
she liked it.

Excuse me, sir.

I really know
how to pick 'em,
don't I, Weez?

So, Carmen, what're you
preparing for Mrs. Jefferson's
dinner tonight?

I'll get it.

Uh, thank you, Carmen.

Hello. Jeffersons.

Who do you like to talk to?

Sorry.

Who was that?
I don't know.

It was for Mr. Jefferson.

I only answer the phone
for Mrs. Jefferson.

I'll get it.

No! Don't touch that phone!

Hello. Hey, Mr. Walters.

What do you mean?
How should I know
who answers my phone?

Look, Mr. Walters,
I gave you my price.

It's the lowest
in the city.

Okay, if you don't believe me,
take your business
somewhere else.

What? Oh, that's better.

Okay, good,
we got a deal.

See ya later.

Mr. Jefferson,
that was wonderful!

You had him
under a barrel.

You had the
lowest price in town.

Are you kiddin'?
It's the same price
all over town.

You lied?
No, I was bluffing.

It's the American way.

George, don't
tell her those things.

Why not, Weezy?
Bluffin' ain't nothing

but showing that you're
smarter than the other guy.

You see, Carmen,
in business, you...

What am I talking
to you for?
You ain't my maid.

Mr. Jefferson...
Prudhomme!

I buffed
your shoes, sir,

and I took the
liberty of replacing
your odor-eaters.

Thank you, Prudhomme,
that was very thoughtful.

No, it was
very necessary.

You're causing
trouble, Weezy.

It's not me
causing trouble.

It's having two maids.
That's the trouble.

I know. That's why
one maid's got to go.

And it's obvious
which maid's gonna stay.

Prudhomme, how long
have you been a maid?

Oh, going on
years, sir.

Oh, really. Carmen?

Going on two hours.

And Prudhomme changed
the odor-eaters in my shoes.

Did Carmen change
your odor-eaters?

I don't need odor-eaters.

Cheap shot, Louise.

If the shoe fits, George.

Look, I'm the man
in this house

and I say what goes.

And I'm saying she goes.

Yeah? Well,
I'm the woman
in this house

and I say she stays!

Look, I'm the one
who pays the rent.

I'm the one who
earns the money.

I am Jefferson Cleaners!

Oh, you are, are you?

Well, I happen to be
% of Jefferson Cleaners!

Yeah, the %
that don't work!

And speaking of things
that don't work,

let's talk about
your brain!

Oh, now you want
to get personal?

Oh, yeah.
You ought to
take day off and...

That's right.
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no. Wait!

Please, this is no good.

You are both
beating a dead bush.

You have been
very nice to me.

But now I'm causing
you trouble, so I quit.

Uh, Carmen, no.

Weezy,
she made up
her mind.

Miss Prudhomme,
the job is yours.

Well, after all,
the best maid won.

What's gonna happen to you?

Oh, don't worry about me.
I'll find another job.

Can I use your phone?

Yeah. As long as
you don't call
out of the country.

Who're you gonna call?

Mr. Irving Braddock.

Maybe he'll hire me now.
I have two hours experience.

Irving Braddock,
the steel magnate?

That's the one.

Are you happy now?
Yeah.

Mr. Braddock?

This is Carmen Cepeda.

I was wondering
if your maid job
was still open.

It is?

He's desperate.

Well, I have a little
experience now.

You will?

Oh, thank you.
Excuse me for a second.

Mrs. Jefferson,
is $ ,
a good salary?

My dear...
Yes?

Let me
do you a favor.

Why don't I take
the Braddock's job?

You'd be in
way over your head.

Besides, it's so much
cozier here with them.

Mr. Braddock,

there is a lady here
who'd also like
to be your maid.

Her name is
Miss Prudhomme.

He knows you.
Of course.

Can you use her
instead of me?

You can?
Oh, thank you.
Goodbye.

You got the job.

Wonderful!

I'll send for my things.

But what could be
better than
working for me?

Bubonic Plague?

And why do you wanna leave?

Why?

Because, sir,

you are a small, loud,
pimple of a man.

Pimple?

What?

You know I wish
you was a man.

So you could
beat me up?

No. 'Cause you'd be
better looking.

What a boor.
A boor?

I'll handle this.

Nobody insults
my husband and gets
away with it except me.

Now, do you wish to
leave by the elevator

or over the balcony?

I beg your pardon?

Prudhomme, you're a stuffy,

two-faced snob.

Well, I never!

Believe me, deary, it shows!

Weezy,
you were great.
Terrific!

You know, the only thing
that bothers me now

is that Prune Face
is gonna be
getting a job

that has great pay
and great hours.

No, she won't.

What do you mean?
There is no job.
I made it up.

You mean, you lied?
No, I bluffed.

It's the American way.
Pretty good, huh?