08x13 - I Spy

[bunniefuu]

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

Beans don't burn
on the grill

Took a whole
lot of tryin'

Now we're up
in the big leagues

As long as we live
it's you and me, baby

Ain't nothin' wrong
with that

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Florence,
I hate to be pushy.

But you're the maid and you're
just sitting there reading.

I'm the employer and I'm
doing all the dusting.

Now, let me ask you.

Do you notice anything wrong?

Mmm-hmm.
You missed a spot.

What?

Miss Jefferson,
my standards are high.

Now if you're going
to do my work for me,
at least do it right.

I mean, really!

Hey, Weezy,
I gotta go to work.

Florence, you cooking
dinner tonight?
Mmm-hmm.

Well, you better get started,
you only got six hours left
to burn it up.

Don't forget, George.
You promised to take
Ralph to lunch today.

Oh, no...

A promise is a promise.

You're not gonna
weasel out of this.

Weezy, I ain't trying
to weasel out of it.

Look, if he calls, just tell
him I looked at Florence,

they took me to the hospital
to have my toes uncurled.

Why don't you just tell Ralph
that Mr. Jefferson donated his
body to science?

And they sent it
back stamped "reject."

George, Ralph has been
looking forward to this lunch.

It's his own special day.

Look, Weezy, it's his
own special invention.

Who ever heard of
National Doorman's Day?

He probably made that up.

He didn't make it up.
It's right there on the
calendar.

And who gave us the calendar?

It was a Christmas gift...

From Ralph.

Forget it, Weezy.
Look, I don't want to go.

I ain't got nothing
in common with the man.

I don't answer doors.

I'll get it.

Oh, hi.

Out of my way, George.

What's wrong, Helen?
It's Tom.

What'd you get the bill
from his Diner Club?

All Tom thinks
about is himself.

When he comes home,
all he wants to talk
about is his work.

He never asks me
about what I do.

What do you do?

I work at the Help
Center, George.

Oh. Ain't you involved
in that thing, Weez?

Yes, George. For
the last five years.

See? I thought
I remembered that.

See, we communicate.

Louise, I'm so frustrated.
I've been trying to tell
Tom about the new project

that I've been
working on lately.

But it's a
wonderful project.

I know, but Tom doesn't
seem interested at all.

When he comes home, all
he wants to talk about

is that silly book that
he's working on.

The Miracle of Snoring.

You think you got
problems, huh?

I got to have lunch
today with Ralph on
National Doorman's Day.

Oh, this is National
Doorman's Day? Hmm.

On our calendar, it's
not until next month.

You hear that, Weez?
I knew it was a racket.

You're going, George.

Listen, Helen, why
don't we have a cup of
coffee and talk this over?

Oh, I can't, Louise.
I'm running late.

Oh, by the way, if Tom
asks, which he won't,

I'll be down at
the Help Center,

working on that new project
that he's not interested in.

Who cares?

Oh, George,
your tie is loose.

Oh! Do you believe
the way she acted?

She deserves to be
married to Willis.

George, this is serious.

Helen's my best friend.

I can't remember the last
time I saw her so upset.

Florence, did you hear
what Helen just said?

Uh-uh. I was in the kitchen
minding my own business.

Well, listen, George...

But if Mr. Willis don't
start paying more
attention to his wife,

their marriage is all over!

I thought you were minding
your own business.

Well, I was till I heard
the juicy part.

Now, let me tell
you what I think.

Of course, now I ain't
never been married...

And you never will be,
if there's a God.

Oh, there's a God all right.

And you're the way he
celebrates April Fools' Day.

Anyway, Miss Jefferson,
one thing I do know,

is that when a man stops
paying attention to his wife,

it's all over.

You think so?

Yup. Just like my
daddy used to say,

"When a man stops paying
attention to his wife,

it's all over."

Florence, that's the doorbell.

Yeah, somebody
must've pushed it.

Hello, Mrs. Jefferson.
Oh, hello, Ralph. Come in.

Greetings, Mr. Jefferson,
sir! I've been looking
forward to this all year.

Look, Ralph, unfortunately,

I'm not gonna be
able to celebrate
National Doormans' Day.

Why not?
'Cause I don't want to.

Well, I understand, sir.
You don't wanna be seen
with me.

After all, you're a rich,
influential tenant

and I'm just a
lowly doormat,

I mean, doorman.

No, no, Ralph.
That's not it.
No, that's all right, sir.

Even the lowly groundhog
has his holiday, but

not Ralph Hart.

Well, at least now I know
my place in the universe.

Somewhere beneath rodent.

George, take him to lunch.

Okay! Okay!

Fine, sir.

I thought we might
try this modest
little French restaurant.

It's the perfect
place to celebrate
National Doorman's Day.

Oh, yeah, that
reminds me, Ralph.

How many of those
calendars did you give
out last Christmas?

Oh, let me see.
One for each tenant.

About .

Way beneath rodent,
Weezy. Way beneath.

So...

This is how the
other half lives.

I hope we can
get a good table.

Leave it up to me.

Two for lunch.

Do you have a reservation?
No...

Well, I'm sorry, sir.

But we won't be able
to accommodate you.

But you don't
know who I am.

And I don't care to.

Oh, MonsieurRalph.
I didn't know this
gentleman was with you.

Will you require
your usual table?

Mais oui,Alfonse.

I'm sure the Senator
won't mind moving.

You've been here before
haven't you, Ralph?

Now that you
mention it, sir, uh,

last summer the Doorman's
Union held their annual
clambake here.

Your table is ready. Merci.

What was that all about?

Oh, Alfonse thinks
you're a TV star.

Oh, really?

Yes, sir. I love
it when you say,

"The plane, boss, the plane!"

Bon appétit.

I can't tell you how much
I appreciate this, sir.

Dining with you in a
place like this, it's,

well, it's the
thrill of a lifetime.

Hold that thought, Ralph.
Look over there.

That's Martin J. Bradshaw III.

He owns one of the largest
textile companies in this
country.

Oh.
Oh, I'd give
anything to meet him.

Really?

Let me introduce you.

Hey, Marty!
Ralph!

Ralph, you old son of a g*n.

Marty, you old dog, you.

How's the wife and kids?

Oh, Barb's fine,
and you know Chip.
He's growing like a weed.

Oh, say, Ralph, let
me buy a drink for
you and your friend.

Uh-uh. Your money's
no good here.

Waiter, send Mr. Bradshaw's
check to our table.

You don't mind do you, sir?

Mind? Why should I mind?
There's only six of them.

Say, Ralph, you haven't
sold your beach house in
the Virgin Islands, have you?

And lose a neighbor like
you? Perish the thought.

Hey, Ralph, I'm paying
for the guy's meal,

the least you could have
done was introduce me to him.

Oh, you know how it
happens sometimes, sir.

I meant to introduce
you but...

I forgot your name.

Oh, oh, my.
What's the matter?

We have a situation
developing at table four.

Right behind you.

It's Helen Willis!

And that's not Tom
Willis with her either.

She told us she was
going to the Help Center.

Looks like she's getting
her help somewhere else.

She said that Willis
wasn't paying enough
attention to her,

but I didn't think things
had gotten this bad.

She's actually having
an affair, Ralph.

And the most depressing
thing of all,

it had to happen on
National Doorman's Day.

GEORGE:
Weez, I know what I saw.

She was with another man!
They're having an affair.

And you know
what's even worse?

What?
Ralph is loaded.

Oh, forget Ralph, I want
to hear about Helen...

Uh, I mean, that
other situation.

Yeah, me, too.

Uh, Florence, this
is kind of private.

Would you mind going
to the kitchen?

Uh-uh. Then I'd have
to strain to hear.

If there's gonna be some dirt,
I don't wanna miss it.

I'm telling you, Weezy,
she's two-timing him.

Uh, George, this isn't
the place to discuss

Greta and Heinrich's problems.

Greta and Heinrich?

Yes, you know
Greta and Heinrich.

We were just
talking about them.

Is Heinrich fat?
Mmm-hmm.

Oh...

I just can't believe
Greta's sneaking around
behind Heinrich's back.

I saw it with my
own two eyes.

I can't believe she
would do such a thing.

I know Greta.
She's my best friend.

Well, my best friend is...
What's his name again?

Heinrich!

Heinrich! That's him. And I
can't see nobody making a
monkey out of my best friend.

So I gotta tell him
what's going on.

But, George, I don't think...

Oh, excuse me,
I'll go in my room, so
you all can talk freely.

Thank you.

But I'm gonna tell
you one thing.

If Heinrich don't start
paying more attention
to what Greta's doing

down at that Help
Center, the Willis'
marriage is all over!

I'm glad she's gone.

Anyway, Weezy, I gotta tell
Heinrich what's going on.

I can't let Greta make
a fool out of him.

Uh, George, we can use
their real names now.

Oh, yeah. Well, look I gotta
tell Tom that Helen's fooling
around behind his back.

How can you? You
don't have any proof.

Proof? I overheard them
say they were gonna meet

at the same restaurant
again tomorrow.

But, George, they
could be going for some
perfectly innocent reason.

Uh-uh, Weez.
They had champagne.

Oh, well!

Like you remember that time
we took Lionel to the zoo

and we saw Andy Panda
looking at Samantha Panda
with those eyes?

Yes, but I don't
see the reason...

Well, Helen had
Andy Panda eyes!

But, George, suppose
this is true, which
I don't think it is.

It's none of our business.

So promise me you
won't tell him.

Okay, I promise
I won't tell him...

I'll show him.

Table for two.

Ah, messieurs.Do you
have a reservation?
No, but...

Then I'm sorry, I cannot
accommodate you.

Can you accommodate
me for $ ?
No.

Can you accommodate
me for $ ?

No.

"The plane, boss. The plane."

Ah!

But, of course!

Right this way, please.

I have a very special
table for you.

Thank you.
Oh, thanks.

Bon appétit.

Same to you.

Boy, this is a pretty fancy
restaurant, George.

Now why'd you
bring me here?

Well, it's a good
place to eat.

Besides, I had something
I want to show you.

Not tell you, show you.

Boy, are you gonna
see something.

I don't understand, George.

Oh, well, you will,
Willis, you will.

Take a look around and
see if you see anything
interesting.

Oh, I can't tear my eyes
away from this menu.

Have you tried
the bouillabaisse?

Willis, will you look around
the restaurant and see if
you can find your wife?

Helen?

Oh, yeah!

Well, I'll have to go over
and say hello, after we order.

Didn't you notice
anything strange?

Yes, they don't have
the prime ribs in the
Hungry Man's Cut.

Hey!

Now that I have
your attention, will
you listen to me?

There's something
I gotta explain to
you about your wife.

"When the cat's away,
the mice will play."

What?

"The grass is always
greener on the other side."

Huh?

"There's gonna be a hot time
in the old town tonight."

I beg your pardon?

Your wife is cheating on you!

What are
you talking about?

Why, Helen wouldn't cheat
on me. She loves me.

Besides, what possible
reason could she have

for having an affair
with another man?

Look, she told me and Weezy
that you weren't paying
enough attention to her.

Well, Helen knows
I've been busy.

Well, as you can see,
she's been busy, too.

Check it out.

Oh, oh, there must be some
other explanation for this.

Well, why would she
want another man?

Take a good look at
that guy, Willis.

Now, take a look at yourself.

She's leaving me!

George, what should I do?

Well, I know what I would
do if it was my wife.

I'd go over there and beat
the hell out of the guy.

You're right! Push
has come to shove.

I'm about to lose
someone I love. My wife.
That's right.

I'm not about to let
her go without a fight.
Good.

If the waiter comes, tell him
I'll have the bouillabaisse...

Hello, Helen.

Oh, Tom, what a surprise!

Yes, I'll bet it is!

I'd like you to meet...
Save the names.

I'll deal with
you later, woman.

You, sir. Stand up!

No.

All right, then we'll duke
it out sitting down.

Who is this man?

Well, usually he's my
husband, Tom Willis.

Tom, this is Carl Davis.

I know what's going on
between you and my wife.

What are you
talking about?
This doesn't concern you.

I'll be waiting
for you outside.

And if you're a man,
you'll be there.

Oh, George, I've
changed my mind.

Order me a steak.

And make it rare!

Oh, Carl, I have
to apologize.

That's a strange man
you've got there.

Believe me, I've never seen
Tom act like that before.

I can't understand
what's come over him.

Oh, now I understand
what's come over him.

Well, well, well.

So, you got caught with
your hand in the cookie
jar, huh, son?

You cheap bigalo!

That's gigolo.
He admits it.

George, what's
going on here?

As if you didn't know.
How could you?

I admit your husband's
not that much.

He may not be the best
looking guy in the world.

Lord knows he's
not the thinnest.

But he's a decent man
and a loyal man.

He would never hurt you
the way you're hurting him.

Now what ya got to
say for yourself?

George, I've been
helping Carl set up

the new marriage counseling
program at the Help Center.

We just came
here to celebrate.

Oh.

You're a marriage counselor?

Yep.

Then why don't you counsel
this woman's husband.

He's a hothead.

He's always jumping
to conclusions.

I tried to tell him. I said,
look, it's nothing going on
between the two of 'em.

You think he'd
listen to me? No.

Well, no harm done.
Later, bro.

So! He thinks he can
make a fool of me, huh?

Willis, I gotta talk to you.
What?

I made a mistake,
shh, listen...

Carl, I've never been
so embarrassed.

Believe me, Tom would never
act like that on his own.

What about that other guy?

George?

Well, let's just say that
every day is a full moon
for him.

Excuse me, I've got
to go settle this.

No, wait, Helen.

As long as he thinks
we're having an affair,

let's not disappoint him.

What?

I'm very attracted to
you, Helen. I want you.

For what?

I've tried to imagine what
your husband was like

and now that I've met
him, I know you're
ready to have an affair.

What are you talking about?
I'm a marriage counselor!

You told me your
husband wasn't paying
enough attention to you.

That's a danger sign.

Helen, you're signaling
me that you'd like to
have an affair.

I am?

Let's not kid ourselves.
We're adults.

There's a nice hotel
around the corner.

I do some of my best
counseling under the sheets.

What do you say?

Man, you touch me
and you're history!

Hi. Look who's here,
Mr. Egg-on-my-Face.

Tom.
No, no, Helen.

I just talked to George.
He explained the whole thing.

But, Tom...
No, no, I was wrong.

I mean, I made a fool
of myself, as usual.

Please, Carl, go right
ahead with your plans.

And by the way, I love
what you're planning to
do with my wife.

You do?

Tom!
Helen, now you know I have
to work late Tuesday night,

so if you two need to get
together, use the apartment.

Hey, thanks, pal.

Sweetheart, I know I haven't
been paying much attention to
your activities lately,

but I want to know everything
about what you two do.

And once you're settled in,
I want to see some pictures.

Tom! He wanted to
take me to a hotel!

Well, fine, fine.

I'll tell you what.

Let me make up for the
way I behaved today.

You want to use a hotel,
let me pay for the room.

Tom! This man just
made a pass at me!

Fine, fine. Whatever you...

Say what?

Baby, you just blew
a good thing.

Did you make a
pass at my wife?

I sure did, man.
You ought to try it sometime.

Well, that's it.

You better stand up
this time because I wanna
see you fall a long way.

Come on, man. Lighten up.

You got a good
looking woman here.

If you can't take care of
her, someone else has to.

Get up.

Tom, don't do this!
He's not worth it.

Put 'em up!
George!

Okay, let's do it.

Listen, I want you to know
that I'm not a violent man.

But you've driven me
this far and there's
no turning back now.

Put 'em up!

Tom, please...

No, no, Helen.
A man's gotta do
what a man's gotta do.

Now stand aside.

Put 'em up!

You know, I want you to know
that I've learned a very
valuable lesson today.

Oh, yes, I have.
A husband has to pay
attention to his wife.

I mean, marriage
is a partnership

and what's important to one
partner should be important
to the other partner.

Now, that's true. As
a marriage counselor,
I've found...

Oh, trying to weasel
out of this, huh?

Well, why don't you quit
stalling? Put 'em up!

Look, I can't take
anymore of this.

I don't know about you, but
I'm an emotional wreck.

I'll tell you what, let's
just say that we've had it
out and you've won. Okay?

Well, I...
Let it go, Tom.

Well, all right, Helen.
But I still say...

All right, all
right. It's over.

Well, now get out of here.

All right, all right.

But, baby,

if you change your mind...

Oh, Tom, you're wonderful.

Oh, honey, I was so scared
he was gonna hurt you.

Not half as scared as I was.

Helen, I want to
make you a promise.

From now on,
whatever interests you,
interests me. Okay?

Okay.

Oh, come on, let's
go home, Rocky.

Oh, George. I've changed my
mind again. Cancel my order.

I'm in training!