08x20 - The Strays: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

Beans don't burn
on the grill

Took a whole
lot of tryin'

Now we're up
in the big leagues

As long as we live
it's you and me, baby

Ain't nothin' wrong
with that

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

LOUISE: Florence, aren't you
through dusting yet?

Not yet. Right now,
I'm doing the bar.

Now I'm doing
the coffee table.

Hoo-whee!

This table
sure is dusty!

I ain't seen
this much dust since
Lawrence of Arabia.

As a matter of fact,
I oughta get a raise.

Ah, well, all through.

Florence, you should be
ashamed of yourself.

No, you should be ashamed,
sneaking up on
a body like that.

Oh, I'm sorry, Florence,
but I had to sneak.

I didn't want to
disturb your reading.

Well, that was
very considerate.

To return the favor,
why don't I dust
your furniture for you?

Oh well,
that would be nice.

Florence, would you believe
tomorrow will be years

George and I
have been married.

No, as a matter of fact,
I don't believe you went on
a second date with the man.

Hey, I had to.
It was his turn to pay.

I'm just kidding.
Congratulations, really.

Oh, thanks, Florence.

Psst!

Psst! Florence!

Oh, I knew I heard
some kind of bug.

-Where's Weezy?
-She's in the bedroom. Why?

Good, I want you to
help me do something.

Uh-oh, is this gonna be
the "I can do it myself

but I'm just too lazy"
kind of help?

Or the "Florence Johnston
is my last hope"
kind of help?

Cause if it's the "hope"
kind of help,

you ain't gonna get no help
until you help my hope chest.

Okay.
Will dollars help?

I'd say there's hope.

Now look, as you know,
tomorrow's me and Weezy's
anniversary, right?

I've already bought
Mrs. Jefferson
a sympathy card.

Oh, that's nice, Florence.

Now look, see, I want
to get another diamond put
in Weezy's wedding ring

without her knowing about it,
but I can't.

-Why not?
-Cause she never lets
it out of her sight.

I mean, let's face it,
Florence,

when George Jefferson
gives somebody something,

it's not easy for them
to part with it.

That would explain
this headache I've had
for the last seven years.

-Florence.
-Okay, okay,
what do you want?

Okay. I want you
to get it away
from her for me.

See, when she asks
for breakfast in the morning,

I want you to get her
some toast with
a lot of butter.

And then you yell,
"Look, a duck!"

And when she turns
to look at it,

you slip the ring off of
her finger and just
give it to me.

You spent all morning
thinking of that?

Well, can come up with
a better plan?

Well, why not just
ask her for it?

Just ask her for it?
Just like that?

She's just gonna
give it to you
just like that, huh?

Florence. That's what's
so cute about you.

You're always looking
for the easy way out.

You're so innocent,
so naive, so dumb.

Life's not that simple,
Florence. You've gotta...

-Uh, excuse me,
excuse me.
-Shh. Shh.

Mrs. Jefferson, I noticed
that your wedding ring
was dirty.

If you take it off,
I'll clean it for you.

Oh, why thanks, Florence.

That's very thoughtful
of you.

See? Now, you're learning!Okay.

Now the next thing I want
you to do is take it down
to Tishman's Jewelers.

He already knows
what I want done, okay?

Then I want you to
pick it up for me later.

Okay, but It'll cost you
another bucks.

-Another bucks?
-Yeah.

The first
was to get the ring
from your wife.

It'll cost you another
to get me to do your
legwork for you.

This is robbery!

Robbery? See Mr. Jefferson,
that's what's so cute
about you.

I mean you're so innocent,
so naive, so dumb.

Hello?
Yes, speaking.

What?
You kidding?

When?
How much was taken?

Okay, okay,
just call the police.
I'll be right there.

George, what happened?

Oh, my messenger
from my Brooklyn store
just got mugged.

They got away with my
whole week's proceeds.

Oh, George.
Was anybody hurt?

Yeah, me! I said
they got away with my
whole week's proceeds.

George, I meant
your messenger.
Is he all right?

I'll find out when
I get there.

But if he gave up
that money without a fight,
you can send him flowers.

Oh, sure.

I mean, what's a human life
compared to a whole
week's proceeds?

See that, you understand.

Why couldn't it have been you
that got mugged?

Ed! You okay?

Yeah. They got me
from behind, Mr. Jefferson.

I didn't even see
what they looked like.
I'm sorry.

Okay, okay, Ed.
Don't worry about it.
The money's not important.

-The main thing
is that you're okay.
-Thanks.

Here, look.
When you feel up to it,

I want you to fill out
this repayment plan.

-Mr. Jefferson?
-Officer Barrett.

-How you doing?
-Fine, how about you?

Hey look, never mind that.

What the hell happened here?

Well, I just got here myself
only minutes ago

-but so far the evidence
points to one thing.
-What?

All your money is gone.

What evidence have you got?

All your money is gone.

Now, according to Ed,
he left here,
cut through the alley

on his way to the bank.

He was struck from behind,
rendered unconscious

and robbed of your
whole week's proceeds.

-Are those the facts, sir?
-Yeah.

So, what does
all that mean?

All your money is gone.

Will you quit saying that?
I know my money is gone.

What I want to know
is who took it.

-We believe some kids
are responsible.
-Kids?

Ed! You mean to tell me,
you let some kids
take my money?

But, Mr. Jefferson,
I got knocked out.

With what?
A Slinky?

-Mr. Jefferson...
-GEORGE: How could you
do this to me, Ed?

Haven't I been goodto you?

Don't you remember
six years ago, that day
your wife had triplets,

I let you go home early?

-Speaking of
going home early...
-Again?

-Well, my head hurts.
-Okay.

But look, remember
on your way home, you gotta
pass that nursery school.

You know those kids
get pretty mean when
they're teething.

Mr. Jefferson, I think
your problem is you're getting
hung up on the word "kids."

What are you talking about?

Well, I don't think
we're dealing with
a glee club here.

I have a hunch your messenger
was att*cked by a very
tough street g*ng.

-A street g*ng.
Are you sure?
-Nope.

But it sounds good.

Listen, I'm through
in here. I'm going out
into the alley

and investigate the scene
of the crime.

-Well, you think
you might find anything?
-Nope.

But it can't hurt to
go through the motions.

What the hell,
I'm a professional.

I'll go with you.
You think there's any chance

you might recover
some of my money?

Nope.

Well, maybe.
If you've got
all the serial numbers.

Serial numbers?
Quick, Ed.
Give me the serial numbers.

Huh? I think one bill
had a six on it.

Good work, Ed.

One bill had a six on it.

-Well, ain't you gonna
write it down?
-Oh, forgive me.

"One bill had a six."

Got it.

Ed, look, would you
lock up, please?

And see if you can
do it without getting
knocked out, okay?

-Find any clues yet?
-Not yet.

Look, don't you think
you might be in this
over your head?

Why don't you turn' it
over to the FBI?

Well, you ain't detecting
a damn thing.

Sometimes it helps
to layout the crime
step by step.

Now, here's the alley.

-And here's the street
your store is on.
-Right.

Now, I figure the g*ng
must've waited for
your messenger here.

Yeah, and my messenger
entered here.

The g*ng spotted him
and cut him off
and met him here.

Uh-huh. Then he tried
to escape here.

But that was a dead end
so they headed him off here.

Uh-huh. Then they tried
to run him down here.

Only to be
cut off here.

Yeah, so what does
all that mean?

Simple.
You lose.

Care to try for
two out of three?

Look, Barrett, why don't
we just stick to trying
to solve the crime, okay?

One thing I know for sure,
there's no such thing
as a perfect crime.

Every criminal
makes a mistake.

-They got all your money,
didn't they?
-Yeah.

Then I don't think
they made a mistake.

Hey. I wonder how long
this candy wrapper
has been here.

Jefferson, why don't you
just let me do
the police work?

What are you talking about,
this could be a clue.

Say, maybe you're right.

Try this on for size.

Your messenger was
bashed over the head
with a Tootsie Roll.

Then the fiends
covered their tracks
by eating the w*apon.

Ooh, so in other words,

the crime was committed
by a Tootsie Roll lover.

That's exactly
what they want us
to think.

But in reality,

the crime was perpetrated
by kids who like

some other candy bar.

-You sure?
-Nope.

But I had you going
for a while, didn't I?

Look, Barrett, let's look
around for something
that means something, okay?

Hey.

Here's a five dollar bill.

-That's probably mine.
-Nope, no six on it.

Finders keepers.

Well, I've done
all I can do here.

Think I'll mess around
in some other case
until it's time to knock off.

-You're a real comfort, Barrett.
-To serve and protect.

You know something,
it's a good thing
I got a good accountant,

or my taxes would be
paying your salary.

Hey. I wonder who
this watch belongs to?

Me.

But I have a feeling
I'm gonna like yours
much, much better.

-Louise, aren't you
even curious?
-No.

I don't know
how you do it, Louise.
I mean, if it were me,

and I knew that
my anniversary present was
probably in the apartment,

I'd be tearing the place
upside down
trying to find it.

Well, George trusts me,
and he wants it
to be a surprise,

so, you check the closet
and I'll check the cupboards.

-Right.
-Right.

Hey, look at this!

Do you believe that
people actually used to
wear these silly hats?

Uh, Tom.
That's my hat.

I left it here yesterday.

Oh. Uh, Louise,

don't you agree
that this is a pretty
silly looking hat?

I got it for her
as a gift.

Well, I guess
what I'm trying to
say is that,

when it comes to hats,
that certainly is one.

Yeah, and when it comes
to big mouths,

that certainly is one.

What are you
laughing at, lady?

You ain't got such
hot legs yourself.

George!

Hi, Weez.
What's for dinner?

-What happened to you?
-I got robbed.

Yeah. Louise told us
about the store.

I'm talking about me.
Just now.
Right beside the store.

-You're kidding?
-Do I look like a man
in search of a laugh?

Maybe not.
But you're certainly
gonna get one.

Ah, come on, George.
If I was standing there
in my underwear, you'd laugh.

No, I wouldn't.
I'd take out
avalanche insurance.

George, why didn't you
borrow some clothes
from your store?

Because it was locked.
They stole my keys.

George, are you hurt?

Yeah, my pride.
They took my clothes,
my wallet, my watch.

They even took
my special money clip.

Oh, not the one shaped like
the Statue of Liberty,

where you push the money
In her cleavage?

-Yeah that's the one.
- Thank you.

Crime in this city
has gotten out of hand.

Somebody's got to do
something about it.

I know, dear.

But what's more important
is that you're all right.

-Did you get a good look
at who did it, George?
-Yep.

-Did you tell the police?
-Yep.

But they said that I'm not
the only one who's having
trouble with street gangs.

A street g*ng!
They're a big problem
in the city now.

-How old were they?
-I don't know.

Thirteen? Fourteen?

Oh, what did they do?
thr*aten you with a slinky?

You know something, Willis,
it takes a chump to laugh at
a man that's been att*cked.

God knows
I'd never do that.

Besides, you weren't
even there. And these were
some tough girls.

Girls?

Oh, Helen,
did you hear that?

George got mugged by girls!

It's not
a laughing matter, Tom.

Some of these girl gangs
are more vicious
than the boys.

-Thank you, Helen.
-Oh, they're vicious all right.

They exposed George's legs
to public view.

Oh, this is a nice hat,
for real!

Oh, George, thank God
you gave them
what they wanted.

I'd rather lose
all the money in the world
than lose you.

Speak for yourself, Weez.

I could've
handled those girls.

Oh, of course. Of course.

I was pretty vicious
in my day.

Oh sure, but little girls
probably weren't
that tough then.

Well, I'm gonna make sure
this never happens again.

Oh, you mean that you're gonna
show them who wears
the pants around here?

Pants. Get it?
He's not wearing any pants.

Mr. Jefferson,
your sandwiches are ready.

Yeah. I've still got it.

Well, Bengay
will get rid of it.

Listen, I got
the stamina of a horse.

Speaking of horses,
how you doing, Florence?

Boy, I feel good.

Here you go, Hercules.

Why don't you use
some of them muscles
to open this jar of pickles.

Okay.

Hold it. Hold it.Hold it.

Sure, after I
loosened it up.

Hey, you know,
this reminds me of
my g*ng w*r days.

I used to be in a g*ng,
you know. The whole
neighborhood knew us.

Well, I guess so.
Everybody's heard
of the Seven Dwarfs.

Oh, by the way,

here's Mrs. Jefferson's
wedding ring.

Ain't that beautiful?

You know, I sure hope
I get one like this
some day.

Don't worry about it,
Florence. You'll get married
sooner or later.

-You really think so?
-Sure.

As soon as the guy
divorces his wife.

-Who?
-Frankenstein.

How come you
had me make all these
sandwiches, anyway?

Because that's
my master plan
for getting back

at those girls
who ripped me off.

Remember a few months ago
I hired that bodyguard
named Hugo?

You mean the walking
Coke machine.

That's him. Well, anyway,
he'll be over here
in a few minutes

and me and him
are gonna pay those girls
a little social call.

Believe me,
one look at Hugo and
those girls will go back

to making brownies
like they used to.

Speak of the devil.

And you should.
'Cause someday,
he'll be your landlord.

-Hugo!
-Food!

Hi ya, Florence.
Remember me?

I'm not sure.

You have one of those faces
that blend in the crowd.

Good one.

So what are we
doing tonight,
Mr. Jefferson?

We're gonna go out
and scare some girls.

You got me a date?

No, Hugo,
it's not a date.

See, I just got
ripped off, right?

It was a girl g*ng
called The Strays.

So, what we're gonna do is,
we're gonna go down there.

I don't wanna rough 'em
up or nothing. I just wanna
teach 'em a lesson.

I don't know
much about teaching.

I'm more kinda
the physical type.

Gee, I always admired you
for your mind.

Hey, thanks, Florence.
I like you too.

Say, are you married?

Uh, yes, I am married.

Very, very, married.

I mean, married.

Too bad.
She makes a good sandwich.

-Let's get going.
-Wait a minute.

-What?
-See, I been doing
a lot of thinking lately.

Better late than never.

Thanks.
Anyway, last Thursday,

I was choking this guy
down by the docks,

and it occurred to me that
I could be doing something
more with my life.

I want to go to
medical school and be
a doctor or something.

You? A doctor?

Sure. If Julius Erving
can be one, why can't I?

I mean, look.

Couldn't these be
the hands of a surgeon?

Hugo, these hands
weren't meant for
sewing people together.

They were meant
for ripping people apart.

Well, I do have
a flair for it.

Look, Hugo,

you were put
on this planet
to horrify people.

That's your gift.
Take a look.

See, now wouldn't
you be scared

if you saw you coming down
a dark alley at you?

I guess so.
If I didn't know me
so well.

Now, here's my plan.

I found out that
these girls hang out
in this park

near my Brooklyn store,right.

So what I'm gonna do
is I'm gonna get them
to chase me

over into the alley
across the street.

And that's where
you'll be hiding.
You follow me?

I thought they were
the ones following you.

They are!
Will you just listen?

Okay, after they chase me
into the alley, you just
jump out and scare 'em.

How?

-Oh, yeah!
-Let's go.

Aw. I got a busted one.

They're coming!
They're coming!

What should I do?

-Pretend they stole
your lunch.
-

GIRL: Hey. Come on.

We got you this time.

So, you figured you had
another easy hit, huh?

Well, this time
you've bit off more
than you can chew.

Because my man here,
his mother was
a human being,

and his father was
an angry rhinoceros.

Now, maybe, just maybe
I could call him off.

That's if you promise me
you won't show your faces
around here again.

Is it a deal?

Oh, the little girl's
got a Kn*fe.

That supposed to
scare me?

My man here
eats knives for breakfast.

Right, Hugo?

Hugo?

Hey, Hugo?

Hey, what do you say
we all go get
ice cream sundaes?

What are you?
Some kind of
wise guy, right?

-Turn around!
-Hey what're you doing?

Shut up!

-You got another
watch, man?
-No. I don't.

Yeah, let's take all his
clothes off again.

-What's in that pocket?
-Nothing.

Nice. Thanks.

Hey, wait a minute,
that don't belongto you.

I know.
Now it belong to me.

But I'm telling you,
that's for my wife.
It's for our anniversary.

I'm your wife.

Hey wait a minute,
you can't take...

I said, I'm your wife.

Come on.
Let's get out of here.