09x01 - Laundry Is a Tough Town: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

Beans don't burn
on the grill

Took a whole
lot of tryin'

Now we're up
in the big leagues

As long as we live
it's you and me, baby

Ain't nothin' wrong
with that

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Oh, thank you, Louise.
I was looking for this.

Oh, Florence, here.

George asked me to
give you a paycheck.

Oh, good.

A couple more of these
and I can buy that pack
of sugarless gum

I saw in the window.

Louise, do you think
we should go over

to Mr. Johansson's
around two o'clock?

Okay.

Oh, Mr. Johansson?

Ain't that that nice outgoing
counselor you all got
down at the Help Center?

Yes, he was
nice and outgoing.

That is, until he
met Mrs. Goldberg,
with her Anthropophobia.

-Her Ampa-who?

Anthropophobia.

That's the fear of people.

You see, Mr. Johansson
went to counsel Mrs. Goldberg,

and after she told
him about her fears,

he went home and hasn't
come out from under
his bed in six weeks.

Well, that phobia
sounds pretty bad,

but I got one
that's worse.

-What's that?
-Peeweephobia.

Fear of Mr. Jefferson.

Damn!

What's the matter?

Did the newspaper start
using five letter words
in their crossword puzzles?

Look at this, Weez! Look!

"Dead raccoon
gets parking ticket."

No!

Blue Sky Cleaners
prices slashed!

-So?
-So?

It's raining in the desert!

The ocean's drying up!

Civilization as we know
it today has ended.

Really?

Gee, in that case,
I shouldn't have bothered
to give up saccharin.

Okay, go ahead
and laugh.

You think it's hilarious
that your husband is being
run out of business?

Okay, see if you laugh
when you're running
naked down the street

begging for soup.

Now, George.
You've been in price wars

and you've never
lost much business.

And your clients
are loyal to you.

Wow, look at these prices!

Whoop! From now
on I'm going to
Blue Sky Cleaners.

Uh, George...

Why don't you just
lower your prices, too?

Look, Weezy, if I lower
my prices that means
I've got to cut the quality.

And I don't believe
in stabbing my
customers in the back.

Oh, well,
good for you, George.

Unless I can figure out
a way to do it without
them noticing it.

Like pants! Okay.

I could cut
the price in half,

if I could figure
out a way to clean
just the outsides.

George, why don't
you have a meeting
with Blue Sky Cleaners

and talk out
your differences?

Look, Weezy.
I don't want
to hurt your feelings,

but that suggestion
borders on stupidity.

As an intelligent businessman,

the smart thing for me
to do is to get in touch
with Blue Sky Cleaners

and talk
out our differences.

Somehow,

the way you put it,
it sounds so obvious.

Sorry I butted in.

It's all right, Weez.
Everything balances out.

See, business
is my territory.

And you, uh, well,
you always manage
to look good.

Helen, I'm scared.

Why?

I married that man.

I'm glad you called
this meeting, Mr. Jefferson.

-If you hadn't,
I would have.
-

So you're ready to call off
the price w*r, huh?

Ah! I knew it was
just a matter of time

before Blue Sky Cleaners
would surrender.

Look, don't blame
yourself, son.

You just took on more
than you could handle.

See, you tangled with George
"I take no prisoners" Jefferson.

Mr. Jefferson,
could we get to the
reason I came here today?

Oh, yeah, sure.
Sit down.

Okay, now.

You came here
to talk turkey...

...and I am
the head turkey.

Look, here's what
I figured out.

Now there's enough
dirt in this town
for the two of us.

We wanna buy you out.

So, you clean
the dirt on your....

Say what?

We're prepared to make
you a generous offer.

I should be
buying you out.

Mr. Jefferson,
we have stores.

You have seven.

What's your point?

We're bigger
than you are.

Now, I've, uh, taken
the liberty of drawing
up some figures.

I believe these
are your assets.

That's right.

And, uh,
these are ours.

Again, what's your point?

We're much bigger
than you are.

And, I might add,
we are completely
computerized.

Big deal.

Look, Jefferson Cleaners
only needs one computer.

Can your "computer" process

five million bits
of information
in . milliseconds?

The joke's on you.

We don't have five million
bits of information.

Look, it's, uh, nothing
personal, Jefferson,
but you're a dinosaur.

People want speed,
efficiency.

Face it, it's a young
man's game.

Now, why don't you
just take the grandkids

and the little woman
down to Florida?

Enjoy your golden years.

I'll bet you're a whiz
at checkers, huh?

I hate checkers.

Come on, Jefferson,
retire with grace.

Her name is Louise.

And she likes me to work.

I see.

Well, why don't you sign
this sales agreement

while you still have
a few shreds of dignity?

That's what you can do
with your contract, too.

I take it
this means "no".

No. It's more than that.

This means w*r.

I'm ready to fight you
cuff for cuff,
collar to collar,

crease to crease.
I'm ready to fight you
in the tumble dry.

I'm ready to fight you
in the stream presser.

I'm ready to fight you
until your starch goes limp.

But I'm warning
you, Mr. Jefferson.

It's only a matter of time
until we force you
out of business.

You see there's no way
you can match
our latest promotion.

Oh, yeah,
you wanna bet?

What'd you have in mind?

We're holding
a "Millionth Customer Contest".

This is big, Jefferson.
Headlines all over town.

-That's big to you?
-Uh-huh.

You call that
promotion, huh?

That's cute.

Look, Winslow,
I can out promote
you any day.

-If that's the way
you want it.
-That's right.

And you and your company
are gonna be sorry
you ever met me.

Believe me,
most people are.

Dinosaur, huh?

Rooster poop.

Hello, Fleebo Talent Agency?

I'd like to place
a large order, please.

Now listen up,
everybody.

Now, I know you're all dying
to be part of Jefferson's
Cleaners' latest promotion.

It is to
go down in history as
"The Carnival of Cleaning."

Thank you very much.

Oh. Thanks for the
sandwiches, Florence.

Well, I thought you
might get hungry

while you were
organizing everybody
for your family portrait.

Very funny.

Okay, now...

...everybody line up.

Lion tamer, you stand
next to strong man.

Strong man,
you stand next
to Alligator woman.

Sorry, Florence.

Now.

Now, everybody is going
to be interviewed separately.

Okay? You guys are
Siamese Twins right?

Okay.

We'll start with you, Lou.

Uh, Ed, you can grab
a seat and relax, okay?

Okay, okay.

Come along with him.

So, wait, what do
you two guys do?

Okay, we'll talk about it.

Come on, Mr. Johansson,
come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Oh. Mr. Johansson,

isn't it nice being out
from under your bed?

Oh, sure, it is.

-You're making
marvelous progress.
-Mmm-hmm.

We came clear across town
and you didn't faint once.

The hard part
is over now.

We're going to help
you get over your fear
of people in no time.

Trust me.

George!

Drag it out here!

Hi, sweetheart.
Something wrong?

George, what are
these people doing
in our apartment?

Oh, they're auditioning
for the Jefferson's
Cleaners latest promotion,

which will make
everybody forget about

Blue Sky's
"Millionth Customer" promotion.

Do you realize that
Helen just dragged

a kicking,
screaming wild man
up to her apartment?

Oh, that must have been
Guido the Gorilla Man.

He wasn't supposed
to be here until
three o'clock.

George, this has
gone too far.

When will it end?

At : .

Right after Floyd,
the Human Flypaper.

-But what...
-Look, relax,
take it easy.

Hey, very good.
Very good.

Umm... Let's see...
Oh, yeah. Look, uh,

I'm sorry,
but we don't have
any wild animals, right?

So, uh, my maids
in the kitchen,
maybe you could...

Louise, what in the world
is going on here?

Poor Mr. Johansson
is upstairs hiding
in our broom closet.

I don't have time
to explain, Helen.

I've got to get down
to Blue Sky Cleaners
right away.

You're leaving me alone
with a trembling Swede?

I have to.

Since George won't
listen to reason,

maybe the people
in Blue Sky Cleaners will.

Uh. Take a number,
he'll be right with you.

Congratulations!

You are Blue Sky Cleaners
One Millionth Customer!

Lord, when I think
about you being the
millionth customer

of Mr. Jefferson's
biggest competitor...

I could die laughing.

You want some
more lemonade?

Thank you.

Tell me,what am I going to do
with a new T.V.,

video tape recorder
and camera?

Off-hand, I'd say,
"give 'em to me".

Do you realize that
George is gonna k*ll me?

Oh, Miss Jefferson,
why are you always
looking on the bad side?

I mean, there's got to
be a bright side to you
winning this contest.

Like what?

George is gonna go nuts
when he finds out.

There's one right there.

I'm sorry,
Miss Jefferson,

but I think you're just
feeling guilty about
winning all those prizes.

That's right, I am.

Well, that's what
I'm here for.

Give them to me.

Florence, aren't you
being a little greedy?

Yeah, I guess poverty
kinda does that to poor folks.

Willis! Get in here!

WILLIS: George,
I'd rather not.

Look, Willis, I don't feel
like arguing about it.

Now be a man,
and come on in.

Hey, Weezy.

Meet Mr. Starch.

The new symbol
of Jefferson's Cleaners.

What?

You know, he's sort of
like the Goodyear Blimp
of dry cleaning.

George, what happened
to Floyd the Human Flypaper?

He got stuck in traffic.

Besides, some of those
circus acts are boring.

Now, you take
a fat man in a box.

Now that's advertising.

Okay, Willis. Hit it!

Aw, c'mon, George.

I only agreed
to try the box on.

I... I feel a little silly here.

A little silly? Willis,
look in your mirror.

You're way beyond silly.

Hit it.

Oh, I'm Mr. Starch.

Hey, thank you
for your pants.

And while we get
them nice and clean,
I'll do a little dance.

That's enough.

That's enough!

Tom,

you're a respectable,
intelligent book publisher.

Yes?

Why are you in a box?

Well, George said that
we were good friends.

And that good friends
should do things
for each other.

Well, what's he
doing for you?

Hey!

Look, Willis, don't pay
no attention to her.
Sit down.

Um...

Mind if I stand?

Well, whatever.

Look, Willis,

I want to say
something to you

that I've never said to
another human being.

Will you be
my Mr. Starch?

Does Mr. Starch mean
that much to you?

He meansas much to me as
Mr. Pizza means to you.

George, I had no idea.

Can I count on you,
old buddy?

Call me Mr. Starch!

All right!

Hi, Louise. Hi...

Oh, my God.

Thomas Woodrow Willis,

you come out of there
this instant!

Woodrow?

Hi, honey.

Hey, love your hair.

Hey, hate your box.

What are you
doing in there?

I'm Mr. Starch.

Now, just listen, Tom.

I just spent two hours
prying a man out of
our broom closet

and throwing him screaming
into a subway.

I am in no mood
for "Mr. Starch"!

Helen, you threw
poor Mr. Johansson
on the subway?

Don't you start
with me, Louise.

You left me here
with a bearded woman,

who kept calling
me "Babe".

Then I went upstairs
to find a man quivering
behind a bucket.

Now, I come down here
to find the father of
my children in a box.

That's why I threw
Mr. Johansson
out of the closet.

To make room
in there for me.

C'mon, Tom, we'll use
the freight elevator.

Later for him, Weez.

A guy like that
will make Mr. Starch
look ridiculous.

Hey. Picture this.

Mrs. Starch.

Okay, okay.

George, sit down.

Now that we're alone,

there's something
I want to tell you.

Uh...

Remember I said

that things between
you and Blue Sky Cleaners

had gotten out of hand?

Well, I...

...went down
there to....

Can I say something
to you, Weez?

Thank God for you.

Huh?

You know, every night
I thank my lucky stars

that I married
somebody as loyal
and faithful as you.

Oh...

Yeah, Weez.
You know, it's like...

Like you and me
against the world.

They even wrote
a song about that.

I forget the title, though.

Well, what I'm
trying to say is...

...you are my rock.

Oh...

You know, like,

without you
I'd completely break down.

Oh, Weezy.

Oh, what were
you gonna tell me?

Uh...

Uh, I was just
going to mention that...

I've always
thought that

corn is an
underrated vegetable.

-That's what you were
gonna tell me?
-Yes.

And I thank you
for being there when
I needed to say it.

Oh, uh...

Why don't you just
sit back and read
the evening paper?

Take your mind
off all this.

You're my rock, Weez.

You're my rock.

George! It's late.

Why don't we go to bed?

Weez, it's only : .

: ? And we are still up?

What's wrong?

Er, nothing.

I just wanna talk,
that's all.

-Talk?
-Yes.

Er, communication
is the key to
a successful marriage.

Oh, well,
start communicating.

Uh...

Uh...

Well, I'm all talked out.

Excuse me, Weezy.

I wanna see if
Blue Sky Cleaners has
any more advertising.

Coupon.

They're offering two cents
off on houseboats.

I'll get it later.

Weezy, you sure
you're feeling all right?

Let's go in the other
room and watch T.V.

Oh, George,
that's a great idea.

Oh.
Look at that.

Blue Sky Cleaners
finally found it's
one millionth customer.

Big deal.

Don't touch that doorknob.

Something wrong, dear?

Weezy, how could
you do this to me?

Oh.

Oh, George.
I'm so sorry.

It was an accident.

Oh, well, I didn't mean to
be the millionth customer.

I mean, it's not
so bad, is it?

I mean,
the worst they can do
is run an ad saying,

"Jefferson's wife
likes our store better."

Now, what does
that really say?

Oh, George,
I feel so terrible.

Oh, forget it.

Forget it?

You mean,
you're not gonna yell at me?

Why should I?

The damage is done.

Oh, George.

Look, Weez,
don't worry about it.

I mean,
it's not your fault.

Well, it is,

but who really cares?

George, what are
you saying?

Well, I'm just saying
that Blue Sky Cleaners
has beaten me up.

I mean, uh,
dry cleaning is
a young man's game.

What are you talking
about, George?

I'm just
saying that, uh,

George Jefferson
is gonna retire.