09x04 - Social Insecurity

[bunniefuu]

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

Beans don't burn
on the grill

Took a whole lot
of tryin'

Now we're up
in the big leagues

As long as we live,
it's you and me, baby

There ain't nothin' wrong
with that

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Oh, Tom, I'm sorry
we were gone so long.

Oh, three hours.
You must have been bored.

Oh, no problem.
George and I have been
having a swell time together.

-Oh...
-Haven't we, George?

GEORGE: Go home, Willis!

Oh, oh, that George.
He's such a kidder.

Well, he's been joking
around like that
all afternoon.

Oh, so what's in
these boxes?

Oh, about half
of Bloomingdale's.

I'm afraid I did some
real damage to our
charge account, Tom.

I got a new coat,
two evening dresses,

and one designer pantsuit.

And I put a pretty big
dent in our charge account, too.

I got three new sweaters,
a pair of shoes,

and a jogging outfit
for weekends.

Terrific. Hey, Florence,
how about you?

Oh, me? Child,
I went hog wild.

Oh, what did you get?

Gum.

What's George up to
back there?

Oh, he's just watching TV.

Oh, George, come on out
here and see what I bought.

GEORGE: Is Willis
still out there?

Yes.
GEORGE: Go home, Willis.

Oh, that George.
He just can't stop
kidding around.

He will after he sees
this bill from Bloomingdale's.

Well, why don't you ladies
let your credit cards
cool off,

and I'll go watch TV
with George.

Oh, Tom, you and television,
that's all you ever do.

I wish you'd go out
and get yourself some
fresh air once in a while.

But, sweetheart,
that's what I did
this morning,

when I took my weekly
constitutional.

-Your weekly constitutional?
-Yes.

Every Saturday morning
I love to stroll up
Lexington Avenue

to Krausmeier's Bakery.

You know,
to see the donuts
come off the belt.

Must you share that
with us, Tom?

But, Helen,
a Krausmeier donut
is more than a donut.

It's a perpetual tribute
to the taste buds.

Oh, Tom...

Oh, and by the way,
Florence, on my way to the
bakery,

I saw a woman
who reminded me
a lot of you.

Oh? I didn't know
Lena Horne was in town.

Well, it wasn't
exactly Lena Horne.

Actually, it was
a bag lady.

Oh, but an attractive
bag lady.

Well, anyhow,
she was about sixty

and instead of cruising
comfortably through
her golden years,

the poor woman was
spending her days

rummaging through garbage,
searching for her next meal.

Uh, exactly what was it
about this woman
that reminded you of me?

You two were wearing
the same dress.

Well, thank you for
brightening my day.

Yes, Tom, maybe you could
brighten ours, too,

by shutting up.

Oh, I'm, I'm sorry, Helen.

I mean, I didn't mean
to be morbid,

but you know
seeing that woman
made me realize

how fortunate
all of us are.

Oh, thank God
we're provided for
in our old age.

You know, Louise,
our company's pension plan
is as solid as they come.

Yes, George and I
are pretty lucky.

He's got great plans
for us after he retires.

Yeah, a trip to Europe.
Maybe a summer home someplace.

Oh, well, Florence,
what are you gonna do
when you retire?

Oh, I guess I'll just
find a garbage can
to rummage through.

Luckily, I already
have my dress.

Oh no, I meant the money
that you have in
your pension plan.

What pension plan?
I ain't got no pension plan.

Nice going, Helen.
Now you've made her feel bad.

Well, now, Florence,
I'm sure you've
been preparing.

Oh, I'll bet you've got
quite a savings account.

$ . .

Oh, uh, well, who knows

what $ could be worth
years from now.

Um... Well, excuse me.

I, I think I hear
George calling me.

Oh, coming, George.

While there's a lull
in the conversation,
I'd offer y'all some gum,

but who knows what gum
could be worth in years.

Oh, come now, Florence,
you're exaggerating.

Your future isn't gloomy.

You're overlooking
a simple solution
that's so obvious,

I'm surprised you haven't
thought of it yourself.

Well, child, lay it on me.

Well, uh...

Tell her, Helen.

Uh, uh...
Well now, um,

maybe you could
win a lottery.
Or something.

Well, that's comforting.

Oh, by the way,

do you think this bag
goes with this dress?

Oh, Florence...

Oh, Florence, wait.

You know, I must confess

until right now
I never thought of
your retirement.

But I promise,
since it's come up,

I'm going to speak
to George about it
right away.

Oh no, Miss Jefferson.
It's my problem,

so I think I should be
the one to kneel down

and talk to him
face to face.

George, why are you leaving?
Why can't we have a chat?

You know, like pals.

Go home, Willis.

George, you know,
I'm getting the feeling

that I'm not wanted
around here.

Come on, Helen,
let's go.

Okay, Tom.
Well, so long, Louise.

And, Florence, good luck.

Thanks, Miss Willis.

Uh, so long, Helen, Tom.

Go ahead, Florence,
ask him.

Oh, not now, Miss Jefferson.
I think I better wait till
he's in a good mood again.

By that time
we'll all be retired.

You're right.
I better ask him now.

So, Mister Jefferson,
how you feeling?

Fine, thank you.

You want me to fluff
that pillow for you?

No, I don't.
I buy my pillows
already fluffed.

I'm very comfortable.
Thank you.

You know,
like my granddaddy
used to say,

"There are times when
you are comfortable

and there are times
when you just think
you're comfortable.

But even when you think
you're comfortable,

you can always be made
more comfortable

by somebody who cares
if you're comfortable."

-Your grandfather said that?
-Uh-huh.

-Is he dead now?
-Uh-huh.

Well then he's
comfortable.

-I'm gonna
fluff this pillow.
-Florence, will you...

There. Now wasn't
my granddaddy right?

Will you get out
of here?

And look at those
little footsies.

You know, I'd bet
they'd be a lot
more comfortable

up there on that
coffee table.

I know they can't reach,
but I'd be happy
to move it for you.

Okay, Florence, what is it?
What do you want?

What do I want?
What do I want?
Why merely to serve you.

-Oh...
-To make you happy.
Are you happy?

You wanna make me happy?
Okay, here's how to
make me happy.

-Go buy me a box
of Havana cigars.
-You got it.

-Where do they sell them?
-Cuba.

If you run into a guy
with a beard named Fidel,

just insult his mother.
He likes that.

Oh, you little Dickens.
You're so funny.

Oh, I'm sick of this.
Move your feet.
We're gonna talk.

-Florence, get out of here.
-Just give me five minutes.

Look, you don't have
to put a time limit.

You've been around here
long enough.

You know me,
and I know you

and whatever it is you
want,

you can rest assured
the answer's no.

But that ain't fair,
Mister Jefferson.

I ain't even had
a chance to ask you
about my pension plan.

Pension plan? No,
you can throw that
out your mind.

Well, what am I
supposed to do

when I'm old and gray
and I can't work
no more?

You should have thought
about that five years ago
when it happened.

Now leave me alone.
I'm trying to watch
television.

Oh, no.

Now we're gonna talk.

Mr. and Mrs. Willis
has got a pension plan.

You and Miss Jefferson
have got a pension plan.

What about me?
What have I got?

Crow's feet.

I'd scalp you,
but nature b*at me to it.

Somehow I don't think
you two settled this.

It's settled.

Oh, it ain't no use,
Miss Jefferson.

I ain't got no
pension plan,

'cause your husband
ain't got no heart.

Florence,
where's my breakfast?

George Jefferson is unfair.
He's short with no hair.

Weezy, honey? Sweetheart?

Would you get my
breakfast?

Oh, the silent treatment, huh?

Well look, Florence,
that sign ain't gonna
do you no good.

Why? Ain't I holding it
low enough for you to read it?

Louise,

deep down inside,
despite this pension thing,

you still love
and respect me, right?

I see. Well, in that case,
I guess I'll have
to have breakfast

with my friend, the Willis'.

A guy should have
good friends,

and the Willis'
are good friends.

Unfair! Unfair!

Well, I might as well
skip breakfast anyway.

I could stand to shed
a few pounds.

Well, I hope you can
keep up with the way
you shed your hair.

Look, Florence, okay,
so you're not gonna
get my breakfast.

Could you get my paper?

Well, I guess I gotta call
my only friend
in the building.

Hello, Ralph.

Hey, look, grab me
a paper, will you?

Look, I don't care
if Zsa Zsa's on Merv.

I need a paper. Thank you.

George, when is all
this gonna get through
that brain of yours?

Everybody thinks
you're wrong.

Your friends are
picketing the hallway.

Everyone is against you.

Weezy, I think
you're exaggerating.

See, George?
Doesn't all this
tell you something?

Yeah. It tells me that
pointed toe shoes
are back in style.

Florence, you get this one...

Okay, okay.

-Ralph.
-Hello, Mister
Jefferson, sir.

-That was quick.
-I flew here
on winged feet.

Knowing I was doing
a favor for you turned me
into a virtual Hermes.

Yeah, well, I don't
care what you got.
Just don't give it to me.

-You have the paper?
-Right here, sir.

Oh, well, now then,
Mister Jefferson,

I actually,
I can't give you this.

You see, although
I admire you as a great
and generous person,

Florence's strike

must have my complete
sympathy and support.

After all, striking for
a better lifestyle

is as American
as apple pie.

-Here's a buck.
-Out of my way, commie.

Hey, what about all your
sympathy and support?

I'm sorry, Florence.
But a friend's a friend,
and a buck's a buck.

And frankly,
my friend's always
been a buck.

Now here's twenty bucks.
I want you to destroy
those picket signs.

And by the way,
there's an old lady
running around here

with a picket sign.
I want you to give her
a swift kick for me.

Oh, I couldn't do that
to an old lady, sir.
Here's five more.

Then again,
I don't discriminate
against age.

George, I'm telling you,
everybody is against you.

Please give Florence
her pension plan.

Louise, as they say
in American, "Uh-uh."

As they say
in Russian, "Nyet."

And as they say
in Spanish,
"No way, Jose."

Well, you give your
store employees benefits.

Pensions,
profit sharing.

That's because
they make the profits
they wanna share.

Florence don't make
nothing but burnt meatloaf.

And if she wants
to share that,
she's welcome to it.

All right, I see
I've let this go too far.

I was really hoping
that you would understand
and do this on your own.

But I should have
known better.

Now, I'm %
of Jefferson Cleaners

and I'm going to
have our attorney

draw up a pension plan
for Florence.

You can't do that.
I'm the boss.

Well, I'll just have to
go over the boss' head.

It'll be a short trip.

I'm also %
of this household.

And I say Florence
gets her pension plan.

You can't set up
no pension plan
without my signature.

Now how hard
can it be to
forge an X?

That's a low blow, Weez.

She's getting
her pension plan.

-And I say she's not gett...
-I say she is.

If it's up to me,
she ain't getting a...
Oh now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

I just decided
the strike is off.

Oh? Well,
get my breakfast.

Oh? Why, Florence?

Well, going on strike
for myself is one thing.

But when it starts
to hurt your marriage,
it ain't worth it.

You know,
I thought you really
cared about me.

I thought I could
appeal to your
sense of decency.

But I see
I was wrong.

So, I guess I'll just
have to find me a job

where they'll provide
for my future.

Florence,
what are you saying?

I'm saying
that I quit.

Stop her, George!

Come on, Weezy,
would you let me
savor the moment?

George!

Florence,
would you come back?

I'm sorry, Mister Jefferson,
but there's nothing
you can say

that'll make me
change my mind.

I ain't got
nothing to say.

I wanna show you something.
I want you to watch.

Now, George,
your impression
of Sammy Davis Jr.

won't work this time.

Well, that's good.
I'm not talking about that.

So, you two think
I'm no good, too, huh?

Worse than Helen's
Teriyaki pork.

Come on in, Willis.

Well, is the strike over?

Look, would you just
come on inside?

I got something
I wanna show you.

Everybody grab
a seat somewhere.

I wasn't supposed
to show you this
for a long time, but...

guess I have no choice.

I made this tape
about six months ago.

And I want you
to know, Florence,

that every word
in this tape comes
from my heart.

By the time you see this,

I'll already be dead.

I'd like to thank all of you
for being here

on this solemn occasion.

Weez, Lionel, Jenny,
Tom, Helen, Florence.

And you too, Mr.
President.

What the heck is this?

I know you're probably saying,
"What the heck is this?"

Well, this is my last will
and testament.

Pretty classy putting it
on videotape, huh, Weez?

Anyway, I know
you're all busted up
over me being dead.

I don't blame you.
I'd miss me, too.

I was a great man.

Willis, put down
those peanuts.

Let's move on to what
you all gathered to hear.

I was born the son
of a sharecropper...

What? It's only
a short tape? Okay.

I d*ed a rich man.

Which was the worst part
of dying.

So, since I couldn't
take it with me,

here's how I'm dividing it up.

I, George Jefferson,
being of sound mind
and body...

I heard that, Florence.

...do hereby leave
the bulk of my estate

to my beloved wife,
Louise.

So that she may live her
remaining years in comfort.

I know you'll be
joining me soon, Weez.

'Cause you just can't
stand to live without me.

In the meantime,
don't do anything stupid.

Like giving our money away,
or becoming a nun.

Don't forget...

I got my eyes
on you from up here.

Or down there.

I just want you
to know, Weez, that...

you gave me more
happiness in my lifetime

than any man could hope for.

You made me rich in joy.

I only hope I did
the same for you.

By the way,

feel free to spend
as much as you want,
on my monument.

To my son, Lionel,
who didn't call me enough

but never mind,
'cause the guilt
should be plenty,

I leave a trust fund
so that he may take care
of his wife Jenny

and my granddaughter Jessica.

You be good to Jessica,
Lionel.

She was the light of my life.

Even if she did
have an accident

on my favorite
Harris Tweed coat.

To my friends,
Tom and Helen Willis,
I leave...

Well, let me put it this way.

Close your eyes.

What do you see?

Nothing?

That's what I'm leaving you.

Just kidding.

Seriously, you two
are good people
and even more important,

you've been good friends.

So I'm leaving an incredibly
generous donation

to the Help Center
in your name.

Well, that about does it.

-I can't think of anyone else.
-Hey, what about me?

Florence, I'll bet
you're saying,
"What about me?"

Well, don't worry.
I left you something.

Anybody out there
got a quarter?

Anyway, Florence,
I don't know
how to say this,

'cause I never had to
say it before, but...

what the hell? I'm dead.

I like you, Florence.

You're family to me.
So, to Florence Johnston,

I leave a trust fund
set up in her name,

so that she'll never have
to worry about money
as long as she lives.

Florence, if you have
reached the age of ,

then you receive
the trust fund.

And if you're not ,
you sure look it.

But, before I go...

But then again,
too few to mention

And saw it through
without exemption

I planned each
chartered course

Each careful step along
the highway

What's he got for himself,
if not...

Oh...

Well, seen enough?

Oh, George,
you're a beautiful man.

Oh, George,
I can choke on this,

but he's absolutely right.

Too true. Too true.

Oh, Mr. Jefferson,
I could just kiss you.

God, that was the nicest,
sweetest, kindest...

Shut up, Florence.

George, why on earth
didn't you show this
to Florence two days ago?

You could have avoided
this whole mess.

Don't you talk to
Mr. Jefferson like that.

This man is a saint.

I worship the ground
he walks on.

See? That's why
I didn't show it to her.

Look, Florence,
when I said I like you,

I mean, I like you
the way you are.

Oh, Mr. Jefferson!

See, that's why
I didn't show it to her.

I knew she was gonna
get all mushy.

I mean, I like you
when you call me names,

because it shows
a sign of affection.

-You do?
-Yeah.

You mean you like it
when I call you
a bald-headed chihuahua?

Yeah.

And when I say
you're a sawed-off runt.

Yeah.

And when I say, "Child,
with your mouth open,

"the firemen could plug
their hose on to it."

Be careful, Florence.
Remember that machine
has an erase button.

Then you sure must
have been using it
on your head.

See, now I feel comfortable.

Oh...
Listen, we need to have
some fun....