09x05 - Charlie's Angels

[bunniefuu]

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

Beans don't burn
on the grill

Took a whole lot
of tryin'

Now we're up
in the big leagues

As long as we live,
it's you and me, baby

There ain't nothin' wrong
with that

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Mmm, George,
I hope you don't mind,

but I thought I'd have
a little snack before lunch.

Willis, you had your head
in that refrigerator
so many times,

the butter is starting
to smell like vitalis.

Well hey,
I like to eat, okay?

If that's a crime,
so be it.

If that was a crime,
you'd be on death row.

Hey, listen,
I'm getting sick of these
unfounded fat jokes.

Oh, is that
the food section?

No, it's the
stock market.

Just like you
clean your plate,

I clean up with
the stock market.
Check this out.

AT&T up one-half,
IBM up seven-eights,

-McDonald's...
-Hey, I eat there.

...up, fifteen and a half.

Wow. You know
I've always wanted

to invest in the
stock market

now I have a little
extra money to invest.

George, what do you
think I could get

for a few
thousand dollars?

Lunch.

Would you please stop
with the fat jokes?

I can't help it, Willis.
I'm on the fat freeway,

I can't find an off ramp.

Ah, come on, George.

You know,
you're pretty successful
in the stock market.

How do you always
know what to buy?

Because I've been
gifted with a sixth sense.

A sixth sense?
What do you mean?

Well, not only do I
have your normal
everyday five senses like,

hearing, smelling, tasting,
four and five.

I also have a sixth sense

which helps me
make investments.

That's amazing.

-What? That I have
a sixth sense?
-No.

That you can't
name the five senses.

You're just jealous, Willis.
Look, I am a man of vision.

See, when I see
a vacant lot,

I think of putting up
high rises,

when you see a
vacant lot you think of
putting up picnic tables.

Well, that does it,
George.

You know, I'd really like
to tell you what I think
about your fat jokes,

but it's not polite to talk
with your mouth full.

George, who was here?

Oh, Tom.

George, I hope
you weren't making
with the fat jokes

at Tom's expense.

Me, making with the fat jokes?
Come on.

If that's Willis,
grease the doorways
and wedge him in.

Oh, hi, Charlie.
Long time no see.

How're you doing,
Mrs. Jefferson?
Long time, no drink.

Oh, I know.

And I'm sorry,
we haven't been
down to your bar lately

but we haven't
forgotten about you.

How's your lovely wife
Georgia?

Uh, Gloria is just fine.
Thank you.

Oh, I'm so embarrassed.
I... I just blanked out.

Oh, come on in...

-Charlie.
-Charlie. Right, right.

Hey, Mr. Jefferson.

Hey, Charlie.
What can I do for you?

Well, sir, you know uh,
when you have a problem,

you always come
into the bar and
share it with me?

Yeah.
Well, I thought I have
this little problem

I'd like to come up
and kinda share it with you.

Oh, don't tell me
you're having problems
with your son Don again.

Uh, that's Diane, sir.

Whoa! You do
have a problem.

Could I get you
a drink, Charlie?

Yes, thank you very much,
Mrs. Jefferson.

I think I'll have
a Singapore Sling.

Oh, I've never made
one of those.

Oh, it's a snap.
You just juice
half a lemon,

add a little powdered
sugar and some gin...

shave some ice,
and mix it

and strain it off
into a Collins glass...

add some ice cubes,
fill it with carb...
non-carbonated water,

then float a half
ounce of wild cherry
brandy on top.

And then just decorate it
with the fruit
of the season.

How about some coffee,
Charlie?

-I'd love some.
-Coming up.

-Have a seat, Charlie.
-Thank you very much, sir.

-So, now, what's
the problem?
-Well, Mr. Jefferson,

I could use
some real good
business advice

and who better to come
to than George Jefferson, huh?

Come on, Charlie,
you re embarrassing me.

Go on.

Let's face it,
you are a financial genius.

Well, look, Charlie.
The word genius
has been overused.

Wizard, maybe.

Well, genius,
wizard, phenomenon.
They all apply to you, sir.

Yeah, I guess
there's no sense
in me complaining,

people are still
gonna use them anyway.

So, anyway,
what kind of advice
did you want?

Well, sir, I was wondering
if you could tell me

what's the best way
to ask you for
a business loan?

In your sleep.

Because you're dreaming.

Thanks for
dropping by, Charlie.

Look, Mr. Jefferson,
I really hate to ask,

this is hard for me to do,

but business has been
so bad at the bar,

I could really
use the money
to decorate the place.

You know, draw in
the customers.

Oh, what'd you
have in mind?

Hey, I got some
great ideas.

I mean,
real heavy stuff.
Get this.

I want to put that blue
stuff in the toilet water. Huh?

I wanna add
a ceiling fan,

and kind of
patch up the
table cloths,

and for my
coup de grace,

I wanna get a radio
for Monday night football.

A radio...

Why don't you spring
for a tape recorder

in case anybody
wants to listen
to an instant replay?

Somehow I sense
you're not too crazy
about my idea.

Well, Charlie,
it's just...

Oh, Mr. Jefferson,
I give up.

I mean,
what am I
supposed to do?

Look, Charlie,
you're right
about one thing.

I mean, your
place does need
some improvements. I mean...

See, you need to set
some kind of a mood,

you know
a little atmosphere,

you know,
like the French
call... ambulance.

Don't you mean
ambiance?

Yeah. I just said it
without the accent.

See, you gotta give
people what they
don't get at home.

-Sex.
-Oh, ho, ho...

Forget about it,
Mr. Jefferson,

but I ain't about
to serve drinks
in my shorts.

No, no, no.

Look, that's not
what I mean.

See, I mean,
hire some sexy
waitresses.

You know with the little
skimpy skirts, even.

And maybe they could
wear wings, you know,

and maybe little halos.

And you call them, uh...

Charlie's Angels.

Yeah.

-Hey, and I could be Charlie.
-Right.

Nah, nah, Mr. Jefferson.

I mean, that'll turn the bar
into something different.

-Something, uh...
-Worth owning?

That's it. Yeah.

Hey, Charlie's Angels, huh?

-Boy, it does have a ring to it.
-Sure it does.

Hey, Mr. Jefferson,
that's a great idea.

-I could make it work.
I know I could.
-I know.

Oh. gosh. Gee,
all I need is a little money.

-Yeah, it wouldn't
take that much.
-Say, about five grand?

Oh, that's more
than enough.

-Could I borrow it from
you, sir?
-Not a chance.

See what I mean.
I'm saving my
money in the bank.

And I'm waiting for
some good investment
to come along.

I mean, not that
yours isn't a good one.

Oh, I understand, sir.
I understand.

Look, I got another idea.

How about
instead of you
loaning me ,

you give me
the money,

and then, you and me,
we're partners in the bar.

Five grand is not enough
for a partnership.

All right,
I'll take , .

Charlie, you're missing
my whole point, right?

See, I have armed
you with an idea.

So, now it is up to you
to go out and find
a sucker...

I mean, a partner

that is willing to come up
with the money.

Yeah, okay, sir.

Look, thanks a lot for
the advice, Mr. Jefferson.
Sure.

I'm gonna
go out and find
myself a sucker...

Oh.

I mean a partner.

Thanks a lot, sir.
I appreciate it. Bye.

Coffee's ready.
I perked it my...

Where's Charlie?

Oh, he left.
He's not feeling
too good.

His business is hurtin'
and he wanted to borrow

some money from me.

You know, Weez,
I feel sorry for Charlie.

He's such a good guy.

Did you give him
the money?

To that loser? Uh-uh.

George...

Charlie is a friend.

I know that, Weez,
but see the bar
business is terrible.

I'd never get
into a business

that depends
on the public's mood.

What about dry cleaning?

No problem there.

See, uh, filth is a constant.

God has been very
good to the dry cleaner.
He provides for us.

In the wintertime,
he gives us slush.

In spring,
he gives us mud.

In summer,
he gives us dust.

Then along comes
fall again,

and we get brand
new clothes to get
filthy all over again.

Yeah. Every time
I think of how good
the Big Guy has been to me,

it brings tears to my eyes.

And, George, I'm sure
whenever the Big Guy
thinks about you,

he gets tears
in his eyes, too.

That's sweet, Weez.
Thank you.

Uh, look, George,

we haven't been down
to Charlie's Bar
for a long while.

Why don't we go down
one night this week,

just for a couple of drinks?
It's the least we can do.

No, it ain't, Weez.
The least we can do
is nothing.

-George...
-Okay, we'll go.

But remember, it's gonna
be lonely down there.

If I wanted to be lonely,
I could stay here with you.

-Charlie.
-What is it, sweetheart?

I was just wondering.

How many cherries
in a martini?

Uh, Trudy, that's olives
in a martini?

Oh, I was putting cherries
in because they're prettier.

Is that okay?

Honey, as long as
they're selling,

you can put
cantaloupes in 'em.

Uh, George.

I thought you said
Charlie wasn't doing
any business.

Hey, Mrs. Jefferson.
Mr. Jefferson.
Pretty busy, huh?

Well, yeah.

-I mean, I'm glad to see
you're doing so well.
-Oh, thank you.

But aren't
your waitresses

dressed a little
too naked?

Yeah!

George, this borders on
exploitation of women,
don't you think?

It's a gold mine, Weez.

-Charlie?
-Yes, ma'am.

Oh, we're friends,

but I just don't
feel comfortable

with what you're
doing here.

How about you, George?

It's a gold mine.

Hi, can I get you
something?

Sorry, sweetie,
but you're barking up
the wrong tree.

Oh. Hi, honey.
Can I get you something?

Uh, this time, dearie,
you're not even
in the right forest.

-Oh, Charlie.
-Yeah.

Your cash register
is overflowing again.

Again? Hmm-mmm.
Problems, problems,
problems.

George, I can't
believe this.

Me neither, Weez.

Where could Charlie
have gotten
an idea like this?

Who cares? I just wanna know who
the genius is that's backing it.

He's gotta be a lot
smarter than me.

Hi, boss.

Trudy.

Willis, if you're
any kind of friend,

you'll tell me
she called you Hoss,
not boss.

No can do, George.

Tom, how can you be
part of a business
that exploits women?

I am disappointed in you.

Oh, I'm sorry, Louise.
I'm sorry you feel that way.

But I can live with it.

I'm sorry,
but I'm just not gonna
stay here and watch.

-I'm disgusted.
-Right, Weez. You go home

and I'll stay here and
be disgusted for the both of us.

George, George,
what do you think
about all this?

This idea of Charlie's
was a stroke of genius.

-Yeah, genius.
-Oh, you know,
and I can't believe it.

My investment
was a measly $ ,
and in just two nights,

I've already got
all my money back.

Oh, but it's not just
a matter of money.

There are fringe
benefits, too.

Um...

All the peanuts
you can eat.

Oh boy, I'm glad
that Charlie

didn't come to you
first with this idea.

Why, with your sixth sense,
you would've jumped on it.

Well then,
where would I be?

I'd be sitting here
feeling jealous of you.

Oh, I'd be fuming.

No, I couldn't have
handled it as graciously
as you are.

Willis, I need
a drink, now.

Sure, George.
Hey, Charlie!

A drink for
my friend here.
On the house.

Right away, partner.

Later, George.
I gotta boogie.

Here you go,
Mr. Jefferson.

I put a couple
extra cherries in
on the house.

God knows
I can afford it.

Charlie, I want in.

Oh, Mr. Jefferson.
The truth of
the matter is,

I don't need
the money anymore.

But, Charlie,
I was gonna give you
the money all along.

-You were?
-Yes!

Gee, I thought
when you said, "No",

you kind of meant "No."

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.

When are you gonna
learn how to read people?

A lot of times
when I say no,
I mean, yes.

Now that that's all cleared up,
we gonna be partners?

No.

Does that mean yes?

No.

Let me rephrase that.

Please.

Look, Mr. Jefferson,

I'd love you
to be my partner,

but I already got one.

That's not a partner.
That's a conglomerate.

-Hey, partner.
-Hey, Mr. Rich Guy.

-Listen, partner,
we got troubles.
-Trouble?

Yeah. Your share
of the profits

is overloadin'
the safe again.

Oh, my goodness.
Well, I guess I'd better go
upstairs again

and put my share
under the mattress.

You know,
it's a good thing
you got a king size.

You got a king size
mattress, huh?

-Yeah.
-Where does
your wife sleep?

Oh, what a kidder.

-So long, partner.
-All right.

Excuse me, George,
but I've got to, uh...

I know, you gotta boogie.

No, samba.

You know, I can't
thank you enough

for this
Charlie's Angels idea.

Let me in.

Ho-ho! What a kidder.

Come on, seriously,
Mr. Jefferson.
What can I do for you?

Let me in.

No can do.

Charlie, look,
I can offer you
more than cash.

With my business
experience,

I could turn this dump
into a success.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay, so you don't
need my money.

I ain't gonna
beg you no more.
Forget it.

Can you change
another hundred?

Please.

Come on, Mr. Jefferson.
Will you cheer up?

You look like you just
lost your best friend.

I did.

Look, Mr. Jefferson,

I'd love to have
you as my partner,

but I already
have Mr. Willis.

Hey, everybody,
let's have a party.

You know, I can't believe
Charlie and Mr. Willis

would stoop so low
just to make some money.

I know. I just called
Helen and asked her
to come down.

Because if she doesn't
know about this,
I've got to tell her.

I don't know,
Miss Jefferson.

I mean butting into other
people's marital affairs

can only lead to trouble.

Your husband is an animal.

Hi, Louise.

Florence, would it be
considered rude

if I asked what that
was all about?

Helen, do you know
that Tom has bought
part of Charlie's Bar?

Yes, I know.
Tom tells me
everything.

Oh? Excuse me.

Did he tell you
that he had women
serving drinks?

Yes, he did.

Did he tell you
they were young?

Yes, he did.

Did he tell you
they were naked?

I'm gonna k*ll him.

Now, Helen,

I'm sure the situation
doesn't call for k*lling.

Does it, Florence?

Why are you asking me?
I told you,

I don't butt into other
people's marital affairs.

Helen, they're not naked.
They wear costumes.

Oh.

That is if you consider
a wash cloth a costume.

I'll k*ll him.

Now, I'm sure
he'll listen to reason.

But if not,

I have a pretty persuasive
skillet you can borrow.

Oh, hi, Louise.

Oh, sweetheart.
I got your message
to come down.

What's going on?

I know your secret.

Helen, if it's about
the snickers in
my sock drawer,

I can explain.

-Not that secret.
-Oh.

I'm talking about those
nearly nude Bimbos

you have working for you
down at Charlie's bar.

Bimbos?

Oh. You mean my angels.

Your angels?

I'll get the skillet.

Now, why don't
you two discuss
this rationally?

Right. Rationally.

You're right, Louise.
Now look, Tom,

I'm not upset
because I'm jealous.

Well, not entirely.
It's just that...

Well, I think
it's very wrong of you
to exploit those women.

Sweetheart, I'm not
exploiting them.

I'm just making
a great deal of money
off of them.

Tom, don't you see?

It's bad on so many levels.

You're treating women
as sex objects.

That's right.

Now, Tom, is that what
you think of women?

Come on, Helen,

I have never
thought of you
as a sex object.

Is that skillet cast iron?

Yep. And it's got
a no slip grip.

Helen, I didn't mean it
the way it sounded...

Tom, I want you
to fire those women.

Even Trudy?

Who's Trudy?

Especially Trudy.

I will not.

I'm afraid this time
I'm gonna have to
put my foot down,

if that's all right
with you, dear.

No. It is not, Tom.

Helen, he's not
going to listen
to reason.

So we're going
to have to do something
about it ourselves.

Let's go.

But, Helen...

You'd better take
some of that money you made

and have the couch
re-upholstered.

Why?

Just consider it redecorating
your bedroom, honey.

Oh...

Oh, Florence,
I'm so depressed.

What do you think
I should do?

I'm sorry, Mr. Willis,
but I don't butt into
other people's marital affairs.

But what am I doing?

Am I doing something
so wrong,

I mean, think
of all the things

I can buy with
the money I'm making.

Oh my...

A new car,
a house in
the country...

My own Weenie
Wonderland franchise.

You can also get
a bad conscience,
eternal damnation,

and a life plagued by
tiny demons.

There's one now.

Willis, look, please,
I'm begging you.

Would you please
let me buy the thing
from you?

Now, listen to me.
Look, I don't wanna...

-Will you buy my share
in Charlie's bar?
-Will you listen to me?

Please, let...

-Say what?
Oh, you want to sell it?
-Yeah.

Okay, okay, look.

I don't want you to start
begging me. Is $ , okay?

Well, after all,
I did put , in.

Okay. .

Well, I...

.

Well, let's see.
, thousand.

That would be tripling
my money in two days.

Is that good, George?

Is it a deal?

Well, I guess so.

I mean, Helen's
really mad at me
about all of this.

Oh. Well, then,
you're making
the right decision.

Nothing's worse
than having your wife
mad at you.

-Yeah. Right.
Okay, it's a deal.
-All right.

Oh, hey, but wait a minute,
if you buy me out,

won't your wife
be mad at you?

Who cares?

Heaven. I'm in...

Trouble...

Hey, Trudy! Yo, Trudy.

Come on out here
and meet your new boss.

New boss?
You bought out
Mr. Willis?

That's right.
Where's Trudy?
Where's the people?

Where's the money?

Gone, sir.
In that order.

What do you mean gone,
what happened?

Well, Mr. Jefferson,
I don't quite know
how to say this, sir.

Carefully. Your life
depends on it.

Yes, sir.

Well, it seems
that your wife
and Mrs. Willis

complained to
Mr. Whittendale.

Well, he came
and told me that
the girls would attract

a bad element
to the building,

and that I was
in violation of my lease.

And he would evict me
if I didn't get rid of
them. I had no choice.

But I saw Whittendale
sitting there yesterday
and having a good time.

I know. The problem is,
so did his wife.

No more Trudy?
No more people?
No more money?

Boy, that Mr. Willis got out
just at the right time.

You know that guy
must have a sixth sense.

To tell you the truth,

I'm kind of glad
it happened.

I mean, sure...
I mean, the bar
was jumping,

and business was good but
look at the place, it's
not really me anymore.

I really feel comfortable
with the way it was.

You're a sick, man, Charlie.

Well, not really, sir.
I mean, I can't complain.

Look, I made
some money,

Mr. Willis made
some money

and the best part of all,
you and me,
we're partners.