09x07 - A Date with Danger

[bunniefuu]

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

Beans don't burn
on the grill

Took a whole lot
of tryin'

Now we're up
in the big leagues

As long as we live,
it's you and me, baby

There ain't nothin' wrong
with that

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Wow! Boy, do I
love pizza! Whoa!

Look at it.

What are you
waiting for,
Weez? Dig in.

I'm not hungry.

And besides,
you know I wanted
to go out tonight.

You did. You were out
when I sent you
to get the pizza.

Oh, by the way, Weez.
When you carry a pizza,

would you carry it
steady and straight?

Because all the cheese
ran over into one corner.

Sorry. That must've happened
when I dodged the cab.

Okay.

George, is this
all we're gonna do tonight?

Just eat a pizza?

Pizza wasn't the only
thing I had planned.

Oh? Really?

Yeah. I was hoping you'd go
out and find some dessert.

You silver-tongued devil!

I try, Weez.

George, what do you say?

After you inhale
the rest of this pizza,

let us go out someplace?

I mean, we never
go out anymore.

What are you talking about?
We went to that dumb party
the Willis' gave last night.

What do you call that?

That was last night.
This is tonight.

Two nights in a row?

Weezy, you're not getting
any younger, remember that.

Oh, George!

We enjoy ourselves
when we go out.

You'll have to admit
you had a good time
at the party last night.

Well, if you call
watching Willis swan dive

into a bowl of Swedish
meatballs having fun. Sure.

Well, at least we had a chance
to meet some new people

and hear some different
conversation for a change.

Weezy, it's always
the same conversation.

Hey, Margo, did I tell you
about the adorable Halston's
I got at Bloomingdale's?

Why no, Buffy. I love
your new hair color.

I've always admired
rhesus monkey red.

Well, it was a lot
more interesting

than that bash you took
me to at the bowling alley.

I mean, who could forget
that brilliant banter!

"Hey, Jefferson, can you
get out a mustard stain?

No problem.

Can you get out
a grass stain?

No problem.

Can you get out your
wallet and pay this check?

Now that's a problem."

That was sickening,
George.

Yeah, the way
you tell it.

Oh, and your
distinguished colleague
Bill Ripkin,

who tells the same
old ridiculous joke
over and over.

"So, what is Irish and stays
out all night?"

"Patty O'Furniture"

Now that's funny, Weez.
Even you can't
mess that one up.

George, Bill Ripkin
is a snooze...

A snooze?
Weezy, the man opens
beer cans with his nose.

And an idiot.

I prefer to meet
people like Joe Blake,

Tom's guest of honor
the other night.

He's a writer, a sensitive
and intelligent man.

What good is sensitive
if you're on a desert island

with a can of beer
and no opener?

I can't believe you
would compare your
foamy nosed friend

with an about-to-be
published novelist.

That guy is a dunce.

You know, I heard him say
the dumbest thing to Florence.

What?

"Will you go out with me?"

And he was looking
right at her.

George, he's gonna
be here any minute.

Now, you be nice
to him for my sake,

for Florence's sake
and for the sake of
every bone in your body.

Okay, Weez,
all I wanna know is

why do you waste your
money on this guy's book?

I didn't pay for it.
It's an advanced copy.

The public won't be able
to buy it until next month.

Now, I feel privileged, see,
because I can throw mine away

before anybody else
can even buy one.

You'd feel differently
if you'd just read it.

It's warm, sensitive,
emotional, and inspiring.

Okay. Put it by the john.
I'll read it in installments.

Florence, are you about ready?

I'm dying to see
what you look like.

FLORENCE: Here I come.
Thanks for the warning.

Well, How do I look?

Oh, Florence.
You look beautiful.

You are really
dressed to k*ll.

Yeah, especially with
your face uncovered.

Excuse me.

Mr. Jefferson, there is no way
I'm gonna stand here and
trade insults with you today.

Especially not with a man
whose head should have
"Brunswick" stamped on it.

Or a man who needs a ladder
to climb up on the sidewalk.

-Or a man who...
-Okay, okay, I get the message.

You don't wanna stand here
and exchange insults.

Just as long as
that's understood.

Oh, Mrs. Jefferson,
I'm so excited.

You know, I can't believe
I'm going out with
a real live author.

I'll get it Florence.

If he sees you first,
it'll spoil his appetite.

Hey, Joe, come on in.

-Hi, there.
-Hey, you remember me
from last night, right?

Oh, yes, how could I forget
"Patty O'Furniture?"

Hey, look, feel free to use
that in your new book.

Hello, Mr. Blake.

I know I told you
this last night,

but I really do
admire your work.

I started
reading your novel,
and I loved it.

I just loved it.

-Now, let's see,
how can I put this...
-Ahem.

Uh, please. Florence,
we're talking here.

Now, your opening passage
was written beautifully.

-Especially...
-Mrs. Jefferson?

Oh, uh, sorry, Florence.

Well, you weren't saying
anything, so I thought
I'd just take up the slack.

Oh, Joe, I guess you'd like
to say hello to your date.

Florence, you...
you look wonderful.

Why, thank you, so do you.

Oh, Weez, get me
the antacid bucket.

Well, our reservation
is for : .

We're gonna eat at
a Chinese restaurant
not too far from here.

Oh, Chinese?
That's perfect
for Florence.

This is the year
of the dragon.

Don't mind him, Joe.
He's just cranky 'cause
he has a sore neck.

Nothing serious, I hope.

No. He got it trying
to look normal-sized
people In the eye.

Well, goodnight.

-Goodnight.
-Goodnight.

Oh!

Hey, Joe, don't do
nothing I wouldn't do.

Oops! Too late,
you touched her.

George, why do you
behave like that?

I guess it's just
charisma, Weez.

Oh, he's bringing
her back already.

I guess the light was on
in the elevator.
Oh, hi, George.

Look, I hope you didn't
come down here to invite
us to another stupid party,

because if you did, the
answer is no, absolutely not.
I'd rather die.

In that case,
what about tonight?

Come on in, Helen, Tom.

Oh, thank you, Louise.

Oh, Louise, I just wanted
to return the necklace
you let me borrow.

Thank you so much.

Oh, you're more
than welcome.

It went beautifully with your
dress. You looked lovely.

Oh, thank you
and so did you.

Oh, and did you see
that adorable Halston

that Joanne picked up
at Bloomingdale's?

Yes. But can you believe
the color she dyed her hair?

Women, do you
believe them, Willis?

No, George.

No way was that a Halston.

But more importantly,
how'd you like the
hors-d'oeuvres last night?

Well, I don't know.
See, you were eating them,

and it's hard to
give an opinion

on something
that disappears
at the speed of light.

Helen, I had a
great time last night.

I enjoyed meeting
Joe Blake.

I thought he was
very charming.

Yes, especially
for an ex-convict.

An ex-convict?

Well, yes, we didn't want
to tell a lot of people.

Joe is trying to make a fresh
start and forget the past.

Oh, Willis, ain't you
afraid having an ex-convict
in your house?

I mean, you're afraid when
the toast pops up too early.

George, there was
no reason to worry.

Joe is completely
rehabilitated now.

Oh.

But...

But what?

But... Well, actually,
I... I hate to say this.

I mean, my mind tells me that
Joe deserves a second chance,

he's paid his debt
to society, but...

BOTH: But what?

But I felt awfully
strange when I walked
into the kitchen...

Why? Was your
bed moved out?

No, not that.
It was that...

When I went in there,
I found Joe alone
with Helen.

It made me feel
kind of uncomfortable.

Well, to tell the truth,
I felt kind of
uncomfortable, too.

But why? Did you think he
was gonna steal something?

Oh, Of course not.
Joe isn't a thief.

He's a m*rder*r.

m*rder*r?

Oh. Oh!

Well, what's the matter?

Florence is out
with him right now.

TOM AND HELLEN:
Oh!

Oh, come on, we are probably
overreacting to this,

aren't we?

Florence couldn't be in
any danger, could she?

Well, I mean, after all,
who did he m*rder?

His girlfriend.

I can't believe it.

Florence is out with
a convicted m*rder*r.

Well, what are
we going to do?

Weezy, will you stop worrying.
Florence can handle herself.

She's a tough woman.
She eats her own cooking,
right?

Now wait a minute.
Let's not panic.

Remember,
Joe has paid his dues,

served his time
and rehabilitated himself.
Tom's right.

The two of them are probably
just having a pleasant meal
together, that's all.

Sure. She's probably sweeping
Joe off his feet right now

with some of her cute
little stories about herself.

She's dead.

Oh, I wish we
could warn her.

But how? We don't even
know where they are.

Wait. Remember, he did say
they were going to
a Chinese restaurant

somewhere in
the neighborhood.

Right, Weez. But there are
only of those around here.

Yes, but George, of those
serve Cantonese food,

four Mandarin, and two Hunan.

That means that

only three out
of the twenty-five
are Szechuan restaurants.

-So?
-So last night at the party,

I observed Joe at the
hors-d'oeuvre table.

He couldn't seem to get
enough of the spicy rumaki.

Well, I mean, I was gonna
ask him for some for myself,

but I was afraid he'd k*ll me.

Tom!

Oh, I'm sorry, Helen.
That was a poor
choice of words.

But anyway, that means
that with his taste
for spicy food,

it's a cinch that
Florence and Joe

are at one of the
three Szechuan
restaurants right now.

I'll get the Yellow Pages.

Uh-uh, no need, Louise.

I have their tiny little
takeout menus in this wallet.

Tom, I'm almost
proud of you.

-See...
-Give me those.

Thank God, we've got
a glutton on our side.

Joe, I just love
Chinese food.

I bet it would taste good
if I could just get it
in my mouth.

Look, you're gonna get
the hang of these chopsticks.

I hope so.

Oh, look at that
beautiful vase.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

That's a fine piece
of work.

You know, it's a reproduction
from the Ming Dynasty.

Hmm. Tell me,

how do you knew so
much about everything?

Let's just say for the
last couple of years,

I've spent a lot
of time alone,

you know, reading.

Me, I could never
find the time.

How do you do it?

Well, Florence, there comes
a time in a man's life

when he's gotta sit down
and say,

"I'm gonna set aside
five to seven years...

...and work on myself."

You're quite a guy.

And you're
quite a woman.

Say, you are beginning
to get the hang
of those chopsticks.

Oh, well, practice,
practice, practice!

Oh, Joe, look at that
beautiful chair.

Yeah, that's very
fine workmanship.

You know, they've got
a lot of nice things here.

It's a good thing
or I'd starve.

Florence, you know, I...

I'd like to tell you
something about myself.

Phone call for
Florence Johnston.

Me?

I mean, again?

It's getting so
I can't go no-place.

Uh, do I just
pick it up and talk?

Well, you could leave
it down and talk,

but the other party
probably wouldn't hear you.

Merci Beaucoup.

Excuse me, Joe.
I'll only be a moment.

-Surely.
-Hello?

Hello, Florence. This is me.
Look, I'm coming right down.

Don't move. Don't run.

The guy you're out
with is a maniac.
He's a k*ller.

He's k*lled before,
and he'll k*ll again.
See ya.

Phone call from
Jacques Cousteau?

Florence, is there
something the matter?

No.

Florence, now that
we're done eating

I'd like to go someplace
and be alone with you.

Who's done? You done?
I ain't.

Waiter, I'd like to
order column B and
make it very well done.

Florence, I think
we've gotta talk.

Talk? Talk? I mean...

Well, I'd love to but...
Oh! Look who's here.

Uncle Ling Chow!

Hi, Uncle Ling,
how are you?

No, no, you won't be
in the way at all.
Come join us.

Now, Joe, I'd like for you to
meet Uncle Ling Chow Johnston.

And Uncle Ling,

this is Joe Blake.

He's your uncle?

He's one of the
eastern Johnstons.

Aunt Vernetta?
Oh, she's fine.

Little gall bladder trouble,
but she's fit as a fiddle.

Oh, these prices!
Tell me about it, child.

Hey, did you see
an ugly woman coming
in here with a k*ller?

No, sir. We ended
that promotion last week.

"Bring in an ugly woman,
k*ller eat free."

What are you, a wise guy?

Oh, no, sir.
Old Chinese proverb

"A wise maitre d' never
insults a paying customer."

-You here to eat?
-Are you crazy?

Well, then, b*at it.

Your head is blinding
my customers.

Just for that, I may
never eat in this joint.

Oh, no. First we lose the
Little League World Series
and now this.

-Oh, there she is. Florence?
-Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Jefferson...

Oh, my God, Weez.
Look what he did to her.

George, that's the way
she always looks.

Oh, my God.

Oh, nice seeing you,
too, Uncle Ling.

And listen, tell Cousin Wong
I said hello.

Oh, Mr. Jefferson, am I glad to
see you. Oh, what am I saying?

Oh, Mrs. Jefferson,
am I glad to see you.

Okay, buster,
your game's up.

If anybody's gonna k*ll
my maid Florence,
it's gonna be me.

-Thanks, Mr. Jefferson.
-Well...

Yeah, we know all about you.
You like to k*ll women.

So you couldn't find a woman
tonight, so you figured you'd
pick on poor Florence.

Now, look, I've been
trying to tell Florence
something all night.

Look, I don't even
want to hear it.

Well, you're gonna hear it.

Okay.

How's the food?

Mrs. Jefferson, you seem to
be the intelligent one here.
I wonder if I could...

Oh, Please,
don't k*ll me.

What's the use?

I'm just trying to explain...

You know, people hear
you've been in prison,

but they don't want
to hear why.

Oh, Mr. Blake, wait.

I want to hear what
you wanted to say.

Weezy, what are you
doing? He was leaving.

Look, if we wind up dead,
I'm blaming you.

Mr. Blake, I want
to hear your story.

So tell us. Uh, why
did you rub out your...

Uh, I mean... What
caused the disagreement?

Are you sure you want
to know what happened?

Yeah, but don't feel that
you need to demonstrate.

The woman I k*lled I was
very much in love with.

She was a beautiful lady,

and in many ways,

she reminds me of Florence.

Oh. I mean, Oh!

She was my fiancee.

While we were engaged,
I took on working two jobs

so that I can make
a down payment
on a house.

She wanted a house
very much.

And on the day
that I'd saved enough,

I quit my nighttime job
at the gas station,

brought a bottle of
champagne home to celebrate.

Sounds justifiable to me.
Let's go, Weez.

Wait a minute.

Anyway, I walk
into the living room.
Nobody there.

I walk into the bedroom, and
they're hiding in the closet,

my woman and another man.

I flipped out.

I never thought she'd do
a thing like that to me.

So I grabbed her
and slapped her.

I know I shouldn't
have, but I did.

She fell to the floor,

hit her head
against the bedpost,

and that did it.

I couldn't believe it.
I still can't.

But that's what happened.

And I...

I just went crazy.

Well, we all have
our bad days.

Uh, once, when George
came home late from work,
I broke a plate.

So, I kind of know
where you're coming from.

Yeah. Well, thanks.

Florence, I know I should've
told all of this to you
much earlier and I tried to,

but it's so hard
to talk about.

I kind of wanted you
to judge me for what I am.

Not for something I did once
and have regretted ever since.

Well, I can
appreciate that, Joe, but...

Well, how's a person
supposed to know
that you won't, won't...

Go crazy again.

The important thing is
I know that I won't.

And, Florence, if you
have any questions

then you shouldn't
see me again.

Well, thank you.

Thanks for a
terrific evening.

And if I scared you,
I'm sorry.

So long.

Joe, wait...

Look, I'm sorry we judged you
without knowing all the facts.

We? Uh-uh, look,
my mind is wide open.

There was never
nothing in there.

Well, at least you've made
your peace with it.

Thank you for
understanding.

Listen, Joe,

there are times when a person
deserves a second chance.

So if you'll give me one,
I'd love to sit down and
have dessert with you.

Why, Florence, thank you.

I'd be honored.

George, shouldn't we go?

Say, look, Joe. Just to show you
there ain't no hard feelings,

I'm gonna pick up your check.

-Thank you.
-Check, please.

Oh. yeah, yeah, yes sir.
Whatever you say, sir.

-Your checks, sir.
-Thank you.

Say, wait a minute.
Two checks?

-Chinese gentleman
that was sitting there...
-Yeah?

You just agreed
to pay his check.

No way!