09x15 - Mr. Wonderful

[bunniefuu]

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

Beans don't burn
on the grill

Took a whole lot
of tryin'

Now we're up
in the big leagues

As long as we live,
it's you and me, baby

There ain't nothin' wrong
with that

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

I don't understand what
could be keeping George.

The opera starts in an hour,
and he hasn't even called.

I hope he gets good seats.

The ones he got us last
time were so far back,

we were practically in
the refreshment stand.

Oh, darn, I meant to
thank George for that.

Anyway, not to worry.
Even if we do have to
sit far back tonight,

I'm bringing something
along that will make the evening
very enjoyable for all of us.

What? NoDoz?

Good thought. But no,
I bought each one of us
a pair of opera glasses.

Oh.

Oh, Tom, you're
so thoughtful.

-Oh.
-Oh, Tom's always
been thoughtful.

I remember once, when
we were first married,

I admired a beautiful
fox fur at Saks.

Of course, we couldn't
afford it then.

But a year later, after
his first promotion...

-Tom had it delivered.
-Oh.

Oh, it's a little like George.

One day I saw a
leather coat I liked,

and the next day
he gave me a hunting Kn*fe
and a tanning kit.

Hey, what's up?

What's everybody all
dressed up for?

Oh, very funny, George.
Where are the tickets?

What tickets?
What's going on?

I'll give you a hint.

-You wanna know why
everybody's dressed up?
-Yeah.

If you ain't got no tickets,
it's to go to your funeral.

George, where are the
tickets for the opera that
you were supposed to pick up?

I'll call the box office
and see if we can still
get some tickets.

Don't be looking at me,
Weezy, you the one that
messed up.

It's your fault.
My fault?

I must've reminded you
times to pick up
those tickets!

Well, that's what I'm talking
about. Instead of nagging me
every five minutes,

you should've lumped all
of that time together and went
and got the tickets yourself.

Well, I just asked the box
office about our chances of
getting in tonight.

-What did they say?
-They're sold out.

Oh, thank God for that.
Now I'm off the hook.

Wait a minute, everybody,
now that we're all dressed up,

why don't we go out and
have a nice dinner?
And it'll be my treat.

See that, Weez?
You're getting a free
dinner out of this.

Ain't you glad you
messed up now?

Okay, so I forgot!
I blew it! Okay?

Now, can I
say something
on my behalf?

-What?
-Who cares?

George, why aren't
you more thoughtful?

Why aren't you more like
Tom?

Weezy, my skin can
only stretch so far.

You know, Mr. Jefferson,
you're always making
fun of Mr. Willis,

and he don't never say
nothing bad about you.

Though I bet he's tempted to.

Well, that's right!
For instance, um, uh...

Florence, what are
some of the things
I'd be tempted to say?

-Well, you could...
Excuse me.
-Hmm.

No wonder you don't
like opera. It goes
over your head...

But then again, what doesn't?

Oh, was I ever
tempted to say that.

But I didn't.

And when you forgot the
tickets, he could've said,

"Why didn't you
find a scalper?

Oops. I see you did."

Oh, I was dying
to say that.

But I didn't.

Or he could have talked
about your big mouth.

Go, go. I love it!

He could have said,
"When you yawn,

I'm surprised cars
don't pull up and
order a Jumbo Jack."

But I didn't.

And I appreciate it, child,
'cause that's what I live for.

Excuse me.

Now, look, I have been
as gracious as I can be!
I've said I'm sorry!

I said who cares?
What do you want
from me, blood?

Now, you call that gracious?

You know what I'd do
if you were my husband?

Yeah. You'd be able to
roll over in your bed.

Mmm-hmm, but I'd have
no reason to want to.

Ugh.

George.

Don't you see you have
ruined our whole evening?

Why is it you constantly
do thoughtless things?

Like Wednesday.

It was Florence's day off.

I asked you to pick up
some dinner.

-You forgot.
-No, I didn't!

Well, I didn't get any!

You were hungry, too?

We should have asked
Tom to get our tickets.

Oh, I would've been glad to,
but I was busy picking up
Louise's cleaning.

Okay, I'm the bad guy
for a change and
he's Mr. Wonderful.

But, George, you have to
admit that Tom is thoughtful.

You could learn a
few things from him.

Oh, I'd be glad to
teach you, George.

It'd be the thoughtful
thing to do.

You actually think that
you're more thoughtful than me?

Well, only in every
aspect of our lives.

That's on a bad day.

So he never messes up,
huh?

Well, when he does,
it's never anything serious.

Okay. How 'bout the time
we were down at Charlie's
Bar till a.m.,

and you were supposed
to have been home at : ?

He called me every
ten minutes.

It was the thoughtful
thing to do.

Oh, yeah? How about the
time your wife asked you

to buy her a watch for her
birthday, and you forgot?

He bought me a mink
instead.

Well, yes, Helen
already had a watch

and, uh, I felt that with
fall approaching, it would
be the thought...

The thoughtful
thing to do! Okay.

Okay, he's perfect.
He's America's most
thoughtful husband!

He calls his wife!
He picks up the laundry!
He buys his wife a mink coat!

He buys his cousin
life insurance!
He buys us dinner!

What? What cousin, Tom?

-Well, uh, you, you see...
-Oh!

It's not the thoughtful
thing to do to forget
your cousin's name.

It was Meg, wasn't it?

Meg!

Your cousin Meg?
The one who hates me?

And has cursed our marriage
every day of her life?

That's the one, dear.

I got a hunch he did
something wrong, Weez.

After all she's said and
done to me, you bought her a
life insurance policy?

I did not buy her a
life insurance policy!

I bought one for myself...

and, uh, um, um, sort of
made her the beneficiary.

GEORGE: Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Which means she sort
of gets the money.

Sort of.

Mmm. Now I'm sure he
did something wrong.

Sweetheart, you've got
to understand that she's
lonely, she's unmarried,

she's very unhappy.
She is bitter,
she's vicious,

and worst of all,
she's a r*cist.

My instincts were right.

Right here is
where he blew it.

Helen, you have to
take into account

that Meg and I were
brought up together.

I mean, we were
very close at one time.

I understand all that,
Tom. But you know how
I feel about her!

Yet you took our money
to buy her a policy
without even telling me!

Well, sweetheart, I didn't
want you to be upset.

So I thought the
thoughtful...

Oh, can the thoughtful
trash, Tom.

Uh, George, don't you
think we should leave
Tom and Helen alone?

Weezy, if they're gonna
fight, the thoughtful
thing is to watch.

Well, now that it's out
in the open, I guess there's
no harm in telling you

that the insurance policy
is worth a $ , ,
I bought it a long time ago.

Now, let's eat.
What do you say, everybody?

French or Italian?
Okay, since you're buying...

Just wait one minute!
The only thing that's keeping
me from strangling you,

Tom Willis, is that your cousin
would get the $ , !

Uh, Helen, don't you think you
might be overreacting to this?

Stay out of this, Louise.

I guess you don't.

Tom, your cousin Meg
refused to come to our wedding.

And she never so much as sent
our children a birthday card.

Oh, yes, there was that
wonderful present she
sent me last Christmas.

An ID bracelet,
engraved "Gold Digger."

Hold it.
Maybe I could help out.

-Uh, George, please!
-Trust me, Weez.

Now, look, there are two
ways to look at this.
The negative way is to say

that the Gold Digger ID
bracelet was mean and vicious.

Now, the positive
way is to say,

"Hey, now here's a r*cist
with a sense of humor."

Thank you.

By the way, how did he
find out about this
and I didn't?

Well, maybe because
he doesn't make me
pay for the information

-the way you do now.
-Oh, really?

Uh, now, now, let's calm
down and look at this
problem rationally.

Helen, why don't we go
upstairs and discuss
this privately?

There's something I'd
like to say to you there.

No. I'll go upstairs.
And you can say it here.

You seem to be so much
more comfortable doing
things behind my back!

Oh, don't you think you're
driving this into the ground?

Look, I did it.
I'm not gonna change it.
Let's forget about it.

-It's in the past!
-So is my trust in you.

Oh, well then, maybe I
shouldn't come home tonight.

Maybe you shouldn't
come home ever.

Thank God I forgot
those tickets.

You two would've been
fighting all night!

Hey, Weez, sorry I'm late.

One of Cunningham's
cleaning stores b*rned.

Why did that make you late?

Well, I had to stop by at
church and give thanks.

George, do you know what
Tom Willis slept on last night?

No, but I'm sure
whatever it is,
it's unrecognizable by now.

He slept on a hotel bed!

George, our best friends'
marriage is on the rocks.

Oh, come on, Weezy,
it ain't that bad.

They've had fights before.

Then Willis
gives Helen flowers,

she gives him
a tub of Rocky Road,
and everything's cool.

Look, Weez, as disgusting
as it sounds, they're the
perfect couple.

Not today.

Tom called Helen this
morning

and he told her he was
staying at the Mayflower Hotel.

Well, at least
they're talking.

He called so she'd know
where to forward his mail.

You mean it's that bad?

That's what I'm
trying to tell you!

And I think you owe
him an apology

for letting this secret
slip out in the first place.

No, it's his fault!
He should have never let it
slip out to somebody like me!

He should have known better!

Well, I still think
you owe him an apology.

So go see him.

And maybe he'll come home
and settle things with Helen.

Yeah. Don't say nothing
about it, but I have been
worried about him.

I mean, the only way he's
gonna get out of this mess

is if somebody caring,
diplomatic, and
understanding steps in.

-You're right. I'd better go.
-No, no, no, no!

I'm the one that accidentally
caused the whole thing.

It's my fault that he's
staying in a hotel room.

It's my fault that his
wife will never ever
speak to him again.

-But you gotta admit
one thing, Weez.
-What's that?

Me going down there
is damn thoughtful.

Oh, it's you.
What do you want?

Well, I just came by
to see how you were doing.

I wanted to buy you
something, but all the
stores were closed.

Luckily, I found a
newspaper down in the lobby.

And, here.

" cents off on a
Phillips screwdriver."

It's a coupon.

Do you think that after all
the damage you've done,

you can walk in here with a
coupon and try to win me over?

Well, it's good through July.

Come on in.

Well, still mad
at me, big buddy?

Well, you've all but
ruined my marriage.

But, Willis, I'm telling you
I didn't know.

I figured Helen already
knew about the insurance policy.

Oh, that's okay, George.

It's just that I guess
what made me so mad at you
at the time was that,

well, when I first told you
about that insurance policy,

I remember I said,
"George, don't tell Helen
about this,

because if she finds out,
it will be the
end of our marriage!"

But when I look back
on that moment, perhaps
I was a little vague.

So now, why don't you just
go home and forget this?

Well, why should I?
I've done nothing wrong.

Besides, you're assuming
that I miss Helen.

Willis, I stayed in
this hotel before.

These pictures
weren't in my room.

Well, hey, by some strange
coincidence, they put me in
the Helen Willis suite, okay?

-You really miss her,
don't you?
-I certainly do not.

Well look, I brought
myself plenty of work
to keep me busy.

Oh, I'm having a high old time
over here all by myself.

Oh, I don't miss Helen
at all.

Oh, God, let that be her.

-Darling!
-Hi, sweetheart.

Room service.

There we go...

Uh, excuse me, I'm looking
for the Willis party.

He's it.

-Sign here, please.
-Sure, here.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, let me get this
straight.

All of this, and this,
and that is your dinner?

Uh-huh.

Do me a favor, would you?
Stand right here.

Put your hand right on there.

-Ow!
-That's hot! I'm sorry.

Okay, just say, "Rumaki!"

Uh, rumak... Well...

Great. You see, this is
for the guys in the kitchen.

People like you give them
a real sense of purpose.

Enjoy!

Really!

Oh, well, look, George,
thanks for coming over,
but I'm getting along fine.

Just fine. I don't
miss Helen a bit.

Ha! Not a bit!

Oh boy...

You know, I ordered
all this food and...

now I'm not even hungry.

Say that again?

Now I'm not hungry.

You're not hungry?
Now I know something's wrong.

Look, Willis, why don't
you go back home and bring
everything back to normal?

Listen, George,
I just can't apologize.

I mean, all I did was
try to take care of a
member of my family

and if Helen can't accept that,
well, well, then,
she can't accept me.

But you got a great marriage.
What are you,
trying to ruin it?

Oh, I'm not trying to ruin
anything. It's just that
in our relationship,

well, I'm always
the one who ends up
apologizing.

Well, this time,
its her turn.

I mean, I love Helen,
but she has to understand
something about me.

I mean, if I respond
to my cousin's hatred
with more hatred,

then I'm every bit as
wrong as she is.

Yeah, you're right.
What am I doing
talking to you?

She's the one I
should be talking to.
Hang in there, old buddy.

But, wait a minute, George.
Why are you so interested
in all of this?

-Never mind.
-No, no, I'd really
like to know.

Why do you wanna see
Helen and me get back
together again?

Well, because you're my...

Well... Okay.

Because you're my...

Shh!

Friend.

Can you believe it, Louise?
Tom hasn't even called.

He hasn't made the slightest
move to apologize.

Oh, come on, Helen.

Some day you two will
look back on this and laugh...

Or not.

Hey, Weez.

Hi, Helen.
HELEN: Hi.

Look, I'm sorry about what
I let slip last night.

Oh, it's not your fault.

I'm better off knowing
that my husband keeps
secrets from me.

He misses you, you know.

Oh, really? Then why
hasn't he called?

Well, because it's my fault,
I forgot to give
him your number.

I'm sorry.

I know that you two are
doing your best to get
us back together again,

but that can't happen
until Tom comes to me
and apologizes.

Well, I went over to
his hotel and tried to
get him to come back.

Aw, George, you didn't
have to do that. But I
appreciate your effort.

I must say, you're
being pretty considerate.

Well, you know, I'm not
the kind of guy that goes around
bragging about himself.

But if the truth be known,
I am the nicest guy I ever met.

George Jefferson,

you are such a, a, uh...

A George Jefferson!

Low blow, Weez.

No, Louise, you can't
fault George in this.
He really tried.

-Look, Helen,
I wanna say something.
-Uh, George...

When you said
something before,

Tom wound up
sleeping across town.

We'd kind of like to
keep him in the state.

Weez, this is important.
Why don't you go
make some coffee?

I wanna talk to
Helen man-to-man.

Helen?

Okay, but no matter
what he says, I hope
we can still be friends.

Now listen, George,
if you're gonna tell me
that Tom is right,

and I'm wrong, forget it.
Because I disagree completely.

-It doesn't matter who's right
or who's wrong.
-Oh, really?

Right. Look,
you're sitting here,

your husband is sitting
over in some hotel room.
That's what's wrong.

Look, George, now look,
we have both met people
like his cousin Meg.

She hates me.

And I don't have to
tell you what it's
like to be hated.

Heh!

Well, anyhow, I hate
supporting a woman who,
who Tom knows hates me.

But you ain't married
to that woman,
you're married to Tom.

See, that's what happened.
The whole thing started
because I was jealous of him.

-You were?
-Yeah.

'Cause everybody was
talking about how great he was.

What a thoughtful husband
he was. So I got mad.

-But why?
-Because it's the truth.

Now listen, George...
No, no, you listen.

Look, the man is over
in a hotel right now.

He's lonely,
he's depressed, he's sad.

And he's got the place
plastered with every
picture of you ever taken.

-Every one?
-Every one.

Oh, not the one in
that ugly red dress!

Oh, you mean the one
where you had your arm
around Tom's neck,

and you were leaning up
against the wall in front
of the Starlight Casino?

-That's the one.
-He had every one up
but that one.

George, I know that
you're trying to make
Tom seem like a nice guy.

"Trying to make him
seem like a nice guy?"
He is a nice guy!

Okay, take for instance,
the opera glasses.

I never would've
thought of that.

If Weezy had told me she
couldn't see, I would have
told her to stand up.

But see, that's the way he is.
He thinks about everybody.

That's his problem.
He cares more about everybody
else than he does for himself.

Well, you know, I'm surprised
to hear you say that.

The way you're always sort
of slamming him, and making
snide remarks about his...

his girth.

Yeah, well, I know I do that.
But see, that's another point.

I mean, he has to be one
heck of a friend to take
all of that stuff from me.

And let's face it, huh.
It ain't easy being my friend.

You can say that again.

It ain't so easy being
your husband either.

-Now, wait a minute, George.
-No, hold it, look, okay?

Remember way back
when we all first got married?

It wasn't too cool for a
white man to be married
to a black woman?

I know, but do you think
it was easy for me to marry Tom?

That's exactly
what I'm talking about.

But you stuck together,
both of you.

Don't you know you have a
very special marriage?
In fact, extra special!

But, George, look, he is
using our money to help Meg.

A woman who'd like
nothing more than to see
our marriage break up.

And if your marriage does
break up, ain't nobody
gonna be happy but Meg.

Oh, wait a minute.
You know something...

Yeah, I know!
You gonna say I'm right.

-Well, I...
-Say it! I know. I'm right.

-You are right, George.
-Thank you.

I thank you.

There you go.

Well, I'm glad that's over.

It was getting pretty
painful crouching at the door.

But I have to tell you,
what you just said
was beautiful.

Yeah, I know, Weezy.
I almost made myself cry.

Well, if you two will
excuse me, I'm gonna
run over to Tom's hotel.

Great. Look, he's in
room . Give him this.

" cents off on
a ball-peen hammer?"

Just tell him it's good
through July, and you
got a friend for life.

I'll say it again,
you were wonderful.

Thank you, Weez.

And I also want to say
I was wrong when I
called you thoughtless.

You are the most
thoughtful, considerate,

the most wonderful husband
in the whole world.

Hold that thought, Weez.
Hello, Cunningham?

Hey,
George Jefferson here.

I got a little riddle for you.
Okay? You ready?

What's black, smells
like smoke, and is great
for my business?

You give up?

Your Bronx store!
Ha ha ha!