09x19 - Mr. Clean

[bunniefuu]

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

Beans don't burn
on the grill

Took a whole lot
of tryin'

Now we're up
in the big leagues

As long as we live
it's you and me, baby

There ain't nothin' wrong
with that

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Listen, boss, I really wanna
thank you for finally inviting
me to one of these games.

It's a real honor.

Hey, no problem, Ed.
You're my most loyal employee.

And you're a lot of fun, too.

Besides, the guy
that cleans up
couldn't make it.

Hey, come on.
Are we gonna play cards
or are we gonna play cards?

Hey! Okay, let me see.

I call you, Ralph.

I got two pairs.
Queens over nines.

-Three little deuces, sir.
-Again? Boy!

Beginner's luck.

Cheer up, George.

You know what they say.
Unlucky at cards,
lucky at love.

Oh, that's just silly
superstition, ain't it?

Oh, yeah?
Hey, Ed, how many
chips you got?

-Five.
-How many kids you got?

-Nine.
-You figure it out.

Go ahead, Ralph, your deal.

Okay.
You'll have to bear
with me gentlemen.

I'm still pretty new
at all this.

GEORGE: Oh.

RALPH: Oops.

Now, how many cards
to each man?

Just deal the cards, Ralph.

Just a minute, fellas.
I've, I've just got
to say this.

I mean, this is what
life's all about, isn't it?

I mean, a night out
on the town with the guys.

I mean drinking, carousing,
wagering on the turn
of the cards.

Life in the fast lane!
I love it!

Okay.
I'll bet a nickel.

Too rich for my blood.

Hey, but, by golly, you know
there's a beauty
about sitting out a hand, too.

It's democratic.

I mean, you don't have
to play if you don't want to.

I mean, if I were playing
poker in Russia...

This game in New York
would move along
a lot faster.

Well...

Okay, the bet's a nickel.

Who's in?

All right,
what you got, Ed?

Ace high, boss,
that's it.

Good game, Ed.
You'll be back.

Okay, Ralph.
Can you b*at three
of a kind? Huh.

All I've got is two pairs, sir.

These red kings.

And these black kings.

Hey, anybody wanna bet me
I can't catch a peanut
in my mouth?

I wouldn't bet you
couldn't catch an elephant
in your mouth, Willis.

Ed, your deal.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Let me get this, sir.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
you ain't got to pick that up.
You ain't working now.

Gee, my wife would k*ll me
if I left a mess like this.

Well, see,
that's the difference
between you and me.

You fear your wife,
I rule mine.

Mine can't do enough for me.
Watch this.

Hey, Weezy, why don't you
come on out here and make us
some sandwiches?

LOUISE: No!

See? Ain't she sweet?
I told you.

And she's gonna clean
this mess up for you?

No, she ain't gonna do it.
We got a maid for that.

But ain't your maid
gonna be mad?

Look, Ed. Ain't there
nobody in this world
that you're not afraid of?

Sure. My mother-in-law.

Then why don't you treat
the rest of the world
like you treat her?

'Cause the rest
of the world
ain't dead like her.

See, look, Ed, you've gotta
learn to live a little, man.

You gotta enjoy life.

Here you are all uptight
over some old
spilled popcorn.

sh**t. Loosen up.
Throw some popcorn.

-No, I just can't. I just can't.
-Oh, sure, just like this.

Yeah, right. Hey, hey.
There you go.

See, ain't nobody
yelling at him. Ain't nobody
trying to hurt him.

Go ahead,
throw come popcorn.

Well, okay.
Go ahead.

Enjoy yourself!

Hey!

Where were you born,
in a zoo?

-But ma'am, they said that...
-Wait a minute. You ain't
gotta explain nothin' to her.

Look, if my friends wanna
come over here
and have a good time

and blow off a little steam,
what you gonna do about it?

Ms. Jefferson!

See you, Mr. Jefferson,
Mr. Willis, Ralph.
Nice meeting you.

Well, since
the game's breaking up,
I might as well mosey on home.

Whoa!

Wow, I think I had one too many.

Allow me, Mr. Willis.

Even though your apartment's
not in the same direction
of where I'm headed,

I'd be only too happy
to see you home safely.

Well, thank you, Ralphie.

Here, let me give you
a little something
for your trouble.

You're in no condition, sir.

tip myself for you.

Very generous, sir.

ALL: Whoa.

Air pocket.

Hey, wait a minute, Ralph.
Ain't you the bank?

Yes, sir!
When do I cash in my chips?

Sir, you're healthy
as a horse.
You'll live forever.

Goodnight, Florence.

-Wait a minute!
-What's up?

You just can't say good night
and leave a mess like this.

-What mess?
-This mess.

The mess on the floor.

The mess on the table.

And what are those two pieces
of pizza doing up
on the ceiling?

That was a bet.
Good night.

Is that all you're gonna say?

Well... Oh, wow, yeah.
Thanks for reminding me.

Look, I'm expecting
a client early in the morning.
So I want this place spotless.

Mr. Jefferson, I just finished
three hours of choir practice
and I'm tired.

-Oh. Did you sing a solo?
-Yeah.

Then the Lord's the one
who should be tired.

Oh, hi, George.

Hey, Weezy.

How did your meeting go
this morning?

Come on, Weez, you know me.
How do you think it went?

Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

But there'll be
other clients.

Now you know
better than that.

I used the same strategy
I use on everybody else.

The same strategy
I use on you.

Oh, you begged.

Cute, Weez.

Hey, Florence,
bring me some ketchup!

Good, right here.

Okay, that's...
Hey! Crazy!

Uh, George,
I think she might
be tired.

Tired?
I'm the one who was up
all night playing poker.

I'm the one who had
to have that meeting
early this morning.

Yeah, but I'm the one
who spent
half the night cleaning

pepperoni out
of the air vents.

How did pepperoni
get in the air vents?

It was a bet, Weez.

I know you don't want me
to get that.

Oh, I forgot,
you're too tired.

Go ahead, Weez.

Thanks, George.

I know you've had
a tough day.

You may have
a tougher night.

Oh, what a...

What a hangover.

My skull is pounding.

And mine, too.

You should have
heard him last night, Louise.

Singing "I Love the Nightlife,
I want to boogie."

You must have had
quite a lively evening.

Not really.
After the second verse,

Mr. Nightlife here
passed out belly-up
in the bathtub.

Oh, Tom, is there anything
I can get you?

Well, you know, Louise,
they say in a case like this

that the little hair
of the dog that bit you, uh...

Any of last night's
pizza left?

Why don't you check
the light fixtures?

Hey, Willis.
Some night last night,
huh, ole buddy?

I'll say, ole buddy.
But boy,
am I paying for it now.

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry
you don't feel well, Tom.

But I hope you'll have
a nice day at work today.

Oh, I've decided
I'm not even going in today.

Maybe I'll go in
tomorrow if I feel better.

Yeah, me, too.

Huh.

-What are you "Huh"ing about?
-Nothing.

I was just thinking
about how soft you all have it

go to work when you want to,
stay home when you want to.

I sure wish I had
an easy job like that.

So you think it's easy
being an executive, huh?

A hard working,
top notch, intelligent
decision maker.

I didn't say I wanted
to do all that. I said
I wanted do what you do.

Oh. So you think
it's so easy, huh?

Okay, see if you can
cr*ck this one.

You ordered wire
coat hangers from the factory,
and they send you .

What do you do about it?

Well...

You order a hundred more.

Oh, I must have told you
this story before.

Look, before we get lost
in the wide world
of wire hangers,

Tom, why don't you do
what I brought you down
here to do?

Oh, yes, well, uh...

As Helen
so delicately put it, uh,

I did have a slight
fainting spell
in the bathtub last night,

but only briefly.

Evidently, I was a little
too exuberant down here
last night.

And, well, I made a big mess,
and I walked out
and left you to clean it up.

So I felt badly about that
and I went to Helen to ask her
what she thought I should do.

Went to me?

I went to take a shower
and I stepped on him.

Thank you, angel.
We don't need all the details.

Anyway, Florence, I...
I'm very, very sorry.

Please forgive me.

Okay.

You're a peach.
Let's go, Helen.

You should've
seen him, Louise.

All pink and wrinkled.

Sweetheart, we don't need
all these details.

-I'll tell you some more
about it later.
-No later. No later.

Well, don't you have something
you want to say to Florence?

No, I ain't never
been pink and wrinkled.

No. I meant
don't you also want
to apologize to her?

For what?
That's what we pay her for.

Look, anybody with two hands
and a nose for dirt

could do a maid's job.

Now wait a minute.

-I used to be a maid.
-Look, see?

Uh, that's okay,
Mr. Jefferson.

I'm too tired to argue.

Your job is impossible
and mine's a breeze.
Okay?

-Now can I have
the afternoon off?
-Sure, Florence.

See? That's what
I'm talking about.

Now, if you had
yourself organized,

you could do all your work
in three hours
and take every afternoon off.

George, you really
don't know
what you're talking about.

Of course, that's never
stopped you before.

But what Florence
has to do
is an all-day job.

Weezy, I could do
in three hours
what takes her all day to do.

I'd sure like
to see you try it.

Oh, I just
might do that.

Okay, I'll tell you what.
If I can't do in three hours,
what takes you all day to do,

I will give you
a week's vacation with pay.

A week?
You got it.

Oh, okay,
what do I get out of it?

How about breakfast
in bed for a month?

-Huh, deal.
-Deal.

Hey!

Hah!

Okay.

Oh, uh, we're on the way
to the matinee.

Somehow I think it would be
much more fun to watch you
trying to do my job.

You just be ready
to fix me breakfast
every morning for a month.

And it better be good, too.

Weez, you might have to get up
early every morning
to do the cooking.

I wouldn't get
too cocky, George.

I think you're going
to find out
that Florence's job

isn't as easy
as you think it is.

It couldn't be,
or they wouldn't call it work.

Anyway, I have
all the confidence
in the world in you, George.

Thank you, Weez.

And now, the number
for the rescue squad
is here on the desk.

That's thoughtful,
but unnecessary.

Okay, Florence,
let's synchronize our watches.

Oh, right.

-It is now o'clock.
-Check.

That means you have
three hours to do
everything on that list

-from the time
I close this door.
-Check.

Oh, uh, when you get ready
to scrub the kitchen sink,

the stepladder's
in the broom closet.

Check.

I'll give you a check,
all right. A body check
down the elevator shaft.

She thinks I can't do this
by myself, man, wait a minute.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, Willis.
Get down here right away.

Just come on down.

Okay, now, what death defying
feat should I try
to conquer first?

Vacuum rug.
Wow! What a challenge!

Okay. Now.

Change vacuum
cleaner bag. Oh. Okay.

Oh, man!

-Oh, what's so urgent, George?
-Hey, you doing
anything right now?

Well, nothing.
I just finished cleaning
our apartment.

Why didn't you call me?
I would've helped you!

That's what friends are for.

Oh, why, I'm sorry.
I had no idea
you wanted to help.

Well, I'll tell you what.
You can make it up to me.
Help me clean up down here.

Of course, why, I'd be glad to.

Well, that's what
friends are for.

-Now, where do I start?
-Right here.

-Oh, okay.
-No, no, not that.

Well, there's
your problem right there.
There's no bag.

Thanks a lot, Willis.
You're invaluable.

Well, I am.
I know a lot
about housecleaning.

Uh, for instance, uh,
do you have any rye bread?

-Yeah. Why?
-Well, I'm starving.
I want to make a sandwich.

Look, forget your stomach!

Well, all right.
Now, let's get
ourselves organized.

What exactly do you want
to accomplish here?

I want to clean
the apartment.

All right.
Now let's write that down.
You have a clipboard?

Okay. Well, I guess
we can remember that.

Okay, now what do we do next?

Well, I'd say
try to find something dirty.

Look, next time
I call you, don't answer.

Well, how will
I know it's you?

Look, maybe
we should split up.

Because it's obvious
you don't know a thing
about nothing.

So why don't
you finish up in here?

You take care of the bedrooms,
the bathrooms,
maybe the windows,

the closets, the floor.

I'll tackle the dishes.

TOM: All righty.

GEORGE: Hey, how do you start
this dishwashing machine?

Uh, just push the button
marked "start."

All right.
Well, I'm finished.

Well, hey, wait a minute.
You gave me
all the hard stuff to do.

-Your job was a cinch.
-Are you kidding?
It's a crisis in there.

First of all,
there's no
dishwashing detergent,

so I had to use
laundry detergent.

Then I had an oversized load
so I had to use
two extra cups.

Uh-oh. George, are you sure
you know what you're doing?

No, that's why
I called you.

Well, all right.
Since you're finished
in the kitchen,

why don't you help me
out here?

Because I still have to do
the grocery shopping.

Oh, right.
Well, I'll be working
while you're gone.

Hello, Mike's Groceries?

Hi, George Jefferson.
Yeah, how are you?

Yeah, I'd like to order
some groceries.

I don't know, just give me
three or four bags of stuff
and maybe some vegetables.

Good.

You better get a move on,
old buddy, I'm finished.

See, Florence says
this is hard work.

Hey, don't forget
under the couch.

George, George,
I think we're in trouble.

You know that detergent
you used for the,
uh, dishwasher?

Yeah.

Well, it's tired
of the kitchen.

Hey! Hey, hey.

Uh, you know something?
I think I've been unfair.

Why don't you let me finish up
in here and you take care
of the kitchen?

Oh, gee, George.
I'd like to but, uh...

No!

Get out, move, move, move!

GEORGE: All right.

GEORGE: How do you stop
this thing?

You press the button
marked "stop."

George, I can't see you.

What's happening?

GEORGE: Well, uh,
nothing good.

George...

You look like a snow cone.

Will you grab your mop?
It's a disaster in there!

Hey, just one moment.
I'd like to ask
you a question.

Uh, I mean,
if this had happened
in my apartment,

would you hang around
and help me out?

Are you kidding?
Come on.
That's what I thought.

Arrivederci,
my little snow cone.

-Hey, Willis!
-No!

Oh, go ahead, who needs you?
I can do it myself.

Who am I kidding?

Hey, Ralph,
look, do me a favor.

I want you to get ahold
of a cleaning company.

Yeah, the best in town.

Yeah.
It would be good
if they know how to swim, too.

Okay. Hey, Moose,
what are the damages?

Let's see,
men, mops...

FRED: Oh, my God!

Plus hazard pay for Fred.

Fred, are you
about done in there?

Yeah, I'm done.

Man, trying to clean up
that kitchen was a lot
like in the Navy.

It wasn't just no job,
it was a, an adventure.

Anyway, Moose, look, thanks
for doing such a great job
on such short notice.

The check will be in the mail.

Well, Mr. Jefferson,

on behalf of the families
of the men
you just employed,

thanks for the trip to Europe.

George?

George?

Oh, hi, Weezy.
Well, I must have dozed off.
What time is it?

Uh, :.

-The place is spotless.
-Huh.

I've never seen it
this clean.

Not even
when Florence...

I mean, it's, it's okay.

Well, it does look good.

I gotta hand it to you.

Well, I hate to use
that old expression
"I told you so"

but what the hell.
You only live once.
I told you so.

George, the place looks
absolutely spotless.

How in the world
did you do it?

Well, let me see.
It took me

% ingenuity,

% elbow grease
and % genius.

Well, I gotta tell you.
You're a better man
than I thought you were.

Not bigger, but better.

Well, I can live with that.

I still can't believe
you did it.

Look, while you're
standing out here
being amazed.

I'll be in the bed
waiting for breakfast. Hey!

Hello.
May I help you?

Yes. Is Mr. Jefferson in?

Uh, yes, he is,
but he's a little tired.

Yeah, I'll bet he is
after the mess he made
in here today.

Mess? What mess?

Ma'am, I don't ask
how they slop it up,
I just come in and mop it up.

Listen, I forgot to give
Mr. Jefferson
his coupon for $ off

on his next
housecleaning job.

Housecleaning, huh?

I'll make sure
that he gets this,
all right.

Thanks. You know,

he spent over $
on this job, so
here's an extra coupon.

Aw, what the heck.

You know, for $,
you can also give him
some advice.

Tell Mr. Jefferson
to hire a maid.

Wait until I get my hands
on that weasel.

Ain't this a blessing.

Ms. Jefferson,

when you get through with him,
whatever's still moving
belongs to me.

Oh, George,
guess who was at the door.

Not now, Weez,
I got to talk
to Florence first.

Oh, more cleaning tips?

Oh, no,
I was just, uh, laying in bed
waiting for breakfast

and I realized two things.

One, morning doesn't come
until tomorrow,

and two, I owe you
an apology.

What are you talking about?

Well, see,
I really didn't clean
this place by myself.

I hired a cleaning crew,

otherwise I'd have been here
till next Tuesday.

And another thing,

the work you do is hard work.

And you do a good job.

Oh, why, thank you,
Mr. Jefferson.

You know, that's all
I ever wanted to hear you say.

So now I guess
you'll get that week off.

Oh, sh**t,
I don't even want it.

I mean, what you just said
to me is worth much more
than a week's vacation.

You made me feel so good
that you know what?

Tomorrow morning I'm gonna
give you breakfast
in bed anyway.

Hey...

-See?
-Oh, George, I'm so glad
you said that Florence.

Yeah, me too, Weezy.

And it's a good thing you did.

Because the person
at that door was a man
from the cleaning crew.

Oh. I know.
I heard him.