09x24 - Double Trouble

[bunniefuu]

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

Beans don't burn
on the grill

Took a whole lot of
tryin'

Now we're up
in the big leagues

As long as we live,
it's you and me, baby

There ain't nothin'
wrong with that

We're movin' on up

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

:
We'll be back with more tips
after these messages.

Hi, Florence.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Jefferson.

Uh, may I ask
what you're doing?

Well, I'm watching that TV
program, Consumer Watchdog
with Leontyne Farrell.

And I'm doing some
product testing right
along with the show.

Did you know that
a Digifax watch can stay
in a high-speed blender

for minutes
and still come out ticking?

No. But I didn't know
you owned a Digifax watch.

Oh, I don't.
It's yours.

I wish you would've
asked me first.

But I guess it's good
to know my watch can
survive something like that.

It's too bad
we can't say the same
thing for the blender.

Oh, look, she's getting
ready to do the Spungo
paper towel strength test.

This watch
had two hands.

But at least you can
still see the date.

Oh, watch this.

:
For our next report on
Consumer Watchdog,

the test you've
all been waiting for.

Spungo Towels.

Is Spungo, in fact,
the "mighty towel,"
as the commercials claim?

Well, let's find out.

First, we'll wet the towel...

Here, hold this paper towel.

WOMAN: Then we place
a coffee cup on it.

We got coffee cup?
Oh, that's okay.
We'll use your watch.

Obviously, it's not working.

She's right again.

Why can't you be
like everybody else
and watch Phil Donahue?

Isn't that a disgrace?

Another case of
misrepresentation

on the part of a nationally
advertised product.

If this reporter had her way,
Spungo wouldn't sell
another paper towel ever,

in this or any other country.

But on a brighter note,
our show doesn't only
point out the bad guys.

We also believe
in giving the good guys
a little recognition.

So this week's
"Consumer Watchdog,
Pat-On-The-Back"goes to...

...a businessman who
shows he cares about
the consumer and...

Weezy, is that all
you got to do is watch
television all day?

George,
it was Florence...

Oh, sure,
blame it on the maid.

You ought to see that
watch you gave her.

Go ahead.
Blame that on me too.

You know somethin',
that Cunningham
Cleaners is trying to

drive me out
of business again.

Oh, George, please.
Not Cunningham again.

Yeah. Now, you know what
he doing? He's got
a celebrity campaign.

He's got this dumb
soap opera star trying
to promote his business.

Oh, so who did he get?

Well, his name is
uh... Kent Tobin.

Kent Tobin?

Kent Tobin?
Not the Kent Tobin.

Kent Tobin from
Mornings Of Our Nights...

The one that all the
nurses are in love with?

Child, even Lucille,
who is blind, is in love
with his aftershave.

Kent Tobin?

You mean, Kent Tobin
is at Cunningham's?

I think she's heard of him.

Oh, come on, Weezy.

Pretty soon,
Cunningham is gonna take
my business away.

I won't have any reason
to go down there.
I'll have to close early.

I'll have to close
on weekends.

Oh, Weez,
you've got to help me.

The next thing you know,
I'll have to spend
all my time with you.

You're right, George.
I've got to help you.

Look, relax.
Boy, oh, boy.

Now, nobody's going
out of their way to
take their clothes

to Cunningham just because
Kent Tobin says so.

I mean, Kent Tobin...
Mmm-mmm.

Kent Tobin. Child...

I wonder where
she's going, Weez?

Oh, George. Florence
is just one person.

Yeah. But suppose the whole
world was full of Florences?

Oh, sure, we'd be safe
from enemy att*ck,
but I'd be outta business.

George, you're blowing
this all out of proportion.

It is only one newspaper ad.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Florence ain't like people.

Well, the point is,
nobody is going to take

Cunningham's
promotion seriously.

George! I just saw
Kent Tobin at Cunningham's.

Oh, don't worry, George.
He'll be there all week.

Isn't that right, Helen?

Uh, Helen?

He touched me.

Oh, well,
I got his autograph,

and George,
he even talked to me.

I told him
I was a publisher
and he said "next".

Oh, what a kidder.

Helen, I can't believe
a grown-up acting like this
over a soap opera star.

What's gotten into you?

He touched me.

Weezy, I'm dead.

Oh, come on, George.

So people are
flocking to Cunningham's.

I mean, how much is a flock?

Well, from what
I saw at Cunningham's,
I'd say , , tops.

You see that? I'm ruined.
Cunningham's gonna burn me.

Oh, now, George.
Don't worry.

Now, let's put on our
thinking caps and see if we
can come up with something.

Now, if you were
in a w*r and you
were being out-gunned,

you'd get
a bigger cannon.

And if you were being
beaten in a horse race, well,
you'd get a faster horse.

And now that you're
being out-promoted...

Gee, I don't know
what to tell you.

You know, Willis,
you're a genius.

No.Really?

But you gave
me a good idea.

I'm gonna b*at
Cunningham at
his own game.

I'm gonna out-promote him.

It's gonna be the biggest
thing ever to hit this town.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know, exactly.
But I see confetti.

George, there's no
need for you to compete

just to see who can come
up with the big promotion.

Now, you offer
quality service at fair prices.

And that's the way
to run a business.

Right, Helen?

Oh, no.

He touched me.

Mmm?Helen!

Oh, hi, Louise.

Oh, you'll never guess
who we saw at Cunningham's.

Kent Tobin?

Yeah. And you
know what he did?

He touched you.

Were you there?

No. And neither would you
and him if you were
our friends.

Well, now, George,
if this Kent Tobin promotion
is really bothering you,

you have to fight
fire with fire.

Just go out and find
a celebrity of your own.

What're you talking about?
I can't afford no celebrity.

Hey, wait a minute.
What about Tony Orlando
and Dawn, Weez?

You know
Tony Orlando and Dawn?

Well, no. But this guy came
into the store the other day
and said that his father

was the plumber of Dawn.
The short Dawn.

He seemed like
an all right guy.

I mean, he didn't just
come out and say it.
He didn't brag or nothin'.

It just sort of slipped
into the conversation.

George. Nobody's is coming to
Jefferson Cleaners just to
see some son of a plumber.

Yeah. I guess you're right.
It's his father or nothing.

Well, George,
we'd love to stay and help

but we're on our way
to lunch at La Terazza.

You never know, we might
see some celebrities there.

Oh, sweetheart.
Don't you think we've had

our fill of celebrities
for one day.

-Hey, wait a minute.
-Oh.

Isn't that the place
that serves that
succulent duckling

sauteed in white wine
with olives?

Mmm-hmm.

Okay, Weezy. Where can
we get a celebrity cheap?

Hey, I wonder what
the Beaver's doing today?

George, for the last time,
you don't need celebrities.

Okay, you know
a good animal act?

Look. You want
a good promotion?

I'll give you
a good promotion.

Now, this letter
just came today.

And it says,
"Dear Mr. Jefferson."

"Just a note to thank
you for your honesty."

"Many other cleaners
would've kept the $ they
found in my pants pocket,"

"but you returned it along
with my clothes, which were
sparkling clean as usual.:

"Signed, your customer forever,
Hank Zamost."

So why don't you use this
in your advertisement?

See Weezy,
that's what I mean,

you have no sense
of advertising.

That letter
don't mean nothing.

Why? It's the truth.

I know. But who's
going to believe that?

They'll just think
it's the best lie
I could come up with.

Oh, George,
don't be ridiculous.

You should take
this letter and hang it
in your store, downstairs.

-Better yet, you should
hang it in all your stores.
-Oh.

I'll go out and get
you some copies made.

Oh, great, Weez.

That's gonna bring'em
right in, huh?
You'll see.

I don't need copies of letters.
I need celebrities.

I know where
to get them, too.

:
Oh, Kent, Kent...

Have I told you lately
that I can't see you,

but I love your aftershave?

:
Yes, you have, Lucille.
And by the way, I'm over here.

LUCILLE: Sorry, Kent.

KENT:
Oh, that's all right, Lucille.

At least, now I know you
love me for me

and not just my fabulous
good looks.

LUCILLE: I love
your looks too, Kent.

KENT: So do I, Lucille.

So do I, child.

George, I've got the copies.

Shh!

Is George here?

Not now, Mrs. Jefferson,
Kent's about to propose
to Lucille.

KENT: Lucille,
would you be my-my...

LUCILLE: Say it, Kent.

KENT: Would you be
my sponsor in the K Run?

Mrs. Jefferson,
I'll have you know,

you just turned off
a personal friend of mine.

Well, I'm sorry,
I'll apologize to him
in the next episode.

And another thing,
Florence, I wouldn't show
that picture to George.

I'm trying to get him
off of this celebrity kick.

Oh, Mrs. Jefferson...

And you are not
exactly helping.

Now I don't want
to hear another word
about celebrities,

TV stars or personalities
because, frankly,
I'm sick of it.

Hi.

Oh! You're The Sundance Kid.
You're The Sting.

You're The Way We Were.
You're...

Tired of standing here,
ma'am.

Mind if I have a seat?

Whatever you want
to do, you do.

Do you know
who you are?

You're "The Sundance Kid."
You're "The Sting."You're...

Oh, we've already been through
that, mind if I have a seat?

Whatever you want
to do, child, you do.

Oh, Florence, we've already
been over that, too.

Please, sit.

Can I get you anything?

A drink, a sandwich,
an Oscar?

Nothing, thanks.

Uh... May I ask
you one question?

Are you really this
good looking in person?

Look, I'm here to
see Mr. Jefferson.

Before you do that.

I have just one question.

Do you remember Butch Cassidy
and The Sundance Kid?Yeah.

Well, would you go someplace
with me so my friends
could see us together?

Florence, will you stop.

You're embarrassing him.

Now, we have
an extra room.

And it's yours for
the rest of your life.

You want me to get that?

No. She will.

You talked to him last.
It's my turn.

Well, okay.

But whoever it is,
I'll get rid of them.

Now, just don't say
anything famous
while I'm gone.

I'm sorry, but we're...

Oh.

Well, there's someone in
here you've just got to meet.

Thank you,
Mrs. Jefferson.

Not you.

Bob, Liza.

Liza, Bob, with a "Z".

Hi.
Nice to see you.

Uh, excuse me.

I just had a great idea.
Why don't the three of us
make a movie together?

Excuse me,
is Mr. Jefferson here?

BOTH: Who?

BOTH: I'll get it!

It's my job!

It's my house!

Paper covers rock.

Just relax, everybody,
it's just Woody.

I'm here to see
George Jefferson.

Oh, later.

Oh, please come in.
And sit anywhere.

So, Bob. What is this bug
you've got for directing?

I mean, child, you belong
in front of the camera.

Lady, look, I'm here to see
Mr. Jefferson,

can you tell me
when he is expected?

Oh, why do you all
want to see Mr. Jefferson?

I mean, you two are famous.

Uh, three.

Whatever.

Hey, Weez.

Hey! Hi, everybody.

Just cool your heels,
I'll be with you
in a minute.

George!

Oh, please excuse
my husband's rudeness.

He's even worse to nobodies.

George, I thought
you said you couldn't
afford celebrities.

How in the world did
you get these two?

Three.

Whatever.

How?

They needed the work.

They did?

Well, I knew things
were tough in Hollywood,
but I never dreamed...

Oh, I understand.
You thought
they were real?

Weezy, I never thought
you was as dumb as
the rest of the people.

They are look-alikes,
can't you tell?

Well, yes.

I hate to burst your bubble,
but they don't look a thing
like they're supposed to.

Wait a minute.

You mean, you two...

Three, ain't real?

Now she includes me.

Well, I hate to tell
you this, child,
but your hair is all wrong.

And your nose
is way too small.

And you, you poor thing.
You look just like him.

Okay, now, I want you
to listen up, everybody.

And I will explain
why I brought you all here today

for the "I Love Jefferson
Cleaners" Celebrity Campaign.

Uh, George,
I don't understand.

Why would people care
where a celebrity look-alike
gets their clothes cleaned?

See, Weez? You're acting like
the general public again.

I'm not going to tell anybody
that they're look-alikes.

You mean you're going to use
these people in your advertising

without saying
that they are fakes?

They're not fakes.

They were born
with these faces.

But that's dishonest.

Weezy...

The only difference between
dishonest and honest,
is an extra syllable.

George, I'm. not letting
you go through with this.

Why not?
Cunningham's doing it.

No. He's not,
he's using a real star.

You're using people
who look like stars.

And you know
what that makes you?

A lot smarter
than Cunningham.

Thus, I'll be the most
famous cleaner in the city,
in the country...

And in the penitentiary.

Don't pay no
attention to her.

She don't know what
she's talking about.

In the penitentiary,
they have their own cleaning.

Okay, now,
let's get to work...

Hey, Weez!

You'll never guess
what happened today.

You found a George Jefferson
look-alike to go
to jail for you?

No. But you know,
that ain't a bad idea.

You'll never guess who
came into the store today.

George, I really don't care.

Now, I know I've been
after you for two days,

but please don't go through
with this celebrity campaign.

It could ruin you.

But Weezy, you know...

You know that
Consumer Watchdogprogram

that comes on every day
with Leontyne Farrell?

Well, Florence
watches it sometimes.

Well, she came
into the store today

and she wants me
to be on her show.

Did she say why?

Yeah. She's giving me
the "Consumer Watchdog
Pat-On-The-Back."

It's an award for the service
I've been doing for the people
for the last years.

Well, I hope the subject
of your celebrity campaign
doesn't come up.

Otherwise, you'll find
yourself on another show,

like "The Drycleaner
of Alcatraz."

No,
that's the beauty of it.

The ad doesn't come out
until tomorrow, the interview
will be over by then.

It will?

Yeah. She's right
downstairs now with her
cameraman and crew.

Ain't that great?

Well, I wish you luck.

And I sure hope you
know what you're doing.

Look, Weez,
don't worry, okay?

Oh, that's her now.

Now remember. This
is shining moment so
don't block my light.

Of course, you can
feel free to hover lovingly
in the background. Okay?

Why, Ms. Farrell, come in.

Thank you.
And do call me Leontyne.

This is my wife, Louise.

-Hello.
-Pleased to meet you.

Oh, by the way,
this is my good side.

Oh, what am I saying?
I don't have a bad side.

Oh, Mrs. Jefferson,
may I say this is

an absolutely
beautiful apartment.

Oh, thank you very much.

Thank you. This is the
reward from my millions
of satisfied customers.

Oh, I meant to tell you,
Mr. Jefferson, I bring my
clothes to your cleaners.

You've always
done excellent work.

Why, thank you.
I hate to brag.

But I don't mind if
you do.

Mrs. Jefferson,
will you be joining us
for the interview?

Oh, no, no. I'd rather
just hover lovingly
in the background.

She's the nice wife.

Well, everything seems fine.
Let's go over a couple
of things you told me.

Uh, let's see.

You were born the
son of a sharecropper.

I'll tell the audience that.

No, no, no, those are
my lines, I'll tell them.

Look, why don't we
do it over here?
In front of the window.

See, there's like all of
New York behind us, right?

That makes me
look more powerful.

Oh, yeah, look, uh,
see if you can slip
cranberry stains in.

I've got stories about
that that'll k*ll you.

Okay, Mr. Jefferson.

Oh, I can see
you're a lively subject.

I'm sure we're going
to have a good time.

Oh, why, thank you.

Oh, are we ready?

Ready, Mr. Jefferson?

I was born ready.

All right, then.
Let's begin.

Good afternoon.

We are in the home of
George Jefferson,

the owner of
Jefferson Cleaners.

Mr. Jefferson, I stand
here and I look at you,

and I think, here is
a man who's been in
business for years.

He's successful.
He's respected.

And I say to myself...
Why?

Why does this man want
to perpetrate a fraud on
the people of New York?

Why, Mr. Jefferson?

Uh... Uh...

Would you put the
microphone down a minute.

I want
to talk to you
about something.

I have signed affidavits
from various celebrities

stating that they
have never been
to any of your stores,

yet, you are about to run
ads claiming that they are
your satisfied customers.

Can you explain that,
Mr. Jefferson?

Uh, well, I thought
I was supposed to
get a pat on the back.

This doesn't seem
like a pat on the back.

Oh, I'm sorry. Mr. Jefferson,
you're a real fraud.

Weezy, pull the plug,
pull the plug!

Well, there you have it,
ladies and gentlemen.

I think that's pretty much
an open admission of guilt.

Another crook
put to rest.

This is Leontyne Farrell,
your Consumer Watchdogsaying,

when the bad guys take
a bite out of you, bite back.

So long for now.

I'm sorry,
Mr. Jefferson.

You've got to do your job.

And I've got to do mine.

Of course, tomorrow
I'll still have mine.

Have a nice day.

Is that a normal
pat on the back,

or did I just get slugged
upside the head?

Well, George, you can't say
I didn't try to stop you.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.
This is it.

When this hits the air,
I'm going to prison.

I'll never do anything dumb
or dishonest again, Weezy.

Honest, honest, honest.

Which is sad, because now,
I can't even bribe
myself out of prison.

So, in other words,
if you had all this
to do all over again,

you would run
an honest ad campaign?

Definitely.

As sure as I am a former
dry cleaner and a future
license-plate maker.

That's all
I wanted to hear.

Miss McDonald?

That's not Miss McDonald.
That's Leontyne Farrell.

No, it's not.
But she certainly looks
like her, doesn't she?

I hired her from
the same look-alike
agency that you used.

Weezy, how could
you do that?

Credit card.

Oh, and thanks
for hiring me.

By the way, I'm also
available for parties,
funerals, and bar mitzvahs.

Oh, and I juggle.

Really?