10x01 - Mission: Incredible: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

in the sky

a piece of the pie

in the kitchen

on the grill

in the big leagues

it's you and me, baby

with that

in the sky

a piece of the pie

Okay, Mrs. Jefferson.
True or false?

Nautical miles are longer
than conventional miles.

False.
No. True.

Okay, now this one is easy.

Sonar was invented
in

by Laurel and Hardy
during the filming of
Saps At Sea.

True.

No. False.

Mrs. Jefferson, I thought
you told me you memorized
all these questions.

I did.
It's the answers
I didn't memorize.

Mrs. Jefferson, how are you
going to be the hit

of Mr. Jefferson's
Navy reunion

if you don't know nothing
about the Navy?

Florence, for the last time,
I don't want to be the hit

of George's Navy
reunion tonight.

And besides, I know
what the Navy's about.

It's a place where
young boys train
to be young men

so that, they can
get together years later

and act like young boys
all over again.

Mrs. Jefferson,
now I'm sure Mr. Jefferson
has grown up by now.

Come on, Weez.

Or grown out.

Hurry up, Weez.
The guys are
gonna be here

any minute to
take us to the hotel.
You gotta to get dressed.

I'm already dressed.

What happened to the outfit
I picked out for you?

You mean this?

Yeah.

Gee, I don't know.

I thought I'd save this until
someone asked me to do
a Popeye impression.

Weez, this is a Navy reunion,
not the junior prom.

You see what I look like.

Florence, is there
anything wrong with
the way I'm dressed?

Now, Mr. Jefferson, you know
that you and I have
different tastes.

I have mine,
and you have none.

Well, George,
you have to admit,
this shirt is a little small.

Ah. Ain't nothing
wrong with it.

You know how fabric is.

You don't wear it
for a while,
it tightens up.

It just needs time to grow,
that's all.

Hiya, George.
Hi, Louise.

Aw, George,
what happened
to your uniform?

Doesn't anyone around
here know anything
about fabric?

What do you want?
Well, actually,
Helen sent me down here

to pick up the pamphlets
she lent you about
the house on Cape Cod.

Okay, Tom.
I'll go get them.
Thank you.

Hold it, Weez.
Aren't you forgetting
something?

Oh, right.

She just put it there
so she'll know where it is.

So, you gonna spin
for that house in
Cape Cod, huh?

Oh, now, wait a minute,
George.

The house hasn't
come through yet.

But let me show you
the ring that I bought
for Helen today.

Well, uh, if boring me
makes you happy...

Not bad, huh?

What is it?

It's called
a Cat's Eye opal.

And it's found
only in Bolivia,

and it's so scarce
there that it has
to be smuggled

out between
the toes of Llamas.

And I don't have to tell you
how sensitive the area
between a Llamas toes can get.

That's right.
Especially with
that heat.

Whoa! I will say.

Well normally,
these babies go anywhere
from a hundred bucks on up.

Willis...
But this man I met
on Eighth Avenue,

he was liquidating
his entire inventory,

and he let me
have this one for,

you won't believe
it, $.

It's a marble, Willis.

George, you should've seen
his trunk it was loaded...

It's a marble.

A marble?
Yeah.

A guy cut a marble in half
and he glued it on this
old cheap band.

See.

This scam's been
in the paper's all week.

A marble?

Why, if this is true,
it means I've been...

You've been stung,
you've been ripped off!

You've been beaten.
Whatever you want to call it.

I've been taken
to the cleaners.

Now, I wouldn't call it that!

What is wrong with you?

You never used to be
this big of a sucker, before.

Well, I guess I just had
a temporary lapse
of judgment.

In other words,
it was just dumb.

Well, all right
I'll give you that, George.

But at least give me
some credit, too.
For what?

You should have enough sense
not to buy nothing from
somebody off the street.

Oh, come now.
You act as if I did
that all the time.

It happened once,
it could happen again.

Well, I wasn't
thinking clearly,

I was worried about
the house on Cape Cod.

Okay. I'm through with it.

Well, thank you.

Oh, listen, uh, George?

Since we're on the subject
of the rings,

would you mind appraising
these other three?

I'm telling you,
West was the biggest coward
in the whole Navy.

Oh, come on, George.

I'm telling you,
he was so scared,

when he found
they sent only the
black guys to the galley,

he swore under oath
that he was a mulatto.

He even told 'em he sang
with the Inkpots, right?

That's a lie.

True!
No!

It was the Mills Brothers.

See, he did that to keep
from going to the front
line, Weez.

I'm telling you he was
the scariest guy
in the whole Navy.

Say, speaking of the Navy,

now ain't it about time
we headed down for the hotel?

All right, let's go.
Hey, hey, hey.

No, Weez.

We're just going
to the hotel, now.
Come on.

Oh, great.
Let's get it over with.

Oh, I mean, let's go.

I'll get my coat.

Don't slam the
closet door too loud,

old West might surrender
to the Koreans.

George, what's this?

Oh, That?
Man you wanna hear
a great story,

this friend of mine got
ripped off over that ring
because

he thought it was
a real opal or something.

It's a marble.
Yeah. I know.

But can you imagine
a grown man falling
for a gag like that?

I don't know,
Jefferson.
It happens all the time.

I know.
But I didn't think it would
happen to this guy.

I mean, he's kinda smart,
you know.

Of course he told me
that he was under
some kind of stress.

Why?
Well he's trying to buy some

real estate up in Cape Cod,
and uh, well, he'll get over.

I mean,
he has eaten waxed fruit
and pulled through.

Well, if I were you,
I'd make sure to warn him.

You know what kind
of people are out there
these days.

It ain't my problem.

Oh sure, it's nobody's
problem now.

But, uh, you might want
to cut it off before it
becomes a problem.

What are you getting at,
Tyndall?

Nothing much.

But I had a friend
a couple of years ago

get ripped off and I had
a chance to warn him too.

And I didn't.
I felt real bad
about it afterwards.

Willis is my
best friend too.
Hmm.

Look, you guys
ain't gonna spread
this around, are you?

What? About the ring?
No. That he's
my best friend.

Don't sweat it, George.

Hey, wait,
I got an idea.

Since he is your best friend,

maybe West and me could
teach him a lesson.

Warn him for you.

Run a game down on him.

Run a game on Willis?

Yeah, for his own good.

All right, wait a minute.

We could run
something like...

The Pigeon Drop.

Oh! The Pigeon Drop.

Oh, you know
the old Pigeon Drop.

The old Pigeon Drop?
Yeah!

That old thing.

What is it?

I meet up with him someplace
I strike up a conversation.

And while he's not looking,
I drop an envelope

filled with cut up newspaper
which I pretend

is a lot of money
I just found.

Well, I'm real
nervous about it

but I say to him now,

if we can just find some way
to keep this bread,

I'd be more than willing
to split it with you.

Yeah. That's when I show up
like a total stranger.

And Tyndall will ask me
what I think he should do,

and I tell him...
"Oh, I'll call a lawyer
friend of mine."

So I go to a phone booth,
and piddle around

for two minutes,
and come back
and I say, uh,

"legally the money
has to be documented,

"and, uh, put it in
a safe deposit box
for thirty days."

After that, I tell your
friend the money,
can be split up,

any way you want.

But What kind of
scam is that?

The scam comes in
when West says that his
lawyer's also says

that we all have to come up
with equal shares of
good faith money.

Well that's to show that
we all have enough money
to live on,

and nobody's gonna go take
anything out of the bank
before the thirty days are up.

But then, see me and Tyndall
will just pretend to come up
with our good faith money.

But your friend will
come up with real thing,

and we'll put in
one envelope, hmm?

And then,
when he's not looking,

we'll switch the envelopes,

come up with a dummy envelope.

And send him to
a phony lawyer with it,

and bring the real envelope
with his money in it
back to you.

Right.

And while you're here
rubbing his face in it,

me and West'll be on our way
back to Los Angeles.

That's it?

Man, Willis'll smell that
con a mile away.

Ten bucks says he won't.

Ten bucks says he will.

I'll hold the money.

Who'd ever fall for that
good faith money stuff?

Same person who'd buy
half a marble.

And besides,
if he doesn't go for it,

then you'll know
he's not so easy

and you don't have to
worry about him, right?

Look, I'm telling you,
I've known Willis
for ten years,

there's no way
he's gonna go for this
Pigeon Drop stuff, man.

No way.
Not a chance.

Not a chance
in a million years.

So after I picked up
my good faith money,

the men gave me
the address of this lawyer

and trusted me
to carry this over there.

So that's where
you're on your way now.

To take the good faith money
over to the lawyers.

Exactly.

And that way
the lawyer can see it

and know that none of us
are going to bother
the found money.

You amaze me, Willis.

This is absolutely
without a shadow of a doubt

the stupidest thing
you've ever done in
your whole, stupid life!

Oh, you think
I should've gone straight
to the lawyer's didn't you?

I'm not talking
about the lawyer.

Ain't no lawyer!

No lawyer?
But they said...

Look, Forget what they said.

Just open the envelope,
and look inside.

What?
Open it.

You can seal it back
when you're finished.

Just open it and see
what's inside.

All right, I'd be glad to,
I know what's inside.

My money is in here...

Wait a minute,
it's not in here.

There's nothing
but newspaper here!

There's been
some mistake!
No, there wasn't.

They gave you
the wrong envelope on purpose,
you wanna know why?

Well yes, wouldn't you
if you were in my situation?

Because I got
the real envelope.

Those guys you met were
friends of mine. The whole
thing was a scam.

Oh, my goodness.

Look, Willis, I'm sorry.

I didn't think you'd fall
for something like this.

I just did it because
you're my best friend.

Look, if this has taught
you to be more careful
with your money,

I'd be glad to do it
all over again, okay?

I'll get your money.

Oh, uh, George?

Yeah?

Uh, you're not gonna
tell anybody else about
this, are you?

Are you kidding?
I don't want
everybody to know

that I have an idiot
for a friend.

Gee, thanks, George.

Because if I'd have
lost that money,
oh, Helen would've k*lled me.

Friends?

Friends.

Here. And be more
careful this time, okay?

You see, Willis,
I grew up in the streets

so maybe
it's easier for me.

I can spot a con, see?

And you know how?
I watch people.
Mmm-mmm.

If you watch people
carefully enough,

a con'll stick up
just like a sore thumb.

It all boils down to
knowing who to trust

and who not to trust,
that's all.

You know all about it,
don't you?

That's right.

Then why is this envelope
full of newspaper too?

Now I want to thank you
people for calling.

You see, down at Bunco
one of the biggest problems
we face

in something like
the Pigeon Drop

is the reluctance
of the victim to even
report the crime.

I guess they think
we just stand around
the squad room

and make fun of
what happened.

But con games are
no laughing matter to us.

I just wanted to explain
that so you can rest assured

that we take these
things every bit
as personally

and as seriously as you do.

Thanks a lot, Officer.

No. No problem.

Now, just what is
your relationship with
"the fish" here?

Best friend?
Ha!

I'll just put down
something general.

Any objections to
"knows the guy?"

Officer, we've already
told you everything we know
about the two crooks.

You don't seem to understand,
I need to have that
money back.

Mr. Willis,

any time something
like this goes down,

we're automatically talking
major complications here.

You see, I know you know
the two guys,

you know you know
the two guys,

but the judge don't know
you know the two guys.

But they've got my money.
I know it's your money,

you know it's your money,
but the judge don't know
it's your money.

You see what
I'm trying to get at?

Yes. You've got
a dumb judge!

Wait a second.

You mean to tell me,
that if they catch
West and Tyndall,

there's no guarantee
Willis can get his
money back?

You a Mets fan?

Yeah.
Then you can take
disappointment.

I'd doubt it very seriously.

But we'll do
what we can.
Oh, Yeah. Sure.

Hey, once in a while
these con guys slip up,
you know?

Oh?
As a matter of fact,

I busted a guy last night
tryin' to sell me half
a marble glued to some ring.

You wouldn't believe
what some people fall for.

Well, so ends
another adventure uh,
old buddy?

Well, let's see
what's good on the tube?

George, do you know what
Helen is going to do to me

when she finds out
about this?

Don't worry,
about it, Willis.

There's a bright side
to everything.

Oh, and tell me what is
the bright side to this?

Okay, you broke now
so she sues you for alimony
you get off scot free.

How can you sit there
making jokes?

None of this would've
happened if you just

minded your own business.

All right, all right.
She'll never have to know.

Well, how do you propose
to keep it a secret?

Simple.

I'll just write you
a check for the money
you lost.

Okay.

All right, how much is it?

Fifteen.

Fifteen hundred dollars,
Willis?

How could you be so stupid?

Never mind, never mind.
It's my fault, my fault.

Oh, uh, wait a minute,
George.

It wasn't ,
it was ,.

George.
You stopped writing.

I almost
stopped breathing.

Willis, why in the world
would you trust

a total stranger
with $,?

Uh, well, now that
the money's gone

I might as well tell
you the whole story.

You'll only read it
in my obituary
tomorrow anyway.

Y'see that money
was the money

that Helen and I had been
saving for the beach house.

Oh, so there goes
the beach house.

Well, actually we'd been
saving for it for six years.

Well, the development
was delayed.
We're put on a waiting list.

And then suddenly last month
a real estate man called me

and told me the house
was now available.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Oh, and neither does Helen.
And I didn't tell her either.

Because, well, you see,
over the last
couple of years,

I'd been drawing
a little money
out of the account.

Oh, now wait a minute.
Not much.
Ah!

Twenty dollars here,
$ there.

But I never paid it back,
so when the house
became available,

I suddenly found myself
very short.

And now, that's why
this found money

seemed like such
a good deal to me.

So how long
do you have

before you have to
make the down payment?

Sixty days.

With the new money,
I figured that would
give me plenty of time.

And Helen would never
find out anything about it.

Then we're gonna have
to get the money back
ourselves, Willis.

But how?

The same way
they got it from us.
We gonna have to con them.

We'll just have to
track these guys down

and pull a con on them
that they'll never forget.

Oh, I don't know.

Will you come on man.
We've got to fight
fire with fire.

They conned us, right?
We con them.

They were determined,
we're determined.

They knew what they wanted,
we know what we want.

They were smart,
so am I.

Well, that's very
intriguing, George.

But you forgot one thing.

What's that?
We don't know anything
about con games.

Except of course,
the Pigeon Drop.

Oh, ain't nobody dumb
enough to fall for that.

I know a guy still got
his phone number too.

Now this guy knows
every con there ever was.

In fact, he's so good,
he got me once

so you know he must be
pretty good, right?

Well, what makes you
think he'd be willing
to help us?

Well he owes me,
he knows me, and most of all,
he respects me.

Uh, George, George?

He's been doing this
for several minutes now.

You think we ought
to call someone?

C'mon, Jimmy!

Jimmy!

I'm sorry, man.

But just the
thought of you two

falling for something
as lame as the old
Pigeon Drop.

But I guess it could
happen to anybody.

Oh, Really?
I don't believe it!

He fell for that too.

Look, Jimmy,
now you owe me
a favor.

Remember I loaned you
that , for school,
didn't I?

Hey, that's not fair, man,
I ripped you off for that!

Listen, Jimmy,
anything you could do
I'd really appreciate.

Y'see, if my wife
finds out...

Hey, man, relax.
How is your wife
gonna find out?

She doesn't even know
that the house
came through yet.

Plus you got
day extension on
your down payment date.

Hell, man I can sell
the Surgeon General a carton
of cigarettes in days.

Hey, that's right!
Oh, this is wonderful.

We don't have to worry
about Helen.

GEORGE: See, I told you.

Oh, Tom,
the house in Cape Cod
just came through.

Isn't that wonderful,
George?

Swell.

Oh, hi, Jimmy.
What're you doing here?

I'm back in college
working on another degree.

And, uh, I was having
a few problems

and figured I'd get some help
from Dad and Uncle Tom.

Yes, that's right.

Really?

What're you studying now?

Math.
Biology.

A cross course, Weezy.
It's math and biology.

It's the science
of counting animals.

Anyway, I'm so excited
about the house.

And I wouldn't have
known a thing if it
wasn't for Louise.

She suggested I
stop sitting around
and call the broker.

And I did, and guess what?

The house came through.

Yes!

So, this was all your doing,
huh, Weez?

Well, I know I shouldn't
take all the credit.

Oh, what the heck,
there's just no way
around it.

Oh, and I haven't told you
the best part.

Oh, you mean
there's more?

Mmm-hmm, I told the
real estate agent

that we would bring him
the down payment on Monday.

Monday.

Oh, Tom, I'm sorry.

But he couldn't
do it sooner.

Are you upset, puddin'?

Nah.

Oh, come on, Helen.

I've still got magazines
from when we re-decorated.

Let's go try to get
some ideas.

Okay.

Tom, just think,
that in no time at all,

we'll be hearing the gentle
sounds of the Atlantic
lapping on our doorstep

while the seagulls perch
on a brand new mailbox
that reads...

"Property of Tom
and Helen Willis."

Oh, honey,
isn't that wonderful?

Fabulous...

The only perched bird
I see a buzzard...

Sitting on a tombstone
that reads,
"Here Lies Tom Willis."

Oh, there's a P.S.

It says!
"See the back
of this marker

"for directions
to the gravesite of
George Jefferson."

Willis, relax. C'mon!

Look, you gotta help
my man here!

But Monday
is five days away.

I can't work that fast.

Oh, no.
Come on, come on.

My man needs his money,
and he needs it now.

Look, blow your nose,
Willis!

Aah!
Easy, easy.

C'mon, look, you gotta
help us run a con game on
West and Tyndall.

You gotta think
of something.

Yeah but,
Mr. Jefferson,

the truth is, I don't know
that much about con games.

What?

The Pigeon Drop, sure.

The uh, Spanish Prisoner,
of course.

The Baltimore Bounce,
the Magic Wallet

and The Kansas City Loop,
yeah.

But if you want to run
a real game,

you ought to get
yourself an expert.

And I can't think of
a single person
who'd fit that description.

There's five hundred
bucks in it for you.

I just thought of somebody.

Figures.

No, no, man, really.

Up until the time that
you just said five,

I had forgotten
all about him.
Oh!

But then it dawned on me
that his phone number
starts with a five.

Right? And then
the rest is easy.

You did say five,
didn't you?
Yes, I did.

Yeah, that's him
all right.

May I use your phone?
Be my guest.

Don't worry...
Oh!

Hey, you say that this West
and Tyndall are headed back
to Los Angeles, right?

Right.
Perfect.

Because my man lives in L.A.,
and if anyone can find them

wherever they are, he can.

Who is he?
My cousin.

Oh, your cousin?

What happened
you couldn't find
your Aunt Effie?

No, man, really,
hey, he's heavy-duty.

Oh, sure he is,
has he had any experience
in this field at all?

Oh, you might say that.

Hello?