10x06 - And the Winner Is...

[bunniefuu]

in the sky

a piece of the pie

in the kitchen

on the grill

in the big leagues

it's you and me, baby

with that

in the sky

a piece of the pie

Oh, now, we've already

rearranged the file cabinets
at the Help Center.

Uh-huh.
And we picked up
the pamphlets

from the printers.
Mmm-hmm.

So now all we've gotta do is
put them in the envelope,

address them and pre-sort
them by zip code.

For what?
So the post office can
lose them in numerical order?

Okay, how do I look?

Like a blackbird with feet.

Uh, what's the tux for?

The banquet.

For when you win the
Help Center's Volunteer
of the Year Award next week.

Oh, George, you know
I don't care about awards.

I just want to do
a good job.

Oh, Weezy, that's sick.

Oh, don't pay no attention
to him, Ms. Jefferson.

I'm always proud
when I do a good job.

Well, you must've been
feeling pretty low
for a long time.

You'd feel low, too,
if you always got
a paycheck that jingled.

Hello, Florence.
Hi.

GEORGE: Oh, Ralph.
Mr. Jefferson.

What do you want?
Well, sir, uh,

I found this boy wandering
around downstairs,
looking for your apartment.

He seemed to pose
no apparent thr*at,

but as you know,
appearances can be
deceptive, so...

In other words,
he didn't have no money
to give you a tip, huh?

I consider that
vagrancy, sir.

He searched me.

Weezy, you know this kid?

Of course.

That's Artis
from the Help Center.

We're sending him
to camp this week.

Come on in, Artis.

By the way, Mrs. Jefferson,
Mr. Jefferson told me

about your award ceremony
next week.

I just wanted to
wish you good luck.

Well, thank you, Ralph.

It would be an honor
for the whole building
if you win.

Oh, it's only a trophy,
Ralph.

There's no cash prize.

Oh, you're still going?

So, uh, now what can
I do for you, Artis?

My mother made me
come over here

to thank you for sending me
to that crummy, stinky camp
for a week.

Well, the joy on your face
is thanks enough.

You don't know
how lucky you are.

The country is beautiful
and peaceful.

Besides, there must be
somebody you want
to get away from.

You know, you got it made.
I wish I could take
your place.

Good.
I'll go tell mom.

Well, now,
wait a minute, Artis.

Now tell me,
what is it about
the country you don't like?

I told you.

It's crummy and stinky.

Uh, well, what is it exactly
that crumbs and stinks?

Well, first of all,
you gotta sleep on rocks.

Second thing is,
you gotta wake up on rocks.

And the third thing...
Well...

I don't even wanna
talk about going
to the bathroom.

Yeah, those dry leaves
are pretty rough.

Artis, why don't you
just go to the camp,
honey?

You'll have a good time.

But I won't.
I know it.

Even though I'm only nine,
this is the worst thing

that ever happened to me
in my whole life.

Oh, I forgot.

So I don't have to lie
to my mother.

Gee, Mrs. Jefferson,

thanks a lot for
sending me to camp.

You're welcome.

Can I borrow a quarter?

I don't want that guy
downstairs hassling
me again.

I know what you mean.

Thanks.
Okay.
And be careful.

Okay?

Hey, how come
it's so hard for me
to get money out of you

and it's so easy for him.

Because he treats me
with the respect that
I deserve.

Can you do this?
Being poor ain't that bad.

Weezy, I think
that's a great idea,
sending that kid to camp.

Why?
Because, if we play
our cards right,

you could become
Volunteer of the Century!

Oh, George, I don't want
to hear that again.

Oh, you know you want
to hear the whole thing,
Weezy.

Oh, no I don't.

I mean,
that subject is closed.

Oh, come on, Weezy.

There she is.
Our little Volunteer
of the Year.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, you don't
need prayer, Louise.
You're a shoo-in.

She will be after
I get through.

I've got some plans
you won't believe.

You do?

Oh, yes, because
we have some ourselves.

Oh, great, great,
great, great.
Let's hear about yours.

Okay. I figured
I'd hire a skywriter.

You know, nothing elaborate.
Just English and Spanish.

That's a terrific idea.

Now, wait till
you hear ours.

Now, come on guys. Now...

Look, I work at the
Help Center for the people.

Not for an award.

Oh, c'mon...

Let's all sit down
and talk about
something else.

Please.

Oh, no problem, Louise.

We understand.
Mmm-hmm.

I still say you
should've been Volunteer
of the Year last year.

GEORGE: That's right.
Why? What happened
last year?

Oh, they gave it
to that old stupid uppity
Mrs. Van Morris.

Remember?
While you did all the work,

she got all the credit.

She'd never even
show up at the office.

But, Helen, didn't I see
her at last year's
blood drive.

Sure. She donated
a pint from her chauffeur.

Huh, how could a woman
like that possibly win?

It was easy.

She got her
millionaire husband to
let some neighborhood kids

into his amusement park
for free.

Then she got some
photographer to take
her picture with them.

It got into the society pages,
and that my dear,
is why she won the award.

Oh, yeah.
Okay, well, this year
we'll go one better.

I'll open one of my
cleaning stores,

we'll have all the kids
come there,

we'll tie balloons on my
a*t*matic pant legger.

Ah!

Oh, I saw streamers
on the a*t*matic
pant legger.

Streamers is better.

Now, George.
Now just forget it.

Now, I'm not interested
in trying to outdo
Mrs. Van Morris.

Fine.

Let's just drop
the whole subject of
Mrs. Van Morris.

Oh, thank you, Tom!

Let's talk about
Mr. Van Morris.

I'd like to punch him
in his face.

You got it.

Because his wife,
you know who,

can't possibly win
the award this year

because they've been
on a world cruise for
the last eight months.

Hey, Weezy.
That's right,
you're a cinch to win.

Oh, that's all right.
Now, listen.

The three of you can discuss
this as long as you want.

But as of this minute,
count me out.

Oh, come on, Weezy.

I am simply
going to do my work

the way I've always
been doing it

and I'm not gonna
ruin my day

by even thinking about
Mrs. Van Morris.

Mrs. Van Morris?

Hello, Louise.

I hope I'm not intruding.

I see I caught you
in the middle of your,
uh, housecleaning.

Uh, well, Mrs. Van Morris,

I don't see how a visit
from you could possibly be
an intrusion.

After all,
you're not even in yet.

Oh, yes, I know.

Uh, well, then you
already know Helen.

And this is
her husband, Tom.
Hello.

And, of course,
you remember George.

Ah, yes, the little man
who threw broccoli

when I won
Volunteer of the Year Award
last year.

Yes, I would have thrown corn,
but broccoli looked funnier
in your hair.

Uh, uh, tell me,
to what do we own
the honor,

uh, the pleasure,
uh, why are you here?

I heard of the tremendous
amount of work

you've done for the
Help Center this year.

While I, last year's
Volunteer of the Year,

was on this wonderful,
tremendous, beautiful,

oh, breathtaking,
glorious cruise for
eight beautiful months.

While, uh, well, I,
didn't contribute anything
to the Help Center.

Well, Mrs. Van Morris,
don't worry about it.

We managed.

No, no.
I simply couldn't
live with myself

if I didn't hold up my end.
So, boys!

Now, I want to donate
this check to the
Help Center,

in my own name,

in the amount of
twenty-five thousand dollars.

George,
what are you doing?

I'm getting the spot ready
for your trophy.

Well, stop it.

No, Louise, for once
in his life, he's right.

You are going to win
that award tonight.

Mrs. Van Morris
can't buy it this year.

Everybody's wise
to her old tricks.

Well, I really don't care
if I win or not.

What, what are you
talking about, Weezy?

Where's your spirit
of competition?
This is America.

You're supposed
to want to win.

What would happen if
George Washington
didn't want to win?

We'd be speaking English.

Exactly!

No, I agree.

Uh, competition has
made America great.

That's right.
Take me and my buddy,
Willis, here, right?

Now each one of us
naturally wants to outdo
each other, right?

But see, it inspires
Willis to know that me,
his best friend

outdoes him in
every aspect of life.

Right?
Well, I wouldn't say that.

You don't have to
thank me, old buddy.

I'm just saying that
because I'm your friend.

Gee, thanks...

I hate to interrupt this
tribute to yourself, George,
but it's time to go.

We don't want Louise
to miss hearing her name

announced as the winner,
now do we?

Hey, all right, Weezy.

Come on, Weezy.

Uh, now, look.

This is all very flattering,
but I'm telling you,

I don't care
if I win or lose.

That witch b*at me again!

Weezy, I thought you said
you didn't care about
winning the award.

Oh, shut up!

Now, Louise,
I know you're upset,

but I think back
to something you
told me yourself...

It's the good that you do,
not the award.

And if it makes
any difference,

you're our Volunteer
of the Year every year.

Oh, put a sock in it.

Now, come on, Louise,
look on the bright side.

What bright side?

Uh, well, one...

The Help Center really
can use the money that
Mrs. Van Morris donated.

And two,
her donation might inspire
other people to give money.

And uh, three...

Even though she has
a lot more money
than you, Louise,

she's probably
very unhappy.

Then the joke's on her,
huh, Helen?

Right!

Get out of my house.

I've decided I am not doing
any more work for
that organization.

Why should I?

They don't appreciate it.

Next year,
I'll just give them
a blank check.

A blank check, Weezy?

You really don't want
to give a blank check,
do you?

And you, you didn't do
a thing on my behalf.

What are you talking about?
It was my idea to hire
the sky-writer.

Then why
didn't you do it?

'Cause you told me not to.

Oh!

Married for thirty years
and you pick now
to start listening.

Oh...

And you...

What did I do?

You are on the
Board of Directors.

I'll bet I didn't even
get your vote.

Trust me.

I voted for you.

Oh, yeah?
So you say.

But how do I really know?

Louise,
I'm your best friend.

Of course,
I voted for you.

But there's no way
of really telling now,
is there?

Oh, Louise...
Admit it.

You didn't vote for me,
did you?

Look, you only got
one vote.

Who the hell else do
you think voted for you?

One vote?

I only got one vote?

Well, one or something
like that.

Twelve people on the Board

and I only got one vote?

Or something like that.

Well, I've lost.

Well, it's just something
I've got to accept.

And that's exactly
what I'm going to do.

Where are you going?

Into my kitchen to think.

You were right.

I did get
a little overexcited.

I'm just gonna take
a couple of minutes
to calm down.

Oh, Louise,
you look a lot better.

Doesn't she, everybody?

Well, I did a little
soul-searching.

And I do feel
a lot better now.

Oh, by the way,
if I were you,

I wouldn't walk
in there barefoot.

Weezy,
y'sure you're all right?

Oh, yes, I'm fine.

The subject of Volunteer
of the Year is closed.

I'm my old self again.

That's Mrs. Van Morris!

Somebody get me a bat!

Will you take it easy?

See, it's only Ralph.

You don't hate Ralph now,
do you?

No.

Thank you, ma'am.
I don't hate you either.

I just came by to
present you with this.

What is it?

It's a doily, ma'am.

I thought you could sit
your trophy on it.

Listen, Ralph...
No need to thank me, sir.

I realize it's not much,
but this doily has been in
my family for generations.

It took my poor old
great-grandmother
months to make,

with her bony,
arthritic little fingers.

Then how come
it says "J.C. Penny"?

J.C. Penny.

See, that was
her name, sir.

Jacqueline Cora Penny.

Her doilies were so beloved
that the retail chain
not only bought her line

but they also took her name.

Just a little bit of
Americana for you, sir.

Nice try, Ralph.

But we don't need it.

But there, you see,
Louise.

You'll have to admit
it was nice of Ralph
to offer you a gift.

A gift?
Oh, no, sir.

I'd never give away
my great-grandmother's
handiwork.

Never.
How much you want for it?

Five ninety-five, sir.

We can't use it, Ralph.

Louise didn't win.

Oh, that's a shame.

You wouldn't happen
to know the address
of the winner?

That's it!
Let me at him!

I hate him!
HELEN: Louise!

LOUISE: I hate Ralph!

I hate Mrs. Van Morris!

And most of all,
I hate the Help Center!

What good is it?
None.

And Helen,
leave me alone.

Okay,
I'll leave you alone.

But after you calm down,
maybe you can help me
get rid of my anger.

I wasn't even nominated
for that ridiculous award.

Angel, sweetheart,
I think...

Hey, I work there, too!

And I certainly do
more than Mrs. Van Morris!

And what about that
"Plumbing For Senior
Citizens" seminar?

I arranged that!

And I'm a much better
loser than Louise!

But, sweetheart,
just remember, you're my
"Woman of the Year."

Oh, shut up!

Well, I didn't realize
how immature Helen
really is.

Helen?

What about you?

Me?
Yeah. You don't mean

what you said about
not going back to the
Help Center. Do you?

I don't?
Look at me.

Do I look like
I'm going anywhere?

But, Weezy,
I thought you cared
about those people.

You love helping people.
You can't stop doing that,
can you?

Of course,
I like helping people.

It's just that...

Sometimes I wonder,
what's the point?

Oh, Weezy, well,
those people need you.

I mean, you can't
let them down.

Of course not.

But I did my best,
and it wasn't good enough.

So, I'm hurt...

Ah, Weezy, yeah.

It's okay,
it's okay, it's okay.
I know how you feel.

And I've been through
the same thing.

You know sometimes,
I go down to that
cleaning store,

the hangers are bent...

Sometimes I'm low
on starch...

George...

Sometimes even the
sleeve-puffer looks just
like any other machine.

Uh, George...

You know, one time
I went down there

and the pleats
didn't even make me smile.

George...

I've just changed my mind.

I'm going back to work.

Yeah...

Well, what's the matter?

Maybe I should
just retire, Weezy.

I'll get it.

And, George, thank you
for making me feel better...

For a little while anyway.

Oh, Louise, Louise,
Louise, Louise...

Well, that's us.

What can we do for you,
Mrs. Van Morris?

I can't tell you enough
how sorry I am

that you didn't win the
award again this year.

I had no idea that
I was even in the running.

And that makes
two years in a row.

Am I right, Louise?

Yes, two.

It's easy to remember,
one for each of your faces.

Then again, you always
did handle defeat well.

Mrs. Van Morris...

But of course, you,

we just couldn't seem
to control ourselves,
could we?

What are we
talking about?

I always throw artichoke
hearts when I'm happy.

Louise, I know that this
is the worst possible
moment to ask a favor of you.

But the committee would
like me to give a speech

at the press
conference tomorrow.

And I was wondering
if you'd mind

terribly writing my
acceptance speech for me.

What?

You're asking her to
write a speech for you?

Well, it's such
short notice.

And she does have
a mind for details.

Mrs. Van Morris, right now,

the only thing I have
a mind to do is...

George, get that.

And if that's
the paramedics,
hold them.

The only thing I have
a mind to do is

to take that trophy
and turn it into
a tight fitting cap...

Hello, Mrs. Jefferson.
Can I come in?

And what do you want?

To tell me what a crummy,
stinky time you had
at the crummy, stinky camp?

No.

I just wanted to tell you
what a good time
I had at camp.

You were right,
Mrs. Jefferson.

It was great!

It was?

Yeah, and, well, I,
kinda made you something
in ceramics class.

Here.

It started out
as an ashtray.

But since I remembered
you don't smoke,

I just scraped off the
dents and called it a dish.

Sorry if it didn't
turn out so good.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Listen to this, George.

"To Mrs. Jefferson.

"World's Greatest... Wom?"

That's supposed
to say "Woman."

But the "A" and the
"N" were on a dent.

I can do it over,
if you want me to.

Oh, no,
I wouldn't hear of it.

A special gift like this
deserves a special place
of its own,

so that
everyone can see it.
How's this?

Yeah.

It kind of goes
with everything.

Right.

Anyway, my mother's
waiting for me downstairs,
so I better go.

Thanks again,
Mrs. Jefferson.

Oh, and thank you, Artis.

And I'm sorry
I yelled at you before.

Oh, that's okay.

You're a grown-up.
You're supposed to.

Oh, uh, Mr. Jefferson,

would you happen
to have a quarter?

Oh, Ralph, huh?

No, I just wanted to
buy a candy bar.

See you, Mrs. Jefferson.

LOUISE:
Bye-bye, Artis.

Kids.

Yeah.

They're something else,
aren't they?

Well, listen, Louise.

I can understand why
you might be reluctant
to write my speech for me.

I can get someone on
my staff to help me.

Oh, no, Mrs. Van Morris,
I'll write it.

What?
Oh, thank you, Louise.

I knew I could
depend on you.

I'll come back tomorrow
and pick it up.

Oh, uh, uh,
nothing too fancy.

And please, try not to
overuse the word,
uh, "Godsend."

I don't believe you're
gonna write a speech
for a woman like that.

Well, George,
she needs help.

And I guess I've forgotten
that sometimes

people who need help
the most don't even know
they need it.

So in other words,
you're not mad about

not winning the award
anymore, huh?

No, as a matter of fact,

I already got
the best award
a woman could have.

Oh, come on, Weezy.
I ain't that great.