10x07 - The Return of Bentley

[bunniefuu]

in the sky

a piece of the pie

in the kitchen

on the grill

in the big leagues

it's you and me, baby

with that

in the sky

a piece of the pie

Okay, down Mrs. Jefferson.
Up Mrs. Willis. Up, up, up.

Why do I get the
feeling she's going to
toss me a bone?

I'm just trying to make
sure everything's fine

for Mr. Bentley's
homecoming, that's all.

Besides, you all know what
a perfectionist I am.

Well, I'm not moving this
sign another inch.

Well, in that case
it's perfect.

Uh, well, Florence, shouldn't
you be doing something too?

I am. I'm fixing the
refreshments.

Florence, the salad is
all tossed.

Anything else?
Sure.

Why don't you make
some deviled eggs?

Uh...

You know, you shouldn't have
Mr. Bentley's friends doing
your work for you.

They volunteered. Besides,
they ain't doing my work,

they're just helping
with the party.

The ironing's almost
done, Florence.

Florence, I folded your
sweaters and hung up
your clothes.

It'll just take a minute to
make your bed.

You know, we ought to
have a party like this,
every week.

Finished.

Well, I need a break.

I heard that.
Yeah, me too.

Well, hey, supervising
ain't exactly no picnic,
you know.

Hey, hey. Well, I'm finished
wrapping all of
Bentley's presents.

And if I must say so myself,
I spent a lot of money
on them.

Oh, that was very
generous of you, George.

Well now, who's more generous
than George Jefferson?

Sit down, folks.
This may take a while.

I'd like Bentley to know
that while he was away
in Russia for two years,

we loved him, we missed
him, and we're damn glad
to have him back again.

Oh, that's really sweet of
you. George, what are
you giving him?

I just bought him
everything he ever
borrowed from us.

That way, he won't have to
show his face around here.

Well, you really know how to
roll out the welcome mat,
don't you?

You know, I think that
it's so unfair that the UN

sent him to Russia
in the first place.

I mean, how was he
supposed to know it was
the Ambassador's wife

he was fooling around with?

Well, we really should be
thankful that in Russia,

he was fooling around with
the Commissar's wife.

At least he's on his way
home now.

Well, I hope he's
changed his ways.

There are only so many
countries a man can
get kicked out of.

I hope he's the same.
He was so cute.

I just love the way
he'd use to say, "Woof."

Every time he said
something naughty.

I guess so he was speaking
your language.

Well, I like the way he used
to drop by so unexpectedly.

And the way he used to
call us Mr. and Mrs. J.

Don't you miss all that,
George?
No.

It's no wonder, because all
you ever did was slam
doors in his face.

Now that I miss.

Well, It's too bad Tom
can't be home for
this party.

You know, he was looking
forward to swapping stories
with Mr. Bentley

the way the two
of them used to.

Remember how they use
to try to out do each other?

I remember one time,
they even closed down

Charlie's bar with their
outlandish storytelling.

Yeah. That was
something else.

Especially since it was
only : in the afternoon
when they drove everybody out.

Well, I'm just tickled to
death that Mr. Bentley's
moving back

into his old apartment.

George arranged everything.

How did you do it,
George?

The waiting list for that
apartment was a mile long.

They don't call me
"George Jefferson the Genius"
for nothing.

There won't be any
problems.

There won't be?
You have talked to
Mr. Whittendale, haven't you?

Well, yes and no.

You want to explain that?

Well, yes, I haven't talked
to Mr. Whittendale.

And have I talked
to Mr. Whittendale? No.

You mean Mr. Bentley's
arriving here any minute,

expecting to go to his
apartment and you haven't
done anything about it yet?

Well, yes and no.

Don't, don't start that
again, George.

Look, Weezy, I'll talk to
Whittendale when I
get a chance.

Everything'll turn out fine.
Okay, I forgot, after all
I am human, right?

Well, yes and no.

Hello. Hey, Ralph. He is?
Great. Ah, okay.

Hey! Mr. Bentley's on his way
up right now.

Ladies, ladies.
Mr. Bentley's here.

Okay now. I want everybody
to line up in the order

of our importance
in Bentley's life.

Since Soupy Sales ain't here,
I'll be first.

Oh no, no, no.
Actually, I think I should
be first in line.

After all, I was his last
girlfriend before he left.

You? Forget it. I was
his last girlfriend.
Excuse me.

You two are dreaming.
I was his one and only.
Look at this pendant.

"You are my one and only.
Love, Harry."

Well, he couldn't add very
well because this bracelet
says the same thing.

Oh, yeah? Well, check
out this tattoo.
It says...

We trust you, dear.

Don't start fighting over
who he loves the most.

He's probably forgot
all of you.

Bentley!
Mr. J!

Hello. Hello, hello,

Oh, hello!
Welcome back.

You rat.

You two-timer.

Weasel.

Oh, it's great to be home.

Hey, hey, hey, welcome back!

Mrs. J. Hello!

And, Florence!

And Mrs. Willis!
Hello, hello!

Mr. Bentley, you look
absolutely wonderful.

Thank you, so do you.

Oh Mr. Bentley,
how was your trip?

Oh, it was...
Well, as a matter of fact,

there were some rather
hair-raising moments,
frantic people

pushing aid shoving,
screaming in foreign tongues,
clawing their way

through the crowds
at the airport.

Hmm-mmm.

I heard they were desperate
to get out of the
Soviet Union.

No, this was the baggage
area at Kennedy.

Oh, Mr. Bentley,
you must be exhausted.

Sit, relax, and tell us
all about Russia.

There's so much to tell.

I must have a thousand
and one stories.

I don't know where to begin.

How about with
the last one?

George.

Well, come on, Mr. Bentley,
tell us.

Did living in Russia
change you at all?

Absolutely not.

No, I tried to blend in with
the population and live
as the people there do.

You see?

You take Russian men,
for instance.

They have a taste for
strong borscht, strong vodka,
and strong women.

And you developed those
tastes yourself.

I did. And I've got the
heartburn, the headache,
and the backache to prove it.

Woof!

I just love it when
he says that.

No. The people were
just fascinating.

I visited one little village

that was nestled high in
the mountains of
Soviet Georgia

or Giorgia where the
inhabitants are known
for their longevity.

As a matter of fact,
the week I was there
one gentleman who was

years old was sh*t by
a jealous husband.

What? You mean that an
old geezer was
fooling around at a ?

I can't believe it.

No. Neither could his mother.

Well, tell me, Mr. Bentley.
What about the culture?

Did you see much opera
or theater, the ballet?
Mmm.

Oh yeah. I heard that
the Bolsky ballet is the
best in the world.

That's Bolshoi.
I agree.

Those Russians are
always bragging.

Anyway, Bentley.
So much for your trip.

Now, what about my presents
you brought me?

George! Where are
your manners?

Ah, as a matter of fact,
I have something
for everyone.

Eh!

Let's see now, um,

the ladies first.

Me first. Me first.
How Emily Post of you, Louise.

Let's see, I got you each a
bottle of the most popular
perfume in Moscow.

It's called "Volga Boatwoman."

Guaranteed not to
drive a man away.

That doesn't sound like much
of an endorsement.

Have you see some of
those Soviet women?

Woof?

Bow-wow. By the way,
where is Mr. Willis?

Oh, he had to work late.

Oh. What a shame.
Because I thought
he might enjoy this.

Oh, what is it?

It's a Russian
girlie magazine.

Let me see.

Oh.

But these women all have
on clothing.

Ah, yes, but they've got
nothing on underneath.

Mr. Bentley!

Bentley, what about me?
Where's my gift?

For you, Mr. J,
I have something very
special indeed.

Ta-da!

Levis?

Yes, those are
the hottest items on
the Russian Black market.

No pun intended.

Thank you, Bentley. I don't
think I've been this
moved by a gift in my life.

Hey Florence, you think I
can return these
without a receipt?

Sure. For me,
why don't you do it
in person?

Well, thank you, Mr. Bentley
and we're so glad to
have you back home.

FLORENCE AND HELEN: Yes.
Welcome home.

Thank you so much.

You know,
this reunion reminds me
of a story.

Great. See if you can finish
it before I get back.

Mr. Whittendale.
What brings you up
here?

Jefferson. May we come in?

No, no, no.
Maybe we should talk out here.

My wife is having a
"Save the Pigeon"
meeting in there.

Pigeons aren't endangered.
Well, don't thank me.
Thank my wife.

Anyway, I was going
to tell you,
Harry Bentley is...

Save it. I want you
to meet someone.

George Jefferson.
Roger Keller.

Nice to meet you.
Pleasure.

Like I was saying,
Harry Bentley is...

Unfortunately, Roger here
has a problem in his
apartment building.

There are some loud, obnoxious
people living next to him
that he can't stand.

Nothing irritates me more
than noisy neighbors.

Why don't you move to
another apartment?

That's what I told him.
Great minds think alike.

Anyway, like I was saying...

Well now, I figured it
was best if Roger met you

before he moved
into our building.

You'll love it here.

Oh, yeah, well uh...
What apartment are you
moving into?

This one.

You mean Bentley's apartment?
No, Keller's apartment.

Yeah, but you see...
You don't mind Roger moving
in, do you?

Well, I don't mind.
But I'm thinking about
Harry...

Great! I'm doing you a
big favor, Jefferson.

Good neighbors help each
other out. Maybe Roger here,
can let you in on

some of those real
estate deals he's
set up for me.

He has made me
a fortune.

Well look, Mr. Whittendale,
Harry... You said a fortune?

A couple of fortunes.
Several fortunes.

Now, what was that
about Harry Bentley?

Harry who?

And as I cradled her head
in my hands she
gazed up at me,

eyes aglow, and murmured...

Which means?

"My hair is caught in
your watchband."

Woof?
Woof-woof.

Well, Florence,
Mr. Bentley must be hungry.

Why don't you get the
hors d'oeuvres
out of the oven?

Okay. I just have to
do one thing first.

What's that?
Put them in the oven.

Same old Florence.

Hey Bentley!

If I was to ask you what was
the worst thing

that could possibly happen
to you, what would it be?

Uh, am I clothed or not?

Yeah, you're clothed.

Uh, George what are you
trying to say?

Well, I got some good news
and I got some bad news.

Oh, well you better give me
the bad news first, Mr. J,
I can take it.

That damn Whittendale
rented your apartment!

Oh, no. Why, that's terrible.
What?

Oh Lord. What could possibly
be the good news?

Well, I was
just kidding, Bentley.
There ain't no good news.

Well, this is a fine mess.

You promised
Mr. Bentley that you'd
take care of everything.

Weezy, General Custer
promised his wife he'd be
home for dinner.

Sometimes, things
just don't work out.

Well, I must say,
this certainly takes

the old "yahoo" out of
my homecoming.

Now, now, Mr. Bentley,
we'll get this settled.

Don't you let it spoil your
homecoming party.

Why, we have
all these decorations,
Louise and I are here,

Florence fixed all that
wonderful food...

Come on, Helen,
he's depressed enough already.

Well, it's not just being
without a home
that's depressing.

It's knowing that some
stranger is going to be the
recipient of all the wonderful

love and affection you've
lavished upon me
all these years.

Look, Bentley,
if it makes any difference,
I think the guy is a jerk,

a creep, and after what
that bum did to you,

he'll be lucky if I even
speak to him again.

Hey, Rog, ol' buddy.
How's my new neighbor?

Great. It is nice and quiet.
Look, I hate to disturb you,
Mr. Jefferson.

Why look,
you didn't disturb me.
Just call me George.

Just call me neighbor.
Just call me friend.
Just call me.

Thanks, George.
Look, the phone company
is coming over to my

apartment tomorrow
around .

If I left you my key,
would you mind letting
them in?

Oh well, I was supposed
to go to my granddaughter's
birthday party.

Oh, what the hell,
she's going to have
another one, right?

Be glad to!

Are you sure it's no
problem?

Look, it's no problem at all.
I mean, what else are
neighbors for?

Is there anything else I can
do for you?

No, this is plenty.
Thank you, George.

No, thank you.

He makes me sick.

Oh really? Oh well,
he seemed nice enough.

See that, Weezy? Just
because the guy smiles
and acts friendly

right away,
you think he's nice.

Women!

Well, I hate to be a
party pooper,

but I've got to go and
find a place to stay tonight.

Look, Bentley, I feel
responsible for this
whole thing.

Why don't you just
stay here?

Why, thank you, Mr. J.
But I couldn't impose
upon you.

But you're not imposing.

Florence won't mind sleeping
on the couch.

But George, I can make
up Lionel's old room for him.

At least stay
with us tonight.

Well, if you insist Mrs.
J, Mr. J, thank you.

But for one night only.

I couldn't stand to impose
upon you any longer
than that.

Really, Mr. Bentley, I can't
believe we've been
looking for an apartment

for you for eight weeks.

Well, Mrs. J,
perhaps that's because it's
only been eight days.

Did I say eight weeks?

I meant days.

I hope I'm not getting
on your nerves.

Oh no, not at all.

I'm sorry about
the : am showers.
It's an old habit.

Oh, don't worry about it.

I'm sorry about the midnight
forays into the kitchen.

I get hungry late at night.

Forget about it.

And being a bachelor,
I can't seem to remember
not to leave the seat up.

Now that I want to talk
to you about.

I just don't think there's a
single, available apartment
left in New York.

Oh don't worry, Mr. Bentley.

You'll find something soon.
I'm sure of it.

Perhaps I'm being too picky.
I should've taken that
place we saw yesterday.

But you said it was
crawling with roaches.

Yes, but they're quiet.

But don't forget, every window
in the place was broken.

Well all right. I didn't
say it was perfect.

But you have to admit,
the rent was good.

That's true, I just didn't
like the idea of you
leaving a suitcase

full of unmarked bills in
a phone booth.

Well, I'm not going to
let these minor setbacks
get me down.

Now, I learned two
things on my trip
to Russia.

Never give up, and never,
ever sleep in a yak pasture.

The last one I learned the
hard way.

Oh, my goodness.
I've got to get going.

I have an appointment to
see an apartment.

You see. Maybe your luck is
turning around.

Oh, I hope so.
Here's the description.

"Cold water flat, no view,
easy access up to subway."

Wish me luck.

Florence, we've got to help
Mr. Bentley get his
apartment back.

I know. But frankly, I don't
see no hope of getting
that new guy out of there.

I mean I guess we're
just too nice to
live next to.

But we don't have to
be too nice
to live next door to.

We could be the worst
neighbors in the world.

How do you expect us
to do that?

Well, what do people hate
to live next door to the most?

Black people.

But they've seen you all
already and it don't seem to
make no difference.

No! They hate noisy neighbors.

Now we are going to make so
much racket that Mr. Keller

is not going to want to stay
here another minute.

Now, get me some
pots and pans,
and a wooden spoon.

Mrs. Jefferson! I don't know
how such a silly scheme
came out of your mouth.

That's not the way
to do things.

You're right.

You gotta use
a metal spoon, honey.
Makes more noise.

Hey, Weez.
How's everything going?

Oh, George,
I'm glad you're home.

Turn the stereo on, loud.

Now we must have some
party noisemakers around
here someplace.

We are driving
Mr. Keller out!

Uh, do you really think
that's gonna drive him out?

Of course. Then we can
get Mr. Bentley's
apartment back.

Now scoot!

Uh, yeah.
As a matter, I think

I'll just go out here in the
hallway and be really
obnoxious.

Oh, okay. But I don't
think just talking to
him will do it.

Yes, George?
Hey, Rog, ol' buddy.

I want to talk to you
a minute. See.

We're doing a little
construction over here
next door you know,

and the noise might come
seeping through a little bit.

You mean that?

Yeah, well. I guess I
let the cat out of the bag.

I might as well tell you
the whole story.

You see, we're building
you a monument.

What?
A monument!

Well, do you think you
can hold up construction
till I leave?

What?

I'm jetting down to...

Wait a minute.

Hey, quiet!
I think he's breaking.

What were you saying?

I was saying, I'm jetting
down to Key West tonight

to work out a big land deal.
And...

Hey, this might interest you.

I'm putting together a
consortium that is gonna
make some big bucks.

Ah, big bucks are the
best bucks.

Then why don't you fly
down with me?

You can stay on my
yacht, swim, fish,
catch a little sun,

come home a
rich man.

Yeah. Sounds like a lot of
work, but that's what makes
a big businessman, right?

Great. Then be here at six.

Yeah. Okay. With fins on.

Oh, and, George,
it's just the guys.

Do you mind leaving the
wife at home?

Nah. I never mix marriage
with pleasure.

All right!

Who do you think
you are?

Boy, I sure would like
to tell that guy off.

Mr. J, hello. I just
forgot my map to
Hell's Kitchen.

Oh, Bentley. I didn't see
you stand here.

I must be blind with rage.

Mr. Keller again?

Don't mention his name.

You really dislike him,
don't you?

Look Bentley, you know I
get along with everybody,
but this guy just bugs me.

Well, why don't
you tell him off?

Bentley, I don't have
a mean bone in
my body.

You coming in?

Yeah. Momentarily.
Momentarily.

Weezy, where are
my deck shoes?

In the closet.
Thanks.

Did we drive Mr. Keller
crazy with this noise?

Oh, let me tell you.
I just found out Keller
really likes noise.

In fact, he prefers noise.

He even wears loud clothes.

What?

Now we have to
be extra quiet and drive
him crazy.

You're vicious, Weez.

By the way, do you know
where are my wrap-around
sunglasses are?

In your top drawer.
Thank you.

I hope this quiet trick works.

I hate to see
Mr. Bentely homeless.

And not only that, we're
stuck with a neighbor that's
making George miserable.

Hey, Weez.

What do I look better in, my
orange swim trunks or my
black swim trunks?

George, will you forget
about those trunks?

We're trying to help
Mr. Bentley.
Who?

Mr. Bentley!
Shhh.

Mr. Jefferson, we have
got to get Mr. Bentley
back in his apartment.

Look Florence, it's only a
-year lease.

In years, Keller will
move out and we'll be
back in business.

Oh, Mr. Jefferson, please.

You sound like you don't
care about
Mr. Bentley at all.

Care? Weezy, I care.

I'm bleeding inside
for the guy.

I can't think of nothin' else.

Where's my cocoa butter?

George, what's with all
these questions?

And where are you going?
Shh.

To another stinking, boring,
miserable business trip.

I'll get it.

Howdy, neighbor.
Cut the "howdy neighbor"
bull, Jefferson.

I understand you said
some pretty nasty
things about me.

What? Where did you
hear that?

Hi, Mr. J.

Come on,
let it all out, Mr. J.

It's much more honest
that way.

And Mr. Keller here,
appreciates honesty. Right?
Right.

So, did you call me a
creep, and a jerk, and say
I made you sick?

Well, yeah. But only with
the utmost, respect.

Say, do you have any
cocoa butter?

You won't be needing any.

Oh? No sun?

No. No you.

But I thought you said
you liked honesty.

I do. I just don't
like people who
don't like me.

In other words, I never
want to see you again.

So, in other words, on
the yacht, just stay
below deck, right?

No, in other words,
just stay home.

I don't need neighbors
like you.

Say, does that mean you
won't be needing
the apartment?

That's right. And by the way,
Bentley, I want to thank you

for clueing me in
on my ex-neighbor.

Maybe I can return the
favor. I am flying down to
Key West tonight.

How would you like to join me?

I'd love it.

Great. Then be at the
airport at six.

I'll be there.

Mr. J, we did it!

You've lost an annoying
neighbor and I've got
my apartment back.

Oh, Mr. J, it's gonna
be like old times.

You wanna see old times?
I'll show you old times!