10x11 - What Makes Sammy Run?

[bunniefuu]

in the sky

a piece of the pie

in the kitchen

on the grill

in the big leagues

it's you and me, baby

with that

in the sky

a piece of the pie

What?

That's a seven.
What's a seven?

Three and four,
that's seven.

Weezy, I thought
you were trying to relax?

Oh, I am.

I'm very relaxed.

I'm probably the most
relaxed person
in the whole world.

C'mon, Weez, you know
you not having any fun.

Why don't you go back to
work at the Help Center?

Because they won't let me.

They think I'm overworked
that I put in too many hours.

Isn't that ridiculous?

Well, it's obvious
you not relaxed with me
around, so I'm going to work.

Well, George,
wait a minute.

You need to relax, too.

I know that that's why
I'm going to work.

Well,
that's enough of that.

Oh, Florence,
am I glad to see you.

Come here, relax with me.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Jefferson.
I have to do the bedroom.

Oh, come on.
But I really do...

Sit down and join me.

Now, I have
a little problem.

You see, I have three weeks
of nothing to do

and I don't really know
how to handle it.

I wish you'd told me this
before I did the dishes.

I'm serious, Florence,
now how do you manage
to stay so relaxed?

Okay,
here's a perfect example.
You hear that?

Yes.
I don't.

But that could be
somebody important.

Not to me.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I've got to get the door.

Okay, that brings us to
my first step in relaxation.

What.
I'm going to let you.

Good morning,
Mrs. Jefferson, ma'am.

Oh, Ralph,
it's good to see you.

I have some mail here
for Mr. Jefferson.

I rushed it right up because
it looked rather uh, urgent.

I thought he might like
to read it right away.

Oh, Well, he's not here.

Uh, in that case, I'll just
rush it along to some other
"current resident."

Ralph, since you're here,
I don't have a thing to do.

Why don't we chat
for a while?

I'd like that ma'am,
but as you know
time is money.

So, if you have the money,
I've got the time.

Let's boogie.

Uh, ma'am,
the meter's running.

Oh, well, uh, Ralph,

there's something
I've always wanted
to ask you.

Uh, this, title "doorman"

it's so ambiguous.

What exactly does
a doorman do?

I open doors.

Doors is it?

Well, tell me this,
how the heck do they
get closed?

Good day, ma'am.

Oh, wait, Ralph.

I thought we were
going to talk for a while.

We haven't even touched
on your uniform yet.

Ma'am, here's a twist,
I'm gonna give you a tip.

Get a pet.

Ralph, I'm sorry
if I'm boring you,

but like I said
I don't have
anything to do.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

But the job of boring me
is already taken by my wife.

Oh, let me get
that for you.

Thank you.
Thank you, very much.

You're Sammy Davis, Jr.!

Shh!

I don't want anyone
to know I'm here.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You're Sammy Davis, Jr.!

Now that we've discovered
that, I'll be on my way.

Oh, well...
Oh, oh!

Oh, how clumsy of me.

I hope you don't have
anything fragile in here.

Oh, no. Just crystal.

Why don't you put that
on top of the other
damaged goods?

Do you live around here?

Well, let me explain,
it to you, Mrs...

Jefferson.

But you can
call me "darling."

Look, lady.

My wife and my doctor
decided that I should
take six weeks off

from show business
and everything else

and go someplace
and totally relax.

Now for the last five weeks
I've tried that

but everywhere I went,
they knew me.

I guess doing that soap opera
wasn't such a good idea
after all.

Well, anyway, I decided
I would try and lose myself
in my home town.

The biggest city
in the country.

Really?
And what happened next?

I sublet this apartment.

Wow!

I want you to promise me
that you won't tell
anyone I'm here.

Oh, you can count on me,
Sammy.

Oh, mind if I
call you that?

Course not.
Since we're never going to
see each other again.

You know, Sammy,
you and I have
something in common.

That's Funny.
You don't look Jewish.

No, no, you see,
you're here for a week
to relax,

and I'm taking
three weeks off
right now to relax.

Isn't life funny?

Not from where
I'm standing.

Seeing as we have
so much in common,

I was wondering
if you could do me one

teeny, tiny,
weeny favor?

What?

Well, I would like to invite
all of my friends down
to my apartment

and have you sing
"Candy Man"?

No!

Some of my friends?

Look,
you have to promise me,

that you will not tell
a single soul that
you've seen me.

All right.
Because this is it...

Oh well, I promise.
Okay.

Now, don't help me.
Don't help me
with the packages.

Please Mrs. Jefferson,
don't help me.

I'll get into this apartment
on my own. Okay?

It was nice seeing you.

I promise I won't tell
if you sing one verse of me.

the sunrise...

Oh, Florence!

Florence!

Yes, Mrs. Jefferson?

Oh, you'll never guess
what just happened to me.

What happened?

I can't tell you.

Then you're right.
I'll never guess.

All I can tell you is
that this is something

that if you knew
what it was,

boy, would you be upset
with me for not telling you.

Ooh, I want to thank you
for thinking of my feelings,

I wouldn't want to be
upset with you.

the sunrise...

Oh, yes.
Harold O'Steen, reporter,
National Investigator.

If you believe it,
we'll print it.

What can I do for you?

I'm trying to get
an interview with
Sammy Davis, Jr.,

but he's not being
too cooperative.

Sammy Davis, Jr.?

Yeah, I've been chasing
him all over the country,
but I can't pin him down.

We got a tip
he was in New York,

and according to your
doorman, he's somewhere
in this building here.

You seen him?
No, I haven't seen him.

If you steered me on
to him we'd mention your
name in the story.

I, I can't help you.
And we pay well
for information.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Two thousand bucks.

Two thousand bucks?

Child, how do you want him?
Dead or alive?

Ooh, $.

Florence,
I'd Introduce you,

but apparently
you already know who
Mr. O'Steen is.

Oh yeah,
I just love your paper.

It's so full of
interesting articles.

Like that cover story
last week...

"Man with two noses
marries woman with no face.
Transplant expected."

You know, Dan Rather
don't give you
no news like that.

That's why he doesn't
work for the Investigator.

Well, here's my card.

Call me if you see Sammy
or a child

under the age of eight
lifting an automobile.

Ooh, $.
Do you know how many
dollars that is?

Oh, Florence, you're not
going to involve yourself
in this dumb search, are you?

Mrs. Jefferson, I respect
a celebrity's right
to privacy

just like anybody else.

Oh, good.

I wonder if they'll pay
extra for Altovese?

Oh, where you off to?

The army surplus store.

What for?

A metal detector.

Y'see, I figure
with all that jewelry
Sammy wears

it's the quickest way
to find him.

SAMMY: Who is it?

Your only friend.

The one who broke
your crystal.

Are you alone?

Yes.

Then you go
find somebody.

Oh, come on, Sammy,
this is important.

No, no, no, Sammy.

I've got terrible news.

You're twins?

No, my maid and the
National Investigator
are on to you.

I sang Candy Manfor you.

Oh, I didn't tell anybody.

They just know that
you're in the building.

They don't know
exactly where.

Good.
Oh, they tried to grill me,
oh, but I played it cool.

You know like you did
in Ocean's Eleven.

You remember that scene?
Yes.

Look, Mrs. Jefferson,

I came here to relax
and this is not
very relaxing.

Then how about some coffee?

I don't have any coffee.

Oh, perfect.
Then we could go
and relax in my place.

Caffeine and you.

Oh, now come on.
You owe me.

I owe you?

Okay, okay, the truth is,

I want a picture of you
sitting on my couch

and I can't very well bring
the couch over to your place.

Well, that's true,
not the way
you drop things.

Mrs. Jefferson,
are you sure
we're alone in here?

Of course,
I'll prove it to you.

Sammy Davis Jr. is here!

See? Nobody.

Oh, I just remembered
we have to wait here
until my maid gets back.

She took the camera.

Mrs. Jefferson,

I can't wait here until
your maid gets back,

because she'll see me.

Right.
Hmm.

Ah, I have an
instamatic in the bedroom.

I'll go get it.
I'll be right back.

Have a seat.
All right.

LOUISE: Sammy,
can you get that?

Oh, I didn't mean that.

Who is it?

GEORGE: It's me, Weez.

It's my husband!

Your husband?
Yes!

Let me in.
I forgot my key.

I've got to hide you.

GEORGE: I forgot my keys.

Coming dear...

What you got
the chain on for?
It's the middle of the day.

Oh, you know me.
Chains help me
relax better.

Oh yeah, great, look.

We gotta get to the airport
in minutes.

What?
We gotta sign the Peterson
contracts today.

Why do I have to go?

Because you're percent
of Jefferson Cleaners

and we've got to sign today
or the deals off.

So c'mon, Peterson's plane
leaves in minutes.

George, I can't go.
What?

I can't go. I won't go.

I absolutely refuse
to leave this apartment.

Great. We'll talk about it
on the way.

Oh, come on, Weez.

Better take this,
looks like rain.

Boy.

It ain't fit for
a dog out there.

I thought we were only
going to stay for
minutes?

Hey, I'm not the one
that turned over
the delivery truck.

Could you believe it, Weez?

Hog head cheese all over
the Long Island Expressway.

Is it letting up any?
Not much.

I need a drink.
Oh, no.

You better go change
clothes, George.

But I'm not that wet.

No buts, just go change.

And do it very slowly.

Research shows
that the breeze from
changing wet clothes

too fast can
cause pneumonia.

Oh!

You would be
so proud of me.

I was stuck in a cab
with my husband
for three hours

and I didn't say
a word about you.

C'mon, you'll feel better
once we get you
into your apartment.

Oh, hurry up,
get in here!

Well...

You back so soon?

It is coming down
in buckets out there.

Ooh, you know what,

I'm gonna sit down where
it's nice and warm and dry

in here and watch TV.

Oh, no.
You can't do that!

Why not?
Because I'm giving you
the week off.

Thanks, Mrs. Jefferson.

Don't thank me, just pack!

Wouldn't you know
a vacation in the rain?

Close call, huh?

I don't know about you,
but I'm having the time
of my life.

I am leaving now,
Mrs. Jefferson

and there is nothing
that you can say,
I repeat,

nothing you can say,

that will stop me.

Quick, the bathroom!

No, please,
not the bathroom,

it's too small
in that bathroom,
I get claustrophobic.

Oh, well, uh,
the closet.

This is much better.

Oh, hi, Helen.

Hi, Louise.

Well, may I come in?

No!
Why not?

Uh, uh, I have to go
to the bathroom.

Well, don't let me
stop you.

Look, I just want to pick up
the blue sweater I left
down here yesterday.

Is it in the closet?
No!

I mean, yes!
I mean, I'll get it.

Oh, thank you.

Who are you
talking to, Louise?

My coats.

I always talk to my coats
that hang in the closet.

Y'see they can't think,
and they don't know

that you're going to
wear them again in the winter
unless you tell then.

Louise!
Yeah.

You do remember
the phone number
for the Help Center?

Yes.
Use it.

Ah...

Well, Sammy,
now that you've seen
most of the house...

What do you think
of the place?

Mrs. Jefferson...

Mrs. Jefferson...
I have never spent

a more miserable day
in my life.

Oh, C'mon, Sammy,
I saw Cannonball Run.

That's a cheap sh*t.

I'm leaving now.

I mean leaving.

I'm going.

This is it.
Tu fini.

I am finished!

Oh, but Sammy,
you're forgetting something.
What?

What?

Our picture
on the couch.

You want me...

Rain, bathroom,

closet and you still
want a picture?

You got a lot of
chutzpah, lady.

True, but not many friends.

Oh!
Ah!

You know the routine!
I will hide.

I had to check
on something.

I got a report that
Sammy Davis, Jr. was seen
crying in the rain

on your balcony with
a pigeon on his head.

Well, actually,
I did see Mr. Davis.

He was leaving out
of the lobby with
a suitcase.

Oh, yeah?

Where was he going?

To Zimbabwe.

Great!
I hear it's beautiful
this time of year.

By the way,
we're looking for other
eyewitness stories, too.

You seen any
U.F.O's lately?

No.
You can lie.

Sorry.

Well anyway, if you grow
another limb or see h*tler

or anything,
give us a buzz.

I gotta tell you that
I do appreciate that.

Sammy, I have to apologize
for all the mess that's
happened today.

Oh, Mrs. Jefferson,
please, don't sweat.

Now, would you...

Would you like
to take that picture?

Oh, Sure!

But you gotta do me
one teeny tiny
little favor?

Oh, Anything.

Please,
get off my foot?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

But on the bright side...
Yes.

I'm still the only
one who knows
that you're here.

You're right.

Hey, Weez,
you seen my
electric razor.

Hey, Sammy.

Sammy Davis, Jr.!

You were the only one.