10x20 - George's Old Girlfriend

[bunniefuu]

in the sky

a piece of the pie

in the kitchen

on the grill

in the big leagues

it's you and me, baby

with that

in the sky

a piece of the pie

GEORGE: Florence,
get the door.

You're closer.

Now Miss
Jefferson's closer.

Okay, I'll get the door.

But you people are rich.
Y'all oughta hire somebody
to do this sort of thing.

Oh, hello, Florence.

Oh, hi, Ralph.

Good morning, Mr.
and Mrs. Jefferson.

Of course, that's a bit
redundant, because any
morning with you two in it

is bound to be
a good one.

Why, that's very
well-rehearsed
of you, Ralph.

Now, what can
I do for you?

Well, I was just bringing
up your mail.

Hey, Ralph, look,
I was wondering if
you'd do me a favor.

A favor, sir?
That's fine with me.

See, I got this
loudmouth client flying in
from Chicago tomorrow.

You know, he's a real
jerk, but it could be
a good account for me.

So I want you to hire
the biggest limousine
you can find,

pick him up at the airport,
and drive him over
to his hotel

so he's out of
my hair.

Well, sir, I wouldn't do
that for just anybody, but
this guy sounds like

he's a pretty
special friend.

Right. Oh, Ralph,
here's his itinerary.

Now look, take care
of this for me, Ralph.
It's important.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir...

Oh, yeah.
Hmm. Here you are.

Don't you worry, sir.
My motto is, "I never
let a man down

"who gives me
bucks."

Hey, I got a motto.
Wanna hear it?

Love to.

I pulled a fast one
on Ralph.

I didn't give him
the buck for the mail.

Anything in there
for me?

Yeah. This.

It's perfumed.
And it says,
"sealed with a kiss."

Do you know
who it's from?
Probably the phone company.

Yvonne McBride.

Yvonne McBride?

George, isn't that
the name of the girl
you were dating

before you met me?

Look, Weezy, there
was no "before you."

I don't believe it.

What? That she
would write?

No. That somebody else
was dumb enough
to go out with him.

I mean...
You know what I mean.

Look, Florence, I'll have
you know that I was

considered quite
a catch in my time.

In fact, I was such a lady
k*ller, I thought my name was,

"Oh, oh, oh, George."

Are you sure that wasn't,
"Grow, George"?

Florence, don't you have
something better to do?

Something? Yes.

Something better? No.

Yvonne McBride.
I can't believe this.

Oh, wait a minute, George.
Aren't you going to read it?

Yeah. Right now.
Anything that smells
like that

should be read out here.

Weezy, I think
you're jealous.

No, I'm not.
You are.

I am not.
Okay, then, I'll
read it in the bathroom.

Freeze.

Look at you.
I can't believe that
you're really jealous.

Well, I just know
how much you were
stuck on Yvonne.

And I just wanted
to see what she had
to say, that's all.

I wasn't stuck on Yvonne.
She was stuck on me.

You were stuck on her.
In fact, the whole
neighborhood was.

She used to wear her
sweaters so tight that
you could bounce

a quarter off her cleavage.

Weezy, you oughta be
ashamed of yourself,
being jealous of something

that happened over
years ago.

I never put down one of
your old boyfriends.

I'm not putting her down.
I'm merely stating the truth.

How do you know
it's the truth?

Because that's what you
told Gregory Parks.

And when I dated him,
he repeated it to me.

What? You dated
Gregory Parks?
"Goose Neck" Parks?

I certainly did.

Florence, c'mere,
you gotta hear this.

You should have
seen this guy.
His neck was so long

they used to stick
a rim in his mouth and
practice sh**ting baskets.

Well, Gregory isn't
sending me perfumed letters.

Now, open it up and let's
see what it says.

All right!
Wait a minute.

Should I be hear
to listen to this?

Why not? You save yourself
the trouble of putting
the glass up to the wall.

Okay.

No, no, no. "Dear George,

"I'm back in town.
Can't wait to see you.

"I'll drop by Saturday
the th at :.

"See you then. Yvonne."

Saturday.
That's tomorrow, Weez.

What am I gonna do?

Just pray that the years
have been as cruel to
her as they have to you.

George, if you really
want to see Yvonne,
that's fine with me.

Really, Weez?

That's right. And if that's
really your decision,

I'm behind you %.

Information. The number
of Gregory Parks, please.

What is this?
I thought you just
said you trust me.

I certainly do.
But it's Yvonne
I don't trust.

I mean, what if she's
still crazy about you
after all these years?

Oh, come on, Weezy.
You know that's only natural.

I mean, any time
a woman's in my
presence, I grow on her.

Yeah. Like a wart.

Look, Weezy, I don't love
Yvonne. I love you.

Yeah, I know.

It's just that I can't
be rude to her, that's all.

I mean, I'm sure she's
been looking forward to this
day for a long time.

I mean, I know if
I didn't spend enough time
with me, I'd wanna see me.

Well, I guess I have been
acting kind of infantile.

Oh, come on, Weez,
I wouldn't say infantile.

Juvenile, maybe.

Well, George, why don't
you have this meeting
with Yvonne tomorrow.

And Florence and I can
go out shopping, so we
won't disturb you.

Oh, thanks, Weez.

Mr. Jefferson,
do you know what
a saint you're married to?

Man, if I was married to you,
I'd stomp your little
behind so deep in the ground

you would shake
hands with the devil.

Well, George, you just do
what you have to do.

And while you're out with
Yvonne tomorrow, I trust you.

I respect you.

And I have complete
faith in you.

Thanks, Weez.

You wouldn't be
offended if I tape
this little get together?

Oh... Come on, Weez,
you ain't got nothing
to worry about.

Look, I got everything
under control.

I'm gonna keep this
thing very low key.

Very low key.
Okay?

All right, so I'm responsible
for the seven cleaning stores.

The good looks? Well,
you have to give that credit
to the big guy upstairs.

Hey...

Yvonne, you're even
lovelier than I remember.

You're even lovelier
than I remember.

You're even lovelier
than I remember.

You having a slow
day, Mr. J?

What do
you want, Bentley?

Oh, I came here
to invite you over
to my apartment.

We're right in the
middle of my first
annual trivia party.

Your what party?

Trivia, Mr. J. You
know, where a group of
people gather together

and exchange bits of
information that are
totally useless.

You'd be a smash.

Well, while you're getting
out, I'll think it over.

Well, just let me
whet your appetite
with this little stumper

I got from the Ambassador
from Kuwait.

In the original
Kuwaiti television series
Love That Ahmed,

who played the wacky
neighbor Habib?

Who cares, Bentley?

Was it A, Ali Hassan,
B, Hamad Fa-Hebe,

or C, McLean Stevenson?

I'll give you a hint,
the show was canceled.

Yvonne. Why, you're even
lovelier than I remembered.

Yvonne, you're
even lovelier...

You know, Yvonne,
you're lovelier than I...

Yvonne!

How you doing, girl?

Hey, look at you.
Come on in here.

Okay.

Here, let me take
your coat.
Okay.

Oh, whoa, whoa...

Wow, you are
looking good, girl.

Well, thanks, George.

Have a seat.
Ah, ah, ah.

Long time no see.
Oh, too long.

Can I get you a drink?

Uh, no, thanks, George.
I didn't come here
to drink.

Mmm, mmm, mmm...
Boy, Father Time sure
has been good to you.

Oh, to you, too, George.

Yeah, he loves me.

Uh, listen, George,
um, are we alone?

Mmm.
You don't waste time,
do you?

Yes, we're alone.
But look, uh...

Look, Yvonne,

I know why you're here,
and I can't blame you.

Oh, really?
Yeah, I know you still
have feelings for me.

But you gotta remember,
there are other guys
such as I,

such men as Cary Grant,

and, um, well, there's gotta
be somebody else in the middle
of the country somewhere.

Okay, look, look,
before you say anything...
Uh, George...

I'm married.

Oh. Well, George, I'm
sorry, but you...

No, it's cool.
She's a good woman.

Uh, no, no, no, no.
I think there's been a little
misunderstanding here.

You see, uh, I
didn't come to make no
move on you, George.

Oh, no? What'd you
come here for then?

Oh, I came here
to k*ll you.

Good one.

What's so funny?

What do you mean,
"What's so funny?"

You and that g*n,
that's what's funny.

You know, you had me
fooled for a minute.
I thought it was real.

So tell me, what happens
when you pull the trigger?

M&Ms come
out, right?

No. Actually, the
salesman said
these b*ll*ts here...

...come out.

Oh. No chance of them
melting in your mouth, huh?

Why do you wanna k*ll me?
I thought we were having
such a good time here.

Look, I know
I'm not the greatest
host in the world,

but most of our
friends either leave
or tell me to shut up

before they go for
their g*n, you know.

Sit down, George.

Look, I don't
understand...
I said sit down.

Look, I mean, why do
you wanna sh**t me?

I mean, there are
a lot of other guys who
deserve it more than I do.

You ever watch
daytime television?

You ever think
about me, George?

Of course.
In fact, right now.

I mean, have you
ever wondered what
my life has been like

these last years?

Well, of course I have.
You never called.

Well, I tried. I called
you thousands of times.
I could never get you.

You were probably
in the shower.

Same old George.
You know you haven't
changed a bit?

Well, you neither.
Except for the g*n.

Just so you know,
I wound up married
to Kenny Williamson.

Kenny Williamson?
My man, Kenny.
Oh, a great guy.

He's a dog.
Yes, he is.

Alcoholic, too.
Hmm.

I found that out soon
after we moved to Baltimore.

Baltimore? Boy, did I
party in Baltimore.
That's a great town.

It's a hole.
Yes, it is.

And naturally, since Kenny
couldn't get no work,
he whiled away the time

turning me into
a baby making machine.

We had five children.

Oh, that's great.
How are they doing?

Two in prison.

Two on dr*gs.

And my little girl,
I don't even know
where she is.

Hmm. Well, you know
how kids are.

I mean, sometimes
they misbehave.
Like my son, Lionel.

Here's his picture.

Lionel used to like to
take sandwiches to his
bedroom at night, you know?

I used to find sandwiches
under the bed
all hard and crusty.

It's not the same thing.

It's not. Okay.
Look, Yvonne,

why don't you put
down the g*n so we
can talk about it?

And then you know what?

Kenny left me for
a -year-old girl!

Oh, that's too bad.
You forgot one thing.

What's that?

Put down the g*n.

I'll put it down when
I'm through with it.

Take your time.
Thank you.

But what do I have
to do with any of this?

I mean, Kenny's the one
that did you wrong.

Kenny is not around.
But I expected that.

I always figured
he'd run off like that.

I even prepared
myself for it, so it was
no big surprise.

But you know what was?
What?

You.
Me?

I've been watching you,
you know.

Oh, you have?
What do you expect?

I open a newspaper,
there you are.

I turn on the radio,
the TV, your commercials
are all over the place.

Everywhere I look,
I turn, I see you!

That's why I decided
to k*ll you.

Yvonne, for what?
For making me
feel like a fool.

Making you feel
like a fool?

Oh, I watch you
walking in and out
of this fancy building

with your fancy suits,
and your fancy wife.

"Oh, George, hurry.
We're gonna be late
for the ballet."

"Oh, George, it's cold.
I need my stole."

Oh, Yvonne...
Don't touch me.
Sit down.

Sit down! Sit down.

Okay, I understand
life has been rough
for you, Yvonne.

I mean, it hasn't been easy
for me either, you know.

Oh, George, please...

I'm telling you.
You think I'm rich, right?

This apartment,
this is all a front.

What about
the cleaners?

The cleaners? Oh... Oh,
I know, you think those
stores are making money?

Well, I got news for you,
they're losing money.

All seven?
That's right.

That's why I got seven.

One store covers the other
store's back. You know?

The Brooklyn store
covers the Bronx store.

The Bronx store
covers the Queens store.

It's getting so bad,
I might have to buy
an eighth and ninth store,

just so I can
make it through
the rest of the year.

Do I look that
stupid to you?

No, you don't.
But it's the truth.

I'm telling you.

Look, you see this
suit? Five years old!

This furniture,
years old.

What about your wife?

Well, she's older than
both of them.

I am talking about the
furs and the jewelry.

Those are all rented.
Everything is rented.

Who is that?
I don't know.

Uh, probably
the credit bureau.

Last time they came and
they kicked the door down.

Look, I better open it,
or else they're gonna
think something's wrong.

Go ahead.

Look, just remember,
I'm not rich. Okay?

You see
this painting here?

I couldn't even afford
to have people in it.

Get that door.

Just don't forget,
I'm not rich.

I got your limousine,
Mr. Jefferson, sir.

And might I add,
she's a real beauty.

Color TV,
wet bar, telephone.

Just like you said,
the best of everything.
And I spared no expense.

Now, will you
be needing me
for anything else?

No, Ralph, um, why don't
you sh**t back downstairs now?

Yes, sir.
As long as everything's
all right with the limo.

Wait! Wait!
Uh, Ralph, the limo.

You know, I'm not too
keen on color television sets.

So when you sh**t
back downstairs,

send up a black
and white, okay?

A black and white
television set, sir?

Ralph, send up
a black and white!

Yes, sir.
But I'm afraid the limos
don't come that way.

I think I can get one
without a set, then rent
you my portable.

Ralph!
No, no, no, no.
Don't worry, sir.

It's not as though
you can't afford it.

That Ralph,
boy, is he a kidder.

Limousine.
Limousine...

Look, that's a sandwich.
They sell it over at the deli.

It's something like
a submarine sandwich.

Only it's longer
and crispier.

Limousine, furs,
the ballet.

You have really
got it made, haven't you?

Okay, so I'm rich.
So what?

Is that what you wanna hear?
No, that is not
what I wanna hear!

I wanna hear that all of this
should have been mine!

This could have been
mine! But you dumped me!

Remember?
You left me just
like Kenny did!

That's a lie!
But I'm willing to listen
to your side.

That was my side.

What is the matter with
you? You act like the
world is over or something.

Look at you.
You still got your
health and strength.

You're smart.
You can get a job.

Oh, yeah. Build up
a little nest egg, huh?
Exactly.

Shut up.
Exactly.

How would you feel
starting all over
again at this age?

Let me tell you
something, George.

If the tables had
been turned, and you were
coming to me like this,

you'd understand.

Damn it, George,
people are thinking about
retiring at this age,

and we would have been!

But you never
gave me a chance!

What are you talking
about? I wanted to spend
time with you,

but I had to work.
I didn't have the time.

Liar!

Can I get the door?

Yeah. But you pull
that "sh**t downstairs"
stuff again,

and you are in trouble.

I also want you
to know, I'm hip to
the "black and white."

I better not hear
nothing about black
and white again, either.

Now, this ain't my fault.

Excuse me, George.
We didn't realize that
you had company.

Don't worry about it,
Willis. What's the problem?

Uh, George, we were at
Mr. Bentley's trivia party,

and we had a slight
disagreement that maybe
you can help us solve.

Yes. Now in the TV show
The Rifleman,

how many times did
Chuck Connors sh**t
his g*n?

Now, you remember how
the show started...

Bang, bang, bang, bang,
bang, bang, bang!

No, Tom. Chuck Connors
was a lefty, and there
were eight sh*ts.

He went, bang, bang,
bang, bang, bang,
bang, bang, bang!

Helen, I watched that show
religiously, and you're wrong.

It was bang,
bang, bang, bang,
bang, bang, bang.

What do you
think, George?

You don't wanna know
what I think.

Oh, he doesn't know.

Excuse me, miss.
But are you familiar with
the TV show The Rifleman?

No, no. I'm sorry.
I don't know.

The very subject of g*ns
scares me to death.

Oh, really? Well, she
doesn't know either.
Let's go, Helen.

And I still insist that
it was seven sh*ts.

Wrong, Tom, it was eight.
I say seven.

Eight, Tom.
Seven!

Eight!
Back up from that door.

Look, you're making
a big mistake, Yvonne.

Oh, it wouldn't be
the first one for either
one of us, would it?

Oh, now, you're
talking about me
dumping you again?

I'm telling you,
I didn't do that.

I never got over you.

Oh, is that right?
That's right.

I'm telling you the truth.
Isn't it obvious?

Can't you see?

I never think about
anybody but you.

Mmm-hmm... Is that right?
That's right.

How 'bout when you
married your wife?

Yeah. Even then.
In fact, as I was
slipping the ring

on Weez's finger, I was
saying to myself,

"Yvonne's got fingers."

I oughta slap you upside
the face with this g*n.

I'm telling you
the truth, Yvonne.

Even when I named
my son Lionel.

If you'll notice, both Lionel
and Yvonne have
six letters each.

They both end with an "E".

Lionel don't end
with no "E".

Well, I wanted it to.

Look, I'm... Yvonne,
I'm sure we can
talk this thing out.

What do you want from me, huh?

Money? You want,
you wanna marry me?

You, you want me
to pity you?

No, George. You have
done more than enough
for me already.

Oh, give it...
g*n... Oh!

Ah!

Who is it?

TOM: It's me, George.

Uh, excuse me, George.
But Helen and I were
wondering, where's Louise?

Okay. Now,
how do you feel

looking down...

The barrel of a g*n, huh?

I should have k*lled you
when I had the chance.

Uh-huh. You're wrong.

No, no, no.
All of this could have
never been yours.

You wanna know why, Yvonne?
Because you're the one
who never changed.

You always wanted things
the easy way.

And you want things
the easy way now!

Easy?
That's right!

You wanted to have fun.
I had to work.

So you ran off with Kenny.
I was making
a buck fifteen a day.

But that wasn't
good enough, right?

Kenny had a car.
Kenny had money.

Kenny had this.
Kenny had that.

Well, one thing you
didn't realize, Kenny was
a numbers runner.

And you don't get
a gold watch for being
a numbers runner.

We were kids!
Well, I grew up!

I never blamed anybody
for anything I did.

But you, you blame everybody.

You blame Kenny,
you blame your kids.

You blame me.
Well, what about you?

Why don't you
blame yourself, huh?

You didn't
have a choice?

No, you wanted to
have fun. See, Louise
wasn't like that.

Louise wasn't interested
in fun. She was
interested in me.

So, baby, you are wrong.

None of this could have
ever been yours, because
if I had followed you,

I would have followed
a different road,
and I wouldn't have

had none of this
to give to you!

What are you doing?

What do you think
I'm doing? I'm calling
the cops.

And where do you
think you're going?
Back to Baltimore.

And you'll never call
the police on me, George.

Oh, no? You just stand
there and watch.

You'll never do it.

What, do you think you
can come in here,
put a g*n to my head,

and think I'm gonna
feel sorry for you?

That's exactly
what I think.

And that's why you're
not gonna call the police.

Because you know why?

Deep down inside you
probably care more about me

than I care about myself.

You're right, Yvonne.
I always did.