10x21 - Honeymoon Hotel

[bunniefuu]

in the sky

a piece of the pie

in the kitchen

on the grill

in the big leagues

It's you and me, baby

with that

in the sky

a piece of the pie

Well, here it is.
I'm almost through with the
Willises' anniversary cake.

Oh, it's beautiful.

"Happy th, Helen and T."

Well, you forgot to finish
Tom's name.

No, I didn't. I just
ran out of icing.

I mean, I figure after
years, they both ought to
know who she's married to.

Hey, Weez, hey, Florence.
Hey, a cake,
what's the occasion?

Oh, now, George, don't tell
me you forgot such an
important anniversary.

Of course not.
How could I forget
something like that.

Happy anniversary,
sweetheart.

I'd suggest hitting him
with the cake

but I want the Willises
to see it.

Uh, George,
it's not our anniversary.
It's the Willises'.

Well, now,
who could remember
something like that?

I did.
I know, Weezy.

But you see that's because
you ain't got nothing else
going for yourself.

Go ahead,
hit him with the cake.

George, we talked about
today a week ago.

And we all agreed that we'd
make something personal
for Tom and Helen

to show them what
we think of them.

Now. What are you
going to make?

Look Weezy, it's still
early in the day,

I'll think of something
personal and special.

Like what?

A damn good excuse.

Well, I'll give you
an excuse.

How about your wife
dislocating your thumbs?

Oh, Weez,
so it's the Willises'
th anniversary.

You act like it's a
once in a lifetime thing
or something.

What'd y'all get 'em
that's so great?

Uh, now, for your
information, George.

Florence spent
the whole morning
baking them this cake.

Hmm.

Oh, I know,
I'll get 'em coffins.

Mr. Jefferson,
you can make fun of me
all you want.

But I draw the line at
insulting Betty Crocker.

Miss Jefferson, where
should I put this until
the Willises come down?

Why don't you take it
down to the river and rent it
out as an anchor?

Why don't you come
with me and I'll rent
you out as bait?

George, I wish you
would cooperate.

Now I know you can
find the time to think
of a gift of your own.

Something thoughtful
and meaningful.

See that, Weezy, if you
hadn't said something
thoughtful and meaningful,

I could've given 'em
this dumb photo album.

But that's my gift
to them.

Not anymore, it ain't.

Why not?
'Cause now
it's our gift to them.

Well, okay.

But if you want to
take credit, you should
know what it is.

Uh, it's sort of a
photographic history of their
marriage since we've met them.

Oh.

It's okay
except the pictures
are all messed up.

Why? What's wrong?

The Willises
are in every picture.

Joke about it as much
as you want to, George.

But this is a very
special occasion.

One of the happiest
days of their lives.

Oh, Tom, dry up!

We always do what
you want to do.

Now, this time
you're going to do
what I want to do.

Forget it, Helen.
I've made up my mind
and there's no changing it.

Oh, there isn't?

Then maybe you'd just
like to spend your th
anniversary alone.

Just maybe I would.
Uh, Helen, Tom,
what's going on here?

Oh, I don't know, Louise.

What started off
as a happy anniversary,

Tom has turned
into one of the worst
days of my life.

Uh, not now, Florence.

Florence, not now!

Happy Anniversary to you!

Look, excuse us but Helen
and I came down here

hoping that you two could
settle a small dispute.

Now I don't know whether
you noticed it or not but,
uh, we've been quarrelling.

Hey, we don't mind.
Just don't bleed
on the furniture.

But I just want to know
what this is all about.

It's about where we're
going to spend our
anniversary night.

That's right and that's
why we're here.

Now we decided
to present our case
to you two anonymously

and then abide by
whatever you say.

Well, I don't know.
This is your anniversary.

And I'm sure George and I
shouldn't get involved.

Oh, come on, Weezy!
They're our friends!

They need us,
they care about us.

And either way, we're
going to get rid of them
for the weekend.

So, go ahead, sh**t.

Well, as Tom said,
we decided
to make this anonymous.

So I'm going to give you
both of our suggestions,

but I'm not going
to tell you whose idea
is whose.

Well, now,
that sounds fair.
Okay?

Now, one of us wants
to go on a carefree,
getaway weekend,

just the two of us,
at the Plaza Hotel
one of the most elegant,

romantic, luxurious places
in all the world.

And the other one wants
to go on a boring,
disgusting fishing trip

to a greasy, filthy log cabin
God-knows-where in Canada.

Now as I said.
I'm not going to tell you
whose idea is whose.

But what do you think?

Just one moment, Helen.
Now that's not fair.

I saw you giving Louise
clues with your eyes.

I did not.

And how dare you call
that cabin filthy.

Oh, now, Tom,
I saw the brochures.

The floor is covered
with dirt.

Oh that's all
you know about it.
That dirt is the floor.

And you never even mentioned
the most important feature.

Separate bedrooms?

"Worm farm on the premises."

Oh, talk about having
your cake and eating it.

LOUISE: Not now, Florence!

Look, Helen,
I have nothing
against the Plaza.

But, ah,
it's right around
the corner.

What kind of
anniversary is that?

I mean,
where's the adventure?

The intrigue?
Where's the mystery,
Helen, where?

The mystery is
at the worm farm, Tom.

And when you get there,
you'll discover
the name of it.

The Case of the
Missing Wife.

Can't you stop being
so stubborn

and see things
my way for once?
Me?

Me? It's you.
You're the one who
refuses to budge.

I love this.

FLORENCE:
Are we ready for the cake?

Uh, no,
not now, Florence.
But soon!

Now look, I can settle
this whole thing.

Helen, now you sit here.

Uh, get up, George.
Hey, wait a minute.
I live here.

Well, live someplace else.

Tom, you here.

Oh, well, uh, all right.

Now, years together
is a long time.
Mmm-hmm.

And the purpose
of an anniversary
is to celebrate that.

Now, as a gift
to you, I have made
this photo album

to show some of the high
points of your marriage,
the fun times.

Actually the whole thing
was my idea.

I allowed her to
do the gluing and pasting
and stuff like that.

And, just to remind you

of how much fun you two
have shared over the years,

I'm going to open
this book at random

and just let the happy
moments flow.

Oh.

Ah! Now remember this?

Oh, yeah.

That's when we all went
to Hawaii together.

Aw, look at poor Tom's
sunburn.

I felt so sorry for you.
You were red as a lobster.

An expensive one.
They're priced by the
pound, you know.

Oh, come 'on, Helen.

Now that sunburn
wasn't so bad.

Oh, you've forgotten how
you gave me those coconut
oil rubdowns?

See? Now we're getting
somewhere.

Hey, here we all are
at Coney Island.

Oh, yeah. Tom, remember
how scared you were
on the parachute jump?

I was not scared.

The safety harness
was squishing my peanut
butter cups.

Tom.

Now, Helen, it's better
than fighting.

Oh, now, this is nice.
Where was this taken?

Oh, that's me. Oh, up
in the Finger Lakes.

You know, I caught
a seven-pound muskie
later on that day.

You'll notice his wife's
not in the picture.

Oh, but Helen, I begged
you to go on that trip
but oh, no,

we had our attitude,
didn't we?

Me? What about your attitude?

Everything is fishing,
fishing, fishing. You
shouldn't have married me.

You should've married
Charlie the Tuna.

Oh, believe me, Helen,
if he was a woman...

Now, now, now!

Uh, maybe you'd both
rather see our album.

Are you kidding?

Hey! Wait a minute, hold it.

Look, I've got
an idea that will make
everybody happy.

Now, George,
you cannot leave here.

We've got to help
Tom and Helen
solve their problem.

I know. That's what
I'm talking about!

Hey, Willis, remember that
place you and Helen went to
and you liked so much?

Why, George, you don't
expect us to spend our
anniversary in the shower.

You told him!

Well, nobody told me?

Weezy, wait a minute,
look, I don't want to know
nothing about that.

I'm talking about your
honeymoon. Don't you
remember?

You went to that small town,
the small hotel you
and Helen liked so much.

Why don't you spend
your anniversary there?

George! That's a
sensational idea.

Oh, really, Tom?
I love it, too!

Oh, George,
I'm so proud of you.

Give me a kiss
for being so sweet.

No celebrating till they're
on their way.

Thanks, George, I'm gonna
make the reservations
right now.

Oh, George, I'll never
forget this.

How can I ever
thank you?

Hey, come on.
Your leaving is
thanks enough.

Well, regardless,
I am so happy.

I can remember that hotel
just like it was yesterday.

Oh, our room was
so charming.

Just like a dream.
Not fancy but honest.

Oh, the perfect place to
spend a honeymoon.

Well, we're booked.

Oh, fantastic!

Oh, but sweetheart,
I couldn't
get our same room.

Aw, oh, but we'll
still have fun.

You bet we will.
I got the Presidential Suite!

Oh!

FLORENCE:
Can I come out now?

Oh, yes, Florence!
And don't forget
the cake!

FLORENCE:
Okay, here I come.

FLORENCE: Never mind.

Oh, Tom,
this is so romantic.

Ah!
The Presidential Suite.

Oh, you know what
would make it perfect?

To be carried across
the threshold.

Well, sweetheart, if you think
you can lift me...

Never mind.
Just open the door.

Okay.

Ah!

Here we are!
Oh.

Gee, it looks like nothing's
been changed
for the last years.

Not even the sheets.

Well, Helen,
so it isn't the Plaza.

Oh, but we're here
to have a good time.

And don't forget, it is the
Presidential Suite.

I was going to ask
you, are you sure
about that?

Well, there's no harm
in double checking.

Hello, front desk,
this is Tom Willis.

Tom Willis.

Well, I prefer the term
stocky but yes, that's me.

I'd like to confirm something.

Uh, you did give us
the Presidential Suite?

Uh, yes,
there is a bedspread.

This is it.
Uh, thank you.

Oh, and would you have someone
bring our luggage up
right away? Thank you.

Well, that's settled.

Well, I guess I could've
saved you a phone call.

Here's a picture of
a president who actually
stayed here.

Oh? Anyone we voted for?

I don't think so.

It's Al Girardi, president
of the local Rotarians.

Well, now, wait a minute.

If it's good enough for
big Al, it's good enough
for us.

Happy anniversary,
sweetheart.
Happy anniversary.

Well, here we are.

Who is it?

MAN: Bellboy.

Wow. How's that for fast
service? It's our luggage
already.

Compliments of the house.

Since it's your
anniversary and all.

Oh, How nice.

Oh. Well, this is terrific.
Uh, thank you.

Cereal?

Well, we're all
out of grapes.

But shouldn't breakfast
come in the morning?

Oh, Come on.
You don't expect me to hang
around here all night, do you?

I work the swing shift.

If you wanted it
in the morning,

you shouldn't have had
your anniversary
on my day off.

Oh, well, we're sorry.
Well, here.

Oh.

In case there's nobody at the
desk to give you a wake-up
call, you can use this.

Oh, gee, thanks.
Be careful, though.

She's a little temperamental.
Doesn't always go off.

So just give it a good
smack when you want
to wake up.

Sir, excuse me
but we haven't been in this
area for several years

and we'd like to know,
can you tell us what people
do for fun around here?

Oh, I'm glad you asked.

I have a list
of activities here...

Oh.

...for the summer season.

Let's see, what month
are we in?
July.

Oh, you both gonna be
here three months?

No, no, no,
just for the weekend.

Oh, too bad. There's gonna
be a hayride in September.

But tell you what,
I could rent you my pickup

and you could take
a tour of the quarry.

Sweetheart?
Forget it, Tom.

Well, leave a note
if you change your mind.

Oh by the way,
you folks checked your
view yet?

Why, No, we haven't.
Good.

Hey, don't forget
to bring up our luggage.

Well, I wonder what he
meant about the view?

Really, Tom,
I don't think
I want to know.

So what do you want to do?

Well, sweetheart, there are
a lot of things we could do.Hmm.

Well, we could...

Oh, it's a little
early for that.

Well, we could...

Helen, look!
It's a vibrating bed.

Oh, come over here, darling.
Sit down.

You're going to love this.

Whoa! This is living!

I really don't think
I like this.
What's that?

I say I don't like this.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.
I said I don't like this!

All right, darling but you
don't have to shout about it.

I think it's out
of order anyway.

HELEN: Oh, Thank God.

Yeah, well,
oh, we can watch TV.

Hey, Helen, this is
kind of interesting.

Come on over
and watch it!

Good evening, everybody.

And welcome to another hour
of aerobic exercise
to the music you like best

with Dottie Dybzynski
and her Polka Dots!

Change the channel, Tom.

All righty!

...Hog futures rose slightly.
Pork bellies dipped.

But soybeans, well,
that's our big story tonight.

Helen, looks like we have
a choice between Dottie
and the farm report.

I think we ought
to go with Dottie.

Tom, turn it off.

Aw, come on,
give Dottie a chance.

You know, Helen,
you never have been fair
to those polka people.

Tom, off.

Tom?

I can't turn it off.
The knob is stuck.

Helen? You seem edgy.

Oh, I'm sorry, Tom.

But it's just that I pictured
that tonight would just be a
little different, that's all.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

But from now on,
it's going to be
smooth sailing.

Oh, you think so?

I know so. I love you.

Oh, Tom, maybe you should
try room service again?

Oh, you're right.
I am a little miffed.

We put in our order
two hours ago.

Well, I warned you not
to order your steak
well done.

Oh, come on, Helen,
it's not funny.

I'm starving.

I mean, I've tried to think
positively about this but
everything's going wrong.

I mean, well, you're
bored to high heaven.

The luggage isn't here yet.
The food is late.

Ooh, and I don't even
want to talk about
that toilet incident.

Let's not. And please
don't upset yourself.

Well, I...

Oh, See?
There's room service now.

Either that or Rod Serling.

I wanna apologize on behalf
of the management.

I know there's a couple of
things've been going wrong.

In particular
that toilet incident.

Please, please,
we don't like
to speak about that.

I know
and I don't blame you.

Anyway, the meal's
on the house.

And I hope you enjoy it.
Oh, Thank you.

Oh, by the way,
the pickup truck
is no longer available.

Why?

Well, the fella who owns it
stole it from me.

Tough luck. Oh, listen,
may I ask you again about
bringing up our luggage?

Sure thing.
I would've brought
it up already

but I had
to bring your food.

But the food
is two hours late.

Why complain about that?

Your luggage
is four hours late.

Helen, his attitude is
going to be reflected
in his tip.

Now, Tom, don't let him
upset our meal.

Whoo! I must say
it does look delicious.

Yes, the way it's arranged
and everything
with the flower.

Oh, Helen, at last
a perfect moment.

Well, not quite perfect.

Is it me or do you feel
a little warm, too?

Yeah, I do. I'll turn
on the air conditioner.

Ah, then we'll have
our perfect meal.

Madame?
Oh!

And then we'll see if we
can figure out something
to do for dessert.

Voila.
Oh, dear.

That's it!
We're out of here!

Now, Tom!
Please calm down!

No, no, no, no.
I've tried to be patient
but this is too much.

Hello, front desk,
this is Tom Willis.

Yes, the stocky one
in the Presidential Suite.

I'd like to cancel
my reservation.

That's right.
For the whole weekend.

Why?
Oh, I'll tell you why.

The service is lousy,
the room is rundown,
the TV doesn't work,

and the only view we have
is that of a diseased,
rotting oak tree.

What? I don't care if it is
where they hung Smiling Sam
Snodgrassback in '.

This place just isn't
the way it used to be.

Oh, you can forget about
sending up our luggage.

Here's your luggage,
Mr. Willis, I'm sorry
about the delay.

Do you believe him?

I've got to talk
to that man.

Hey, pardon me. Did you
see that jerky bellboy?

Wow! Look at the size
of room!

I beg your pardon?
This is the Presidential
Suite, isn't it?

Yeah.

I hope we don't seem nosy
but would you mind if we
took a quick look?

Oh, no, not at all.
Come right in.

I'm sorry it's so messy.
You are guests
in the hotel?

Yes, we are.

Well then you
can understand.
We're in down the hall.

? Isn't that a coincidence?

That's the same room
my husband Tom and I spent
our honeymoon in

years ago this weekend.

Well, it's even more of a
coincidence, 'cause we're
on our honeymoon, too.

Oh, isn't that wonderful?

Well, congratulations.
BOTH: Thank you.

But our room is nothing
compared to this one.

We're sort of on a budget,
you know. Just starting out.

Now wait a second.
I've got a great idea.

You know this room is paid for
for the next two nights and
we have to leave tonight.

Uh, why don't you two
move in here?

You do have life insurance?

What my husband means
is that we've had a few
mechanical problems.

But the room's yours
if you want it.

The offer is very sweet.
but we don't want
to move, really.

You mean the stuff
works in your room?

Well, we've had a couple
of slight problems.

But what difference
do they make, really,

when you're with
the person you most
want to be with?

Aw.

I'm sure it's the same
thing with you two, right?

Well, uh...

That's absolutely right.

Well, we appreciate your
letting us see the room.
Thank you.

No, thank you.

Aw, honey, look.

I hope we're
this romantic after we've
been married years.

Yeah.

But neater.

Helen, I don't feel like
going home, now. Do you?

Not a bit.
Good.

Uh, front desk?
This is Tom Willis again.

I'd like to cancel
my cancellation.

My wife and I have
decided to stay
here after all.

Oh, and about all the
electrical problems,
the lousy service,

and the dumpy room...

Keep up the good work.

I'll call you a cab,
Mr. Willis.

Hey. Wait a minute.
Come back here.