10x22 - In the Chips

[bunniefuu]

in the sky

a piece of the pie

in the kitchen

on the grill

in the big leagues

it's you and me, baby

with that

in the sky

a piece of the pie

Now, really, all you have
to do is just stand up there.
It'll be easy.

I know. I just don't
think I can do that.

Miss Jefferson, I can't
do it. I just can't do it.

I mean, I'd make
a fool of myself.

Oh... Why me, Lord?
Why me?

Oh, but, Florence, all you're
doing is calling a bingo
game at your church.

Sure. And Pearl Harbor was
just a day at the beach.

But you sing in front
of people at church
all the time.

But that's in a choir.
If I make a mistake there,

all I have to do is say
"Hallelujah" and don't nobody
even hear it.

Well, have you always felt
this way about getting up
in front of groups?

Yeah, ever since the third
grade and the Know Your
Solar System pageant.

I played Pluto,
the dark planet.

Shh!

See, we were supposed to
show how the planets orbit
around the sun.

Well, I orbited right into
the orchestra pit.

Shh!

Oh, look, Florence, you'll
just be calling numbers,
that's all.

Miss Willis, you talk about
bingo like it's a game.

Bingo ladies are
serious, honey.

Last week, Dolly Cumberman
called out the wrong number.

Well, they say she's
vacationing with her family,
but I wouldn't bet on it.

Be quiet! I'm trying to
watch the football game!

George, we're just trying
to help Florence get over
her fear of crowds.

Why? If she's standing up
in front of the crowd,

the crowd should
be afraid of her.

George, you can watch football
any time of year you want to.

Now can't you just drag
yourself away for just one
minute and try to help?

Actually, Florence, football
might be the perfect example
for you. Come here a minute.

GEORGE: Hey! Hey! Hey!

You see that quarterback?
Move!

He's calling out numbers
in front of
thousands of people.

And he's not
the least bit nervous.

Look, , , , hike!

No nerves at all.

Then how come
he dropped the ball?

He what?

ANNOUNCER ON TV:
Jones just fumbled the ball.

Oh, see, now you made
me miss the play.

Oh, it's no big deal,
George. The other team
picked it up for him.

I hate to sound insensitive
about Florence's problem,

but, uh,
basically who cares?

Now can I watch
the game in peace?

All right, fine. If that's
what you want, we'll just
go back to the bedroom.

And as far as you are
concerned, we don't
even exist.

Perfect.

Get that, will you?

Sorry. We don't exist.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: This is
a crucial third down play.

Fletcher's flanked
to the left, the backs
in the eye formation...

Mr. J... Oh, thank heaven
your TV set is working.

Mine went on the
fritz just as Chef Andre
reached the critical stage

with his spinach souffle.

Bentley, no!
Oh, look at it rise.

ANNOUNCER ON TV:
That has to be the catch
of the year!

Oh, man!

Well, uh, you seem
a bit distraught.

Look, Bentley, I'm trying to
watch the football game.

And between you and your
stupid spinach souffle,

and Florence and her
stupid problem,

all I'm seeing is
the beer commercial.

Sounds like everything
you could want in
a game and less.

You like living
dangerously, don't you?

Well, after all,
I am an interpreter.

Say, what is
Florence's problem?

Oh, she's afraid to stand
in front of a crowd
or something.

Look, speaking of
crowds, Bentley...

Oh, you know, that reminds
me of my Great Uncle Clemens.

Oh, no...
Oh, yes.

Uncle Clemens had
a terrible fear of crowds.

If he was on an elevator with
more than two people, he
broke out in a cold sweat.

Talk about crowded
theaters, clearance
sales, forget it.

He was a wreck until one day
he finally found the perfect

solution to his problem
with crowds.

What's that?
He became a mass m*rder*r.

But, on the bright side,
they, uh... They sentenced
him to solitary.

Yes, and even after three
replays, that probably ranks
as one of the great kick off

returns of the season.

Who is this?
I'm gonna k*ll somebody.

What do you want, Willis?

George, I'm at the
end of my rope. I don't
know what to do.

Loop it and stick
your neck in it.

George... George, please,
you've got to help me.

I mean, where's your
sensitivity? Your compassion?
Your sense of human decency?

What do you
want me to do?

George, I want you
to call me fat.

For what?
Well, you see, I'm dying to
eat something sweet and rich.

And my diet center
told me if I felt
myself weakening,

then to think back to
the size I was before.
But I just can't do it!

Oh, George, you've
got to help me!

Willis, get out of
my way. I'm trying to
watch the football game.

No, no, here.
Give me this.

Hey!
No, listen, listen to me.

Please.
You're an expert on this.

Please make
me feel fat again,
for old times' sake.

Give me the control.
No! I'll even set
you up, George.

Now, here we go.
Now, let's see.

Say, I think these pants
could stand some altering.

Can you think
of a good place for me
to have it done?

Give me the control, Willis.

Oh, no. Come on, George,
you've got to help me.
Please.

Now I'll set you up
again. Let's see, uh...

Did you know that there are
two ways in which a solar
eclipse can occur?

One is if the moon
blocks out the sun.

And the other is...
No, no... The other is...

Willis, okay, look, if I help
you out, will you help me
out by getting out?

Oh, you bet.
Great.

Okay, Willis, if you
were any bigger, you'd have
your own field of gravity!

Oh, that's wonderful.
Beautiful.

My own field of gravity.
Oh, I love it.
Thanks, George.

Great. Give me the...
Oh, sorry. Oh, bye.

ANNOUNCER ON TV:
Axle three plugged in.
He's breaking into the clear!

Mr. Jefferson.
What?

Are you busy?
Touch down!

Not anymore.

Oh, good.
Hey, what are you...

Look, I can't find
any markers for
my bingo cards.

I need something
to use instead.

Okay, stick around. You can
use the pieces of this
television set

after I break it
over your head.

I know you're not
gonna do that,

because then you wouldn't
be able to see the game.

It's too late
for that now.

Good. Then you
can help me find
some bingo markers.

I need something about so
big, round, hard, and flat.

How about your meatballs?
That ain't funny.

Neither are your meatballs.
Now leave me alone.

Mr. Jefferson,
this is serious. I gotta
find some markers.

It's a matter of
life or death.

Can't you show some
concern for my problem?

I mean, what's so
interesting about
football anyway?

What is so interesting
about football?

Florence, you might
as well say,

"What is so interesting
about life?"

Let's stick to something you
know something about.

Football is life.
It's strategy, struggle,
blood and pain.

Two opposing forces
locked into a fierce
battle to the end.

Then it's just like bingo.

What?
Yeah, Lucy Baldwin caused
a ruckus just like that

last week when she
called a bingo marker
out upside down.

She called out
instead of .

They had to send
her to the Minors.

They got a minor
league for bingo?

No. Reverend
and Mrs. Minor.

Florence, I don't care
about your markers.

Okay, let me put it
to you like this.

If I don't find
no markers,
that means no bingo.

No bingo means no money.
No money means no church.
No church means no choir.

No choir means I'll be
doing all my singing
right here.

Okay, I'll find you
something during the
commercial, all right?

Now can I get back
to the game?

Oh, sure.
Thank you. No more breaking
in here and interrupting?

Oh, no. It's all yours.
Good.

ANNOUNCER ON TV:
Yes, folks, it's half-time.

Jimmy, what
are you doing here?

No time for small talk,
we are in trouble.

What do you mean
we're in trouble?
I didn't do nothing.

Yeah, that's the
funny part.

But we're getting ahead
of ourselves. Now, do you
remember the last time

you went to Atlantic City
and you lost that
bundle at the table?

I didn't lose that much.
Hey, man, it was enough

for the hotel to offer you
a complimentary room
on your next trip.

Okay, okay, it was a bunch.
Now tell me, why are we
in trouble?

I'm coming to that...

Anyway, anyway, I was running
a little short on rent money,

and I figured Atlantic
City would be a good
place to find some.

And so, I used
your room there.

You what?
I knew you wouldn't mind.

Anyway, I wasn't at the
black jack table no more
than five minutes, man,

when these two guys
pull me aside. Right?

See, they could see that
I had been counting
the cards, right?

So they offered me
a proposition. They would
stake me $,, right?

And then we'd split
the winning three ways,
'cause I was hot, man.

I was hot. You should
have been there.

Oh, yeah? If I had
been there, where would
you have slept?

Good point, good point, good
point. Anyway, I ran that
$, up to $,, man!

Right? And around about
that time, I heard the call
of nature and so I headed

for the restroom. Right?
Now while I am
in the restroom,

those two guys
come in, but they
don't see me.

And I overhear them planning
to bump me off and keep
the $, for themselves.

And so I zipped up,
zipped out,

and I zapped on over
here with $,
worth of chips!

Man, are you crazy?
Those guys are gonna be
looking for you.

You in big trouble.

Well, uh, actually,
right here is where
the "we" comes in.

How?

Uh, they think I'm you.
How?

Uh, well, you see, I had
to register in your name.

See? Otherwise, I would
have had to pay for
the room myself.

What?

Yeah, so when
the two guys asked
me who I was,

quite naturally
I said I was you.
Oh, man...

I mean, what would
you have done?

I would have given them
my real name!

That's what I did.
I gave them
your real name!

Get out of my house!
Wait now, wait now.

You know,
if you put yourself
in my shoes,

it is kind of funny.

Except for the part
about the K*llers
coming after you,

it is kind of funny,
you know.

Hey, wait a minute.
Look, you can't
leave me, man.

You gotta
help me out here.

All right, then, calm down
now. I think we should
discuss this in the kitchen.

You mean, you're telling
me it's not even safe
to talk out here?

No, man, I'm starved.

I'm leaving, Mr. Jefferson.
GEORGE: Who cares?

Oh, he did find
something to help us out.

But wait, Mr. Jefferson,
look, what would you
have me do?

You gotta go find those
guys and give them that
$, back.

Are you crazy? Man, look,
I can cash these chips
in anytime I want,

as soon as
the heat dies down.

Yeah, well, the heat
ain't gonna die down
till after I'm k*lled.

I'll miss you.
What...

Okay, okay, okay, man, but
look, I'm gonna tell you,
you owe me on this one.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay, where are the chips?

They're right there
on the desk where I...

You stole my money.

What are you talking about?
I was in the kitchen with you.

But, Mr. Jefferson, I put
them on the desk.
Who else was out here?

Well, nobody out here but
Florence. But why would
Florence want them, 'cause...

Wait a minute. Florence
probably thought I left those
chips for her bingo game.

Oh, Mr. Jefferson,
we've gotta find them.

Once those old ladies
find out how much those
chips are really worth,

there'll be blue hair
flying everywhere.

Uh-oh. That's the guys
from the casino.

They've found you.

Oh, yeah?
What happened to "we"?

What do you see?

Oh, my God,
it's a refrigerator
with a smile.

Oh, that's Hugo.

Hi, Mr. Jefferson.
Remember me?

Of course I remember you,
Hugo. Come on in.

Hey, Jimmy, this is my
old bodyguard, Hugo.

Charmed.

Hey, man, this is an
incredible coincidence, man.

If there ever was a time
we needed our bodies
guarded, it's now.

Beautiful, man. Beautiful.

Hugo, what brings
you over here?

Well, like the old song
says, I Love New York.

And they sent me here
from Atlantic City to
break your legs.

Well, time to go to work.

Hey, wait a minute.
Hold it.

Hugo, you got the wrong
man. He's the guy.

No. It says "George Jefferson"
right here on the invoice.

Yeah, that's what
it says all right.

Say, uh, Hugo, you
got a balance due,
man. Look at that.

No, that's the way
they work.

Half up front, half when
I give them the knee caps.
Paper work, paper work.

Hugo, I'm telling you,
Jimmy used my name.

Tell it to your orthopedist.

We got the chips, baby.
Good.

But they're not here.

Well, let's get started.
But we can get them
back though.

Just give us
an hour or so.

Gee, uh, first you
got 'em, then
you don't got 'em.

I feel like I'm on some
kind of emotional
roller coaster.

Hugo, man, look, just
give us one hour. One hour,
and we'll get them.

Well, all right.

Okay, let's go here.
You better hurry up.

I gotta get back to
Atlantic City by :.

I got tickets to see
Wayland and Madame.

Don't worry. One hour,
I promise.

Great. I love that Madame.
I don't know why she needs
that Wayland though.

I-.

Talk up or get out!

I'm doing
the best I can.

Remember Dolly?

I-.

Okay, now, how much time
do I have before Hugo comes
to rip my knees off.

About minutes.

It'll take him that long
to figure out that

that parking meter
isn't a slot machine.

Great.

N-...

Ladies, excuse us for
a moment, please.

Look, Florence, I gotta
have all those chips back
or I'm a dead man.

N-!

Ladies, look, I hate to
interrupt your game,
but, uh...

I gotta have all your markers
back. It's a matter of
life or death, okay?

Now then, Florence!
Did you say N-?

Yeah...

I hate women!

Hey, you gotta understand.
These ladies love their bingo.

Now I, I... Let me handle
them. I know... I know
how to get to them.

Uh, ladies?
Uh, may I have your
attention, please?

I have a telegram for
someone in this room.

Oh, I can't quite
make out the name.

Perhaps it might mean
something to one of you.
It says, "Dear Mom,

"You were right. I am
too good for her.
I'm coming home..."

Uh, there's more,
there's more, there's more.

It says,
"P.S., I'm hungry, Mom."

WOMAN: Oh, I know
that's my son.

I'll get the chips.

Mr. Jefferson, what do you
think you're doing?

I worked hard on this and
you're ruining everything.

I did it
for you, Florence.

I knew you'd hate yourself
if you knew you was
standing up there

calling out those
bingo numbers

while they're having
a Billy Dee Williams
film festival on TV.

Mr. Jefferson,
this is the most ridiculous,

idiotic, stupid thing
you have ever pulled.

They're showing
Lady Sings the Blues.

I'll see you later.

Not bad, huh?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Wasn't that a Billy De Wolfe
film festival?

Don't make no difference.
She don't know the difference,
her TV's broke.

You got all the chips?

Uh, most of them, but
we're still grand short.

Oh, uh-huh.

Look, miss, you better
hurry up and go home.
Your son may be hungry.

Let him starve.
Look, I know casino chips
when I see 'em.

Uh-oh, we got trouble.

Hey, guys,
thanks for the tip.
The machine paid off.

Hey, you're a pretty
lucky guy, Hugo.

I wish I could say
the same for you.
You only got two minutes.

We gotta move, Jim.

Uh, you know,
I love the slots.

And in many ways,
the slot machines
remind me of a woman.

Oh, yeah?
Well, let's move it, Jim.

For one thing,
they both have arms.

And unlike a woman,
eventually, if you put enough
money into a slot machine,

if might pay off.

Uh, well, uh...
Listen, Hugo, this is
fascinating, but...

And then there's
those three windows.

They remind me
of my Suzie's eyes.

Oh... Let's go, Jim.

Hey, wait a minute, man.
I wanna find out
about this broad.

Time's up.
Already?

Doesn't time fly when
you're having fun?

Hey, wait a minute.
Hugo, what are we knocking
ourselves out for, man?

Here's grand.

Go b*at her up
and then grab the rest.

Pop a woman?
I don't know.

Hey, Hugo,
this is the 's.

No. I'd like to,
but I can't.

Maybe you didn't know.
My mother was a woman.

Cheer up, Mr. Jefferson.
Look, here's some aspirin.

It'll help to dull
the pain a little.

Can't you give us
a couple more minutes?

Well, all right.
Just let me know
when the aspirin kicks in.

Look, miss,
what's your name?
Tammy.

Oh, Tammy. Look,
Tammy, you see this
big guy over here?

Mmm...

Well, if I don't give him
these chips back, he's gonna
break both of my legs.

Tough.

Uh, Tammy, baby,
you look like

a sporting kind of lady.

I've been known to
let my hair down.

Well, I'll bet
you'd like a chance

to raise this grand
up to .

Mmm-hmm...
Man, are you crazy?

You're gonna take the
grand to try and get
that back?

Mr. Jefferson, you don't seem
to understand something.

We got two things
working against us here.
Number one, we have

got to make this deal
attractive to Tammy.

And you don't
have any choice.

That's two.
What's your game?

Seven-card stud. And none
of that wild card stuff.
That's for girls.

Okay. The whole ball
of wax, one hand.

You got it.

What happens if you lose?
You got a son?

Yeah.
Then the name won't die.

You mind if I deal?
Nope.

Take her for everything she's
worth, Jim. Good luck to
you, too, Tammy.

All right. Lady takes
a deuce.

Dealer takes a tray.

Lady takes another deuce.
A pair of twos.

Oh, my stars! All right,
Spidy got out
of another one.

Uh, dealer takes
an eight of Clubs.

Dealer better start cheating.

Lady takes a queen.

Dealer takes
a jack of Hearts.

Jim, you're losing.

Hey, man, she's only
got a pair of twos.
I can b*at that easy.

Lady takes another queen
for two pairs showing.

Dealer takes a seven
of Diamonds for nada.

Does nadabeat two pair?

Nadachance.

Let's see, $, tax free.

Hey, fella, you think
my winnings will
buy me a yacht?

Deal.

Well, ain't you gonna
look at the cards?

We got plenty
of time for that.

Uh, what you got?

Sorry, fella. Full house.

Oh, well, another day,
another fibula.

Look, hold it. We still
got some cards left here.

Come on, Jimmy,
turn the cards over!

Well, let's see, let's see,
let's see, let's see.

Four of Diamond, that goes
right here. Okay. Hey, six
of Diamond,

that goes right here.
Hey, you're just one card
away from a straight flush.

Or a crooked spine.

Turn the card over!

Five of Diamond!
We win!

Oh, a straight of Diamonds!

Oh, well, easy come, easy go.

If I hurry, I can still make
Vegas Night at Temple Beth-El.

All right, great, great,
great, great, great,
great, great.

Okay, Hugo, here's
your $,, all right?

Thanks. I'm glad
it turned out this way.

This has been
quite a moral
dilemma for me.

I've gotta get out
of this business.

Pretty disgusting, huh,
getting paid to b*at
up on people.

Nah. I just hate
living in Jersey.

You gotta admit, this was
some adventure, right?

Man, I could k*ll you!

Wait a minute, wait a minute,
before you do something
you might regret,

I didn't tell you
something earlier.

You see, I won an extra
$, in Atlantic City,

that the hoods don't even
know anything about.

And just to
show you that I have
no hard feelings,

I'm gonna split,
you know,
the $, with you.

Uh, here's $.

I don't want your
stupid money, man.

Let me tell you
something, I may bend
the rules a little bit,

but you, man, you have
no consideration at all.
No moral values.

I mean, you love money
so much, you even
use your friends.

Let me tell you something.
Until you learn there is more
in life than money,

I don't
ever wanna see or hear
from you again! Ever!

Hello, brother.

Oh, hello, Reverend.

You seem a little under
the weather.

Yeah, I've got a couple
of problems.

Well, rest assured
you're not alone.

The church here has
fallen on hard times, too.

Hall needs new plumbing.

Stained glass windows
need repair.

And donations are way down.

Well, how much
do you think it'll cost
to fix all of this?

I don't know.
Three, four, maybe five
thousand dollars.

But I don't know
where I'd ever get it.

Me neither.