11x02 - Ebony and Ivory

[bunniefuu]

in the sky

a piece of the pie

in the kitchen

on the grill

in the big leagues

it's you and me, baby

with that

in the sky

a piece of the pie

Uh, what're you reading?

Oh, this is a list
Jenny left with me

for taking care
of the baby.

You know,
"Dos and don'ts"

and "has-to-
even-if-she-
doesn't-want-tos".

Let me see.
"Bed at :.

"Vitamins in her applesauce.
Liver twice a week."

No wonder kids
nowadays wanna grow
up so fast.

And "No talking
to strangers, no
skipping of baths,

"and no poker with
Grandpa until she
practices her piano."

Oh, so that's why
you all rented that thing.

Hey, Jessica, come here!

Sit down and play a
little R and B for
Auntie Florence.

That's a "B".
I haven't learned
where the "R" is yet.

Oh, Mrs. Jefferson,
would you get that?
I'm busy.

Doing what?

Well, Jessica
and I are going into
the kitchen and play

Scrub the Sink.

Oh, you'll just
love this, honey.

You get to wear rubber
gloves and everything.

Someday I'm going
to teach her how to
play Answer the Door.

Oh, Mrs. Van Morris!
Please, come in.

How nice to see you!

I'm sure it is.
Louise, meet my
grandson, Van Van Morris.

I'm pleased to make your
acquaintance.

Why, thank you!

I'm not really,
but It would be
gauche to say otherwise.

He's got your mouth.

N'est-ce pas?Louise,
let me tell you
why I'm here.

I want to congratulate
you on the fabulous
success of the

Help Center Fund-Raiser.

Well, you contributed
half the money.

Oh, well...
Perhaps you should
congratulate me.

Uh... Well, congratulations,
Mrs. Van Morris.

You're too kind.

And on that very
subject,

do you remember I
promised to take you
to lunch to celebrate?

Oh, that was over
six months ago.

Well, I won't be able
to make it.

Oh...

Darn.

I'm up to my ears
preparing for the
musical event of the decade.

I don't suppose you
know anything about music?

Oh, well, I heard it
once or twice on
the elevator.

Well, then you must come!

A recital
is being given by
my precious Van,

and some lesser prodigies.

You will
be my special guest.

Oh, gee, that almost
makes up for the lunch.

Oh, here comes my
granddaughter Jessica.

She's quite a
musician herself.

What does she play?
The washtub?

Uh, take off your
gloves, dear.

She's an adorable child.
Does she talk yet?

Careful, dear,
you'll develop muscles.

Van-Van, why don't you
show little Jessica what
real music sounds like?

Play something.

On an upright?

Oh. Oh.

Our grand is
in the shop.

All kidding aside,
Louise.

Why is the instrument
in your home?

I told you,
Jessica plays. And quite
beautifully, too.

Oh, as a matter of
fact, Mrs. Van Morris...
Mmm-hmm.

...about this piano recital
you were talking about...
Yes?

...is it open to
all children?

Is she thinking what
I think she's thinking?

Louise, the competition
is only for the specially
gifted children.

I understand that.
How can I enroll
Jessica?

Louise! Spare the
child the indignity!

Well, you sound as
though you're
afraid she would

show up little Van.

No, no, no.

I don't see little
Jessica in the recital.

Well, you will!

Grandmother, we'd
better be going now.
I feel I must shower.

Out of the mouths
of babes.

Louise, I do hope you come
to your senses

and see the error
of your judgment.

Because if you don't,
Van will have your
granddaughter for lunch.

We'll show those
Van Morrises we're

every bit as good as
they are!

Yeah!
And I know you
are talented!

Yeah!
Can you play me a
nice tune?

Yeah!

Two hands, Grandma!

Ah...

Oh, George! What are
you doing home
in the middle of the day?

Well, Weezy,
being a loving husband
and a dedicated grandfather,

I decided to break this
sucker in half!

Oh, George!

Don't you dare!

Yeah, you're right.
It's rented.

Grandpa, do you
hate my piano?

Of course not, sweetheart.

I just thought we'd
have more fun playing
baseball in the park.

Music.

We heard the noise,
uh, I mean the
piano playing, stop!

Jessica, are you
all right?

Yeah. Hi, Grandma.

Hi, darling.
Hi, Grandpa.

Well...

She's fine.
She was just getting
back to her practicing.

Oh, don't start
on our account!

We wouldn't want her to
peak too early.

Oh, then you noticed
that she's gotten
a lot better?

Better? Oh. Well, uh,
Tom's the musician
in the family. Tom?

Uh, why, uh...
Her posture is
incredible!

Yes! I love

the way she sits! So erect.

Oh, just like

a concert pianist.

So poised,
so ready to play.

But not actually playing!
But not...

Come on, you two.
Now listen to our
new song.

Oh.

New? That's the same
song she's been
playing all week.

FLORENCE: At least it's a
different wrong note.

Hello, Mrs. Jefferson.

From whence emanates
that sweet sound?

Me!
Oh,

these tiny fingers.
These delicate rosebuds?

Rest 'em, honey.

Let's go into the kitchen
and you get yourself a
nice cold soda pop?

We're all out of soda.
Allow me.

Now drink it
in the kitchen,

so we don't spill
on this lovely
instrument.

Thanks.

So poised.
So talented.
So lovely.

Okay, folks,
let's talk turkey.

The whole building
wants her fingers busted.

What?

I have been authorized
by the tenants
in this building

to offer you $

to make her
cease and desist.

I can't believe
what you're saying.

How could anyone
be that cruel?

All right, $.

Oh, this is outrageous!

$?

George, say something!

$!

Oh, please.
I can't believe that
you've taken a collection

to stop our
baby's piano playing.

Get real, Mrs. Willis.
You kicked in ten bucks.

Why, Helen!

Oh, and Mr. Willis
your check
cleared just fine.

Uh, but you promised...
Uh...
Well, you see.

You know, I can't
believe you
stooped so low.

So in order to save
you all any more
embarrassment,

I must ask
Ralph to leave now.

Yes, ma'am.
You can't blame a
fellow for trying.

I suppose the only
decent and proper
thing to do would be

to give everybody
back their money.

My, but we live
in shameless times.

Weez, three out of four
grandparents agree,

she's not meant to play,
don't push her.

Well, if you all feel
she's not ready...

Not that she won't
improve with a few more
months of practice

in her own home.

Right.
Right.

Louise, I rushed right
over from the printers!

Someone's played
a cruel and dirty
joke on you.

Yes.
Whoever invented
the doorbell.

I'm serious, Louise.

Someone entered your
granddaughter's name
into the piano recital.

I enrolled Jessica
in the competition, but
I've been thinking of...

Of pulling her out
immediately, of course.

Oh, well, she...

Would positively
embarrass you to death.

I'm going to call the
printer and have him
delete her name.

Take your hands
off that phone.

Jessica is staying
in the recital.

But, Louise...

And not only that,
she's going to win!

Now you can tell
your printers
to print this!

Oh, Jessica...

Look, I tried to talk her
out of it. She said "No".

She had me cornered.
What could I do?

Well, we couldn't
convince her either.

That's why we came
up with the plan.

Now a business associate
of Tom's

knows the principal pianist
at the Philharmonic.

Now we've never
met him but he's
promised to come

over today to hear
Jessica play.

What do we need him for?

I've never played a
note in my life and
I know she stinks.

But when an expert tells
her that Jessica's not
ready to perform,

Louise will have
to listen to him.
Mmm-hmm.

Hey, yeah, you know,
that's a great idea!

You know what I like
best about this idea?
What?

When it fails, for once
it won't be my fault.

Where are you going?

Ever hear of
the Blue Light Cafe?

No.
Good.

Oh, uh, excuse me.

Hello, uh, Peter Angelus,
BuddyMate Vacuums.

I wonder, sir,
do you know anyone
on this floor who might

need a vacuum cleaner?

Well, you probably
want somebody who
doesn't have a maid.

Try my place,
right over there.

Thank you.

Oh, he's here! He's here!
The maestro's here!

Oh, Jessica!

Oh, once he hears
Jessica play, her
future's guaranteed.

Sir!
Madame!

Welcome to our home.

You're too gracious, Mrs...
Jefferson,
but call me Louise.

With...
With pleasure, Louise.

I think you
and I are going to
get along famously.

Undoubtedly.
Oh, you've heard
of the Willis's.

Of course.
The talk of the building.

How do you do?

Well, enough chitchat.
Oh, wouldn't you like to
meet my granddaughter?

Certainly, why not?

Oh. Oh!
What do you think?

Well, she's very pretty.

Well, don't you think
we should get started?

Indeed. Indeed.
But before we do,

I'd like to thank you,
Louise.

There aren't that many
people who are as
gracious as you are.

It's an honor to have
you here.

You know
of me?

The great ones
are always so humble.

Well,
where shall
we begin?

Oh, why not the piano?

Why not?

Come on over here,
my little darling.

That's it.

Yeah! How many times
has this happened to you?

You're seated at your
very favorite piano,

and someone comes along
and drops an ashtray filled
with ashes all over it?

Oh, wait a minute!

You call yourself
a piano teacher?

No. I call myself
a vacuum-cleaner
salesman.

But with the BuddyMate
Dirt-Master,

this little wonder,
this teeny-tiny wonder
direct from the Orient...

Oh, wait a minute, sir,
now there's been
some misunderstanding.

Oh. We were expecting
a piano teacher!

Does this mean you're
not interested

in the BuddyMate Dirt-Master?

Of course not.

Well,

I don't know
how you're gonna
get all that crud off

the piano, Louise.

Oh, look at
that mess!

Oh, Helen,
you'd better call
your friend

and tell him not
to come today.

But Louise,
the recital's tomorrow!

Oh, not to worry.
She's going on anyway,
and she'll be great!

Come along, Jessica!

Well...

Honey, have you
got butterflies?

Yes.

Here, in your tummy?

No. Home in a jar.

Oh.

Well, don't worry,
it's normal to be
nervous.

Now just take
a deep breath.

And let it out.

Again,

and out.

One more time,

and out.

Oh, that...
That's enough, darling.
Grandma's getting dizzy.

Oh.

Oh.

Thank you, sweetie.

Oh.

Now,

when you get
out there,

I want you to remember
three things.

Curtsy, make eye contact
with the audience,

and smile at the judge.

Okay.

Grandma?
Yes, sweetheart.

Is the judge that
man Grandpa's
giving money to?

That's the one.

Can't stop to say hello
and visit, my dear!

I'm on my way to
see little Van!

Well, wish him
good luck.

Oh, oh, oh...

We artistes are
very superstitious.

To wish somebody
"good luck" brings
them horrible bad luck!

Good luck, Jessica.

Break a leg,
Mrs. Van Morris.

Or your face.
Or something.

George! Were you
bribing a judge?

Definitely not.
He wouldn't take it.

Van's just
about to begin.

Dear, this will be the
first in a long series

of disappointments
in your life.

Enjoy.

MC: And now,
ladies and gentlemen,
Master Van Van Morris!

Excuse me.

Backstage is
for the artistes.

All show, no go.

Hey, he stinks, too.

You're too kind.
I only wish I could
have been more brilliant.

But there's obviously
something wrong
with this piano.

Yeah, he's playing it!

Put it in your
scrapbook, sweetheart.

You know,
I'm beginning not
to like that kid.

Are you all set,
sweetie?

Grandma's
counting on you.

MC: And now,
Miss Jessica Jefferson!

Oh. Oh.

Well, go on, honey
and make me proud.

MC: Miss Jessica Jefferson!

Oh...

Come on, and let's make
those Van Morrises
eat those eighty-eights!

Come on.
MC: Miss Jessica Jefferson?

Oh, George, get out there
and cover for us.

What am I supposed
to do, I don't know
those people?

I don't know,
tell them
something interesting.

Better yet,
tell them
about yourself.

Oh, yeah,
they'll love that.

Hi, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm George Jefferson,
um... Jessica Jefferson's
grandfather,

but you don't want to
hear about me.

What you want to hear
about is my seven
dry-cleaning establishments,

throughout the city,
one near you.

Jessica,
what's the matter?

Nothing.

Now, you heard
Van play.

He sounded like he was
playing with his feet.

Now I think we really have
a chance to win this thing.

Now you do you want to play,

don't you?

Oh... Oh, why are you scared?

Oh, honey, you shouldn't
be scared of your audience.

They're your friends
and they want to love you.

Understand? And the judges,
they want you to make

the prettiest music
they've ever heard.

And the Van Morrises,

they're history.

Feel better?

Well, um, maybe
I'd better listen to you

and you talk.

I'm not afraid of
the people, or the
judges, Grandma.

Well, that's good.

And I'm not afraid of Van.
He's the pits.

Oh, yes.

Yes, he is. So what
are you afraid of?

You.

Me?

What if I mess up?

Oh, sweetheart,
there's no such thing
as messing up because

I love you.

You want to b*at
that lady.

Yes, I do. And
don't you want to
b*at her little boy?

I want to b*at him up,

but not at piano.

Well, darling, don't you
like playing piano?

I like playing ball.

You mean you've been
practicing all this time
just to please me?

And you never
ever wanted to
compete at all?

Well, I guess
I messed up, didn't I?

Just like you said,
Grandma,

there's no such thing
as messing up,
because I love you.

Aw. Bless you.

Let's get out of here.

Where are we going?
To the park.

You are going
to teach me
how to play ball.

But the biggest difference
between cotton and polyester

is the way each reacts
to temperature changes.

Where are they?

'Course the big difference
between natural fabrics
and synthetics

is that natural fabrics
breath and synthetics don't.

Now this suit
is obviously a synthetic

because it ain't breathing.

MC: Get off!