11x04 - A House Divided

[bunniefuu]

in the sky

a piece of the pie

in the kitchen

on the grill

in the big leagues

it's you and me, baby

with that

in the sky

a piece of the pie

Furthermore, I feel
that we, the tenants,
must band together

to confront the problems
in this building.

Seventeen,
eighteen...

George, what are
you looking at?

I'm counting the holes
in the acoustical tile.
It passes the time.

Oh.

One, two...
LOUISE: What...

What we need
is someone strong

to take our grievances to
Mr. Whittendale personally.

Oh, what's the use?
Whittendale's a cheap,
mean-hearted rent gouger!

ALL: Yeah!

And he wears
pastels in autumn!

If the woman in the front
row has something to add,

would she please stick
to the rules of order?

Helen!

Uh-oh, Willis, looks like
your wife's about to eat
that gavel any minute.

Thanks a lot, George.
You made me lose count.

One, two, three...

The chair recognizes
Mr. Bentley.

And Mr. Bentley
recognizes the chair.

Standard metal folding,
isn't it?

The chair no longer
recognizes Mr. Bentley.

Oh, please, Mrs. J.,
I was only joking,
you see.

It's just that I feel we may
be getting a bit petty here
tonight with our concerns.

Now, there are much
bigger issues. Nuclear
w*r, for instance.

The fact that one madman can
push a button and destroy
the entire human race.

And I just think we
should take a moment
here to reflect upon that.

Now, about that squeak in
the revolving door out
there, it seems to me...

Excuse me, Mr. Bentley.

I got a big problem,
in the laundry room.

What big problem
in the laundry room?

The amount of time
I spend there.

Mrs. Jefferson, would
it be all right with you

if I only do permanent
press one day a week?

We'll talk about
that upstairs.

Will the chair recognize the
tenant that's married to it?

What do you want, George?

Her to shut up.

Why do we have
to listen to her?
She don't pay no rent.

The way you pay me,
I'm too poor to pay
attention.

Well, maybe if you
did some work you
could get some money!

I pay you good!

Order! Order!
Florence.

Florence, would you
sit down, please?

Ladies and gentlemen,
may we carry on?

Uh, Mr. Donlevy here,
our respected president,

has tried his best
with Mr. Whittendale.

But the dear man
is tired.

Uh, we'd like to thank
him for his devoted
years in office.

But now that his
term has expired...

Looks like he's expired.

George, where
are you going?

Down to Charlie's bar
to play some Donkey Kong.

Oh, uh,
by the way, .

What?

Holes in the
acoustical tile.

Per tile.

You better count again.
I counted .

What? Oh, gee, maybe
there were two flies.

One, two...

People, we need
a new president.

Someone who can
devote her, or his...

Or her full time
to the job.

Someone strong, uh,
kind of like me.

Committed, much as I am.

Home during the day,
as I frequently
find myself.

But most important,
someone who's accustomed
to dealing with adversity.

I nominate
Louise Jefferson.

I'm speechless.
I don't know what to say.

"My dear friends...

"And neighbors.
This honor comes as a
complete and utter surprise.

"Who would have thought
that only a few short..."

Hold it, hold it!
Listen up, everybody.

I nominate my wife for
the office of president.

George, she's already
been nominated.

Weezy, I thought that's what
you had me drag down here for.

I was winning in Donkey Kong!

Well, that's my
husband for you.

He's quite a little
funster.

Mr. Jefferson, if you leave
now, you're gonna miss your
wife's spontaneous remarks.

No, I won't.
I'm the one who wrote
the spontaneous remarks.

Well, I guess I'm it.

Uh, Madam Chairperson.
Point of order.

Shouldn't we call for
any other nominations?

What? Oh, sure.
There are no other
nominations, are there?

No? Good.

Well, then since
Mr. Donlevy's term
is over on the th,

and after the building
votes, I guess you'll
take over the job, Louise.

Thank you, thank you.

Now, where's Louise
so we can get this
meeting started?

Oh, don't you
worry, Ms. Calahan.

You have my complete
support on that.

And it will remain
a priority until
it is rectified.

And I vow to you that
the next time you step
on the elevator,

you will hear music
by Helen Reddy.

hear me roar

Louise, you're not going
to believe it. You are
not going to believe it.

You are not going
to believe it!

Well, try me.
Maybe I will
believe it.

Somebody in this building
is running against you.

I don't believe it!
You're sure?

Absolutely!
I heard it from B.

But can we trust that?
B is always gossiping.

Granted. But, remember,
B is the one who told
us the story about

the stewardess in C,
who was seen on the fourth
floor knocking at apartment E.

That's right.

But doesn't she usually get
her information from F?

Sorry, but this time she
got it on good authority.

From G!

Who was told by A,
who heard it from D!

D?
Mmm-hmm.

Oh, boy, then it is true!

You can take it
to the bank.

I even went and asked
Mr. Donlevy about it.

And what did he say?

He always takes the same
position on every issue.

Louise, did you hear the
news? The whole building
is buzzing with it.

Yeah.
I guess it's true.

But it could
be idle gossip.

Tom, it came from D.

Oh, Louise.

I know who it is!

Mrs. Neumeier from F.

One day I lost my head,

and said something
awful to Gabby, her
talking mynah bird.

Uh, forgive me for
asking, Louise, but...

why did you say something
awful to a bird?

He kept asking me to make
an egg with him, okay?

It's got to be her!

And she didn't come to
the tenants' meeting either.

That's because they don't
live in the building anymore.

I heard from C
that Gabby got asthma

and they both
moved to Arizona.

I hope the coyotes get him.

But who could it be?

Well, there's no point
in standing around
here speculating.

Yes. We've got
to find the facts.

Good idea.
Where should we start?

ALL: D!

Oh, Louise, you have
such good support in
this building.

Someone has got to
be a pretty big fool
to run against you.

Oh, a real idiot.

George?

George!

Now, Louise, don't
do anything hasty.

But I am so angry!

I know.

But don't do
anything hasty.

Make it slow,

and painful!

I don't believe it.

How could George
do this to me?

Why would he
do it to you?

Yeah, the only thing
on his mind during the
whole tenants' meeting

was counting the holes
in the acoustical tiles.

Forty-three, Tom.

Then there was a fly.

Mr. Whittendale,
I appreciate the
posters and everything.

And they really dress
up the elevators.

But to run against my wife?
She'll k*ll me.

For the last time,
Jefferson,
I hold in my hand,

the soon-to-expire lease
on Dave's Discount Records.

Do you or do you not want
to expand your downstairs
store into Dave's?

Of course I do!
The location is terrific,
it's right next door.

But run against my wife?

I told you, Jefferson.
I don't want her in
that office.

I want someone in there
who will watch out for
my best interests.

Someone who is
weak, ineffective,

spineless,
if you will.

Jefferson,
I want you!

Look, I'm flattered
and honored, sir.

But like I say,
run against my wife?
She'll strangle me.

But of course with that
extra space, there'll be
a lot of places to hide.

Jefferson, you win
that election and
Dave's is yours.

Oh, hold it.
There's one more
little problem, sir.

This may come
as a surprise to you,
but through the years,

I've sort of offended
a lot of people in the
building so, um...

Some of the people in the
building, uh, well, they,
uh, how can I put this?

Hate you.

Right. So how am I going
to run against Weezy?

That's your problem.

But you want this
lease bad enough,
you'll find a way.

But, sir...
Oh, and,
Jefferson, remember.

This conversation
never took place.

What conversation?

Jefferson...

Ah, what a beautiful day!

Isn't it great to be alive?

It sure is.
Enjoy it while it lasts.

George,
I know you're low,
but this is the lowest.

I know you're sneaky,
but this is the sneakiest.

And I know your kind,
and this is the kindest...
Uh...

Whoops!
Uh, let's start again.

Uh, listen, would you
two excuse us, please?

I would like to as*ault
my husband in private.

Aw, come on, Louise,
it was just starting
to get interesting.

She's right, Tom. Let's go.
We can read it tomorrow...

In the obituaries.

Oh, George, I thought
you were fair, and
this is the fairest...

Uh, you know, this just
isn't my day, is it?

George, how dare
you run against me!

How dare you
humiliate me like this?

This is beautiful!
It's working.

What are you
talking about?

My plan, Weez.
Look, if you can't see
through it, nobody else will.

Plan? What plan?

Weez, have you ever
heard of a little
place called Russia?

Oh, brother!

No, look, Weez, I'm
serious, now. In Russia
you don't have a choice.

You only have one
candidate to vote for.
Is that what you want?

To turn our beautiful American
building into Kremlin City?

Wait.

What am I even
worried about?

Nobody's gonna
vote for you anyway.

Exactly. I'm a
paper candidate.

I don't wanna take
no votes from you.
I wouldn't even try.

Okay, Ralph, what dirt
did you get on my wife?

Sir, to be your campaign
manager is one thing.

But I consider your
wife to be a friend,

and the very thought
of dragging her name
through the mud,

of spreading
ugly, vicious...

I'll double your fee.

We'll bury her, sir.

You got
all that on Weez?

Oh, no, no,
dear me, no.

This is just my own
personal collection
of all the tenants'

little, shall we
say, "quirks."

Let's see.

G, H...

What a little devil
Mr. Huntington is.

I, J, yes, sir...

Mrs. Jackson and
the census-taker,

Mrs. Jackson
and the UPS man,

Mrs. Jackson and
the roofing crew.

Ah, here we are.
Jefferson.

Give it all to me, Ralph.
I want to grind her up.

I want to bury her
face in the mud.

But, I don't want
to hurt her feelings.

I understand, sir.
Here's a goody.

No, that's about you.

Here's one.

Nope.
That's you, too.

Ah, I remember this.
This is a doozy.

Nope. You again.

Look, Ralph, don't you
have anything on her?

Not a thing...
Other than that
she married you.

Let's use this.
Wait a minute.
What am I saying?

Come on, Ralph, we've
got to find something.

We'd better,
because you're
slipping at the polls.

Polls?
You took a poll?
Of course.

Here. In the, uh,
- year age range,
you don't have a vote.

Uh, women, zip.

Seniors, nada.

Ah, but now here's
your power base.

Your middle-aged, black,
male dry cleaners.

You carry them %.

Great! Wait a minute.
I'm the only one in
the building.

Don't move out.

We're in trouble, right?

Well, the cavalry
may be on its way.

I sent a copy of the poll
to Mr. Whittendale.

What'd you do that for?
$.

You may be the candidate,
but he's the machine.

I'll get that, sir.

I'll get it, and we'll
just, uh, deduct that
from the slush fund.

Sir!

GEORGE:
Mr. Whittendale.

I've been going
over the polls.

Not exactly the people's
choice, are we, Jefferson?

No, sir, but we are carrying
the black, middle-aged
dry cleaner %, sir.

He likes to call
that his power base.

Come off it.
You're getting nowhere.

Look, I don't have
the stomach for this,
Mr. Whittendale.

Nonsense. Jefferson, you
need that store, don't you?

More than oxygen itself.

Then let me share a
little bit of personal
philosophy with you.

When it comes to
getting what you want,

whatever it takes,
that's what it takes.

So, let me tell you
the way it's going
to go down...

...and point .

If elected, I pledge to
stand up to the management,

and not take "no"
for an answer.

Point .
My opponent is a pipsqueak.

Thank you.

Thank you, Candidate
Jefferson Number One.

And I now call on
Candidate Jefferson Number
Two for his rebuttal.

I rebutt.

Well, that was succinct.

Thank you.

Uh, now before we start
the election, I'd like
to remind everyone

to really pitch in on their
contributions for our beloved
ex-president, Mr. Donlevy.

Oh, my.
He's dead?

Not yet.

But he is honeymooning in
Florida with a -year-old.

Oh, that's preposterous.

Florida's so humid
this time of year.

And, uh, now we'll have
our nominees discuss the
issues with our landlord,

Mr. Whittendale, who
has graciously invited
himself to our meeting.

Mr. Whittendale,
the floor is yours.

Mr. Willis, the entire
building is mine.

Now, I'm a very busy man,
so let's get on with it.

Soften him up
for me, Weez.

With pleasure.

Uh, Mr. Whittendale,
let's start with the garage.

It's dirty, the lights
are always out,

and it's impossible
to find your own car.

Now, what do you say to that?

Take cabs.

George?

Uh, Mr. Whittendale,
the garage is dark.

A very valid point,
Jefferson.

I'll price neon fixtures
first thing next week.

Uh, my, uh, second
complaint, Mr. Whittendale,
concerns the elevator.

It's practically obsolete,

and when it works,
if it works, it's
slow and inconvenient.

It goes up.
It goes down.
Just like life.

Your serve.

Uh, Mr. Whittendale,
is it really just like life?

When you put it that
way, I see the problem.

I'll look into more
modern equipment
right away.

Do you smell a rat?

No, but you could put
saddles on the cockroaches
in my apartment.

A more immediate problem
is the carpet in the lobby.

It's frayed and
a safety hazard.

People could
trip on it.

Then walk through the garage.

It'll be better lit by then.

He will never budge
on that carpet.

Okay.
Okay, Jefferson.

I'll have some samples
sent over first thing
in the morning.

Perhaps a durable,
tufted polyester.

Isn't the democratic
process just marvelous?

And now we'll continue our
discussion with you, Louise.

A discussion?
Don't you mean,
"a performance"?

What are you saying?

I'm saying that
Mr. Whittendale
and my husband

have conspired
to overthrow me.

GEORGE: What?
That's a lie!

A lie, is it?

Well, how do you explain...

Wait a minute,
Mr. Whittendale.

Nobody calls my wife
a liar and gets away
with it.

Jefferson, don't
do anything rash.

Look, I can live
with a little rash.

But I've gotta
come clean, Weez.

This was all a set-up.

I knew it.

Jefferson!
GEORGE: That's right.

Mr. Whittendale was going to
take back all of his promises
the minute that I was elected.

You'll pay for this.

Maybe so, but that's better
than the people in the
building paying for it.

Oh, George.
I don't know what to say.

I do.
Let's get on
with the voting.

Please step forward and
pick up your ballots.

It worked like a charm,
didn't it, Jefferson?

Just like you
said it would.

They loved you for
standing up to me.

There's no way
you can lose.

If I may compliment you,
sir, I was extraordinary,
wasn't I?

Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have your
attention, please?

We've just counted the
ballots for the fourth time,

and there's an unusual
situation here.

A tie.

A tie?

A tie.
Nobody wins.
Nobody loses.

No feeling of euphoria,
yet none of remorse.

No smiles, no frowns.
No ups, no downs.

Do you know,
I've just realized
something.

What's that?

My life is a tie.

Oh, wait a minute.

I just went over
the tenants list,

and one person here
hasn't voted yet.

Who would bother to
come to a tenants
meeting and not vote?

George.

Good work, Jefferson.
As soon as you cast your
vote, the lease is yours.

Well, sir, I was thinking,
as soon as you sign the lease,

then I'd cast my vote.

Why should I trust
you, Jefferson?

You were part of a
very underhanded plan.

But correct me if I'm wrong,
it was your underhand that
came up with the plan.

Tell you what.

Why don't we sign our
documents simultaneously?

Sounds good enough to me.

Here's a ballot for you.

Thank you.

Thank you, Jefferson,
for a job well done.

And may I extend
my congratulations

to the new president
of the Tenants Council...

Louise Jefferson!

Oh, my God!

Oh, George.
You've made me
so happy!

Well, Weez, you're the
best person for the job.

Oh, Jefferson, how could
you double-cross me like
this?

Mr. Whittendale, when it
comes to what you want,

whatever it takes,
is what it takes.

Thank you. I'm holding
in my hand the lease to
Dave's Discount Records,

signed by the man himself,
Mr. Roy Rogers.