11x05 - Some Enchanted Evening

[bunniefuu]

in the sky

a piece of the pie

in the kitchen

on the grill

in the big leagues

it's you and me, baby

with that

in the sky

a piece of the pie

Girl, I thought you was
a soap opera fan.

Amanda child,
didn't you read the rules?

All contestants must be Kent
Tobin fan club members.

Yeah. The poem must be
no longer than words
and must be titled,

What Kent Tobin's
Hair Do Means To Me.

Listen to mine.

"Kent Tobin, Kent Tobin,
I sure love your hair.

"It's curly and black
and you wear it with flair.

"Your pompadour's great,
your sideburns are, too.

"I would do anything
to be your shampoo."

Well, what do you think?

Amanda child,
that don't even rhyme.

Well listen, girl, I gotta go.
I'll talk to you later.

Florence, I just can't decide
which earrings to wear
to the charity ball.

Now, what do you
think of these?

Those are nice.

How about these?

Beautiful. Beautiful.

Or how about these?

Perfect.

Florence, you're not paying
any attention to me!

Well, why should I pay
attention to a woman
with bananas in her ears?

Because she's the one who
puts bread in your pocket!

I'm sorry, Miss Jefferson.

But it's just that when I'm
looking at my Kent Tobin
fan club newsletter, child,

all other forms of life
cease to exist.

Well, Weez, what do you
think? How do I look?

Oh, you look wonderful.

I do, don't I?

It's amazing what a man
like me can do
for a simple tuxedo.

You know, that's funny.
I was gonna say it's amazing

what a tuxedo can do
for such a simple man.

Well, I see you've decided
to wear a vest instead
of a cummerbund.

Yeah, you know, Weezy,
I figured a vest points
out my style more.

My class.
My sophistication.
You know?

Besides, when I sit down,
the cummerbund
rides up on me.

Feels like
I'm wearing a bra.

Where are the Willises?

You know, I'm surprised
to see you so excited.

I always thought you found
these charity balls boring.

What made you think that?

Because you spent the last
one flicking peas into the
saxophone with your spoon.

That's only because
the tuba was too easy.

Besides, Weez, this is
different. I mean, this is
a charity I care about.

This is one that's
close to my heart.

What's the name
of it again?

Americans Against Amnesia.

Right.

Oh, hello, George.

Well, it's about time.
Oh, Louise, you
look beautiful.

Gorgeous.
Both of you.
Thank you.

But aren't you two
a little early?

Well, it's a warm evening
and the hotel is not
too far away.

We thought we'd take a
leisurely walk over there.

What? I'm surprised
at you, Willis.

They're gonna start serving
hors d'oeuvres in exactly
five minutes.

Helen, do you have the
number of Rocket Cab?

You know, Tom, sometimes
I wish you'd look at me
the way you look at ramaki.

Never mind.
I'll call information.

Well, don't you all
look terrific.

Oh, thank you, Florence.

Thank you. I wish you
were going with us.

Oh, I'm gonna stay here
and do some cleaning.

And then I'm gonna
do some reading.

I got the new soap
opera magazine.

Hmm. Excuse me.

You know, I can't believe
how many people spend so
much time watching

those silly soap operas.

Well, what do you
mean silly?

Well, they take up the
best part of your day,

and they sensationalize
everything.

And worst of all,
do you really think
that if Sabrina

was having
Dr. Beaumont's baby,

she would jeopardize her
marriage to Kevin by naming
the baby after him?

Oh, I tell you,
now, let's get serious.

No, let's get going.

Uh, yes. I don't wanna
miss Senator Collier's
opening remarks.

Oh, didn't we tell you?
Senator Collier
won't be there.

But he's always been such
a big supporter in the
fight against amnesia.

What happened?
He forgot.

Oh, they got a last
minute replacement.
Kent Tobin.

Who?

Kent Tobin.

He's been interested
in amnesia ever since
that character

he plays on the soap
opera developed it.

Take me with you!
Please, take me with you!

Florence, please!
My creases!
Oh, Mr. Willis, please.

You said you wished
I was going.

Yeah, that's before
he knew you wanted to go.

Oh, Miss Jefferson,
please.

Well, Florence,
it's sold out.

Well, let me go
in your place.

I'm sorry. But I have
to go with George.

I've got business.

And miss
the hors d'oeuvres?

And miss Kent Tobin?

Oh!

Oh, Florence, I know
you're disappointed.

But behind every dark cloud
there's a silver lining.

Now I remember
when I was a young girl,

Billy Ekstein was singing
at the Apollo

and I had to stay home.

I was crushed.

But it turned out to be
the luckiest day
in my life.

A delivery boy came
to the house.

And do you know who
that delivery boy was?

George Jefferson.

You gotta take me with you!

Oh, we're sorry.
We can't.

Well, could you at least
give him my poem?

Oh, of course.

"I'd do anything
to be your shampoo."

Oh, oh, gee,
Florence, but we'll be a
little far from the dais.

I'll see that he gets it.

Oh, thank you,
Mr. Willis.

At least somebody's
looking out for me.

Cab's here.

Thanks, Ralph but you
could have just called.

I know, sir. But I always
feel a phone's so cold,

so impersonal.

So unprofitable.

If you insist, sir.
Thank you.

Come on, y'all,
let's go.

Are you sure you're gonna
be all right?

Yeah, I'll just stay here
and have fun on my own.

All right. Bye-bye.

Oh, look, the fun's
started already.

Oh, Florence.

Goodbye, everybody.
Goodbye.

Have fun.
Don't do anything
I wouldn't do.

I wanna puke.

They did it again,
didn't they, Florence?

What?

Went gallivanting off,
flaunting their money,

leaving you here
with nothing to do
and no one to do it with

in a tattered
but comfortable
house dress.

Don't try to cheer me
up, Ralph.

What's it gonna be
tonight, Florence?
Solitaire? Reruns?

Or, it pains me to say it,
turning in a little early?

You're real depressing,
you know?

Oh, I'm sorry, Florence but
it's the same old Cinderella
story all over again.

Here you sit in your rag
of a house dress

while the wicked
stepsisters are at the ball.

I don't wanna talk
about it, Ralph.

I can't blame you.

You wanna play a game
of Scrabble?

Oh, I'd love to.
But I have to get dressed.

I'm going to the ball.

Haven't you heard?
Kent Tobin's gonna be there.

Even Ralph gets to go
to the ball.

My one chance to meet Kent
Tobin and I have to miss it.

FLORENCE'S VOICE
Ralph was right,
I am like Cinderella.

I wish I had
a fairy godmother.

Who are you?

I'm your godfather.

My godfather?

Yeah.
We dropped the fairy part.
After all, this is the 's.

If you think I'm gonna
buy this song and dance
routine about you

being my magical godfather,
then your magical mama
raised a fool.

Careful. You could cost
yourself a wish.

Oh, sure. Are you trying
to tell me that you can
make wishes come true?

Try this on for size.

I didn't wish
for a sandwich.

I know. But I did.

How many times
have I told them
to hold the mayo?

You really can do magic!

Oh, would you grant me
a wish? Please?
Please? Pretty please?

Oh, yeah. Sure, sure.
Oh, uh, oh, no,
this is so typical.

Nobody ever believes me.

And then when I finally
convince them, it's give
me, give me, give me.

Well, Santa has
the same problem.

We were just talking
about it at our
group therapy session.

Group therapy?

Yeah. There's a bunch
of us that nobody ever
believes in.

There's me, Santa,
the tooth fairy,

and two used car salesmen
from New Jersey.

Listen, I'm sorry
I didn't believe you

but I thought at least
you'd have a magic wand.

Nah. Nowadays I use this
magical digital watch.

Hey, do you realize
it's : am in Rangoon?

Let me see that.

My hand went
right through you.

Yeah. I should have
been a boxer.

I could have been
a contender.

Wow!

And that's not all.

You're the only one
who can see me.

Well, big deal.
I'm the only one here.

Wrong, kitchen
cleanser breath.

Your wicked stepsisters
are on their way.

How do you know?

Trust me.

I have the prettiest gown.

No. I have the
prettiest gown.

No, I do!

No, I do!

Get serious, hose nose.

Yuk, yuk, yuk.

Well, I'll be the prettiest
one at the ball.

No, I will!

No, I will!

This is gonna be one
butt ugly ball.

Are you laughing at us?

No, uh...
I, I, I was just thinking
about the time you,

you put the tabasco
in my toothpaste.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that was amusing.

Wasn't it, hot lips?

Well, Florence,
while we're having the time
of our life tonight,

we want you to scrub and
polish this entire house.

That's right. Prince Kent is
choosing his bride tonight

so, of course,
I'll be bringing him home.

No, I will.

No, I will!

Fat chance, hog hair!

Daddy! Florence
is laughing at us!

Now, now, girls,
she's not laughing at you.

She's just delirious
from eating her own cooking.

But never mind her.

Run along.
You need to get ready.

Go put on your
loveliest gowns.

Oh, but these are
our loveliest gowns.

Oh, well in that case,
put on some make-up.

But we are made up.

Oh. Well, then we'll just
tell everyone that the ball
is a Halloween party.

Okay, now,
let's work on our attitudes.
Heads high.

Shoulders back.
Think lovely.

Think glamorous.
Think beautiful.

Think harder.

See? She's laughing
at us again!

Be kind. The simple minded
laugh at anything.

Now, you must remember
to catch the prince's eye,
you must be desirable.

Spray 'em down.
They need all the
help they can get.

Oh, I wish I could
meet the prince.

You?

Don't be ridiculous.

Uh, uh, uh. Don't laugh.

The prince just might
wanna meet her.

You really think so?

No. He already has a maid.

She's such a pig!

Stepdaddy, they're
laughing at me.

You deserve it.

Oh, you really wanna go
to that ball, don't you?

Oh, more than anything.

But I could never
go like this.

Why do you think
I'm here?

The question
has crossed my mind.

I can get you in.
Come this way.

Go in there and when you
come back out that door,
you'll be a new woman.

A new woman?
Uh-huh.

Ah.

Ta-da!

This ain't exactly
what I had in mind.

Be grateful. Last week
it was a rhinoceros.

Ready to try again?

Couldn't I just click
my heels and wind up
in Bloomingdale's?

Hey, that's a great idea.

But before you do,

there are two things
that you must remember.

First, the magic spell
wears off at midnight.

And second, always
brush after every meal.

What?

Oh, I'm, I'm sorry.
That darn tooth fairy.

He always dominates
those group therapy sessions.

His Royal Highness
the King and Mrs. Albania.

An obnoxious father and his
two ugly daughters.

This is a nice ball
y'all having here...

Your panties are showing.

I got you to look.

Hey, Helen, look!
Food!

Look, it's gonna be
hard enough trying to get
you married off

without bean dip
on your chin.

Sorry, Daddy.

That's okay.
Just think pretty.

There's no reason why Kent
wouldn't marry one of you.

Just think positive.

And put bags over
your heads.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it gives me great pleasure

to introduce to you one
of my oldest and dearest
friends.

This guy is such a beautiful
man, I'm not ashamed
to say I love him.

Your favorite soap star
and his. Prince Kent!

Hello, Mother.

Don't kiss me hand
and don't
'Hello, Mother' me.

So, Mr. Big sh*t,
when are you going
to choose a bride, eh?

Oh, come on, Mom.

There's lots of women
and so little time.

And only one magnificent me.

Why you have to be
so picky?

Well, there's lots of things.
I've always liked women
with long hair.

Mmm-hmm.

And of course, I've always
liked women with short
hair, too...

Ugh.

I like short women.
Slouch.

PRINCE KENT:
And I like tall women.

Up, tippy toes,
tippy toes.

Very tall women.

Call the dungeon.
I need a stretching rack.

But the thing that is most
important to me is a woman
with true inner beauty.

Hey, we're in luck.
He's not looking
at the outside.

Now tell me, who's gonna
get the first dance, eh?

Well, I think I'll pick...

No.
No.

No.
No.

No.

No.

Pick, pick!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Florence Johnston.

WOMAN: Oh! She's gorgeous!
Isn't she beautiful?

I pick her!

Where have
you been all my life?

On my knees, scrubbing that
waxy yellow build up.

Don't worry.
I'll take care
of everything.

Well, I see you've met
my favorite daughter.

Florence, did I tell you
you're in my will?

This is your daughter?

Yes. By my former wife
and a different husband.

Don't you notice
the resemblance?

If you'll excuse us, I'm
trying to show this woman
the time of her life.

Oh. Well,
may I cut in?

Do you mind if Florence
and I have a moment alone?

Well, may I join in?

Let me answer you
this way.

Guards!

No, but you don't under...
Sorry, fellas, my dance
card is all filled up.

No, but please.

Oh, Florence, your eyes.

Did I ever tell you how
beautiful I look in them?

Oh, Kent.

I've looked for you so long.

Will you love me?

Will you marry me?

Will you be my shampoo?

I'll have
to think about it.

Yes.

You'll make me the
happiest handsome
man in the world.

Can we seal
this moment with a kiss?

Hold it.

Ready, willing
and puckered.

It's almost midnight!

Hurry, kiss me.
I will, my angel.

But first...

...please accept this rose
as a token of my love.

Thanks, fine, wonderful.

Can we get on with it?
I will, my sweetness.

But let me tell you how
my heart is filled with joy.

You've made the world
an even more beautiful
place than I have.

I'll do everything
in my power
to make you happy.

Quick. Fly us to an
earlier time zone.

Florence, I'm truly
a lucky man.

You're charming,
you're witty,
you're beautiful.

And out of time.

Now where were we?

Florence!
What are you doing?

Uh, uh... Oh, oh, I...
I was just making sure
that the Scotchgard's

still good on this pillow.

Yep.
Good through the holidays.

So, how was the ball?

Oh, you didn't miss
anything, Florence.

It really wasn't
too much fun.

What are you
talking about?
It was great.

Kent Tobin sat right
at our table.

George!

Oh, he sent you
his picture, though.

Oh.

"Dear Florence,
Thanks for the poem.

"It was really adequate.

"Love, Kent."

And he asked us
to give you this.

Oh, Florence, we really
are sorry we couldn't
take you with us.

But we'll make it up
to you somehow.

Oh, that's okay,
Miss Jefferson.

I had the time
of my life right here.

He called me adequate.