11x06 - The Gift

[bunniefuu]

in the sky

a piece of the pie

in the kitchen

on the grill

in the big leagues

it's you and me, baby

with that

in the sky

a piece of the pie

Weez?

Weezy, you home?

I'm in the mood,
sweetheart.

Come on, Bentley,
she ain't here.

If she was home,
she would have been
all over me by now.

What about Florence?

Oh, Florence
goes out every Sunday.

And who'd be in the mood
for her anyway?

I'm... I'm having
a bit of difficulty, Mr. J.

Can you
give me a hand?

The couch is right
in front of you.
Whoa...

Why don't I just
put them down here?

Don't you just love
surprise parties, Bentley?

Oh, indeed I do,
Mr. J. Yes.

You know, I still
remember my first one.

Ice cream and
cake for my friends.

You know, and
pin the tail on the donkey.

My mother
hired a clown.

It hardly
seems two years
since that happy day.

Well, Mr. J,

are you finally
gonna tell me what
the occasion is or not?

Well, if you're
going to beg,

this happens to be
the biggest event

that ever happened
to me in my life.

I'll give you a hint.
Think dry cleaning.

Oh. All right, let's see.

You got the dry cleaning
contract for the
United States Coast Guard,

the entire nation of Brazil,
and the planet Venus.

Ha! Not even close.

Today I, George Jefferson,

cleaned the Mayor
of New York City's pants.

Yes?

I cleaned
the Mayor's pants.

So you cleaned
the Mayor's pants.
Right.

And this isn't a joke?

Bentley, this is
too big a thing
to be joking about.

And you're not just
setting me up
to laugh at me later?

Of course not.

Well, in that case, Mr. J,
my heartiest congratulations.

Thank you, my friend.

Yeah, that's why I
went out and got
all this party stuff, see?

I got me some hats,
some whistles,
some horns, confetti.

I figured I'd set
everything up, and once
everybody's in the mood,

then I'll drop
my bombshell.

And what bombshell
is that, Mr. J?

The Mayor's pants.

Now where
should I put this?

Oh, you were
serious about that.

Look, Bentley,

if somebody had
told me years ago

that the day would come
that I would be cleaning
the Mayor's pants,

I'd have told the guy
he was nuts.

Well, yes, if years
ago somebody told
me that one day

I would be congratulating
the man who cleaned
the Mayor's pants,

I would have thought
he was nuts, too.

It finally hit you, huh?

Look, don't say
nothing about this
to anybody, okay?

Oh, rest assured, Mr. J,

I won't tell a soul.
You can count on me.
Good.

Especially Weezy.
You see,

women they don't have
many fun things
happen to them in life,

so they look
forward to these
surprises from their men.

Oh, I'm sure
she'll be very proud.

She'll flip. You know
how it was in the old days

when the knight used to
go out and slay the dragon
for his lady fair?

Well, today we ain't
got no dragons.

Well, we can thank
the Lord that we
still live in a society

where elected officials
wear pants.

Hey, you know what, Bentley?
I got a plan.

Now...

In this plan you're
gonna be the key man, okay?

I'm the key man?
Right.

This is what
I want you to do.

I want you to come over
here about : sharp,

get Louise,
take her over to your
place, okay?

And at : you
send her back over here.

Send her back, Mr. J?
Don't you mean
I bring her back?

I said you were the key man,
I didn't say you were invited.

Huh, the nerve
of some people.

Hello, New York Times?
Yes, uh, I'd like the
headline section, please.

What story?

Oh, the story. Oh, well,
uh, it goes like this.

As you know there are
no dragons around today,

but in our fair city,
history was made today
because George...

I can't talk now.
I'll see you later.

Oh, hi, George.
What are you doing home?

The same thing as you,
except I'm
not asking questions.

Well, what are
you talking about?

Me asking questions?

Why would you
say something like that?

And what are all those
things doing there
on the sofa?

Nothing. I just picked up
some groceries, all right?
I'll get rid of them.

Oh, let me help you.
No, no.

No. I'll do
it myself.

This might be the last time
I get a chance to do this.

Since when
does he shop?

Now, Helen, be fair.

I mean, once in a while
George does something
thoughtful around the house.

Ha!
Well, I remember

he took out the
garbage once in .

Well, I still say
he's acting a
little strange,

even for him.

Well, wait a minute.

This might explain it.

Oh, Helen,
he remembered!

Well, what's
to remember?

It's not
hard to operate.

No. You know
what I'm talking about.

He was acting nervous,

and he couldn't wait
to get those packages
out of the room.

And we found
this party favor.

Oh, he remembered
my birthday after all,

and he's throwing me
a surprise party tonight!

HELEN: Oh, Louise,
maybe you're right.

You know, Tom did tell
me that we were invited
someplace special tonight,

but he
wouldn't say where.

Oh, Helen,
I married a saint.

He remembered.

Well, it's about time.

Are you forgetting
how you spent your
birthday last year?

Falling asleep to
The Best of Carson

while the saint was
out bowling with the boys.

Well, the point is
he remembered this year,

and I couldn't
be happier.

Now you can say what you want
about my husband, but...

HELEN: Okay. He is loud.

He abuses people...

And he really doesn't
let anybody else
get a word in...

Now, Helen!

Okay, so life
isn't always a

bowl of cherries
with George.

But moments like this,

they make me feel
so complete, so happy.

You know,
I've got to be honest.

If he had forgotten
my birthday again this year,

I think I would have d*ed.

HELEN: Oh, Louise,
wait a minute.

You haven't even
mentioned the best part.

LOUISE: What's that?
Well, look,

if he went to this
much trouble to
throw you a party,

just think of what he must
have bought you for a present.

Oh, you're right!

Oh, it's gotta be
something really special.

I wonder what
it can be?

Oh, come on, Helen,

help me find
something to wear.

Okay.

But let's not
make it too fancy,

'cause then he'll know
that you know.

But on the other hand,
let's make sure
it is something black.

LOUISE: Why?
Why?

To go with the diamonds,
of course.

Oh...

Boy, am I
glad to see you.

You talking to me?

Yes, Florence, look I need
your help. I'm in trouble.

Let me guess. You forgot
your wife's birthday.

How'd you know?

Well, number one,
today's her birthday.

Number two,
as long as I have known you,

you have never
remembered her birthday.

And number three,
and this is
a dead giveaway,

you're glad to see me.

Look, Florence,
I need your advice.

Okay, you got
any cash on you?

Of course I have cash.
But don't you think
cash is kind of impersonal?

Not at the Hilton.
And that's where you're
gonna be staying tonight.

What are you talking about?
You act like you

always remember to
get her something.

Hey, ever since
I've known Miss Jefferson,

I have always gotten her
a gift on her birthday.

A-ha! But you do admit
that before you met her,

you didn't get
her anything.

If you'll excuse me.
Come on, Florence, now.

It's after : and all
the stores are closed.

Well, it's too bad
you don't remember

to watch the calendar
like you do your watch.

I'll tell you what,
I'll give you bucks
for what you got her.

Mr. Jefferson,
I could never do that.

Come on, Florence.
Okay, I'll make it $.

I don't think you really...
Look, hold it,
look, here's $.

Now. Okay? Now just
give me the package.
Thank you.

Okay, you got it...

What is this?

This is what you bought
my wife for her birthday?

No, that's what you bought
your wife for her birthday.

I got her
these earrings.

Look, Florence, come on,
what am I gonna do?

Well, you can always
use that to wallpaper
your new room at the hotel.

I knew I shouldn't have
asked you for no advice.

Hey, Florence, you're not
gonna tell Weezy
that I forgot, are you?

Oh, don't worry,
Mr. Jefferson.

Do I look like
that kind of person?

I'm not the kind the person
who would humiliate her,

hurt her feelings, and
cause her to question the
basis of her whole marriage.

You're doing a good enough
job of that by yourself.

Charlie!
Hey, Mr. Jefferson.

Charlie, I need some advice.
I'm in big trouble. Quick.

I'm in trouble.
Oh, yeah.
Look, Mr. Jefferson,

could you excuse me
for a minute?

I'm talking with
Mr. Mendelson here,
and he's in pretty bad shape.

See, I don't know
what to do, Charlie.

See, I lost my business
to the casino, right?

My son stole
government secrets
with his home computer.

And my wife
took off with
her aerobics instructor.

They ended a
kilometer race,

and they
never stopped running.

Charlie, I need
some advice!

Mr. Jefferson,
this is serious.
The man needs me.

Who spends more money here?
Me or him?

Your time's up.
My : appointment
is here.

Okay, Mr. Jefferson,
what can I do for you, sir?

Charlie, I'm in big trouble.
Big trouble.

Oh, what a shame.

I mean, if something bad
should happen to you
on your wife's birthday,

of all days.

How'd you know
today is her birthday?

Oh, I don't know.
Somebody mentioned it
a couple of years ago.

I mean, you know how it is.

When you give a damn about
somebody, you kind of
remember stuff like that.

What's your problem?

I forgot her birthday.
Oh.

Well, hey,
listen, come on.

How you gonna
keep track?

I mean, her last one
was what,

easily a whole year ago.

Come on, Charlie,
I gotta come up with a gift.

A good one and fast,
or else I'm gonna
break her heart.

Well, what are
you worried about?
You came to the right man.

Oh, yeah?
You can find something?

Well, no, but I can
get you so drunk
it won't make a difference.

Charlie, this is serious!
All right, all right.

Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute, I know!

Women go
nuts for this.

Those little
cocktail napkins with
the dirty jokes on them.

Huh?

I don't know.
I think that's more for
anniversaries or something.

Yeah, I think
you're right. Yeah.

Oh, wait a minute.
What's the matter with me?

Look, you wanna give
your wife something

to let her know
that you love her
on her birthday, right?

Right!
Well, why don't
you do what I do?

Say it with olives.

I knew I shouldn't have
come here for nothing.

Never mind, Charlie.

Oh, listen, buddy.
What?

Look, I'm sorry
I was so rude when
I came by before.

Is your wife
really leaving you?

She already has.

Well, listen, uh,

she didn't happen to leave
any furs or rings, anything
that you might want to sell?

No, she didn't
leave anything.

As a matter of fact,
you wanna hear
what else she did?

Why should I?
It's your problem.

Excuse me.

I hope you two
weren't saying
anything personal.

I'd like to ask
your lady one question.

Would you happen
to be a size ?

Oh, sorry.
Forget it.
Never mind.

My problem is solved.
Ralph!

Hello there,
Mr. Jefferson, sir.

Look, Ralph, I'm in trouble.
I need your help.

Oh, it's been
a pretty busy day, sir.

Would this be social
or is it business?

Well, it could
save my life.

Good.
Let's call it business.

Have a seat, sir.

Look, Ralph,
I'm in trouble.

Today is Weezy's birthday.
I forgot to get her a gift.

Pity. I didn't.

Look, all the
stores are closed.
I'm up the creek.

Charlie, how about a sh*t
of that good stuff

on Mr. Jefferson here?

Ralph, this is serious.
She's gonna k*ll me.

Leave the bottle, Charlie.
Oh, sure.

Oh, uh,
Mr. Jefferson,

those olives,
they are pitted.

b*at it, Charlie.

b*ating it, sir.

Well, sir,

I think we might be able
to come up with something.

Fantastic, Ralph. Look,

don't mention a word
of this to anybody.

I wouldn't do
a thing like that.

Why you can confide in me
with the same trust you'd give

a priest
hearing your confession.

Look at that, here comes
the collection plate now.

You haven't
done anything yet.

A mere technicality, sir,

because you are looking
at the proprietor

of the lost and found
department in this building.

Fortunately, for you,

people are always, uh,

misplacing various trinkets
around the building.

And then they're
forgetting to claim them.

I'd like to see
this lost and found.

Well, now, sir,
that, uh...

That's an awful
lot of trouble.

Uh-huh... Okay, okay.
I get the idea.

How 'bout bucks?

That's just fine, sir.

Follow me.

You break it,
you bought it, sir.

Ralph, now this
is a new low.

Now before you
get carried away, sir,

bear in mind that I don't
sell any of these items

unless they've been
on the unclaimed list
for at least a year.

And furthermore,
I have posted a list

of same said items

in a prominent place
right here in this building.

I never saw a list.

Yeah, you don't get down
to the boiler room
very often, do you, sir?

If I wasn't so desperate,
I'd choke you.

Now, sir,

talk like that
could close down
the jewelry department.

But, uh, business has
been a little slow lately.

Yeah, say, say,
Mr. Jefferson, how,
how about this one?

$..
Special this week, sir.

Don't you have something
a little more expensive?

Well then,
why don't we just
cross right over

to the display case?

Boy, how much
is this one, Ralph?

I'm sorry, Charlie,

that's already
on lay away.

Oh...

All right,
I'll take this one.

Whoa, whoa, Mr. Jefferson,
didn't you say

you wanted something
a little more expensive?

Hold it! Hold it!
What do you get a commission
here or something?

Wait a minute, sir.

Listen,

I think I've got the
perfect item right here.

How about this ring?

It looks cheap.
Cheap? No, no, no.

You can check it
out yourself.

Here. You just check
the stone, the color,
and the clarity.

Go ahead, check it.

Oh...

It looks nice.

Oh...

How much?

Well, sir, let's keep
the arithmetic simple.

How about $,
'cause you're a friend.

You gotta be crazy.

Well, sir, you know...

You can't put
a price on love.

Whereas, a woman
can certainly put

a large one on divorce.

A , bucks,
you got it.
Give me the thing.

May I suggest, sir,

that first we take a brief
visit to the boiler room.

What for?

A gift box, of course.

Where do you want the
ring to come from?

Oh... Tiffany's? Cartier?

Surprise!

Surprise?

Uh-huh...

I get it.

It is evident that
all you people
forgot that today

is my Weezy's birthday.

You did it again, George.
Did what?

You forgot my birthday.

What are you
talking about, Weezy?

You know that bag I told you
was full of groceries,

well that happened
to be full of party junk.

The salesman told me
that I should go with
the Snoopy theme,

but I know how much
you love The Flintstones,
so I went that way.

George, your party
wasn't for me.

What are you talking
about? What else
would I be celebrating?

Oh, greetings, Mr. J.

Bentley,
you blabbermouth.

I'm sorry, Mr. J,

but it's that business
of the Mayor's pants.

I never could tell if you
were on the level or not.

Look, Weezy, come on,
love, you gotta believe me.

Look, Willis,
give me a hand here.

You're a husband,
you've been through this.

Oh, well, no, he hasn't.

For your information,
George,

Tom has never forgotten
any of my birthdays

in all the years that
we've been married!

Well, now,

in all fairness
to George, everybody,

when Helen turned ,

I bought her a pair
of suede boots.

But I did miss her
shoe size by a half.

Uh, well, I knew she
was a seven and a half,

but I figured
with the suede...
Get out.

Yeah, but I was just...
Get out!

Very well.

But I think
you ought to know

that the size of the shoes
was precisely right.

I was just trying to
help an old friend.

Poor Louise.

Happy birthday, sweetheart.

Come, Helen.
Happy birthday, Louise.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh...

And, George,
as far as I am concerned,

there's only one thing
lower than a man

who forgot
his wife's birthday!
And what's that?

That's a man who celebrates
cleaning the Mayor's pants!

Well, anyone mind if I
have another piece of cake?

Get out!

So you really cleaned
the Mayor's pants?

You know what
I'm getting at.

Oh, I'm glad I didn't
have the party.

These people
ain't no fun at all.

Okay, Weez,
I'm sorry.

I blew it. Okay?

Look, it's not that I forgot
that you had a birthday.

It's just I forget
when it was.

Oh.

And now I'm
supposed to feel better?
Huh, George?

No.

Look, this'll make
you feel better.

Happy birthday,
sweetheart.
Forget it.

But, Weezy,
just take a look at it.

You'll love it...
I said, forget it.

Now you can't
buy your way
out of this one.

Besides, there's
nothing special
about a gift

that you ran out and
bought at the last minute.

Oh, so that's what you think.

That I went out and bought
this at the last minute?

No, no, no, no.
I bought this a month ago.

I just had it wrapped
at the last minute.

Well, I don't want it.

But, Weezy, look at it...
I said,
"I don't want it."

Will you at least...
No, George!

It's too late!
Okay, okay.

I'm sorry, Weez.

I hurt you.

I'm a fool to think that
I could just smooth
something over with a gift.

Oh, give it to me!

Oh, George,

I don't believe it.

Believe it, Weez.
I told you you'd love it.

Of course I love it.

Where on earth
did you find it?

Well, you know,
something like that
is hard to come by.

But for you,

ain't no river too wide,
ain't no mountain too high.

Oh, George, look,
it still fits.

That's right.

Still fits?

I can't believe it.

It was right around
my birthday, three years ago,
when I lost it.

My engagement ring.

The one you bought me
years ago.

I bought that?

Right. That's right.
I bought that.

Oh, this is
the sweetest thing
you have ever done.

I mean, to remember
something like my ring.

"George and Louise forever."

Let me see that.

Oh, yeah.
Forever. Right.

Oh, sure,

it didn't cost you
much back then,

but I've treasured it
just the same.

And I know you
treasure it too, now.

That's right.

Weezy, not that it
matters or anything,

but how much did I pay
for that ring back then?

Oh, well I'm not sure.

But I remember
you had to put

at least six or seven
quarters in that machine

before that little crane
came down and gobbled it.

Six quarters is all
I paid for that ring?

Oh, I know what
you're worried about.

You feel because it didn't
cost you anything,

that it's not
worth anything to me.

But I think it's the
most romantic thing
you've ever done.

Really?
Really.

And it couldn't
possibly mean more.

Not even if you spent,

oh, I don't know,
$ on it.

$ maybe?

But it might mean a little
more if I paid maybe $,.

Oh, come on, George.

Nobody could
be that dumb.