11x15 - The g*ng's All Here

[bunniefuu]

in the sky

a piece of the pie

in the kitchen

on the grill

in the big leagues

it's you and me, baby

with that

in the sky

a piece of the pie

Oh, wow!

Weez, this is awful!

The profits from
Charlie's bar are zero.

And since I'm half owner,
my profits are half of zero.

Do you know what
half of zero is?

Let me see if I can
figure it out in my head.

This is a disgrace.

I mean, Charlie's bar
is the only thing

in the Jefferson empire
that's not working.

Sorry, I forgot
about Florence.

Maybe if we put our
heads together

we can find a way
for the bar to turn up
a profit.

No, no, no, sweetheart.

Don't you worry your
pretty little head about it.

Men's brains wear
the pants in this family.

I mean, men are cooler,
men are more analytical.

I mean, let's just face it.
Men are just more sensible.

Hmm.

Hello!

Although there
are exceptions.

Mr. J., I have a problem.

You see, I can't decide
whether to wear
the blue nose

or the red nose with
my costume tonight
at the party.

Now the blue nose
matches my hair, see?

Whereas the red nose
is more traditional

and it will match my eyes
at the end of the evening.

Well, I don't know, Bentley.
You're the kind of guy that
looks good in any color nose.

You know you're not
the first person to
tell me that.

Now, what do you think,
Mrs. J?

Oh, well, I don't know if
I'm "sensible" enough
to make such decisions.

Uh, but why don't you wear
one that blinks on and off?

Well, that settles it.
Do you mind?

I have things
on my mind...

Oh, well, perhaps I can be
of some assistance.

Well, I guess it
wouldn't hurt.

Okay.
Take a look at these figures.

Charlie's bar is dying.

What am I supposed to do?

Well, let's take
a look here.

Um, well, in my considered
opinion, Mr. J.,

it's not dying,
it's breaking even.
That's not so bad.

Not so bad?

Where would we be today
if the greats of history were
happy just breaking even?

I mean, Alexander The Great
would've been Alexander
The Okay?

Ivan The Terrible
would've been Ivan
The Not-So-Nice.

And Superman would
just have been a guy
from another planet.

Oh, no, no, there I must
disagree with you, Mr. J.

You see, Superman,
I'll grant you,

did hail from Krypton,
but his super powers
were such that he...

Get out of here, Bentley.

Mr. J., wait, you haven't
picked my nose yet!

George, there has to be
something I can do to help
with the business.

Look, Weez,
I appreciate your offer.

I'll bring home the bacon.

Your job is to make sure
it's cooked right. Okay?

Wait a minute.

There is something you can do.
Something important.

Oh, well, what is it?

I want you to run down
to the bar and check
on the swizzle-sticks.

Now, we're paying for plastic,
and I don't want no
cheap imitation.

That's what
you want me to do,

check on the
swizzle-sticks?

Well, would you mind?

Okay, I'll do it for you.

Weezy, I thought
it was for us.

No, George,
it's for you.

With my hands down there,
your neck is safer up here.

Hi, Charlie.

Hey, Mrs. Jefferson.

Oh, let me have
a ginger-ale.

Uh-oh, tough day,
huh?

No, just a typical day
married to George.

In that case, let me, uh,
make it a double, huh?

Really nice to see you,
Mrs. Jefferson.

See, I've got this problem
and I'd really love to
discuss it with somebody.

It's, uh, about the bar.

You know your husband
has been bugging me
lately to,

uh, book in some
private parties to, uh,
help increase business.

Well, I finally did it.

What's the problem?

Well, it looks like
I'm gonna have to close
down for a few days.

See, uh, my aunt d*ed
and I gotta go to Florida
for the funeral.

Oh, that's terrible.

Yeah, I hate Florida.

No, I mean
about your aunt.

Oh, yeah, that, too.

Charlie, if you have
to go to the funeral,

all you've got to do
is find somebody
to work the bar.

Yeah.

Well, now let me see,
where can you find
someone you know...

Ralph the doorman!

Who doesn't work
at night...

Mr. Bentley!

Who doesn't have
an accent...

Mr. Willis.

Who has a financial
interest in the business.

My wife?

Who talks to you.

That's it.
I'm stumped.

How about me, Charlie?

Well, Mrs. Jefferson,
you don't really want

to serve drinks to
a bunch of old Skulls?

Now that's not a nice
thing to say about
your customers.

No, no, no,
Mrs. Jefferson.

You see, that's the
private party I booked
in here on Friday.

The Skulls,
they're a motorcycle g*ng.

A motorcycle g*ng?

Like "Hell's Angels
on Wheels"?

More like Hell's
Accountants in Carpools.

See, this is a reunion.

I mean, these guys
haven't been bikers
in years.

I mean,
today they're lawyers,
uh, doctors, hair-dressers...

Hair-dressers?

Well, I didn't say
they were
a tough g*ng.

What do you say?

When do I start?

How about right away?

See, they're, uh,
burying my aunt at sea,

and I figure if
I get there early,

I might be able
to bag me a tuna.

I'm sure your aunt
would have wanted it
that way.

Oh, now, Mrs. Jefferson,
it's real simple.

See, now, if we, uh,
run out of olives,
you just add more olives.

Run out of cherries,
add more cherries.

Run out of limes...
More limes.

You're a natural.

Listen, why don't I run
back there and make out

a list of things for
you to do, all right?

Okay, Charlie.
Thanks.

Excuse me,
where's Charlie?

Oh, he's in the back.

Oh, this problem I have,
I wanted to talk
to him about.

Oh, may I help?

You?

Well, why not?

Maybe I should get
a woman's point of view.

You see, I have
this terrific job,

a great wife,
and two wonderful kids.

Well, that doesn't sound
much like a problem to me.

Well, the problem
is my girlfriend.

She wants to, uh,

she wants to be with me
more than two nights a week
and every other Christmas.

You think that's fair?
I mean, after all,

I got a lot of
responsibilities.

Fair?
Yeah.

You have a wife
and two children

and you want to know
if two nights a week
with some bimbo is fair?

Uh, in a nutshell, yeah.
What do you think?

That's what I think.

You know, that's exactly
what my wife said.

Thank you.

Okay, Mrs. Jefferson.

Uh, here's the list.

Oh, and I left out olives,
cherries and limes.

You got that
stuff down pat.

Okay, Charlie,
safe trip.

Thanks. And uh, look out,
tuna, here I come.

Hey.

Boy, you know,
the bar business
is rough.

You know, just the
other day a guy walks in
with a gorilla

and I says to him,
"Hey, take that gorilla
to the zoo."

So the man left
and the next day he comes
back with the same animal.

And I says to him,
"Hey, I thought I told
you yesterday

"to take that gorilla
to the zoo."

The guy says,
"I did.

"Today I'm taking him
to a ballgame."

You get it?
I tell him,

"Take him to the zoo..."

Well, if you heard it
before you could
have stopped me!

Oh.

A whole dime.

Wow!

Hey, Charlie,
did I just hear a dime
fall on the floor?

Weezy, what are you
doing here?

I'm in charge.

Where's Charlie?

Oh, he had to go
to Florida to a funeral.

And he left you in charge?

I'm ruined!

Oh, so you don't think
I can run this business?

What will you say when
I bring twice as much money
in as Charlie?

I'll say, "Wake me up,"
because I'd be dreaming.

Well, laugh all you want.

I'll show you.

Okay.

Tell me one thing you know
about running a bar.

I know not to
allow freeloaders.

Now you either
order up or get out.

Ah!

Well, I made three cents.

That's still better
than Charlie did.

I'm counting a nickel
I found on the floor.

But, tonight
will be different.

Tonight we're having
a private party that
Charlie booked.

The place will be packed.

And George doesn't know
anything about it?

I'm loving it!

But the problem is,
I only have two hands.

And there's going to be
so much business,

I know I'm gonna need
a waitress to help.

Oh, you know, Helen,
you'd look cute
in one of these.

I look cute in stripes,
too, but I don't intend
on going to prison.

Well, well.
Look who's here

it's the businesswoman
of the family.

What are you doing,
getting ready for
"Happy Hour"?

Or should I say
"Happy Minute"?

That's how long
she can keep a customer
in the place.

Oh, no.
Now, come on, George.

Don't be so hard on her.

I'm sure business
will pick up.

After all, it can't get
much worse.

Oh, so, Tom,
you don't think
that Louise

could do a good job
of running the bar?

Well, you'll have to admit
it's not her area
of expertise.

I mean, you wouldn't do
something so crazy

as try to do my job
as a publisher.

That would be crazy,
wouldn't it?

And why would
that be so crazy?

Well, now, if Louise
doesn't do her job,

it just means there are
a few more sober people
running around.

If I don't do my job,
it's a bunch of sober people

running around
with nothing to read.

Oh, really?

Well, I'll give you
something to read...

Oh.

The directions on
the back of one of those
frozen dinners.

What are you talking about,
Helen?

I, I thought we were
going out.

Oh, yes, we were.
But now you're not.

I'll meet you downstairs
in an hour, Louise.

Frozen dinners?

I had them for lunch...

All of them.

See how ugly it is
when a woman argues
for her rights?

You know what?

Shut up!

Oh, come on, Weez.

You don't have to feel
ashamed just because
you're incompetent.

Don't patronize me.

Now I told you I would do
better than Charlie
and I'm gonna prove it.

What am I supposed
to do for dinner?

You can eat my dust.

Beers are up.

Beers are up!

Helen, beers are up!

What are you talking about?

When I say
"beers are up,"

you're supposed to drop
what you're doing
and come to the bar.

Well, how am I supposed
to know that?

Because it's just
common bar-room
sense.

Look, why don't we just
practice a little bit?

Hey, honey!
Hey, sweet meat!

What did you call me?

Look, I'm just pretending
to be a customer.

You pretend
to be a waitress.

Oh.

Hey, stick legs.

How about some service?

Who are you calling
"stick legs"?

It's, it's not me, Helen.

Its men in bars.

That's the way they
talk to waitresses.

Now we are doing this
for your own good.

Okay.

But leave my
legs out of it.

Fine.

Hey, snake hips,
when are you
getting off?

Right now.

Now, that is it, Louise.
I'm leaving.

Oh, now, Helen,
you're taking this
too personally.

Now try to calm down
and do the job.

Uh, Miss?

I would like
a gin and tonic
with a twist, please.

Coming right up,
boulder bosom.

What did you call me?

Oh, that wasn't me.

That was a customer.

The same one
who called me
"snake hips".

Good luck..."sir".

Hey, don't leave already,
snake hips.

The party's just
getting started.

Uh, the skulls,
I presume?

That's right.

And, uh,
you must be Charlie?

You're not what
I pictured on the,
uh, phone.

Oh, no.

Charlie had
to leave town.

I am Louise.
I'm your hostess
for this evening.

All right.
Hostess.

All right.
We want to party, here.

Oh, yes, sir, Mr. Skull.

Oh, actually,
it's Dr. Skull.

Yeah, he's an
endocrinologist.

Oh, I see.

Are you a doctor, too?

Me? No,
I'm a hair-dresser.

See, I, I used to shave
all the Skull's heads.

Then I did
the Fordham Baldies

for a couple of years
before I opened up
my own salon.

Oh, beers are up!

Beers are up!

Hey, Skullmen.

Hey, have no fear.

Chuck is here.

Hey, hey.
What, no
official welcome?

Excuse me.
Allow me.

Hmm, your cooking
gets worse every year.

How do you do it?

It's easy.

I just remember
who I'm cooking for.

Y'know, Mr. Jefferson,
I can take it when
you tease me.

But I can't believe
you treat your wife
so bad.

That's just the reality
of marriage, Florence.

I get on her nerves.
She gets on my nerves.

And you get on
both of ours.

I'm serious, Mr. Jefferson.

Okay, Florence.
If I'm such a bad guy,

how come I arranged for
a private party to arrive
at the bar unannounced?

It's an old motorcycle club
called the, the Crossbones.

It's because I want
Weezy to be a success.

You did all that just to
please your wife, huh?

Well, let's not
be ridiculous.

I mean, I still get half
the profits, too, you know.

Well, then how come
you give her such a bad time?

Well, a bad time is
better than no time at all.

Well, I guess
you're right.

I mean, I'd rather work
here than be dead.

Pow!
Oh, my head.

Hey, let me through,
let me through. Huh.
Maybe I can help.

No, no, it's not my hair.
I lost a contact.

Skulls, formation "B."

Oh, can I help you?

We're here
for our reunion.

Oh, sure,
come right on in.

The rest of the Skulls
are over there.
Skulls?

We're not Skulls.

We're the Crossbones.

We hate the Skulls.

Oh, I see.

Well, the rest of your g*ng
is at a bar up the street.

Way up.

You better go so
you won't be late.

Wait a minute.

Who are those guys?

I'd recognize
that butt anywhere.

It's the Skulls!

The Skulls?

This is gonna be one
hell of a reunion.

Oh, excuse me, Skulls.

You seem
to have company.

I'll bet you guys got
a lot to talk about.

Hey, guys.
It's the Crossbones.

How do we
handle this, huh?

Oh, no, no, no,
please, please!

I'm sure you can talk
this out peacefully...

You're buying the drinks.

If you buy the second round.
That sounds good to me.

ALL: Tammy's in Love!

You know, I can't get over
the way you guys
are getting along.

You know, it's hard to
believe that you guys
used to fight all the time.

Well, we were young,
restless and stupid.

Now you're just stupid.

What do you mean by that?

Come on.
A doctor who takes a kidney

out of a tonsillectomy
patient.

I wouldn't exactly call you
Albert Einstein.

Well, the so-called patient
shouldn't have fallen
asleep in someone else's bed.

Yeah, well, that's
what your attorney said,
isn't it?

I believe he called it
the "Goldilocks Defense"?

Well, I'm sorry,
but I felt that claiming
contributory negligence,

based on Exner vs. Basiglio
was a proper defense.

Fine, if there's no
diminished capacity.

I mean, even a third-year
law student
would have cited

Augenblick vs. the Children's
Hospital of Passaic.

Not if a second-year student
reminded him that

New York has rejected
Augenblick since .

Besides, my client
made full restitution.

After using an
outdated procedure

that caused gratuitous
pulmonary stress
and severe toxic shock.

Your mama!

Rumble!

You know, Florence,
me sending those

Crossbones down to
Louise is probably
one of the nicest things

I've ever done for her.

I'd sure like to see
her face right now.

I think I found a contact.

You know, maybe I should
go downstairs and share
in her night of glory.

Nah.

She deserves this
moment in the sun
all to herself.

Come on.
Come on.

Oh, my gosh!
Look at the time.

What?

I have to be
in court by :.

I have a gall bladder
at :.

I got a tint and trim
at :.

Now, remember...
Lunch,: Wednesday,
you got it?

All right, the station wagon
is taking six to Scarsdale.

Hostess, we had a great time.

I'm sorry about
all the damage.

Oh, it's no biggie.

Thank you for
your patronage.

I mean, what's a party
without a few
broken glasses?

Uh, yeah, right.
Here's something for
all the damage.

All right?
Oh, thank you.

Hey, everybody.

We're making her
an honorary Skull
and Crossbones.

ALL: Yeah!

Ma'am...

Oh, oh, oh, no, no,
I can't.

No, really I...

Oh, what the heck...

ALL: Tammy's in love

Tammy's in love

Hey, Mrs. Jefferson,
I got back early and uh...

Oh, you're upset
and I'll bet it's the bar.

The bar?

What bar?

Mrs. Jefferson,
what happened here?

Oh, wait'll I tell you.

It was the greatest night
in the history of
Charlie's bar.

Really?

I'd hate to see what the
place looked like after
a bad night.

Oh, those Skulls really
know how to party.

Yeah, but, but,
Mrs. Jefferson, my stool.

My table.

My, uh, whatever this was.

Oh, well, don't worry.
We made enough money

to pay for everything
and still had a profit.

Look.

And now, I'm going upstairs

and show George a few hundred
reasons that prove I can
run a business.

What are you crying about?

All you gotta do is
hang around.

I gotta clean up this mess.