11x20 - And Up We Go

[bunniefuu]

in the sky

a piece of the pie

in the kitchen

on the grill

in the big leagues

it's you and me, baby

with that

in the sky

a piece of the pie

Hey, what's going on
out here?

Oh, it's just us
being excited.

Oh, what a relief.
I thought the smoke
alarm went off.

Do you and Tom want to
hear our itinerary?

No.

George.

Come on, ladies.

Make our day.

Well, we arrive at noon...

At which time our
Hidden Palace hostess
greets us warmly...

And escorts us
to the Main Dining Hall

for a Celery
and Herbal Tea Reception.

Sounds great.
Have a nice time.

Wait, that's only
the beginning.

Yeah, we have
a whole day ahead.

At : ,
we digest and unpack.

At : , we commune
with nature.

And at : ,
we take a sparkling
mineral bath.

She took a bath
this morning.

At : ,
meditate in the
Japanese Gardens.

And five Vegetable Encounter.

And :
a Tofutti Night-cap.

And then at : ,
we fall into bed.

Yeah, they say that
Vegetable Encounter
really takes it out of you.

Uh, what are you
two laughing at?

Oh, come on, Weez,
this ain't no
"Total Body Experience."

It's a "Total Rip-Off
Experience."

You're just jealous.

Au contraire.

Don't agree
with 'em, Willis.

The two of us are gonna
stay right here and have
a Total Man Experience.

We don't need no
dumb itinerary.

Yeah.
George and I prefer
to be spontaneous.

That's right.

You warm up the TV.
I'll get the beer and chips.
Hey, hey!

Well, you ladies
better get a move on

before they run out
of bean sprouts.

Oh, you know,
he's right, Louise.

The Vita-Van should be
waiting for us
downstairs, now.

Now, are you two sure
you can stay out of trouble?

Trouble? Well, Helen,

we're not even going
to leave the building.

What are you two going
to do with yourselves
for the whole weekend?

I don't know,
but whatever it is,
it'll be great.

Okay, as long as
we won't have to clean up

or be embarrassed
when we get back.

We'll be fine.
We'll be terrific.

Now get out of here!
Bye-bye.

Oh!
Women!

Right.
I'm glad I'm a man.

We don't have to do
all that junk to have
a good time.

We are the good time.
Yeah.

Yeah, buddy.
Hi, you old buddy.

Well, let's get started!

Hey!

What should we do?

What do you mean,
what should we do?
Whatever we wanna do!

sh**t.

We've got the whole weekend.

It's a beautiful day out
there and everything.

Turn on the TV.

That's a rerun, Willis.

MAN: Welcome to the wonderful
world of Iguanas...

WOMAN: Ladies, there's no real
mystery to crocheting
a fabulous ball-fringe.

Come on, George!
I was just getting into it.

Willis, I don't want to
waste my time watching TV.

We should be communicating
with each other without
the women around to bother us.

Just you and me.
Right.

Mano-a-mano.

No, we'll eat later.

Let's talk first.

Okay.

Well, what should
we talk about?

Well, life seems like
a good place to start.

Okay.

So, how's life?

That's too general.

Sorry.

How's your life?

See? Now, when you're
specific I can be specific.

See.

Oh, can't complain.

Good, good.

Terrible weather
we're having, huh?

Aw, come on, George,
I was going to say that.

Now what can I say?

You could just respond
to what I said.

Oh, right, right, uh...

Well, what was
the question?

It was about
the weather, Willis.

Oh, right.

Yeah, it has been
pretty crazy, lately.

Yeah, it has.

So how long until
the girls get back?

Come on.

I'll get it!
No, I'll get it!

No, I have dibs!

Bentley!

It's my old friend,
Bentley!

Hey, we don't see
enough of you, old fella.

How have you been doing?

You fellas must be
frightfully bored.

Bored?
We're not bored.

We're just in the first
phase of thinking of
something to do.

Let's face it, George.

We were having
a vegetable encounter
of our own.

Oh, you should take
a lesson from me.

I've got a wonderful
day scheduled.

I'm going to curl up
with a nice pipe,

a steaming mug
of hot chocolate
and a good book.

Well, what are you
doing here?

Well, I was wondering if
I might borrow a pipe,

some whipping cream
and some cocoa?

What about the book?

No, that I've got.

"Cattigan's Book
Of Amazing Records?"

Yes, it's not Shakespeare,
but then again

Hamlet didn't get struck
in the head by lightning

seven times
and live to tell about it.

You can still see
the burn marks
on his hat.

Oh, I think
that's his head.

Mind if I take a look?

Not at all, Mr. J.

Because I believe
the advancement of
mankind is dependent upon

the uninhibited exchange of
useful information.

Besides, it's your book.

Wow. What some people
won't do.

This weirdo sat
in a tree for days.

My God, how did he eat?

What about this fellow here?

He buried himself alive,
six feet under,
for nine months.

My God, how did he eat?

And check out this yo-yo.

He spent over two years
baked inside a giant
chicken pot pie.

My God, how did he...

Oh, never mind.

Who are these idiots?

Yes, why would they do
such ridiculous things?

Uh, except for
the chicken pot pie,
of course.

That I can understand.

Ah, Mr. Willis, these are men
questing after immortality.

An impossible dreamers,
reaching for the stars

in that brief instant when
the world seems to cease

her rotation
and just stand still.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Mr. Bentley would you mind
translating that for us?

They're a bunch of jerks
who don't have anything
better to do.

Oh, I see.

Well, all I can say is,
a man's got to be
pretty damn bored

to waste his time trying
to break some stupid record.

BENTLEY: "On November th,
, in Cardiff, Wales,

"three men stood in
a standard sauce-pan
for hours straight."

Hurry up, Bentley.
Get in!

Well...
Okay.

Oh, well, I suppose
the Welshmen didn't
wear size .

Eleven-thousand-thirty-one.

I'm pleased to meet you.

Eleven-thousand-thirty-two.

I'm pleased to meet you.

You don't have to say that
every time we shake hands.

Eleven-thousand-thirty-three.

My mother did not
raise a rude son.

I'm pleased to meet you.

Eleven-thousand-thirty-four.

Well, mine did.
So shut up!

Eleven-thousand-thirty-five!

Congratulations, gentlemen,
you've just broken the
world hand-shaking record!

I did it, oh.

Oh-oh.
Never say "oh-oh"

in front of somebody
who's just broken
a world record.

It says you were supposed
to shake the hands of
different people.

Oh, man you mean somebody
made hamburger meat out
of this hand for nothing?

I'm afraid so.
Well, nice try, George.

Get outta here!

,

...

...

We're getting there, Willis.

Seventeen more dominoes
and we become

the champion domino
setter-uppers.

I've got the
extra dominoes.

Careful, Bentley.

Oh, don't worry
about me, Mr. J.

There you are.

Thank you, Bentley.
You've been a big help to us.

I'll just get out
of the way now.

Oops!

Oh, look,
this one didn't fall!

With this little domino,
we could have started
a whole new train.

Look, Bentley, the only train
I wanna see is one that
takes you out of town.

I don't know about you guys,
but I'm tired.

I was tired when
we were standing
in the saucepan.

I quit.

Wait a minute, Willis.
I said I was tired,

I didn't say nothing
about quitting.

I don't know the meaning
of the word "quit."

It means "to stop,
to give up."

Bentley...

We're not quitting.

Now, we've invested
too much time trying
to set a record

and we're going to set
a record no matter how long
it takes or how hard it is.

Okay, Bentley,
look in there.

Find me a record that's
fast and easy.

Well, here's one.

If you can chug-a-lug
liter of beer in under
one-point-six seconds,

you'll be the king
of speed-guzzling.

Good enough!
Let's go down
to Charlie's Bar.

We'll either break
the record for guzzling,

or set a new one
for belching.

Gee,
one-point-six seconds.

I don't think I can lift
my glass that fast.

Oh...

Look, speed-records take
skill and practice.

How about
a long-distance
record?

Well, if you can spit farther
than a quarter mile,

you can be the new
expectoration champ.

TOM: What happened?

BENTLEY: I believe the lights
just went out.

TOM: A power failure.
Whatever you do, don't panic.

Ah!

Nah. I wasn't
scared either.

Well, then why are you
holding on to him?

Oh, well, uh,
in moments of stress

it's necessary to keep up
one's body temperature.

Stairs, anyone?

Oh, what a pity.
Only twenty-nine more
hours in there,

and we'd have broken
the world record for
elevator riding.

Hold it, Willis.

What are you doing,
George?

You and me are gonna ride
this sucker into the
record books!

We've done a lot of crazy
things, but, the elevator,
George?

Look, Willis.
The elevator's perfect.

It doesn't take
strength or skill.

Plus it's bigger than
that saucepan.

True.

But, maybe we're just
kidding ourselves.

Maybe we weren't meant
to break any records.

Maybe we just wasted
a whole day.

No, if we quit,
then we have wasted
a whole day.

But if we set that record,
then all that stuff
that we did

will have meant something.

Oh, you mean it's
sort of like, "Fate"?

Yeah, that's right.

I mean it was no accident
we got on the elevator?

It was no accident that
the elevator stopped.

It was no accident that
Bentley just happened
to turn to the exact page

in his book on
elevator records?

Those weren't accidents!

Well, what about Bentley?
He wanted to break a record,

and yet he stepped off
of the elevator.

That was an accident.

It's just you and me.

Well, I don't know...

We'll order out for food
every hour.

And up we go!

Here's the supplies
Mr. Jefferson asked
for his last trip up.

Oh, you're a good woman,
Florence.

Tell me, are you doing
this for Mr. J?

Or is it out of your deep
respects for man's
questing nature?

No, it's because of my
deep respect for
peace and quiet.

The longer he's out here,
the quieter it is in there.

Why are you doing this?

Well, you see,
if I can't be
a winner myself

and I can't,

then I can feel fulfilled
basking in the warm glow
of those destined to win.

Besides, I play a very
important part
in this endeavor.

What do you do?

Oh, I am the official
elevator monitor.

You see, the car must stop
each time it passes
the twelfth floor.

The doors must open,
and we must salute
each other smartly.

Thusly.

Ah, number .

I love to slash.

Hey, Florence,
give me that phone.

You know, Mr. Jefferson,
I really have to admire you.

This makes all them other
dumb things you did
look smart.

Thank you, Florence.

And up we go!

Hello, operator?

I've got a big story.

Would you give us
the telephone number of

every newspaper
in the city, please.

Okay, okay, well let me,
give me the numbers
of the Times,

The Daily News,
and do you have the
Elevator Digest?

George, what are
you doing?
Publicity, Willis.

If we're gonna be champions,
we might as well be
famous, too.

Oh, well in that case,
I'd like to call out.

Oh, sure. Here.

Thanks.

Hi, is this Buddini's
House of Pizza?

I'd like to order
two large pepperoni pizzas
to go.

Would you like something?

Goal!

Salute, salute.

Go!

TOM: And up we go!

Oh, no.

Mr. Willis forgot to salute.

Oh, what a trouper!

Hey!

Florence, did I mention,
that every four hours,

Mr. J. and Mr. Willis get
a five-minute potty break.

Oh?
So when is the next?

Never mind.

TOM: Now let's stop
at all the numbers
on my Social Security Card.

GEORGE: We just used
your birthday.

Mr. Bentley!

Florence, necessity is
the mother of invention.

I And the grandmama
of graffiti.

Twelve flights of stairs
have never been longer.

Look at it this way, Helen.

Maybe we b*rned off
the five pounds
we gained at the spa.

Mrs. Willis, Mrs. J,
did you walk
the whole way up?

Yes.

We waited for the elevator
for twenty minutes,

but some idiot kids
have it all tied up.

I got bad news.

Those idiot kids?
You're married to 'em.

What?

Mr. J and Mr. Willis have
been riding the elevator
all weekend.

They're trying to set
a new world's record.

We've even got the press
here to cover it.

The press?

Oh, quick. Take the steps.
If you leave now,
nobody will see you.

Why does a man
climb a mountain?
Because it's there!

Oh, hi, Weez.
Come in.

Hi, Helen.
Come on in,

we're about to make
elevator history.

TOM: And up we go!

If you hurry, you might
catch them on the, th
let's see, well, the th,

the th, the th.

Uh, I think
you've got my drift.

This is our base
of operations.

We like to call it
The Nerve Center
of the elevator.

Would you please excuse us.

Oh, Helen, you'll never
believe how much
I've learned this weekend.

Like what, Tom?

Well, you know we've lived
in this building for years,

and yet I never realized
that these little buttons
were heat-sensitive.

You see, if I use my finger,
like this, it works.

But if I use my finger-nail,
like this, it doesn't.

But then if I use my nose...

Tell your nose,
, please.

Excuse me.
Uh, Mrs. Jefferson,

are you proud
of your husband?

"Proud" isn't the word.

What words would you use
to describe your feelings?

Out, please.

Congratulations, gentlemen!

You've just had
a new world's record!

We're very happy
for both of you.

Now get the hell out.

You know, speaking of
getting the hell out,

I was just thinking whichever
one of you gentlemen

actually steps off the
elevator last will be
the true record-holder.

After you, Willis.
No, after you.

That was my whole life.
After you.

TOM: And down we go!

Willis,
you make me sick.

If it wasn't for me
we wouldn't even be
on this elevator.

If you were
any kind of a man,
you'd get off,

and let the record go
to the right champion?

Now hold it, George.

I've spent as much time
on this elevator as you have.

And took up
four times the space.

What are you
doing that for?

"What are you
doing that for?"
Don't mimic me, Willis.

"Don't mimic me, Willis."
I'm warning you, Willis.

"I'm warning you, Willis."
All right, Willis.

You asked for it.
All right, Willis.
You asked for it.

What was that?
What was that?

Now, don't mimic me.

That's not what I was doing.
I wanna know what that was.

It seems like
a power failure!

A power failure!

Oh, my God!

We're trapped in here
like two mice, Willis.

The walls are
closing in on us.

The airs getting thinner!

I can't catch my breath!

I can't either.

I'm scared.
Don't be scared.

Somebody'll find us.

Unless they think
we're trying to set
another record or something.

Yeah. They would think
that wouldn't they?

And then no one
would come.

Oh, yeah...

They'll come.

But all they'll find
will be two shriveled,

decomposing bodies.

I don't want
to break any records,
I want out of here!

Help! Let me out.
Let me out.

Please, help.
Somebody come.

Somebody help open the door.
Oh, thank the Lord.
We're saved.

We're saved.
The winner and
new champion...

George Jefferson!

I am the winner.

Now, just one
darn second!

George, you...
The lights are still on.

There was no power failure.

You tricked me.

No, You tricked yourself.
How?

By being stupid!

Well, I think I'll take
my Victory Lap.

And up I go!

Okay, Weez,
it's been a week.

What are you
trying to do?

Set the world record
for being mad
at your husband?

I'm sorry, George.

But I can't forgive the way
you double-crossed Tom.

You have to get over it.

Willis has.

Hi, Willis.

Hi, Louise.

I left a saucepan
in your husband's
custody last week.

I wonder if I could
have it back?

Is he going for
another record?

No, he's making
some sauce.

I can't believe you two are
letting this ridiculous

world record business
destroy your whole
friendship.

He did it, Louise.

He was more interested in
winning than sharing.

Tom's has a point, George.

After all this time,
do you still feel that
winning was more important?

No, I guess not.

Everybody's mad at me.

It's lonely at the top.

Look, Willis, I was wrong.

I shouldn't have tricked
you off the elevator.

Well, I have a confession
of my own to make.

I mean,
another thirty seconds,

and I would have tricked you
off the elevator.

Really?

You're my kind of guy,
Willis.

You know what
I'm gonna do?
What?

I'm gonna call those
record holder people

and I'm going to tell them
to change my one-man
record to a two-man record.

For you and me,
old buddy.

Oh, George,

if there were a record for
how much one friend could
like another friend,

I...I'd be breaking it now.

If there was a record
for the biggest lump
in the throat,

I'd win that hands down.

Oh.

And if there was
a record for nausea...

No contest.

It's here, Mr. J!

It's here, Mr. J!

The telegram from
Cattigan's confirming
your win!

"Dear Record-Seeker,"
that's us!

"Congratulations for
breaking the existing world
record in elevator-riding."

I did it. I won!
It's official!

Hip-hip-hooray, Mr. J.

You both won.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.
Willis, here.
What's mine is yours.

Oh, thank you.
Let's see here.

"Unfortunately,
the publicity
you generated

"has inspired so many others
to challenge your record,

"that your current status
is number nine and dropping.

"We welcome you
to try again."