11x22 - The Odd Couple

[bunniefuu]

in the sky

a piece of the pie

in the kitchen

on the grill

in the big leagues

it's you and me, baby

with that

in the sky

a piece of the pie

Florence, who are you going
to the concert with tonight?

Oh, just the girls.

You know, we got
together and we
decided we were

tired of sitting
around waiting
for a man to call.

So we said,
"Who needs them?"

We can have fun
without men.

So we made a pack
that none of us is
gonna break.

One for all
and all for one.

Like The Four Musketeers.

Well, anyway, three.

Reneta got a date.

You know, Weez, I hear
what happens with these
lonely pathetic women,

and I just thank my
lucky stars that you
landed me.

Oh.

Bye, Bertha.

Well, Bertha just
canceled.

She got a date, too.

And no money
changed hands?

George!

Don't "George" me.

You're the one that said
Bertha had a face only
a zoologist could love.

Uh, well, I think
what I meant was,

she looked like she was
good with animals.

Yeah. Well, her date
better be, too.

Oh, hi,
Miss Willis.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Helen.

Attencione. Attencione.

I wanna take this opportunity
to introduce to you the
hottest model in New York.

And here he is, wearing
the latest in Italian
sportswear,

SignoreTom Willis.

Tom is wearing shoes by
Giovanni of Venice.

Sports coat by
Guido Al d'Own.

Shirt by Neno.

Slacks by Aldo.

Body by pizza.

Mr. Willis looks
so different.

LOUISE: He looks terrific!

Oh, that's what it is.

Grazie, grazie!

But, I owe it all to
my little Helena!

Aw!

Well, I thought it was
about time that Tom got
some new clothes.

Actually, George,
it was you who
gave me the idea.

You were looking
so Italian yourself,
yesterday.

What are you talking
about? I had on
my plaid sport jacket.

But you had spaghetti
all over your tie.

Well, Florence cooked
the spaghetti.

Where was I supposed to
have it? In my mouth?

Well, I would've sent you
to a good dry cleaner
but I don't know one.

Oh, Tom,
the outfit is great.

Oh, prego, prego.

But don't you think
you're a little overdressed
for a movie?

Well, as a matter of
fact, we have a little
surprise.

We're not going
to the movies!

Great! See you later.

No, what Tom
means is we've
made other plans.

Oh, Louise, you
remember years ago
when we used to haunt

those jazz clubs
down in the Village?

Oh, yes, that was fun.

Well, tonight we are
going to recapture those
good old days.

A smart cocktail, a smoke
filled room, and a husky voice
chanteuse singing

a song like, um,
Stormy Weather.

no sun up in the sky

Oh, that sounds
like fun.
What's the occasion?

Well, uh, there's no
special occasion.

We thought we would just...

Uh, we thought we would
just celebrate the comradery
of good friends.

It'll be terrific.
We can...

ain't together

Uh... Uh, we can have a...
A couple of drinks
in one spot,

and then, uh...
Oh, oh, oh...

And then if we get
tired of the singer,
we can move on.

Oh.

all the time

Well, I'm tired of this
one now. Let's go.

Oh, great.
The limo is waiting
downstairs.

Limo? Well,
you really
went all out.

Oh, I know. But I
figured why not travel
in style now?

Why wait for a close
relative to die.

Come on, Lena.

You all have a good time.

We will.
You, too, Florence.

I just wanna get one
thing straight.

I ain't riding in a limo
if I gotta ride backwards.

Oh, I'll do it.

You know how I enjoy
seeing where I've been.

TOM: That's enough, Helen!

Oh, Florence,
I was just going
to pop over.

Oh, hi, Mister Bentley,
what's up?

Well, I was hoping you might
lend me a small portable
TV that doesn't work.

Why do you want a
TV that doesn't work?

Well, so that I won't
be able to watch it,
of course.

Oh.

Uh, perhaps I have deleted
a detail or two.

You see, Hermione is
going over this evening
for some dinner

and a little telly watching.

Now my intention is to
put her on the sofa,
turn on the set,

and not get a picture.

Get the picture?

What on earth are you all
going to do on the sofa in
front of a TV that don't work!

Woof.

I should've guessed.

I'm sorry, Mister Bentley,
but all the TVs in this
house are in tip-top shape.

Oh, dash it all.
Well, thank you anyway.

Why don't you just
unplug yours?

Oh, Florence,
I'm surprised at you.
That would be dishonest.

Hi, Flor.
Oh, hi, Amanda girl.
I'm glad you're here.

Come on in.

How you feeling?
Fine, girl. Real fine.

Listen, Flor.

I got some good
news, and I got some
bad news.

What?
Well, really it's the
same news.

Only it's good for me
and bad for you.

See, a couple of weeks
ago I put an ad in the
personal section

of Street Scene Magazine
so I could meet me a man.

Amanda, that is the most
desperate, pathetic thing
you have ever done.

Well, it worked.
It didn't?

Girl, the simplest score I
ever made in my life.

Well, I got to admit I was
a little leery at first,

'cause how was I to
know I wasn't gonna
meet a one-eyed cat

peeking in a seafood store.

Well, how did you all
first make contact?

Ain't gonna be no contact.

At least until he pops
for dinner.

I mean how did you all
arrange to meet?

Uh, we exchanged letters
through the magazine and then
we agreed to meet in the park.

I told him to wear
a red carnation.

'Cause, even though he could
tell through my letters I was
a kind, sensitive woman,

how was I to know he wasn't
gonna look like the
dog's dinner.

But he turned out
to be real cute.

That's great. Why don't you
finish telling me on the
way to the concert?

Uh, Flor, now see that's
where your bad news' coming.

Okay. You ain't going.

Oh, Florence, this is...
This is Henry's
only night off

and he wants to go
out to dinner.

So here, I brought you
the tickets.

Well, you just wasted your
time, 'cause Bertha and
Reneta ain't going either.

Why?
They got dates.

Huh?
They got dates.

What?
They got dates, okay?

From this planet?

Here. You and Henry take
the tickets.

I ain't going by myself.

Maybe you could go
with us.

No. I'd just be a
third wheel.

Yeah. You would.

Oh, wait. Maybe this could
turn out better than
we thought.

Now Henry's got a brother
that's single that ain't never
got nothing to do.

Maybe he could go with us.

That'd still leave
one ticket.

Yeah?
Yeah. Then we can
scalp that one

and use it to pay for
the other ones.

Bye, Flor!

Have fun.

Oh, George, stop it.

You'll make me
split a seam.

It won't be the first
time tonight.

You all have fun?

Oh, Florence, you
wouldn't believe it.

From the moment we
got into the limousine and
Tom told the driver...

Yeah. Then Helen got
up on the stage and...

And that waiter...

And then Weezy...

Oh. Oh gee.
Oh, what now?

Now that we told you
all about our evening,

what about yours?

You're looking at it.

I thought you were going
to the concert with Amanda?

She got a date.

Got a date?
You sure she didn't
say she ate a date?

Oh, stop!

His name is Henry.

She met him through
Street Scene Magazine.

She put an ad
in the personals.

Oh, well,
did you read it?

Maybe the guy thought
he was getting a
recreational vehicle.

Well, at least
it worked.

She got a boyfriend.
All I got is
a tuna sandwich

I'm sorry, Florence.

Now you'll probably
laugh in my face for
suggesting this,

but have you ever
written one of
those ads yourself?

Ha-ha.

"Plain middle-aged female
seeks man

for companionship
and possible romance."

Well, that could attract
someone.

I know you're trying to be
helpful, Miss Jefferson, but,

I'd just as soon stay
by myself.

I'm used to it now.

Oh, Florence, don't.

Okay. Well, we'll see you
in the morning.

Oh...

You know, Florence,
you shouldn't describe
yourself as plain.

Look, I think you're damn
near acceptable.

Thanks.

Okay, you still interested in
putting that ad in the paper?

Because if you are,
you can talk to me.

I mean, I'm quite
a wordsmith, you know.

In fact, you know that phrase,
"In by nine, out by five"?

You wrote that?
Well, the "In by nine" part.

Okay, now, let's see what we
got here on the paper.

Oh, "plain, middle aged".
You see that?

Plain, okay, what
exactly is plain?

Toned down beautiful.

Okay? Now "down", we don't
need that, because
it's a negative, okay?

This is not a musical,
so we don't need no "tone".

Okay, what's left?
Beautiful.

Yeah, well, um...

Okay, now middle aged?
Okay, what is middle aged?

Now if you're gonna
die tomorrow,
that'll be old, right?

If you're gonna live
to be , then
that'd be young.

So are you planning on
dying tomorrow?

No.
Well, then you're young!

What else?
Female.

Yeah, well, see now
you're getting the idea.

Thanks, Mister Jefferson,
but you're just
wasting your time.

There's no way this is
gonna work.

It worked! It worked!

See, I told you it
would work.

What worked?
I got an answer to
my ad.

Well, congratulations.
What does he say?

What difference does
it make what he said?
He's her dream man.

He can write and
afford a stamp.

"Dear Box G ."
That's me.

"I have grown weary of dating
night after night after night.

"I would enjoy a steadier and
more meaningful relationship.

"If this sounds appealing,

"meet me on the th
at : near the
bandstand in the park."

Oh, I wonder who it is.

"I'll be wearing plaid pants
and saddle shoes."

Well, we know it ain't
Calvin Klein.

Hey, this is the th.

I gotta make a decision.

What do you think
I should do?

Oh. Well, Florence what do you
feel like doing?

I don't know.
Well... Oh, what have
you got to lose?

Look in your heart.
Take a chance.

No, Florence, you look
in your mirror
and take a taxi.

I can't believe
the coincidence.

Of all the people
who respond to
those personal ads,

the one who answers
yours turns out to be
your neighbor.

You know, it's as if
somebody wrote this.

Somebody did.
Crime and Punishment.

I don't think
it's so strange.

After all, Mister Bentley
and I have known
each other a long time,

and we get along
just fine.

As a matter of fact,
we like a lot of
the same things.

So we said, what could
it hurt to see a
movie together?

I couldn't agree
with you more.

Still I can't shake the
feeling that our usher's
gonna be Rod Serling.

Uh, well, Florence,
it's only natural you're
a little apprehensive.

So just treat Mister Bentley
like any other date.

Right. With a little luck
we won't have to see
him again either.

Well, wisecrack
all you want,
Mister Jefferson,

but I'm gonna give
this a try. It could
work, you know.

Stranger things
have happened.

Yeah? Name one.

Somebody married you.

George, don't you realize how
awkward this must be for
Florence and Mister Bentley?

Now this would
make things a lot easier
if you'd behave yourself.

Okay. I promise to behave
myself, all right?

I'll be a perfect
gentleman.

Hello, Mister J.

Gesundheit.

Oh, Mister Bentley,
uh, won't you come in?

Thank you, Mrs. J

So, how are you
feeling tonight?

Oh, good. Thank you.
And you?

Good.

And you, Mister J?
How are you feeling?
Good, I hope.

Yeah, I'm good.
Huh.

Well, it sounds as though
we're all good.

My, what a lovely place
you have here.

Come on, Bentley, cut the
small talk, okay?

Look, you're not
actually gonna kiss her,
are you?

Mister J, please.

Well, Bentley, you've dated
hundreds of beautiful
women before.

Why stop now?

Well, it's embarrassing
to admit, but if
the truth were out,

I don't really date
that much.

I guess I just talk a
good game.

You mean you've been making
up all your girlfriends?

Oh, not all. Just the ones
with whom I've had deep,
meaningful relationships.

See, the fact is,
I've been quite
lonely lately,

and uh, well I know
I've squired a knock out
or two in my day,

but what I'm really
after in a woman
is substance.

I mean, you take away
a beautiful body, and what
have you got?

Hi, Mister Bentley.

Hello, Florence. And
please call me Harry.

Okay.

Har... Har...

Hey, you're really looking
sharp tonight.

Thank you. You know, we
better skedaddle if we wanna
eat before the movie.

Oh, I know what you
mean, Mister Bentley.

I just hate being late
to a movie.

You just spend the rest
of the movie wondering
what you have missed.

And you try climbing over
people, and stepping into
sticky soda pop.

And people are yelling,
"Down in front!",

and you keep wondering if
there's chewing gum on
your seat and then you...

Mrs. J...

Yes.

We'd kind of like to catch
the movie before it's sold
to cable TV.

Oh.

I'm sorry!
You two have a good time.

Thank you. Goodnight.
Goodnight.

Yeah, stay out of trouble.

George, they are adults.

I know that, Weezy.
But look, it's a full moon
tonight.

And one of them is bound to
turn into something.

How's your seat?

Fine. Yours?
Mmm.

I hope the movie
starts soon.

Me, too.

BOTH: Good.

I love movies with
subtitles.

I like subtitles, too.

Do you like Truffaut?

Trufo? Of course.

Nice cinematography.

Yeah. Every frame
has a picture.

I hate that sort of
behavior in public.

Why don't they just
stay home?

Well, it was nice of
you to see me home.

Oh, don't mention it.
Uh, it was on my way.

I had a lovely time,

Harry.

So did I, Florence.

Would you like to go
out again?

Of course.

Well...

BOTH: Goodnight!

Mister Bentley...
Uh, Florence, listen,

I... I hope what I'm going
to say isn't going to
hurt your feelings,

but I don't think
we should date anymore.

Are you serious?

Forgive me, but I've been
uncomfortable all evening.

I should have said
something at dinner.

Are you sure?

Positive.

Oh, Mister Bentley,
that's wonderful!

You're not angry?

No. I feel exactly the
same way you do.

Oh, what a relief.

I was afraid you liked me.

I thought you liked me.

No, I don't like you.

I don't like you, either.

Oh, Florence!

Oh, would you look at us.

Two people about to
mess up a perfectly
good friendship.

Yes, isn't it amazing the
silly things people will do
out of loneliness?

Oh, yes. But now you
remember, if you ever get
lonely again,

you can always call me
and we'll go out.

As friends.
As friends.

Oh.

Goodnight, Mister Bentley.
Goodnight.

Oh, hi, Mister Jefferson.

What are you doing still up?

Well, Johnny Carson
just went off.

I needed a few more laughs,
so I figured I'd wait
for you.

How was your date?
Oh, fine.

As a matter of fact,
we're gonna do it again.
What?

As friends.

You know, we learned
something tonight.

No matter how lonely two
people get, it's nothing
to build a romance on.

Hmm.

I guess it's like they say
in that play, you have to
want somebody.

Not just some body.

You know what I mean?

Yep. You know, Florence,
I think you made
the right choice.

I do, too. Well, thanks,
Mister Jefferson.

Goodnight.
Goodnight.

In fact,
I know you made
the right choice.