01x02 - The Cookout

[bunniefuu]

Okay, bozos. Listen up.

It's that time of year.

The Gonzales family neighborhood barbecue.

- Awoo!
- [All] Awoo!

That's enough.

Mondo, Ryan, you're on fireworks,
as usual.

Don't know how you can top last year.

It'll come to me. I am but a vessel.

The aztec god of fire, xiuhtecuhtli,
speaks through me.

Plus, I have a cool app.
We can do D renderings of the explosions.

The merging of the ancient
with the modern.

This is how civilization progresses.

Just like when santana played
with the matchbox guy.

Rollie. Beer duty.

Got it. Can't wait.

Beer duty means
you get beer for other people,

not just you drink a lot of beer.

- What?
- [Jay] I got the playlist.

Jay's rump-shaker backyard bangerz
was a big hit last year.

Just a reminder,
Denise and the girls will be here.

All the songs will be kidz bop versions.

I've got another job for you.

The giant hole in the deck
that's big enough

for a person to fall through, fix it.

Why is that our job?

Hey, if I wanted to,
I could punch a hole in this deck.

No chance.

Oh, yeah. Right. We'll fix it.

Rafa, you have two jobs.
Be my perfect little angel,

and also rat on your uncles
whenever they do something extra stupid.

Done and done.

[Clears throat] What about me?

You're head of security.

I'm always head of security.
No one takes me seriously

because you never let me bring
my crossbow.

This year, I'm bringing my crossbow.

- No, you're not.
- Fine. Then I'm at least eye gouging.

- No eye gouges.
- Oh, but it's fine for you to do it

at Walmart on black Friday?

Tvs were $ , Mike!

[Theme music playing]

Hey, rafa. What time should
we be there Monday?

Labor day at the Gonzales house
starts around :

and ends whenever any of the uncles
get into a fistfight.

So, I'd get there by : .

[Mya] Sweet.

I moved from Dallas when I was eight

and I think that was the last time
I had good Mexican food.

The past few years have just been
German sausage and European fish stew.

They didn't even have taco bell?

Oh, I love taco bell, dawg.

If I ever get the courage to smoke weed,

I'm gonna get super high
and eat so much taco bell.

Actually, it's usually
just a straight barbecue

but I could ask my mom
to make some Mexican stuff.

She is an awesome cook.

Nice. All right. I'll see you all Monday?

Hey. You guys gotta help me out,
all right?

You know how insane the barbecue gets.

I need you to shield Mya
and her family from the worst of it.

Yeah, yeah. We got you.

Oh, remember a few years ago?
The lighter fluid fight?

Was that the same year that
Mike did the nunchuck demonstration

then choked out that old man
and woman?

No, no. It was the year that

Jay barbecued Ryan's favorite briefcase
and then fed it to him.

Yeah, this is what I mean
when I say the worst of it.

Blue comets, green chrysanthemums,
red and gold crossettes.

This will be the story our ancestors
have passed down since time immemorial.

An erotic tale of courage,
perseverance, and human frailty.

Told through expl*sives.

Got it. Now, when you say erotic,

what fireworks would you say
are the horniest?

Roman candles, bottle rockets,
whistling petes?

- Snakes.
- Of course.

[Miguel]
Planning out this year's fireworks?

- Can I help?
- No.

You're not ready.

[Miguel] You said that last year
and the year before that.

How long are you gonna make me wait?
I'm .

That is way too young.
No, this is grown man stuff.

Call me when you file your taxes.

Wait, do you do your taxes?
Because literally call me.

I can help you for a reasonable fee.

I know who you are. I don't need this.

Hamburgers, hotdogs,
ribs, chips, plates, beer.

Anything else?

Well, Mya and her family are coming

and they haven't had
good Mexican food in years

because her dad was stationed overseas.

So, I was wondering
if maybe you could cook something?

I think that's a great idea.

Uh, Mexican food?

Wait, hold on.

We should just stick to the regular
barbecue plan. It's tradition.

Or we could eat nothing.
Fasting is a very spiritual experience.

You guys can cook
all your regular barbecue stuff.

I will handle the extras.
Tacos, tortas, my famous tamales.

And rafa, you can help me.

You're actually older than I was when
I taught myself how to cook Mexican food.

All right. I'm gonna go to the store
to get everything we need.

[Gasps] I'm so excited.

[Ryan] Exciting.

[Door closes]

- What the hell, primo?
- What'd I do?

Men, we have to tell him.

Are you sure?

It's time.

[Upbeat music playing]

Your mother is not who you think she is.
She can't cook Mexican food.

What are you talking about?
Her Mexican food is amazing.

No. Our Mexican food is amazing.

When your mother was years old,

our mom, your grandma,
Got hooked on penny slots.

she would disappear for days at a time.

and drea took care of us.

[young Andrea] More food's ready, guys.

I didn't have a lot to work with
but I hope it's okay.

[Jay] She was so proud of feeding us
That we couldn't bear to break her heart.

from that moment on, we made a pact
To never tell her the truth.

there's more where that came from.

None of this stuff is the right color.

Just shut up and eat it.

[Jay] And eat it, he did.

we all did.

It wasn't her fault.

She never had the right ingredients,
so she improvised.

We were so good at lying,
she came to believe

her way of doing it was somehow better.

All these years, she thought
she reinvented Mexican cuisine.

But really,
she was giving us free colonics.

You guys are messing with me.

- How bad could it be?
- [Rollie] How bad could it be?

Have you seen the movie San Andreas?

it's like that.
But the earthquake is in your butt.

Whenever she cooks Mexican food,

we sneak around her back
and fix everything.

This is a rite of passage
for every Gonzales man, primo.

Lying to your mother
to protect her heart and our guts.

- No. No way.
- [Jay] Uh-hmm.

Leave me out of this.

You're already in, primo.

So, you either help us
or you eat your mom's food

and waste away like a conquistador
getting montezuma's revenge.

Have you seen The exorcist?
It's like that.

But the devil is in your butt.

Primo, if we don't stop your mom
from cooking,

the entire San Antonio
Metro sewer system is doomed.

Have you seen the first minutes
of Saving private Ryan?

it's like that. But your butt.

- [All] That's it.
- [Rollie] That's it, right?

I got it, right? That's pretty good.

- It's actually like that, yes.
- Yeah.

Hey, Frankie.

El maestro.

good to see you.

[Frankie] I didn't know
what you wanted this year,

so I, uh, I ordered some rare items.

Sloppy migraines, liquid pain,

astronaut as*ault, exploding babies.

Excuse me.

Uh, you don't tell Michael Jordan
which sh*ts to take, okay?

You don't tell Mozart
which trumpet to play or whatever.

I don't know a lot about Mozart

but I do know a lot about my brother
and his genius.

Forgive Ryan.
He's very protective of my vision.

Show Frankie what we need.

Oh, my god. It's, it's beautiful.

I'll have all this to you within the hour.

Do we trust him?

He'll come through. He always does.

No, I mean, he took my tablet.
Is he gonna bring it back?

No. He's a dirtbag.
He's definitely gonna sell it.

Oh. Oh, Frankie. Frankie!

They say the way to a man's heart
is through his stomach.

That applies to women, too.

You learn to cook Mexican food like me,
you'll never be single.

You've been single my whole life.

By choice. Now focus.

You're about to learn
the secret recipe for quesadillas.

First, you take a tortilla, add cheese,

and then my secret ingredients,

canned tuna, horseradish, and cinnamon.

I know. It might sound like
a bizarre combo

but you and your uncles love it, right?

Psst. Psst. Psst.

Do not, under any circumstances, let her
put a horseradish in that quesadilla.

Well, how am I supposed to stop her?

Switch it to this.

You want me to switch horseradish
with horseradish?

It's not horseradish.

It's a mixture of cooked onions,
peppers, and spices.

I call it the trojan horseradish.

I love that. Great name.

Right?

Because it protects everything
that goes inside, like a condom.

Never mind. You're an idiot.

Also, swap in this chicken for tuna
and swap out the cinnamon for cayenne.

Go. Hurry, hurry.

[Andrea] Okay.

[Grunts]

I know. It looks like a lot of lard,
but believe me, we are gonna need it all.

[Upbeat music playing]

Hey, hey, hey. Watch yourself, Eva.

Oh, not even a thank you?

See, this is why I need my crossbow.

To use on the kids?

Hey, you guys made it.

Great.

There's no crossbow. So glad you came.

Yes, we did. And this is my mom, Jackie.

Great to meet you, Jackie.

Oh.

I'm sorry. I thought we just met

but apparently you and I
have been friends for decades

and therefore, you feel it's appropriate
to address me by my first name.

Oh, no, no, no.

I, I'm so sorry, Mrs. Perkins.
I really wasn't trying to...

- Can I talk to you?
- Uh-hmm.

I'm sorry. I knew that was gonna happen

and it was gonna freak you out
but I couldn't resist.

[Indistinct chatter]

These are delicious, Ms. Gonzales.

Thanks, Harris. The secret is cinnamon.

Oh, I don't think I even tasted...

It's cinnamon, bro.

You guys never finished
fixing the hole in the deck.

It is a serious safety issue.

The food thing has taken up all our time.

There is a hole in the deck.

Rollie, go get some cardboard.

What's going on, guys?

I just had to stop uncle Mike
from explaining to Mya's mom

why he wants to sh**t kids
with a crossbow.

What do you want from us?
There's too many of them.

They're running a five-on-two fast break
against us.

- Oh, no.
- [Rafa] What?

Mya's brother came. He's the worst.

I heard, at his old school,
he gave a kid a wedgie so bad,

his butt cr*ck grew like
two inches longer.

- What?
- [Harris] Yeah.

[Rafa] I had no idea people
still did wedgies.

That's how much of a d*ck he is.
He's like a time traveling d*ck.

Oh.

Uh, yo, what's up, rock?

It's Rockwell. No small talk.

Does "what's up" count as small talk?

My sister and I have lived
in seven different cities

and there's always some lame ass
trying to get with her.

She's too good to settle
for any of you losers.

Uh, but you just met us.

Yeah. And I can already tell
you're losers.

So, which one of you losers is it?

Primo, we need you.

Oh, thank god. Nice meeting you, man.

So, you're clearly upset.

Eva, come here.
Help out your uncle Mike.

Still not secure. [Groans]

[Jay] Where are we at in the kitchen?

The rice is in the rice cooker.

Please tell me she used
the caldo de tomate I left on the counter.

Ketchup.

- Mother ...!
- She did it before I noticed.

She also started on some menudo.

Is she crazy? That takes five hours!

She called it her seven-minute menudo.

This is worse than I thought.

We need you to get your mom
out of the kitchen for at least minutes

while we try to turn
that abomination into food.

How do I do that?

I don't know. You're a teenager.

Complain about something.
thr*aten to run away.

Just yell "I'm sick of this"
and start crying.

Do I have to think of everything?
Let's go.

- You ready to make tamales?
- Uh-hmm.

Right. So normally, you would use masa
which is cornmeal

but I like to use matzoh,

which is a traditional Jewish cr*cker
made with flour and water.

Why?

The first time I made them,
I had to borrow ingredients

from the Jewish family down the street
and your uncles went crazy for it.

You wouldn't think you could just

swap out ingredients
because they sound the same.

But you can. [Chuckles]

Wow.

You say tamale, I say tamazeltov.

That's my little joke.

The Jewish family down the street
went crazy for it.

[Rafa] Hey, ma.

Can I talk to you about something
in the family room

for like at least minutes?

Perfect. Tamales will be nice
and soaked through by then.

What's up, baby?

So I was thinking,
this has been such a great barbecue.

So much fun.

Maybe we should just quit
while we're ahead, send everyone home.

What?

Nobody's eaten and
we haven't even done the fireworks yet.

What are you...

But there also haven't been
any lighter fluid fights

or regular fights.

It's the Gonzales family
neighborhood barbecue, rafa.

Since when are you worried
about how crazy things get?

Ooh, do you remember the time

you and your uncles kept daring me
to shave that weird little dog

and I did it and it turned out
it was a skunk?

- Stinky barbecue.
- Stinky barbecue.

I was so drunk.

But also there's just...

You know, there's quite a few people here
that don't really know us.

Random example, off the top of my head,

Mya and her mom, and I don't want them
to get to know us.

In my experience,
the people we want in our lives,

they're always gonna see
the truth about who we really are.

But, I get it.

The barbecue can get a little dicey.

I tell you what,

I will make sure
that we keep a lid on things.

Deal?

- Oh, hold on.
- No, no, no, we have to talk longer.

[Whispering] Hurry up. Drop it.
Come on. Let's go, let's go.

It was primo's idea.

My best estimate,
all four movements together

should last about minutes give or take.
Then, a -second epilogue.

Perfect. A symphony and a novel in one.

Lay out the fuses while I pray
for our ancestors to guide my hand.

Miguel, what are you doing
slithering around over here?

Just watching.

- Absolutely no watching. Security!
- Come on.

What seems to be the problem here?

Miguel's watching.

No watching.
That's how you get your eyes gouged, son.

b*at it.

- Scoop his eyes out, Mike.
- [Mike] Is that what you want?

You want your eyes scooped?

What do you mean
I can't cook Mexican food?

It's not that you can't cook Mexican food.

You did the best that you could
with what you had.

But... help me out here.

It's very bad and it hurts when we eat it.

So, every time you've cooked
Mexican food, they've been fixing it.

For the last years.
And just as a reminder, I'm only .

No.

I don't buy it. [Scoffs]

I'm a great cook.
And we can settle this right now.

Two kinds of tamales.

Yours and mine.

Let's let the people decide.

All we needed was minutes, primo.
Now, half of us are gonna die.

All right. Listen up, everybody!

It's a tamale taste test.

Step right up.

- I'll do it.
- [Andrea] Perfect.

Come on over.

- Try this one first.
- Okay.

Hmm.

Wow, this is delicious.

Oh, is it?

All right. Now, try this one.

Is this supposed to look like that?

Just slurp it up, rookie.

No!

[Indistinct chatter]

Oh, that's disgusting.

I'm so sorry, Ms. Gonzales.
I don't know why I reacted like that.

You've been in dusseldorf for years.

What the hell do you know?
Get out of here.

All right. We need someone who knows
what the hell they're talking about.

Denise! Come on up here.
Move your ass, Denise.

All right.
Here we go. You love my tamales, right?

- No!
- [Woman gasps]

Where is my crossbow?

Denise?

Could my family all gather
in front of me right now?

[Upbeat music playing]

I have been cooking this food for you
for decades,

pouring my heart into every meal.

And you reward me with lies
and deception?

You are the most despicable,

deceitful, sons of b*tches
on god's green earth

and I hope that you and every one of you

[indistinct]

Get hit by a truck

[indistinct]

Filled with , pounds of sh*t

because that's what you are.

Trucks filled with [indistinct]

And you can burn
in the deepest depths of hell!

Dammit! Why didn't you fix this?

[Car alarm wailing]

[Dogs barking in distance]

Hey.

I know it's not how you imagined,
but it was still beautiful.

Those fireworks exploding behind
drea's angry head,

it was visual poetry.

I mean, the face melters
went off at the exact moment

it looked like drea's face was melting.

[Chuckles]

Maybe you're right.

Sometimes I get too close to it.
I want it to be perfect.

But the beauty of fireworks
is their ephemerality.

Exactly.

I don't know what that word means
but yes, that's right.

Guys, I found out who did it.

It was Miguel.

Great job, dud.

This concludes my investigation.

What you did was unforgivable.

But it was also bold and daring.

- You're ready.
- I am?

You remind me of me when I was your age.

And someday,
you'll be exactly like I am now.

Oh. I definitely don't want that.

All right. Never mind.

Good luck.

That kid sucks.

Right?

[Mya] So, how's your mom?

well, once at one of the barbecues,

the uncles managed
to set a library on fire

and she still talked to them afterward.

But she's not talking to any of us now.

So, she is pretty mad.

Listen, I feel like I need to say
something about what went down.

I know what you're gonna say
and I'm so embarrassed.

Wait, you're embarrassed?

Yeah. My family is ridiculous.

I played that joke on you with my mom
and it freaked you out

and that was unfair.

I kind of forgot we still don't
really know each other that well.

And then she made your uncle ryan
Do all those pushups

and Rockwell told me he tried to
intimidate you guys like he always does.

And I hit Mike with the tamale.
So, I'm sorry.

No. My family is crazy.

Your family is great.

Your uncles have spent all these years

trying to keep your mom happy.

I mean, they were lying, but still.

[Upbeat music playing]

[Rafa] What's this?

[Andrea] Breakfast.

Apparently I don't know how to cook.

So, I didn't cook.

To be fair,
nobody criticized your breakfast.

But, we can make breakfast.

And we'll go somewhere safe.

Ma, I know you're mad.

No, I'm not. I'm fine.

You just fed everyone raw bacon.

- Uh-hmm.
- Okay.

Good news. So it turns out that Mya
wasn't freaked out at all.

In fact, she says she thought
that it was sweet that our family

is so close that your brothers would work
this hard to try to protect your feelings.

So...

i guess she did see us
for who we really are.

- See you after school.
- Uh-hmm.

[Sighs] Everyone, living room, now.

What you all did was deceitful.

I understand why you did it.

But if this family is gonna stay together,
we cannot have secrets.

So, if there's anything else
that you've been hiding from me

or lying to me about, tell me now.

I promise I won't get angry.

Okay. I guess, I'll go first.

Um, I read your diary when we were kids.

Do you still wanna marry Aladdin?

You don't have to answer.

Um, I was the one
who crashed your car.

I know you crashed my car, Rollie,
because I was in it.

Both my arms got broken.

No, that was a different time.
Like way before that crash.

Remember? I lied and said I got carjacked.

- That was my car.
- [Rollie] It was?

Well, you're not allowed
to get mad either.

Hey, somebody else go.

I know I often say you're my best friend
but really it's my wife.

That's the way it should be.

Also I found dad. He lives in Florida.

- [Both] What?
- [Mike] Whoa.

It's fine. He's a horrible person.

I also read your diary once.

But it was when we were adults.

It was today actually like an hour ago.

I picked it up by accident
then I really got sucked in.

You're an excellent writer.

[Clears throat]
I stole your skechers shape-ups

because they make me look taller.

You wear the same shoe size as drea?

No, I ball my foot up like a little fist.
That's not the point.

Look, we all came clean.
But what about you?

This goes both ways. Is there
anything that you wanna confess to us?

Anything that you've ever
lied to us about?

You really can't see me?

Who said that?

Drea. I'm right here.

[Andrea] Oh...

Oh my god.
You look exactly like Nick lachey.

Right?

I didn't do it, drea.

I believe you.

New mascot for the business.

This is a very good idea.

I call it saturn's scrotum.

It's stunning.

I have never lied to any of you
and I never will.

[Grunting]

[Exhales deeply]

[Theme music playing]

[Andrea]
next on Primo...

Your brother's in trouble.

You're gonna have to be more specific.

Can I borrow your car tomorrow?
Mya asked me for a ride home.

How'd it go? Did the Cologne work?

How'd it go? Terrible.

They're in the woods now?

Rollie?

[Mike] Let me know if you're
Looking for extra cash.

I always need bodies.
And grab some garbage bags.

There's a bunch of dead squirrels
we gotta get rid of at the job site.