01x04 - The Game Champ

[bunniefuu]

Why didn't you fix that stupid dish?

I tried. The nuts are all stripped.
I can't get them off.

You're using needle-nose pliers
instead of a Crescent wrench?

You're such a donkey.

These nuts aren't stripped, they're fine.
Are you a complete moron?

Yes! I got you.

What the hell are you doing?

- Getting you.
- Why?

Revenge, baby.

Revenge for what?

Yes! I got you.

- What are you doing?
- Getting you.

- Why?
- I don't know.

Your face. It's the worst.

Anyway, have fun on the roof
all day, idiot.

Jay, I was on that roof for hours
for no reason.

No, I told you the reason.
It was your face and how it's the worst.

That very day, around hour four,
I started plotting my revenge.

In , I convinced drea
to get a satellite TV

by offering to pay for it.

I could barely afford $ a month,
but it was worth it.

Then I checked the weather,
and I found the perfect, boiling hot day.

We live in San Antonio. Every day is hot.

Shut up! I am talking now!

Then I did research for weeks
on bolts and wrenches,

and then all the stuff
that you know about.

And then today,
after ten years, I pounced.

That was one of the worst days of my life.

And you have never apologized.

So, all you have to do...

Say that you're sorry
and I will let you down.

But I know you're never gonna do that.

Never.

So, suck roof.

Aww, man,
you guys getting rid of the satellite?

How are you gonna watch
Guatemala has talent?

[Jay] Hey.

Primo's little friend that isn't Miguel,
give me a hand with that ladder.

No. Do not get involved in revenge.

- Don't even look at him.
- [Jay] Primo! Primo!

I'm your uncle!
Don't leave me on this roof.

Oh. It's already hot.

I gotta hand it to him.
He did his research.

[Theme music playing]

Hey, everybody!

You see your uncle outside?
Is he sucking roof?

Uh, I have no idea what that means.
But look, I won an award!

The whataburger what a student award.
Oh, my god! That's incredible!

It's bucks.

And this certificate
with all these fancy scripts on it.

Rafa, that's fantastic.

Only two students
in the whole school got these.

- Are you the other one who got it?
- No.

Then why are you so excited?

Because I'm rafa's friend.

I don't know. I think it's weird.

[Andrea] Gimme, gimme.

Wow.

This deserves a place on
the wall of accomplishments and praise.

The wall of accomplishments and praise.

- The wap.
- Ma, please.

You have to say
the whole name now, remember?

You can't just shorten it anymore.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
you're taking down my degree?

Degree? I thought rafa was gonna be
the first one to go to college.

Oh, he is. That's a certificate from
the San Antonio technological institute.

Yeah, I have a degree in computer science.

You have a certificate in computers.

Your final exam was printing that out.

Drea, you can't move that.

That is a significant
family accomplishment.

You can just hang it up at your place,

right next to your autographed picture
of that sexy blood lady.

Her name is Elizabeth Holmes.

And when she gets out of prison,
she's gonna change the world.

Uh-huh.

Maybe we can just leave
uncle Ryan's thing up?

See?

Even primo doesn't care
about a stupid little award.

It's ridiculous these days.
Everybody gets a participation trophy.

I mean, yours literally says,

"Ryan Gonzales participated
in a ten-week computer course."

And it's not stupid.
I worked hard to earn it.

You know what?
I don't like to throw this term around,

- but this is cancel culture.
- Okay.

I feel like you do like
to throw that term around.

[Slurps] Ugh. Not enough bubbles.
Cancel culture.

You're breaking up with me

just because I took a platonic nap
with your sister?

That's cancel culture.

Cell service canceled for non-payment?
You know what this is?

Why do you keep calling everything
cancel culture?

I don't know.

I hear it used a lot, and I don't want
Succession Or Euphoria

and I don't know who doja cat is.

I just wanna be a part of something.

Hey, don't worry, bro.
You are a part of something.

You're part of the people
not on the wall anymore.

Do you think you're being helpful
right now?

Let me down, stupid.

- No.
- Mike, let me down.

- No.
- I wanna get down.

- No.
- Let me down.

- No.
- Mike, let me down.

- No.
- Mike, I'm serious.

- Go get the ladder.
- No.

Please let me down?

No.

Drea, come on.
I earned my spot on that wall.

I earned my award.
I had to write a ten-page paper.

You just had to learn
how to send some emails.

- Nice, primo.
- Tough.

Okay, listen, it's my house.

- It's my wap.
- Oh, my god, ma, please.

And I decide what goes on it.

No. That's not good enough.

There's only one fair way to solve this.

Game champ.
Winner decides what goes on the wall.

What's game champ?

It's a Gonzales family Frankenstein.

It's the greatest game ever invented
because it contains all the other games.

Name a game, it's part of game champ.

- Monopoly?
- Yeah.

- Cranium?
- Hell yeah.

Hungry, hungry hippos?

Stop naming games.

- I said it's every game.
- [Rafa] It's everything.

There's trivial pursuit,
chutes and ladders,

restaurant menus,
untranslated Ikea instructions.

It combines strategy,
hand-eye coordination,

thigh strength, pain tolerance,
and mental prowess.

And we are not playing.
I can't lie to the police again.

Blood-curdling screams?

No, we... I haven't heard anything like...

[Rollie] Ah!

Whoo! I am the game champ!

Bow down to the game champ!

Whoo!

Look, game champ is messy.
But so is the quest for justice.

Seriously?

Whatever. Just let us play!
You know you wanna play.

- I kind of do.
- What?

It's game champ. I like game champ.
Who doesn't like game champ?

Yeah. I am fully prepared
to leave him up there for weeks.

Are we playing game champ?

Oh, I'm in. I call pocket Kn*fe.
I'm the pocket Kn*fe.

All the knives are gone. Remember?

Because of how Jay almost lost, like,
several of his toes last time.

You in, primo? Or are you chicken fingers?

Buk, buk, buk, buk, buk, buk!

- That's a good chicken.
- Thank you.

Fine. I'm in.

- Let's get started.
- I wanna play. Can I play too?

If you're gonna play with us,
you got to learn the official rules.

"Each turn begins with a roll of dice.

The top roll gets to either play a turn
or flick another player's nose.

If they choose nose flick,
it activates 'flick-o-mode.'

and whoever gets the most flicks
in one minute begins the turn."

This is insane.

Oh, yeah. This game is nuts.

[Andrea] There's only a few hours
until dinner,

so we got to play the short version.

No binge drinking,
no foot races, no moped stunts,

no shoe-swapping,
and no stick-and-poke tattooing.

- Sorry, babe.
- [Ryan] Oh, wait.

Harris hasn't played before.
We need to initiate him.

[Andrea] Ah!

I thought you said knives were gone.

There's always a Kn*fe.

Hey, should I sterilize this?
Or are you cool?

- Yeah, I'm out. I'm gonna leave.
- It's for the best.

Okay, we're missing
the jar of rancid peanuts

and the throwing stars.

I'm on it.

- [Gentle music playing]
- [Indistinct chatter]

[Andrea] Rollie, hurry up. We're starting.

[Ryan] The sword.

[Bell ringing]

- Oh!
- All right, mondo,

- you get to spend the pregnancy test.
- Yes!

Hey, I need your help.

- A ghost owes me $ .
- Oh, okay.

As soon as we're done here, I'll help you.

No, this can't wait.
This is urgent ghost business.

Okay, so whoever this lands on
has to eat whatever's in my pocket.

- Okay.
- Oh!

[Andrea chuckling] Oh, no.

You have no shirt, you're out.

[Rafa] Uncle Rollie's right.

We instituted that rule after
the Magic Mike Challenge of .

[Ryan] Yup.

I had to throw away the whole couch.
Too many body oil stains.

It looked like a giant piece of flan.

Well, I guess I'm out too. Bummer.
Hey, mondo, come on, let's go.

When I get off this roof,
I'm gonna hit him with a pipe.

No, I'm gonna hit him with a car.

No, I'm gonna hit him...

Sudden death: This or that. Speed round.

- One of you is dead.
- What's the category?

Actor or disease.
You have one second to answer.

The first wrong answer loses.

Mike, primo, drea.
That's the order. Are you ready?

- Got it.
- Here we go.

- Cumberbatch.
- Actor.

- Zika.
- Disease.

- Waititi.
- Actor.

- Fishburne.
- Actor.

- Ventimiglia.
- Actor.

- Ebola.
- Disease.

- Vitiligo.
- Actor.

Wrong. Vitiligo is a disease, dummy.

Vitiligo is the guy
from Lord of the rings, Dummy.

No, that's Viggo mortensen,
not vitiligo mortensen.

- You're out!
- Bye.

You know what?
Everyone at this table can go to hell.

Well, well, well. And then there were two.

- I'm still in.
- Whatever. The two that matter.

[Mondo] Who are you trying to contact
in the spirit world?

Felipe.

Rodeo clown Felipe or heart att*ck Felipe?

Heart att*ck Felipe.
Rodeo clown Felipe survived the goring.

Oh, that's good.
That was a big hole. Right in his chest.

- [Andrea] It's water balloon bingo!
- [Rafa] Yeah.

[Ryan] Water balloon bingo is my favorite.

- [Andrea laughs]
- Come on, let's go.

[Scoffs] Okay.

Let's see if the spirit world
wants to communicate with us.

W-h-y. Why?

Maybe heart att*ck Felipe wants to know
why you made me stop playing game champ

or why you ruined my favorite shirt.

No. I know what this is.

Hey, you took that bet
fair and square, Felipe.

Nobody forced you to jump that ditch.

- Jump that ditch! Jump that ditch!
- Are you ready, old man?

[Crowd] Jump that ditch!

My arm is numb, my chest is tight,
and my mouth tastes like metal.

Let's do this!

[Engine revving]

[Crowd] Jump that ditch!
Jump that ditch! Jump that ditch!

He d*ed doing what he loved.
Losing control of a vehicle.

Forty-six.

Monologue jungle.
Recite a monologue from a movie.

One wrong word and you're out.

- Okay.
- Okay. Here we go.

"Tony Montana, Scarface.
Political prisoner monologue."

Easy.

- All right, here you go. Keep track.
- [Clears throat]

As always, I will be substituting
desert foods for all the cuss words.

- Okay.
- [Clears throat]

[As Tony Montana] Do you know
I eat octopus three times a day?

I got fudging octopus
coming out of my fudging ears, man.

I got the fudging Russian shoes,
my feet's comin' through. Huh?

How'd you like that?

What, you want me to stay there
and do nothing?

Hey, I'm no fudging criminal, man.

I'm no pudding nor thief.

I Tony Montana,
a political prisoner from Cuba.

And I want my fudgin' human rights!

[Rafa] Wow.

That was great! Amazing!

[In normal voice] Thank you.

Unfortunately, you're out.

What? No way. I nailed it.

Ooh, but you didn't.

It's, "and I want
my fudgin' human rights now,"

not, "and I want my fudgin' human rights."

- You forgot the "now."
- [Ryan] He's right.

It has to be word-perfect.
That's the rule.

Out.

That's cool.

Ugh!

It's down to you and me.

[Andrea] Bullshit!

Headband is up for grabs.

[Andrea] Take up my chair!

I'm getting another message. Yes.

S-i-n-g.

He wants you to sing a song in his honor.

What song?

I think, hmm, yes,
he wants you to make one up.

He wants you to invent a song
in tribute to his life.

He says, make it good,

or he's going to haunt the... out of you.

Yeah, that does sound like him.

♪ Felipe, you were old as hell ♪

♪ and you had heart att*cks ♪

♪ and you're really bad
At calculating the width of ditches ♪

♪ and you drove your station wagon
Right into heaven ♪

♪ or hell ♪

♪ probably hell 'cause you're not
That really great of a dude ♪

♪ kind of a pervert
If we're being honest ♪

this is very moving.

You should keep going
for another eight minutes.

♪ Felipe... ♪

hey, man,
I'm getting kind of hungry up here.

Oh, I'm sorry, bud. I got you a sandwich.

Sock sandwich?

I'm not gonna eat this.

You didn't give me any food
when I was trapped up there, so...

Let it go. We were kids.

You were . Bon appetit.

I have bad news.

It seems your awful singing
has angered heart att*ck Felipe.

And he's in the room.

Heart att*ck Felipe's here?

Yes, as his younger self.

He's ripped, man. And he's after you.

He says he doesn't owe you a crap.
In fact, he says you owe him the bucks.

Nah, no way.
Hey, look, man. We made a bet. You lost.

You had a heart att*ck, you d*ed.
So you owe me bucks. Hey, fair's fair.

That's not how he sees it.

He says you should give me the money.

- Give it to you?
- Yes.

I am a bridge between realms.

So, if you give the money to me,
I can make sure he gets it.

I only charge $ for the service.

So total.

He wants you to give me the $ .

[Sighs] Fine.

- Fine?
- Yeah.

I mean, this is what I was worried about.

Some people say that since the front tires
touched the other wall of the ditch,

that technically, he made it across.
So, I lost the bet.

But to me, the bet was whether Felipe
would make the jump, not the car.

He clearly didn't,
because he was dead in the ditch.

But I don't even care about any of that.

I just miss my friend
and I don't want him to be mad at me.

Can you ask him if he's mad at me?

[Chuckles softly] Rollie.

Come on. I know what to do.

[Dramatic music playing]

Yeah! Give me that money.

Tea pot dome scandal.

The magna carta.

- Adele dazeem.
- Thin mints.

Yes!

You like that?

Jeffrey dahmer and Winston Churchill.

Oh, no. Is it the human femur?

Sister act : Back in the habit.

j-a-m-i-r-o-q-u-a-i, jamiroquai.

Five seconds left.

- You need every word.
- Almost done.

- [Timer beeping]
- Here we go.

- What is that?
- I found every word.

That doesn't count.
You just circled everything.

Yes, and within that circle
lies every single word.

I win.

No, you don't. That clearly doesn't count.
It's my turn.

And all I need to do
is roll higher than four,

which I did, because there are dice.

And that is ga...

Dude.

If you swallow your opponent's game piece,
you win game champ.

- That's not a rule.
- It is now.

Explain how eating a piece of metal
makes you the smartest.

How does winning an award
from a burger place make you the smartest?

It doesn't. I win. Game over. Game champ.

Ryan, may I speak with you in the kitchen?

Oh, no. I just ate. Thank you.

- Get in here.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, primo, do me a favor.
Take these out to your uncle Jay.

- Oh, no, I am not getting involved.
- Please?

He's been up there a really long time.
I'm starting to feel bad.

I'm just not ready to admit that.

Okay.

Let's play a new game.
It's called drea's lie detector.

The way it works is
I'm gonna ask you questions.

And if you lie to me, I smack you.

I do not wanna play this.

Are you so insecure
that you think winning this game

will prove that you're better
than your -year-old nephew?

No. We're just playing a fun game.

Fine. Yes.
I wanna prove I'm better than primo.

And you realize how silly it is
that a grown man is jealous of a child?

It's not silly.

It's very silly. Yes, I see that.

And you realize
that this is your nephew, who you love,

and him winning an award
should make you proud of him?

Well... uh, now, hold on.

Okay, if you look at it
in a certain way... no, you're right.

I love him and I will apologize.

Thank you.

But this really is cancel culture.

Go ahead.

What's "cancel culture"?

Hey, uncle Mike asked me
to give these to you.

I think he's starting to feel bad.

[Jay] Oh, thank god.

[Sighs]

This is vinegar. Primo, you got involved.

No, I didn't. I swear.
Uncle Mike tricked me.

And I just got distracted,
all the stuff with uncle Ryan.

He's coming at me so hard,
it's making me wanna fight him.

Listen to me very carefully, primo.

Follow that instinct.

Really?

You can't ever back down. Look at me.

I've been on this roof for hours.

I'm sunburned, I'm starving,

and I'm two minutes from pooping
in whatever pipe that is.

Please don't poop down a pipe.

The point is,
you can't let people push you around.

I'd rather stay up here for a month
than let Mike win.

I forgot it was vinegar.

Hey, primo. We need to talk.

Yeah, we do.

I earned that spot on that wall
and I'm taking it.

Whoa. What's going on?

I won fair and square. I'm the game champ.

I'm one of only two
whataburger what a students

in the entire south San Antonio region.

My certificate
deserves to be on that wall.

Well, you've given me
a lot to think about.

[Chuckles]

Where are you going?

[Instrumental music plays]

[Door opens, closes]

Why did your uncle Ryan
just run out of our house with your award?

Because he's a weirdo.
He's probably gonna try to eat it.

I played a game with Ryan

where every time he said something dumb,
I slapped him.

I'm not gonna do that with you
because you're a child.

But also because
you should be smart enough

to understand what you did wrong.

How is this my fault?

Rafa, look, Ryan feels threatened.

He's always thought of himself
as the smart one in the family.

And then you come along.

And you're, you know,
might be going to college

and you're winning burger awards.

Now he is acting like a buffoon.

But maybe you can try and understand
what he's feeling.

But what am I supposed to do about it?

You're a whataburger what a student.

You ought to be able
to what-a-figure it out.

Nope. That was bad.

But all the other stuff I said
was good and wise.

Okay.

Okay.

[Rollie] Are you sure about this?

[Mondo] Yeah.

This is where Felipe crossed over.

Literally and figuratively.

He'll hear you.

What's up, Felipe?

Man, this is crazy.

You're really gone.

I thought you were gonna live forever.

I mean, lifetime record
against heart att*cks?

You were ten and one.

That's pretty good.

Hey, remember that one time
you had a stroke

while you were having a heart att*ck?

I mean, probably not, I guess,

because it was a massive stroke
that badly damaged your brain.

Anyway, I'm really sad that you're gone.

I hope it wasn't my fault.

I miss you, Felipe.

You're my wildest, craziest friend,

which, again, is why you're dead.

Amen.

You can keep that.

Rollie, the spirits
can't communicate with words.

But we feel their energy,
as they feel ours.

We offer gratitude for Felipe's friendship
and his time on this plane.

[Soft music playing]

[Rollie sighs]

Did it work?

Do you feel better?

Yeah. I do.

Ready to say you're sorry now?

No way. Joke's on you.

I dipped the bread in vinegar.
Tastes just like a Jersey Mike's sandwich.

I could stay up here forever.

Really?

No. You gotta get me down.

I'm losing my mind. I'm...

sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Please let me down.

Apology is accepted.

You may now come down.

[Sighs]

There you go.

What is that?

Your way down.

Remember?

- Get the ladder.
- No.

- Why not?
- 'Cause I don't want to.

Just jump, idiot.

[Sighs]

- Whoa! [Grunts]
- [Bones cr*ck]

Ah! My shoulder!

[Groans]

If I did it, you could do it.

I'm not doing that.

Then you live on the roof now.

Okay. Okay.

Fine.

[Exhales]

No!

- [Both grunt]
- Oh, my shoulder!

[Groans]

Okay. See you later.

Ah!

[Indistinct chatter]

- Hey.
- Hey.

- How's it going?
- Not great.

Your game piece is still making
its way down my intestines.

Sounds like cancel culture.

- Right?
- [Chuckles]

So... I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have said all that stuff.

Especially since you're sort of the reason
I won that award in the first place.

Really? How?

Well, the first time
I ever saw that fancy script,

the words with all the cool
old-timey swirlies on them,

was on your certificate.

I always wanted to have my name on one
so ma could put it on the wall.

That's why I worked really hard at school.

So you're saying I'm kind of the reason
you wanna go to college?

Yeah, you're part of it for sure.

Uh, so I need your help.

I wanna use the money from the award
to open a bank account.

And since you're the money guy
in the family...

Say no more.

You are smart to come to me with this.

If you wanna join the financial sector,
there are millions of options.

You can open a checking account.

You can open a savings account.

- So two options?
- Yeah, those are the two.

I would go with savings.
You get a better interest rate.

- All right. Let's do it.
- Great.

- Let me just get some information.
- Okay.

First question, uh,
who or what is a doja cat?

It's not for the accountants.
It's for me. Is it a Batman villain?

Is it a place
where you learn martial arts?

- I just, uh, I really need to know.
- Okay.

Uh, how about you set up the account,

and I will teach you
about young people stuff.

I would love that.

Okay, let's work up to doja cat.

- Okay.
- Let's start off with tiktok.

- I'm sorry?
- You don't know tiktok?

What's tiktok? Is that, like, LinkedIn?

[Ryan imitates trumpet playing
"pomp and circumstance"]

[Whirring]

[Thuds]

[Upbeat music playing]

[Andrea] Next on Primo...

- Rollie's in jail.
- [Groans]

Primo might be able to go to college.

So, if he starts doing the dumb crap
you do 'cause he thinks that's cool,

- that's on you.
- Fight! Fight! Fight!

Oh, damn. Primo!

- What did you do?!
- Oh!

Well, this was fun.

Men are so stupid.