01x01 - Full of Mysterious Promise

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G--Granville, f--f--fetch a cloth.

The swallows are leaving, Granville, and they're leaving it all over our window.

Get it off.

There she goes, Granville.

N--Nurse Gladys Emmanuel.

With her black bag neatly laundered and her b--blouse tightly packed! Rushing away to someone's bedside.

One day, with luck, it might be mine! Let's hope not, she's a midwife! Come on.

Sshh! Listen! (FRANTIC BANGING ) I'll--I'll k--k*ll that f--flaming mouse! If he can move like that, why hasn't he got a number on his jersey? -- He's faster than you are.

-- I know that, don't I? But it's no good waiting for a cheese--eating tortoise, is it?! Come on, help me get these tins picked up.

Do you realise it's 6.

30 and there's some silly fool still in bed? I bet you can't believe it, when they could be having a ball with these old tins (!) Listen, Granville, remember, as my nephew, all these old tins will be yours when I'm gone.

Ah, yes, but will I be able to withstand the notoriety? They'll be nudging each other when I walk down the street.

They'll say, "Hey up, you see him? "You wouldn't believe it to look at him, but he's rolling in old tins!" There's no label on these tins.

We don't know that.

They--They might be on the inside.

I like that.

That is ingenious.

Well, it'd stop them finishing up like this, wi' no labels on 'em.

This is all that fire--damaged stock, isn't it? The p--price was right! How do you know if you don't know what's in 'em? Because my hand automatically s--started to bid.

I've got a flair for this work, you know.

When I'm on the threshold of a reasonable profit, a r--razor sharp instinct takes over.

I'm under the control of something powerful b--but primitive.

Like a VAT inspector.

I wonder what's in 'em.

That's the beauty of it, they're full of mysterious promise.

They're a bit like Gladys Emmanuel's blouse, them.

Only a damn sight easier to open! Don't you worry about what's in them.

Let me worry about that.

I haven't been in this trade all my life without developing an ear.

M--Mulligatawny and Leek.

(CLICK OF STILETTOS) Morning, Granville.

Morning, Gloria.

F--F--Fetch your cloth.

During the w*r, Herbert Ogden spent a wh--wh--whole week's wages on a land girl with a wiggle like that.

-- Aye? -- From Darlington.

All he got was a t--tip on what to do with his broccoli! Hey up, she's back.

I'll just wander--wander over casually.

You were out early, Gladys Emmanuel, fresh from your l--lonely warm bed.

I never said it was lonely.

Don't you ever make a wish that you'll wake up one morning and find a handsome l--local shopkeeper in it? No.

Time's passing us by, you know.

It's no longer springtime.

Why don't we get engaged before we've both got a moustache? While I can look at your legs without thinking of orthopaedic shoes.

Come on, let's strike while the iron's still lukewarm! I can't get engaged right now.

I've got to go to Charnley Street and have a baby! Why don't you come over one night and rub me chest with Vick? To tell you the truth, I've been thinking a lot about us two lately.

Not the same as actually doing it, though, is it? I don't know why some folks say, "Let the Devil take the hindmost".

As far as I'm concerned, he can get in the queue! How can I be sure you really fancy me? That you're not just trying to stop my order going to the supermarket? I want you to marry me, Gladys Emmanuel! No one appreciates your shape like a member of the Grocer's Federation.

I wonder what it would look like with a bit of parsley round it.

You'll stop at nothing, will you? You shower me with gifts! Last time it was half a pound of butter way past its expiry date! We were meant for each other! A man with a st--stutter needs a big target to make love to.

What a golden tongue he's got (!) Who cleans the nipples on your windscreen washers for you? I do! Me.

Devoted Arkwright! Have you no words of encouragement for me at all? Save me a small brown loaf, unsliced, and two large teacakes.

-- I've got one reservation.

-- Oh, have you? What's that? You'll have to promise to wear summat more playful than them! Get off, you cheeky thing! They're me mother's! Yes She showed me the baby last week.

I don't think it's his.

It looks more like him that comes to read the meter.

Well, they're in some very awkward places, them meters.

He knows his way around.

I'm sure.

Oh, that reminds me, Mrs Blewitt, we've got some v--very good value in tinned food.

-- What is it? -- This one is (GRANVILLE LAUGHS) .

.

very good value, Mrs Blewitt! It's no use to me.

I'm not looking for things I can keep.

Just as well, with your husband p--popping off quickly like he did.

We never know when we'll be taken or whither is our destination.

I'd have thought he'd have an idea, him being a ch--charabanc driver! I've seen them taken in their fullness and their prime! I know.

One minute they're on top of the world, the next, there's this awful figure in black b--beckoning them towards a breathalyser.

Did you know they buried Old Scrooger last Tuesday? Old ScOld ScOld Sc Did they? I didn't know he d*ed.

Neither did she! He sat there on the settee for three hours staring at her! He never was very talkative, though, was he? I once ran over him on the shop bike, across his foot.

Never said a word.

He just hit me with his crutch.

It wasn't my fault, I turned a corner and there he was, strangling a kid.

He always knew how to command respect in the young.

And he looks like death across at Number 29.

They come at 9.

00 on Thursday night with an ambulance and took him away.

They're expecting him back, but I told her, "He looks yellow to me".

That means kidneys.

I wouldn't give you tuppence for his kidneys.

How much is your boiled ham? Well, it's ait's a bit more expensive than his kidneys! But it's choice stuff.

They'll never take that away in an ambulance! -- I'll have a quarter.

-- I think you'll enjoy it.

Aye, I expect so.

'Ey, and speaking of a bit of choice stuff .

.

have you seen her round at 87 lately? 87? W Isn't she the one with theer? That's the one, yes.

-- How is that new lodger? -- Not as fit as she is! I wonder how the husband's taking it.

V--Very infrequently, by the sound of it! (CLEARS THROAT) Her at 85 has heard them playing Scrabble till gone midnight! Oh, dear, well, no good will come of that! That sort of thing's bound to end up in a f--f--four--letter word! I mean, have you ever known her interested in spelling? When she sent me that vicious letter, she spelt "nosy old bag" with a "z"! She never did! .

.

Hey! Would you mind not stocktaking through my legs, please? Wasn't there anything else, Mrs Blewitt? Aye, there was a lot, but nothing I could repeat to you! I see.

Well, that'll be 97p, love.

Thank you.

Oh, don't bother about the 3p, you can owe it me.

Oh, right.

Get that in the till quick before she realises she's been done! I wish you'd put it in.

You know I'm terrified of that spring clip! So much for T--Teach Yourself Kung Fu! 98 weekly parts (!) If you ask me, you've got more weakly parts now than when you started! Who was that raver Mrs Blewitt was on about? Number 87? I don't want you thinking about Number 87! You keep right away from Number 87! I've seen negroes going in there and coming out looking quite pale.

I mean, her mother was just the same.

During the w*r, I had to admonish her when I was an air raid warden.

She was showing a couple of chinks in her upper storey! During the w*r, ordinary people went ga--ga--ga--gaga! Wish I had a bit of frenzy in my life.

Maybe you'll get that m--mouse up your trouser leg! Think I'll ever find the time to get married? Why bother, eh? Why bother? Your father never did! Mother said he d*ed in an accident.

I think he just used that as an excuse.

Gimme that pound note.

Let's get it in the till before it fades! That reminds me, Jaws is on this week at the Odeon.

How do, Granville? How do, Gloria! G--Granville, fetch your cloth and wipe that smile off your face! You don't know you're born! Don't know much about what causes it, either! Do you know that things were so hard in my day that people from Bradford used to go looking for work in Pakistan! What is the point of being on the threshold of life, if you've always got to wear a pinny?! Kids should have less pocket money.

If I could lure them in more often, they would have! Look at that Gloria.

She's got no idea what I look like in trousers.

I've never had things other young men take for granted.

You'd better not have have had! If I c--catch you ever having have had, you will be in trouble! You don't realise it's a g--grave responsibility having a nephew who g--gets emotionally knotted! -- What about you and the nurse? -- Oh, yes.

If I don't marry her soon, I'll have to buy a new electric blanket! (BELL RINGS) 'Ey up, seconds out! The usual, Mr Bristow? THE USUAL, MR BRISTOW? -- Oh! -- Oh! I'm sorry, l--I didn't see you come in! What do you want? The usual? I'll have the usual! That's unusual! You u--usually have something different, don't you? Rightone dozen.

Wouldn't it be easier if you opened an account? (GRUNTS WITH EFFORT) When Wales get home rule, think they'll nationalise Clive Jenkins? Oh! Oh, found one! One of the old ones, in't it? Right.

There we are, then.

Lovely.

There you go.

Don't go out without your helmet done up, you'll lose your head! (MOANS IN PAIN ) -- There you are.

-- Ny glugs! -- My glugs! -- Bless you.

Oh, I see, yes! Let go of them! Oh, I've got your strap done up too tight.

There you are.

Bye--bye.

Well, who was it? Ruddy Apollo III, the plastic astronaut! Oh, that's Mr Bri--i--i--istow! Yes, Mr B--B--B--B--Bristow, yes.

Hey, haven't you got that tin open yet? No.

Why don't you j--j--jiggle it a bit?! Are you sure you know what's in this? I've told you, it's beefy chunks in gravy.

Beefy chunks in gravy.

Lucky I did some diced carrots to go with it! What's for pudding? Cheese and biscuits? 85 Lindley Road.

That's 888987 87I 87I I'll bet it's all a legend.

I'll bet she's not really like that.

I'll bet if I walk through this gate with half a pound of streaky bacon pretending I'd mistaken it for Number 85, I'd be no nearer understanding the forces governing the human predicament.

Oh, dear, w--wounded again, Winston? What's she got you doing now? I'm building another blinking bookcase! It's a wonderful m--mind--broadening thing, your second marriage.

-- Want a large or a small? -- I'd better have a large.

A big bookshelf, is it? Let's have your finger.

Come on.

Oh, dear.

It's a good job it's n--not your drinking hand, isn't it? You must be joking! What practice does that get these days? When I say I fancy a drink, she says, "Oh, good, now you'll build a cocktail cabinet".

Have you told her y--you're a mechanical idiot? She won't listen.

Know what she wanted me to do on our honeymoon? You're not supposed to give away cabinet secrets! She wanted me to prove my love by redoing the bathroom in self--adhesive tiles! Self--adhesive! I was up until 2.

00 trying to let go of her nightie! Oh, dear! Hang on, you know what you want, don't you? You want a medicinal bottle.

Could you use one? There, have a go at that.

You'll like that.

-- Cheers.

-- Cheers.

-- How are you doing with the nurse? -- I'm progressing.

There--there was a time when she didn't even bother to ignore me, but only this morning, there she was, hitting me with a clothes prop.

-- I've had a bit of an accident.

-- You what?! -- I've dented me front spindle! -- That's a relief.

I thI thought you'd damaged the bike! -- What happened? -- Oh, I fell in Lindley Road.

You wouldn't be the first to do that! Hey, I hope you haven't been near 87! -- I was just delivering the goods! -- That's what I'm afraid of! What do you want for the plaster? -- 4p.

-- See you.

Thanks for the drink.

That's another 14 for the drink, aye.

You said, "Have a drink"! Thank you.

Hey, there's threepence on that bottle! W--W--What were you doing? About five miles an hour! No, on my proper side of the road and some silly idiot had parked a van right in the gutter.

What a stupid place to leave it, in the gutter (!) Hey, there's lipstick on you! -- You've been to 87, haven't you?! -- No.

Wipe it off at once! (BELL) -- There, how's that? -- Lovely, yeah.

-- Here, what are you doing?! -- Sshh! -- Keep quiet.

-- Have you gone mad?! Listen, you're a pawn in my dastardly game! Sit there.

I've just got to find her.

Oh, I'm glad to see you.

I'm very w--worried about the lad! -- He's come off his bike.

-- What? Come through the back, love.

You're not asking me under false pretences? Now, as if I would! Come on.

-- Concussion, I think.

-- There's nothin See, listen, he's gone all incoherent! -- Look at his leg.

-- He can't have concussion there! -- I told you, there's noth -- Bite on that for the pain! He's hardly even grazed! His legs look pale.

I should think so! The only time I go out is to make a delivery! As a midwife, I do know how you feel.

Get a soak in the bath, love, you'll be all right.

Don't stroke him! I hope you haven't come here t--to maul him about? I've come for me loaf and teacakes.

He's all right.

You look a bit flushed, though.

You should be careful at your age.

You've been going through the change, haven't you? In the till, I mean! No, to be honest, it's the top of me leg.

I wish you'd have a look at the top of my leg! I'll do no such thing! I'll tell you what.

I'll look at yours, then.

I've got me rounds to make.

He's perfectly all right.

But if you're really worried about him, give him 24 hours complete rest! A day in bed, what bliss! Granville, tucked up all day! (BELL) Are you deaf? Answer that bell.

Blimey, talk about the shortest day! Talking of a day in bed, why don't you come over on Sunday and practise your splints and bandages? I'll tell you what I'll do I'll give you some cooling powders.

Take two in a bath of cold water! I had enough cooling powders when I saw what was hanging on your clothesline! Come on, I demand the plain unvarnished truth about your plain unvarnished underwear! -- Get away from me.

-- Just a little peek? I promise to stand well back if you'll reveal the merest corner.

In an atmosphere of mutual frankness and trust.

-- Get off! -- No! Ow! If she's National Health, I'm entitled to a piece of her.

I reckon we--we--we could make a go of it, once she stops hitting me in the groin.

Ooh, what's that little lacy thing she's ironing? Surely she doesn't wear that on her b--b--b--b on her b--bingo nightl Oh, no, I spoke too soon, she's just b--blown her nose on itl We ought to have a van.

Watch your mouth! I didn't bring you up to be an atheist about money! What time are we closing? I'm meeting Gloria! Pleasure mad, aren't you, eh? Don't just stand there, grab this, as they say at 87! -- Now what? -- When I say, j--j--jiggle it a bit.

That's just the point.

When the time came for me to jiggle it a bit, I found I hadn't had enough experience! I think more people should ride bicycles, Granville.

In my young day, district nurses rode bicycles! Then there was no argument about w--what they were wearing! (CRASH ) Granville, suddenly the world is a brighter place, although, to the casual passer--by, it might seem I have my leg fast! Why don't you just j--jiggle it a bit? Are you all right?! Bit of a jolt in the pedals.

But much improved psychologically.

I was overcome by a spirit of patriotism when I saw that pretty little flag you was waving! What it is to be mad and middle aged! Come indoors and let me look at you.

Thought you'd never ask! I'll race you! It's been a long day.

Th--That's a lot of sky to be a small shopkeeper under.

I wonder if there's a planet up there with another Gladys Emmanuel on it, saying no repeatedly.

(BICYCLE BELL AND LAUGHTER) (WOMAN ) 'Night, Mr Arkwright.

'Ey up, that's that Gloria he's got in the carrier.

Well, well, well, passion on pedals, squeals on wheelsl Still, it's something soft to fall on.

Oh, Lord, let him increase in wisdom and experience without too much pain, or having to come to me for more money.