01x05 - Well Catered Funeral

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How much are these, Mr Arkwright? That'll be ni--ni--ni--nine That'll be n--n--ni--ni--nine That'll be ni--ni--nine -- Oh, give us a shilling! -- OK.

A--A--A large sliced loaf and a tube of instant adhesive.

Are you cutting the sandwiches for the Women's Guild Choir again? S--Spread that on nice and thick.

That'll keep 'em quiet! So, you're going to Parslow's funeral? Yes, even though it's v--very unlikely he'll ever go to mine! G--Granville, two pounds of sugar.

Poor Parslow.

He went very quick at the end.

He went v--very quick at both ends! You know, he was in here on Tuesday last, ordering ale, as l--large as life.

What's so large about life? So far, my life's been about three foot nine.

There's no magic nor magnificence about it! You mean you b--bought that aftershave for nothing? Parslow's been married a long time.

How's his widow bearing up? Lily? F--F--Fairly well.

Yes, well I always knew she drew great strength from the fact that there was a better life to come with him from Albion Street.

Aye, but will he marry her now she's free? There's many a slip twixt rug and kip! He's snookered.

He's looking doomed already.

No, he'll not be at the funeral.

But I'll bet if there's one person that's really broken up about Parslow being dead, it's him from Albion Street.

Why don't I ever get involved in these powerful human dramas? I mean, it's not as though I'm not available.

You'd think word would get about that I'm on the threshold of manhood, willing to be coaxed out of me bicycle clips! I could be lured away from stacking carrots by the first determined mature woman to come along.

Well, practically the first, anyway.

Listen, have you w--weighed them sultanas? Yes, but that's no substitute, is it?! How old is he now? I daren't tell him in case he asks for a rise! There are so many problems in life.

I wonder where we get the strength to carry on.

You're not c--carrying on, are you, Mrs Blewitt? You're not s--snatching forbidden moments of happiness? I'm not snatching anything! That's a good girl.

I was talking about the energy for carrying on living.

For making the daily effort to put a cheerful face on things.

When will you start? Monday? I didn't think that was like the Mrs Blewitt I knew, though it gave me a moment's pause when you said that.

I thought, "If love has walked in, "that's the last time she'll come to me ".

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for a Dr Brownlow's Chest Poultice!" Well, looks like a nice f--fresh day for your funeral, Parslow.

Thank you for the order for the boiled ham and buns for the catering.

Though I must say, if it'd been left to me, you'd have had twice as many Eccles cakes! Lily was working on the assumption that you didn't want much fuss.

Well, we both know that's untrue, don't we? But if you have any objections, Parslow, now's the time to speak.

Look at that suit.

get one for a fiver now! Parslow, you went very sudden, but don't think you're forgotten.

I shall always remember the way you still owe me for that crate of Nut Brown Ale! It's about time the bread man turned up with them funs for the buneral! I hope he brings the buns for the funeral an' all! All right, all right.

Parslow never f--fluffed his words, did he? But he's su--so--sa--su--snuffed it! Was that what k*lled him? Elocution? Anyway, what time are you going out? I don't know whether I dare leave you here alone.

You've got no head for business, have you? Your other end's not very impressive, either! I don't knowwhere are we going with our lives? Eh? I mean, the struggle, what's it all in aid of? The morning of a funeral should give you moments for concern.

D--Don't sit on the penny chews! I mean, where is it all leading to? N--No one will eat a penny chew when it's been sat on! Haven't you ever stopped to consider about the quality of life? I will if I have to eat that penny chew! Look, it's all bent! Do you know what that sound is? Yes, I do.

That's the fight bell.

It means: Seconds out, let's get money in the blue corner! No, that is life passing us by.

That is mortality, old age, sickness .

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death! That reminds me.

We're g--getting very low on mothballs.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls.

It tolls for thee! (PHONE RINGS) Just as long as it doesn't try to r--reverse the charges, that's all! Aren't you going to answer it? N--No, it may be tolling for thee.

Thee answer it! Yes, hello? Oh, yes.

Would you hold on, please? -- Mrs Parslow.

-- Oh, dear.

Hello, Lily.

It's me, Ark--Ark--Ark--Ark Oh, how did you know? Yes, I've ordered the buns, love.

They'll be here.

I'll keep them here.

We can pick them up on the way to the chapel.

I don't want to leave this lad any longer than necessary.

How are you coping? Well, yes, you will be busy, won't you, yes.

You must expect to be busy, mustn't you? It's once in a lifetime, isn't it? I suppose Parslow's no help.

He's lying on his back as usual! Oh, in the front room, is he? Oh, he f--finally made it! I hope he wiped his boots.

(SCREECH OF TYRES) Hang on, Lily, I just heard F--Formula One, the bread man, arriving.

That'll be your buns.

Ta--ta.

Nice morning, Granville.

Aye, it is.

But what are we going to do with it?! Hold this door open for me, I hope.

We're not going to rush out and live every sweet golden moment, are we?! Not unless we go on the shop bike and make deliveries while we're at it! -- Y--You're late, y'know! -- Traffic.

Yes, it's that big bollard in Bridge Street that holds things up.

Then he gets on his bicycle and pedals back to the station! It's getting worse.

I nearly had a nasty shunt in Lockston.

Don't tell me you had to swerve to avoid her at the cake shop's husband? I'm not like that, Mr Arkwright.

Get off, you drive like a family planner! Eh? You never know when you'll pull out in the middle of the road.

People will look in.

I'm making a little list of what you have to do.

-- You won't be alone for long, don't worry.

-- You're the one that's worried! It's my business at risk if you ruin it! What, in one morning? World w*r T--Two started in one morning.

And look what that did to the grocery business! All right, put that down on your list! Instructions for what I have to do in case of an outbreak of hostilities! You're getting very sarcastic! You think I'm just a d--dry old man in love with the profit motive.

You charged Parslow's widow full price for them buns! -- You're a mean old scrote! -- I sent a wreath! That was more like a buttonhole.

-- I can explain that.

-- So can I.

You're a mean old scrote! Listen, I went and p--priced a normal wreath, and I deducted what he owed me for the crate of Nut Brown Ale.

Your own best friend! Yes, he was when he was alive, yes.

Me and Parslow had many a giggle, but to see him now isn't much fun.

-- You should remember him as he was.

-- I do.

-- Full of life.

-- Full of brown ale! Mine, mostly! W--While I am out I want you to behave in a p--proper shopkeeper manner.

-- Understand? -- I know, I know exactly! It's a big smile of welcome.

If it's a cash customer show all your teeth! Meanwhile, your hand should be hovering a few inches from her purse! And then make casual conversation.

"Oh, good afternoon, Mrs Thingumybob.

"How's all your little p--p--pound notes and 50ps keeping? "Do bring your money in again!" Yes, that's very good, that.

I should work on that imp--impersonation! It might be the start of a long career in hospital! There's a whole world outside that I've never even sampled! You've nearly had the wrappers off that M--Maureen once or twice.

I'm talking about adventure, romance, the arts! When did we last have a natter about despair in the works of Dostoevsky? Oh, it m--must be ages (!) What do you think of modern theatre? -- Filth! -- You see? What can we talk about? Life, you dozy prawn! Life! It's all going on out there.

Up and down the street, in and out the windows! It's not in books! You've got your head full of intellectual f--f--fluff.

It's an intellectual world.

A--And look where it's got us.

Where's my tea? Oh, there it is! Oh, dear.

-- What do you fancy for dinner? -- Not a lot.

-- We'll have a bite at the funeral.

-- Who is we? Well, sh--she'll be going, won't she, bless her? Nurse Gladys Emmanuel.

That's what you want, Granville.

A f--fine woman with a fine big heart -- two if possible! Beats all your books.

I suppose it must do.

Especially if you read a lot in bed! Your hands get so cold holding a paperback.

But you can get hold of a good woman without your hands leaving the blanket! Warm sausage roll? I shouldn't be at all surprised! For your dinner! Oh, yes, yes.

Well, I won't want anything cold, not with Parslow the way he is.

-- (BELL) -- Nurse Gladys Emmanuel.

Put that sausage away! -- Well, what can I do you for? -- Two packets of peppermints.

Oh, that sounds reasonable, I accept.

What do you want? Extra strong? You know me, Arkwright, moderation in all things.

I say, you have c--come up a treat, Gladys Emmanuel! Meaning I usually look like some sort of slovenly old bag?! No, not some sort, my favourite sort of slovenly old bag! I'm only joking.

No, I think funerals bring out the best in a woman.

I think it's life's reaction in the face of death.

On the other hand, it could be you're just a dirty old man! Yes, it could.

I like that blouse you've got on there.

I'd like to browse through that blouse! One afternoon, when it's wet.

I'll send it over next time I wash it.

All right, you win.

There you are -- medium strong.

Now, will it be cash, or shall we come to a little arrangement? All right, I accept it on one condition -- that you save me a nice warm seat next to you in the chapel.

And not too near the band.

If I'm not next to you, I shan't enjoy the funeral at all.

-- You are coming? -- Certainly.

You don't think I'm wearing this suit to impress the bread man? I bet Parslow's wearing a better one and he's going to be cremated! I'm n--not getting rid of this! It keeps coming back into fashion! The last of the big spenders, you are (!) There's two miracles I find hard to believe -- the opening of the Red Sea and your wallet! I'm trying to scrape together a few bob so we can have a honeymoon! We're supposed to get married first! That was in the old days.

It's all self--service now, in't it? Not round here, it isn't! Oh, very well, then, I'll marry you.

Name the day.

Any b--bank holiday between n--now and Christmas.

And who'd look after me mother? I've thought about that.

I saw this old film the other night.

Peter Cushing had someone like your mother in a dungeon under the castle.

-- It had red eyes and was very hairy -- (BELL) Oh, she's the first person I've met that doesn't like Peter Cushing.

Don't upset yourself, Lily! We'll get the buns in! If Mrs Halliwell's in a good mood, try and talk her into something extravagant for the bathroom.

-- Are you sure you'll be all right? -- I'll be all right.

(PHONE RINGS) Arkwright and Granville's.

Of course I'm all right! You've only been gone ten minutes! Where are you speaking from? Does he know you're in his study on the phone while he's preaching? No, go back to the chapel.

And don't forget to leave money for the call! What? The telephone's bright red? Maybe you got on the hot line! I should get off before we hear another voice on the line! Look, I keep telling you, I'm all right! We had a nice lot of customers all in one go! A bus just came through the wall! No, no, nowe've nearly got the fire under control.

Don't start stuttering, I'm only pulling your leg! That's a nice thing to say over a chapel telephone (!) # .

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hope and set me free # Let me tread the road with thee # Guide my f--f--feet and t--take my hand # Lead me to the P--P--P--Promised Land # Lift my heart and cleanse my soul # Lead me through ??? (HYMN CONTINUES) # What I have I freely give # That my soul once more may live -- # Our greed have put away # -- I've got no change.

# Towards that triumphal day # You'll have to put a pound in, won't you? A pound?! # And for ever more # .

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fountain of tranquillity # Guide me, lest my soul doth stray # Hark, thy road runs straight thy way # Angels guide me to thy breast # And eternally to rest # Am--m--m--men! # Do you want any eggs, Mr Wilkinson? So, that's the way your mind's working now? What way, Mr Wilkinson? -- Eggs! -- Do you want any, Mr Wilkinson? You start thinking about eggs, next thing you know, you'll be encouraging your mind to dwell on thereproductive cycle! You'll not find the four--letter word "eggs" on my shopping list! Give 'em up, lad! Turn your back on 'em.

Keep yourself clean! I do, Mr Wilkinson, I do.

I'll have two ounces of liquorice torpedoes.

They'll take your mind away from eggs.

I'm not against all forms of pleasure.

It can be a great burden, Granville, being holier than everybody else.

But I enjoy it.

What do you enjoy, lad? Good health, Mr Wilkinson.

That reminds me, I want a new battery.

-- Oh, shaver? -- Torch.

I know where to find them in the bushes after dark! -- Eggs? -- People.

Out of wedlock.

Oh, them bushes! -- They soon get worn out.

-- I beg your pardon?! Batteries! Oh, yes, I expect they would if you use them like that.

Next time you feel desperate for an egg, lad, pause and remember where it's come from! The world is full of nasty places, Granville! What do you have with your bacon, Mr Wilkinson? Fried bread, lad! The wholesome loaf! We know where that's come from, don't we? That randy little bread man delivers it, Mr Wilkinson.

Shan't be long.

Will you get a move on?! You're holding everything up! I wish you wouldn't make these provocative statements.

It'll be like old times for Parslow.

He never went by without stopping.

L--I thought I'd pop in, as I was passing.

There's no need.

I'm all right! I thought you'd think it f--funny if I went past and didn't look in.

Pardon me.

You'll be late for the crematorium! It's all right, they can clog on a bit instead of crawling! Hey, we're doing all right.

Has M--Mrs Ellis been in for her bread yet? Yes.

And did you save them brown rolls for Mrs Mukarjee? Yes.

-- Has Hilda's kid been in yet? -- Not yet.

If he gets troublesome, you know where the drawing pins are.

Pin him to the door by his socks.

I'll try to get back for that big rush when they get off the bus.

It's only four or five people! All at once! I've p--put years into this business! I know! You've put years on me, keep on checking up on me! (CAR HORN ) You know, even when Parslow and me were at school, when we'd discuss the future, it was the same then, you know.

I knew what I wanted.

I wanted me own business.

P--People were like that in them days.

You could go for weeks without seeing a s--soul who worked for the state.

Now, if you put all the government officials end to end, I doubt if anyone would notice.

What did Parslow want to be? I don't know.

I don't think he knew, exactly.

But I'm damned sure it wasn't that out there! (CAR HORN BLARES) You'd better go.

Parslow's getting impatient! It's all them flowers, you know.

V--Very bad for his hay fever! Been a funny old day.

Aye, it has for me an' all.

That shop bell's never stopped! Half the time, it was you! I told you, I don't like to be away from the shop for too long.

In that case, what's all this loose chat about us going on honeymoon? Are there are some things for which I'll make an exception.

Have you had an onion tonight, dear? No! What sort of exceptions? Ah, now's your chance, Nurse.

The world's your oyster.

He'll take you anywhere within cycling distance! W--why don't you go out and enjoy yourself, Granville? Well, go out, anyway! You're always squawking about never having any time off.

Are you saying the rest of the day's mine?! -- It's nearly bedtime! -- That's true.

Not round here, it isn't! Not if I don't get a decent honeymoon.

All right, where do you want to go? Tahiti.

But I'm open to suggestions.

What did you have in mind? I thought we'd borrow Dickie Jowett's boat and cruise the inland waterways.

Where exactly? I fancy the stretch of canal between here and M--Mowbray Street.

Well, don't go all National Health about it! -- It all water! -- How can you tell, it's so mucky?! And if we got all the way to exotic Mowbray Street, you'd barely be able to hear the shop bell! I bet old Parslow would wish he could go to Tahiti.

Where he's gone this afternoon is hot enough for anybody! You're not leaving us, are you? I'm going to tuck me mother in.

Pity you didn't tuck her in with Parslow! Why don't you come back later and have one of my special nightcaps? -- He's going out.

-- Don't think I'll bother.

OWW! I'll go out! I'll go out and see what's happening! Oh, what it must be like to be young! Hurry back, Gladys.

Ring the bell, won't you? -- I'm making no promises.

-- Goodnight, Granville! Don't send him out on his own! Oh, don't fret about me.

There's so much to do (!) I mean, the whole town's a--buzz (!) Sometimes, if you're lucky, you can find all sorts of moths to watch attracted by street lights!