02x01 - Laundry Blues

[bunniefuu]

-- We need a new brush.

-- Nonsense.

That's a marvellous brush.

I've had it 14 years.

It's only had two new heads and three new handles.

That's how many miles this brush has done.

When you consider what a tiny speck this planet is on the c--cosmic landscape.

Isn't it marvellous that the VAT man can find his way to my shop whenever he wants? He can't fault my double--entry bookkeeping, but I view his visits with a sense of fore--foreboding.

"Fore--foreboding"? Two fours is eight--boding.

I'm double--entry talking now.

When Old Blue Eyes sings about The Wee Small Hours of the Morning, it's obvious he never worked in a shop.

I know your sort.

If I didn't tur--turf you out of bed of a morning, you'd be there till gone seven.

It's marvellous, isn't it? The difference in lifestyle between me and Frank Sinatra.

But did he find true happiness? I don't know, but he had a good look in some interesting places.

-- Ava Gardner.

-- It's pronounced Av--a Gardner.

We used to say if you're going to 'ave a gardener, she's the one to have! Mind you, on second thoughts I'm busy with my first thoughts! Before you let your mind wander, make sure it's not too weak to be out on its own.

On second thoughts, she'd be the kind of woman who'd be very expensive.

She wouldn't be satisfied with a packet of tights at cost.

No, not that lady.

She would demand a c--crippling discount.

Oh.

Did you see that? At the thought of erosion into my profit margin, my fingers lost all sense of grip.

Pick 'em up.

Oh.

Honestly, what am I doing with my life, eh? Grovelling around on the floor picking up Ava Gardner's tights.

-- Don't crease them.

-- I'm never likely to! When I think of the tights that have been through my fingers, it's time I had one with a leg in it.

Granville, you're always the same of a morning.

Full of desperate talk.

I reckon it's the fluoride they put in the toothpaste.

I think it's imbalancing your hormones.

Or maybe you're not regular enough with your sh--sh With your shaving.

My advice to you in times of stress is to spit--polish your boots.

-- Put the kettle on.

-- All right.

You've been a constant worry to me ever since you first went into Y--fronts.

The secret of an orderly life is to leave yourself relaxed around the premises.

Here.

Oh, dear! Look what you've made me do! I didn't do that, you did! It's gone clean through.

It's got a hole both sides.

That's the worse kind of a hole.

I just passed them over, you spiked them.

You interrupted my rhythm, my filing system.

Anything I've got in my hand at a time like this goes straight on the spike.

Good job you're not in the medical profession.

It's bad enough having the VAT man coming this morning.

Now I've got to reduce a pair of tights.

You can't sell them now.

We don't know that until we try.

I wish you wouldn't adopt a negative attitude.

I don't know where you get it from.

Your mother never said no.

-- She wouldn't buy tights with holes in.

-- She was game for a bargain, my sister.

If anyone knew how to get a bit knocked off, she did.

Was she a smart dresser? Yes, she liked her clothes.

-- How did she do her hair? -- With bits of grass in the back.

You liked her, though, didn't you? She was kind, loving and generous.

No sense at all.

-- (BELL JANGLES) -- Customer! Is he coming in or isn't he? The suspense is k*lling me.

It's amazing, isn't it? You stock your shop with all kinds of luxuries and still they d--dither on the doorstep.

You'd be amazed at what they do on that doorstep.

I have to sweep it up! (BELL JANGLES) He can't get in.

He can't get in! You've left the bolt on.

What's the matter with you? He's gone now.

Get after him, go on.

You can't grab customers off the street.

You can't if you don't hurry.

Go on.

I'll get him.

OK, Lieutenant, this whole area is in a w*r zone.

(IMITATES SHELLS EXPLODING) I want everybody in this zone down this bunker! Told you it wouldn't be a minute.

What about me bus? I've got a bus to catch! I'll get you out in time for that.

We have a quick turnover in this shop.

I was standing at the bus stop! Cigarettes or tobacco, sir? Half asleep, thinking about the wife's bad leg We've got the finest bad leg department in the area.

Where did I put it? .

.

when I feel his hand on my shoulder -- and I'm in the lair of this mad grocer! -- You was hammering on the door.

-- Who was? -- You was.

It wasn't me.

I've heard things about this place.

Why do you think I tiptoe past this shop? We've gone and caught the wrong one.

You ought to be more careful! Being in this game as long as I have, all the male customers start to look alike.

Though I never forget a wallet.

Don't worry, sir.

No harm done.

You snatch a bloke from a bus stop! I thought we were off to Cuba.

I can only apologise, sir, and offer you this small token in compensation for any inconvenience caused.

-- What is it? -- For the wife's bad leg.

A bandage.

-- That's very decent.

-- It's a miracle! Ingenious device.

Can be worn on both legs, though preferably not at the same time, or the lady might fall flat on her fa--face.

Thank you very much.

-- My pleasure, sir.

65p, please.

-- What? for the ease and comfort of a loved one.

Or even the wife.

Would you like some liniment for her? -- No, I flaming wouldn't! -- Thank you.

Get that pound in the till, Granville.

One, two, three and 35.

I hear your bus coming.

Step this way.

-- Do call again.

-- You must be joking! Well, you certainly made his day.

Crafty beggar! Tiptoeing past the shop.

I bet he'll go via Arnold Street in future! It's your fault.

It's your wireless blaring away.

That's why we don't hear them.

I could have had him years ago.

Are you going to get that pound in the till? I earned that one.

No, not the till.

It's vicious.

I daren't tackle it till I've got my wits about me.

Don't be so daft! Come here.

That's something you rarely see on a s--supermarket shelf.

Keep your distance, Arkwright.

How would you fancy a fu--fun--filled fortnight in a sunny corner of the room above me shop? -- You're all mouth and trousers.

-- Not necessarily in that order.

Keep away! Don't start grappling in the street.

They all know we're going to be married.

They're not all invited to the dress rehearsal.

What would you take for a swollen chest? More than you'd pay! Look, if you really want to make yourself useful, my washing machine's broken.

-- I've rung an engineer.

-- You don't need an engineer.

I'll pop round later with me be--be Don't pop round with your bare anything! With me be--best tool kit.

I wish you'd let me finish sometimes.

The best thing you can do is let me borrow your washer.

-- Ah, well.

-- What do you mean? "Ah, well"? -- I'll pay for the electricity.

-- It's not that.

-- You're slipping, Arkwright.

-- I can't charge you for the electricity.

That's very flattering coming from you.

Who's getting soft in his old age? Why can't you charge me? Because me washing machine's not electric.

Tight old devil! What kind of appliances have you got? -- Well, I've got Oh, dear.

-- What's up with the nurse? So you've noticed? She's not in playful mood this morning.

Isn't it typical? The first time I get her in my private quarters and she's not in playful mood.

What can I give her? What have I got to tempt her with? -- How much are you prepared to spend? -- Practically anything! Under a pound.

It's not the money that counts, it's the thought.

You never think of anything worth more than a pound! Honestly.

I'd lavish any amount of gifts on any female I was engaged to if I had the wherewithal.

Hey! You keep your wherewithal in your pocket.

I've seen you sneaking out covered in solid brilliantine, looking for somewhere to lose your wherewithal.

Look at me.

I'm stuck here slicing bacon and my life is trickling away.

I'll probably never be cited in a divorce case.

It'll be short--sighted if you are! I lie awake at night wondering what WX means in practical terms.

You won't let me hair grow.

I've never worn an earring.

The only way I'll get grass stains on my jeans is by watching cricket! -- I thought you liked cricket.

-- Not as much as girls.

I used to like cricket before I went swimming and saw Deirdre Watson's navel.

That were a revelation to me.

I've never seen anything quite as beautiful.

I never realised somebody could fall in love with a navel.

I were thinking about it as they were giving me artificial respiration.

I've got it.

This is just the thing.

A pair of tights! What woman would say no to a pair of tights? -- That's the pair you spiked! -- Sshh! Keep your voice down.

-- They've got a hole in.

-- We don't know they've got a hole in.

However, if she finds they have got a hole in, I'm willing to re--examine the situation.

Just my luck if it's round her flaming ankle! -- Oh! Hello, my love.

-- Don't you "love" me! That's a terrible order to give an engaged person.

If you think you're marrying me into a kitchen like that, you'd better think again.

-- What's wrong with me kitchen? -- Look at him.

He doesn't even know.

It's like the Black Museum.

You haven't one modern appliance.

There's the ga--ga--gas po--poker! In the age of the microchip, Arkwright's still running on steam! You better marry me, Gladys Emmanuel, before I run out of steam.

Not until you drag this place into the 20th century! How do you manage to do your laundry with stuff like that? -- It's easy.

-- How can it be easy? -- He does it.

-- Oh, the poor lad! You must be a blight on his adolescence.

-- Granville, come out of there at once.

-- Leave him alone.

He's not alone.

He's got two friends in there with him! -- Poor lad.

-- He'll be going dizzy with pleasure.

-- I'm not sure he can breathe.

-- I can breathe! I can breathe! Don't talk with your mouth full.

Come on.

He's gone all unnecessary around the jeans now, look.

When I get back, Arkwright, I want to see a brand--new washing machine in there.

Brand--new?! Brand--new.

None of your tatty old bargains.

And a spin dryer.

Spin? Oh.

I can't do that today.

I've got the VAT man coming.

And tomorrow I'll be washing me hair.

Oh, dear.

If it's not one thing -- How much is a new washing machine? -- Don't know.

No wonder if your head's stuck in people's bosoms! -- I couldn't help it.

-- Doesn't need any help, does it? It's doing perfectly well on its own that bosom is, between the two of it.

Look at that! There's something vaguely clinical about a state--registered leg climbing into a Morris Minor.

Oh, Granville, fetch a cloth.

Oh, look at her.

Take your time, Mavis.

We can't rush a decision like this.

Large loaf or small? -- I'll have a large sliced loaf.

-- Large sliced loaf.

No.

No, I'll take a small one.

That'll do nicely for us two.

Unless his mother comes for suppertime.

Before we've decided what's for tea, it is suppertime.

-- It's the same at our house.

-- Really? -- I'll have a tin of beans.

-- Tin of beans, right.

Ah.

Now, then Large or small? Have you anything in between? Only a couple of thumbs at the moment.

-- Small.

-- That'll be 41p.

There we are.

A large loaf and a tin of beans.

You know how to plan a meal, Mavis.

Thank you very much.

There we are.

Here comes our friendly neighbourhood VAT man.

Excuse me, Mavis.

-- Good morning, sir.

-- Damn dogs! Oh, dear.

You certainly seem to have got your 15% of that lot! -- Is it off? -- It doesn't smell too fresh to me.

It ought to be on a leash.

That's what I always say.

And the dog too, preferably.

Why don't you go through to the warehouse, Mr O'Riley.

Mavis, I'll just leave you there deciding whether or not to leave the shop.

Right.

Here we are, Mr O'Connor.

Snug as a bug in a rug here.

I wouldn't stay here very long if I were you.

-- We have a job to do.

-- Yes, I understand that.

I meant on account of the mice.

Mice? You've got mice? Not officially.

I can't show you a receipt for them.

From time to time, a little grey chap pokes his head out of there.

Little? How little? Teeth like an alligator.

Oh, dear, dear, dear.

I'd like to have known my father.

Yes.

So would your mother.

You'd have thought she might have told you something about him.

Look at the price of this one! It's terrible, is that.

In my young day, I could have bought a washerwoman for that.

A big one! I wonder how tall my father was.

Do you think he was Hungarian? There were quite a few about at the time.

And among your mother's last effects, I did find a jar of paprika.

-- I see him with a moustache.

-- No, no.

That was your mother.

I'll say one thing about her, she certainly knew how to enjoy life without a flaming washing--machine.

Look at the price! Two hundred and twenty--two Two hundred and twenty--two pounds, twenty--two p! I'm not paying that.

I can't even say it! You'll have to get one.

The nurse will be watching.

Stay here and look after the shop, will you? Keep your eye on that VAT man.

If he starts asking nasty questions, just say that you no comprende.

-- Tell him your father was Hungarian.

-- Do you think he was? Well, he dropped a goulash with your mother.

-- I thought it was you, Arkwright.

-- It's me, Neville.

-- Just window shopping, are you? -- I am at these p--prices.

You're a hard man to bargain with.

You can't win them all, Neville.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll give you a pound just to take your custom to another shop.

Neville, where's your sense of adventure? I am looking for a new washing machine.

-- A new one? You? -- Aye.

Big, glossy and new.

To be delivered immediately.

Well, in that case, come inside.

Come inside.

-- To be delivered immediately.

-- Immediately.

Only delivered.

-- I'm not buying one at this sort of money.

-- I might have known.

I just want it delivered, you see? In full view of the street.

We'll take it in through the shop door, whip it out through the back and you can pick it up again.

In return for which I'll undertake something more modest in the reconditioned line.

What? A second--hand one, you custard.

-- What are you doing? -- Keep your voice down.

It's a device for the VAT man.

If I give a sharp tug on this string, something runs over his foot.

It's not a lorry, but it'll have to do.

You're supposed to be watching out for Neville.

-- We shall miss the nurse if you don't.

-- All right.

Aagh! Isn't there somewhere else I can work? What about the carpet department at Lewis's? -- I've got a job to do here.

-- You're in the best place there.

-- It's snug in there.

-- Something ran over my foot.

That'll be Granville on the shop bike.

It was a mouse.

It felt like a mouse.

Really? What colour? I don't know.

What difference does it make? You'll soon find out if it's that little grey beggar! If it's one of the brown ones, it's all right.

One of the brown ones? How many have you got? I don't know.

I didn't realise I had to itemise things as finely as that.

-- Neville's coming! -- Neville's coming.

You're too early, Neville.

She's not back yet.

Go round the block again.

Where's that woman got to? What's the time? Look at that.

Listen.

Get after Neville.

He's in the lorry.

Get on your bike.

Put it down there.

(ARKWRIGHT) Inside.

Come on.

-- You've splashed out.

-- It's me new appliance.

If you left your window open later, I could pop up the ladder.

-- No, you couldn't.

-- And sort out my old appliance.

That old thing? What makes you think that's of any earthly use? The best thing you can do with that is paint it and stick a plant in it.

Sorry.

Back now.

To me again.

Right.

-- I can't keep on being interrupted.

-- We've just got to take it out again.

-- Out again? -- Yes.

Excuse me, lads.

Straight out the back door now.

Go on.

Then get in the real stuff.

I've put a strong motor in the spin dryer.

It vibrates a bit, but if you lean on it, it's OK.

That's what I'm always telling Granville.

How's it going, Granville? -- Water's hot.

I'm going to switch it on.

-- Right.

(CLUNKING AND WHIRRING) That doesn't sound too bad, does it? Why don't you try the spin dryer now? The spin dryer.

Right.

(WHIRRING AND KNOCKING) -- Forget it! -- Pardon? -- Forget it.

I'll be back next year.

-- Forgotten it already.

-- Oh.

Hello, my love.

-- What's all that row? Oh, that's the news s--spin dryer.

-- New? -- Well It's no good.

It's not working.

Everything's getting knotted.

And that goes for you too! I'm getting low on firelighters but what can you expect at my age? I wonder if our Granville is Hungarian.

He was muttering a weird language while untying the knots in his best shirt.

They don't know they're born.

At his age, I never had a best shirt.

People used to live two or three to a shirt in them days.