02x03 - Fig Biscuits and Inspirational Toilet Rolls

[bunniefuu]

I'm getting worried about Granville.

He's at a fu--fu--funny age.

That's nice.

I'm s--stuttering when I'm only thinking now.

Granville, fetch a cloth.

-- Why do you always do that? -- Do what? This.

Oh, that's the shopkeeper's chafe.

We do that for luck and to remember how much more fortunate we are than the humble grasshopper.

If he wants to make that sort of noise, he has to rub his hind legs together.

Imagine if shopkeepers did that.

What would that do to their overheads? Every morning though, it's this.

You'll do it once too often and your hands will burst into flames.

Do I detect in the heart of the embryo shopkeeper an air of be--belligerence? Yes, you do detect an air of be--be--belligerence! -- How many bolts are on here? -- You can't be too careful.

It's very disturbing for a man to start his day with all this Freudian symbolism.

Who got out of bed the wrong side? There's no right side this early.

You want to get to bed at night.

What? We don't even close till nine o'clock.

If I go out, it's midnight before I can turn round.

That's what you do, is it? Turning round.

That's very dubious.

No good will come of young couples out late turning round.

I don't know why we open up at this time in the morning.

I was dreaming I was cruising down the main drag in Las Vegas.

Las Vegas, is it? You and Bugsy Spiegel? We were looking for a hot fruit machine.

There's one in the kitchen.

-- Where? -- The gas oven.

After the early morning rush, you can make an apple pie.

Early morning rush? Six blokes and a sheepdog! Sometimes all at once.

You want to be ready for them.

They'll be here soon.

With no time to spare for that morning bus.

Look at these fig biscuits.

We've got too many fig biscuits.

Start pushing fig biscuits.

My uncle gets me up before dawn so I can open the door for somebody's sheepdog.

-- See what he wants.

-- G--g--good morning.

What can we do for you? Thank you very much.

Hold on.

He wants a large tin of baked beans and a packet of firelighters.

You have a very unusual breakfast, sir, if I may say.

There we are.

No fig biscuits? Do you want fig biscuits, sir? No.

No fig biscuits.

There you are.

Off you go.

And don't go cocking your leg on the brushes and brooms.

He's very obedient.

He didn't go anywhere near them.

He did it over the seed display stand.

I hope they don't start germinating.

Doesn't it worry you that life is passing us by while we serve incontinent dogs? It doesn't worry me as long as they pay cash.

Get this money in the till.

-- Why don't you get it in? -- It'll warm you up.

Get it in.

-- You need waking up.

-- All right.

Come on.

You're not playing the "Warsaw Concerto".

Get it in.

I don't like it.

It's dangerous.

You big girl's blouse! Give it here.

I'm going to open that up one morning and find it full of loose fingers.

-- Get off.

-- There you go again.

Make the most of it while you've still got fingers.

There's n--no need for you to do it.

-- "There's n--no need for you to do it"! -- Shut up, you! I have to keep my hands at room temperature in case I have to decant any of that sparkling vintage full--bodied white -- known locally as Nurse Gladys Emmanuel.

Give it up.

She's never going to marry you.

We're engaged.

Why shouldn't she? -- Your interests aren't broad enough.

-- She's broad enough for both of us.

She wants more than somebody who can calculate percentages in his head.

That's just a knack with me.

I've been knackered with that since birth.

Get up! Here they come hot foot for the first bus! Hello, Mr Glastonbury.

There's the usual, there we are.

There we are, Mr Rafferty.

There you are.

Whose hand is that? It's Mr Ellis.

I thought it was a stranger with yellow gloves.

It's the nicotine.

Thank you.

And that's your usual there.

And there's yours.

Anyone else? There we are.

Just throw the papers on the floor.

My assistant will sweep them up.

If he sweeps up a pair of lungs, the owner can get them later.

Better out than in.

They're on the move.

Open the door.

Look.

That was a saucepan before they came in.

You know, there'd be less racket and less fumes if we let the bus in here and they waited outside.

A lot of effort goes into c--coughing like that.

If I could harness all that energy, I could heat this place for a week.

Then maybe you'd let me have some heat in my bedroom instead of being in with the perishables from the cold store.

The last thing a lad like you wants at your tricky age is a warm bedroom.

Do you know how many unnatural practices are attributable to c--central heating? Talking of 'eating.

Go and get us some breakfast.

That's an unnatural practice.

Eating in the middle of the night.

What's happened to Mr Harris? I hope he hasn't given up coughing for Lent.

-- Oh, dear, brazen is this.

-- What is? -- This page.

-- Which page? -- The page with your fingermarks on it.

-- Oh, that page.

Full of young ladies' upper attributes.

Change it to something with more substance.

I don't think I could handle any more substance.

Oh, look at her.

She's got more front than Eastbourne.

Take a serious newspaper.

Prove to Nurse Gladys that you've got other interests.

She won't let me prove my first interest! -- (BELL JANGLES) -- Can you get that? Me hands are all floury.

Sharpened his reflexes, nearly missing a customer last week.

-- Morning, Mrs Blewett.

-- Is it? Not if you have to run about after him.

and he can't keep a button on his shirt! A tin of polish and a bottle of bleach.

-- Another tin of polish, Mrs Blewitt? -- They don't go very far.

You must have a nice shiny place to be miserable in.

You'd be miserable if you lived with him.

If he's not under me feet, he's down at the British Legion trying to drink his way through the Second World w*r.

I wouldn't mind, but he only got as far as Aldershot.

-- Just you and him now, is it? -- More's the pity.

-- He never was any help.

-- How many kids was it? -- Seven.

-- How much help do you want? It explains a few of them missing buttons.

There we are.

-- Is that a strong bleach? -- Strong? That's lethal.

You can hear it seething in the bottle on a still night.

-- You'll not have seen Mrs Moffat.

-- No, not this morning.

-- Nor yesterday.

-- No.

-- She has been seen.

-- Has she? -- In Chesterfield.

-- Oh.

That's nothing to be ashamed of.

It's not illegal.

-- That's where he lives.

-- He? Who? Her fancy man.

In Chesterfield.

Her fa--fa--fa--fa Her fa Her boyfriend? -- Yes.

She's had him for years.

-- Oh.

I suppose he's had her as well.

Who'd have thought? She looks such a quiet woman in that hat.

-- They're the worst.

-- Yes, I know.

I should have known it all along because she never did buy any.

-- Buy any what? -- She never bought a packet of fig biscuits.

At today's price, they present an economical supplement to the household diet.

-- Fig biscuits? -- Yes, the very same.

-- The chaste housewife's indicator.

-- What's so special about fig biscuits? Nothing that a customer would spot.

It takes a lifetime of shopkeeping to spot the connection.

-- What connection? -- The fig connection.

Between the fig biscuit and honourable womanhood.

Don't ask me to explain it.

But you show me a grocery list without a fig biscuit and I will show you a housewife of doubtful moral rectitude.

That's a packet of bleach and a tin of polish.

Yeah.

And a packet of fig biscuits.

And fig biscuits.

There we are, Mrs Blewitt.

Thank you very much.

Good day.

Don't come too close, Arkwright.

This early I bruise easy.

Nurse Gladys Emmanuel, for whom I have only the gentlest of intentions.

You only go gentle when you're spending.

I'm going to work.

I hate to think where these hands would have been when they get back.

If you're going to grab me, do it while your fingers are still fresh.

Out of the way, you silly beggar.

You get worse.

-- Allow me to assist you into your vehicle.

-- No, thanks.

Go on, Gladys.

Let me give you a helping hand where I need it.

Clear off! If you're going to handle anything nasty, put your gloves on.

This shop bike's useless.

It's totally clapped out.

Like your mother, always striving for perfection.

-- There's a hell of a rattle down here.

-- Such was her reputation, I believe.

At the height of her creative period.

-- A nice thing to say about your sister! -- Half sister.

We never did find out which half.

Me father married again, you see.

He never got anything right the first time.

We'll have to get this damn bike fixed.

Oh, just j--jiggle it a bit.

I spend half me life just j--jiggling it a bit.

Your mother was wild and rebellious too.

-- I can't remember what she looked like.

-- Big, beautiful and buxom.

-- You take after your father.

-- What was he like? Lightning.

Get these orders round and don't take all day about it.

Do you reckon he was Hungarian? She must have loved him to have kept his identity secret.

-- Or she couldn't pronounce it.

-- Yeah.

If she hadn't met him, I wouldn't be here.

You're not supposed to be here now! You're supposed to be out.

It makes you think though, doesn't it? What a narrow line there is between who gets born and who doesn't get born.

I could have been one of the nameless unborn.

I would have thought of something to call you.

Who's that stupid young twonk? Just some Hungarian.

(KLAXON BLARES) (KLAXON) I better have a tin ofsoup.

One tin of soup, Mavis.

Large or small? Large.

No.

Small.

Oxtail? Mulliga--mulli--tawn Mulliga--mu--mu--mulliga M--mulli Tomato? Oxtail.

-- Oxtail.

-- No.

I'd better take tomato.

-- Tomato.

-- Yes.

Unless you've got Scotch broth? Scotch broth? That's very exotic.

I haven't got a small tin.

I'll only have a large tin.

-- Oh.

-- Well, I can't cut them in half, Mavis.

It all plops out, you see.

I'll tell you what.

I'll sell you one large tin but only charge you for two small tins.

Thank you, Mr Arkwright.

I don't now whether I ought to take a tin of luncheon meat.

-- Is it on your list? -- Yes.

But I crossed it out.

(KLAXONS BLARE) Get off, you daft beggar! You're a lovely mover, Granville! We've all got to move with the times, Mr Arkwright.

What you ought to try are some of our new Inspirational toilet Sorry.

-- You don't care about me.

-- I feed you and clothe you.

Yes.

Send me out on an antique shop bike.

It's a grand little machine.

It doesn't do much for my image.

Other people my age have sports cars.

Listen, little sport.

You did enough damage to that driver with your bike.

-- You don't care about me.

-- You go too fast on that bike, Granville.

My only excitement is a bit of speed.

If I hadn't been there, you would have been savaged by an Inspirational toilet roll holder.

A thought for the day on every leaf.

I bet he was having a few thoughts for the day himself! I had to buy two dozen of these to cool him down.

What do I do with two dozen Inspirational toilet rolls? And I don't I don't want any earthy suggestions from you, Cinderella.

Get that wood down the cellar or you won't go to the ball.

Open the trap.

My hands are full.

My hands are full with a speed--crazed Hungarian like you! Come on.

There's no variety in my life.

You're going down the cellar.

How much excitement do you want? I don't know why we got rid of the van.

You do know why we got rid of the van.

Because you couldn't sleep every time they put petrol up! If I'm going to ride that bike, I'm going to get it done up.

I'm going to get myself a few accessories.

Clear that cellar out while you're down there, will you? And if you find a rusty old lamp, don't rub it.

Hello, Mavis.

Back again? On second thoughts, I think I'll take the other brand.

-- Are you sure? -- Yes.

I've made me mind up.

My goodness, you do seem very sure of yourself.

Have you been having a nip at the sherry? It changes me personality.

Shopping becomes a completely new experience.

You naughty thing.

I'll go to the warehouse and get you a packet.

While I'm gone, try to keep your eyes off the Inspirational toilet rolls, which are spoken for.

If it was me, I'd let you have some, but it's impossible.

-- Are they new? -- Yes.

But don't tempt yourself.

(GRANVILLE) Aye up! I'm talking to you.

Can you hear me? Is anybody there? Where's he gone? He's in the warehouse.

-- Who's that? -- They call me Mavis.

Oh, hello, Mavis.

Hello.

Here you are.

If that's no good, we've got Brand X left.

Mr Arkwright, I heard a little voice.

I suppose it told you to change back to the other detergent.

-- No.

-- No? No.

It said "Hello, Mavis.

" Did it? A little Oh, did it? Well, that sounds most friendly It doesn't appear to everyone, you know.

You're in luck.

Who could it be? We've made exhaustive inquiries and concluded that it's the spirit of a Victorian shopkeeper who likes to keep his finger on the pulse of trade.

-- His finger? -- It's only metaphorical, Mavis.

Nothing you need tell your husband about.

But this particular spirit seems to have a very good eye for a good quality buy.

If you were fortunate enough to hear him recommend today's best buy, then I would not hesitate.

Tell you what, the best place to stand to hear the voice is about there.

All right, Mavis.

Shut your eyes and concentrate.

That's the idea.

Speak, O experienced one.

(GRANVILLE) You what? Ow! -- What is today's b--best buy? -- Fig biscuits? Speak again, O learned one.

(BOOMING VOICE) Fig biscuits! -- What did he say, Mavis? -- It sounded like fig biscuits.

That's what I thought.

That's one of my today's best bargains.

Turn round.

He's coming through again.

(MONK--LIKE CHANT) Inspirational toilet roll.

-- Louder, Sir Jasper.

-- Inspirational toilet roll! Oh.

And how many should the lady buy in order to ensure good luck? Two Oh! -- How many? -- Oh, hell! Twohell.

Twelve! Twelve? I see.

Thank you.

Thank you, old Victorian shopkeeper.

Over and out.

Well, Mavis.

That's two lucky buys you were given today.

I say.

(ARKWRIGHT) Inspirational toilet rolls -- a dozen of those.

There we are.

One packet of fig biscuits.

That comes to £4 exactly, Mavis.

Mind how you go.

Though now you can go as often as you like! With those fig biscuits, she'll need that lot.

You shouldn't pull her leg like that.

You can't afford scruples when you've overbought on Inspirational toilet rolls.

Let's see.

That's 12 down and 12 to go.

-- Can I have a bun? -- Course you can.

There's more than enough.

-- Have I ever deprived you of anything? -- Only a satisfactory love life.

Well, eat your bun.

-- All right, are they? -- Lovely.

-- I didn't think you'd let me have one.

-- You wound me at times.

Like when? The time I sat on your bicycle clips springs to mind.

How's the cream? Is it nice? -- It's lovely.

-- I'm not really mean to you, am I? No, not to me.

To everybody.

That's just a façade.

Remember, I brought you up from this high.

Admittedly, not very far.

I know I'm too small for elegant women.

Yes, but you're just the right size for a nice shop bike, aren't you? You're getting all sticky.

Have a piece of this.

You're being very agreeable today.

A little thoughtfulness never comes amiss.

-- Is that what it says there? -- No.

I said that.

Here it says, "A thought for today.

"Don't forget that yesterday was the tomorrow "you worried about the day before yesterday.

" -- I don't get that.

-- No.

Wipe your fingers.

That'll be 50p exactly, please.

-- Just for one bun? -- No.

And the toilet roll as well.

Don't moan.

I've knocked 5p off for you.

That's a lovely roll.

Stick a bit of cheese in it and it'll be lovely.

There we are.

One pound, 50p to take.

There we go.

You wouldn't get this sort of economic training Aaagh! Shall I close the trapdoor or will you put up with the draught? Give me your hand.

Not there! You're worse on one leg than you are on two! You have to make allowances for shock.

With you, I know all about shock.

You gave me half a dozen driving home! I was holding your knee for luck.

-- Your luck ran out, didn't it? -- Aye, it did.

I never thought you'd hit a cr*pple.

Especially at a busy junction.

Put your arm round me neck.

Ooh! -- What are you doing? -- I'll think of something.

-- Is he having a fit? -- I'm game if she is.

Help me get him to his feet.

It's like fighting off a g*ng of pickpockets.

-- Give me your hand.

Oh.

-- There.

-- Oh.

-- All right? -- How is his leg? -- Oh, he'll be all right.

It's his hands that ought to be in plaster.

He can't wait to get inside and make sure I've not ruined his business while he's been away.

-- He thought about you.

-- Did he? While he was still drowsy from the anaesthetic.

Oh.

Go on.

-- Did he? -- "Ring our Granville," he said.

"And see if he's sold them other 12 toilet rolls.

" I'll get closed up and give Nurse Gladys Emmanuel a ring.

I'm a bona fide patient now.

I wonder what a State Registered Nurse would do for 12 Inspirational toilet rolls? I hope our Granville's not going to be out too late, up to his Hungarian tricks.

Oh, Lord, if you're listening, keep him away from expensive women.

Especially that lot down where he keeps losing his bicycle clips.

And PS, Lord Remind our Granville in future to keep his trap shut.