03x05 - The Man from Down Under

[bunniefuu]

-- What are you putting?



-- "Lowest food prices in the whole street.

"

-- They'll soon see through that!

-- How do you mean?

Naturally they're the lowest prices in the street 'cause it's the only shop in the street! But they're the highest in the area! Keep your voice down, can't you?

Your slogans are losing their bite.

It's all the fault of N

--Nurse Gladys Emanuel.

I can't even r

--remember what a bite is like! It's very hard work being an engaged person

-- and running a business at the same time.



-- Oh, yeah?

Your mind tends to wander to other things.

What am I doing?

G

--Granville, fetch your cloth! Morning, Granville! Are you still engaged?

Yes, I'm still engaged.

If it ever falls through, you'll know where to find me.

In the Northern Eye Hospital! Granvilleyou're a sweetheart! I don't want you crazy about me out of sympathy, just 'cause I'm blind!

-- 'Ere, where are you going?



-- A query about the nurse's bread order! Careful! Look, supposing somebody sees you?

Good heavens! If two engaged p

--persons can't s

--sort out their own bread order, what's the c

--country coming to?

On second thoughts, I'll be a bit more welcome b

--bearing g

--gifts.

A plastic rose again?

It's worth its weight in g

--grope, is this

-- er, gold, is this.

I present her with it, which p

--puts her in a good mood.

I t

--take advantage of that good mood, which puts her in a bad mood! She throws it at me, I catch it, and I'm r

--ready for the next time.

And n

--not a penny spent! You never know.

Things might be different this morning! Are you in there, my s

--sleeping beauty?

Prince Ch

--Ch

--Charming out here.

Don't be lying in your lonely bed, my love.

There's a couple of hundredweight of pure delight out here.

What are you doing there, you silly fool?

What am I doing?

What are YOU doing next door?

I'm not next door! It's you, you fool! You're next door! Ooh! I was just climbing up here to rescue a little wounded budgie.

Don't panic, now! I can feel his little heart fluttering.

You look as if you might have a nice warm place for a little homeless creature.

You just take your little budgie home! Ooh! Ah! Ah! Ooh! Ooh! Ah! Oh! The p

--p

--p

--poor little thing! I can feel his little heart f

--f

--f

--flutter! I w

--wish you'd shut up, Granville.



-- I've had some very disturbing news here.



-- Yes?

"Errand boys get a £10 increase.

" Where does it say that?

I wish you'd p

--pack it in! It's been one shock after another, this morning.

No, I d

--daren't look.

Go and have a look, will you?



-- Have a look?

What for?



-- See if there's a b

--big flash car parked outside Nurse Gladys Emanuel's house.



-- Big flash car?

Why would there be a

-- Don't argue! Just go and look, will you?

I'm going.

I'm going.

I'm going.

No, no big flash car parked outside Nurse Gladys Emanuel's.

N

--Never mind, there will be soon.

He'll c

--come.



-- Who?

Who's coming?



-- Chalky White.

Well, Chalky White that was, before he went to Australia.

I should think b

--by now he's known as D

--Dirty Brown! He'll need a big car if he's coming from Australia! There he is in the paper.

See that?

He's back on a visit.

Just revisiting old ac

--acquaintances, it says.

He'll be flashing his money about, no doubt.

I hope he doesn't expect a tour round Nurse Gladys Emanuel as part of his itinerary! "Former local man, Mr Arthur White, "now a resident of Drongo Springs, Australia.

" Huh! Drongo Springs! I bet they don't wear pinnies in Drongo Springs, Australia.

A pom in a pinny! I'd go down really big in Drongo Springs! They can't be t

--too particular if they took on Chalky White.



-- He was absolutely d

--dim at school.



-- How come he went to Australia?

It doesn't surprise me, knowing his knowledge of geography.

He was probably looking for S

--Stoke Newington! Then how come you're so worried?

Worried?

Who s

--says I'm worried?

You've just undone a brand

--new clothes line! Oh, God, Granville.

That's gonna be a hell of a job to put all that back together.

For years I haven't even looked at a clothes line.

You lead a blameless life, then suddenly they find you undoing strange clothes lines.

Don't lean about.

Take a hold of this.



-- "Granville, you are now an accessory.

"

-- Shut up and hold still.

"Not only are you an errand boy, you are now an assistant to a clothes line fumbler.

" 'Ere, mind that, it's my fingers there.

Why are you wrapping it round me fingers?

'Cause I can't reach your neck, that's why!

-- Just don't let it go, please.



-- I can't let it go! Hold it still and tight! It's no good having it slack.

There is no demand for s

--sloppy clothes lines.

Keep it tight! Keep it tight! Pardon?

Not you, Gordon.

You can let it loose like you have done for years.



-- Why do I come here to be insulted?



-- Because it's convenient.

Look how far you'd have to go to be insulted if we weren't here.

Right up the Co

--op! What are you doing with that clothes line?



-- We are changing it to metric.



-- Metric?

Aye.

It's illegal to have a clothes line in feet and inches nowadays.

Is it?

Oh, I think ours is! Is it?

Well, you'd better change it at once, Gordon.

Yes.

They've got the detector vans round, you know!

-- Tell you what.

Let go! Let go!

-- I can't let go! There.

Why don't you have that one?

Save us wrapping it up again, Gordon, eh?

I'm not taking that one.

I want a new one, fully wound.

Very shrewd, is Gordon.

I knew we'd have t

--trouble with Gordon.

Arkwright, you'd sell a beggar anything! Will you go and get Mr Stackpool a brand

--new wrapped up clothes line, Granville?

£1.

45, please, Gordon.

And make sure it's metric! Thank you! Granville, wrap that one up in the manner to which it is accustomed.

£1.

45 to take.

There we are.

Ouf! I'll get you, playtime!

-- 'Ey up!

-- Don't bother me now, Gordon.

I'm up to here with anxieties appropriate to the engaged person.

If all we do is stretch this from post to post, what difference if it's inches or metric?

Very good question.

I would not like you to leave this shop unsatisfied.

Understand?

All right.

In that case, I'll have me money back.

M

--m

--m

--m

--m M

--m

--m

--m

--m

--m

--m b

--b

--b

-- Money back?

! Hey, Gordon, stay right there.

Hold the line.

Where are you going with them legs this time of day?



-- None of your business.



-- Course it's my business! I'm engaged to them legs!

-- What's the matter?

You're on edge.



-- I am.

I've got a man in that shop who's lost all sense of civilised behaviour.



-- My God! What's he doing?



-- Asking for his money back! Poor devil!

-- It's about time I had a bit of sympathy.



-- Not you, him! Does he know what he's in for?

Not yet B

--But he will! What are you looking at me like that for?

Are you sure this journey is for m

--medicinal purposes only?



-- Where else would I go dressed like this?



-- You might be combining business with Oh, dear! I daren't even think what you might be combining business with! I don't know what you're going on about.

I get this impression you've been doing yourself up a bit.

Cheeky devil! You make me sound like a condemned shed! Well, just you remember you're m

--my condemned shed! My! She's in a b

--bad mood for an angel of mercy! Glad she's not bandaging anything of mine! I don't believe he's been in touch yet, but he will be!

-- Who?



-- Oh, Chalky White.



-- Chalky White?



-- He went to Australia.



-- I went to school with him.



-- He's always fancied Nurse Gladys Emanuel.



-- He reckoned she looked like Jane Russell.



-- Jane Russell?

!

-- From the side.



-- Oh, from the side.

Great man for the ladies was Chalky! Will you sh

--shut up, Gordon?

Coming here d

--depressing people.

Granville, you've made a very nice job of that!

-- He's done that well.



-- You what?

That's not Granville's.

It's the one I'm returning.

Well, return it, then! Why don't you just g

--go home and depress someone near and dear.

I think I'll have to buy this one meself! That's one sale we've made this morning! 'Ey up! What about my money back?

Granville, give the man his money back! Oh, it's no good.

I used to get m

--more pleasure than this out of c

--counting money.

I don't know what you're worried about.

It's you she's engaged to.

We've never really c

--cemented it, though.

I've done a bit of p

--pointing up once or twice.



-- You've no proof he's planning to see her.



-- He's always fancied her, Granville.



-- She's probably forgotten all about him!

-- He'll make sure she remembers him.

Coming round here, brown as a nut, doing tricks with his boomerang! Probably vice versa, and all! I never thought I'd live to see the day that you gave somebody his money back! Don't worry, when I get to heaven, I shall p

--plead insanity.

(SHOP BELL) I'll go.

There's a chip short here!

-- Come in, Mrs Blake.



-- No, Granville.

I'm not stopping.

I just popped in to enquire if everything's all right.



-- All right?



-- You hear such stories.



-- It's not true, is it?



-- Is what true?

Now, don't be offended.

I'm only repeating what I've heard.



-- I shan't be offended.



-- I never believed it personally, but there's a whisper going around He gave Gordon Stackpool his money back.

Oh! Aye, that's true.

Ohhhh! I am sorry to hear that!

-- Is there anything we can do?



-- No, I don't think so, thanks, Mrs Blake.

We just have to hope it's gonna pass.

Chin up, Granville! 'Ere, it's true! He gave Gordon Stackpool his money back! Never! Elsie?

It's true! He gave Gordon Stackpool his money back! He's given Gordon Stackpool his money back! It's true! He gave Gordon Stackpool his money back! Granville, have you got a pair of eyebrow tweezers?

I beg your pardon?

Do I look the type who has eyebrow tweezers about his person?



-- Don't get your p

--pinny in a knot!

-- I'm cultivating a macho look.

I refrain from shaving some days in order to achieve this aggressive

--looking stubble.

And then some clown comes up and says, "Can I borrow your eyebrow tweezers?

" Listen, I don't mean your own personal ones.

We sell them.

They're on that card.

And get me a bottle of iodine and all.

What do you want 'em for?

I just knelt on a box of tomatoes and I've got splinters in me knees.

I didn't think tomatoes had splinters.

I thought they had pips! Do you want a box round the ears?

I've got one out there, full of splinters! Ooh! Personally, I expect to find these rumours of his strange behaviour much exaggerated.



-- Like his prices!

-- It's Granville I feel sorry for.

Why do you feel sorry for Granville?

I don't know.

He's just got that sort of face.

How can you not feel sorry for Granville?

Every time I see him, I want to cuddle him.



-- You're not usually so positive.



-- It's just maternal.

I think it's just maternal!

-- How can you tell?



-- I don't think you can till it's too late!

-- Life's so complicated.



-- It is, unless you keep it in its place.



-- I thought I'd be used to it by now.



-- I'm not a religious woman, but if you say no to everything, you can hardly tell the difference.

Life is something we're given as a test.

I think I've failed.

I used to look up to Mr Arkwright.



-- He could handle it.



-- He can afford to, at his prices! I thought he was unshakeable.

Then you hear stories about him giving money back.

I don't believe it.

I'm confident we'll walk in and find him just as he's always been.

Oh, my God, he's gone completely! Come on! What's wrong with her?

We missed a couple of customers.

You should have had them.

Me?

They were only here a couple of seconds.

You were nearest.

We can't afford to let customers slip through our knees like that.



-- It's f

--frightening.



-- It's a rissole.

Eat it.

It's un

--un

--c

--canny.

Unfresh, maybe.

Unwholesome, certainly.

Uncanny, never.

Will you sh

--shut up about this rissole?

I'm talking about life! Life's not a rissole! All these years I've w

--worked in the shop, man and dogsbody, I've always had me mind on me work.

Even in me dad's day, back there in that old shop in Canal Street, I've always been s

--spurred on by the profit motive.

Either that or a clip round the ear or a kick up the back yard! If he were alive today, he'd t

--turn in his grave! Pardon?

And all because of a lousy Australian! Chalky is not Australian.

Eat your rissole! I can't think of f

--food at a t

--time like this! I'm p

--past caring.

Haven't you done any carrots?

You're past caring, but not past c

--carrots! What kind of a meal is this for a fighting man?

No wonder my morale is low.



-- A minute ago, you were past caring.



-- How do you know what I'm past?

Perhaps I'm p

--past it! What?

Past what?

It.

That's what I'm p

--past.

It.



-- What about "it"?



-- I'm past it.

That's what about "it"! Rubbish! If you're still hungry when you're finished that, I'll open a nice tin of peaches.

Are they Australian?



-- No, they're Californian.



-- That's all right, then.

There's something strange about Australians.

It's all that walking about in the street with short trousers on.

Too much air to the b

--brain!

-- You're just jealous.



-- Course I am! I've a right to be jealous.

Men don't like other men with their knees bare rat

--tat

--tatting on their fiancée's knockers! See if there's a big flash car outside Nurse Gladys Emanuel's! No.

I'm sure that all your fears are groundless! Never mind the psychiatry! Have a look.

Oh, 'eck! It was all right in y

--your day.

The most the enemy ever had were a pushbike! I regret to inform you that your groundless fears have regained a bit of ground! What?

There's a big flash car outside Nurse Gladys's! Oh, sh

--sh

--sherbet dabs! He's n

--not getting away with it! Where's he going to take her?

Oh, could be anywhere.

Big car like that.

The world's his oyster.

Paris, Monte Carlo Doncaster cattle market! F

--F

--Flamin' j

--j

--j

--jet

--s

--set

--s

--sjet

--setter! Very succinctly put!

-- No, he could go anywhere.



-- He's not going anywhere.



-- How do you know?



-- 'Cause you're going to let his tyres down!

-- Who?

Me?



-- Yes, you.

I'll help you.

Come on.



-- You're going round the bend.



-- I might be.

But he's staying where he is! I'll g

--give him M

--Monte Carlo! Ready?



-- It's quite illegal, you know!

-- Get over there.

I'll take the back.

(HISSING) (FRONT DOOR OPENS) (ENGINE REVS UP)

-- You've done it now!

-- If it's not his car, whose is it?

If he's f

--flashing round on a big motorbike, who owns this car?

How the hell do I know who owns it?

(BOTH) That's who owns it! He's coming over here! You deal with him.

Now's your chance to put the Grocers' Federation Plan B into action.



-- I never knew what Plan A was!

-- Plan A is talk things over calmly.



-- What's Plan B?



-- Make a run for it! Oi! Some swine's let all my tyres down!

-- Ah.



-- You must have some hooligans round here.

Ah.

I wanna use your phone.

Ah.



-- "Ah!" You do speak English, do you?



-- Ah.

Ah.

Ah! Ah! Ah

--so! Ah

--so me

--tong u

--tong ning.

Me

--ho.

Me

--homa.

Ah

--so.

Ah

--so.

Oh, no.

Phone! Phone! Phone! Oh! Ah

--so! Ah! Foam.

Foam.

Foam! Foam?



-- Thanks for nothing!

-- You're welcome! Thanks, love! What have you got on, Arkwright?

What have you been up to?

It's n

--not what I've b

--been up to and got on! It's what you've b

--been up to and taken off that I'm concerned with! Wh

--Where have you been?

If you must know, I've been on an emergency mission to the mother of an old friend.

I s

--saw your old friend! I also saw qu

--quite a lot of your leg at the same time.

Why the motorbike?

What's the matter with his car?



-- Whose car?



-- Chalky White, him with the space helmet.

That wasn't Chalky White! That was Muriel Hawkins' husband.

Muriel's mother's poorly, you jealous great idiot!

-- You haven't seen Chalky?

Promise?



-- I've seen him.

He called three days ago and I sent him packing.

I've never liked him.

Oh, God bless you, Gladys Emanuel! Now, isn't it time silly old fools were in bed?

I thought you'd never ask! You, out of it! Night

--night! Goodnight, sweetheart! See you in the morning! # Goodnight, sweetheart, see you in the morning # Goodnight, sweetheart, I'll g

--grab you without warning # Da

--da da

--da da

--da

--da

--da # Them women all think I've gone daft.

Mrs Featherstone certainly thinks I'm daft.

That big insurance man with the flash car, he thinks Granville's daft.

Mind you, he is daft.

Yes, the world is mad tonight, but Gladys still belongs to me .

.

if you can call sleeping in different beds "belonging".

Meanwhile, there's money to be made, Arkwright.

They'll all be trooping into the shop tomorrow to see if I am mad.

Dad, if you're listening up there, I am once more in control.

Ready to hold high the bloodstained banner and pursue the creed of small businessmen everywhere.

"Fleece 'em for every penny they've got!"