01x06 - Accident

[bunniefuu]

# Happy birthday to me! # Happy birthday to me! # Happy birthday, dear Richie # Happy birthday to me! # Happy birthday to ME! Happy birthday, dear Richie, Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday, Richie.

Thank you.

Rather a bumper crop of cards this year! Popular guy, you see! How many cards did you get?

How thoughtless of me! You didn't get any, did you?

Because YOU glued up the letter box.

That's just sour grapes.

There was no proof that it was me.

You couldn't get your hands out of your pockets all day.

Mind you, what's new?

"May all your birthdays be happy ones.

"We like you more than Eddie.

" Aw! That's nice, isn't it?

Terry Hardacre! He's written a little joke.

"Congratulations, it's your birthday, "it's time for lots of fun, "so roll this card up nice and tight and stick it up your bum!" He is a madman! Unstoppable! That's the same card he sent last year, isn't it?

That's the same one he's sent for the last five years, actually.

Same joke as well.

Ooh, I wonder who this one can be from?



- It's the one from Sue Carpenter.



- You must be psychic! It is! It's from Sue Carpenter.

Good old Sue! Mmm! I really must phone her up more often! No, Richie.

They took out that injunction, remember?

Oh! Here's one from all the lads on the Ark Royal.

Bless 'em! They never forget an old serviceman! I take it you mean the time you got caught on board pretending to be the captain just to impress Ethel Cardew?

It worked.

No, it didn't.

She got off with the arresting officer.

Yeah, well, it worked for him! Stop trying to spoil my birthday! Look, "Best wishes from the lads on the Ark Royal.

" But it's in your handwriting! You've sent it to yourself for seven years! This one's from Rod Steiger.

This one's from Abba with "Happy Christmas 1973" written in it, and this one's from "the people of the Soviet Union "in grateful thanks to Comrade Richie"! It's in Russian! You just put the Rs the wrong way round.

That's what Russian is.

God! Every year we have to go through this ridiculous charade! God, you're really weird! This is all because I accidentally ruined your birthday last year! It wasn't my fault I got so ill I had to order you to cancel your birthday party! You weren't ill.

You ate a tin of curry powder and painted your face green.

I knew it was a hoax.

The paint washed off when that enema backfired.

OK, OK, OK.

Let's sort this out.

We're good friends, Eddie, we've known each other for a long time.

We can talk, and there is something I've been meaning to say for 25 years.

Oh, what's that?

I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! Crawl away and die in a ditch somewhere, you bastard!

- It was just a joke!

- No, it wasn't! Was it?

Of course it was! I know these cards are genuine.

The guys from the Ark Royal General Pinochet I mean, how could you fake something like that?

Ha, ha, ha! I was joking! I'm sorry.

Are you?



- Yes.



- Well, write it down, then.



- What?



- Go on! There's a pen.

Write down "I'm sorry.

" Write down "I'm sorry I'm a twat.

" Write down "I'm sorry I'm a twat" ten times.

I shall wait for you by the television until you're ready.

"I'm sorry I'm a twat "ten times.

" Here you go.

You're forgiven and you may come to my birthday party tonight.

Your what?

I was going out tonight!

- What?



- I was going out with my real friends.

Well, they can come, too, so long as they bring a bottle and don't steal all my birds.

Who's going to this party?

I don't know.

20 or 30 of my close chums.

Who's confirmed?

Oh, Eddie, you're so old

-fashioned! Nobody confirms invites these days! They turn up when they feel like it.

It's a very informal arrangement.

I very much approve.

It's a breath of fresh air if you ask me.

So no one's confirmed.

That's right.

No one.

It's great! Oh! By the way, Eddie! Er

-huh

-huh! What are you doing now?

! # Happy birthday to me! # Oh, I see! Happy Birthday, Richie.

You shouldn't have! I don't like anyone to make a fuss on my birthday! A bit small, isn't it?

Is this how much you value our relationship?

Oh, well, what the hell, I may as well be nice about it.

Ooh, I wonder what it is?

Ooh, it's a comb! It's MY comb! It's my comb that I lost last week.

And now I'm giving it back to you! Happy birthday! Look, this isn't some sort of joke, you know.

This is my birthday! Now, take this wrapping paper and get me something good or else! All right.

All right.

Happy birthday! Ooh! That's more like it! That's bigger, isn't it?

I wonder what it is?

It's the remote control from the television set! What do you want to watch, Birthday Boy?

Right, Eddie, this time you've really overstepped the mark! It's a fight! Hang on, hang on, hang on! I've got your real present here.

It's a piece of paper! It is a small piece of paper! Read it! "Madame Swish, 3.

30.

" Oh, Eddie, you haven't! Oh, what a pal you are! Madame Swish! Ooh

-er! God, at last I'm really gonna do it! And on my birthday as well! Ooh! I wonder what she's like?

She's a dead cert, mate.

A real stayer! Really?



- Yeah, she'll come first.



- What, before me?

Good grief, that's quick! So she'll think I'm great! Oh, what a pal you are! And it's all paid for?

Not exactly.

I need a tenner.

A tenner's quite cheap, isn't it?

Well, no, in that case, it's a tenner each way.

Well, how many ways are there?

Well, you'll come first, second or third, won't you?

Well, how many people are gonna be there?

Well, a few thousand.



- What?

!

- Well, it's Kempton! I can't get down to Kempton by 3.

30! You don't have to, mate.

It'll be on the telly! They're going to televise it?

! What if my auntie's watching?

What's illegal about betting on a horse?

A horse?

Madame Swish is is a horse?

Yeah! Why, what did you think it was?

Oh, no, nothing, nothing.

I was just checking.

I have given you a red

-hot tip.

I know, and there's nothing I can do about it now, is there?

That horse That horse is an absolute cert!

- It's a fantastic birthday present!

- All right.

I'm sorry.

I was just being silly.

Well, how much should I put on it?

Give us 20 quid and I'll see what I can do.

OK, there you are, old mate.

Thanks, mate! Happy birthday! # Happy birthday to me! # Dah

-dah

-dah! Happy birthday # Happy birthday to you # # Happy birthday to # Careful, Eddie!

- Did we win?



- No, we lost.



- Damn!

- Only joking!

- You mean we won?



- Yep, indeedy

-do! Fantastic! I knew I was great! What were the odds?



- Ten to one.



- Ten to one!

- Is that good?



- Well, you gave me ten, didn't you, so, you get one.

Ten to one! Brilliant! What a fantastic birthday present! Hang on, hang on! I gave you TWO tenners!

- Caught me out, eh?



- You don't get much past old Richie! Yeah, you're right there.

Here's your other quid.

I knew today was my lucky day! Toss it over! Oh, God, oh! sh*t! What's that doing there?

Eddie! Eddie! Ow! Ow! Eddie, my leg's pointing the wrong way!

- Well, point it the right way!

- Ow! Ow! I can't! Hang on, I'll give you a hand.

Agh! Argh! Arrgh! Agh! No! Hang on, I'll try it from a different angle.

Arrgh!

- Oh, God! Oh, God!

- It's no good.

It won't budge.

Oh! Get the ambulance! We haven't got an ambulance! Anyway, we don't need one because I've just had a fantastic idea! Oh, God! Oh, God! I'll never walk again! I'll never play tennis! You'll have to carry me to the toilet! You'll see my knob! Right, just relax, because you might feel a moment's discomfort! OK.

Ow! Ow! Forwards, forwards, Eddie.

Stop! Stop! I'm stuck! I'm stuck! Just leave it here.

That's fine, Eddie.

No! That's fine.

That's fine.

Thank God we're home! I couldn't believe that nurse! All I said was, "Have you seen the Singing Detective?

" And she twatted me with a kidney dish! What time is it?

It's exactly 30 seconds to seven o'clock.

Damn! I've got no time to put on my girl bait underpants.

Right.

Give us a countdown to the final few seconds, old mate.

Okey

-dokey.

Five four three two one! Ha

-a

-a! Right, it's a disaster, isn't it?

I haven't any friends so I'm going to k*ll myself.

Get the razor blades.

Right you are, old mate, safety or non

-safety?

Oh, hurrah! They're here at last! Playing the old "I'm late" gag to the hilt! What great mates I've got! Wait, I'm coming! Had an accident.

I'm not very quick.

Don't go! Don't go away! Here I am! Welcome one and welcome all!

- Who on earth are you?



- Sorry, we've come to the wrong house.

We're looking for Chopper h*tler.

Chopper?

Is there something I don't know, Eddie?



- Hello, boys, come on in.



- What?

Don't mind him.

He's just waiting for his mates to turn up.

Right, here we go, then.

Here's the punch.

Get stuck in! Thanks, Eddie.

Here, my wife's gone to the West Indies.



- I didn't know that.



- She went on Tuesday.

It was funnier in the pub.

Are you not having a drink?

We haven't got time, not if we're going to this party.



- No, I'm afraid this IS the party.



- Oh.

Could you put that down, please?



- Just put that down!

- What's wrong with it?

Never mind.

Can I have your names?

Richie, these are my friends that you said I could invite

- Spudgun and Dave Hedgehog.

Oh, well, this is rather difficult for me because you see, you've only really been half

-invited.

You're not on the A

-list, but, as it is my birthday, yes, I will let you stay, but I'm afraid I can't let you stay properly so I'll have to ask you to stand in that corner, please.

Quicker! Right, that's fine.

Now, stay there.

If you want to go to the toilet, put your hand up.

I'm going to see if anyone's come yet.

There's a new Give Way sign at the junction.



- Yeah.



- Hmm.

Excuse me! Can you keep it down a bit, please?

! Good grief! They've painted the road markings to match.



- Did you see that?



- Yeah.

For Christ's sake! Can't you keep a lid on it for a moment?

! I can't hear if anyone's knocking on the door! There could be thousands queuing by now! Oh, Christ! I'll have to check! No moving into the middle of the room while I'm away! Is he gonna be a long time?

I'd do it in your glass, mate.

Hello?

Is anyone coming?

# Happy birthday to me! # Happy birthday to me! # Happy birthday, dear me

-e

-e # Happy birthday to me! # You can't come in! It distinctly said on the invite "No jeans"! Where's your bottle?

You can't come in either, then! And you 20 birds, I told you no bikinis! Bugger off! None of you can come in! That's right, all 2,000 of you, bugger off! I'd rather play with Eddie and his great mates! Yes?

I don't care if you ARE Valerie Singleton in the nude, bugger off! You should see a doctor, mate.

Guys! I have fixed it! Come on out of the corner! I've fixed it so you don't have to stay there any more! I don't know if you heard me or not, but I told everyone else to go away! Yeah, I did.

I thought, "Let's just have a nice little private party, "me, Eddie and his two great mates!" We're the hard core, aren't we?

Come on! Drinks all round! So Er, mate Tell me about this road sign.

Sounds great.



- Is it all right to talk, Eddie?



- Yeah.

Well, they put up this new road sign which says "Give Way", but the old one said "Give Way" as well, so there's no difference, they're just the same, so what I was saying was, why did they put up the new one?

Everything would have just been the same.

Ha, ha, ha! Fantastic! That's incredible! We're really the guys, aren't we?

Let's get completely drunk and play Postman's Knock! Where's that sherry?

It's a bit warm, isn't it?



- So what's Postman's Knock, then?



- Oh, right.

Well, mate

- What's your name again?



- Spudgun.

Spudgun.

Why do they call you Spudgun?

Give me a potato and I'll show you why.

No, Richie, you don't want to see that! Why are you called Hedgehog?

Give me a hedgehog and I'll show you why.

Let's move on.

What are the rules to this fantastic Postman's Knock?

Right.

It's great! All the birds sit round in a vast circle, right?

Then I go out into the hall and the birds come and snog me.

We'll give that a miss.



- What about Sardines?



- What about 'em?



- They're a kind of fish, aren't they?



- Ha, ha, ha! That's right, they are! We're incredible, aren't we?

What a great time we're having! Let's be sensible and sort out the rules.

Right, Sardines is a game, right?

One of us goes and hides and the others have to look for him, but when they find him, they hide with him and they snog with him if they want to If they're a bird, right?

Which we're not so we won't.

I don't know

- maybe give it a try?

No, we won't give it a try! OK, so who wants to go and hide?

Me! Ha! Fooled you! Right, close your eyes and off we go! Close your eyes.

Stop peeking, will you! I know we're mates, but you've got to do things properly, all right?

OK, here goes.

Damn! That's no good! Eddie! Eddie! You've got to take me upstairs and hide me in the cupboard!

- What?



- Take me upstairs and hide me in the cupboard! I can't get upstairs by myself.

I can't get you up the stairs on my own! Ask your great mates to help me.

OK.

Right, we've got to take him upstairs and hide him in the cupboard.

Don't tell them! Just tell them to keep their eyes closed.

We're going somewhere secret.

You've got to keep your eyes closed, because it's a secret that we're gonna hide him in the cupboard.

OK, right.

Let's go! Keep your eyes closed.

Careful! Careful! Left here.

Steady, guys.

Keep your eyes closed.

Keep your eyes closed! Come on.

Up we go.

Come on, push! This is supposed to be fun! Careful! Keep your eyes closed.

Put me down.

This is gonna be great.

Wheel me backwards.

Backwards, backwards.

Isn't it nice here in the cellar?

Right, keep your eyes closed, run downstairs and count to ten before you start, OK?

OW! Right! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten! Well, that's us safe for a couple of hours.

What do you fancy, lads?

Let's have a drink and watch the telly.



- Good idea.



- Okey

-dokey.

Oh, great, look! It's "w*r and Peace"! And it's only just started! What a crap film! I knew it was going to end like that.



- How do you know that?



- I've seen it 17 times.

Four hours 20 minutes! Fabulous! That must be a new Sardines record! Wait till Norris McWhirter hears about this! And now on Open University, medieval population distribution patterns in lower Saxony.

What did medieval people do before telly?

They had their tea, didn't they?

No, before telly was invented.

Oh, they had cockfights.

No wonder they all got the plague.

That's Bernard Manning, isn't it?

No, that's Julia Somerville.

Oh, yeah, you're right.



- I've done it with her.



- Julia Somerville?



- Yeah.



- Done what?

Watched the news.

Right, that's five hours up.

Got to be in the Guinness Book of Records by now! Where is everybody?

I know I'm great at Sardines but this is ridiculous! Is that it, then?

Is that the telly done for the night?

I've got me "Emmerdale Farm" compilation on video if you fancy it.

Not half! All right, I'll get the drinks in.

That's him! That's the one! Bastard! I hate him! Who?

No, that one there.

The extra.

He never says anything.

He just drinks all day! Look at him!

- He's gonna buy another drink!

- Is that his own money?

No, no, they fill his pockets full of change, push him into the Woolpack and shout, "Go on, mate, drink as much as you like!" And then at closing time they give him a wage packet.

Lucky bastard! # I'm in the cupboard! # I'm in the cupboard! Oh, bugger! Sounds like he's rumbled our game.

Hello! What a bastard! Well, don't you worry.

He can't get down the steps without us.

Yodel

-ay

-yoo

-hoo! ARRGH! Agh! Oh, God! Oh! Ugh! Eddie! My other leg! Hey, Spudgun, come and have a look at this! No! No! So, he fell off the ladder and broke his leg! Then he had an accident on the stairs and broke his other leg! So I thought, "We've got all this spare booze, "why not have everyone round for a bit of a drink and a dance?

"

- Do your impression again.



- All right.

Pass us that mop, mate.

Obviously it would be better with a lot of sweat, you know.

OK Oh! Oh! Why won't anybody ever have it off with me?

Maybe it's because I'm a big, fat, ugly bastard with a microscopic penis! Hello, Richie.

What's going on?

Who are all these people?

These are all your friends, Richie.

They turned up! I don't know people like this! All right, they're MY friends, but it's still your party no matter whose friends they are! Hey, the birthday boy's here! Hurray! There you are, see?

Look how popular you are! Yeah! Yeah! This is my birthday party, isn't it?

It's a bloody brilliant one as well! There must be a good 12 people here! Let's get organised! Right, everybody, shut up! Shut up! I'm here at last! Hello! Right, I want all the boys on this side with my birthday present, and all the cracking birds on this side ready to give me my big birthday kiss.

Look lively! You're supposed to be enjoying yourselves! We were.

Have you brought me a birthday present?



- No.



- Ooh! You get a forfeit, then!

- What do you mean?



- This! Don't mess with the party animal! Hi, bird! Get out! It's not your birthday! Wanna come for a ride with me?

I know it looks like it but that's not my leg in there! No, no! You can't bash the birthday boy! Not on his birthday! See that?

Right, everybody, I've decided what I'd like to do on my birthday is play birthday charades, so all you birds get your blouses off!

- You're first, mate!

- Who do you think you are?

Get off! I think we should call the ambulance now.



- It's my birthday!

- What are you doing with my bird, git?

I was just gonna grab her

- Who are you?



- Who are you?



- Don't you know who I am?



- No.

You're an arsehole, aren't ya?

I'll tell you who I am, mate.

My name is Richard Richard! I'm the birthday boy, and don't you ever forget it!

- You're the birthday boy, are you?

- Yes.

- We should give you the bumps.

- Yes, you jolly well should!

- Shall we give him the bumps?

- YEAH! No!

- How old are you?

- Two! No, one! Happy birthday, Richie.

Break a leg!