Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
All right, come on.
On your feet, pygmy brain.
- Almost blew it, Grandma.
- Didn't expect him to knock me down.
- I'm starting to show my age.
- Settle down, mutant.
Stealing purses from old ladies is gonna get you the chair.
Get in, Doreau.
- What are you doing?
- I just sprayed my car with disinfectant.
I don't want this slimeball smelling it up.
- I can't watch this.
- Then turn your head.
Hey! Hey! Hey! as*ault? Battery? Mayhem? Brutality? The criminaI element is out of controI, sir.
These charges are against you.
You! Nobody else.
Couldn't you just You were two blocks away from the station house.
Did you have to drag the man all over the freeway system? I wanted to give him time to reflect.
Captain, I have to apologise.
- I tried to stop Sledge, but
- Don't try to shift the blame, Doreau.
The Commissioner has asked me to take your badges.
- Six months' suspension, both of you.
- Don't drag her into this.
It wasn't her fault.
Besides, she's just a girI.
- Six months?
- How about twelve months? Why don't you make me a guard on death row? Get out.
No money for six months.
I'm already behind in my car payments.
My g*n is gonna rust.
You know, all I did last night was fall asleep in front of the TV.
- It was pathetic.
- Yeah? What were you watching? I remember somebody saying, "Hi, Rick.
" Then the next thing I heard was, "Play it again, Sam.
" Something like that.
We parked the car in a police zone.
I'd better move it.
You think because we're on suspension, Trunk would give you a ticket? Move the car.
- I thought you had some smarts.
- Where'd you come from? The little lady that just ankled out of here with the great gams, is she yours?
- Gams?
- Yeah, gams, you know.
Pins.
Legs.
Smooth, long and classy
-looking.
She's like a breath of fresh air in this stagnant world.
I know who you are.
The weatherman on TV.
There's a lot of gin joints in this crazy world, but there's only one reason I picked this hole.
- Happy hour?
- Cut out the comedy.
I'm here because you need advice.
Today, I think they call it career counselling.
You're right.
I haven't fired my g*n in a couple of hours.
I do need some help.
Hey, bartender!
- Bring my friend a drink, huh?
- Do what? I said bring my friend a drink, OK? Yeah, sure.
I'll bring it now.
Hey, Doreau, come on over here.
Meet the locaI weatherman.
- I don't see anyone.
- That's Doreau.
I'm afraid she's a cop with a skirt.
What next? Lady wrestlers? Sledge? Who are you talking to? The dame's right.
It's the rules.
Only you can see me.
Look here.
Do you see a guy in a trench coat standing over there? Only a girI.
It's a guy.
Sure, it's a guy.
I see him.
Anything you say.
Doreau, you're really stressed out.
I think you should sleep through suspension.
What do you mean, I'm stressed? You were talking to an empty bar stooI.
We're both uptight.
Let's get out of here.
Don't worry, we'll have you sh**ting again before you can cock your trigger.
All right, Hammer.
Put away the heater.
They don't work on me any more.
Pain is just a memory.
Get it? If I could've pulled this off back in the old days, I would have had Cagney right where I wanted.
Are you reaI, or am I hallucinating? You know, in the old days, when a cop got laid off, the first thing he did was go into business for himself.
- What are you talking about?
- Being a private eye.
You know? Richard Diamond, Sam Spade.
Philip Marlowe.
We all did it.
And you got all the qualifications.
- Want to go into business?
- You may be overqualified.
- Any calls?
- Three.
Two wrong numbers and an offer to cater a Bar Mitzvah.
I told them no, no and maybe.
New hairdo? Yes.
This is what happens when I can't afford my regular hairdresser.
Just remember, if you don't look good, we don't look good.
Nice outfit.
Now, that's the first time you've looked like a reaI girI.
If I don't get my hair fixed, I'll need a guide dog.
Not bad.
Looks like you're all set up.
That's a good
-looking dame you got out there.
Why don't you buy her some cheap perfume, take her out for spaghetti? I'm broke, remember? Yeah, well What you need now is a dame in danger.
So far, all I got out of this is pocket lint.
That's about to change.
- There's a client here.
- There is?
- Yeah, says she's Mrs Emily Carstairs.
- Send her in.
Who is she? What a woman! If ever there was a dame in danger, she's it.
She ain't Lauren Bacall, but she's close.
Mr Hammer? Mr Sledge Hammer? The same.
Can I take your coat? Sorry, but I'm naked underneath.
Then I insist on taking your coat.
You're cute.
But I just came from posing for the life drawing class at the university.
Just doing my part for higher education.
Makes me want to go back to schooI.
- Get to it.
- I can't do that.
I just met her.
No, I mean find out what the caper is.
Right, right.
- Are you talking to someone?
- No, I was mumbling.
So, what makes you think you need a private eye, Mrs Carstairs? My husband's body was found on the beach.
He'd been Iying there for a week.
So I guess he was dead, right? I kicked actors out of my movies for saying stupid things like that.
- Ask her how her husband was k*lled.
- He'd been strangled with seaweed.
- I was just going to ask you that.
- Sounds fishy to me.
If he was Iying on a beach for a week Yeah, how come nobody said anything?
- About what?
- Oh, come on, Mrs Carstairs.
How could your husband be Iying dead on a beach for a week, and yet not one person reported it? Well, he had such a great tan that nobody noticed him.
Aha.
I'm sorry.
This is very difficult for me.
You see, ever since my husband d*ed, a man has been calling me, demanding money.
He says that if I don't pay him $100,000, he'll k*ll me.
I need your help, Mr Hammer.
Ask her who the bum is.
Any idea who the bum is? No.
He said my husband had welched on some business arrangement, and that he'd be round tonight at nine, to collect.
- Did you call the police?
- They said they couldn't do anything.
Figures.
Oh, Mr Hammer, I need protection now.
Will a thousand a day be all right? Gee, that sounds kinda steep.
I don't have that kind of money.
She's offering to pay you the thousand, bonehead.
Yeah, all right.
Right.
Right Well, it's either you or the Bar Mitzvah.
A grand is copacetic.
- So you'll take the case?
- Consider it solved.
Oh, I feeI better already.
I need protection.
I'm in constant danger.
Not with me around.
Sledge, you hit the ERA sign across the street.
Good.
Then I didn't waste any b*ll*ts.
We gotta get over to your place.
- I'm going with you.
- GirI Fridays stay in the office.
Yeah.
You stay here, Doreau.
I can take care of this.
Fix your hair.
I don't want you bumping into things.
I knew this dress was too tight.
That doll would melt anyone's badge.
OK, get out to the Carstairs' place fast.
We got to go to your place now.
You really are worth a thousand dollars a day, aren't you? Plus expenses.
Don't forget, you owe me for the broken window.
I get the feeling the only thing you've ever done for a living is inherit.
Take it easy.
She's only a flake off the upper crust.
- Quite a place you got here.
- This is my guesthouse.
- My main house is being repaired.
- What happened? A jet crashed into it while you were landing on your private runway? How did you know?
- May I get you a drink?
- I never drink when I'm on duty.
But then I'm on suspension.
Help yourself.
The bar's over there.
I'm just going to slip into something more cliched.
Fancy joint here.
I bet she even wallpapers the inside of the refrigerator.
Yeah.
Last time I was in a place this big, the Yankees lost to the Red Sox.
How do people afford places like this? She picked it up cheap from Jim and Tammy Bakker.
Somebody's coming.
Clothes are much tighter in the '80s.
I like it.
Excuse me, senor.
Does Mrs Carstairs know you are here?
- That's all right, Rosa.
He came with me.
- Yes, ma'am.
Mr Hammer, you didn't get yourself a drink.
Allow me.
Vodka on the rocks.
A half twist.
Shaken, not stirred.
Am I right? No, that's that limey jerk.
I'm a beer drinking operative.
- Root beer.
- Over here, Hammer.
You aren't looking cooI enough.
Why are you strolling around? Eat some fruit
- good image.
Here we are.
- Uh
- Mmm.
Mr Hammer, why are you eating a wax apple?
- Why am I eating a wax apple?
- You're on your own with that one, paI.
You know, I can't thank you enough for taking this case.
- What's wrong with your fish?
- Oh, well, Henry had them gold
-plated.
It was a nice idea, but they sank.
He may have been in Who's Who, but he didn't know what's what.
- And now he's dead dead.
- What do I do? Wait for him to show up? You got a lot to learn, paI.
Now is when I made out with my client.
It's part of the job, geddit?
- What did you do with male clients?
- I never took those cases.
I'm so glad you took this case.
I feeI safer already.
Move in.
She's coming on to you like gangbusters! Hammer? You know I haven't had a man in weeks.
I have needs, too.
- Sledge
- Not while I'm on duty.
Ah! Aaaah! Oh, my stomach! Yeoow!
- It's k*lling me.
I got to lie down.
- Over here.
Over here.
You'll be fine.
Great! She has needs and you got a stomachache.
I used to down three pints of the hard stuff every day, when I was a pilot.
Ooh, why do I feeI like this? Maybe a wax apple isn't on your diet.
Hammer! Hammer, get up! The creep's here.
Get a hold of yourself.
You've had more than enough time.
Oh, shut up! Shut up! You owe me that money, and I want it now! Shut up, shut up! Help!
- Dead.
- I had to do it.
He was going to k*ll me.
- Did you know this man?
- That's my attorney.
- Where'd you get the g*n?
- It's my husband's.
If you had a g*n, why did you hire me? I didn't know if I could k*ll anyone.
Now you know.
Hold it, Hammer.
Make sure she knows you don't give refunds.
Case closed, and not one sh*t fired.
Sorry, old friend.
Hammer, what are you doing here? Mrs Carstairs paid me to be here.
I'm a PI now.
- Are you telling me you solved the case?
- You got it.
The stiff is her husband's attorney.
He att*cked her and she sh*t him in self
-defence.
Simple.
You saw what happened? From that couch, right over there.
Best seat in the house.
- I'm very proud of you, Sledge.
- I'm proud of me, too.
I usually am.
Sledge?
- Did all right, didn't I?
- You're a sap.
A sap? What are you talking about? Look, you g*n
-happy freak, don't you think it's strange that you pass out just when Mrs Carstairs sh**t the one man who's a suspect?
- Happens every week on Moonlighting.
- Cut out the baloney.
Get back to the Carstairs' house and slap her around.
- That sounds good to me.
- Find out what really happened.
What about her? We'll be back before she can comb her hair.
Oh, Mr Hammer, what are you doing here?
- Came to solve the reaI mystery.
- What are you talking about? I want you to listen and listen good, cos I'm only going to say this once.
This is how I see it.
You k*lled your husband in cahoots with your attorney.
The two of you planned to split the money.
You made a date to meet him and you arranged to have me see you k*ll him.
Nice alibi! Ex
-cop sees poor widow k*ll mean man who was trying to take her money.
Not a dry tear in the house.
- Nice wrap
-up, kid.
- Thank you.
- You've forgotten one thing.
- Oh, yeah? If that were all true, then who sh*t at me in the office? Hmm? Who sh*t at her? Oooh!
- Whoever sh*t at her's goin' into reruns.
- Raise your hands, Senor.
- So, it was you, all the time?
- Almost right.
But when Mrs Carstairs was going to k*ll her m*rder*d husband's attorney, she needed an accomplice.
The reason you believed she was in danger was because I sh*t at her when she was in your office.
So I was right.
You were going to make me the perfect alibi.
We were going to split the money, untiI I thought it might be better to have all the money to myself.
In the old days, the butler did it.
Now it's the maid.
What an era.
You can't sh**t me here.
The neighbours will find it suspicious, all this noise, and three murders in one day.
No one will notice.
Our neighbour is Bruce Willis.
Maybe you're right.
It might be more perfect if you joined Mr Carstairs.
Adios, Senor Hammer.
You got me into this.
How about a little help? Going loco, huh? It does not become you, Senor Hammer.
I'd like to help, paI, but you're forgetting the rules.
I'm not here, remember? We've been through a lot together.
This is no time to baiI out.
I need some help!
- What happened to the rules?
- Rules are made to be broken.
Don't you think you ought to tie her up? She's not going anywhere.
After that kiss, she may never move again.
- Here's lookin' at you, kid.
- Hey, that's my line.
All right, take her up.
That maid could've used me for fish bait.
Weren't you late?
- I was stuck at the beauty parlour.
- How'd you know I was here? Just a wild guess.
Hammer, I never thought I'd say these words.
- You're back on the force.
- The Commissioner needed me, right? No.
He found out you're even more dangerous as a private eye.
Doreau? Come on.
Thanks.
What was your name again? Spade.
Marlowe.
Diamond.
What's the difference? Will I ever see you again? If you ever need me, just whistle.
You know how to whistle, don't you? Just pucker up your lips and blow.
I think this is the beginning of a beautifuI friendship.
Ha! I should have told him he can't walk on water untiI he's up here with me.