Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
Oh, Inspector Sledge Hammer, Detective Doreau, SpeciaI Agent Bunion of the FBI.
FBI, huh? You know J Edgar Hoover? Shut up.
Stop dripping ice cream over my carpet.
Sorry.
Oww! Oh, cold, cold! Ohhh! Ow! Boy, it goes right to your Hammer, Agent Bunion wants to borrow you for the FBI for a very speciaI top secret assignment.
- Have you ever heard of Clive Winston?
- Makes cigarettes.
- Hammer, shut up.
- The biggest crime boss in the late '60s.
- His brother makes cigarettes.
- Hammer, shut up! Hasn't he been in jaiI for 20 years? Sources indicate he's planning a prison break.
We'd like you to go undercover at Chadney FederaI Prison.
Get close to Winston, become friends, and break out with him.
He'll lead you to his accomplices, men we've been trying to convict.
You chose me because I can make friends with anybody.
We chose you because Chadney is full of the most violent men in the country.
You should feeI right at home.
We didn't want to risk the life of one of our own men.
Hey, I eat risk for breakfast.
When do we go? Tomorrow you'll enter Chadney as Nick LeBow, alias Nick the Dart, a hit man who's k*lled so many people even our computer quit counting.
Nobody knows what he looks like.
I arrested him and I don't even know.
Me posing as a vicious hit man? It'll be a stretch, but I'll try.
At least I have the right tools.
Hammer, you can't take your g*n into prison.
One more thing.
This has to be kept top secret.
Only we here will know about it.
You'll be on your own, Inspector.
Good luck.
Ach, sticky, sticky.
Here.
What a sissy hit man.
This guy never once used a heat
-seeking m*ssile.
Sledge, I want you to be carefuI in prison.
It's very dangerous.
- It's gonna be difficult for everyone.
- I know.
The separation is tough.
- Sledge
- I know this sounds hokey.
- I'm not sure I can make it in there alone.
- You can.
You can.
I'm gonna be here when you get out.
Not you.
I'm talking about my amigo.
- Oh.
- No, but I'll miss you too, Doreau.
- Gee, thanks.
- Really.
And just to show you how much you mean to me, I'm gonna let you take care of my g*n while I'm gone.
I've written out a few instructions.
Feed it some high
-quality g*n oiI every night, then wipe it with a clean, lint
-free rag.
Don't worry about your g*n.
Take care of yourself.
What we have here is a failure.
A woman warden? What's next? EquaI pay? Call me sir.
So, the infamous Nick LeBow.
Why do they call you Nick the Dart? Cos I score a lot of points, sir.
Ohhh!
- Don't talk back to the warden.
- I'm sorry.
- Ohhh!
- Don't apologise to the warden.
Don't nod to the warden.
You must have friends in high places, Mr LeBow.
I'm instructed to place you in a cell with Clive Winston.
Yeah, well, we're old pals.
We went to reform schooI together.
That's impossible.
He must be 20 years older than you.
He's also an idiot.
He flunked 11th grade 19 times.
Well, I don't care who you know.
In here, you're nobody, nothing but a number.
- Everybody in Chadney is just a number.
- What's your number? 36
-24
-36? Ohhh! I like to think of this as a progressive prison.
That's because it gets progressively worse.
So much for the sales pitch.
Any negative points? Ohhh!
- What was that for?
- Nothing.
- That's a negative point.
Any others?
- Yes.
Don't even think about escaping.
Nobody escapes from my prison, not even me.
If I tried, I'd have me sh*t! Rules are rules.
Understand?
- Ohhh!
- I told you, no nodding.
Ohhhhhhhhhhh, Go
-o
-o
-o
-d! Ohhhh, jeez! God! Fresh meat! Open 67.
I'm free, I'm free! I'm fre Oh.
Not 76, you moron.
67.
- What the hell is this, Chester?
- New roommate.
- I don't need no stinkin' roommate.
- Sorry, Clive, ain't no more room.
Make some.
k*ll somebody.
Orders is orders.
Y'all keep your nose clean or I'll wipe it off with this here.
Close 67.
No, 67.
6
-7, you tomato
-brain.
Dang, I thought I was stupid.
Well, a nice spread you got here.
You got a bedroom and a bathroom and a vanity.
I guess this is the den.
Let me give you a piece of advice.
I don't like you.
I got two rules in here.
One, shut up.
Two, stay outta my way.
Yeah, tough guy? I got some rules, too.
Number one, don't make me mad.
Two, don't use my toothbrush cos then you'll make me mad and you'll be breaking rule number one.
So which bunk is mine? I I I'll take the top one.
I choose the top one.
Wanna give me a boost up?
- Shut up, huh?
- I think I can make it.
Ohh! Let me get Thanks.
Man, a guy could go stir
-crazy here.
Name's Nick LeBow.
Friends call me Nick the D
-a
-a
-art! Don't worry, I'm like a cat, always land on my feet.
- Nick the Dart.
I heard of you.
- Yeah? All bad, I hope.
- I heard you hit a lot of people.
- Yeah, I hit a few people.
I hit a lot of people! I even k*lled some of them! As a matter of fact, a couple of times, I was contracted to your organisation.
- Ohh!
- Hey, I didn't say I liked you.
I said I heard of you.
Now, put a pillow in that mouth.
I'm trying to read here.
Yeah, well, they can put me in a cage, but they can't tame this animaI.
Yada, yada, yada, warden! Hey, knock it off, will ya? Take this, you lousy screws! What are ya gonna do about it, huh? Come on, show me how tough you are!
- Give it up, dummy!
- Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
Surprise! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Remind me, when I dry off, to k*ll you in your sleep.
And breathe and in and out.
You can do it, I know you can.
Kick and kick and kick and kick.
Looks like we need a little motivation.
Maybe this will help.
And breathe and in and out.
Come on, you can do it, I know you can.
Hey, roomy, fancy meeting you here, huh?
- Get lost, creep.
- This place is disgusting.
- You're disgusting.
- This isn't a prison, it's a summer camp.
How can they reform us slugs when they coddle us like this? I know that guy, I know that guy.
I've seen him someplace before, but where? Whaddaya say, buddy? Wanna play some Parcheesi? Maybe I didn't make myself clear to you, but I hate every single bone No, I hate every single molecule in your body.
If you are smart, you'll get as far away as possible from me and die.
I remember.
That's Sledge Hammer, a cop.
He once busted my mother for tearing tags off of mattresses.
- Zeke, what's a cop doing in prison?
- I don't know.
I don't know, but he's not gonna be here much longer.
Mm, that smells good.
What is it? Cream o' lard on toast.
And they say prison food is bad.
You're through.
Yo, Clive, do you mind if I join you?
- Why don't you go stick your head
- I don't mind if I do.
FazooI.
Huh? Mm, this lard melts in your mouth! This is delicious! Look, you blond
-headed baboon, if you don't leave me alone, when I get outta here, I'm gonna hire you to k*ll yourself.
Hey, Clive, for you, half price.
Give me your butter Kn*fe.
GIVE ME YOUR BUTTER Kn*fe! Yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Hey, buddy, you just saved my life here.
Ah, it's nothing any other good hit man wouldn't do.
So I'm driving down the freeway, it's three in the morning.
I hear thump, thump, thump.
I pull over, whip open the trunk, and this guy ain't dead yet! So I grab this tyre iron, give him a couple of whacks.
Nothing.
Finally, 10, 15 whacks
- bam, bam, bam.
He stops thumping and buys the farm.
It makes me laugh to think about it.
You think that's bad.
I'm trying to get some information outta this guy and he's not talking so I'm on the 20th storey and I figure it might help his memory if I throw him off, right? So what happens? He lands in the swimming pooI!
- You're kidding?
- No! So then I gotta walk all the way down 20 flights of stairs
- The elevator's broken, of course.
- Of course.
So I gotta carry him back up 20 flights, he still won't cooperate.
I throw him off again.
What happens? He lands on an awning, bounces into some bushes and he walks away! I'm thinking, why me?! This is Murphy's law, Murphy's law! Why me? Ahhh! Like a cat! I tell you Oh, boy.
I tell you, the thing that upsets me most about prison is it's just men talking.
Men, men, talk, talk.
'Attention, prisoners.
'The movie tonight will be My Dinner With Andre.
'
- You know, I like you, kid.
- Me too.
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
I'm busting out of this joint tomorrow morning at 5am and, seeing as you have saved my life, I'm gonna take you with me.
No? You You would do this for me? Hey.
You know what you are? You're a reaI sweetheart.
Never say sweetheart in prison unless you mean it.
So who are these guys on the outside that are gonna help you?
- What's it to you?
- I don't want just anybody bustin' me out.
They might be flakes, might be lowlifes.
They might have a personality conflict.
You just be ready to go at 5am.
LeBow, your girlfriend's here.
Open 76.
I tricked him.
FazooI.
Close 76.
Nick and his girlfriend sitting in a tree! K
- I
-S
-S
-I
-N
-G! You got five minutes.
Wait a minute, I don't like you.
Make it four.
And you're ugly.
Make it three
-and
-a
-half.
'I'm sorry, this number is no longer in service.
' Doreau, what are you doing here? Hit men don't have girlfriends.
- If they did, they'd k*ll 'em.
- I came to get a status report.
Also .
.
I brought you something.
- How is my amigo?
- Fine.
Does he miss me? Probably crying b*ll*ts, huh? No it seems happy.
Oh, good.
Doreau, this isn't a prison, it's Club Med.
Do you believe they actually feed the prisoners?
- How are you getting on with Winston?
- Great.
I like the guy.
He's brutaI, violent, unfeeling.
I think he'd make a great cop.
- When's he gonna make his break?
- Tomorrow 5am.
Do you think that guard can read lips? I don't think he can read, period.
Ow! Nick, what What are you doing there? We'll never get out the vent.
Too small.
Relax, will ya? Come on, it's almost five.
I thought you said we were breaking out.
- Yeah, but relax.
- Shouldn't we be doing something? Sawing the bars or maybe carving a g*n outta soap.
- Kid, gimme a break, I'm trying to sleep.
- Come on, we can't just walk outta here.
Open 67.
- Winston, warden wants to see you.
- OK.
- Let's go, Nick.
- Warden wants to see you, not him.
Where I go, he goes.
Hi, Warden, what's the problem?
- Oww! What was that for?
- Talking.
- I didn't talk, he did.
- My mistake.
It's come to my attention that you two plan to break out of here.
Us? No, no, no.
That just must be a prison rumour.
You know how convicts are
- just like old ladies You're Iying.
It's true, isn't it, Clive?
- I'm afraid so, yes.
- You picked a great time to tell the truth.
The deaI was for one.
Two's a bigger risk for me.
It's gonna cost you extra.
Take plastic? If only Papillon would've had a gold card.
See? You make a woman a warden and a breakout is cakewalk.
The Mercedes is gassed up and waiting.
Thanks, Warden.
Money talks, money walks.
So uh just exactly where are we? Oh, on a deserted country road.
But exactly where are we going? To a deserted farmhouse.
For he's a jolly bad fellow For he's a jolly bad fellow For he's a jolly bad fellow He loves doing time Booze, balloons, bimbos.
It's almost worth doing 20 years for.
Let me introduce you to my partners in crime.
- Sure, but can I make a phone call first?
- To who? My girlfriend.
I wanna let her know I'm out and I wanna invite her to the party.
Sure, sure, we can't have too many bimbos, can we? Phone's right over here.
- Hey!
- How ya doin'? Got a quarter? Hey, Rico! All right! Hello? Yeah, babe, it's me
- Nick.
- Hammer?
- 'Yeah, old Nick.
'
- Hammer, where are you?
- 'I don't know.
' At a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere.
Excuse me, could you give my girlfriend directions on how to get here? Oh, sure thing, honey.
OK, now, you go outside and you get in your car, see.
'Then you start it up, then press on the gas pedaI.
' Nick, bring it over here.
I want you to meet the guys.
Come on over here.
Hey, hold it down, everybody.
I got something to say here.
I want you to meet the only friend I ever made after doing 20 years in the joint.
- Nick LeBow.
- How ya doin', Nick? All right.
This is a terrific hit man.
He is also reaI good people.
You may know him by his professionaI name
- Nick the Dart.
Nick the Dart? Yo, Clive, Nick the Dart k*lled my second cousin.
Well, he knocked off my first cousin.
Hold on.
Nick the Dart iced my sister.
- He rubbed out my father!
- Your father? What about my mother?
- And my dog!
- Wait a minute, guys, wait.
Give the kid a break.
So he m*rder*d a few people.
He is a hit man, it is his job.
- Let's not get petty.
- I'll blow his brains out right here! Hold it, put down your g*ns! I'm not really Nick the Dart.
I'm Sledge Hammer, an undercover cop.
There's no reason to sh**t Wait! Did I say cop? Where is my head? No, no, no.
I'm actually Geraldo Rivera and I'm doing an expose on prison reform.
No?
- Doreau, quick, my g*n!
- Sledge, catch.
Do you know, Doreau, happiness is a warm g*n.
- Good work.
- Yeah.
We'll have to pick up Warden Keane and that guard Chester.
- They were in on the break.
- Yeah, we heard.
They're in custody.
I'm glad to be out.
Being in prison was like being in a day
-care centre.
- What's this for?
- Sorry, Hammer.
- You're considered an escaped convict.
- Oh, yeah, by whom? By me!