01x01 - Never Get Them Wet

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music playing]

[gasps]

[singing mogwai song]

[singing mogwai song]

[yawning]

[bird screeching]

[all screaming]

[screaming continues]

[grunts]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[gasping]

[thunderclap]

[screams]

[snoring]

[gasps]

[circus assistant] Uh...

I know we've been in these
mountains a long time,

but we can all see that, right?

What is that?

- Is that a cat?
- A dog?

That is our new star.

[gasps]

[theme music playing]

[instrumental music playing]

- You won again?
- So lucky...

[Sam] Ginseng! Seahorses!

Lotus seed!

- One, two, three...
- [Hon] Ah!

But there was
one ingredient you missed.

- [Hon] A kiss?
- Sorry, but even a drop of human saliva

would dilute this
medicine's effectiveness.

So, just to be safe...

Yes, sir boss.
What are we mixing?

Scalp cream. You know how fierce
Mr. Shao's dandruff gets.

[Sam] Oh-oh-oh , don't forget
Mr. Shao's allergic to licorice root.

[chuckles] Thank you, Sam.

Soon, we really will be
working for you.

But until then, sorry.

- [Fong] It's your turn.
- Ah.

[sighs]

Here we go. Grandpa?

Uh, it's time
for your medicine.

[Sam screams]

- Grandpa?
- [Grandpa] Gotcha!

Wait, you can get
under the bed?

Under? Yes.
Back up without help? No.

[Grandpa] Oh. Wow.
You're growing strong.

How many monsters
did you slay today, huh?

Same as always. Zero.

That is
a fake human skull, right?

Nope.
It's from a grave I robbed.

[shivers]

Now what is my daughter
poisoning me with today, huh?

Arthritis tea.

I slipped in some goji berries
to make it go down smoother.

[Grandpa laughs]

Ugh...

- For surviving grandpa.
- Without screaming... much.

You can go ingredient shopping
with your father.

Shopping? But it's not every other Tuesday.
Ooh, exciting.

If this counts as exciting,
we have failed you, my grandson.

By your age, I've already
broken out of one jail,

survived two ship wrecks,
punched three sharks

- and began my life as a treasure hunter!
- [Sam gasps]

Yes, and look around
at all the treasure you brought back.

Ten yuan should cover
what we need.

You know what, Sam,
your work ethic is inspiring me.

Maybe I can contribute
more to this family.

I'll go shopping
with Sam today.

But Dad always shops with me.

We even have a shopping song.

♪ Shopping, shopping
shopping, shopping, shopping, shopping ♪

- [Grandpa] Oh my Gosh!
- ♪ Shopping shopping, shopping ♪

Okay. We mostly just say
"shopping" a lot.

Daughter, you said yourself
you got your hands full, right?

So you mix, while Hon delivers

and the boy and I shop.
Triple victory!

Plus, we can go shopping
with my old adventures box.

It's seen the world, saved my life
and has secret compartments,

including one that houses a...
never mind.

The Scorpion d*ed.

[both] Ugh!

Your adventurer's box?

Whoa!

- Still, it's yours now, Sam.
- [Sam gasps]

[Grandpa laughs]

Sam, before you leave,
promise me, run home

the second grandpa brings up adventure.
Or magic. Or knives.

We let him have knives?

- Promise.
- I promise.

And pass out some flyers.

Hon, tell me Sam is safe
with my dad.

Fong, you told me
never to lie to you.

[Sam] Okay. Okay. Wild idea.

If we get ginger and ginko
at Miss Lin's,

we have enough time
to go to Mr. Fan's for... Hey!

Eh, I could get all of this
for half the price at the South market.

Mom says South Market
is filled with thieves and freeloaders.

[Grandpa] She's not wrong,
but it's the only way we can have money left over.

Money left over for wha... Hey!
What?

An adventure.

[sighs] I was afraid
you'd say that?

Have fun, be safe, I'm gonna run...
Ow! My ear!

Wow. That arthritis tea
is working.

[Sam] Grandpa, where are we?

And can I have my money back?

[stuttering] Not until
you've learned your lessons.

First lesson,

never leave
your coins unguarded.

Second lesson,

you want to be a great doctor
like your mom?

More than anything.
It's the culmination of my year plan.

Then you need to discover
the world's mysteries.

And that won't happen
if you never stray beyond your parents' sight.

Right. Which is why
I plan to do just that in year thirteen.

[stuttering] Third lesson,
life waits for no one, Sam.

Better to act today,
especially when today

has a circus.

[circus assistant]
Feast your eyes,

amaze your ears
and shock your nostrils

with all the wonders from
certain parts of the world,

here at the circus
of the uncanny!

See? Not all adventures
are scary.

Hailing from the deepest
regions of the north

and known to live
for ten thousand years,

I bring to you,
the White Mountain yeti!

[yawning]

Grandpa, that yeti is a monkey.

And that
"invisible tiger spirit"

- is just an empty cage.
- Probably.

But once in the while, these circuses
have something worth the price of admission.

And at my age, I'll take
whatever magic I can get.

Sorry, magic is one of Mom's
"runaway words,"

so... yeah. Ow!

Eh, magic gets a bad rap.

Only half of it is
dark and deadly.

Oh, I know magic isn't bad.
Because there's no such thing.

Your parents
want you to think that,

but they've
never even left Shanghai.

I have traveled the world
to meet, and to bravely fight,

all manner
of supernatural creatures

and I'll tell you this...
magic is all around us.

But you'll never see it
if you don't go out and look.

[spits]

Okay, that one might not be magic.
[groans in disgust]

Gather round, brave souls.

From the deepest regions
up the Yangtze River,

I bring you a creature
only whispered about

in myth and legend...

the singing Tianjing cat-dog!

[sighs]

[Sam] Whoa! You're kidding...
A cat dog?

It's not magic,
but it is cute...

[whimpering]

And sad. Very sad.

[groans]

[exclaiming]

Nah, he's an entertainer!

[singing]

Aha!

[singing]

[all applauding]

Huh? Mm...

[whistles]

[singing]

- [whistling]
- [Elle] You rang?

Whatever you brought me here
for better be good.

I was about to crash
a very fancy wedding

full of
very unguarded valuables.

[Gizmo singing]

Huh, that does look like
the thing the boss was searching for.

Send word that we found it,

then find that wedding
and steal me some cake. Corner piece!

Huh?

[gasps]

[candy vendor] Thief!

[Gizmo continues singing]

[singing]

[groans]

[panting]

[grunts]

Take a bow, cat-dog.

It can't be.

- [candy vendor] That's it?
- [man] What just happened?

Who wants to see me eat fire?

- Let's... go.
- No. Come, Sam.

If we leave now,
Shanghai is doomed.

[grunts]

You ungrateful twerp!
If you didn't bring in

- so many gawking idiots...
- [mimicking circus master]

- I don't sound like that.
- [mimicking circus master]

[yeti laughing]

Exactly as I feared.
Sam, that is a mogwai.

So like a type of rodent.

Oh no, mogwai
are the rarest mystical creatures.

No mortal has seen one
for centuries, and with good reason.

They might look cute, but the last time
one of those was left in humanity's care,

cities b*rned, people d*ed and China
was nearly obliterated.

Sam, if you care
about your parents or our city or me...

That's literally
all I care about!

Then we must take the mogwai.

[circus master] Diva!

- [Elle] Eh, wrong way, big guy.
- Hey!

Get lost.
We don't do handouts.

I can see
you also don't do teeth.

But let's stop the small talk
before feelings get hurt.

I want to buy that dancing,
whatever you're calling it.

And before you ask
a dumb question...

[circus master] Well then,
I can absolutely certify

that this tiny beast
is percent cat-dog.

[whimpering]

- Oh well, we tried, let's give up...
- Never! I have a plan.

Mom said no knives.

Your mother doesn't understand
the fine art of creating a distraction.

My back! [groans]

- [Sam] Grandpa!
- Who's there?

Backstage costs extra.

New plan.

Your new plan is a marble?

[grunts]

Hmm?

[expl*si*n]
[all cheering]

[gasps]

- Hold it!
- [Gizmo laughs]

Until I get new money
for my old money, that critter's mine!

Funny because he's in my...
Hands! Ow!

[exclaiming]

Huh? [groans]

- Are you okay?
- Of course not.

- Now, you need to grab the mogwai.
- Me?

I can't do that without you.

You have to do this, Sam.

I know you can.

Hmm...

Got any more of those
explodey thingys?

[Grandpa] Go, go,
go, go, go! Now!

Get that cat-dog!

Great show, cat-dog!
Smile!

Ahh! Bright light!
Bright light!

- Who are you? Huh?
- [all cheering]

Sorry for what I'm about to do!

[screaming]

Hi! I'm Sam
and I'm here to take you!

[Sam] Uh, sorry!

[groans]

Huh? [grunts]

[Grandpa] Sam! Get the mogwai!

[thrilling instrumental
music playing]

[groans]

- [groans]
- [gasps]

[screaming]

[groans]

Sam!

Oh...

[grunts]

[whimpers]

We won't hurt you, Mr. Mogwai.

- Mogwai?
- That's right.

We know what you are
and we want to help.

[singing]

Eh?

[exhales]

[sniffs]

Don't worry,
you're safe now, Mr. Mogwai.

Can I call you Mr. Mogwai?

- Mm-hmm.
- Do you have a first name?

- Gizmo.
- Gitchmoe?

- Gizmo.
- Gizno? Geezmo?

- Giz... mo.
- Gizmo?

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay. Gizmo.

Hi Gizmo. I'm Sam.

[Grandpa grunts]

Um, Grandpa.
What are you doing?

- Packing. We must leave at once.
- To go where?

We just got back home.

And we never did our shopping.

No. Shopping is pointless.

Everything is pointless
next to this mogwai.

[Grandpa] His species is
wildly dangerous?

Oh, admit it. You are.

I know how your kind
turned Fengdong

from a thriving metropolis
to a decimated ghost city.

So we must
return him to his home,

the Valley of Jade.

Wait... The Valley of Jade?
That made-up place from all your old stories?

Grandpa, is this all
just an excuse to drag me on an adventure?

No. This and the Valley of Jade
are very real.

Now, pack up for our long,
possibly deadly journey.

Did you say possibly deadly?

How dangerous can he be?

[screaming in pain]

- [Grandpa] No, no, no, no, no, no.
- [Fong] Sam!

I told you to run
if Grandpa got into trouble!

- [Fong] Cat!
- Dog!

[screaming]

[gasping]

[whimpering]

Listen carefully now.
The mogwai also come with rules.

Rule number one,
never, ever, ever get them wet.

[gasps]

Oh no! Okay.

[deep breath]

Your filthy associate
said you found me a mogwai.

I did, but then, I can explain.

[Greene] Well, actually "explain" would be
to offer me greater clarity.

What you're about to give me
is an "excuse,"

which is an attempt
to lessen your personal blame.

I have zero interest in excuses.

Any interest in finding
the guys who grabbed your mogwai?

[intense music playing]

[theme music playing]