04x06 - Teacher's Pest

[bunniefuu]

(WHIRRING)

All right, Benson,
I got everything you want.

Yeah, but you got it
all in the wrong places.

Where the devil
have you been?

We had an appointment
this morning for : sharp.

It is now minutes of :.
I'll see you at : sharp.

I do not have time to wait.

You will either see me now,
or you will not see me at all.

Oh, how I wish
that were true.

Could we get this
over with?

All right,
I can finish this later.

Maybe you can round up
those revenue figures.

Kraus, what I'll need
from you are your
household expenditures

from the last quarter

so that I can complete
next year's budget.

Everything you need is
right here in this folder.

I don't have time
to look through all this.

Can you reduce this
to a simple ledger?

It's right there
on the top sheet.

Miss Kraus,
this just arrived

from the state
personnel department.

We're in the middle of
a meeting here, Clayton.

Eh, buh, buh, buh, buh.
First things first, Benson.

Miss Kraus,
you were promoted to
the head of household affairs,

but you neglected to fill out
this job classification form.

Why is that?

Oh, paperwork, paperwork,
paperwork.

I have a staff to supervise,
supplies to purchase,

receptions to plan.

I can't be filling out
every stupid form

that crosses my desk.

Where's the $ receipt
for the stove?

It's all alphabetized.
You'll find it under
"S" for "Stove."

If you don't fill out
this stupid form,

you'll lose the benefits
you're entitled to.

Can we get back
to the budget here?
Miss Kraus...

Oh, great Caesar salad!

Will you two
get off my case?

(SCOFFS)
That's the last time
I do a favor for anyone.

Oh, really?
I was about to ask you
to leave.

Excuse me, Benson,
your economics textbook
just arrived by messenger.

CLAYTON: Economics?
(LAUGHING)

Shouldn't you
have taken that course

before you became
budget director?

For your information, Clayton,
I'm not taking the course.

They asked me to teach it.

Teach it? You?
They really must be desperate.

Not too desperate.
They didn't ask you.

I'm filling in for a guy
they had to let go.

Denise, I'm waiting
for an answer.

For the last time, no.

Why not?

Pete, when a gentleman
asks a lady out,

he gives her more than
three hours' notice.

Why are you all in my office?

Is the kitchen closed
this morning?

Come on, Denise.
Benson, tell her.

She'd love
midget mud wrestling.

Sounds lovely to me.

Hey, the price
includes a meal.

You expect me to eat while
midgets are wrestling in mud?

You got something against
dinner theater?

Come on, Denise.

Oh, when will you
ever change?

(SCOFFS)
If she wants me to change,
why is she going out with me?

She's not going out
with you.

Yeah, you're right.

Peter, Peter, Peter.

When will you understand
that women appreciate finesse?

Finesse?
Yes.

You must dress
with a certain panache.

You've got to cultivate
something profound
or witty to say.

Make the women feel
she's the center
of your universe.

Yeah, well I'm not gonna go
through all that trouble

unless there's some kind
of guarantee up front.

Well, works for me.

And if it works for him,
it'll work for anybody.

Could you two work your way
outta here?

Well maybe I'll
give it a try.

Atta boy, Peter.

Oh, by the way, Benson,
as you know, I'm an expert
in the stock market.

So if you need
a guest lecturer,
feel free to call on me.

Well, I certainly will,
Clayton.

Your topic can be
"investing Daddy's money."

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(CHATTERING CONTINUES)

Good evening, everyone.

I'm Benson DuBois, and I'll be
filling in for Mr. Hawkins

the rest of the semester.

Why?

Well, let's say
for professional reasons.

I heard
they fired his butt.

Okay, let's say he made
a career change.

Tonight what
we'll be discussing

is how government policies
affect the economy.

Can anyone tell me what
an a*t*matic stabilizer is?

Yeah, uh, I just put one
in my Chevy, man.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Uh, Mrs... Uh, Ferguson?

My late husband
sold Chevrolets.

Is that right?

Now my son
runs the business,
him and that girl he married.

I have nothing against her,

but I never get to see
my grandchildren.

(CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY)

Uh, have a seat,
Mrs. Ferguson.

I tell you what.

I'm gonna write some terms
on the board here.

These are the terms
you'll need to know

if you're going to pass
the course.

a*t*matic...

Sorry I'm late.

Kraus, what are you
doing here?

I am a student.
What are you doing here?

Where is Mr. Hawkins?

They fired his butt.

Mrs. Ferguson, do you want
to stay after school?

No, sir.

You mean you're teaching
my class?

I certainly am,
so take a seat

and move it
out in the hallway.

My whole day's
been going this way.

Hey, teach, are we gonna stay
the whole three hours tonight?

You certainly are.

The whole purpose
of taking this class

is so you can learn something.

And from what I've seen
and heard,

the only thing you people
know how to do
is find the classroom.

I suggest you pay attention
and read the text,

because that's the only way
you're going to pass
the final exam.

Exam? Mr. Hawkins
never gave exams.

That's why
they fired his butt.

Hello, Benson.

Kraus, you're early.

The final exam doesn't start
for another hour.

Ja, but I thought
I could maybe,

you know,
help out a little.

No.

Uh, is that the exam there
in your briefcase?

Part of it.

I'll put the rest of
the questions on the board

as soon as you
get out of here.

What kind of questions?

Easy if you studied,
hard if you didn't.

I studied. I studied.

I just don't like
taking tests.

Well, I'm sorry, Kraus.

It's the only way I have
of knowing if you know
the material.

Can't you just
take my word for it?

Unfortunately, no.

Well, at least give me
a hint.

Are there any true/false
questions?

One hint... Yes.

Well, is there a pattern
to these questions?

Yes.

Some are true.
Some are false.

See, when I was
a kid in Bavaria,
I had this music teacher

who used to set
her true/false questions

to the tune
of the Blue Danube waltz.

How is that?

♪ True, true, true,
true, true

♪ False, false,
true, true ♪

Well?

Well, I like the b*at,

but the lyrics leave a lot
to be desired.

Benson, please don't
make me take this test.

Kraus, you have to take it.
It's the final exam.

I'll be your friend
for life.

Threatening me won't help.

Benson, you just
don't know how hard

this is going to be for me.

What is the matter
with her?

Mr. Barber, what is that
on your hand?

What, this?
Oh, it's a tattoo.

Hmm...
May I see it?

How convenient to have
the free market theory

tattooed on the palm
of your hand.

Yeah, well, everybody's got
"I love mom."

(CHUCKLING SARCASTICALLY)

I tell you what,
before you finish the test,

why don't you go outside
and scrub your hands?

But it might not come off.

Then don't come back.

I know this.
I know this.

I just can't remember it.

Well, then move on
to the next question.

Oh, right, right.
Number two.

Nope.
Ooh.

Nope.
Aah!

Nope.
Oh!

Kraus, I don't need a backup
singer to grade papers.

Well, what is wrong
with that answer?

The question is,
"Explain the wholesale
price index."

Ja.
And your answer is,

"The wholesale price
index is an index
for wholesale prices."

That's not right?

Well, it's not wrong,
but I'd hardly
call it comprehensive.

Didn't you study at all?

I studied all night.

I knew this stuff cold.

Well, it must have slipped
your mind when it warmed up.

Here you go.

Forty-two.

What is that,
like, a B-minus?

More like an F-plus.

I'm sorry, Kraus.
You failed the course.

You can't fail me, Benson.

Come on, Kraus.
It's not the end of the world.

You took this course to learn
something, not get a grade.

Wrong.
I need that grade, Benson.

I don't give a damn
if I learned anything.

So far, so good.

Benson, I am begging you.

Give me a D.

Why does this grade
mean so much to you?

Because if I flunk economics,
I won't graduate.

Graduate?
Graduate from what?

High school.

What, you never graduated
from high school?

Oh, Benson...

You just don't know
what it was like.

I was just a girl when
my family came
to this country.

I had almost no English.

I understood about half
of what the teachers
were saying.

Und whenever
I raised my hand to speak,

even if I knew the answer,
it would come out funny,

and the other kids
would laugh at me.

It was a nightmare.

Und we were poor.

We needed money.
I knew I could get a job.

So, finally I just said,
"Oh, who needs this?"

Und I just quit.

I taught myself.

What you see here
is a self-made woman.

Well, you did a good job,

so what do you need
with a piece of paper?

Because state law says I can't
hold a management position

without
a high school diploma.

And that's why
you didn't fill out

the management
promotion report.

Ja, und now that you have
failed me,

I'm gonna lose my job.

Kraus...

Oh, Benson,
it isn't just a job.

You of all people
should understand that.

The mansion is my whole life.

I have nothing else.

You and Katie
and the Governor,

you're the only family
I have.

And now that's all gone.

Benson, I know I wanted
Pete to change,

but he's acting
just like Clayton.

Oh, the new Pete's a phony,
a snobbish boar.

That's impossible, Denise.

Snobbery like Clayton's
takes years to perfect.

Benson, Benson, Benson.

How are you
this fine morning?

Pete, don't you know
you can be arrested

for impersonating a fool?

Ah, Benson, your sharp wit
never fails to amuse me.

Hmm.
Good morning, Denise.

You look lovely today.

Thank you, Pete.

Buh, buh, buh, buh.
Call me Peter.

What is... What is that?

It's a mustache.
What does it look like?

Looks like you've been
snorting charcoal briquettes.

Good morning, all.

Which twin has the Tony?

Good morning, Clayton.

Peter, when are you going to
stop this asinine imitation?

Will the real Clayton Endicott
please calm down?

But just look at him.
He looks like
a preppy mutant.

Clayton, Clayton.

Peter.
Clayton.

Peter.
Peter, Peter!

Well, I refuse to dignify
this outburst with a response.

(SNIFFING)

Man's a barbarian.

Benson.

Oh, he's such an annoying
little twit.

Yeah, he's acting more
like you every day.

Hi, Katie.

Denise, would you tell Benson
I'm not talking to him?

Why?
What did he do?

Miss Kraus is
upstairs packing.

He made her lose her job.

What did you do
to the poor woman?

I didn't do anything.

He flunked her in economics.

You flunked Miss Kraus?
You flunked Gretchen?

She didn't know the material.

Yeah, but now she won't get
the high school diploma

she needs to keep her job.

I thought you weren't
talking to me.

You're absolutely right.

Boy, you're tough.

Denise, she didn't know
the material.

I had no choice.

Well, don't worry
about it, Benson.

I would have done
the same thing.

Thank you very much, Clayton.
That makes me feel much worse.

Denise?
You got a minute?

Oh, Pete.
Oh, I'm so glad you're here.

I need to talk to you about
the way you've been acting.

I know you like me
the way I am now,

but honestly, Denise,
I can't keep this up.

My mustache itches.

It costs a fortune
to keep these suits clean.

And I've had it
with going home

and my dog not knowing
who I am.

I'm sorry, Denise.
That's the way
it's got to be.

Pete, I agree!

I like the old Pete.

You did?
I mean, you do?
Huh-huh.

Well, as long as the old Pete
has nice manners

and be a little more
sensitive.

Hey, no problem.

I'll take the suits back,
and I'll keep the manners.

Oh, I'm so glad to have
the old Pete back.

You want to have
some lunch this afternoon?

Sure, thanks.
Great.

You got any cash?

(DOOR OPENING)

Ooh!
Hi, Governor.

(SNARLING) Hi.

Benson, do you know
what this is?

Miss Kraus' resignation.

This is
Miss Kraus' resignation.

Do you mind
if I read you some of it?

I've already read it, sir.

Good, then I'll read it
to you.

"Due to circumstances
beyond my control,

"I am forced to give you
my resignation.

"P.S. If you want to know
the circumstances,

"ask Benson."

Well, I know
the circumstances.

Then you understand.

And I don't understand how
you can let a valued employee

like Miss Kraus
be forced out of a job.

Do you intend to do
anything about it?

Yes, sir, I'm working on it.

Governor,
you wish to see me.

Yes, Miss Kraus, I want to get
to the bottom of this problem

with you and Benson.

I have a solution
if you'd like to hear it.

Maybe Benson
has a solution.

Why would Benson want
to do anything for me?

Well, I've been
very firm with him,

and I think he's beginning
to get the message.

I have a solution.

Well, it's about time.

Kraus, I spent an hour
convincing the principal

to let you take a makeup
test on Friday.

Big deal.

You're very welcome.
It was my pleasure.

Well, maybe I have something
else to do on Friday.

As a matter of fact,
I do have something
to do on Friday.

I have a lot of things
to do on Friday.

It's the best I can do.

Well, thank you
to high heaven.

Benson, she's grateful.
She's just overwhelmed.

I wish she was overseas.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

(KNOCKING)

BENSON: All right, all right!
Okay, I'm coming!

(DOORBELL RINGING)

(CONTINUED KNOCKING)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kraus?

Benson, open the door.
It's freezing out here.

You came by here at :
to give me a weather report?

You've got to help me
study for the test.

Go home and read the book.

If you don't help me,
I'll stay out here all night.

Kraus, keep it down.
I got neighbors.

MAN: You better believe it,
you got neighbors!

Are you going to
let me in?

No.

(LOUDLY)
♪ Daisy, Daisy

♪ Give me your answer do ♪

MAN: Let her in
or I'll sh**t her!

Benson,
did you hear that?

Yes.

Well?

I'm thinking.
I'm thinking.

Benson!

(SHIVERING)

We've been at this
for hours.

I don't know why you
can't remember anything.

I'm a dummy.

You're not a dummy.
Thank you, Benson.

You're unpleasant,
you're an irritant,

and you're
a constant nuisance,
but you're not a dummy.

I didn't used to be.

When I was in school
in Bavaria,

I was one of the smartest
kids in the class.

What's wrong now?

Benson, there's too much
riding on this.

You know,
when you're a kid,

you don't care whether
you pass or fail.

You just want to get
to recess.

Kraus, you could pass
this test if you just relax.

Easy for you to say.

Come on, close your eyes.

Imagine you're a little girl
in Bavaria again.

You got a test coming up,
but you don't care.

This isn't working,
Benson.

I mean, this is nothing
like Bavaria.

There's no snow,
no mountains.

Where is that thing
you gave me for Christmas?

Huh?
That paperweight.
Here it is.

Okay.

One mountain scene
coming up.

Now look at this,
all right? Eh?

Pretend you're in Bavaria,
pretend it's snowing,

and pretend
you're a little girl.

That's an awful lot
to pretend.

Kraus,
you're not concentrating.

Well, shake it up
for me again.

Shake it up.

Now close your eyes. Huh?

Now, you're going back
to your school years.

Now, picture yourself
at your desk.

Class is about to begin.

You're gonna take a test.

In walks the teacher.

Quiet, everybody.

Here comes
Herr Oberdorfer.

That's good pretending.
Good pretending, Kraus.

Danke schoen
Herr Oberdorfer.

Say what?

Herr Oberdorfer, please,

may I get out early to go
und tend my goats?

You're taking this
a little bit too far, Kraus.

Nein, nein, mein herr.
Those goats are
my responsibility.

Kraus?

(IN GERMAN ACCENT)
Fraulein Kraus.

You are ready to take
the economics finale, ja?
Jawohl.

Gut, gut.
We cannot have you "geflunken"
again, nein?

Nein.
So, was ist
the gross nationale product?

Goat cheese.
Nein, nein, nein,
nein, nein!

I mean the verschlugene
definition.

Ah.

The total dollar value

of goods und services
produced in a given year.

Ist das nicht der G.N.P.?

Ja, das ist der G.N.P.

G.N.P.?

G.N.P.

Now was ist
the laissez-faire?

Laissez-faire?

Laissez-faire.

So, wir haben
the final question.

You will tell me the name of
the man who has "gefounded"

the Bank of the United States.

Das ist easy.

It was Alexander Hamilton.

"Wunbar schoen," Kraus.

You have "gepassed" the test
mit ein "ge-%."

Danke schoen.
I will go now
und tend mein goats.

Halt!
Must snap you out of it.

Oh, Herr Oberdorfer,
I have such a crush on you.

Hmm.

Kraus, I am not
Herr Oberdorfer.
Wake up.

Do not worry,
Herr Oberdorfer.

Mein father
is in Switzerland.

Whoa, Mama, whoa!

Oh, Herr Oberdorfer,

don't you know
ich liebe dich?

Ich liebe you a lot.

Then you liebe me alone.

Herr Oberdorfer,
mein liebling.

Well, Kraus, I hope
you forgive me for this.

(STOMPS FOOT)
Aah!

What... What happened?

You stubbed your toe.

I did?

Ooh!
Sehr schmerz.

Benson, what's been going
on around here, anyway?

Don't you remember?
I gave you the economics exam.

You passed!
I did?

Right.
Hot damn!

Oh!

Oh, Benson!
I could kiss you!

No, no, no, no, no,
no, no.

What would
Herr Oberdorfer think?

Herr Oberdorfer?

I haven't thought of him
in years.

Who cares?

He never gave me
a second look anyway.

Thank you, Benson.

Halt!

Kraus, Kraus.
About-face.

March!
Hut! Hut! Hut! Guten abend.

Oh, Benson. Before you go,
guess what Arnold gave me

for a graduation present.

Something I always wanted.
He gave me a little charm.

He sure knew what you needed.

No. It's a little gold
graduation cap.

You sure
it's the right size?

Ja. It's going
to fit perfectly.

Oh, Benson.

(CHUCKLES) Well,
.congratulations, Kraus.

Thank you, Benson.
You made me what I am today.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
You're not gonna blame
that on me.