04x11 - Pen Pal

[bunniefuu]

(OPENING THEME PLAYING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Clayton, it's been IRCA,
IRCA, IRCA all morning.

Then stay away
from Kraus's donuts.
(CHUCKLES)

IRCA, I-R-C-A,

stands for
International Restaurant
Critics Association.

What do you think,
Benson?

Should we invite a bunch
of restaurant critics
to the mansion?

I don't think
Kraus's cooking
needs a second opinion.

Sir, these critics
represent

, periodicals
and newspapers
throughout the world.

A few favorable
mentions from them

could mean
millions of dollars

to the state's
tourism industry.
(SIGHS)

I just don't
like cozying up to
a bunch of fancy snobs

with their wine-tasting
and their six forks.

What do you think, Benson?

Well, I don't know, sir.

Clayton makes
a good argument.

Yeah, Benson, please.

Yeah, a modest reception
could be money well spent.

Just stay out of this.
Don't listen to him, sir.

Clayton,
he agreed with you.

Oh? Oh.

Yes, I just thought
of how we could do it.

Brilliant idea, Benson.
Don't you think so, sir?

I don't know.
I haven't heard it yet.

Oh.

What we do is
we invite the best
restaurants in the state

to prepare
their favorite dishes,

and the critics
can judge them.

All right, if you guys
think it's worth it.

Clayton, go ahead
and set up the affair.

Thank you, sir.
Thank you, Benson.

I'll be bored to death.

They left
this mail for you,

Benson, Governor, Clayton.

Thank you.
This one's for you,
Kraus,

it's from the state
penitentiary.

Oh.

Are you guys having
a class reunion
or something?

It is from Zeke,
my pen pal in the pen.

Zeke?

Ja. We've been writing
to each other for seven years.

You're corresponding
with a felon?

(CHUCKLES)
What's he in for?

For seven years.
Pay attention, Clayton.

He happens to be
a very nice man.

I'm sure he is,
Miss Kraus,

and I think
it's admirable that
you care enough

to give another
human being hope.

Well, you can't give up
on people.

He's still a member
of the human race.

Holy mackerel,
they're letting him out!

Oh, good.

Und he is coming here.

Ah, well, we can't let him
come to the mansion.

He wants to meet
me face-to-face.

What, is he crazy?
Hasn't he been
punished enough?

Miss Kraus, go ahead.
Invite the fellow over.

As a precaution,
I'll have him
checked out.

I'll call Dr. Witowski.

She's an old friend of mine
from the parole board.

Uh, sir, if you want
my opinion...

No, Clayton, I don't.

Uh, Miss Kraus, I...

I don't want
your opinion, either.

Fine. If that's the way
you want to be, that's fine.

Maybe I want
your opinion, Clayton.

No, you don't, Benson.

You're just looking
for an opening

to make another
smart remark,
a joke at my expense.

Well, I'm on to you.

I'm not going
to set you up anymore.

I'm nobody's fool.

Don't worry.
Someday somebody
will adopt you.

Benson. I...

(GROANS)

So, then he says,
"How about if I walk home
from school with you?"

And I said,
"No way, nerd."

And walked away
like I was, kind of,
bummed out.

And he snuck up
behind me

and pushed my books
out of my hands.

Then he ran away.
What do you think?

I think you got him
right where you want him.

Yeah,
that's what I thought.
Is he cute?

He'd be a lot cuter
if he could keep
his shirt tucked in.

I have the same
problem with Pete.

Denise.
Oh, hi, Liebchen.

Oh, Denise,
I can't go
through with it.

I am so nervous
about meeting Zeke.

Oh, Gretchen,
calm down
and just remember

he's the same man
from the letters,

a gentle man,
a sweet man.

A man who's been
behind bars
for seven years.

Benson, this is not
an extravagance.

The restaurants are
supplying the food.

All we have to supply
is the room.

We're not supplying a room
with a -piece orchestra.

Now this occasion
demands an orchestra.

I feel very strongly
about it.

Strongly enough
to pay for it yourself?

Yeah, perhaps you're right.

Who wants to see
a bunch of people dancing
with their mouths full?

Could you two
hold it down?

Can't you see
my nerves are sh*t?

Kraus, it's more
than your nerves.

Zeke will be here
any minute,

und I don't know
what to say to him.

Well, it's very simple,
Miss Kraus.

Make him feel at home.
Talk about license plates.

Tie a knot in it, Clayton.

I do not
approve of inviting
dangerous criminals

into the mansion.

Clayton, the governor
spoke to Dr. Witowski
of the state parole board,

and she had nothing
but good things to say
about Zeke Webster.

That's right.
He was a model prisoner.

(GASPS) I think
I heard the door.

Hi, I'm looking
for Gretchen Kraus.

I'm Gretchen Kraus.
How do you do?

This is Benson,
Clayton, Denise,

und Katie, und Gretchen,
und you.

It has been nice meeting you.
I have lots to do,

und I'm sure you have
much to catch up on

after having been
in prison for seven years.
Auf wiedersehen.

Wait, I think there's
a misunderstanding here.

I'm not Zeke Webster.

Then who are you, buster?

I'm Jack Reynolds,
Zeke's parole officer.

I drove him over.

He's waiting
in the car.

Ah, excellent idea.
We'll wave to him
from the window.

Ignore him.
Everyone else does.

Before I bring Zeke in,

I just wanted to make
sure that Miss Kraus's
job offer still stands.

Job offer?

As you know
Zeke's parole
is conditional

on his finding employment.

You offered him a job?

This administration does
not hire undesirables.

With one exception.

You offered him a job?

Well, I, uh...

Did I?

Zeke gave me this
letter from you.

Let's see.
Here it is.

"When you are paroled,
you can come see me
about a job."

Sounds like
a job offer to me.

Well, um, I am a little
shorthanded in maintenance.

Well,
you're not seriously
considering this?

Clayton, the man's
a human being who stands
a much better chance

of fitting in society
if we give him the help
he needs.

Ja, Benson's right.

Okay,
he's got a job here.

Wonderful.
I'll send him in.

Benson, Miss Kraus,

I respect your ideals,
but this is no place
to practice them.

There's no point
in having ideals
if you don't practice them.

And I think you're doing
the right thing.

After all, he's paid
his debt to society.

I think it's ridiculous.

I think it's neat.

Thank you, all.
I feel much better now.

I think everything is going
to turn out just fine.

Hi. I'm Zeke.

I'm telling you guys,

the way Fatso's
makes a cheeseburger,

oh, it's a work of art.

I am not feeding
the critic

from Le Monde du gourmet
a cheeseburger.

Well, Fatso's should
be on the list.

It's one of the top
in the state.

I am not putting
Fatso's on the list.

Clayton, you said
this was gonna be
a short meeting.

We've been talking
about this for two hours.

Sir, we must narrow down
hundreds of restaurants

to the top .

How many do you have
on your list now, Benson?

.

, if you're gonna
include this, uh, Fatso's.

We are not going to
include this Fatso's.

No Fatso's.
(SCOFFS)

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

Excuse me, Benson.

Zeke is here to fix
that leaky faucet.

Send him in.

Thanks, Denise.

BENSON: Hey, Zeke,
how's it going?

Real good, Benson.
Real good. Hey, Pete.

How you doing, pal?
Afternoon, Governor.

Hi, Zeke.
Mr. Endicott.

All right, let's get on
with this, shall we?

We're all agreed
on Antoine's, correct?

I'll just be
a few minutes.
Okay.

Uh, Governor,
why don't we have Pete

call Dwight
what's-his-name

who writes the food column
for the Sunday paper,

have him pick
the best?

Dwight Hollinger writes
one unimportant column
for a dinky little paper.

Well, gee, I remember
when they printed
your dinky little picture,

you called it
an "outstanding periodical."

Why don't we just
put all the names
in a hat and pick ?

Huh!
Ha!

That may be the silliest idea
to ever come out
of this administration.

All right, that's it!

Who's the Governor
around here, huh?

Me!

So I'm deciding.

Pete, have Dwight
what's-his-name
pick the top .

Clayton,
finish arranging
this thing

without wasting
anymore of my time.

I don't want to hear
another word about

fancy restaurants
or fancy foods

or fancy table settings!

In fact, I don't
even want to hear you
speaking French,

'cause if you do,

I'm gonna put this
whole thing down
the porcelain fixture!

Got it?

Yes, sir.

I'm going upstairs
to take a nap.

You think that's
a silly idea, Clayton?

No, sir.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Oh, he...
He's really ticked.

Yeah, it's amazing, Clayton,
you really put your whole
leg in your mouth.

I broke your faucet.
Huh?

It got stuck so I gave
it a good yank.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

You need a new one,
anyway, man.
I'll be right back.

All righty.

(SCOFFS) There goes
another silly idea.

(MUMBLES) Clayton.

Turn this mansion
into a halfway house.

Clayton, Clayton.

Don't even dare
leave spare change
in my desk anymore.

(MUMBLES)

Excuse me. (CLEARS THROAT)

(DOOR OPENS)

Don't pay any
attention to him, Zeke.

That's okay, Benson.
I'm used to it.

Oh, Zeke, those waffles
were wundershoen.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, they were great.
Oh.

Thank you for making
my breakfast.

Oh, it was nothing.

Really excellent.
You did a fine job.

Uh, you know, Zeke,

Bob Landstrum's going
on vacation next week,

and we're short a man
on the bowling team.

Would you be interested?

Oh, not really.

Oh, we have lots
of fun. Last week,
some of the guys got crazy

und glued my boyfriend's
toupee to his bowling ball.

(LAUGHS)

I tried not to laugh,
but it was a hoot.

See, I don't know
anything about bowling.

I'd be out of place.

Ja, well,
it was just a thought.

Yeah, well,
I better get to work.

I'll see you later,
Gretchen.

Hi, Zeke.
Hey.

What's the matter
with Zeke?

Oh, I don't know, Benson.
He's so depressed.

I think he thinks
he doesn't fit in.

Well, I guess
it hasn't been
easy on him.

Good morning.

As a matter of fact,
I know it hasn't been
easy on him.

Someone to see you,
Miss Kraus.

Excuse me, Miss Kraus.
May I speak to you
for a minute?

Oh, sure.
Zeke's been fine.

Gets here early
every day, three weeks
perfect attendance.

Uh, Mr. Reynolds
has a little problem
with Zeke's parole.

Oh, no.

Is there anything
we can help with?

Well, as I was
telling Mr. Endicott,

Zeke is living
in this hotel,

and some of the residents
are known felons,

which is a violation
of Zeke's parole.

I know it's gonna take
him a couple of days
to find a new place,

but starting tonight,
he needs somewhere to stay.

Ja, that is a problem.

I have an idea.

What?

Well, until Zeke
finds a place to live,

he can stay
with you, Benson.

With me? Uh...

Sure, Benson.
Your condo's
got two bedrooms.

Look, Kraus...

After all, it was
you who said,

"The man stands
a lot better chance
of fitting into society

"if we give him
the help he needs."

Yeah, but...
And you said,

"What's the point
of having ideals unless
we practice them?"

All right,
all right, all right.
Zeke can stay with me.

Thanks, Benson.

But only until he finds
a place of his own.

I'll go tell him.

Oh, thank you, Benson.
That's wonderful.

Well, Benson,
now you and Zeke
can be real buddies.

(SNIFFS)

Hey, Benson.
You're home early, man.

Hey, Zeke.
So are you.

It's Wednesday,
my half day off.
Yeah.

What are you doing
with my shirts?

Well, I was washing
some of my things,

so I figured
I may as well wash
some of yours.

Oh, Zeke,
you got to stop doing

all these things
for me, man.

The other day
you washed
and waxed my car.

Last night
I'm trying
to watch Quincy,

you vacuumed
the whole house,

and now you're
doing my shirts.

All this doing for me
makes me nervous.

Sit down.
Why?

Because I cooked
a pot roast and some
vegetables for dinner.

For goodness sake,
Zeke.

And I'm gonna have
to do some grocery
shopping tomorrow.

Man, I ain't got nothing
left in here to cook.

Oh, Zeke, you don't
have to keep cooking
and scrubbing

and mopping
and waxing
and cleaning.

I know, man, I know.

I just want you
to like me.

Well, why wouldn't
I like you, man?

Because I'm a criminal.

You're not a criminal.

You did something,
you went to jail,

you did your time,
and now you're out.

I'm an ex-con.

That's gonna be with me
for the rest of my life.

Zeke, you can't think of
yourself as just an ex-con.

That's the way everybody
else thinks of me.

That's their problem.
You can't live your life by
what other people think.

Oh, come on, Benson.

Even Gretchen acts
a little different
when I'm around.

What's the matter?
You don't like broccoli?

Oh. Yeah.

Zeke...
Hmm.

Did you ever stop to think
that maybe people treat
you like an ex-con

because that's how
you think of yourself?

That's a good point.

I'll think about it, man.

Okay.
Just forget the ex-con.

Man, this meat is boss.

Where did you learn
to cook like this?

Prison.

Prison?
Yeah.

Must've been
a four-star prison.

Here, man,
have some potatoes.
Okay.

Whoa, baby, whoa!

Why'd you cook so much?
There's only two of us.

I'm used to cooking
for , men.

Well, I guess this
means we'll be having
a lot of leftovers, huh?

Oh.

What's that, Kraus?

It was a toaster.

t*rrorists got it, huh?

No, I took it apart.

Same thing.

Uh, Miss Kraus,
the reception is tomorrow,

and we have to decide
on the seating arrangements.

Have you ordered
the fresh flowers?

You got something
for me to fix,
Gretchen?

Do you mind not speaking
until I'm finished here?

I don't have that much time,
Mr. Endicott.

And I heard that.

(SCOFFS)
I would imagine

time is something
you know quite
a bit about.

Yeah? How's that?

Having done
so much of it.

Yeah, well,
better to do it
than to waste it.

I wouldn't have
missed this for
the world.

Uh, Clayton, I asked Zeke
to come und fix my toaster.

Kraus,
I'm not talking to you.

Hey, man,
I think you better
apologize to her.

Oh...

Uh, Zeke? Zeke?

Zeke, put him down, babe.

He shouldn't talk
to Gretchen that way.

Yeah, I know,
I know, I know.

But put him down, okay?
(GRUNTS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

I warned you
about that criminal.

He's not a criminal!
(GRUNTS)

You take that back!

Kraus,
put the man down,
will you?

I am going to go
and talk to Zeke,

und you stay out
of my sight.

Hmph!

Why is everybody
defending him?

He's the one
that was in prison.

People like you
won't let him forget it.

You can't get past
the label.

Benson, any reasonable man
would look at that person

and know that
he's a criminal type.

I'll bet you
I could prove you wrong.

You've got a bet.

$ says you can't
convince anyone

that Zeke Webster
is anything more
than a lowlife.

Okay, but let's
forget the $.

Let's make it
really interesting.

The loser has to take Pete
to lunch for a month.

And pick up the tab.

And he can't tell Pete why.

You're on.
(CHUCKLES)

Benson, you just
made a sucker bet.

Yes, I did,
and you walked
right into it.

Sir, it's going
pretty good, huh?

Never been so bored
in all my life.

Yeah, I know
what you mean.

I can't tell if the critics
are enjoying themselves.

They never smile.

Uh, sir, I'd like you
to meet the President
of IRCA, Monsieur Arnaud.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Gene Gatling.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

How do you do, Mr...

Mr. Arnaud.

I'm sorry.
I don't speak French.

(IN FRENCH ACCENT)
That is quite all right.
I speak excellent English.

Well, congratulations.

Are you enjoying the food?

Oh, not particularly,
Governor. (CHUCKLES)

However,
don't be disappointed.

It is very nice,
very pleasant, very...

Ordinary.

But we do appreciate
your hospitality.

Oh, thank you so much.

If you'll excuse us,
Governor.
Monsieur Arnaud?

Man, we bailed them
out of two world wars.

Yeah, and California
makes better wine.

And Italians
are better lovers.

What Italian?

No particular Italian.
All Italians.

Denise!

Well,
that's what I heard.

This is a disaster.
They don't like anything.

They're going to ruin us
in , periodicals
and newspapers

throughout the world.

BENSON:
Ladies and gentlemen...

Ladies and gentlemen
of the critics association,

may I have
your attention, please?

Oh, no,
what is Benson doing?

Oh, I don't know,
but I'm glad he's here.

Now maybe things
will liven up.

As you know,
this evening

Mr. Clayton Endicott III
has presented

some of the finest food
in our state.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Sure, blame it on me.

But now after
years of solitary
confinement practice...

...a new chef
is about to burst upon
the international scene.

What is he talking about?

Yes,
this is a private man,

a man whose cuisine
has been tasted

only by a select group
of , inmates,

men, people,

rarely seen outside in public.

What?

May I present
for your consideration

the gastronomical delights
of chef Ezekiel Webster?

(APPLAUSE)

We'll be the laughing stock
of the entire eating world.

Now, as I understand it,

Mr. Webster has prepared
for your delight

a zesty blend
of haricots rouge
et de viande

hachee dans une mixture
de sauce tomates de biere.

I call it chili.

I like that.

What the hell
are you doing?

Just go along, Kraus.

Our beautiful mademoiselle
Gretchen Kraus here,
Head of Household Affairs,

was just reminding me
that it was she

who discovered
the esteemed
Mr. Webster.

(CHUCKLES)
Monsieur...

DuBois.
Ah, DuBois.

Oui, oui, oui, oui.

In, uh, what category
does this Webster
perform his art?

In what category.

Well, I'm sure
you are familiar

with the category
nouvelle cuisine primitif.

Hmm. Nouvelle Primitif?

Oui, oui, monsieur.

Of course I am aware of it.
It was I that coined
the phrase.

Is that right?

Well, then let me leave you
in chef Webster's hands.

Here you go, mon-sewer.

Merci. Merci.

Uh, don't forget
to bring the spoon back.

Benson,
what are you doing?

I'm winning a bet.

These people think
they're meeting a great chef.

(SCOFFS)
You'll never get away with it.

Nouvelle primitif.

Whatever you call this,

this is the best
cotton-picking chili
I ever had.

You know,
we could've had a cookout.

Roasted marshmallows,
sung songs.

Oh, well, / hindsight.

Absolument magnifique.

But, Mr. DuBois,

you are not fooling me
with this man.

(CHUCKLES)
I knew it, I knew it.

The story
of solitary practice...

(LAUGHS) It is a lie.

This is no simple cook.

This man has studied with
the greatest chefs of Europe.

The subtlety
of his sauce is...

Without parallel.

Please, please, arretez.

Ladies and gentlemen,

you have just enjoyed

the creation of a master!

Well, Clayton,
anything to say?

Yes.

These critics are
a bunch of tasteless,
dim-witted toadies.

No, I meant about Zeke.

Well, you made your point,
Benson.

Perhaps I was a little
narrow-minded.

You aren't forgetting
the bet, are you?

No, I'm not
forgetting the bet.

Well?

Peter? (SIGHS)

What?

Are you free
for lunch tomorrow?

What?

I'm buying.

What?

Spare me the histrionics.
Can you make it?

(CHUCKLES)
What do I look like,
a jerk?

(LAUGHS)

Of course I can make it.

Good.

Come on, buddy,
let's go get some chili.

Denise?

Benson,
I want to thank you, man.

Sure, Zeke.
No, I mean it.

You really showed
me something.

Now it's not gonna be
so scary on the outside.

Gretchen, Benson,

I owe both of you so much.

I better get back
to my chili.

Oh, you know, Benson,

it's moments like this
when I say to myself,

"Gretchen, you really
are something else."

Maybe one of these days
science will discover what.

Oh, tie it in a knot,
Benson.

Thank you.

Benson, you better
get some chili before
they run out.

It's all right, sir.
We got enough for
, men in the kitchen.

You know that
ex-convict we hired?

Yeah?
That chef could be
his twin brother.

Hey, you guys.
How was lunch?

Oh, it was terrific.
Clayton took me to Snitty's.

Where he ate two steak
and lobster combinations.

Yeah, tomorrow he's gonna
buy me lunch again.

That's days in a row.

Is that right?

Well, you two guys
are becoming very close.

Yeah. Hey, Clayton
tomorrow let's try Antoine's.

I want to see what a $
hamburger tastes like.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Benson, I got
a letter from Zeke.

Oh, yeah? How is he?

Oh, he's just fine.

He loves his job
und he loves the
restaurant business.

I knew it would work out.

One thing though,
he's not too fond of Paris.

Well, he could have
taken the job he was
offered in Tokyo,

Brussels or Rome.

What is don't understand is
why he turned down the
job offer in Washington DC.

Oh, that's part of his parole.

He's not allowed
to associate with
known felons.