04x12 - The Honeymooners

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(OPENING THEME PLAYING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Good morning, Denise.

Good morning, Benson.

Oh, there isn't any coffee.
You have to have instant.

Where is Kraus?

Arnold took her out
to breakfast.

Doesn't that
sound romantic?

Yeah, prune juice,
bran flakes, and Kraus.

That's the stuff
they write songs about.

What are you reading?

Oh, it's called
Little-known Facts.

Did you know they found
traces of beeswax

in Napoleon's hair?

Oh, yeah?
Well, in those days,

they didn't have
Grecian Formula.

(CHUCKLES)

Did you know
that in America,

a woman gives birth
every three-and-a-half
minutes?

She must be exhausted.

Oh, Benson.

Ask me more.
Ask me more.

(SCATTING)

Ah! Do svidanya, tovarich!
I'm off to Russia.

Well,
our gain is their loss.

I see.
You're jealous because
the Governor chose me

to go to Russia
instead of you.

Oh, sure, Clayton,

winter in Leningrad
has always been my idea
of the dream vacation.

Clayton,
I just got off the phone

with the
President's people...
Yes sir.

And they want you
to know you'll have
a -hour layover

in Thule, Greenland.

Oh, sh**t!
Clayton has all the fun.

Anyway, Clayton,
have a good time.

Thank you, sir.
I intend to.

I won't be spending
all my time in meetings,
you know.

I plan to do
a little shopping,
a little sight-seeing.

Is there anything
you'd like me to do
while I'm in Russia?

Defect.

GOVERNOR:
No, thank you, Clayton.

Just get the work done
and enjoy yourself.

Thank you, sir.
Well, I'll see you
in a month.

Do svidanya!

BENSON: Do svidanya!

Isn't that amazing,
flying halfway
around the world?

Yep, yep.

Did you ever stop to think
what it would have been like

if the Pilgrims
had come by airplane

instead of
on the Mayflower?

We'd be eating
Thanksgiving dinner out
of little plastic trays.

Good morning, Governor!

Good morning, Benson!

What'd you do?
Go to a pancake house
with a happy hour?

I have some good news
und some bad news.

What is it,
Miss Kraus?

The good news is,
that in one month,

Gretchen Kraus
will disappear forever.

Und the bad news is...

Forget the bad news.
Let's celebrate!

(LAUGHS)

What do you mean
"disappear"?

Arnold and I
have set the date.

We're getting married!

Oh...
Oh, Kraus...

Oh, congratulations!
That makes me so happy.

Thank you.

Soon I will be
Mrs. Arnold Lumditter.

Well, what's the bad news?

How would you like
to be known as
Mrs. Arnold Lumditter?

You think Benson DuBois
is some kind of poetry?

So, the bad news is
that after the wedding,

I won't be living
at the mansion anymore.

Oh, well, in that case,

a toast to the good news

and the bad news!

Gee, Miss Kraus,
I think it's neat that
you're making your own gown.

KRAUS: Oh, Benson,
I'm glad you're here.
I need to talk to you.

Oh, we were just
working on Gretchen's
wedding dress.

So, what do you think?

I think it's lovely,
Kraus.

What are you wearing
for a veil, a shopping bag?

Dummy,
this isn't the dress.
It's a pattern.

Oh.

But you can tell it's gonna
be really outstanding.
BENSON: Mmm.

I have wanted to be
married in a dress
like this all my life.

It was a very popular style
when I was a little girl.

I'm sure it was.

But haven't styles
changed a little bit

since the discovery
of fire?

Gretchen, there's a lot
of detail on this gown.

Are you sure
you're gonna
finish it in time?

Oh, don't worry.

We will be married
on the th.

Just like my parents,
my grandparents,
und my great-grandparents.

They were all married
on the same day.

I hope they got
a group rate
on the honeymoon.

Denise, did you finish
those committee reports?

Oh, yeah. They should
be ready by now.
Come on, Katie.

Oh, by the way, I've been
a bridesmaid before,

so if you have
any questions,
feel free to ask.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, wait a minute, Benson.

I need to talk to you
about my marriage.

I think I owe you
an explanation.

You don't owe me
an explanation, Kraus.

Love is blind.
Uh, no... (CHUCKLES)

What I mean is, it's going
to be a small ceremony.

Arnold has
very little family,

und my family is all here
at the mansion,

so since Papa
can't be here
to give me away,

I need someone else.

Oh, Kraus, believe me,
I'd be thrilled to give
you away.

Oh, I feel terrible.
I knew you'd
be disappointed.

I asked the Governor.

Well,
I think the Governor's
a great choice.

Thank you for...
For pretending
you're not upset.

I'm not upset.
You'll get over it.

I'm already over it.

I'm so sorry, Benson.

Kraus, don't apologize.

But I know how hurt
you must feel.

The Governor
is giving me away,
Pete is Arnold's best man,

Katie und Denise
are bridesmaids,

Clayton is off in Russia.

There's nothing left
for you to do.

Oh, believe me,
sweetheart,
I appreciate it.

Come on,
don't worry about me.

This is your day,
yours and Arnold's.
Enjoy.

(CHUCKLING) Ja.

I'm the luckiest woman
in the world.

(SING-SONG VOICE)
You certainly are.

(IN NORMAL VOICE)
It's not like she landed
Tom Selleck.

Okay, now,
Benson, do you have
the revenue figures?

No, I have the
employment figures.

But I need
the revenue figures.

Then why did you ask
for the employment figures?

Oh, because I didn't realize
that the employment figures

wouldn't make
any sense until I saw
the revenue figures.

I put the horse
before the cart.

As far as I know,
that's where
the horse belongs.

Oh, then you agree with me.

I'll get
the revenue figures.

Uh, excuse me, Governor,
may I talk to you?

Will you be long, Benson?

Two minutes tops.

Come on in,
Miss Kraus.

Uh, thank you, sir.

It's, um,
it's about the guest list
for the wedding.

Oh, you can invite
as many people
as you like.

Oh, it's not
a bigger list, sir,
it's a smaller one.

Oh, well,
who won't be coming?

Arnold.

Oh, that's too bad.

You mean Arnold the groom?

Ja. Unfortunately,
his aunt Lerline d*ed.

She was very close to Arnold
und his mother,

so they have to leave town
tonight for the funeral.

Oh, then you'll be postponing
the wedding.

No, oh, no.
We're going ahead with it.

It's just that Arnold und
his family won't be there.

Oh, well,
half a wedding's
better than none.

Tomorrow is the traditional
Kraus family wedding day.

I don't want to break
the tradition,

und I sure don't want
to wait for another year.

(CHUCKLES)

So Arnold agreed
that we should go ahead
with a proxy marriage.

Now, all we have
to do is find someone
to sign the forms

und stand in for the groom.

Miss Kraus,
I would be happy
to marry you.

Oh, thank you, sir,
but I wanted you
to give me away.

Well, then,
who will be the groom?

Two minutes exactly.
How's that for timing?

Just relax, Benson,
because there is nothing
to be nervous about.

Pete! Pete! Pete!

I assure you
I'm not nervous.
It's not my wedding

I don't know
you seem a little jumpy.

That's because
you're irritating me.

I've never done this before.

Not true.
You often irritate me.

Oh! Let me ask you
one more question.

Before the reception,
after the ceremony,

I can't decide
between two toasts.

Now read them.
Okay.

This is, uh...

This is Number .

"To Gretchen and Arnold,
together at last.

"May they always go bowling
as they did in the past."

You wanna hear Number ?

No, Number is still
singing in my ears.

Thanks, Benson.

That's my favorite, too.
Mmm-hmm.

Stop, stop!

Well, that was a heck
of a ceremony, wasn't it?

Oh, Judge, we haven't
had the ceremony yet.

Are you sure?

Of course he's sure.
He's the groom.

Well, then,
I shouldn't be drinking
this champagne,

and you should be
signing these papers.

(SIGHS)

Oh, Benson.
What are you
doing out here?

You're supposed
to be inside.

I got to sign
these papers
for the Judge.

Well, hurry up
because Miss Kraus
is coming.

You're not supposed to see
her before the ceremony.
It's bad luck.

(CHUCKLES)
Before, during, after.
It's all the same.

Oh, I'm a nervous wreck.

MAN: Good evening.
Good evening.

(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

Say, don't I know you two?

Have you ever
been in the hallway?

Oh, right, right.

Now, which one of you
is the groom again?

He is.

(HERE COMES THE BRIDE PLAYING)

Kraus,
you look lovely.

Ja, I'm sweating
like a horse.

I tried.

We are gathered together
on this happy occasion

to join two people
in the honorable
estate of marriage.

(BLOWS NOSE LOUDLY)

"On behalf
of the bride and groom,

"I wish to extend
a warm welcome

"to those who have
assembled here

"to witness
this ceremony
of matrimony.

"If any of you know
any just or legal reason

"why these two should
not be thus joined,

"you may speak now
or forever hold your peace."

Do you, Gretchen Kraus,

take this man
to be your lawfully
wedded husband,

to love and obey
in sickness and in health

till death do you part?

I do.

Oh, my Lord!

And do you,
Benson DuBois,

take this woman to be
your lawfully wedded wife,

to love and obey
in sickness and in health

till death do you part?

Answer the question.

Yeah, I guess.
(CHUCKLES)

You guess what?

I guess I do.

Then by the authority
vested in me,

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

(GROANS)

You may kiss the bride.

I may, but I won't.

Kraus, I hope that
you and Arnold

eventually become
very happy.

Who's Arnold?

He's the groom.
(CHUCKLES)

I thought your name
was Benson.

Benson standing in
for Arnold.

Who's Arnold?

Judge, this is
a proxy wedding.

"Proxy?"

I don't know what the hell
you're talking about.

What are you
talking about?

Are you Gretchen Kraus?

Ja.

Are you Benson DuBois?

Yes!

Then according to the laws
of this great state,

you are now
Mr. and Mrs. Benson DuBois.

Well, let me see
if I understand this.

You can understand it
from here to
the Fourth of July.

I am not his wife.

Believe me, Kraus,
this is the last thing
in the world anybody wants.

So, there was some mistake
in the paperwork?

There's no mistake.

She signed
where the bride signs,

he signed where
the groom signs.

Judge, if you'll allow me,
I think I can settle this.

Do you have a copy
of the license application?

Of course.
I know my job.

Clayton,
what are you doing?

Just let me handle this.

I'm in enough trouble,
babe.

Benson, I have the answer.
I'll stake my life on it.

You're on.

(STUTTERS) Your honor,
the names indicated
on this document

are the actual
married couple,
correct?

Yes.
Hmm.

And, Miss Kraus,
you personally
filled out the names

on this document,
correct?

Ja, I put Gretchen
und Arnold.

Then there is
absolutely no problem.

This document
is the official legal,
binding instrument

under the law.

"Name of bride,
Gretchen Kraus.

"Name of groom,
Benson DuBois."

Give me that!

"Name of bride,
Gretchen Kraus.

"Name of groom,
Benson DuBois."

Give me that!

Whoops.

I filled it out wrong.

I made Arnold the witness
und Benson the groom.

Give me that!

Kraus, this is
the stupidest, dumbest,

most incompetent thing
you have ever done!

They shouldn't
have gotten married

if they're gonna
fight like this.

We are not married!

I'm sorry, Benson,
but in the eyes of the law,
you are man and wife.

You signed that paper.

I didn't sign
this paper.

Oh, no?

Then whose signature
is that under "groom"?

I don't know.
You think we can get
a handwriting expert?

Are you going
to deny that
this is your signature?

Would that work?

Benson, didn't you read
this before you signed it?

You didn't give me a chance.
As soon as the Judge
handed it to me,

you rushed me
into the living room!

Oh, so now it's my fault
you're stuck with Kraus.

Governor!

Uh, Judge, isn't there
some way we can
straighten this out?

I'll make a few phone calls
and undo the damage.

Und then I will be married
to Arnold and not to Benson?

No. But by Monday,
you won't be married
to Benson, either.

Monday?

He can't do anything
until the hall of records
opens on Monday morning.

But what are we
supposed to do now?

We could go pick out
a silver pattern.

Honey, I'm home.

Not funny, Benson.

I don't find
any of this funny.

Have you told Arnold yet?

Yeah, I reached
him last night.

He thinks it's funny, too,
that bozo.

He knows he's off the hook
for another year.

Are you trying to tell me
you won't be around

for our first anniversary?

Oh, anniversary! Huh!

Any minute that Judge
is going to call up

and say he has this
whole mess straightened out.

(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
Maybe so, but until then,

you're still my missus.

Put it in a sock.

Do this mean, Ruby,
that their honeymoon am over?

Don't you have
any work to do?

(IN NORMAL VOICE)
All right, okay.

Oh, by the way, pumpkin,

last night...

...was wonderful!

Ohh!

Oh, Benson, Miss Kraus,

I just got off the phone
from Judge Tuttle's office.

And?

The Judge won't be
coming in today.

He better have
a darn good excuse.

He d*ed.

All right,
before the Judge
gets in here,

I need you both to sign
this property settlement.

"Property settlement"?
It was her fault.

I'm not giving her a dime.

Benson, this is
only a formality.

The document states
that she keeps the property

she had before the marriage,
you keep the property you had
before the marriage.

What about
the children?

(SIGHS)

One more wisecrack
like that,

und you can forget
about children!

As your legal counsel,

I would strongly advise
that you cut down
on this squabbling

when Judge Watson
gets in here.

Where is she, anyway?

You told us
this would take
five minutes.

She's in court,
Franklin vs. Franklin,

a very messy custody battle.

You probably
read about it.

It involves
a female Pomeranian.

Oh, good.
We're all here.

I'm sorry to have
taken so long,

but the Franklins are
having such problems.

Now, uh,
who do we have here?

Your honor, this is
a petition for annulment.

Oh, yes! The DuBois.

I read the petition
last night.

Very nice piece of work,
Mr. Endicott.

Thank you, Your Honor.

And if I had a month off,

I might have
finished reading it.

(FAKE LAUGHS)

Uh, Your Honor,
we realize that you're
a very busy woman.

We don't want to waste
any of your valuable time.

Oh, that's all right,
Mr. Endicott.

I've cleared a couple
of hours for this case.

A-ha.

This is just
a straightforward annulment.

It's only a paper marriage.

Mr. Endicott, I've been
on the bench for six years.

When I became a judge,

I promised myself that
I would use my position

to strengthen the bonds
of matrimony.

I simply want to ensure

that both parties
desire this annulment.

I desire it, she desires it.
We're filled with desire.

Your Honor, may I have
a word with my client?

Go right ahead.

Thank you so much.

Come here.

Benson, these outbursts
are going to make
my job very difficult.

It wouldn't hurt
to smile a little,

be friendly to the judge.

Well, I'm not trying
to pick her up, Clayton.

I simply want her
to sign the annulment.

Benson,
do you want
this annulment?

Did E.T. want to go home?

Then I suggest
you button it up.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Thank you, your honor.

Yeah, thanks.

Er, now, I have a question
for Mrs. DuBois.

Whatever happened
to first names?

She's her own person,
you know.

That's a commendable attitude,
Mr. DuBois.

Gretchen,
have you and your husband

made a sincere effort
to work your problems out?

(CHUCKLES)
What's to work out?

We've been arguing
since the first day we met.

Ah! Perhaps you might be
interested in a few months

of marriage counseling?

Your Honor,
we're not
even interested

in a few months
of marriage.

(GROANS)

Benson.

Mr. DuBois,
Look at your wife.

She's grief-stricken
by your separation.

The problem is
we're not separated.

Oh, so you're still
living together?

Oh, no, no, no, no.
We've never lived together.

Oh, ja, well, we did
for a while at the mansion.

Kraus, you're not helping.

Of course, that was
before we were married.

Good save.

Let me ask
another question.

Mr. and Mrs. DuBois...

Ja?

Kraus, don't go getting
comfortable with my name.

Benson,
let the judge speak.

I'll be as delicate
as I can.

Is this a racial problem?

In a way.

I always dreamed
I'd marry someone
from the human race.

I never should have
asked you to be the groom.

Then why on earth did you?

Because you were
the only one who
didn't have a job!

Oh, you're unemployed!

So that's it.
Money problems.

"Unemployed"? Your Honor,
do you know who I am?

Yes. You're Mr. DuBois,
she's Mrs...

No, no, no! Don't say it,
don't say it, don't say it!

Mr. DuBois,
I should warn you.
I'm wearing a p*stol.

Uh, Your Honor,
in the interest of clarity...

We have had enough
of your clarity.
I'll tell this.

No, I'm the one
who should start it.

You usually do.

Well, we never would
have been in this fix

if you hadn't been
so stupid as to sign
in the wrong place!

The only stupid thing
I'm guilty of is marrying you.

It just goes to show
how dumb you really are.

I'm not as dumb as Arnold.

He would have
married you for real.

How would you like
to swallow a gavel?

It's as close to edible
as anything else
you've ever fed me.

Don't start on my cooking!

I wouldn't do anything
on your cooking.

May I say something?

BOTH: No!

I'm so sick of this,
Benson.

You insult my cooking,
you insult my looks,

you insult
the way I dress.

What are you
complaining about?
Did I miss something?

That's it.
I don't need
this annulment.

I'm about
to become a widow!

Ohhh.

It's all right,
domestic squabble.

Oh, but you might go upstairs
and check on Judge Alison.

Is he all right?

Yeah, I think
he just fainted.

Well, you'll be
delighted to know

I've decided to grant you
the annulment.

I have never seen such
irreconcilable differences
in my life!

You mean
we're no longer married?

As of this date,
you were never married.

Oh, Benson!

Kraus!

(GROANING)

What happened?

Annie Oakley decided
to give us the annulment.

Oh, well, congratulations.
You're free to go
your separate ways.

And I will be sending you
a bill for my services.

A bill?

I thought you were
doing this out of the
goodness of your heart.

That was before
the sh**ting started.

Well, Benson,

what would you have done,

if we had had to stay married?

Well, Kraus, I'm afraid
I would have had to insist

that you fulfill
your wifely obligations.

I'd die first.

If I'd known that,
I would never have
given you a divorce.