04x18 - Calamity Kraus

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNIFFS)

Do me a favor... Does this
Sardine look okay to you?

Well, it's hard to tell.
Is it running a fever?

What the heck.

Where did you learn to eat,
SeaWorld?

Out of the way, Benson.

Why don't you carry a purse,
Kraus, like other women?

I got this new garbage can
for Pete.

Thanks a lot, Kraus.

I'm gonna get this over
to my office.

I can't wait
to try it out.

Hey, hey,
you forgot your lunch.

Oh, thanks.

That guy
really has class.

So, Benson,

how would you like
a nice cheeseburger for lunch,

with a slice of raw onion
und fresh tomato

und a delicious
potato salad?

That sounds great.
Thanks, Kraus.

It's a special at
the Melody Cafe today.

Enjoy yourself.

I must be getting tired.
I didn't see that coming.

Sir,
I didn't insult him.

Oh, yes, you did.

Well, it wasn't meant
as an insult.

Benson,
you're a narrow-minded,
unreasonable manipulator.

Now, wait a minute.
What did I do?

See? Benson thinks
it's an insult.

All right, all right,
so I insulted Fred Crandall.

He's still going to pull
the Sunshine Toaster Company

out of this state
and move it to Singapore.

Wait a minute.
He can't do that, can he?

Doesn't he have to abide
by the stockholders' vote?

Oh, he's more
than happy to.

Well, their corporate
report says

he only holds
% of the stock.

Yes, but he also
holds the proxy to

J.B. Gallagher's %.
Which gives him a majority,

so he can do
anything he wants to.

And since it was his idea
to move the company...

We can kiss
our toasters goodbye.

And jobs.

Well, did anybody try to go
over Crandall's head

to J.B. Gallagher
in person?

Now, that's a good idea.
Clayton?

Oh, really.

To a billionaire
like J.B. Gallagher,

Sunshine Toasters
is small change.

I'm sure she's not even aware
she holds the stock.

In that case, I think we
should try to contact her.

Benson, you know nothing about
how the very rich live.

They surround themselves
with toadies.

You'll never get through
to her.

Where does she live?

She lives outside Houston,

in a little town
called Gallagher.

Sure, when she's not
at her villa in Mallorca,

her town house in Boston,
or her ski lodge in Vail.

Yes, operator,
could you get me
a listing for J.B. Gallagher

in Gallagher, Texas,
please?

Benson,
you are so stubborn.

I guarantee you
the number is not listed.

Yes, well, thank you.

Hmm, well, that number
is probably her lawyer's

or her business manager's
or her tennis pro's
or whatever.

Hello.

I'd like to speak
to J.B. Gallagher, please.

(SNICKERS)
You're wasting your time.

Well, I didn't expect you
to answer in person.

Is it Miss or Mrs.?

"Judy Bob."

Well, sure, I'd be happy
to call you Judy Bob.

And you can
call me Benson.

Listen, Judy Bob,
if you have a few minutes,

I'd like to talk to you

about a company called
Sunshine Toasters.

Yes, I'll wait while you put
your things in the drier.

(CRYING)

Is there someone
in the bathroom?

WOMAN: Yes.

Are you all right?

Does it sound like
I'm all right?

Wanna talk about it?

Okay. Come on in.
(DOOR UNLOCKS)

No, I think you
better come out.

Have a seat.

What seems to be
the problem?

Pete. He's a selfish,
inconsiderate slob.

Yeah, well, Pete is
a little immature.

That's not a very nice
thing to say.

Well, you just called him
"a selfish,
inconsiderate slob".

Well, it's different.
I'm in love with him.

Denise, I think you
better talk this over
with another woman.

Or Kraus.

Benson, I need a man's
point of view.

We go out
on a date,

I drive,

we go to
a movie,

I pay.

So I ask him for
one little favor,

have dinner with my parents.
And you know what he says?

No way, Jose.

Well, I can certainly see
why you're in love with him.

Benson, what do men
really want from women?

Well...

What do men "really want"?

Sex, right?

Well, no... No...

No, they want
more than that.

You're not
fooling us.

Benson, could I see you
for a moment?

Yes, come on in, Governor.
I could use a friendly face.

Okay, Clayton,
come on in.

Benson, Clayton tells me
that you don't want him

at this first meeting
with J.B. Gallagher.

And I'm the expert
on Sunshine Toasters, sir.

Don't forget that.
I'm the expert.

And he's the expert.

Governor, for this
first meeting with Judy Bob,

I would rather not
bother her with
a lot of technical detail.

But it is not detail.
It's important information.

Be that as it may,

I have established a pretty
good rapport with Judy Bob

on the phone,
and I'd rather
strengthen that

before I hit her with
important information.

All right, Benson,
I trust your judgment.

I'm sorry, Clayton.

You're gonna have to
sit this one out.

May I be
at the second meeting?

Yes.

WOMAN: (TEXAS ACCENT) Howdy!

Anybody home?

What is going on
around here?

I'm looking
for Benson DuBois.

Any one
of you birds him?

What is the meaning
of this masquerade?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't introduce myself.

I'm Judy Bob Gallagher.

Woman,
you're about two inches
from a straitjacket.

Miss Kraus,
are you all right?

(LAUGHS) Were you boys sucking
on a jerk before I got here?

Kraus, get out of that
ridiculous costume

and go on back
to the kitchen.

Who is this Kraus?

I'm Kraus.
Who wants to know?

It's amazing how much
she looks like Miss Kraus.

Governor,
if you don't mind,

I'm gonna take
a couple of days off.

Benson, what's the matter
with you?

Ever since lunch,
you've been acting strange.

Did you watch Judy Bob?
She can't keep her
hands off me.

Well, she's just
being friendly.

Friendly?

Clayton, when a woman
touches your arm,

she's saying,
"Let's be friends."

When she squeezes
your knee... Eh?

Benson, she is
a single woman.

Now.

But she's been
married times.

Maybe she's interested
in you for number .

I don't think
that's funny.

Benson, Benson,
turn on the charm.

Forget it.

Do you want
the Toaster Company
to remain in this state?

Is the president
bowlegged?

You'd better flatter, flirt...
Neck, if necessary.

I'll be in my office.

Hey there, honey.

I'll bet you boys
were looking for me.

Sorry, we took so long.

We had to stop at the airport
and pick up Lyndon.

I don't go anywhere
without Lyndon.

Judy Bob,
I think he likes me.

Lyndon, honey,
this here is the governor,

and this is slim.

And this cute little cupcake
is Benson.

(SQUAWKS)
Give me a kiss.

That was Lyndon
who wanted the kiss.

Uh, Judy Bob,
uh, please, come sit down.

Why, thank you, slim.
You're a real gentleman.

GOVERNOR:
So, Judy Bob,

am I correct in assuming
that you're going to help us

keep the Sunshine Toaster
Company in our state?

You're darn tootin'.

I don't want Americans
out of work.

I'll instruct Crandall
to vote my proxy

in favor of staying
in this state.

Well, you know,
that's great news,

because I've got a lot of work
piling up in my office.

And if you don't mind,
Judy Bob,

I'm gonna be
moseying along.

Whoa, there, cupcake.

There is one thing.

According to my tally,
Judy Bob,

your proxy alone
is not enough to
swing the vote.

However, if you
were to appear in
front of the board

in person...

I'd get the strays
back in the herd?

Ha ha, exactly.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, now, slim, that's worth
discussing over dinner.

Oh, well,
that would be my pleasure.

Not you, slim...
Cupcake.

Well, actually, see,
I'm not allowed
to have dinner.

Doctor's orders.

Benson.

Clayton.

Are you boys
fighting over me?

You might say that.

Well, you can hang up
your spurs, slim.

You ain't got a chance.

This cowpoke's the most man
I've met in many a year.

You've met
most of them, huh?

(LAUGHS)

Benson.

Damn, he's not only
cute and sexy...

He's funny, too!

Ain't that so, Governor?

Oh...

We enjoy him.

Well, I'll send my car
for you around :.

Ow!

We'll find us
a cozy spot.

Adios, cupcake.

Cupcake.

Shut up, Pete.

(SQUAWKS)
Hello, cupcake.

How would you like to be
surrounded by potatoes?

Good morning.

So, Benson,

I hear you und Judy Bob
went for Chinese last night.

Where did you hear that?

It's right here,
in Capital Chatter.

"What budget director
was seen holding hands
last night

"with a famous Texas
millionairess

"at Mandarin Mike's?"

I wasn't holding hands
with her.

I was teaching her
how to use chopsticks.

Forget it, Benson.
It's all over town.

You two
are linked romantically.

Look, they even got
a photograph.

Say, that's
a good-looking woman.

Let me see that.

Today Capital Chatter,

tomorrow
the National Enquirer.

"Judy Bob Gallagher
nightclubbing

"with her current amour,
Benson DuBois."

Where do they get that
"current amour" business?

I wrote it.

I think it makes you sound
like a dashing young bachelor.

You wrote it?

Yeah, I... Is that
a problem?

Why, good morning, honey.

Oh, I guess you two want
to be alone, huh?

I'll get out of here.

Judy Bob,
I'm glad you dropped by.

We've got to discuss this.

I saw it. Now, don't,
don't propose to me.

I'd have to
turn you down.

You see, I just found me
number .

What did you do, have room
service send somebody up?

Mmm-hmm.
I'm on my way to Kuwait.

There's an oil prince there,
suddenly become single.

I'm off
to the airport now.

Yeah, but, Judy Bob,
if you're not here,

I'm afraid we won't
be able to sway

the members of the board.

Honey, you're
talking toasters.
I'm talking love.

But don't you worry,
sugar.

There's always number .

Benson, did you hear?
Judy Bob Gallagher...

I know.
She just left.

But don't panic.
Now, I have a plan.

Okay.

We dress Miss Kraus
up to look like
Judy Bob Gallagher,

and we fool everybody
at the meeting.

That's your plan?
Yeah!

Now can I panic?

All right, now, this is a list
of Judy Bob's holdings.

You might want to familiarize
yourself with that.

Oh, here is
an interesting article

on import-export tariffs.

I have underlined
some of the salient points.

Clayton, I've only got
about an hour and minutes.

Just give me the basics.

I don't have time to cram
for a final exam.

Don't snap at me, Benson.
This wasn't my dumb plan.

Well, it certainly wasn't
my dumb plan.

Well, whose dumb plan was it?

Actually,
it was my dumb plan.

Oh, well,
let's work out the details.

Yes, I thought
we'd begin

by my briefing you
on the board of directors...

Crandall, Randall,
and Daniel.

Crandall is the big guy,
although Randall is taller.

And Daniel is short,
with a mustache.

I see.

No, uh, now Crandall
has the mustache.

Randall has the glasses.
Daniel I have never met.

Well, I've met Daniel
and Randall.

Of course,
Crandall I've only
read about.

Well, gentlemen,
I'm afraid I'm lost already.

I don't even remember
why we were having
this conversation.

Board of directors.

I certainly am.

Look, let's do
this logically.

No, let's do it simply.
Just tell me
their first names.

Fred.

Crandall.
Right.

And Randall?
Right.

Right what?

Fred.

Crandall and Randall
have the same first name.

As Daniel.

They all three have
the same first name.

Good, at last
we've got that straight.

Listen, everybody.

I've been practicing
my Texas accent.

Uh, I thought
it was agreed

that you weren't
going to speak.

Well, this is just in case
of an emergency.

Okay, listen to this.

(SAME VOICE)
Howdy, partner.

Well, that's great,
except it doesn't sound
like Judy Bob.

Fine. Get Rich Little.

Gretchen, we found a cowgirl
outfit that will fit.

Uh, that is a little gaudy,
isn't it?

Where did you get
that thing?

A buddy of mine went
to a Halloween party

dressed as
Tammy Wynette.

You must have
a fascinating private life.

Yeah, this is cute.

Gretchen, I think
you should try it on,

just in case
we have to alter it.

Oh, ja.
Benson, can I use
your bathroom?

BENSON: Sure.
Thank you.

Hey, be careful, now.
Don't ruin my buddy's dress.

Ja, ja, ja.

Daddy, you know,

they're not gonna believe
Miss Kraus is Judy Bob.

Oh, so you think it's
a dumb plan, too, huh?

No, I'm talking
about Lyndon.

I thought they were
all named Fred.

Benson,
Lyndon is the parrot.

Oh, my lord.
We don't have a parrot!

Glad to be
of some help.

She's right.
We've got to get a parrot!

I know where
we can get a parrot.

There's a Romanian guy
lives downstairs from me.

He's got a parrot.

I take it back.

Your private life
isn't fascinating.

It's silly.

Give the Romanian whatever
he wants, but get that parrot.

I'm on my way.

WOMAN: Yahoo!

Congratulations,
Miss Kraus.

You're beginning to sound
like a Texan.

That was me.
I sat on a spur.

A common
household accident.

Oh, Benson,
the dress fits perfectly.

Here's your stapler back.
Wait till you see.

(CHUCKLES)
Come on out, Kraus.

KRAUS: I'm not coming out.
I look stupid.

It never stopped you before.

All right, all right,
I'm coming out.

But none of your
smart remarks, Benson.

Well, do I look like
Judy Bob Gallagher?

No, Kraus, you look like
$ worth of junk jewelry.

That's it.
I'm going back in.

Oh, you can't.

We don't have another outfit
that will fit.

I got it. I got it.

The parrot.

There's only one problem.
What's that?

He's stuffed.

Good, then we don't
have to feed it.

I mean he's stuffed.

You brought us
a dead parrot?

How was I to know?

All this time, I thought
he was just being quiet.

Oh, Pete,
Lyndon was always talking.

He was always
saying things like...

(AS LYNDON)
"(SQUAWKS) Lyndon's a pretty
boy," and, "Hello, Daddy."

Do that again.

Hello, Daddy.

Denise,
that gives me an idea.

Gretchen, does Katie still
have that walkie-talkie?
Ja.

We can put a walkie-talkie
in Pete's jacket,

and he can carry
the bird.

We can put Denise
in the governor's closet

with another
walkie-talkie,

and she can pretend to be
the parrot's voice.

Hey, that's a good plan,
Benson!

Don't do that, Pete.

That is a good plan,
Benson.

There's just one thing
that worries me.

What's that?

I'm beginning to think
like the governor.

Benson, I think
somebody ought to tell

Clayton and the governor
what we're doing.

There's no time.
They're having lunch
with the board of directors.

Okay, let's test it.

Okay.

(AS LYNDON)
Lyndon's a pretty boy.
(SQUAWKS)

Okay,
that sounds great.

GOVERNOR:
All right, gentlemen,
I hope you enjoyed your lunch.

So, why don't we just
step into my office?

Katie, into the closet.

Pete, keep your bird up.

Kraus, you've got
a terrible look on your face.

You're right.
There's nothing
we can do about it.

Okay, Governor,
come on in.

Thank you, Benson.

Ah, Mr. Randall.

Crandall.

That's right, Crandall,
with the mustache.

And you are...
Randall.

Right.

Mr. Daniel.
Call me Fred.

I was planning to.

Yes, I'd like
for you to meet...

Pete Downey and Lyndon.

And, of course,
you know Mrs. Gallagher.

Never had the pleasure.

Nor I.

We met once.
Hello, Judy Bob.

Ah, ah...

I'd like for you
to meet Clayton.

We've met.

Well, Clayton,
meet Judy Bob.

Ah, howdy, Judy Bob.
Are you enjoying your visit?

Ah, ah...

Thanks a lot, Clayton.

This is Lyndon.

DENISE:
Hello, Mr. Endicott.

Very smart bird.

Uh, gentlemen,
why don't we...

Get down to business?

Well, gentlemen,
as you know,

we are here
to talk toasters.

Toasters, broasters,
waffle irons...

What we're talking about
is commerce.

DENISE: I don't get it.

Uh, quiet, Lyndon.
Mr. Randall is speaking.

I'm Crandall.

Oh. Well, anyway,
Fred has the floor.

I think I have made my
position more than clear.

I'd like to hear
what Judy Bob has to say.

Me too.

I'm for that.

Well, uh,
I think Judy Bob's, uh,

written statement
on the subject

covers the point
quite adequately.

Ja.

I mean, yep.

I cannot get over
that bird knowing my name.

Look, Judy Bob,

Fred is just trying to make
the company more profitable.

As a stockholder,
I'm sure you understand that.

And frankly,
Fred and I agree with Fred.

Well, good.

Gentlemen, can we get down
to discussing the jobs?

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

My arm is going numb.

Well, put the bird
on your other arm.

Well, I can't.
He's... Asleep right now.

He was just talking.

He talks in his sleep.

Forget about the bird,

and let's talk about
the toaster factory.

Thank you.

Sound asleep.

Uh, perhaps we should hear
from Mr. Randall.

To tell you the truth,
I'm on the fence.

I could go either way.

If Judy Bob feels
strongly about asking me
to vote with her,

then I'll vote with her.

Me, too.

Well, uh, be assured
she does feel strongly.

I'd like to hear it
from her.

You mean have her
say it?

Out loud?

Judy Bob,
do you honestly believe

it would be better
to keep the factory here?

Just say yep
or nope.

Let her answer.

Do you want us to cancel
the Singapore move?

Uh, uh...

You bet your boots,
buckaroo!

Then, I'm with Judy.

And I'm with Fred.

And I'm outvoted.

And I'm amazed.

And the factory
stays here.

Well, that's fine!
Yeah!

I'm glad that's settled.

Judy Bob,
no hard feelings.

Can I get you
a drink?

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Judy Bob has
a plane to catch.

Pete, Clayton,

let's get Judy Bob on
that plane pronto, forthwith.

So long, Judy Bob.

(SNEEZES)

Keep your bird warm.

Auf wiedersehen.

"Auf wiedersehen"?

She gets around.

Well, gentlemen,
thank you so much
for coming by

and for all the help
you have given our state.

Let's get back to
the office and start
charting a new course.

Mr. DuBois.

Goodbye, Fred. Goodbye, Fred.
Goodbye, Fred.

Well, Benson, do you still
think it was a dumb idea?

Well, Governor,
after all I've done today,

I have no room to talk.

Can we come out now?

Sure, Katie.
Denise, that was wonderful.

Oh, it was fun, Benson.
Here's your walkie-talkie,
Katie.

Oh, thanks, Denise.

What was that all about?

Well, that was my part
of the dumb plan.

That was Denise in the closet
there with a walkie-talkie.

That was her voice
you heard.

That was Denise?

Oh, I see!

So that way, Miss Kraus
didn't have to talk at all.

(CHUCKLES)

Why didn't I think of that?

Here's your mail, Benson.

Well, thank you, Denise.

By the way,
how did things work out
with you and Pete?

Oh, everything's great.

Judy Bob gave me some
advice about men.

Mmm? That's like
getting diet tips from
Elizabeth Taylor.

Judy Bob says,
"Men are like boots,

"Once you wear the heel out,
you might as well
throw 'em away."

You believe that philosophy?

No, but I'll tell you,
keeps Pete on his toes.

Well, God didn't rest on
the seventh day,

he taught women
to be tricky.

Maybe he's a she?

That would explain
a lot of things.