04x19 - Kraus Sings the Blues

[bunniefuu]

Well, what's the matter
with you?

Haven't you ever seen
anybody do facial exercises?

Oh, thought you
were trying to catch flies.

If I do
these exercises faithfully

I'll have a face
like Brooke Shields.

That'll be interesting.

Brooke Shields' face
on Big Bird's body.

Well, let me tell
you something, buddy.

Your face could
use a few exercises.

Come over here.
Try this.

Ah, I see we're engaged in
another fierce battle of wits
this morning.

Why don't you join us,
Mr. Endicott?

We're short half a wit.

I thought you'd be touchy
after you saw the newspaper.

What's in the newspaper?

His picture.

What, a photograph
or one of them
police sketches?

My photograph.

It was the announcement
of my appointment
as co-chairman

of the Governor's telethon

for the benefit of the
Myerson Children's Clinic.

Oh, Clayton, there's a little
problem with the telethon.

Ernie DePew
won't be able to host it.

Oh, no, and I was looking
forward to Ernie DePew.

Kraus, you can see him
every night

doing the weather
on Channel .

Oh. Well, I wanted to
meet him in person.

In person?
Maybe that's why
he canceled.

KRAUS: I hear you!

There's nobody else
we can get
on such short notice.

Ah! Uh, as you know,

I was captain
of my college debating team.

I am also an experienced
public speaker.

Well, I appreciate
your offer, Clayton,

but as co-chairman,
you're going to be
very busy backstage.

So I thought
Benson could do it.

BOTH: What?

Well, it's very easy.

All Ernie DePew does
is read off the totals

and announce the acts.

Well, Ernie DePew is used
to being on television.

I'm used
to running a calculator.

I wouldn't know what to do.
I'd be scared stiff.

Just be yourself.

Fine, I'll be home
watching the telethon.

Governor, I don't want to be
on television for hours.

Uh, Clayton's chomping
at the bit. Let him do it.

Yes, yes,
we can switch jobs.

Benson can be co-chairman.
I'll be on television.

I'm sorry, Clayton.

You've already
been announced
as co-chairman.

Your picture
was in the paper.

It's not the same thing
as being on television.

Benson, I would appreciate
this as a personal favor.

Oh, brother.

What's the matter with Pete?
Let Pete do it.

What? Me? The Governor
doesn't even like me
to eat in public.

Come on, Benson.
Do it.

No, no, no.
No, don't pressure him.

If Benson
doesn't feel comfortable

doing this sort of thing
for me,

he shouldn't
have to do it.

Well, it's not that
I don't feel comfortable.

I can't think of anybody
else who could do it as well,

but I'm certainly
not gonna force him
into it.

Thank you.

So, the telethon
doesn't make the money
the clinic needs.

I just hope
the children understand.

All right, all right,
I'll do it.

I knew
I could count on you.

Pete, brief him
on his job.

Now, here's a list
of the entertainers
I've scheduled so far.

If you know anybody else
with any talent,

who wants
to appear on the telethon,

put them on the list.
We'll work out
the order later.

Oh, yeah,
you got to have about
three hours' worth of jokes.

Jokes?
I'm not telling any jokes.

(LAUGHS) That's very funny.
Three hours.

Uh, hey, Benson,
could I appear
on the telethon?

What?
I mean, I'd be glad
to sing a few songs.

Kraus, we're trying
to raise money,

not drive rats
from the city.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(PIANO PLAYING)

Well, now, before we go on
with the entertainment,

why don't
we check the big board

and see how much money
we've raised so far?

Denise?

Oh, may I have
a drumroll, please?

(ALTERNATING NOTES PLAYING)
The new total is

$,!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(PIANO PLAYS
CELEBRATORY MUSIC)

Well, that's just wonderful.

But, ladies and gentlemen,
we need you to get
on those phones

and send that money
in here.

Every little bit helps.

Our volunteers are waiting
to take your money.

I see that Mr. Downey...

Mr. Downey
has a phone call now.

Why don't we listen in
and eavesdrop on his
phone call?

Yeah, that's right,
mushroom and anchovy.

And some kind of
light beer.

Well, even
our volunteers get hungry.

And now do I have a treat
in store for you.

Psst! Psst!
Yeah, just a minute.

We have a young magician

whom I'm sure
you'll recognize

from his many
television appearances
across the country.

So...
Psst! Psst! Psst!

So, let us have
a warm welcome for...

Psst! Psst! Psst!

Oh. Before we do that.

I have
a wonderful treat for you.

This gentleman here is the
chairman of our telethon...

Clayton Endicott III.

I'm sure he has some
good news for us.

What is it, Clayton, another
one of those big checks?

Uh, the magician
didn't show up.

Well, looks like
our magician disappeared.

While we're waiting
for him to materialize,

we're going to have
a talented ventriloquist.

I'm sure you'll all
recognize her

and her little friend,
Cosmo the Dip, from their...

From their award-winning
television show,

Jenny and a Dip.

Let's hear it for...

Psst! Psst!

(MOUTHING)

What now?

Jenny didn't show up.

Is the Dip there?

The Dip is a dummy!

He had brains enough
not to show up out here.

Get back
on the television.
The television!

Well, it seems we don't have
the ventriloquist,

but we have
a tap dancer.

Psst! Psst!

An acrobat?

Well, do we have
a station break?

Good.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we're going to take
a station break,

and we'll be right back
after this.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(PIANO PLAYS)

This is a disaster!

Benson, listen,
I think it's going great.

Governor,
how can you say that

with the acts
canceling everywhere?

Calm down.
It's fine. It is.

Well, what am I gonna do
without acts to introduce?

You'll think of some way
to fill the rest of the show.

Are you crazy?
How much time do we have?

Six and a half hours,
and you're back on now!

Well, here we are,
back again.

We're still here, and, uh...
(STUTTERS)

I'm sure that you are
wondering what's coming next.

Well, we have a lot of things
in store for you.

Uh...

As a matter of fact,
uh, Kraus?

Kraus? Kraus, come here.

Let me introduce you.
Come here. Come here.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this young...

This woman here...

Is the woman behind
the Governor's food.

Kraus, why don't you sing
one of your songs
for the people?

I thought you didn't
want me to sing.

Whatever
would give you that idea?

When you said to me,
"I don't want you to sing."

Well, that is
a little direct, isn't it?
Yeah!

She has
a wonderful sense of humor,
ladies and gentlemen,

but I'm sure that if we all
put our hands together,

we can get her
to sing for us.

Give her a little enthusiasm
and encouragement.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

It's a mandate.
(KRAUS SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

Okay, all right.

All right.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it is my pleasure,

to introduce to you the pride
of Mittenwald, Bavaria.

The land that gave us
the cuckoo clock.

That dynamic, wonderfully
talented Bavarian bombshell.

Gretchen "Give it up
or tell where it is" Kraus.

Singing...
Singing for us...

What are you
singing, Kraus?
(MOUTHING)

A song.

Hopefully a long song.

Are you ready,
Gretchen Kraus?

(WHISTLE)
Take it away,
Bavarian bombshell.

(PIANO PLAYS INTRODUCTION TO
IN THE STILL OF THE NIGHT)

♪ In the still of the night

(CLEARS THROAT)

♪ As I gaze from my window

♪ At the moon in its flight

♪ My thoughts
all stray to you

♪ In the still of the night

♪ While the world
is in slumber

♪ Oh, the times
without number

♪ Darling, when I say

♪ To you

♪ Do you love me

♪ As I love you?

♪ Are you my life-to-be

♪ My dream come true?

♪ Or will this dream of mine

♪ Fade out of sight?

♪ Like the moon growing dim

♪ On the rim of the hill

♪ In the chill

♪ Still of the night

♪ In the chill

♪ Still of the night ♪

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

Well, come here,
you Bavarian bombshell, you.

That was wonderful.

The people just loved it.

We'll be
right back after this.

(PIANO PLAYING)

Phone for you, Miss Kraus
Oh, thank you.

Well, we only got
six and a half hours
to go now.

Good news.
The magician showed up.

I'm saved.
Is he ready to go on?

Well, he wants you to know
his rabbit's sick.

Well, tell him I'm sorry.

I only do
one telethon at a time.

Damn!

Oh, Governor, you're never
going to believe this.

That was a Mr. Tobias.

He's a record producer.
He heard me sing.

He wants to sign me
to a contract.

Oh, that's exciting,
a record album!

A national tour, TV,
Broadway, movies.

What's next?

The magician, if his rabbit
doesn't throw up.

We're back on now!

Here's the figures
for the telethon.

What are they?
$,..

Not bad.

Denise. Oh, excuse me.
Denise, has the mailman
been in here yet?

No, not yet.
Are you waiting
for something special?

Ja.
It's here! It's here!

What is it?

Well,
remember Mr. Tobias,

the man who signed me
to the record contract?

How could we forget?

You've mentioned it every day
for a week.

Oh, well, two days ago
I made the record.

This should be
the demo tape.

Any totals
on the telethon?

In a minute, Clayton.
Miss Kraus is going to play
the recording she made.

♪ In the still of the night

(TAPE SPEED MODULATING)

♪ As I gaze from my window

♪ At the moon in its flight

♪ My thoughts
all stray to you ♪

(MUSIC STOPS)

Well, that was
very interesting.

I'm gonna go outside
and play.

A child needs lots of
fresh air and activity.

Well, of course,
it's only one man's opinion,

but I find that
totally unacceptable.

I kinda like it.

But, I really don't
have a musical ear.

Something's wrong, Gretchen.

That was horrible.
Ja.

Is that what I sound like?

No, not at all, Kraus.

It pains me to report it
but you sound very good.

Where was that recorded,
in a car wash?

Benson's right.
It's just a bad recording.

You can
make another one.

Oh, no, I can't.

Not with that attitude.

You don't have
any confidence.

I don't have
another $,.

What are you
talking about?

That's what I paid
to make that record.

Mr. Tobias said it was
an investment in my career.

Sounds to me
like you've been had.

Well, Kraus, why didn't you
talk to some of us

before you gave
the man $,?

All right, all right.

I'm a dummkopf.
I'm a nincompoop.

I'm a foolish woman
with a silly dream.

Gretchen didn't even
want to talk about it.

She wouldn't open the door.
She's so upset.

Well, no wonder. Now she'll
have to cancel that trip.

Trip? What trip?

That's what the $,
was for.

She was
going back to Bavaria
for the summer.

We're gonna have to
get that money back.

Well, I don't know how.

As reprehensible
as this Tobias may be,

he's totally within
the parameters
of that contract.

What makes people
do things like that?

Plain old greed.

Yeah, I can
understand that.

Maybe greed
is just the w*apon we need

to even up the score
with Mr. Tobias.

Do you have a plan?

One's beginning to form.

Denise, go tell Kraus
we've got a plan.

All right.

Benson, whatever it is,
count me in.

Well, I don't know, Governor.

Maybe you shouldn't
get involved in this.
This is off-the-wall.

Miss Kraus
is very dear to me. I'm in.

Okay.
Good.

Are you willing
to wear a moustache?

Well...

Hey, Bernie, it's Tobias.
Are you open for business?

Great.

Yeah, yeah.

Put me down for a C-note
on Bold Pagan in the th.

Right.
Check back with you later.

That is a green couch,
is it not?

Yeah.

Madame, you are
not mistaken.

This may be the location.

Of course
this is the right place.

That is a green couch,
isn't it?

Uh, the temperature
is off a degree,

but I think that we can
live with it.

Mr. Pendleton.

(JAMAICAN ACCENT)
Ah, man.

This studio give off
the proper vibration.

The planets have guided us
to these coordinates.

That's it.
I'm calling security.

Hold it, hold it.

We need this studio
for about minutes.

We will pay you $,.

What you say?

What is this?
Who are you people?

That is Jeffrey Pendleton,
the Jamaican industrialist.

Yeah.
He's worth more than a hundred
million of your dollars.

Ooh!

You're familiar
with the name?

No, I'm familiar
with the number.

Mr. Pendleton,
it's a pleasure to do
business with you.

If I might ask,
uh, why my studio?

Because me psychic
say it give off
the proper vibration.

Oh, good beta waves.

This room
is just right.

And 'twas you led me to it,
madame.

Smithers?
Sir?

Lay $,
upon the lady.

Mr. Pendleton,
the temperature has
gone up a degree.

You're right.

Smithers?
Sir?

Lay $, upon the man.

Hey. He didn't make
the temperature go up.
He just reported it.

You are right.
Lay $, upon him.

Oh, the time
is drawing near.

Smithers?
Sir?

Me is now ready
for Mr. Bartholomew.

Very good, sir.

And, Smithers?
Sir?

Lay $,
upon yourself, man.

Thank you, sir.

Mr. Pendleton,
you are truly
a generous man.

Thanks, Cecil.
Lay $, upon him.

Jeffrey, look.
It's :.

The moon
is in the th house.

And Jupiter
is aligned with Mars.

'Tis the dawning
of the age of Aquarius.

And time for you to sing.

Cauterize me throat, man.

Mr. Bartholomew
approaches, sir.

Yay!

(SINGING LA DONNA E MOBILE)

♪ Day! Me say day

♪ Me say day
Me say day-o ♪

Sweetheart,
baby, popsy.

You are playing my song.

This is what I call
boffo opera.

You is too kind.
Smithers?

Sir?
Lay $, upon the man.

Jeffrey, sweetheart,
we are so hot to record
your album.

If it was up to me,
we would be in the studio
even as we speak.

But there is a little matter
of production costs.

As you know,
the business is run
by lawyers, not by artists.

Smithers?

How much money?

We're talking
$,.

Let him have
the money, man.

That ought to
start the ball rolling.

Excuse me!

Am I correct in assuming

you're interested
in making a recording?

That is correct.

Listen, you probably
didn't know this,

but I also happen to be
in the record business.

No.

Yeah.
This is my studio.

I could record your album for,
uh, $,.

Let me say right now
that money is not
the issue here.

What someone charge me
is of no importance.

What is important

is that I feel comfortable
with the person in question.

That makes sense.

Then Mr. Tobias
is your man.

He gives off
very comfortable vibrations.

Then me decision
is clear.

Mr. Tobias,
let us cut a record.

This is the pits.

Cecil, be so kind as to
escort Mr. Bartholomew
to him car.

You're gonna regret
this decision, sweetheart.

(CHUCKLES) Smithers?
Sir?

I feel very badly
about this.

Follow Mr. Bartholomew
and lay $, upon him.

Very good, sir.

Now, Mr. Pendleton,

why don't we sign one
of my standard contracts
to cement the deal?

That sound good, man.

Oh, there you are,
Mr. Tobias.

Miss Kraus,
what are you doing here?

I want to talk to you.

Sorry, lady.
Me have the studio
another five minutes.

This man cheated me.

Say what?

Ooh, I'm getting
very bad vibrations.

Oh, it's getting
cold in here
all of a sudden.

Then I guess
me have to go.

Well, wait, wait,
wait, wait. You're ruining
a very big deal for me.

I want my money!

Peasant!

Listen, if you get
out of here right away,

I'll return
half your money.

Half? You are a thief!

I'm freezing!

Oh, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait!

Here's your contract.
Yeah.

And here's your money.

Thank you, sir.

If it had not been for you,
I would not have
gotten my money back.

I could kiss you.

Me be very grateful, lady,
you don't do that.

Have it your own way.

Uh, thank you.

Ah, Tobias,
lay $,
upon the lady.

What? Oh, oh, oh!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh... Uh... Uh...

Thank you.

Well, I'm glad
that's settled.

Now, let's get back
to business.

Why not? Why not?

Stop!
We've waited too long.

The planets
are out of alignment.
What?

Oh, it's a bad time
to enter into
business ventures.

It is a good thing
we caught it.

But what about
your record contract?

Me get in touch with you
when the planets get back

where they
supposed to be.

When will that be?

Oh, uh,
July th, .

But what am I
supposed to do?

Go on, now.
Go on, now. Lay $,
upon yourself, man.

♪ Day! Me say day

♪ Me say day
Me say day-o ♪

Oh, Benson,
you know that extra $,
Mr. Tobias gave me?

Yeah.

Well, I donated it
to the Myerson Children's
Clinic in Mr. Tobias' name.

(CHUCKLES) That's good.
That Tobias is quite a guy.

Yeah, and so are you
for getting my money back.

How can I ever
thank you?

By going
to Bavaria for the summer.

You don't mean that.

Come on, Benson,
admit it. You like me.

Not really.

Actually, there is
a kind of love between us.

Oh, for goodness' sake,
Kraus, I just ate.

Come on, Benson,
you're just like
a big box of candy.

Poke around long enough
and you'll find
a soft, gooey center.

(CHUCKLES)

Thank you, Kraus.
You're like
an ice cream sundae.

Kind of fun, sort of sweet,
but mostly nuts.