05x01 - Band of Gold

[bunniefuu]

Ah, good morning Governor.

Oh, Benson, guess what?
I've been invited upstate

to open the trout season.

Well, that''s quite an honor,
what do you do,
throw out the first worm?

No, no, no.

No, they give me
a plaque and take
my picture with a fish.

Yeah.
Oh, really? How do they get
the film in the fish?

Oh, that's funny!

I did it! I did it!
I won the Super Bowl contest!

Well, congratulations,
take off your face mask
and let's celebrate.

Oh no, not that Super Bowl,

the Super Bowl you put
in your toilet,

to keep the water blue.

I won their contest.

What did you have to do?

Swim from side to side.

No, no,
it was a jingle contest.

I wrote the winning jingle.

(MOCKING ACCENT) Chingle?
Yeah.

Oh, listen to
this, Benson.

When the going gets tough,
and the tough get going

Super Bowl keeps
your bathroom glowing.

That's very nice,
Miss Kraus.
Thank you, Governor.

Keats writes of love,
Sandburg of men,
but old Gretchen Kraus

writes a poem to the can.

Guess what!
Guess what! Guess what!

We're getting married!
We're getting married!

What?

Over my dead body!

Pete and I
are getting married!

Whoo-hoo!

I'm so happy for you.

But you're not
getting married.

Me? I'm still in junior high.
I can't even drive yet.

Oh, yeah, right.

Well, congratulations, Denise.

Hey, Pete, I thought you were
dead set against marriage.

Oh, no, Benson,
I really want this.

I'm getting tired of going
home every night
to a hot plate

and a -inch
black-and-white TV.

You don't need a wife.
You need a Tupperware party.

This is terrific.

We could have the wedding
right here in the mansion.

Oh, thank you, Governor,

but we decided
we wanted to get married

at Franklin Pierce
State Park at sunset.

Wow, radical.

Say, I have a terrific idea.

Why don't we get a bus
from the motor pool?

Then we can have
a party on the way up

and another one
on the way back.

Thank you, Governor,
but we decided

we wanted to keep the ceremony
kind of small.

Yeah, we'd like it
to be personal.

Private.
Intimate.

Inexpensive?

I hope you understand, sir.

We just want it to be us and
the judge and the witnesses
at the ceremony.

No, I understand,
but I insist that we have
the reception here.

Great.

Who are your witnesses?

Well, we haven't
asked them yet,

but we would like Gretchen
to be the maid of honor.

Me? Oh, this is so unexpected.

I'm so happy.
I'm overwhelmed.

I accept.

And we'd like Benson
to be our best man.

Me? This is so unexpected.

I'm overwhelmed.
I'm so happy.

I'm busy.

Come on, Benson.

Oh, I'm just kidding, Pete.

I'd be happy to be your
best man. When is it?

This Saturday.

This Saturday?
Yeah, it's in the woods.

We have to do it before
hunting season starts.

Oh, yeah, you don't want
to spend your honeymoon

tied to the fender
of a pickup truck.

I have a hundred things to do.
I better get back.

Wait, wait.
I'll walk you to your desk.

(GIGGLES)

I just can't wait till
Arnold und I get married.

Marriage is
a wonderful institution.

And if anybody belongs
in an institution, it's Kraus.

I don't know, Benson.
This wedding is a big mistake.

It's a very big mistake.

Pete, everybody
has second thoughts

about their wedding day.

You know, when you stop
to think about it,

the whole idea of marriage
goes against nature.

Look around.
Do squirrels get married?

Do birds get married?
Does the wind get married?

Benson, I am the wind.

Pete, you don't even qualify
as a light breeze.

(HORN HONKING)

Where is the judge?
He is minutes late.

We are getting tired
of waiting in the car.

Well then, get
out of the car.

Denise doesn't want to get
her hair messed up.

Tell not to worry,
I'll keep the wind over here.

Come on, Denise.
Be careful now.

Are you sure this judge
knows where we are?

Oh, don't worry, Benson,
he'll be here.

(WHISTLING)

That's the judge now.

(WHISTLING)

(WHISTLING CONTINUES)

Who'd you get? Big Bird?

Howdy, folks.

Downey, I'm sorry I'm late,
but one of my hogs got sick,

and I had to wait
till the vet arrived.

Who's this gentlemen?

My best man.

Benson DuBois
How do you do?

DuBois, DuBois.

Are you any kin
to Carl DuBois?

No, I'm afraid not.
He from around here?

No, no, he's from
Laramie, Wyoming,

a petty crook.

Uh-huh.

Yep, he used to ride
with Butch Cassidy
and the Sundance Kid.

Really?

Yeah, my grandfather bit off
his nose in a barroom fight.

Oh, that Carl DuBois.
Sure, I know him.

I believe he started
the "Hole in the Face" g*ng.

That's him.

I'm ready.

Right over here, ladies.

How do you do?

Say, let's have
the bride and groom
up this way

and you two
right back there.

These two young folks here
have requested

that they have
a non-traditional
marriage ceremony.

And as I understand it,
you've written your own vows.

Yes, Your Honor.

Well, that being the case,

the only thing
that I should say is...

Have at it.

Peter, I offer you
my affection,

my devotion, my friendship,
and my love.

That's beautiful.

I also pledge my arms
to hold you

and my shoulders
to comfort you

and my ears
to listen to you.

I hope you notice
she's keeping
the best parts for herself.

Shh!
Don't shush me.

I give these willingly

so that the whole
may be greater than
the sum of its parts,

for, when one person
gives another...

They back yet?

No, not yet, but I think we
should start serving the food.

The guests
are getting restless.

I sure never thought the
wedding would last this long.

I've never been so bored
in my entire life.

Where does Peter
find friends like that?

Oh, Clayton.

Tell me about it. It's like
nerd heaven out there.

Katie.

Did you talk to that fat slob
in the Hawaiian shirt?

Talk to him?
I danced the polka with him.

He should be a ride
at Disneyland.

All right, you two.

Now, these are Pete
and Denise's friends.

They're guests
in our house.

I'm sure they're
very nice people.

Sorry, Dad.
My apologies, sir.

All right, now come on.
Let's get some
party games going.

Come on, Katie.
Argh.

I have no choice.
He's my dad.

Party games.
(CHUCKLES)

He's your boss.

Right.

...And with this in mind,

I now accept you as my husband

and mate for life.

(SOBBING)

It's all right, Kraus.
I think she's finished.

Pete?

I didn't prepare anything.

No, I, I wanted
what I have to say

to flow from the moment,
and now that we're all here,

the only thing I can think of
is, "Hope this works out."

Because, um,
I love you, Denise.

Well, okay. Hold hands.

Not us, Kraus!

Cool it down,
Carl, please.

And now, by the power
vested in me

by the great state...

(g*nsh*t)

(GASPS)

Gee, that's funny.
At most weddings,
they throw rice.

Dadgum poachers!

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

You can kiss the bride.

I'll send the paperwork
to you by mail!

Whew.
That was some wedding.

I'll never forget it.

Neither will the duck.

Congratulations,
Mrs. Downey.

Congratulations,
Mr. Downey.

Come on, people
are sh**ting around here.

Let's get out of here.
You two can neck in the car.

Let's go.

Oh, we didn't do anything
to the car.

We should have tied
something to the bumper.

Don't give me any ideas,
Kraus. Let's go.

Benson, Benson!

The keys.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Is there a trick
to starting this?

PETE: No, no, usually starts
right away.

I see.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Well, I'll check
under the hood.

Kraus, get over there
in case I need you.

KRAUS: Okay.

DENISE: Maybe
it's the battery.

(HORN HONKS)

It's not the battery.

Thank you, Mrs. Goodwrench.

PETE: Maybe it's flooded.

I'll check. Kraus,
crank it up there once.

Let's see.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Uh-huh.

Is it flooded?

No. Just empty.

Empty?
How could it be empty?

Yeah, I just put gas in
this morning.

Did you fill it up?

Well, I couldn't fill it.
I only had $.

You put $ worth of
gasoline into this heap

and then drove us miles
out into nowhere?

Don't yell at me!

I didn't hear you suggesting
we stop along the way

and pick up gas.

Well, I didn't know
being best man made me

part of the pit crew.

Okay, please,
please don't yell.

It's my wedding day.

Are we stuck out here?

Well, it's going to be
dark pretty soon.

It's a long way into town.
We better wait till morning.

Hey, no sweat.
I got our camping tent
in the trunk.

You and Miss Kraus
can sleep in the car.

I am not sleeping
in the car with Benson.

You can always sleep
under it.

Please?

Well, okay, Denise.

But you better not
try any funny stuff.

I'll tie myself to the wheel.

(GRUNTS)
Haven't lost my touch.

I hope not.

There you go.
Now, who's got a match?

Perhaps if I rephrase
the question.

Uh, maybe there are
some matches in the car.

Oh, hey, no sweat.

I can start a fire
using two sticks.

So can I, Pete,
if one of them's a match.

No, Benson,
the Boy Scout method.

Only I'm going to need
some pine needles, paper,
you know, kindling.

Okay, I'll go get
some pine needles.

Can you really do that?

Oh, sure, no problem.

Here, watch.

Oh.
What's the matter?
What happened?

Must have pulled something.
Oh, pumpkin.

Here, come, lie down
in the tent, and I'll
massage it for you.

Oh, thank you, sweet pea.

You find any matches?
No, but I found something
just as good,

a magnifying glass.

What do you hope
to do with that?

Look for little matches?

No, Dummkopf, you catch
the sun's rays with it,

and all of a sudden,
poof! You got a fire.

Poof! Your brain went out.
There's no sun at night.

PETE: Ooh, Denise,
It feels so good.

(MOANS)

Oh, I bet you could
do this professionally.

DENISE: Maybe so.

Benson sure likes it.

He has me do it for him
every couple of weeks.

I had Kraus do it once.

She wasn't any good.

Ah, it figures.

Hey, what is going on
in there?

It's none of
your business.

Hey, Denise was giving me
a massage.

Hurt my shoulder
trying to break a stick.

I'm sorry you two
had to get stuck out here.

I should have made sure
Pete filled the car.

So I mess things up
now and then.

Nobody's perfect.

Well, you sure come
very, very close.

No, it's a good thing
you married Denise.

Yeah, now I can look
after him.

Hey, I don't need a keeper.

Pete, I didn't say
I was your keeper,

but you have to admit,
you're pretty irresponsible.

Uh-oh.

And you're kind of
insensitive.

Wait a minute, you've got
a few annoying habits, too.

Say, look, folks, why don't we
just sing some campfire songs

or something, right?

Annoying habits?
Name one.

Okay.

You're a lot like your mother.

(GASPS)

♪ Michael, row
the boat ashore

♪ Hallelujah

Throw a ball
like a girl.

(GASPS) So do you.

Everybody!

♪ Michael, row
the boat ashore ♪

That's it, that's it,
that's it.

I am sure you don't want
to spend the evening

with a lazy, insensitive guy
who throws a ball like a girl.

Where are you going?

I'm going to sleep
in the car
with Benson.

I wonder how far I could get
in the dark.

Well, fine!

Then I'll sleep
in the tent with Gretchen.

She'll be better company.
Come on, Gretchen.

Men!

PETE: How do
you like that?
Can you believe it?

Oh, Pete, why don't
we just try to get
a little sleep?

You want to know
the difference between
men and women, Benson?

Up until now, I thought they
threw a ball differently.

No, no, no.
I mean the real difference.

Talk to the trees, Pete.
I'm going to get some sleep.

You know, women think
we can't live without them.

That's what Denise thinks.

She's convinced that,
without her, I'd fall apart.

(LAUGHS)
Isn't that silly?

(CHUCKLING)

(SOBBING)

Pete, Pete, Pete,
Pete, Pete.

I wish you wouldn't cry.

(CRYING)
Can't help myself!

Well, cry quietly.

Okay, talk.

Well, sir, I guess
I'll be heading home.

(CHUCKLES)

Thanks for the evening.

It was a, uh...
Very nice party.

Clayton, it was stinko.

Sir, it wasn't that bad.

It was a wedding party where
the bride didn't show up,

the groom didn't show up,

nobody connected
with the wedding showed up!

We spent the whole evening

feeding a bunch
of nerdy strangers.

Now, now, sir...

We didn't even get to watch
them open the presents.

Sir, they're wedding gifts.

Toasters, broasters,
waffle irons.

I always think
that's the best part,

watching them open
the presents.

It makes me happy.

Well, if it makes you happy...

Oh, no.

No, Clayton, we couldn't.

Now, sir, well,

sometimes the ribbon
just sort of comes loose.

Clayton, these are
not our presents.

And then someone's finger gets
stuck under a flap of paper.

I'm not looking.

And the tape
doesn't hold.

Tape is holding.

Clayton...

Then the paper
just accidentally tears!

What is it?
What is it?

It's a Popeil
Pocket Fisherman.

I never would have
guessed that.

I'll give you
another chance, eh?

It's an ice bucket.

Let's see if you're right.

And bingo!

How did I do that?

All right, you try one.

You'll never guess
what this is.

Sir, that's too easy.
Let's see here.

I don't get it, Benson.

Why can't she accept me
for what I am?

You don't want that.

Benson, I love her.

She's sexy and cute
and adorable.

Oh, I can't live
without her.

Why are you saying
these things to me?

Well, you said I could
spill my guts to you

if I stopped crying,
remember?

I mean, why aren't you
saying them to Denise?

Benson, that's a good idea.

Hey, let me practice on you.
You pretend you're Denise.

No, you've used me enough
already tonight.

Come on, Benson.

No!

(SOBBING)

All right, okay, okay.

All right, all right,
all right, all right!

Thanks, pal.

Denise...

What are you doing?

I'm holding her hand.
No, that's my hand.

I know, but you're
pretending to be Denise.

I'm pretending to be
Denise listening.

I don't want to be f*ndled.

Oh.

Denise...
What?

Do you have to be
so nasty, Benson?

You really got an
attitude about this.

Okay, practice is over.

Come on, let's go
talk to Denise.
Huh?

Talk to Denise.
Go ahead.

Knock knock.

KRAUS: Who's there?

What do you mean,
"Who's there?"

Who do you think it is?

I want to talk to Denise.

She's indisposed.

She's in da tent.

Pete wants to talk to her.

Well, he's going to have
to get past me first.

Think of it as a quest.

You have to slay the dragon
to get to the princess.

It's all right, Gretchen.

You wanted
to see me, Pete?

Yeah.

So, how's it going?

Pete.
Right.

Uh, Denise, I came

(STUTTERING) because I want,
I wanted to, um...

Apologize?

I don't need your help.
I know why I'm here.

Hold her hand, Pete.

I don't want to.
Pretend it's mine.

She thinks
I'm incompetent.

She thinks I'm a jerk.

Well, I'm not a jerk,
and I'll prove it to you, too!

Pete! Pete!

Oh! (SOBBING)

What is he doing?

Well, he's going off
into the woods

in the middle of the night
to prove he's not a jerk.

Und I suppose
you're happy now.

You know, Kraus,
I got to hand it to you.

You can read me like a book.
Happy Benson, that's me.

Here I am in the middle
of the woods,

in the middle of the night,
in the middle of a fight,

and I can't think of anything
that would make me happier.

Pete! The keys!

All right, sir,
here's the last one.

And go!

Appliance, electrical...

Deals with food.

It's a blender.

And... Nope,
it's a crockpot.

Oh, I almost said that.

"Almost" doesn't count.

So that's correct for me,
correct for you.

Okay.

Benson.

Benson, I can't sleep.

And you feel
this is of interest to me.

Denise won't stop
crying, Benson.

You've got to do something.

What do you expect me
to do, Kraus?
Well...

Oh, find him, Benson,
please.

There are wild
animals out there,

coyotes and bears
and wolves.

That sounds dangerous.
Let Kraus do it.

(LEAVES RUSTLING)

What's that?

Well, I did it.

Pete, finally!

Oh, I was so worried
about you.

You all thought I was
incompetent, huh?

Well, look what I did.

Oh, we are saved!
We are saved.

Thanks to me.

No, we'll thank you later.
Come on,
let's get out of here.

I'm so proud of you.

Ja, where did you ever find
a gasoline station out here?

Boy, I sure am glad you folks
are still around.

Hey, Judge Slokum.

Yeah. That you, Carl?

What are you
doing here, judge?

Some horse thief siphoned
all the gas out of my jeep

and stole my gas can.

If I catch him
and that can,

I'm going to jack up the jail
and put him under it.

Well, I don't think you're
going to find him around here.

We sure haven't seen him.

Uh, I think you ought
to look down by the creek.

Why's that?
Light's better over there.

That's a good point.
Thank you, Carl.

Come on, everybody into the
car. Let's get out of here.

Give me the keys.
Right, the keys.

Keys...

The keys.

(SOBBING)

Oh, Benson, I have
something you'll want to see.

Kraus, ain't got
nothing I want to see.

It's a postcard
from Pete und Denise.

Would you believe
that after all we
went through,

they are on a camping trip!

Can you think of a worse way
to spend your honeymoon?

Mmm-hmm.

Is this going to be
something nasty about me?

Uh-huh.

Well, keep it to yourself.

I know you'd be
that way on a honeymoon.