05x04 - Who's Arnold?

[bunniefuu]

[ telephone rings ]

Hello.

No, he's on vacation.

He won't be back till sunday.

I don't know what he's doing
Sunday night, lady.

Well, if it's
Any of your business,

I'm taking care of his house
While he's in hawaii.

All right, all right,
I'll add your name to the list.

Genevieve.

, , , .

Hoo, no wonder he doesn't want
To get married.

Just put them
Right down there, buddy.

You have a good time
In hawaii?

Yeah, my credit cards did.
I stayed in my room.

Shy type, huh?

No, it rained every day
I was there, man.

Yeah,
I left three days early.

Now I know why they put them
Little umbrellas in them drinks.

How much I owe you?

$.

There's $.

Thanks a lot, pal.
Aloha.

Okay, aloha.

[ gasps ]

I'm warning you,
I have a w*apon!

It's me, kraus.

What?

W-w-what are you
Doing home early?

I live here, remember?

Oh, ja.

Okay, you can come in
For a minute.

But please be quiet.

What's going on?

Why do you have
That cheese board?

I thought
You were a burglar.

A cheese burglar?

[ toilet flushes ]

What, you got company?

Uh... Ja!

Why don't you, um,
Go to an all-night diner?

Your company staying over?

Ja.

You little
Alpine vixen, you.

Arnold?

Arnold's out of town.

Well, yodel-ay-he-hoo!

Fritzie:
Wen ist da, gretchen?

Uh, n-nobody, mama.

It was a wrong door.

Mama?
Your mother's here?

Well, this is a woman
I've got to meet.

Tomorrow -- the next day.

In the meantime, get lost!

I want to meet her.
Come on!

Ah, I thought
I heard voices.

Well, well, well,
You must be mrs. Kraus.

Fritzie --
Just call me fritzie.

Nice to meet you,
Fritzie.

I know who you are.

All gretchen does is talk
About you night and day.

Well, don't believe
Everything she says.

Oh, you're just being modest.

Gretchen thinks
The world of you.

This gretchen?

Uh, mama,
You look very tired,

Und you have
A long plane ride tomorrow.

Why don't you go
Upstairs to bed?

I think I would like a little
Nosh before I go to bed.

A nosh -- good idea.

You go up to bed.
I'll bring you a nosh.

Gretchen, we haven't even had
A chance to talk.
Mama --

Gretchen, gretchen,
Leave her alone.

Here, come on, fritzie,
Sit down.

Gretchen will bring you
Something to eat.

Danke very much.

Oh, arnold,
You have a lovely place.

Thank you very much.

Arnold?

Uh...Help me
In the kitchen, arnold.

What's going on here, kraus?
She thinks I'm arnold.

You have to do it now.
She thinks you live here.

I do live here, but why does
She think I'm arnold?

Well, see,

You only have to pretend
To be arnold for one night.

What are you two
Doing in there?

Nothing. Nothing.

You owe me, benson.

I house-sat for you.

Gretchen,
My stomach is growling.

Mama --
I'm coming, mama dear.

Here.
Here is your nosh, mama.

Ooh, isn't arnold
Going to join us?

Oh, well, he's not a big one
For cheese.

Nonsense, snookums.

I love cheese.

You do...Arnold?

Yes.

Of course, as long as it's just
For one night.

I wouldn't want any cheese
Tomorrow night.

Oh, no, no.
It's just tonight.

Tomorrow,
It's the friendly skies.

Oh, you two are
So cute together.

Oh, come on, arnold,
Give old fritzie a kiss!

Okay, okay, fritzie,
Just one.

I have to save some
For my gretchy wetchy.

Oh, look at that face.

Gretchen, why didn't you tell me
Arnold was hawaiian?

I suppose you two spent
Your honeymoon in hawaii.

Honeymoon?

Oh, boy, oh, boy, she is
Just full of surprises.

Come into the kitchen with me,
My little sauerkraut.

Be right back, mama.

Why does she think you're
Married to arnold?

I sent her an announcement
Saying we were getting married.

Und then
When we didn't get married --

You didn't bother
To tell her.

It would break her heart.

Are you two smooching
In here?

Ja, mama!

Well,
Actually, fritzie,

Gretchen has a little secret
That she wants to tell you.

Isn't that right,
Gretchen?

Ja.

Uh, we're going
To have a baby.

My prayers
Have been answered!

Benson, how do you get yourself
Into these situations?

I didn't get myself into this
Situation. It was kraus.

Well, it's nice of you
To pretend to be arnold.

It's over now.
She's gone.

Kraus put her mother on the
Plane to bavaria this morning.

[ thunder crashes ]
Morning, governor.

Good morning, arnold.

Good morning, governor.
Good morning, arnold.

If I k*ll gretchen,
Would arnold go to jail?

What happened?

Mama's plane was grounded
Because of the rain --

A storm that came in
From hawaii.

There's another plane

That leaves at :
This afternoon.

All right, all right.

Who rewrote my bond proposal?
Not now, clayton.

No, no, let me guess.

Could it have been my old friend
Benson dubois?

Uh, we'll ask him when
We see him. Goodbye, clayton.

Governor, are you going to let
Benson get away with this?

Clayton, we really
Shouldn't be discussing this

In front
Of arnold lumditter.

Arnold lumditter?

Arnold lumditter.

Yeah, you know arnold,
Gretchen's husband,

Who just met gretchen's mother
For the first time.

Is that right?
Yeah.

Oh. Ah! Oh!

Of course I know arnold.

[ chuckling ]
Good old arnold.

Heck of a fellow.

Regular guy.

Nothing like
That benson dubois.

Hey, you better be careful
What you say about benson.

He und arnold
Are very close.

[ chuckling ]
I'm sure they are.

But you wouldn't contradict me
If I said that benson

Was an overrated, semi-competent
Paper pusher, would you?

I think I can speak for benson
When I say, clayton,

Why don't you
Freeze your teeth

And take your tongue
For a sleigh ride?

Well, arnold,
When you see benson,

Tell him I think
He's a real schnook, okay?

[ laughing ]

Oh, I've always prayed
For a chance like this.

Oh, my nose is broken.

Looks like a lot of us are
Getting our prayers answered.

You broke my nose.

Well, why were you
Smelling the door?

Now, pete,
What do you want?

Well, I was just going to get
Something to eat.

Well, I've got
Some beef jerky in my desk,

So why don't you and me
Go to my office

And do
Some government stuff?

I don't think this storm
Is going to let up.

[ thunder crashes ]

Well, I got a couple days
Left on my vacation.

I just think I'll go
To my office,

Get my jacket, and go home.

I have a message for you.

That's from jill.

Jill?

She said she met you
On the flight to hawaii.

Oh. Where is she?

Stewardess lounge
At the airport.

There's the number.

What are you doing?

I'm calling jill.

Oh, no, you're not.

Yes, I am.

Oh, no, you're not.

Put the phone down, kraus!

Ja, it's raining
Katzenjammer outside.

Why do you have
To call her now?

Because she's charming,
Intelligent,

And between flights.

You don't need her,
You've got me.

I don't want you,
I want her!

I couldn't help
But overhear.

Tell her, kraus.

What is it?
I mean, what's going on?

Why are you two fighting?

It's nothing, mama,
Nothing.

Fritzie, it is not my place
To be telling you this,

But gretchen and I...
Don't tell her.

...Are...
She'll be so ashamed.

...Getting a divorce.

Thank you, arnold.

I am really disappointed
In myself.

Oh, gott im himmel,

There has never been a divorce
On my side of the family.

And there is not
Going to be one now --

Especially when there is
A baby involved.

The baby!
We forgot the baby!

I'm not leaving this country

Until the two of you
Get back together.

Darling.

Sweetheart.

I don't believe you.

Fritzie, this whole thing is
Ridiculous, now --

Button your face.

Now, I am in charge.

You will listen
To a wiser head.

Go put yourself
In the car.

But, mama --
Move it!

Ja, mama.

Arnold, sit down.

Fritzie.
Sit!

Yes, mama.

You are a nice man.
I can see that.

Heaven knows my daughter --

She is not easy
To get along with.

She's just like her papa.
But don't worry.

Everything is going
To turn out wonderful.

What's this all about?

Oh, nothing, really.
We just stopped by.

All of you just stopped by.

Benson, you've got to help
Miss kraus.

Pete, we were going
To work up to it.

Cat's out of the bag now.
Will you do it, benson?

Do what?

May I have the floor?

Benson...

Miss kraus
Needs your help.

She wants you to have dinner
With her and her mother

And try
And work things out.

Forget it.

Okay, clayton,
You win the dollar.

Sweetness didn't work.

Miss kraus put you
All up to this?

[ nasally ] benson...

...To put it simply,

If miss kraus
Can't do her job,

It affects the way
We do our jobs.

And if we don't do our jobs,

Well, it affects
The entire state.

See, pete?
This is called working up to it.

And if you
Project that out,

If the people of this state
Are unhappy,

It could affect
The entire nation.

If the entire nation
Is unhappy,

Well, then the whole world
Is messed up.

So what you're saying is

If I have dinner with miss kraus
And her mother,

It'll solve the problems
In the middle east.

Benson, miss kraus needs you.
You're her friend.

And that's a good enough reason
For me to make a fool of myself?

It's as good a reason as any.

Oh.

Why didn't you say that
In the first place? I'll do it.

Benson,
You're the greatest!

I knew he'd do it.

I knew
They'd talk you into it.

You are such a schnook.

I am not a schnook.

I'm a lumditter!

Well, how do I look?

Oh, mama,
You look lovely.

You look great.
Let's drink the beer.

You two sit,
I'll get the beer.

Well, have you thought
Of any names for the baby?

Baby?
Oh, yeah, the baby.

Uh, well, if it's a girl,

We thought we'd name her...
Ermentrude.

Oh, that's nice --

A german name, ja.

I suppose, if it's a boy,
You'll give it a hawaiian name.

Yeah -- don ho.

Here we go.

Okay, everybody, drink up.

[ doorbell rings ]

Oh, who the hell is that?

Uh, darling.

I'll get it.
You two keep drinking.

Hi.

Is this the home
Of the limbo king?

Jill.

My flight got grounded
Because of the storm,

And I thought
Maybe we could...

Oh.
You have company.

No, they're not company.

Oh, hello.
I'm arnold's mother-in-law.

Oh. Who's arnold?

Uh, this is my friend
Jill fletcher.

Well, I'm glad to meet you.

I'm fritzie, and this is
Arnold's wife, gretchen.

Hello.
Sorry we can't chat.

We are having dinner.

Well, you're just in time.
Let me take your coat.

Oh, thank you.

You have got
To get rid of her.

You're right.
Okay, I've got a plan.

What I'll do is I'll take her
To dinner, and after dinner,

I'll try to figure out a way
To keep her occupied.

I have a better plan.

Jill, there's not enough food
For you,

So there's no sense
In sticking around.

Auf wiedersehen.

Well, that's ridiculous,
Gretchen.

I mean, she's skinny
As a skateboard.

No, she can't eat much.

Come on, we'll get something
Out of the kitchen.

Who are those women?

Well, t-they are...

Have you heard of
The big brother organization?

Uh-huh.

Well, these are not them.

Uh, these --
These people are, uh...

Bag ladies
From the neighborhood.

Well, who's arnold?

Oh, arnold is
An imaginary son-in-law.

If they should bring him up,

All you do is smile
And nod knowingly.

Good.

I was right.
There's plenty of food.

Are you hungry, arnold?

Oh, yes,
Arnold's very hungry.

Isn't that right, jill?

Uh-huh.

The roast will be ready
In minutes.

Arnold, why don't you get
A beer for jill?

No, no, let me get it.

Did you hear?

Arnold and gretchen
Are going to have a baby.

Oh, that should be
Interesting.

What happened
While I was gone?

They, uh,
Told me about the baby.

The baby --
I always forget the baby.

Oh, jill, look,
Come into the kitchen.

I must tell you something.

No! Oh, oh!

Uh, oh, jill can't stay.

I'm having the baby!
Ohh. Ohh.

You can't be having the baby.

You've only been pregnant
hours.

She's really pregnant?

Ja!
And this is the proud papa.

You're the what?

Just smile and nod.

Oh, I get the picture.

No, it's not
What you think.

I meet creeps like you
On the planes all the time.

I'll get your coat.

Thank you.

Uh, wait,
Wait a minute, jill.

Don't touch me, arnold!

No, I'm not arnold.

That's right.
You're slime!

Nighty night.

I'm going after her.

Over my dead body.

Okay, have it your way.

I think I know what's wrong
With this marriage.

Fritzie, there is no marriage!
It's all a lie!

I know it seems that way,
But we can work it out.

No, no, read my lips --

Gretchen and I
Are not married

In any way, shape, form,
Or fashion.

I know that you feel the flame
Has gone out,

But the embers
Are still there.

The embers is kaput!

You couldn't melt snow

On the warmth
In this relationship!

Won't you try, arnold?

No, no, no, no, no!
Stop calling me arnold!

[ crying ]

Now look what you've done.
You made my mama cry.

For goodness sakes, kraus,
Grow up!

Benson, I suppose
You were right all along.

I should have told mama
The truth from the beginning.

Well,
Why on earth didn't you?

Why do we have to go through
All of this?

Benson, in my village,

There were seven girls born
The year I was.

Und by the time
We were all teenagers,

On saturday night,
They had dates --

I sat home
Und waxed my toboggan.

What does that got to do
With what we're talking about?

Don't you understand, benson?

Mama never said anything, but
I knew she was ashamed of me.

The other girls
All got husbands.

I...I got a shiny toboggan.

[ crying ]

Kraus, how do you know
What your mother was thinking?

Did you ever sit down
And talk to her about it?

Oh, it's too late now.

I told too many lies.

It's not too late.

It's better that mama thinks
I married und failed

Than never married at all.

For goodness' sakes, kraus,

Your brain
Doesn't work at all.

Oh, please, stop crying.

If you still want me to pretend
To be arnold,

I'll do it,
But just until she leaves.

You would do that for me?

Of course, I'm your friend.

You mean it?

Temporarily.

Gretchen, is this true?

Have you been lying
To your mother?

Oh, mama, it's true.

Everything I told you
Was a lie.

This is not arnold,

I'm not pregnant,
Und we're not married.

But that doesn't matter,
Fritzie.

Any man would be lucky
To have your daughter.

Kraus is a -- pbht --
Fine woman.

I know that.

But who are you, anyway?

My friends call me...
The lone hawaiian.

Mama, I'll explain
Everything to you.

You go on up to bed now.
I'll be right up.

Lone hawaiian?

Benson, thank you.

You are a true friend.

Nice family, but they are
A little strange.

We hear you!
We hear you!