05x07 - It Ain't Sheik

[bunniefuu]

[ birds chirping ]

[ sobs ]

[ kraus sobs ]

Oh, benson, could you come back
A little later, please?

This is kind of
Personal.

This is my office, and the
Governor has me on a deadline.

What is the matter,
Kraus?

Why should I tell you?

You're just another heartless,
Insensitive male

Who likes to prey on
The vulnerability of us women.

[ sobs ]

Gretchen and arnold
Had a disagreement.

There was no disagreement.
The turkey dumped me.

He thought they should start
Dating other people.

He felt
They were getting too close.

They're engaged.
They're supposed to get close.

I'll show
That arnold lumditter.

There's a hundred men
Out there.

Yeah, you show him.

From now on, I am the hunter,
Und the men are the meat.

Let me write that down.

Valentine's day
Is coming.

[ knock on door ]

Benson, I have here
A very informative article

On the sheik mameed.

I thought you might like to
Look it over before he arrives.

I don't have time right now,
Clayton.

Oh, hey, I wouldn't mind locking
Lips with this little cutie.

Denise,
Will you take her outside

And throw a bucket
Of cold water on her?

Oh, sure, it's fine
For you men to be aggressive.

Come on, gretchen.

Let's go into the kitchen,
Have a cup of coffee,

And whistle
At the gardeners.

Ja.

Up, up, up, up, up, up.
Thank you very much.

Benson, I really do think
It's important

For you to take the time
To familiarize yourself

With the sheik's likes
And dislikes.

Clayton, I will be glad
To read the article

When I have the time.

Benson, we've got a problem --
Big problem.

Show him, pete.

Pete: you're not gonna
Believe this.

Well, what is it?

It's a drawing
Of the corporate headquarters

That sheik mameed
Wants to build.

Is it upside down
Or something?

Ugly sucker,
Isn't it?

Who is the architect
Of this monstrosity?

Sheik mameed.

It looks like
A used wedding cake to me.

Well, I agree, but we've got to
Find some diplomatic way

Of letting him
Know that.

Diplomatic, huh?

We could say,
"Hey, sheik,

That's a whole lot of ugly
In one spot."

Wait a minute, pete.
What is this all about?

All I know is
We were on the highway

Coming back
From the airport.

I was in the press bus.

All of a sudden, the governor's
Limo screeched to a stop,

Clayton came flying out
The door, and the limo took off.

Well,
What did clayton do?

I don't know.

Good, benson. I'm turning
The sheik over to you.

Why?

'cause he doesn't
Like clayton.

Well, who does?

I've got those
Revenue projections to finish.

The sheik
Takes precedence.

This is a $-million project
We're talking about.

Now, I want you to turn
All your work over to clayton.

Governor,
I hate doing paperwork.

Clayton, my patience with you
Is wearing very thin,

So pick up the paperwork,
Go to your office,

And don't come out
Unless the building's on fire.

Yes, sir.
[ clears throat ]

[ laughs ]
What did clayton do?

Not now, pete.

I mean, he came flying out
Of that limo

Like a bag of litter.

Pete, take a walk, huh?

Yeah, sure.

What did clayton do,
Just so I avoid doing it?

Do you know a limerick
That starts,

"There once was a sheik
Named abdul"?

No.

Good.

Sheik mameed,
May I introduce

My budget director,
Benson dubois?

Your excellency.

I am pleasured
To meet you.

If there's anything you need,
Sheik, just ask benson.

What could I possibly need?
I have $ billion.

Perhaps you'd like to
Adopt a black budget director.

Most amusing.

You're an okay guy,
Benson duboo.

Dubois.

That is what I say --
Duboo.

I see you two are
Going to get along just fine,

So we'll talk later,
Sheik.

Excuse me, sheik.
Uh, governor.

Yes, benson?

[ mumbling ] did you talk to him
About that ugly building?

No, I figured you'd find a way
To settle that.

Mm-hmm. How's that limerick
Go again?

Benson.

Perhaps your excellency would
Like some lunch.

Business first.
Have you seen my building?

Oh, yes, I've seen it.

What do you think
Of it?

[ chuckles nervously ]
Well, uh,

To be perfectly frank
About the building --

Excuse me.

I'm sorry to interrupt,

But I thought
You might be hungry.

Good idea, kraus.

We can talk
About the building later, sheik.

[ clears throat ]

Hi, sheik. Welcome to the land
Of opportunity.

I beg your pardon.

Um, where have you been
All my life?

In the desert.

Uh, sheik,
Would you excuse me a moment?

Kraus, may I speak to you
A minute?

Hang on to your headdress,
Handsome.

I'll be right back.

What do you think
You're doing?

I'm going to
Make arnold jealous.

You're gonna
Make the sheik sick.

Did it ever occur to you

That the sheik
Might find me attractive?

No.

Duboo.

Yes, your excellency.
I'll be right there.

Kraus,
Get out of here.

Bye-bye.
See you around.

Sorry about the interruption,
Sheik.

Why don't
We have some sandwiches here?

Who was that?

Who was what?

That gorgeous woman.

You mean kraus?

Kraus.

♪ kr-au-au-au-au-aus ♪

She's stunning.
She's sublime.

She reminds me
Of the graceful ostrich.

Well, that would explain
Her walk.

Look,
Duboo, you must, uh --

How do they say --
Fix me up.

You find kraus
Attractive?

Don't you?

Well...

Let's just say that
She reminds me of your building.

Then we agree.

Tonight, the three of us will
Paint the town red.

Wait a minute, sheik.

Don't forget, duboo,

Bring the steamy,
Leggy blonde to dinner.

But, sheik --
Do it.

It will make me happy.

Why doesn't he just
Want to go to seaworld

Like everybody else?

[ door opens ]

Okay, buster,
Why'd you skip out

Und leave me alone
With ali baba und the hands?

He was pawing me
All night.

He pawed you?

Well, I'm telling you,
Benson,

You keep him away
From me

Or I'll nail his sandals
To the wall.

Hello, liebling.

Hi, miss kraus.
Hi, benson.

Hi, sugar.

My name's katie gatling,

And I represent the capitol city
Girls' softball league.

What are you selling?

Peanut brittle.

How much is it?

$. a jar.

I'll take three.

Great.

Duboo, my friend.
Good morning.

Good morning, sheik.
Well, you seem in high spirits.

Ah, I am the hawk.

La-la-la-la-la-
La-la-la!

Flying on the wings
Of love.

And who are you,
My beautiful child?

My name's katie gatling,

And I represent the capitol city
Girls' softball league.

She's selling
Peanut brittle.

I buy them.
How many do duboo buy?

Three.

I buy .

Wow, where do you want me
To send them?

Send them to duboo.

It is my gift to him.

I can't thank you enough.

Allow two weeks
For delivery.

Akhmet, go with her.
Pay her in gold.

Sheik, can we get down
To business now?

I've been reviewing

The geological report
For that land,

And I have a few thoughts
For you.

I must tell you,
Gretchen is wonderful.

She is electrifying.

I want to be with her again
Tonight, duboo.

Arrange it.

Well, you see,
That's not really my area.

I'm more like
What you might want to call

The budget director,
Not the social director.

But it would make me
Very happy.

And that is something
We all want, yes?

Yes, but I think you better talk
To kraus yourself.

I don't believe
You treat me this way,

Especially when I am
Making $-million building

In your state.

Well, that's what
We all should be concerned with.

Why don't
We just talk building?

Benson -- oh, ben-- aah.
Sheik mameed.

Get out of my sight,
Fig face.

Sheik --
Aah. I was just trying --

Get me that woman.

I am not getting you
Any woman!

If I do not get
The beautiful woman,

You do not get
My beautiful skyscraper.

That solves
Both my problems.

Cooperate
Or I'll have you fired.

Don't thr*aten me!

I will thr*aten whomever
I want.

I am the sheik mameed,

Son of prince bahen,

Glowing hope
Of the eastern world,

Graduate of
Kansas state university,

Most creative architect
In the face of the world today,

And you are nothing.

I am nothing?!
Nothing!

Let me tell you
About your architectural skills.

I could design
A better building than you

With a deck
Of playing cards!

You cannot address me
With such insolence, duboo.

Dubois, dummy!

Dubois! Dubois! Dummy!
Dummy! Dummy! Dummy! Dummy!

Are you all right?

I feel fine right now.

[ chuckles ]

I'm proud of you, benson.

I am so glad
You didn't back down.

That's right.

Just 'cause
We want the guy's business

Doesn't mean
We have to kiss his burnous.

[ laughs ]
That's right.

[ crash ]

Ooh.

What is that?

It sounds like a crash.
Somebody got creamed.

Hey, that's my car!
He rammed my car!

[ crash ]

He's doing it again!
He's doing it on purpose!

Wait, benson,
Where are you going?

I am going
To shake the sheik.

Benson,
What about the bodyguards?

Well, I don't have to
Go out there right now.

$, worth of damage,

And the guy doesn't even
Have any insurance.

I can't tell you
How sorry I am this happened,

And I wish there was something
You could do about it.

There is something I can do.
I'm gonna take him to court.

You can't do that.
Why not?

You're afraid I'll jeopardize
The building deal. Is that it?

Well, certainly
I'm concerned about the deal.

Your friend
Is in trouble.

My car is smashed
To smithereens,

And all you're worried about
Is a crummy $ million.

If I may finish
My thought.

Why don't you just
Give him the keys to the city

And let him wreck
The whole damn town?

Just let me finish.

The reason you can't sue

Is because he's the son
Of a diplomat.

He has
Diplomatic immunity.

I don't care what he has,
As long as it's fatal.

Unfortunately,
Under the treaty we've signed,

He is protected from civil
Or criminal prosecution.

Governor,
You'll understand

If I don't come
To the reception tonight.

Oh, yeah, benson, I'll handle
The sheik from here on in.

You can tell him
From me

That he has not heard the last
Of benson duboo.

Dubois.

La-la-la-la-la-la!

Oh, just live with me
For a year.

Try it.
I'll give you anything you want.

Forget you und the camel
You rode in on.

Get out of my kitchen!

Hey, birdbrain.

Yes, benson?
Not you, kraus.

You owe me money --
$,.

Oh, get out of my way,
Duboo.

I must kiss her lips.

You call me duboo
One more time,

And you won't be tall enough
To kiss her ankles.

Why are you
Bothering me?

You wrecked my car.

So? Sue me.
I can't.

I know.

Hold it, buster.

You want me to throw him out
Of the kitchen?

That's okay, benson.
I can take care of this.

Sheik mameed,
Will you step this way, please?

This won't take
A moment.

[ crash ]

[ glass shatters ]

Und stay out,
You dime-store valentino!

Kraus, you know,

There are moments
When you are simply magnificent.

[ laughs ]
Thank you very much, benson.

The moment's over.

You want some coffee?

Sure.

Wait until
You hear the latest

That scum of araby has
Come up with.

What'd he do?

The man has flipped.

What did he do?

He's over the edge!

He's got bats
In his falafel.

Would you just tell us
What he did?

He is donating
His hideous painting

Of that monstrosity
Of a building to the art museum.

As what, a doormat?

He thinks
It's a masterpiece.

Not only that,
We're having a formal unveiling

At the reception tonight.

Wait a minute.
Hold it. Hold it.

You know,
It might be worth

Going to that reception
After all.

We might be able to
Teach the little sheik a lesson.

Benson, I love it.

I love it. Count me in.
What do I do?

You'll have to
Shave your mustache.

Of course.
I'll do anything. I'll --

Shave my mustache?

He'll do it.
He'll do it.

Okay, now,

Tonight, when the reception
Is in full swing...

[ indistinct conversations ]

Hi, katie.
How was school today?

Okay.

Did you learn
Anything interesting?

Not really.
We started sex education.

I really should
Circulate.

We'll talk later...
In five or six years.

Hi, katie.
Did you see benson?

No, I don't think
He's coming.

[ chuckles ]
I guess he couldn't get a ride.

[ chuckles ]

You know,
His car is in the shop.

It's a joke.

It's not funny.

One man's joke
Is another man's...You know.

Do they ever grow up?

No, they just
Stop getting pimples.

Benson, I didn't expect to
See you here tonight.

Well, I thought
That I'd be a big man about it.

Besides, I wouldn't miss
This unveiling for anything.

There'll be some shocked faces
Around here tonight.

Hello, governor.
Okay, benson, everything is set.

Great.

What's set?
Are you two up to something?

Well, to tell you the truth,
Governor --

I really
Don't want to know.

I should circulate.
We'll talk later.

Ah, your excellency.

Okay,
Kraus, let's do it.

Ja.

As I was saying,

An art critic
Of this stature

Could make a man famous
Internationally.

Or ruin his reputation
Forever.

Who are they
Talking about?

I really
Should circulate.

Imagine,
The great bahindi,

The renowned art critic coming
To this very reception.

Who is this art critic --
Bahindi?

Oh. You overheard.

It was supposed to be
A surprise.

[ louder ] it was supposed to
Be a surprise.

[ arab accent ]
Make way. Make way.

The great bahindi come
To view the work.

Ah, mr. Bahindi.

Yes, what an hour
To have you with us.

Your hands and your face are not
The same color.

You know sheik mameed.

Only by
His reputation.

But he won't hold that
Against you.

Before I show you my work,
I must explain it.

If you must explain it,
It is not art.

It is advertising.

True art is like
A fine piece of crystal,

Every facet
A prism reflecting.

Uh, uh, uh,
Elephant boy,

Would you spare us
The lecture?

But why waste time?
Let us view the work.

Yes, right this way.

I am waiting
With bated breath. Yes.

All right, here we go.

Aha!

[ gags ]

See? He likes it.

Would you like to bet

A couple of billion dollars
On that?

This painting must perish.
It is vile.

Atrocious.

Stop him!

Disgusting.

Governor, arrest him.

Uh, well, uh...

Golly, sheik, he can't.
He has diplomatic immunity.

He has?

Oh, right.
Diplomatic immunity.

But he destroyed
My property.

Und you destroyed
Benson's car.

Oh, krausy,
Is different thing.

No, it isn't, sheik.
It's exactly the same thing.

It's a guy acting
Like a jerk

And then hiding out
Under diplomatic immunity.

How do you like
Them kumquats, abdul?

Abdul...

Wait...A minute.
Wait a minute.

You are not
Art critic bahindi.

[ laughs ]

He is camel drool fig face
Endicott.

That's absolutely right.

And you planned
This whole trick.

Yeah.
Because
I wreck your car.

That's right.
And because
I hide behind the law.

You're not one of the three wise
Men, but you're catching on.

You are a true friend,
Duboo.

Dubois!

Yes,
Only a true friend

Would go to so much trouble
To teach man a lesson.

Does all this mean that
You're gonna pay for my car?

No.
I owe you big apology.

I buy you new car.
I buy you two new cars.

Just say you're sorry und
Fix his old car.

The man knows
What he's doing.

He's a graduate
Of kansas state.

Duboo,
You have made me new man.

Gretchen, look,
I am new man.

Do you want to go
To my place?

Hold it.

No hands.

Well, okay.
We go to your place.

But no funny business.

Wonderful.
I call my pilot.

We'll be there first thing
In morning.

Wait a minute.

You like
To make couscous?

Wait. Wait a minute.

Well, benson, what did you think
Of my performance?

Oh, that was
Really something.

I was extraordinary,
Wasn't I?

Mm-hmm.

I've always known
There was a little part of me

That had the talent
To be an actor.

Yeah. And I made you
Shave it off.