05x08 - You Can't Give It Away

[bunniefuu]

Okay, uh, sweetheart, why don't
You set up over there,

And we'll sh**t
By the fireplace, okay?

Benson,
I got to talk to you.

Kraus,
We need this room.

What is going on here?

It's a photography session
With the governor.

It's the first day
Of the state lottery.

Nobody ever
Tells me anything.

I could tell you
A few things.

In your ear
With a can of beer.

What's up, pete?

Benson, remember when
You asked me

To arrange some airtime
For you to discuss

Whatever it was
That you wanted to discuss?

Yes. I remember.

What was it
That you wanted to discuss?

The new unemployment
Benefit rules.

I knew
It was something boring.

I got you six minutes
On "Coffee with connie."

"Coffee with connie"?

Yeah, two weeks
From wednesday -- : a.M.

Are we all set, pete?

Pete:
All ready to go, sir!

It's the big day!

All right.
Let's get this over with.

I'm on
A very tight schedule.

You know mr. Montez,
Head of the state lottery board.

Benson.
How are you?
How are you, john?

Could we get
These pictures taken?

[ chuckling ] I mean,
This is such a waste of time.

It's an even trade.

Taking your picture's
A waste of film.

Uh, governor,
We're all ready.

How do you
Want to do this?

Well, I want to get
A picture of each of you

Buying a lottery ticket
From me,

And then a picture of me

Presenting that plaque
To mr. Montez

To commemorate the opening
Of the state lottery.

Well,
Sounds pretty good.

As long as I'm here,
Why don't I be the first one.

Peter!
[ sighs ]

Pete, I can't change a $.

I don't want change.
I want tickets.

Here we are, governor.
Tickets one through .

[ chuckles ]

[ shutter clicks ]

Uh, benson,
You're next.

Peter, do you mind?
I am in a hurry.

Hold it. Hold it.

I just want to run
A comb through my hair.

Clayton, why do you have to
Act like such a jerk?

Peter, I told you, I have places
To go, people to see.

Children to frighten.

Come on, clayton.
You look fine.

No, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Is my tie straight?
It's fine.

It feels
Like it's crooked.
It's fine!

Benson, take my place
While I check my tie.

Aw, come on, clayton!
Good grief!

You should have told him
The truth.

His tie is on straight.
His head's on crooked.

I tell him that all the time.
He doesn't listen.

How many tickets
Do you want?

Just one.

Montez: here we go.

[ shutter clicks ]

Here I am, hair combed,
Tie in place.

Still surrounding
An ugly face.

[ shutter clicks ]

Now, this picture
Is by debbie maxwell.

And I guess it's supposed to be
Me on a bicycle.

I'd like to thank

Mrs. Henderson's
Third grade class

For these lovely pictures
Of yours truly.

We'll be right back.

Man: clear!

Oh, hi!

I'm connie merriweather,
But I guess you know that.

Yes, I --
And I know who you are --

Benson dubois.

I saw your picture in the paper,
Buying a lottery ticket.

Yeah. Well, that was --
I bought one, too,
But I won't win.

I don't have
That kind of luck.

My husband, jacques,
Is the winner in our family.

He's a hockey player.
Did you know that?

Yes, I --
[ laughing ]
Oh, what I am saying?

Everybody knows that!

I just can't help it.
My life's an open book.

Oh, you're on next.
Good luck.

Is she gonna let me talk?

Come on.
It's showbiz, benson.

Just go with the flow.

You're gonna have to
Keep quiet, fella.

Now, sit down.

Who is this? h*tler?
Come on.

Can I have some coffee?

It's in the pot, fella.

We're going
In five seconds.

Four, three, two...

We're back,
And I hope you are, too.

My guest today is benson dubois,
Our state budget director,

Who wants to talk to us today
About what?

Well, let's ask him.

Welcome, mr. Dubois.

Oh, thank you, connie.
Thank you.

I'm so glad
To have you with us.

What's
On your mind today?

Well, as you probably know,
We have just recently

Liberalized
The unemployment benefits.

And I just dropped by

To fill your viewers in
On the new rules.

Oh, good idea.

Get a pencil, girls.
This is important information.

And since the, uh,
Rules are rather complex,

I'll just be covering
The major ones.

[ buzzer ]

What, is my time up?

Oh, no.
My noodles are ready.

Her noodles are ready.

Yes. Uh, well, anyway,
As I was say--

W-why don't we go over
To the kitchen,

And you can fill us in
On unemployment

While I finish that pasta salad
I was making?

Uh, connie, I really wanted to
Talk about the rules.

Oh, it's okay.
We're listening.

Oh, you need an apron.

[ chuckles nervously ]

Here. We'll put this
Over your head.

Thank you so much.

Now, you were saying...

As I was saying,
The qualification period

Has been changed
From weeks to weeks.

Oh, that is good news.

Why don't you mix the mayonnaise
Into the noodles

While I finish
Chopping up the celery?

Yeah,
Why don't I do that?

And the second major change

Is the raising of the maximum
Benefit from $ to $.

Hopefully, this will
Help to ease

Some of the burden
Of being unemployed.

But not as much as winning
The state lottery would.

Well, that's
A long sh*t, connie.

This is something
You can count on.

Uh, could I get up close
And personal for just a moment?

Why,
Is jacques on a road trip?

[ chuckling ] oh, no.

What would you do with the money
If you won the lottery?

Well, I haven't
Thought about it, connie.

Maybe if you won --
Uh, just keep on stirring.

Yeah, yeah.

You could use the money

To help some
Of our less-fortunate viewers.

I think any of us
Who have the means

Should reach out
To those in need.

Isn't this done yet?

Oh, add the parmesan.

Uh-huh.

[ exhales sharply ]

So if you won,
You'd give the money away.

Well, since I haven't won,

That's a very
Hypothetical question.

But seriously,
Don't you think there are people

Who need the money
More than you?

Lots of them.

Then you'd give it away!

[ chuckling ] sure, sure.
If I won, I'd give it away.

Yeah. Right.
[ chuckles ]

Uh, does any--

Sweetheart, these noodles
Are beginning to knot up.

Oh, um, does anybody know

When the winning numbers
Are published?

Man: they're in
This morning's paper.

Oh, good.
Let me have it.

Great. We can all
Check our numbers together.

Okay.

Get your tickets out.
Oh, you, too, mr. Dubois.

Okay, let's skip over
The little winners

And just read
The big one.

Is everybody ready?

For $,,
The winning ticket is...

-...

-.

- -- benson!
That's benson's ticket!

It is?

[ gasps ]

It is!

Oh, my!

Oh, why didn't you --
Why didn't you say something?!

Oh, mr. Dubois! You just --
You just won $,!

Yeah, yeah!

Well, how do you feel?!

I feel good!
I feel real good!

Oh!

And I bet all those people
Out there

That you promised to help
Feel real good, too!

Yeah! Yeah!

What?!

We'll be right back with the
Latest in rainwear for your pet.

But I --
Man: cut!

Here comes
The millionaire.

Thank you, pete.
$,.

Are you complaining?

Not at all.

Congratulations, benson.

Thank you very much.
That's something, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Of course, you realize

You're gonna have to give
Most of it to the I.R.S.

Well, no matter
What they leave me,

It's got to be more than you got
For straightening your tie.

He doesn't have to
Give any to the I.R.S.

He said he was gonna
Give it all to charity.

No. I didn't say that.
Pasta brain said that.

That's what I heard you say,
Benson.

Of course, I will give
Some of the money to charity.

Hey, benson!
Congratulations!

Thank you, sugar.

Our church
Is raffling off a tv.

How would you
Like to buy a ticket?

Sure, I'll buy one.
I'm on a roll.

Great. Here you go.

Anybody else?

Yeah. I'll buy .

Haven't you learned anything
From this lottery experience?

Yeah. You're right.

Make it .

Oh, benson!
I'm glad you're here!

You really put your foot
In your mouth this time!

Everybody else began
With "Congratulations, benson."

A lot of people
Heard you say

You're gonna give
That money away.

I didn't say that.

Yeah? Well,
Tell them that.

Who?
A lot of people.
They're in your office.

What?
Follow me.

Oh, we'll be with you
In a minute.

Yes. We'll be
With you in a minute.

Ohh.

So all these people
Want money?

Uh-huh.

What about that guy
With the sign?

What's
He need money for?

He wants to rent
A billboard.

For one night?

What do you
Want me to do?

Well, sort them out.

I'll, uh,
Talk to as many as I can.

Okay.
[ chuckles nervously ]

All right.

[ indistinct conversation ]

Invisible parakeets,
Edible sand,

A bus that walks like a duck?

[ knock on door ]

Yeah?

It's me, benson.

Yeah?

There's a dr. Gillespie
Out there.

I told you, I don't want to see
No more of them people.

B-but he's a doctor.

What's he look like?

Very distinguished,
Nice suit, briefcase.

Eh, sounds safe.
Send him in.

Dr. Gillespie.

Good afternoon, mr. Dubois.

Good afternoon, doctor.

I'm sorry
To take up your time.

That's quite all right.
Have a seat.

Thank you.

I understand you're interested

In donating some of your
Prize money to worthy causes.

Well, you could say
The word was out.

Yes.
I saw your outer office.

[ chuckling ]
That's quite an assemblage.

[ chuckling ] yeah.

So how can I help you?

Well, mr. Dubois,
I'm a professor of astronomy.

Just how much do you know
About the planet venus?

Well, I suppose
About as much as the next guy.

It's the second planet
From the sun,

Uh, home of, uh, -foot women
And k*ller tomatoes.

Good. Then you'll understand
Where I'm coming from.

Maybe not.
Where are you coming from?

Well, what's important here
Is where I'm going.

I'd like to spend christmas
On venus.

[ laughs ]

I beg your pardon?

Oh, nothing.
Nothing. Nothing.

You see, I've converted
A studebaker

To space travel.

Yes, well, that is
Extremely interesting.

Uh, excuse me.

If it's a nice day,
We can roll the windows down.

Denise!

Uh, doctor, you see,
I had decided that I would, uh,

Restrict
All my charitable donations

To earthbound activities.

Oh, well, that's perfectly
Understandable.

Yes?

Denise, would you, uh,
Have security

Show the doctor to his car?

Sure. Where is it?

Well, it shouldn't be
Very hard to spot.

It's a studebaker
On a booster rocket.

Right this way,
Dr. Gillespie.

Oh!

I'm sorry, benson.

Ohh! Gee whiz!

Huh?! What?!

Benson, l-listen.
We have a problem.

What's the problem, sir?

We've been getting some
Pretty disturbing phone calls.

Well, I'll trade you.

My weirdos show up here,
In person.

Actually, benson,

Several senators
Have received complaints

From their constituency

About a member of the government
Winning the lottery.

Now, wait a minute.

That's perfectly legal
In this state.

I won that money
Fair and square!

But that isn't
The point, benson.

The point is that if people
Lose faith in the lottery,

They'll stop
Buying tickets.

And if the lottery fails,

Your budget is gonna be short
$ million.

Not to mention
The political costs.

Oh, yes,
Because there are --

And, of course, you did agree
To give away the money.

I didn't agree to anything.

Look, governor,
I have every intention

Of giving some
Of that money to charity.

He wants you
To give it all away.

Why would I want to
Give it all away?

Well, benson, let me give you
A couple of good reasons.

First, they'll give you
A tax deduction.

Second, it will help
A lot of needy people.

And, third, I'd stand
A much better chance

Of not being impeached.

Impeached?!
Who's talking impeachment?!

Clayton.

[ scoffs ]

I merely mentioned
The possibility.

Think it over, benson.

I'm sure you'll do
The right thing.

Giving it away
Would be the right thing.

Oh, and by the way, benson,

While you're thinking
Of worthy causes,

Don't forget that
The governor's benefit

For the meyerson children's
Clinic is coming up soon.

I'll be sure
To consider it, sir.

Assuming you think
Sick children are worthy.

[ door closes ]

Who ever knew having money
Could be this much fun?

Ohh, I'll go out and check
The parking lot, benson.

Okay, denise.

Sit down.
What's that all about?

Well, now that I've decided
To give the money away,

They follow me
Wherever I go.

A woman came up to my table
At lunch the other day

And demanded $,

To study the toxic effects
Of kitty litter.

[ laughing ] weirdos
Are getting to you, huh?

It's not just the weirdos.

Even the people with legitimate
Claims drive you crazy.

If you give it to "A,"
"B" is offended.

If you give it to "C,"
"D" is offended.

And "E" or "F,"
They're all offended!

Who knows what's
The right decision?

[ laughing ] you know, benson,
This reminds me of a story.

Governor,
It's been a long day!

No! No!
W-wait a minute.

About a hundred years ago,

My family braved the frontier
In a conestoga wagon.

[ chuckling ] do you have any
Idea how difficult that was?

I know it ain't first class
On a .

Well, anyway,
Somewhere on the great plains,

They came across
A fork in the road,

And they didn't know
Which way to take.

They argued and they argued
And they argued and they argued.

[ laughing ] they argued and
They argued and they argued

And they argued
And they argued!

I get it. I get it.
They had a long argument.

Good. Right, yeah.

All except
My great-great-uncle nelson.

Do you know what he did?

Hmm?

He picked a direction,
Hopped on a mule, and took off.

The rest of them
Never did agree,

So they turned around
And went home.

That's a good idea.
I think that's what I'll do.

No, wait.
Wait a minute, benson.

The point is, make a choice
And commit to it,

Because you'll never
Please everybody.

All right, I think I see
What you're saying.

I'll, uh, call
A press conference tomorrow

And announce my choices.

It's all clear, benson.

Good.

Well, wait a minute.

Don't you want to hear what
Happened to uncle nelson?

Well, I don't think
I should keep denise waiting.

I'm in no hurry.

Good. Good. Sit down.
This is kind of interesting.

Hmm.

About miles
Down the road,

Nelson ran into
A pack of angry pumas.

They ripped him in half
And left him for dead.

By the way, check
The parking lot for pumas.

No, no, no! Wait a minute!
It worked out!

Nelson survived,
And he became a famous wrestler.

Hmm.

In fact, he invented
The half nelson.

Governor, that's not
A true story, and you know it.

Well, benson,
A story doesn't have to be true.

It just
Has to make its point.

You mean out of all
Of the stories you've told me,

None of them have been true?

Why, sure they have,
Benson, lots of them!

You just have to
Figure out which ones.

Benson, benson, benson.

I know that we've had
Our disagreements in the past,

But I want you to know

That I think what you are doing
Here today is very slick.

What do you mean?

Let's just
Get to the point.

The kind of publicity
That you're getting

For this little stunt

Is going to make you
A very popular political figure.

And, uh, with
The proper handling,

You could go
Right to the top.

But you are going to need
Someone by your side

Who is capable
Of saying no.

And you want that job?

Yes.

No.

You don't have to make up
Your mind right away.

No.

Think about it.

No.

We'll talk later.

[ sighing ] boy, they are
Working my tail off today.

I'm b*at.

Oh, kraus,
You look nice.

Did you do something
To your hair?

Baloney.

You're just trying to set me up
For one of your cheap jokes.

Why can't you ever
Take a compliment?

Because I know that,
With you,

Behind every compliment,
There is an insult.

It makes me nervous.

I'd rather you'd just
Insulted me und got on with it.

Okay.

Do they cut your hair,
Or do you just weed your scalp?

Thank you.
I feel better now.

[ clears throat ]
Fourth sandwich.

Oh, yeah?

Benson, can I touch
The $, check

Before you give it away?

I don't have it yet,
Pete.

Mr. Montez
Is gonna bring it over.

And then I give him this ticket,
And he gives me the check.

Benson, could you
Move that for me?

Sure.

[ grunts ]

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Well, benson,
I guess we're all here now.

Hello, benson.
It's the big day.

I'm about to say a quick "Hello"
And "Goodbye" to $,.

Benson has decided to
Divide the money

Among four
Different organizations.

Uh-huh.
Very clever, benson.

Butter your bread
On all four sides.

No!

Well, now, if you
Give me the ticket,

I'll give you the check.

Sure thing.

Where is it?
I had it here just...

Hmm.
Oh, I put it --

I put it right over here,

Where this
Ketchup stain is.

Who made
This ketchup stain?

Oh, gee. I guess I did.
I'm sorry.

I'll pay
To have it cleaned.

I don't care
About the tablecloth.

I want the ticket.

You mean, you lost
The lottery ticket?

No. I didn't lose it.
I put it right there.

It that it?

That's part of it.
I want all of it.

I must have swallowed it.

Somebody get me a flashlight.
I'm going in.

Now, don't excited here!

Everybody knows you won.

Well, I'm sorry, but the rule
Specifically states --

I can't turn over the check
If you cannot produce a ticket.

Well, I can't produce a ticket.
Would you settle for an x-ray?

I'm sorry, benson.

What will happen
To the $,?

Oh, it reverts
To the state treasury.

[ chuckles ]
Easy come, easy go, benson.

Wait a minute.

Wouldn't that be called
Serendipitous revenues?

Sure. That's right.

It, uh, reverts to the
Governor's discretionary fund.

Well, you mean I get it?
I didn't even buy a ticket.

I don't follow this.

Paragraph , subsection
Of the state treasury code says,

"All monies not accrued through
Taxation, commerce, or w*r

"Will be considered
Serendipitous revenues

Whose distribution will be at
The discretion of the governor."

Want to hear
The next paragraph?

No, I think
That about covers it, denise.

Then I can give it away?

Sure. Sure.

Benson, was one of those
Four charities you talked about

The meyerson
Children's clinic?

Yes.

Good!

Then I am going to
Give this money

To benson's four charities!

All right.