05x12 - The Governor's Brain Is Missing

[bunniefuu]

Uh, Clayton, don't rush off.
The Governor wants to see you.

(SIGHS) He's upset
with me, isn't he?

Good guess.

It's because of what I said
to that so-called author

he invited to dinner,
isn't it?

That's two good guesses
in a row.

I wish I had a prize for you.

Where do you think
you're going, Clayton?

I told you
to tell him to stay.

Don't bite my head off.
I told him.

Sir...
Clayton!

Don't you ever insult
a guest in my house again.

(STUTTERS) Sir, I was merely
expressing an opinion.

The man writes drivel.
I'm sure Benson would agree.

No, no, no, no, no, you're not
dragging me into this.

I'm out of here.
Good night, Governor.

No, wait a minute
Benson, sit down.
I want you to hear this.

GOVERNOR: Clayton...

Don't ever pull
a trick like that again.

A guest in my home
is expecting hospitality,

not petty criticism.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Yes, sir, and uh, please...

Can it!
Just get out of here.

(STUTTERS) Yeah, yes...
GOVERNOR: Go on.

And I'll see you at :
tomorrow morning.

Yes, sir.
I want a full staff meeting
in my office.

Sir.
Good night, sir.

Good night, Benson.

Can I go home now?

I'm sorry, Benson.

I don't think
I've been this angry

since Gregory Abbott
sold tickets to see
his singing chicken.

But Clayton got to go home!

GOVERNOR: I'm sorry.

Good night.

Do you have a minute?

Do you know that I paid
cents for that ticket?

A whole week's allowance.

Of course,
the chicken didn't sing.

So why didn't you
get a refund?

Well, the duck
went on instead.

A singing duck?

Oh, come on, Benson.

Ducks don't sing.

It was a dancing duck.

Wasn't even
a very good dancer.

Sounds like
petty criticism to me.

Good night, Benson.

Good night, sir.

WOMAN: Hello, Gene.

Congresswoman,
nobody told me you were here.

No one knew.
Agent Collins saw to that.

How do you do, sir?
Agent Collins.

What's going on, Barbara?

I'll get right to
the point, Gene.

I flew in from Washington
to personally escort you
to Camp David.

Camp David? Am I meeting
with the President?

That's classified, sir.

It's time to go, Gene.

Oh, well, I'll have
to notify my staff.

Afraid not, Governor.
National security.

We have a cover
story arranged.

Ooh, this is big.
Really big.

Do I have a code name?

Uh, yes, sir.
Uh, Crossbow.

Crossbow.

Oh, I like it.

We'd better get going,
Crossbow.

(LAUGHING) Oh, Barbara,
do you have a code name?

No.
Aww.

Don't feel bad.
Maybe next time, huh?

I'll show myself out, sir.

Roger.

Well, Colonel,
it's your command.

Thank you, Collins.
How do I look?

Perfect.
Just keep a low profile
till noon tomorrow.

Noon?
That's when
Kocholnik arrives.

Ah, right.

Good luck.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Good morning, Governor.

Good morning, good morning.

Is the morning paper here?

Yes, sir.
It's on the table.

Ah. Thank you.

Could you get me
a cup of coffee, Gretchen?

Ja, sure.

Coffee break already,
young lady?

Oh, no, no, no.
I'm working. (CHUCKLES)

Someone take your desk?

I should be working
at my desk.

You're right.

By the way, Governor,
I really love my job.

It's the best job
I ever had.

I'll be at my desk
working.

You, uh, you in
a bad mood today?

Me in a bad mood?
Don't be silly.

Would you like
some breakfast?

No, thank you.

Morning, Kraus.
Morning, Governor.

Morning, uh, Benson.

Are we still on
for that meeting?

Meeting, meeting...

Oh, you mean the one
at, uh...

:.
Ah, no.

No, we'll have
to reschedule that.

:'s no good.

Hi, Daddy.
Hi, Benson.

BENSON: Hi, sugar.

Ah, well, good morning,
Katherine.

What did I do?

He's in a bad mood.

In that case, I'm leaving.
See you later.

So, when would you like
to reschedule that meeting?

Uh, :.

Yes, :.
That would be perfect.

Boy, he's really
in a strange mood.

Ja, tell me about it.

Maybe he needs more fiber
in his diet.

He barely said
a civil word to me.

Oh, well, in that case,
maybe he's just wising up.

No, no. He's acting
really strange.

Maybe it's like that
outer space movie

where the President wasn't
really the President

because his body had been
taken over by a lizard.

Don't look at me that way.
I'm not crazy.

This my theory.

You are crazy.
That's my theory.

Now, now listen to me Benson.

There's something very wrong
with the Governor.

Unless, he isn't really
the Governor at all.

Maybe he's a double.

I think your
first theory was closer.

You mean he's a lizard?

Well, there's one way
to find out.

What's that?

When he comes down for lunch,
offer him a bowl of flies.

Ew!

(KNOCK ON THE DOOR)

Who is it?

Guess.

Ah, hello.
Uh, what can I do for you?

Well, I came by to tell you
that I rescheduled
our meeting for :.

Ah, good, good.
Fine.

You are a good man,
uh, Benson.

And I'm glad to
have you on my team.

(MOCKING) Gee, thanks, coach.

I've got important news.

Ah, Collins,
this is Benson.

Hi. Department
of Agriculture.

Oh, great listen,
I've got some figures
worked up on the farm subsidy.

Now would be a good time
to go over them.

Not right now, Benson.
Maybe later.

Uh-huh.

Well, if you'll excuse me.

Oh, oh, sure, sure.

(CHUCKLES)

Tough room.

What do you mean
by bursting in like that?

Your meeting
with Admiral Kocholnik

has been moved
to : tonight.

It won't work.
That gal in the kitchen's
already on to me.

Then you'll have to
terminate her.

We don't terminate people.

No, no,
I mean fire her.

Oh. We do that
all the time.

Okay, I'll deal with our
other little problem.
What's that?

Gatling's already
on his way back.

Oh, great.

Don't worry.
We'll stop him
at the airport.

(SIGHS)

Benson?

I need a favor.
Sure.

No one can talk
to Miss Kraus
the way you do.

They can, they just won't.

She doesn't seem
to be herself anymore.

How I wish that were true.

I think we need
some new blood.

She's kind of tall.
Ain't that going to be
expensive?

This is a serious matter.

Could we please dispense
with the levity?

Oh, sorry.
What's the favor?

I want you
to fire Miss Kraus.

What?
I want her out of the house
by this afternoon.

Why?
What's she done?

That's not something
you have to know.

But, Governor...

All right, I'll put it
in the form of an order.

Get rid of Kraus!

Uh, now, now,
let me just be sure

that I understand
your theory, Benson.

For a reason or reasons
as yet undetermined,

a person or persons
as yet unknown

has managed to substitute
a double for the Governor

totally undetected.

Is that basically it?

Anybody can make it
sound silly, Clayton.

(LAUGHING)
If you actually believe

that this little spy thriller
you've concocted has merit,

then you should seek
psychological counseling,

or a publisher.

Don't you think it's strange
that he fired Kraus?

Not in the mood
he's been in lately.

He'll reconsider,
and Kraus will be
back by Friday.

(SIGHS)

Giuseppe the gardener.

I'm here
to water your plants.

Kraus, what do you think
you're doing?

How did you recognize me?

Your mustache gave you away.

Well, it was the only way
I could get in to see you
since I was fired.

See, I figured out
what is going on.

Does this have anything
to do with lizards?

Of course not.

The double is a spy.

Oh, really?
Ja.

Well, who's he spying for?

The bad guys.

Now, who is he spying on?

Well, all right, I don't
have all the answers.

That's because you don't
have all your marbles.

Benson, Benson,
I'm on to something.

Oh, what is it?

Is he with us?

I'm afraid so.

Denise, it's me,
Gretchen. See?

What's happening?

Oh, well, I was in the
kitchen when this stranger
came in for coffee.

His name was Collins.

Oh, well, there's
nothing there Denise,

he's from the
Department of Agriculture.

No, no wait,
that's not all.

He was wearing a g*n
in a shoulder holster.
KRAUS: Oh!

Why would a guy from the
Department of Agriculture
be wearing a g*n?

Maybe he's expecting
a vegetable uprising.

Wait a minute.

Maybe Collins is a spy, too.

Well, there's one way
to find out what's going on.

I'm going in to see
the Governor, whoever he is.

Mmm, these grapes are good.

Maybe Miss Kraus
can make me a sandwich.

Hi, Dad.
Hi, honey, come on in.

Just wanted to tell you
I was home from school.

Hmm, did you miss me?

While I was at school?

No, while I was
at Camp David.

You were at Camp David?

Oh, I wasn't supposed
to say that.

It's a top secret.

Oh, it's okay, though,
because you're my daughter.

Maybe it's not okay.
I mean, about the secret.

It's okay
you're my daughter.

Right, Dad.
See you later.

Yeah.

Whew.

Come on, Miss Kraus,
answer your phone.

Oh, well, a little
walk won't k*ll me.

Okay, pal, I don't know
who you think you are

or what you're doing,
but I'm fed up, and I want
some answers.

Benson, is that you?

(MOCKING)
Oh, is that you, Benson?

(SCOFFS) Very clever.

Come on, Benson,
don't yell at me.

I just flew back
from Camp David.

I went to sleep on the
plane and got off at
the wrong airport,

then I had to rent a car
and drive miles

without a bite to eat.

And while I was asleep,
somebody stole my cummerbund.

Stole your cummerbund, eh?
Yeah.

Well, welcome back.

For a minute, I thought
you were the other guy.

What other guy?

Have a seat.
Have I got a story
to tell you.

Now, let me see if
I understand this, Benson.

For a reason or reasons
as yet undetermined,

a person or persons
as yet unknown

has managed to substitute
a double for me

totally undetected.

Is that basically it?

Well, Governor, anybody
can make it sound silly.

(KNOCK ON THE DOOR)

Who is it?
COLLINS: Collins.

Collins?

Wait a minute.

I have an idea.

Ask Collins to come in,
and play along with me.

Come in, Collins.

I would like you
to play along
with Benson.

What?

What he means is,
I've been briefed.

Yeah, Benson's
been briefed.

Are you with us?
Of course I'm with you, man.

You don't think they'd brief
some dude off the street,
do you?

Okay, I'd better
fill you in.

We got a break.

Apparently,
Gatling missed the plane,

so by the time
the next flight gets in,

we'll be finished
with Kocholnik.

Kocholnik?

Of course Kocholnik.

Collins, you haven't been
doing a very good job.

You better go over this
again point by point.

Again? This guy can't
remember anything.

I can remember
a lot of things.

Why don't we just
let him brief us,

and then we'll
give you a test?

Well, for example,
Kocholnik's Russian.

Very good.
Collins, will you fill...

Wait a minute, Benson,
there's more.

Yeah, we know you know it, but
let's see if Collins knows it.

His first name's Ivan.

Ivan. (SCOFFS)
Ivan.

That's right.
(MUMBLES) He's got
it right. He's right.

Yeah, well, now let's
let Collins do one.

He's an admiral.

Is your name Collins?

He's right.
Admiral Ivan Kocholnik.

He served with Gatling
during the w*r.

Ooh, mmm-hmm.

So maybe you're the one
that needs briefing, huh?

Yes, well, I guess
I'm a little hazy.

Perhaps my briefing
was too brief.

All right,
one last time.

At : hours,

I bring Kocholnik up here
to meet with an old friend.

You feed him the company line
and convince him to defect.

When he agrees,
I take him away,

and you get out of here
before Gatling returns.

Mmm-hmm.

Let me ask you
something, Collins.

I hear that this Gatling's
a fairly bright guy.

I hear very bright.

Bright enough
to zip it up?

Why don't we let Gatling
meet with Kocholnik?

Because we can't rely on what
Gatling might tell him,

and it's important to have
Kocholnik on our side,

so to make sure that
that happens,

we're going to dangle
a few carrots.

You mean lie?

Of course they're
going to lie.

Where did you train?
Camp Snoopy?

Not lies,
enticements.

You don't think freedom alone
would be enticement enough,
do you?

Well, listen,
I better be going.

I've got to pick
Kocholnik up in an hour.

What are we going to do?

Just what they
want us to do.

You're going to meet
with Kocholnik.

Okay, Pete, you know
what you're supposed to do?

Yeah, yeah, I just
have to drive him around

for a couple of hours,
no big deal.

I'm so proud of you, Pete.
You're so brave.

Brave? You mean this
might be dangerous?

The way you drive,
it's always dangerous.

Okay, now you two
get out of here.

Oh, uh, Governor,

the guy from the
Department of Agriculture

wants you to be at
the Hotel Carlton
in minutes.

Oh. Call my driver.

There's no need, sir.
Here he is now.

You look familiar.

Uh, yeah, I got
that kind of face.

Everybody thinks
they know me.

Well, let's get going.

Good work, Benson.
Thank you.

Now I'm going to watch
out front for
Collins and Kocholnik.

Okay.

A-ha!

I got you!

(INDISTINCT YELLING)

Governor! Governor?
They're here.

Where did he go?

Governor?

We're here.
Right on time.

You certainly are.
Come right in.

Good evening.
I am Admiral Ivan Kocholnik.

I am here to see my old friend
and comrade Gene Gatling.

Admiral, why don't you make
yourself comfortable?

I'll go round up
the Governor.

I'm sure I can find one.
They're all over the place.

Uh, how do I get to
my office from here?

Never mind,
I'll find it myself.

(CHUCKLES)

Clayton, have you seen
the Governor?

Yes, he was searching
for his office.

He went thataway.

What is it with him?

I've got to get there
before him.

Boy, am I going to get a book
out of this administration.

Gene!

Sorry, for the delay,
Admiral.

Well, let's get down
to business.

You mean, you're not going
to tell me a story first?

You want me to
tell you a story?

I didn't know there was
any way to stop you.

Ah, you're here.
Where did you go?

Why did you send me
to some phony hotel?

Uh-huh.

Make sure he tells you
the story about the kangaroo
and the preacher's daughter.

I've got to run.

Clayton, have you seen
the...the Governor?

Benson, I told you,
he went...

Hold him!
Don't let him get away!

Get that man!
He's with them!

That's Kraus.

She's a traitor!

I am a gardener.

Come with me.
I'll explain later.

Benson, wait!
Wait, wait!

Come on, come on,
come on!

We're talking best-seller.

I must tell you, Gene,

you seem different
than the last time we met.

Different? How?

You seem so much more serious,
so much more political.

You're not
the fun guy I remember.

Oh, I'm still a fun guy.

You want me
to tell you a joke?

I'll tell you a joke.

What is black and white
and red all over?

Pravda.

Is Russian joke.

Admiral, have I got
a surprise for you.

Ivan!

What is going on here?

Admiral, these people
wanted you to defect.

And they were afraid
that Governor Gatling

wouldn't tell you what
they wanted you to hear,

so they arranged
for an impostor.

This is true?

Yes, it's true.
And this man is
an impostor.

Wrong! This man
is the impostor.

Tell him, Benson.

This is the real
Gene Gatling.

Who are you?

I don't know you
from Lenin.

Who am I?
Who am I?

I am the man
who can tell you

that this is
the real Gene Gatling.

Tell him the story
about the kangaroo
and the preacher's daughter.

I don't know
that one, Benson.

Does that mean there's another
Governor out there somewhere?

I know one about
the kangaroo in church.
That'll do.

Ah, well, you see,
there was this organist's
daughter, and...

Wait a minute,
you're right. It was the
preacher's daughter.

That's right.
But she didn't know
that it was the kangaroo

until after it was all over.

Oh, I gave away the
whole end of the story.

(LAUGHING) Gene!

I have missed you.

Well DuBois, how does it
feel to have botched up

a matter of
national security?

Luckily, Collins, the security
of this nation is built

upon the integrity of
its people and not
on dirty tricks.

I haven't botched up
anything.

You interfered with
an intelligence operation.

Uh-oh, they'll be sending
you someplace unpleasant.

Oh, don't worry, Ivan.

Those birds can't do
anything to Benson.

This is true?
You can't be punished?

Well, that's one of the
nice things about
living in a free country.

The government is
responsible to the people,
and not the other way around.

In that case,
where do I sign?

Come on, we'll talk
about it over dinner.

Oh, I just realized.

That wasn't a kangaroo,
it was a koala bear.

And it was
at a bowling alley.

(LAUGHING)

Well, we ended up
with the same results DuBois,

so no hard feelings.

No hard feelings.

Let me ask you
a technical question.

How'd you get a double
for the Governor?

Oh, well, with enough
advance notice,

we can prepare a double
for just about anybody.

Oh, really?

What are the chances
of getting a Jayne Kennedy
by Friday night?

Benson, everybody's leaving.

It's okay, Kraus.
Everything's been
taken care of.

You mean everything's
back to normal?

Except you.

Why can't you ever say
anything nice?

Ah, I'm just
disappointed.

About what?

I kinda wanted him to be
the real Governor.

Ja, but if he was
the real Governor,
I would still be fired.