05x17 - Take My Life, Please

[bunniefuu]

[ birds chirping ]

[ humming ]

Ohh.

Oh! [ gasps ]

Oh, kraus,
You shouldn't have.

I've only been gone
Three days.

Benson, this could be the most
Exciting day of our lives!

I want to, gretchen,

But I must save myself
For the woman I marry.

Benson,
I am not interested in you.

I never was,
Und I never will be.

Then I can't accept
These flowers.

Oh, I didn't get them
For you.

I got them for the president
Of the united states.

Shame on you, kraus.
He's a married man.

Call the chaplain,

Senator hawthorne,
Senator tyler.

I'm in the kitchen.

I'm lost.
Huh, miss kraus.

Oh, hi, benson.
Benson: hi.

Cross off senator tyler.
Okay.

Big day, huh?!

He's inviting senators?

He didn't say anything
About senators to me.

Inviting them to what?

Kraus, I just got off the phone
With washington.

Ja, ja.

Chicken is good. Lamb is good.
Fish is bad.

That's it?!

You didn't find out anything
About vegetables?!

Vegetables.
I forgot the darn vegetables!

I'll get back to you.
[ sighs ]

No!
What's everybody
Running around about?

Well, because the president
Is coming to dinner, dummy!

Oh, tonight?

Ja!
Und now what am I going to fix?

Should it be leg of lamb
Or chicken?

Send out for pizza.

Oh, that would be an insult

To the president
Of the united states,

A man with the most difficult
Job in the world.

Excluding
Your beautician.

That does it!
I'm fixing leg of lamb...

...Und you get the hoof.

Agent bartlett and I
Appreciate your cooperation.

Now, let me just
Go over this list

And put faces with names,
Huh?

Katherine olivia gatling.

That's me.

Benson dubois.

Present.

Denise florence downey.

Denise downey?

That's you.

Oh, oh, right.

I forgot.

I just changed my name.

Oh, no, no!
It's my real name.

I just got married
To him.

She's, uh, nervous.

She's never been in trouble
With the law before.

Nobody's in trouble.
This is just standard procedure.

See, we run a check
On everybody

Who will have access
To the president.

Gretchen wilomena kraus.

Ja, I am a citizen,

Und I have the papers
To prove it.

[ german accent ] we like
To call them the funny papers.

We prefer
You don't joke about security.

[ normal voice ]
Right, right.

Peter john downey.

Yo.

Clayton runnymede
Endicott iii.

I am he.

[ chuckles ] runnymede.

Is that what the "R" stands for?
Runnymede?

I'm warning you, benson,
Many a fourth grader

Got his nose punched
For making fun of my name.

Make a note of that.
He beats up on fourth graders.

Mr. Dubois,

The president's security
Is not a laughing matter.

I hope I don't have to
Remind you of that again.

Sorry,
I'll keep my mouth shut.

[ laughs ]
I'd pay good money to see that.

Aren't you gonna say anything
To her?

You had it coming.

All right,
Are there any questions?

I have one.
You didn't call my name.

That's right, governor.

You've already been cleared.
It...

We're gonna be setting up some
Communications equipment now.

We'll be around
For the rest of the day,

But we'll try
And stay out of your way.

Thank you all again
For your cooperation.

Daddy?
Yeah?

What happens if I don't pass
The security check?

Does that mean I can't have
Dinner with the president?

Honey, I don't think you have
A thing to worry about.

That depends.
Do they check your grades?

No, I don't think so.

Whew. That's good.

You a security risk?

[ laughing ]
There's nothing to worry about.

Unless she shows up with
A blackjack in her book bag.

[ laughing ]

You're so strange.

What did I do?
I was trying to be nice.

Well, you shouldn't try things
You're not familiar with.

Ja,
Und while we are at it,

Don't act like a jerk tonight
In front of the president.

I hardly need your advice.

I'll have you know
The endicotts

Have graced
Many a presidential meal.

Oh, really?

Yeah, turkeys are always popular
At these affairs.

I can see
I'm no longer needed here.

Yeah, well, at least he's
Gonna get to meet the president.

I probably won't get anywhere
Near him.
Why not?

Well,
I've got a criminal record.

In college, I was arrested
At a demonstration.

An antiwar protest?

No, no, they were gonna raise
The prices in the cafeteria.

I'm sure j. Edgar hoover
Put that in his files.

"Pete downey -- ringleader
Of the meat loaf conspiracy."

Oh, yeah?

I was in jail
For almost four hours.

Did you ever
Do anything bad, denise?

Once...

But the football team
Promised not to tell.

Why are you looking at me
Like that?!

We threw eggs
At the coach's car.

You never want to do
Those kind of things with me.

Oh! Do you think they check
Your records in the old country?

Because, see, I was once
Arrested for skinny-dipping

In the burgomaster's
Fish pond.

What was the charge?
Impersonating a carp?

Forget it. I'd better go
And start our meal.

Oh, I'm preparing
A delicious leg of lamb.

But it'll turn out
The same old way.

Your brain needs basting.

Oh, this is exciting.

Did you ever have dinner
With the president before?

[ laughs ] sort of.

Once, about three years ago
When I was in hawaii,

Gerry ford came into a
Restaurant where I was eating.

And you asked him
To join you?

No, he bumped
Into my table

And spilled a bowl of soup
In my lap.

What did you do?

Something resembling
The limbo.

Pete: oh, good.
We were waiting for you guys.

The governor wants to try out
Some toasts on you.

I kind of like
Number three.

You're not supposed to
Tell them, pete.

I'll shift them around so you
Won't know which is which.

Okay, now,
What do you think of this?

"To the president, who is
Forthright and courageous."

Sir,
It doesn't say anything.

Anybody can be forthright
And courageous.

Well, not just anybody,
Clayton.

Benedict arnold,
For example.

He wasn't forthright
And courageous.

Well, why don't we just
Say that?

"To the president --
He's no benedict arnold."

Oh, maybe I better stick
To something traditional.

Uh, sir,
I have taken the liberty

Of making a list of topics
For dinner conversation.

Clayton,
I'm perfectly capable

Of carrying on a conversation
By myself.

Yes, I'm very well aware
Of that, sir.

But you shouldn't
Miss the opportunity

To demonstrate your knowledge
Of national affairs,

Perhaps a touch
Of foreign policy.

You think I'm going to impress
The president

By reading off cue cards?

Well, a politician who can read
Is always impressive.

[ knock on door ]
Come in.

Governor?
Yeah?

May I take a minute
Of your time?

Yes, of course.
What is it?

I'm afraid there's going to be
One less person

At your dinner party
This evening.

Well, I hope you don't mean
The president.

No, no. No, sir.

We have found a possible
Security risk on your staff.

What? Who?

Well, the person in question
Is benson dubois.

Me? You've got to be kidding.
There must be some mistake.

I'm afraid not, sir.

What's the problem?

The problem is we are trying
To determine who you are.

Well, as far as I know,
I'm benson dubois.

Oh? Army records indicate

That benson dubois
d*ed in korea in .

[ laughs ]

Ha ha.

Agent mcmullen,

What you're telling us
Can't possibly be true.

It's ridiculous.

There's got to be a screw-up
Somewhere in army records.

That is one possibility,
But for the time being,

We have to assume
That benson dubois is dead.

Well, for a dead man,
I've paid an awful lot of taxes.

Listen, I can vouch
For this man.

I've known him
For over six years,

And during all that time,

He's always been
A living benson dubois.

If he's not
Benson dubois...

Who is he?

That's what we hope
To discover.

Oh, come on. I can't believe
This is happening.

You guys are acting like
Benson's a spy or something.

I'm afraid I can't comment
On that, sir.

[ clears throat ]
No comment?

You're in big trouble,
Benson.

I'm not in big trouble.

The guy who screwed up my
Army records is in big trouble.

Now, now, now,
Let's calm down.

Agent mcmullen...Tom...

Is merely doing his duty.

Well, I'm tired of everyone
Doing their duty on me.

I'm sorry, sir.
I'm simply following procedure.

Listen, uh, agent mcmullen,
Tom -- whatever your name is --

Why don't we just check the
Fbi records for my fingerprints

And settle
This entire mess?

You have an fbi record?

My m*llitary record, sir.

We intend to run
A fingerprint check,

But in the meantime,

We have to isolate you
From the president.

Now, we're gonna have to
Confine you to your office.

It's merely routine.

Agent bartlett
Will remain there with you.

Oh, so I'm being sent to my room
Without dinner?

If you'll come with me,
Sir.

Now, wait a minute!

Why would benson pretend to be
Somebody else for years?

People have gone to greater
Lengths to topple a government.

This is stupid.

You don't actually
Want me to believe

That this man d*ed
In korea?

Again, no comment, sir.

Ah, well,
Don't worry about it, governor.

I'll go on to my room
Without my dinner,

But I can tell you
One thing --

If I d*ed in korea
And this is the afterlife,

It's damn disappointing.

Now, listen, I think we can
Convince the secret service

That benson dubois
Is benson dubois.

Now, let's list
What we know about him.

He's very intelligent.

Right, right!

Well, not to put too fine
A point on it, sir,

But he would have to be
Intelligent to be a spy.

Well, okay.

So I'll put it
On the other side, too.

Well, I'll tell you
One thing.

When everyone else
Has gone home for the night,

Benson is still here
Working.

You have to
Give him that.

Right! Hardworking.

Of course,
On the other hand,

That does leave him alone here
With access to a great deal

Of very sophisticated
Communications equipment.

I'll tell you what.

I think we're just looking
In the wrong area.

Now, let's talk about some
Of his more personal qualities,

Like what are his hobbies?

Oh, he loves to travel
And take pictures.

What am I saying?

Benson is
An all-around guy.

He's got a nice job,
A fancy car,

Plenty of girlfriends.

You've just described
James bond.

All right.
Now, come on.

Nobody has said that...

The man we know as benson dubois
Is a spy.

Well, sir, that's obviously
What they suspect.

Otherwise, why would they put
An armed guard on him?

Benson -- a russian spy.
No wonder he doesn't like me.

Miss kraus,
That's ridiculous.

There are reasons
Not to like you.

Governor!

Oh,
That didn't come out right.

Let's not turn against
Each other.

Now, this is dumb.
We haven't proven anything.

We have proven one thing.

We have proven
That none of us know benson

As well as we thought
We did.

Haven't proved anything to me.

I'm gonna find
Agent mcmullen

And tell him I think
The whole thing stinks!

Haven't they heard
Anything yet?
Sorry.

You know, this whole thing
Is a big mistake.

Maybe.

You think
It'll get cleared up

By the time the president
Gets here?

Possibly.

Do you ever say more
Than one word?

Rarely.

You must be great
At parties.

Master of small talk.

Funny.

Listen, I'm getting cooped up
In here, aren't you?

Can I go down
And get a cup of coffee?

Sure.

Kitchen.

Proceed.

Did you guys ever work
With gladys knight?

Agent mcmullen,
I want a word with you.
Yes, sir?

I want to register
A strong protest

Against your treatment of my
Budget director, benson dubois.

I hope you people
Have made some progress

In clearing up
This misunderstanding.

Actually,
I was looking for you, sir.

We just received the results
Of the fingerprint check.

Good! I'm sure benson
Will be happy to hear that.

Oh, I don't think so.

The prints
We sent to washington

Don't match those on file
Of benson dubois.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

The president's due
In minutes,

And I have to
Secure the grounds.

This can't be happening.
I-I can't accept it.

What's gonna happen
To benson now?

Sir, I am afraid it's time

That we start thinking about
Protecting our own interests.

I don't care what you say,
Pete,

And I don't want to hear
Any more.

In my heart,
I know he's benson.

Denise, the feds are not gonna
Make a big stink about this

Unless they have
Some facts.

Even if he turns out to be
A russian spy, I still like him.

Governor:
This is very upsetting.

Well, it could be
More than upsetting.

If it turns out that benson
Is not who he says he is,

Then, sir, I am afraid you
Can kiss any further hopes

For a political career
Goodbye.

Clayton, benson is benson.

Sir, I'm sorry.
That is simply not clear.

It is not --
[ clears throat ]

I just came down
To get a cup of coffee.

Hello, uh...Uh...Uh...

Benson.

Benson, right.
I knew that.

Hi, benson.

Hi.

[ chuckles ]

Sir?

What matters now
Is that that man,

Whoever he is,
Is under a cloud of suspicion,

And we must figure out a way
To distance this administration

From that cloud.

Clayton?
Yes, benson?

I can hear you.

Benson,
What are you doing here?

I'm getting
A cup of coffee.

What's the matter with you
People, acting so strange?

Benson, I hate to be the one
To tell you,

But your fingerprints
Didn't check out.

What?
[ gasps ]

Do you believe that?

How many times can those
Birdbrains in washington

Screw up?

This is a screw-up,
You know.

Benson, whether or not
We believe it,

The fact of the matter
Is milk has been spilled,

And we have to avoid
Getting any of it on us.

Hmm.

Is that the general opinion
Held in this room?

Benson, you're my friend...
No matter who you are.

Pete?

I'm basically a journalist.
I try to remain neutral.

Governor?

Benson, this is very...
Difficult and confusing.

Well, I'll tell you
What's difficult and confusing.

Standing here watching
You people conduct a witch-hunt.

[ sighs ] methinks
He doth protest too much.

Clayton,
I'm in a foul mood,

And I'd be perfectly happy
To take it out on you.

It's hard to believe benson
Is a russian spy.

Is that
What they found out?

No, but believe me,

It's always the guy
You'd least suspect.

Well, I never
Suspected benson.
See?

Well, wait a minute.

You guys are talking
Like benson's guilty.

Honey, let's just say that,
Right now, it doesn't look good.

But there's no way.
Benson's our friend.

Think of all the things
He's done for us.

He sure has gotten me
Out of a lot of jams.

He was best man
At our wedding.

Helped me get
My citizenship papers.

Without him, I'd never have
Gotten re-elected.

I do have to admit,

He's come to my rescue
On several occasions.

Right.

So what it
Boils down to

Is benson is
A very, very good man.

Right. Right.
Right. Right.

Or he is the most devious spy
That ever lived.

This is incredible.

Even my own friends
Don't believe me.

As nietzsche once said,
"Out of chaos comes order."

Blow it out of your flannels,
Dan.

Can we come in?

Sure.

You three lost?

Benson,
I just want you to know that,

From now on,
I'll be standing behind you.

Don't say things like that,
Kraus. It gives me bad dreams.

Sorry we're late.
Denise can't walk very fast.

Hey, that's not fair.
I'm walking for two.

So,
What's this all about?

Well, just didn't
Want you to think

That we thought that
What they thought

Would change the way
We think about you.

I can see a lot of thinking
Went into that thought.

Benson.
Clayton.

I just want to go on record

Concerning your
Questionable status

That I
Wholeheartedly support

Whatever the governor's
Position is.

Clayton, if you're
Going to be two-faced,

Why do you wear
The ugly one to work?

Governor?
Governor: yeah?

The president will be here
Any minute.

And I have some news
For you.

Now, just hold your horses,
Agent mcmullen.

I've got some news for you.

I want you to tell the president

That if he wants to meet
With me,

I will be here in
Benson's office with benson.

In that case,
So will I.

I'm staying, too, benson.

Yeah, right!
Ja!

We're all staying.

Put that in your
Free ear, tom.

Benson, we're with you
All the way.

That won't be necessary.

My news is that mr. Dubois
Has been cleared.

Oh! Oh!
Oh! Yay!

It seems you were the victim
Of a computer error

At the
Army records center.

Well,
That's the modern army.

Used to be they blamed
Everything on the enlisted man.

Dan,
Let's get to our posts.

I guess we owe you
An apology, benson.

Not me.
I always believed in you.

The rest of us owe you
An apology, benson.

I feel pretty ashamed
Of the way I acted.

Don't be too hard
On yourself.

I suppose I would have acted
The same way

In a similar situation.

That's the terrible thing
About suspicion.

Yeah,
We just gave in to it.

I guess what really matters
Is that,

When the chips were down,
You all stood by me...

And that took
A lot of courage.

Well, let's not stand here
Bumping our gums.

We got a president to meet.

Oh! Ooh!

I can't believe it.
Pete downey meets the president.

[ laughter ]

Benson,
I am so nervous.

I'm afraid I'm going to do
Something stupid

In front of the president.

Do you have any advice?

Yeah, go to your room
And stay there.

Very funny.

Well,
It was worth a try.