05x21 - The Little Hotel That Could

[bunniefuu]

[ birds chirping ]

Good morning, benson.

Benson, benson, benson.

You look troubled.

Not now, clayton.

Couldn't happen
To a nicer guy.

[ laughs ]

How'd your meeting
With the legislature go?

No, no, don't tell me.

The look on your face
Says it all.

Read the look on my lips --
Go away.

You know,
I warned you, benson.

You get tough
With the legislature,

They're gonna get tough
With you.

Why don't you ever
Listen to me?

Why don't you listen to me?

Go away. Take off. Depart.
Hit the road, jack.

Happy trails.
Hi yo, clayton, away.

Look, all I am saying
To you --

Benson, I have a bone
To pick with you.

Thank you,
But I already ate.

Just a moment, miss kraus.
I was here first.

Your turn is over.
Take a walk.

You don't tell me
What to do.

All right, stay,

But you'll be unconscious.

I don't have to put up
With this kind of behavior.

[ stomps ]

I'll be in my office.

Benson, I want you to listen
To what I have to say.

Okay.
Can I be unconscious?

This is serious.

Now, when I came
To this country,

My first big job
Was as head housekeeper

At the findlay
Residence hotel.

They want you back?
How wonderful.

Benson, listen to me.

They're going to
Tear down the findlay.

So, what is your point?

I want you to save it.

Oh, benson,
It's a beautiful hotel,

Und it is very dear to me.

I have friends living there.

Kraus, I appreciate
The situation,

But I cannot be responsible for
Every individual in this state.

I will give you the names of
Some people and some agencies.

I don't want agencies.
I want you.

Oh, come on, kraus.
I don't have the time.

Can't you see I'm in the middle
Of a budget crisis?

It's because you don't
Like me, isn't it?

That's the only reason
You won't help.

No, it's not the only reason.
It's the main reason.

But it's certainly not
The only reason.

Ooh!

Oh, benson, listen, I have
Some ideas about the budget.

Good.
Right there.

Oh, look at this --
The old findlay hotel.

I lost my innocence there,
You know?

That's quite a story.

Yeah, some other time.

We really should be
Talking about the budget.

Oh, right, right.

It was at the christmas party
That my dad always threw

For the people that worked
At the lumbermill.

That's extremely interesting.

We're gonna have a big problem
With the legislature.

Yeah, that senator chapman's
Giving us nothing but trouble.

He's been against us
From the start.

And his ideas
Don't make any sense.

Anyhow, after we finished
Opening up

The christmas presents,

Mrs. Robinson asked me
To go upstairs

And get her jacket
For her.

When I got up
To that room,

I saw something

That no innocent -year-old
Should ever have to see.

You lost your innocence
When you were ?

years old -- you expect me
To believe that?

Yeah.

Anyhow,
Back to the budget.

How?

Huh?

How?

Oh, oh, well, see,
Up until that time,

I had totally believed
In santa claus.

But there was mr. Robinson

Putting on this rented
Red costume

And this phony white beard.

I'll tell you, I realized
That from that day forward,

I would never be
A child again.

You were wrong.

Uh, benson, I just heard the
State is running out of money.

Is that true?

If we don't get
The budget passed.

How much time
Do we have?

According
To my calculations,

The state has enough money
To honor its obligations

Until :
Next thursday.

Next thursday, huh?

Is there any chance of me
Getting an advance

On next friday's paycheck?

No.

It never hurts to ask.

All right, I think
I'll go call up

Some of
Those bonehead legislators

And tell them that they still
Work for the people.

Come on.
Yes, sir.

[ clears throat ]

Not to put any pressure
On you,

But it's really gonna break
Little petey's heart

When he finds out
That uncle benson

Can't get daddy a paycheck.

Pete, your kid's
Only months old.

He'll get over it.

[ indistinct arguing ]

I'm not going in here.
I'm not going in --

Kraus, now listen.
Stop this!

Hold it.

Now, you let go of me.

This will just take
A few minutes.

It will not take any minutes
Because I am going home.

Now, let go of my arm.

Kraus!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Kraus! Kraus!

Give me my coat.

Benson, you're here now.

Why don't you just
Take a look around?

I am not taking a look around.
You tricked me.

It was the only way I could
Think of to get you here.

Kraus,
Give me the jacket.

I want it now.
Give it to me!

Can't you just wait
For a minute?

No, now!
Now, kraus!

Do you two want a room
For the night?

Do I look this desperate?

It's me -- gretchen.

Oh, I didn't recognize you
All flushed like that.

Eddie, this is the gentleman
I've been telling you about,

The one who is going to
Save the hotel.

Oh, you're a good man.

Let me show you
Around the place.

Kraus.

Please, benson.

All right.

I'll look around the lobby,

But then you got to
Take me to my car.

This hotel first opened
Its doors in .

President teddy roosevelt
Himself cut the ribbon.

Oh, yeah, it was
A grand occasion.

Oh, were you there?

Of course she was there.

Why do you think teddy
Carried a big stick?

[ laughs ]

He's quite a card.

Anyhow, back then
It wasn't called the findlay.

It was called
The promenade.

Do you know why?

I don't have
The slightest idea.

It was called
The promenade

Because it was the only stop
Coast to coast

Of the promenade special...

The fanciest train
To ever ride the rails.

Look, eddie, I can see
That this is a grand old hotel,

And I agree that it would be
A shame to lose it.

Then you will help us?

Kraus, there are people
Better qualified than I

To deal with this situation.

That may be true,
But I don't trust strangers.

Eddie, we're not exactly
Frat brothers.

No matter.

I'm a good judge
Of character,

And if any man can save
This hotel, it's you.

He's right, benson.

Don't try to flatter me.
It won't work.

Come on, let me
Introduce you to everybody.

It's not gonna change
Anything, eddie.

Yeah. Folks, can I have
Your attention?

I'd like you to meet benson,
Gretchen's beau.

Wait, hold it,
Hold it.

Now, let's get one damn thing
Straight right now.

I am not gretchen's
Anything.

These are the residents
Of the findlay.

Nice to meet you.
You've got a lovely home.

And this is the man
Who's gonna save our hotel.

I did not say
Anything about --

What are you talking about?
Thank you very much.

Thank god there are still people
Like him in this world.

That's all right.

Really, really,
That's not necessary.

Set your fears aside.

Any man who can care
As much as this man cares

Is not gonna allow
Some scalawag

To toss us out
Into the streets.

[ laughs ]

Or have I totally
Misjudged you?

All right,
I'll do what I can.

[ cheering ]

But I'm not promising
Anything.

Oh, benson, I knew
You wouldn't let us down.

[ smooches ]

Come on, come on!

Stop it.

You want to show affection,
Just wag your tail.

Oh, benson, listen.

Oh, hi, honey.
Are we interrupting a meeting?

I was just trying to get benson
To sign this petition.

Oh, well, I'm glad
You're taking an interest

In social issues.

[ laughs ]
Is that cute!

We've got our own little
Ralph nader.

Clayton, if I were ralph nader,
I'd have you recalled.

Well, benson,
How's it going?

Well, I spoke to some people
At the housing authority,

And it looks like I'm gonna have
To deal directly with the owner.

What on earth
Are you talking about?

The findlay residence hotel.
What are you talking about?

About the budget.

Well, forget the budget.
It's all messed up.

Ah-ha-ha!

Do my ears deceive me,
Or is the great benson dubois

Admitting that there might be
A flaw in his little plan?

Give it a rest, clayton.

If benson's right,
The people will support us.

Well,
I've got the latest poll.

We're not too popular
With john q. Public.

Ah, let's not panic.
It's only one person.

Pete, what are the numbers?

% support us,
% support the legislature,

And % cussed me out

'cause I called in the middle
Of "Dynasty."

Oh, benson, I --
Oh, never mind.

I'll wait.

Okay, clayton, come on.

Let's see if we can pull the fat
Out of the fire.

Always ready to clean up
Benson's little messes.

Yeah, way to go, buddy.
See you in the breadline.

Well.
[ scoffs ]

I think it is just terrible
Of them

To put the pressure on you
Like that.

I appreciate your concern,
Kraus.

Now, what are you doing
About the hotel?

There's the kraus
That I know and despise.

I have a meeting
Tomorrow morning at :

With hank buchanan.

He's the developer.

Oh, good.
What time shall I be here?

About :...

August , .

Ha ha.

And don't be early.

Benson, could you hide this
For me?

I don't want pete
To find it.

Huh? Things getting that bad
At home you have to hide food?

Oh, no, no.
It's a fake lettuce.

You see, it's where I hide
The household money

So pete can't get
His hands on it.

You're hiding money from pete
In food?

Well, it's safe.

He usually
Doesn't eat lettuce,

But he's starting to
Get desperate.

Sure,
I'll hide it for you.

Thanks, benson.
Uh-huh.

Imagine that --
Fake lettuce to hide money in.

Lord have mercy.

What are white folks
Gonna think of next?

All right, benson,
I am here.

Where is buchanan?

Just relax, kraus.
He'll be along any minute.

How do you plan
To handle him?

Just leave it to me,
Sweetheart.

I'm going to talk to him
Businessman to businessman.

Excuse me, benson.
Mr. Buchanan is here.

Well, show him in,
Denise.

Well,
Here goes nothing.

Is that your pep talk?

How do you do,
Mr. Buchanan?

I'm benson dubois,

And this is gretchen kraus,
Our head of household affairs.

Nice to meet you
Both.

That remains
To be seen.

We appreciate your flying in.
Have a seat.

I don't fly.
I always travel by train.

Well, you said you had
Some ideas to save me money.

I'd like to hear them.

We certainly do.

As you know, there are
Some terrific tax breaks

For people who restore
Old buildings.

I'm listening.

Why don't we put a few figures
Into the adding machine?

Ja.
Fine with me.

Okeydokey.
Now, let's see.

Let's say we take the square
Footage of your hotel.

, square feet.

All right.

And reconstruction costs
Are...

Approximately
$ a square foot.

Uh-huh.

Now, that comes to...

$,,.

Right.

Now, the renovation cost
Would be...

About $
A square foot.

Uh-huh.

Which comes to...

$,,.

Yeah, you're right.

But now, you can take
A % investment tax credit,

Which is a savings of...

Less than $. million.
It's not enough.

Well, but don't forget
There's rental income.

There's property tax.

There's convention fees.

There's insurance.

There are concessions.

It needs a whole new roof.

There are shops.

There are restaurants.

There's miscellaneous.

Uh-huh.

The warranty must be up.

Ah, nuts!

Look, no matter
How you figure it,

It's cheaper to tear
The old place down.

People live in that hotel.
They think of it as home.

Put that in your computer,
Herr wisenheimer.

I think I've heard enough.
Time is money.

The bulldozers start
Taking the hotel down today.

Nice to meet you.
Oh, yeah.

T-t-today?

I-I thought
It was next week.

I changed my schedule.

Have a nice day.

So, you had all the answers.

"I'm going to talk to him
Businessman to businessman."

Well, it didn't work, so now
We are going to do it my way.

I'm going down
To that hotel,

Und if they're going to
Tear it down,

They'll have to do it
Over my dead body!

[ door slams ]

Benson: kraus!

[ gasps ]

Kraus, you come out
Of this hotel right now.

Forget it.

If they're going to
Tear this place down,

They'll have to bury me
In the rubble!

Kraus, if I have to put you
Over my shoulder

And carry you out here,
I will.

You lay one finger on me,

Und I will spread your nose
All over your face.

You don't scare me.
You don't scare me.

I can take you.

Too late, benson.

I am going to handcuff myself
To this hotel.

You're what?
No, you're not!

Oh, yes, I am.
No, you're not.

Yes, I am!
Give me those handcuffs.

Oh, benson,
You're ruining everything.

Oh, you'll thank me
In the morning.

Hey, we're about to demolish
This hotel.

You can't --
You two?

You home wrecker!

Kraus, zip it up,
Huh?

She's very upset.
You can't blame her.

You're about to tear down
This beautiful hotel.

It's old.
It's not worth anything.

Oh, ja?

Well, you are young,
Und you aren't worth diddly!

Kraus, put your mouth
In neutral.

Now, look, I want both of you
Out of this building,

And I want you out now.

Just give us a minute.
Let me tell you about the hotel.

It's got quite a history.

I don't care.
I'm not in the museum business.

That's because being
In the dummkopf business

Takes up all your time.

Now, look, loudmouth --

Whoa-whoa-whooooa.

If anybody's gonna call
This woman a loudmouth,

It's gonna be me.

Now, you have to be
Taught some manners.

Who's gonna teach me --
You?

If you insist.

I got him!

Aaah!

Get this woman
Away from me.

Kraus,
What are you doing?

Get her away from me.

You can't take
Prisoners.

Oh, yes, I can.

I'm going to chain him
To this railing,

Und that way, they can't
Tear down the building.

Don't just stand there.
The woman's crazy.

[ laughs ]
Yeah, I know that.

Kraus,
You can't do that.

Oh, yes I can.
No, you can't.

Yes, I can.
You can't.

I can.
You can't do it.

Whoops.

Kraus, you have
Really ripped it now.

Maybe so, but at least
I kept this creep

From giving the order
To tear down the hotel.

You don't know
Anything!

My foreman gives the order
To tear down the hotel.

That's what
I pay him for.

Kraus, give me the key.

I can't.

I left it
On the kitchen table.

If I could reach you now,

I would squeeze the living air
Right out of you.

Could you at least
Tell the bulldozers
To hold the work?

These walls are going to
Come down any minute.

Move it, woman!

Nobody is going anywhere
Until we work this out.

[ screaming ]

Hold it!

What the hell?!

You people aren't
Supposed to be in here!

Hey, mr. Buchanan,
What's going on?

We didn't know anybody
Was in here.

These lunatics chained me
To this railing.

Get some bolt cutters,

And tell the guys outside
To hold the work.

Right, right.

Hold the work!

We got a couple
Of loonies in here.

I imagine you're both
Pretty upset with me.

It's just that so many things
Have happened in this hotel.

So many famous people
Stayed here.

I only wish these walls
Could speak.

So do I.

That wall could have said,

"Watch out,
There's a bulldozer coming."

I'll always remember
The day

That clark gable stepped down
Off the promenade special.

Promenade special -- where did
You ever see that train?

Right outside
The front door.

What's she talking about?

Ah, some train
That used to stop here.

No, not some train.

The promenade special's
The greatest train

That ever ran the rails
In america.

My granddaddy was fireman
On that train years.

Well, toot my whistle.

So wait a minute.

If -- if the promenade special
Stopped here,

This must be
The promenade hotel.

Oh, ja, they changed the name
Back in .

Did I forget
To mention that?

Yes, you forgot
To mention that!

Well, that changes
Everything.

You win.
I can't tear this place down.

It'd break
My granddaddy's heart.

Oh, mr. Buchanan,
Thank you!

I heard you youngsters
Were in here.

Good news. I got them to stop
Tearing down the hotel.

Is that so?

Sure. They were looking
For the bolt cutters,

So I threw them down
The wishing well.

You better be able to
Swim, old man.

It's all right, benson.

I have the key.

Kraus, I can't believe
You'd lie to me about the key.

I know.
I'm so ashamed.

I'll never, ever be able to
Look you in the face again.

Can I count on that?

[ giggling] you have to admit
My plan worked.

Now all our troubles
Are over.

Maybe your troubles
Are over,

But I still got to do battle
With the legislature

Over the budget.

Oh, yeah,
I forgot about that.

I better get outside and make
Sure nobody hurts this building.

This place is a treasure.

You know, governor primrose
Solved a problem just like that

Back in '.

What did he do?

His legislature wouldn't
Pass a budget either,

So he went down
To their building

And shut off all the electricity
And the heat.

By noon the next day,
They had a budget.

You know what, eddie?

That is a stupid idea,
But it just might work.

Sure it will.

Politicians haven't got
Much smarter.

See you later.

Well, come on, benson.
Let's go home.

Wait a minute, kraus.
I have one question.

How come you own
A pair of handcuffs?

You wouldn't want to know.

She's right.