05x22 - Let's Play Doctor

[bunniefuu]

Ooh!
And one other thing.

If there are
Any problems --

I know, call and have you paged
At the restaurant.

Katie's sitting
For the baby tonight.

My parents are taking us
Out to dinner.

They finally want to get
To know pete better.

Well, I'm glad the initial shock
Has worn off.

It only took a year.

Oh, come on.
My parents like pete.

And pete likes my parents,
Right?

Okay, katie, let's go over this
One more time.

You know, pete, it's
A lucky thing you have cable tv

And I have
A cash-flow problem.

I'm gonna drive katie
To the house.

And when I get back,
You and I are gonna have a talk

About my mommy and daddy.

I'll tell you one thing
You don't think about

When you get married,
Benson --

Women have parents.

Another amazing fact
From professor pete downey.

You know, benson,
There is nothing worse

Than a backstabbing
Busybody

Who walks all over
His colleagues

To advance
His own career.

Clayton, don't be so hard
On yourself.

You know very well
I am referring to you.

The governor's decided
To give the humanitarian award

To your nominee,
Instead of mine.

You mean it's official?
He's giving it to dr. Breyer?

Yeah, yeah.
He's in there giving him a call.

I better call
The press.

Maybe we can make
The evening edition.

I can't believe it.

What has that storefront doctor
Ever done?

His clinic has provided
Outstanding service

To an underprivileged
Neighborhood for years.

Yeah, but besides that.

Oh, come on, clayton.

Off the record, benson --
Why'd you nominate this guy?

What is he, a relative?
A friend? What?

I only know him by reputation.
I've never met him.

Well, why on earth would you
Want to nominate

A total stranger?

Well, I was going
To nominate you,

But why would I want to nominate
A total idiot?

Benson, I just got off the phone
With albert breyer.

I notified him
That he was the recipient

Of this year's
Humanitarian award.

So what did he say?

He turned it down.

Oh, what a pity.

Well, I called in a few favors,
And I made a few promises.

And I got
The breyer story running

On page two
Of "The journal."

k*ll the story, pete.
He's refused the award.

Wait a minute, governor.

Before we do anything,

Let me stop by the clinic
And talk to dr. Breyer.

Maybe this is all
A misunderstanding.

All right, benson.

Let me know
When you hear anything.

Governor, I still think that
My nominee is the best choice.

Clayton, your nominee was just
Caught accepting a bribe!

Sir, that was thrown out
Of court.

I bust my tail getting this done
For you guys,

And look what happens.

I tell you, I never should have
Dropped out

Of forestry school.

You know, benson,
I've got an idea.

Well, gee, kraus,
You must be very proud.

Seriously, benson, if dr. Breyer
Doesn't want the award,

Why don't you give it
To burt reynolds?

He's made millions
Of women happy.

Kraus, the award has to go
To somebody who lives here.

He can stay with me.

Even burt has his limits.

Now remember to follow
These instructions.

The next time you want to stop
A line drive, use a glove.

Now get out of here.

Dr. Breyer?

I'm afraid I don't have
The money to pay you right away.

Oh, that's all right.
That's all right.

Do you still make
Those delicious sausages?

Sure. Would you like me
To bring you some?

No, they gave me
Heartburn.

Look, I'll make
A deal with you.

You don't bring me any more
Homemade sausages,

And we'll call it even.

Thank you, doctor.

Okay, who's next?

Mickey, go ahead.
Go on in.

Excuse me.
Are you dr. Breyer?

No, I'm king midas,
And this is my muffler shop.

I beg your pardon?

I'm albert breyer.

But most people know that
Right off the bat

Because, on the name tag,
It says, "Albert breyer."

Oh, well, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to offend
Your name tag.

I just didn't see it.

You here
For an eye problem?

No, no.
I, uh...[clears throat]

Well, let me start
At the beginning.

My name
Is benson dubois,

And you were notified
Earlier today that you --

Oh! I know
What this is about.

Follow me.
So, you're from there, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

Dubois,
Stop the malarkey.

I called your secretary
This morning,

And I told her the landlord
Would have his money

At the end of the month.

If he's short, tell him
The reason it didn't get there

Is because I forgot the number
Of my swiss bank account.

I want to thank you
Very much.

Goodbye, good luck, and don't
Take any refined sugars!

You know, for a humanitarian,
You're not a very nice guy.

Good, I hope that means
I'm disqualified.

You must have a hell
Of a bedside manner.

At least
I've got manners.

When somebody asks me to leave,
I leave.

So leave, go. Goodbye.

What, are you sitting there
Waiting for a bus?

Get on the table.

Dr. Breyer,
I'm not going anywhere

Until I have a chance
To talk to you.

Now, I'll be
In the waiting room.

You will not be
In the waiting room.

The waiting room is for people
That don't feel well.

Well, then,
I certainly qualify,

'cause you've given me
One terrific headache.

All right,
You got your minute.

But if you're gonna stay in
Here, you're gonna have to help.

Okay, I'll look
In the yellow pages.

Maybe we can find you
A charm school.

What's your problem?

I think I got something
In my eye, doc.

You think?
Don't you feel it?

Give me
That ophthalmoscope.
The what?

The eyeball flashlight.

Well, why didn't you say that
In the first place?

I was creating mystique.

Your minute's almost up.
Start talking.

Tell me why you won't accept
The award.

I don't believe in awards.
I have a philosophy --

Awards cause competition.
Competition causes fighting.

Fighting causes wars.
Hand me a swab.

You know,
I just realized something.

You're not having
A bad day.

You just have a naturally
Rotten disposition.

So take me off
Your christmas list.

That's not the list
You're on.

Whatever it is,
I think I got it.

Yeah, it feels better.

Good, now, to be on
The safe side,

I want you to go over
To dr. Norton,

Have him check it with
His fancy-schmancy equipment.

And tell him I sent you.

Listen, doc, about the money
That I owe you --

Ah, just send him
Some sausages.

Don't worry about it.

When you get back to work,
You'll remind me.

You're the best, doc.
Thanks.

Get out of here.

So, you do that often?

I do what often?

You know
What I'm talking about.

If they don't pay you, how are
You gonna keep this place going?

With a little ingenuity,
A lot of luck,

And a terrific
Sense of humor,

Which some people mistake
For a rotten disposition.

It's an easy mistake
To make.

Are you through?

Dr. Breyer, I happen to be
One of those people

Who believes that the people
Should know about

The good work you're doing here
For the poor.

"The people should know"?

Let me tell you
A little secret.

Poverty doesn't need
Publicity.

People have
Heard about it.

Matter of fact, they detour
Around this part of town

So they don't have
To see it.

Well, maybe accepting
The award

Would help to change
Some of that.

Forget it.
My decision is final.

Excuse me.

Which one of you guys
Is dr. Breyer?

I'm breyer.

Of course, people usually
Know that right off the bat,

Since his name tag
Says "Breyer."

You learn real fast.

I like that.

Who are you?

I'm benson dubois.

Are you
One of his patients?

No, no, no.
I'm his assistant.

Uh-huh.
Then you're a doctor?

No, no.
I'm not a doctor.

Who are you?

Reagan -- bunco.

And you're both
Under arrest

For practicing medicine
Without a license.

And, remember,
You got to soak your feet

In epsom salts
And hot water

For minutes,
Twice a day.

Thanks a lot, dr. Breyer.

Will you stop giving
Medical advice?

Do you suppose they provide
A toothbrush in this place?

Forget about a toothbrush.

You just provide me
With an explanation.

The only explanation I'm gonna
Make is on judgment day.

And until you get
A printed-up card

Saying you're him,
You get bubkes.

Don't you bubkes me.
I'm in here because of you!

Next time, you get your own
Eyeball flashlight.

Hey, take it easy.
Take it easy.

You know, tension is linked
To high blood pressure.

You better calm down.

You want me
To calm down?!

I'm in here because
The guy that I nominate

For the humanitarian award
Turns out to be a phony,

And you want me
To calm down?!

All right, all right.

You're like one of those people
Who have to let it out, huh?

Go ahead --
Yell, scream.

I'll make
Like I didn't hear you.

All right,
If I ask you calmly,

Will you tell me
Why you did it?

Try me.
Okay, why'd you do it?

It's none
Of your business.

Albert,
You're not a doctor!

There you go with
The "Doctor" again!

Listen -- if I fixed your sink
And I'm not a plumber,

Would you call
A policeman?

That's not the same thing!

Closer than you think.

Okay, I'll remember that.

Next time, I'll call roto-rooter
When my nose gets clogged up.

Look, just because I don't have
A piece of paper

That says
I'm not a doctor

Doesn't mean
That I don't know

A little something
About medicine.

Everybody knows a little
Something about medicine!

That's why
They got band-aids!

What you did is dangerous!

I never performed surgery,

I didn't write
Any prescriptions --

Just the regular
Day-to-day stuff.

But what gave you the right
To even do that?

I was a medic
In world w*r ii.

Then why on earth didn't you go
On to medical school?

After the w*r was over,

I had every intention
Of going to medical school.

But I wasn't home
Three days

When one of the neighbors
Brought her baby for me

To take a look at.

The kid was sick,
So I took care of him.

Then word got out.

And people started
Coming to me.

Then more people,
Then more people.

The next thing I knew,
years later, I'm a doctor...

Who's not a doctor.

[ lock clicks ]

Thank you, officer.

Benson.

Benson, benson, benson.

As soon as you called,
I rushed right over.

Clayton, I never thought
I'd say it,

But I am glad to see you.

Have you had a chance
To make any license plates yet?

[ laughs ]

Or have you been too busy
Working on the rock pile?

Why would you say
You're glad to see him?

I plead
Temporary insanity.

Clayton, just tell us
What's going on.

Oh, you know,
It's really sort of amusing.

[ laughs ]

This whole predicament
Is your fault.

My fault?
That's right.

If you hadn't nominated
Mr. Breyer

For the humanitarian award,

The screening committee
Wouldn't have discovered
His lack of credentials.

They wouldn't have turned him
Over to the bunco squad.

You and your award.

Boy, you sure brought
A lot of joy into my life.

You don't exactly light up
My life, either.

So, how much trouble
Is he in?

Well, considering
The good doctor

Hasn't actually
Harmed anyone,

I've managed to convince
The district attorney's office

To drop all the charges
Against him...

Good, then let's
Get out of here.

...On the condition
That he promises

Never to practice
Medicine again.

I can't do that!
What do you mean,
"You can't do that"?!

When those people
Come to my clinic,

You expect me
To turn them away?

You go out there and start
Practicing medicine again,

You'll end up
Back in jail.

Fine,
I'll save myself a trip.

I'll stay here.
You can't stay here!

Don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.

I'll get some books.
I'll study.

I'll be a lawyer.

Okay, it's useless
To argue with you.

Uh, clayton, get somebody
To get me out of here.

But you won't be in here long.
We'll get your clinic reopened.

Yeah, before I do that,
Benson,

There is one little thing
I'd like to take care of.

Come on, clayton!
Let's go.

Here we go.
[ camera shutter clicks ]

I'm not going
To forget this.

No, you can't.
I've got the picture.

Sir, I hardly think
It's advisable

To bestow such a prestigious
Award upon a jailbird.

Well, he may be in jail,
But he's still a humanitarian.

That's a very good point.

Yeah, look at zorro.

Well, you know,
He was a good guy.

They kept putting him
In jail.

You know,
Pete makes good sense.

He does?

Yeah, you may have disagreed
With zorro's methods,

But you always knew
He was doing it

For the good of the people
In the village.

[ clears throat ]

Sir, don't you think it's going
To be a tad hypocritical

To give him the award
And close his clinic

All in the same day?

We're not going
To close the clinic.

We're gonna find a way
To keep it open.

That's right.
How are we gonna do that?

I don't know.
I'm not zorro.

I've had it!

I've been on the phone
For three hours,

And everybody I talked to
Said the same thing.

The clinic doesn't qualify
For assistance.

Why not?

'cause the clinic
Doesn't have a doctor.

Oh, that's right.

Without a doctor,
A clinic is just another place

To read old magazines.

Well, I don't care
What anybody says.

I'm giving that award
To albert breyer.

Pete,
Make the arrangements.

Yes, sir!

See how he depends on me?

He's such a dreamer.

All right, benson.

You need to raise funds,
And I have a certain expertise.

Ah, yes, clayton.
I'll remember that.

And I am willing
To donate $,.

Yes, I'll rememb--

You are now chairman
Of the fund-raising committee.

Chairman? Me?

Really?

Peter!
Peter, big news break!

We better alert the media!

Well, he deserves
The headlines.

How often does he
Do something nice?

Benson, I found this man
Out in the hallway.

Then what do you want from me,
Permission to keep him?

He's looking for you,
Birdbrain.

I'm dr. Leonard,

President of
The medical association.

You wanted to talk to me
About albert breyer?

Come in, doctor.
Have a seat.
Thank you.

I guess you're familiar with
The situation with dr. Breyer.

Mr. Breyer?

Right.

Anyway, I was wondering
If there was anything

The medical community
Could do to help him.

Gee.
I don't think so.

Well, you're kidding,
Aren't you?

No.

I respect
The man's intentions,

But, officially, we consider
What he did very naughty.

Okay, I'll give you that.

Albert was naughty.

The question is, what are
Those people in that community

Going to do
Without a doctor?

Well, the medical school offers
Some services to the public.

Why don't they go there?

But that's an hour-and--minute
Bus ride.

You don't expect sick people
To do that, do you?

Oh, no.

Maybe the medical school
Could come to them.

That's an idea.

Could you do that?

I suppose I could.

I'm a very powerful doctor,
You know.

I'll look into it.

Thank you, doctor.
Thank you very much.

You know, that was
A very creative solution

To a difficult problem.

Yes, except what are we going
To do about naughty albert?

Golly, that is a toughie.

I always wondered what happened
To the gerber baby.

You know, governor,

My cousin fritz was in
The hospital last year.

It cost $,.

Oh, what did he have?

About $.

I had to send him
The rest of it.

Yeah, that's nice.

Gee, the press
Are getting restless.

I've been pinched
Four times already.

Pete.

Uh, could you do something
To keep these people occupied?

Oh, no sweat.

Uh, can I have
Everybody's attention, please?

Thank you.

Mr. Breyer
Will be along shortly.

In the meantime, I have
Some pictures of my new baby.

And, uh, I'll just start them
Right here,

And you can all pass them
Around.

I'm sorry I'm late.
I have some news for albert.

Where is he?

Well, he isn't here.

Well, what's the delay?
I don't know.

I called the jail,
And I asked them

If they still had albert
In the can,

And they hung up on me.

Did you tell them
You were the governor?

Yeah!
Well, I called back,

And they said if I didn't cut
It out, they'd tell my mother.

So I sent clayton
For albert.

Oh, here he is.

Governor. Benson.

So, where's albert?

He's with the lieutenant.

Look, can we clear
The press out of here?

He is in a very bad mood.

He's always
In a bad mood.

He claims it's part
Of his charm.

Hello, everybody!

It's me --
Mr. Humanitarian!

They took off the cuffs

So I could accept
Your cockamamie award.

No, don't worry.

I'm sure even mother teresa
Was cranky once in a while.

Let's get this over with,
Please.

I got to be back in the slammer
Before lights out.

Wish me luck.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Friends, members of the press,

It gives me great pleasure

To present this year's
Humanitarian award to doct--

Mr. Albert breyer.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Mr. Governor,
Members of the staff,

Ladies and gentlemen
Of the press,

I accept this award.

I accept this award on behalf
Of the sick people

That I can't help anymore
Because you gave me this award!

Okay, put on the cuffs.
Let's get out of here.

Not so fast, albert.
There's something more.

I don't care.
I'm angry.

What are these sick people
Gonna do,

Come down
To the city jail?

I'm gonna treat them
With this hunk of wood?

No, no, they'll be able to come
Right here to your clinic.

What are you talking about?

Dr. Leonard,
Of the medical association,

Has made arrangements
With the medical school

To keep the clinic open.

Is this true?
I don't believe it.

Well, that's terrific.

We thought
You'd be pleased.

"Pleased"?
I'm more than pleased now.

Now I can do
Some of the things

That I never had time
To do before.

Now, albert,
There's something else.

I could take up a hobby,
But I hate hobbies.

No, just let me tell you
What it is.

I could go on a trip,
But I don't like to travel.

Just listen.
Or maybe I could --
I could get to know myself.

That way, I could spend
More time with me.

I wouldn't wish that
On anybody.

So why are you
Doing this to me?

You know
I don't want to retire.

You're not going to retire.
You're going back to school.

What?

We've arranged
For a training program.

And in six months,
You'll be back on the job.

In six months
I'll be a doctor?

No, a nurse!

Never!
Why not?

I don't look good
In a dress.

Actually, you'll be
A nurse practitioner.

You can do that in pants.

You'll be able to do almost
Anything a physician can do.

And anything
You can't do,

The doctors from the medical
School will handle it.

In six months,
You'll be back

Doing what you've done
For years --

Healing the sick
And aggravating the healthy.

I was so smart.
I thought nobody gave a damn.

Then you had to stick
Your pug nose into my business

And make this
The happiest day of my life.

I suppose you want me
To thank you?

You're welcome.